Original subtitles

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to the fourth episode of "Wingmen" season 1.

This is a show where we eat wings, talk about wings,

and sometimes the issues of the day.

Sometimes.

I'm here with my wingman, Ford.

And I'm here with my wingman, Matt.

First, let's introduce our guest.

We have Dan Chamberlain with us.

Hi, guys. Thanks for having me.

Dan, thanks for coming.

Anyway, a little bit before the camera

started rolling, you mentioned that you like Buffalo wings.

Oh, I'm a Buffalo boy from birth.

Buffalo boy from birth.

I grew up in Massachusetts.

I enjoy Buffalo wings.

Great.

So these wings are from--

A place called Hell's Chicken.

Hell's Chicken is a great name for any Buffalo wing

restaurant.

But this one happens to be located

in the Hell's Kitchen neighborhood of New York,

making the pun amazing.

So perfect name.

And let's see if the wings are perfect.

I feel like maybe we should have gone spicy.

The garlic really gives it a kick.

And as we get our fingers messy from this wing sauce,

that brings us to our topic of the day.

You've messed yourself: lick, wash, or nap?

Let's throw it to Dan, our guest for today.

Uh, first I'll lick or more of a suck really.

Something like that.

Then I'll introduce the napkin.

You're going wet nap or you're going dry nap?

Wet if available.

We did come up with a topic of discussion,

but I think it's a little misleading.

Because I don't think it's lick, wash, or nap.

I do all three.

Lick first, absolutely, because you're getting more sauce.

Don't waste the sauce.

Then I'm going to go for a wet nap.

And hopefully, it's a wet nap.

Because I feel like sometimes if you use a dry nap,

you end up with a little towely bits on your fingers.

That's the worst.

Then you've got to follow it up with a full wash

just because that sauce doesn't come off easy.

I'm just not washing my hand and I'm

just going raw dog until I wash my hands

at the end of the meal.

Normally, raw dogging would refer to unprotected sex.

But for me, that's--

I'm using it with wings to mean unprotected wing eating.

I don't like thinking of that phrase

in context of eating chicken wings

because it reminds me of raw chicken and hot dogs.

Oh, yeah.

It also reminds me of unprotected sex.

I've never had unprotected sex and eat chicken

wings at the same time.

Someone has.

There was some discretion before the show

that nachos are a kid food.

We went-- we got-- we started getting

pretty heated and we wanted to bring this into the episode.

And really, if you're eating nachos, grow up.

That was the .

Grow up.

Grow up and get yourself some wings.

Nachos' like the meal of a dilettante.

You don't know what you want, so you're going to have

a little bit of everything.

Sure, I'll have some corn, cilantro, you got garlic.

Wings are--

Give me the wings.

These are Fred Flintstone wings here.

Compare and contrast.

Oh, that's very good.

Yeah, that's helpful.

I feel like one wing is significantly

bigger than the other.

I'd say they're close relatively like over the scope

of the universe.

But I'd say in practicality, much different.

That's a good point.

I wasn't thinking in terms of the universe.

I'll tell you why this guy's better.

Why is that?

You got a lot more sauce to meat.

Better sauce to meat ratio on here.

Again, and I think that's a big part of wings

that we haven't talked about too much,

is that every bite of a wing experience

should be equal parts, meat, skin, sauce.

And you're not going to get that with that.

You're going to get a lot of all meat.

A lot of meat.

Just put a whole chicken in the grinder

and put your mouth on the other end.

You're eating like a baby bird, like that.

That's the grinder.

Chicken, chicken.

So you have rather good tell technique.

So let's get this.

Let's see some of the--

Dan's going to show us exactly how that--

I'm giving it a one at a time.

One at a time.

Cuticles still-- a little sauce on the cuticles--

You have nice fingers.

Now do you teach classes or give

seminars on this technique?

I, uh--

The answer is no, you definitely don't.

No.

I don't think that's a real thing.

Up next, we're going to have Dan do his wingpression.

Who are you going to do for us today?

I was going to do Tom Jones.

To set up the scene, let's say, me and Matt go to a Tom

Jones concert, and we go backstage with some wings

and we present them to you backstage at the concert.

What's new, Buffalo wings?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

So after you eat chicken wings,

do you prefer to wash, lick, or nap?

It's not unusual to use wet naps at any time,

especially after Buffalo wings.

I feel like it would be unusual to use them any time.

I got a funeral.

Boys, the meet and greet is over.

That was great.

That was great, Dan. Thank you so much.

impression. So good.

Thank you.

Next, we're going to do a new segment,

and this is called Meet the Wings.

And this is where we're going to make up

a television show on the spot using

these wings as the characters.

It's a very family-centric show just about

a single wing father trying to raise

two wing boys in the city.

And we'll just get the theme music

and then we'll get into the episode.

Hey, dad.

Yeah, what's up, son?

I lost all my money for lunch again.

Again!

Is there something going on at school

that I'm not hearing about?

No, no.

You're just losing it?

Are there holes in your pockets?

Yes, there's very big holes in my pockets.

Are you a hobo with holes in his pockets,

things falling out constantly?

I'm your son, and I've asked you to buy

me new pants several times.

Oh, not this racket again.

I told you one pair of pants per life.

OK, I'm going to my room.

Hey, nerdlinger.

Now I'm in your bedroom.

Give me your money.

Oh, but-- but--

I followed you home from school,

and I'm hungry for money.

Oh, god!

I just thought this was only at school.

Uh-uh, this is your life now.

I reconsidered it.

I'll buy you new pants.

Hey, who is this?

No one told me you had a dad.

Oh, come here.

I'm going to hit you.

Yes, Mr. Wings.

I think that's a bad idea, dad.

Oh!

Oh, no.

Now, did you learn your lesson?

Yes, Mr. Wings.

I will leave you a boy alone and never bully him again.

All right, thank you very much.

You have a good day.

And you tell your father I said hi.

OK.

Well, I guess sometimes violence is the answer.

End scene. - Great.

- Oh, that was really fun. - That's great.

That was a good episode.

Up next, we have a classic segment on the show, which is

Bone Bucket or Just the Meat?

We're going to list a bunch of things for you, Dan.

And you're going to respond either bone

bucket or just the meat.

I got you. Clear?

Cool.

Blobs.

Bone bucket.

Slabs.

Bone bucket.

Bobs.

Just the meat.

Lincoln Logs.

Just the meat.

Broccoli Robs.

Bone bucket.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Just the meat.

Teenage Mutant mixed martial arts turtles.

Just the meat.

Outboard motors.

Just the meat.

Inboard motors.

Bone bucket.

Motor boating, the sexual term.

Just the meet.

Motor boating, non-sexual.

Just the meat.

Starboard side, sexual.

Bone bucket.

Port side, non-sexual.

Just the meat.

Jason Bourne.

Just to the meat.

Candy corn.

Just the meat.

Candy corn.

It's just the meat.

Candy corn.

It's just the meat.

Candy corn.

It's just the meat.

Candy corn.

Just the meat.

Candy corn.

It's just the meat.

Candy.

Corn.

Boys, I like candy corn.

You're not allowed to say anything--

You're not allowed to say anything else besides bone

bucket or just the meat.

Sorry.

You've big time.

It's OK.

We'll move on.

Candy corn.

It's just the meat.

Network security.

Bone bucket.

Rootkit.

Bone bucket.

Dark web.

Just the meat.

Water cooled CPU.

Just the meat.

CRT monitor.

Just the meat.

16-by-9 aspect ratio.

Bone bucket.

Wireless bridge.

Just the meat.

Horny tone.

- Just the meat. - Great.

Congratulations, Dan.

That was a great job.

That was a good job.

You got them all right.

everyone.

So that's it.

I think we covered a lot of really good conversation.

Wash with a nap--

I think we all do all three.

Thanks so much.

Thanks for watching.

And Dan, thank you for being on the show.

Thanks for having me, guys.

Hi guys.

I'm Dan Chamberlain.

And today, we're going to be making a simple avocado toast.

It's a light, fresh, and filling way to start your day,

as well as a terrific anytime snack.

All you need is sliced bread, salt, pepper,

your favorite hot sauce, and of course,

a ripe, ready-to-eat avocado.

Let's get started.

Watch your fingers.

Look at that.

It's perfect.

Now we've already gone ahead and toasted our bread,

so all we have to do is remove the pit and--

ooh, spoiled.

Avocados go bad pretty fast.

That's why we got a three-pack.

Now, that's a beautiful avocado.

So using the edge of our knife, we're just going to--

damn it.

Spoilt quick.

Third time is the charm.

Now, we're going to go right into pitting

this one using the edge of our blade and popping it right out.

Seed you later.

Now with the pit removed-- son of a bitch.

No wonder my grocer's always so happy to see me.

Bad, bad, bad.

Well, this one actually looks pretty good.

But I'm going to throw it away anyways because we all

know what's about to happen.

Bad.

These guys too.

You got to outsmart them.

Don't!

Stay the same for me.

Got to get more.

This avocado's feeling nice.

Now, it's time to slice and spice.

Smells like shit.

Toast.

Today, we will be making plain toast.

You will need bread.

Now, me I like to use a toaster oven so I can keep a better

eye on my bread as it browns.

Now once the bread is all the way brown--

no.

Oh, no!

No!

What the-- it's smells awful.

Dude, you got to stop mixing the colognes.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, are you OK in there?

Sir.

Who is it?

I don't know.

He's not responding to me.

Hey!

You in there, you get out of here right now.

Whoa, whoa.

Phil, relax, man.

You can't do that.

It could be somebody important.

You're right.

Hey, who do you think it is?

Caucasian.

That narrows it down.

Yeah, right.

Well, he's wearing orthopedic shoes.

Total hipster.

What?

No, my grandmother wears those.

Has she got bad feet?

This guy's legs are really skinny.

Yeah, like a hipster.

And his skin's all jacked up.

It seems we're all about bad skin.

It's an old man.

Hipster or fossil, we got to get him out of here.

I'm not staying late tonight.

OK, well, what can we do?

I don't know.

Maybe he's napping.

He's taking a nap in the bathroom?

Yeah, I do it in here all the time.

You do it here?

Yeah, I just tuck my legs up to my chest.

You can't see them.

It's really smart.

Whatever.

Let's just get him out of there.

Come on.

I'm poking his legs, but it's not doing anything.

His legs are probably asleep.

It's been like that for a while.

Wait, I'll try to go higher.

Be careful though.

What's going on?

What are you doing?

I think I'm poking his junk.

What?

Dude stop that, man.

You can't molest a customer.

What if he's into it?

Who would be into that?

You'd be surprised.

Surprise me.

You remember that chick I was dating,

who does motion capture for Hentai porn?

Yeah.

She started poking me one night with a stick.

So you're into it?

You'd be surprised.

Shut up.

I have an idea.

Whenever I overslept, this is how my mom

would wake me up for school.

I don't think it's going to work.

Yeah, man, my fingers were in there.

That's a foul.

What the hell are you doing?

This is how my mom used to wake me up for school.

By putting candy in a condom?

Yeah, and then throwing it at me.

I tried my best. I'm out.

What?

You can't leave now.

Connor, let's face facts.

The guy's dead.

How is that a fact?

I'm not handling a dead body.

Look, this whole bathroom is probably a crime scene.

Let's go.

You realize there's a condom

in there with your fingerprints all over it.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Connor, you need to go in there and you need to get that condom

back from the old dead hipster.

Just relax.

He's not dead.

Let me just look over the stall and see who's in there.

Whoa, Phil, it's Clint Eastwood.

What?

You threw a condom on Clint Eastwood.

Well, is he dead?

Holy shit!

He's waking up.

Let's get out of here.

Go, go.

Soft.

Hello.

A big Hello, and welcome back to having a lovely time

while wearing sweaters.

We are hard at work on our puzzle of large Benjamin.

Now this puzzle is a 3D puzzle,

and working in three dimensions could be very dangerous.

So let's make sure we put on our 2D goggles first.

That's much safer.

And it's dangerous, am I right?

Hey, you guys.

It's Chloe, and I'm here in the glory zone.

You guys, I wore goggles one time in the third grade.

But who cares?

I still think they make me look hot too try.

But if you think, these idiots look like nerds,

you got to tweet #NerdAlert @LovelySweaterBoys.

See you on the twitterverse, bitchez.

Oh, no, she cannot.

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Let's try to keep things light and lovely.

We like to display our puzzles for years after completion.

We recommend gluing the pieces of the puzzle

together to avoid breakage.

Now when gluing our pieces to the puzzle, I like to use glue.

There we are.

Easy it.

This is looking really good.

Easy.

Oh, goodness.

You got pranked.

Phylis, are you OK?

Phylis.

I'm good.

Chloe, can we please talk to you for a second?

Yes, I think we all should.

Good.

I think we should-- all should.

I want to talk about something that's really

been bugging me for a while.

It's called wars.

No, no way .

Chloe, goodness, no.

What is she saying?

Hey, I saw a little girl.

She was crying.

She said, mommy, why do people fight?

And that's when I realized, haters going to hate.

I don't think she's taking words seriously at all.

Good gosh, Chloe.

We've had quite enough.

We are just a couple of proud puzzlers

trying to have a nice, quiet, lovely time on this autumn Eve.

What is around me?

All right, brotherly sidebar.

Let's lean in.

I think we all know what needs to be done here.

I happen to know, we're not those types of men.

We're going to have to ask her politely to leave.

Robb almighty. What have we become?

I think I know how to get her attention.

Rakes.

What's up, Wisenheimers.

#Hi.

It's c-- c-- cold in this c-- c-- c-- cabin.

#Brrr

I love what is happening here.

Looks like we need some funky ass betch

to take our firewood challenge.

That's right.

It's the firewood challenge.

Whoever can go outside and collect the most firewood

wins the contest.

Oh my God, it's me. #TeamChloe.

Now, we can go back to finishing our puzzle.

Wow, what a handsome boy?

That's right.

Hey, maybe one day, we'll go to New York City

and see the real large Benjamin.

Sweet is Chloe.

To Martha's Vineyard.

She's been out there for weeks.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh!

Oh!