Original subtitles

Come on guys.

Oh, boy.

Oh, look at them.

Neanderthals, grunting for a piece of the rubbery cow flesh.

Do you guys not want to be here or something?

Oh, no, we really want to be here.

We love basketball.

OK, I know you guys are teenagers

but that is a lot of sarcasm.

No sarcasm here, buddy.

Go team, go.

Come on, Cougars.

Let's play some ball.

Yeah, come on, boys.

Let's march for Uncle Sam.

Let's keep cheering on Tate Grommet

as he strives to maintain his average of 24 points per game.

Tate Grommet actually is averaging

about 24 points a game.

You guys don't seem like the type to know stats.

Oh, we totally come to every game

and keep an extensive list of stats in this book.

OK, either that's a real stat book

or you guys carry around a book labeled stats, ironically.

Either way, you care about it.

Here's a stat, narc.

Death leads with 2 million per year.

Also Tate Grommet is hitting 85% at the free throw line.

Do your parents make you come to these games or something?

No, they barely know we exist.

We're just bar codes being spewed

out by the corporate uterus.

If only we could be as perfect as the Cougars current season.

OK, guys.

It's OK to have a little Cougar pride.

Oh, we totally have Cougar pride.

Meow.

Your words are literally confusing me to frustration.

Dude, like we give F all about this monkey butt circus.

Let's go Cougars.

Now, let's give a hearty Cougar thank you

to students, Ash and Romero for organizing

the post-game bonfire at Bardwell Field.

Whatever.

You guys clearly care about this.

Right.

And when we cut ourselves we totally bleed blue and gold.

Whatever, Carson Daly.

Carson Daly is cool.

Dude, it's time for the signs.

I am so confused.

They just shouldn't have called it "Jurassic World"

until the entire world was filled with dinosaurs.

Well, it seemed to have worked out just fine.

I mean, the Box Office was a good reflection of that--

Yes, it was.

So we actually have some really exciting

news to share with you guys.

OK, what is it?

Oh my God. You're getting divorced?

Yeah.

Congratulations. Oh my God.

And you know, I always thought you guys

were terrible for each other.

Everyone has been wondering when this is going to happen.

I mean, you guys have been unhappily married for what,

like eight years?

Yeah, eight long years.

You know, I'm just really glad that for the rest of my life

when I wake up in the morning I don't have to see that face.

Oh, stop it.

You guys are going to make me tear up.

Well, now my mom's going to be asking when

are you two getting divorced.

Tik-tok. Tik-tok, you know.

I'm not getting any younger.

So what's the story?

I mean, how did it happen?

So we were having a disgusting meal at Chili's.

And he did that thing where he orders a lot of stuff

and then he sends it all back that he doesn't like.

Yeah, he calls it a free meal.

Yeah. It's a free meal.

It's a power move.

Yes.

And then I just started yelling things out

of about his family and stuff.

You know, I just knew it was over as soon as I

looked into my wife's eyes--

ex-wife. - Oh.

Oh.

.

That is going to be weird for me to say.

- Yeah. - Well, we all heard it.

Get used to it.

Oh my gosh, what are you going to wear?

Well, we're doing the ceremony in a courtroom.

Oh God. I love.

I know.

So I figured maybe like a like a charcoal pantsuit

that I never got to wear because he doesn't

like women to wear pants.

Challenges my sexuality.

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Well, if you two are no longer a couple then

maybe we could just wrap this up.

Yes.

Yeah, and I guess you guys are friends with Kristen

so I'll probably never see you again.

Yes.

This guy.

We're the bouncer.

Now, that I finished that.

Yeah.

I will see you guys never.

OK.

OK.

And I will see you at the attorney's office.

I can't wait.

It's going to be the happiest day of my life.

I hate you.

you.

- Can't stop arguing. - I know.

They hate each other.

How are you guys doing?

Well, unfortunately, we're really happy.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Glenn.

I work at Above Average.

I'm a bad employee.

I'm on drugs right now.

My nickname for Matt is .

She called me a nothing master.

made me want to blow my load into my own ...

Glenn graphically described "deep throat-ing"

her boyfriend.

So I got fired.

Now, I'm here with Patty, head of HR,

to have my exit interview.

Well, well, well, Patricia.

I checked the internet.

And apparently, during an exit interview,

I get to tell you what I would improve about the company.

Mm-mhm.

You might want to get a Gatorade because we're

going to be here for a while.

Here's what I would change in the office.

Number one, squatty potties.

Everybody in the office is pooping wrong.

Number two, fire Andrew.

What do you care what happens to Andrew?

I hate Andrew. He's my nemesis.

I guess I should have seen this coming.

So there needs to be a casual sex

Friday where you can bone your work friends

and it doesn't count.

Oh, so you'll do it.

OK.

I think there should be a little area of the office

where it's OK to pee.

Like the toilet.

The bathroom is so far from my desk.

That's true.

So like a little drainage gutter between the desks.

We got to separate the ugly employees

from the hot employees. - But--

We have to.

Can you give me some names?

I'm just kidding.

Yes.

Hot employee.

Hot employee.

Tequila Tuesdays.

At the end of the day, that's not a bad idea.

No, all day.

Well, people wouldn't be able to work.

They're not supposed to.

They're supposed to drink tequila all day.

Absolutely not.

If you had made these changes earlier

I probably wouldn't be leaving. - You were fired, Glenn.

You say tomato, I say I left on my own volition.

So I'm just going to admit to you a list of stuff

I did while I was here.

OK.

Number one, I used the company mug as a weed holder.

One time I hit Andrew.

You hit him?

I smacked him in an investor meeting.

I never washed my hands once.

That's just gross, Glenn.

I would just wipe them off on my feet.

I was like.

Really going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you too.

Do you know the song that goes, my neck, my back,

like my crack?

Yes.

I just like that song.

I hate that song.

Can you Shazam it for me.

It's not playing.

OK, here's a list of stuff I stole.

Pens, post-its, money.

- Money? - Yeah.

How much money?

A couple of bucks.

A couple every day like from wallets and stuff.

A computer charger, hearts.

OK, these are the people I boned in the office.

Peter, Matt, Mike, Dan, Mark, Colin,

Conner, Brandon, Brian, David, Cole,

Lewis, Carl, Zac, not Andrew.

I would never touch Andrew.

Derek, Doug, and that's it.

I think you named all the men in our office--

For the boys.

So also Jen, Kelly, Jackie, Joanna, Patty, Caroline--

I'm on that list.

Kathryn, Tammy, both Kayla's, Jillian, Melanie, and Glenn.

That's myself.

Patty, thank you for letting me work here.

I really appreciated the opportunity

and I got you something.

You didn't have to do that.

It's a naked picture of myself.

Wow, that's art, right?

Yeah.

I have a sick bod.

I think I'll put a little like post-it

here in here and we'll--

But that's covering up all the good parts.

That's for you so you can always remember

what my naked body looks like.

I've never seen your naked body, Glenn.

Thanks Patty.

Thank you for everything.

I'm proud of the two weeks I was allowed to work here.

She's Katie.

A lady.

A lady named, Katie.

Hey, do you want to get brunch tomorrow?

Mhm, I would love to but David wants to hang out this weekend

and I don't know, I think this could really

turn into something, you know.

OK, no.

All right, you're not going to start

hanging out with Dave all the time

and disappear on me, right?

No, Katie, of course not.

That's crazy.

Oh, it's David.

What?

Bethany.

Bethany.

Even when Jason is being a total douche--

No.

Gees, I was just going to say--

No.

Jason is not great.

He's terrible.

He's super boring and when you think about it, he's very ugly.

You're right.

Oh, but he did actually just do this really super cute thing.

No.

So I met this cute guy on Friday

and we spent all weekend together nonstop.

No, I can't lose another one.

Yuki, no.

This is because you aren't dating anyone?

Hey.

Katie, I really like him.

No.

Yuki, come on.

Oh my God, you guys.

It's Dave.

He wants to get back together, guys.

OK, so being John Malkovich?

Quick question, Charlie.

What's wrong with you?

Pardon.

Like mentally, is there something wrong with you,

with your brain? - No.

Uh.

And have you spent long periods of time in prison

or a cave of any sort?

No.

But you wrote this script?

Yes, I did.

Huh, weird but OK.

Well, let's start from the top.

Some of the things you have in here

are not completely terrifying, which is great.

I like that there's a man and I like that there's a woman.

The first 2 and 1/2 pages of this script

are nice and peaceful.

So I like that part.

But then the movie goes a little

off the rails when we get to the seventh and a half

floor of an office building and find a portal that leads

to John Malkovich's head that then dumps you out on the side

of the New Jersey Turnpike.

That can happen in a movie.

I mean, people will be jumping off the roofs

to be killing themselves.

So the challenge here is how do we get people to watch

this and not think, oh, this was written

by a disgusting psychopath.

I know it's a tad offbeat but I

think it stems from a person's desire to be

something that they're not.

Everyone's desire or your desire?

Because I like being me.

I like the food I eat.

You do realize that your main character

has your name, Charlie.

The script is clearly a big old cry for help.

The story does come from a personal place, yeah.

What did John Malkovich do to you?

Did he hurt you? - What?

No.

Point to the spots where John Malkovich hurt you?

I'll do it too.

You don't have to do a Barb.

On three, 1, 2, 3.

Here and here, big time.

Right on my bingos.

I just thought that he would fit the role.

We're going to have to replace him

with somebody famous like Tom Cruise or Dee Snider.

That way it's not associated with someone

that gives you nightmares.

I'm actually a big John Malkovich fan if I

could defend him for a second.

What?

You like him.

You like John Malkovich because I read this script

and you turn him into a filthy pony tailed puppeteer.

OK, that's part of the fun though.

The script sort of mixes elements of reality

and comedy and Sci-Fi--

Oh, dear God. He thinks this is fun.

You know, which one of us has the gun because we

may need to shoot him.

You think trapping your life in a monkey cage is fun?

No, but in context--

You think that sliding down old rotten wet tunnels

into people's minds, that's fun?

I think it can be.

You think John Malkovich going into a nightmare world

where everybody has his face and voice is fun?

Seriously, is there something wrong with you?

There has to be something wrong with you.

I fainted three times when I read the script.

Barb's never fainted before, ever.

Not to my knowledge.

There's nothing mentally wrong with it.

I don't think we could help you.

You just need to leave before one of us

throws something at you.

Oh, OK.

I didn't want do that, all right.

But you seem aggressive.

We will not be making this devil movie.

Please, leave.

I'm sorry.

I was expecting to be getting notes on the script

that I wrote.

I still have not gotten any.

Now, we are great at what we do but we can't help you.

My only advice would be to get electroshock therapy now.

Just cut out part of your brain and save yourself,

Charlie.

Oh, I'm sorry I was just thinking about the part

where all the old people were fed into John Malkovich head.

Oh, God.

Just please, get out of here you little white brat.

Oh my God.

OK, I'm sorry.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh my God.

That was just about as scary as the time

that man that looked like John Malkovich assaulted me.

That's right. It wasn't him.

He just looked like him.

Oh, yeah.

He was shorter, and fatter, and with blonde hair.

So as a media coach I love that you

have such a unique look.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm just wondering if we could take all of this

and just make it a little bit less.

Like take the best off?

No, I think the vest is OK.

I think it's more just--

yeah.

Glasses.

I think the glasses are the least of our problem.

My name is Janessa Slater and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

I know that under your hobo gloves

you have tattoos of Daryl Hall and John Oates.

I do.

Yeah, you know, I love "Private Eyes" as much

as the next girl.

But do you really think that those tattoos jive

with the whole hip hop scene?

Well, I'm not really concerned with jiving

with the hip hop scene.

And who the fuck says jive anyway?

Successful people say jive.

So Gym Class Heroes is considered

a rap rock band along with Limp Bizkit

and that's pretty much it.

Do you feel like Limp Bizkit paved the way for you guys?

That's the first time I've ever

heard Gym Class Heroes and then Bizkit in the same sentence.

But I don't think they had anything

to do with what we do--

Except when they sing their song and they were like,

we hate, you know, humans.

We hate nature.

We hate animals.

We're Limp Bizkit .

Rap rock, rap rock.

Which is exactly what we do.

We're the Gym Class Heroes and we're

here to say we hate humans in a major way or something.

Yeah.

You know, and like rap rock, rap rock, rap rock.

We're Limp Bizkit and we're going to rap rock, rap rock,

rap rock, rap rock, rap rock, rap rock, rap rock, rock rap,

rap rock, rock rap, rap rock.

So I'm going to read some of the lyrics

from your new song "Rough Waters."

Please do.

And I'm going to give you some feedback, OK?

Cool.

I'll be the Leo DiCaprio to your Kate Winslet.

Sometimes I panic but I never take it for granted.

I'll hold you till my lips turn blue like Jack in Titanic.

And if I lose my grip then just promise me this

you'll keep my love in a locket and always rock it.

So basically, you just retold the plot of Titanic.

Well, you know, it's a love story and you know,

I felt like it kind of went hand in hand

with what I was trying to--

I'm sorry.

Are you Travis McCoy or James Cameron?

Are you serious right now?

Do I look like James Cameron to you?

OK, well, you could be an Avatar, you know.

Because them all look like freaks, the avatars.

Here's an idea, if you're going to talk about a movie in one

of your songs you might want to pick one that

resonates more with your fans.

You know, like maybe "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"

or that new LEGO Movie that's coming out.

Why am I here again?

Scott who set this up?

Why am I here, seriously?

Rap rock.

Hi, I'm Sean O'Connor and this is my story.

I have an enemy, Ms. Siddiqui, my freshman year

biology teacher.

To paint a picture of what Ms. Siddiqui looked

like take Joseph Gordon-Levitt and then that's it.

She looks exactly like Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

She hated me because of something

that happened in our class.

We were dissecting a baby pig.

She broke us up in a groups.

My group was me, my best friend Brendan, and a guy named Brian

Jones, who we call BoJack.

We called him BoJack because he tried

to tell a story about a blowjob once and he called it a BoJack,

and we're like that is your name for ever now.

Now, to dissected a baby pig, it's super easy.

All you have to do is cut it open, remove it piece by piece

and label it.

We cut it open.

BoJack was like, I got it from here fellas.

He reached this huge paw into the baby pig.

He was squeezing his fist so tight it

was like he was trying to gain the baby pig's abilities.

He's like now I'm as strong as a baby pig.

And we're like , dude.

We're going to summer school.

You suck.

He realized that we were upset with him

and that's when he said, would it make

you feel better if I ate this.

And I was like, BoJack, I don't think I've ever felt

that good in my entire life.

You have to eat it and he was like, OK.

Then he gulped it like Popeye eats a can of spinach

and we laughed for like 20 minutes.

We stopped laughing just in time to hear

the two funniest words I've ever heard a human being speak.

We looked over to BoJack who was holding his stomach

and he screamed out, oh no.

That was immediately followed by the loudest diarrhea

noises anyone had ever heard.

It like shook the chalkboard.

At this point I was laughing so hard I forgot how to breathe.

Brandon was laughing so hard he started throw up.

And BoJack was running around in circles just screaming oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Oh no as diarrhea shot out the bottom of his khakis

creating this evil spiral graph.

Ms. Siddiqui was teaching class.

She looked over.

It's the first time I've ever heard a teacher curse.

She just screamed out what the ...

BoJack pointed at us and said, they made me eat the pig.

Ms. Siddiqui looked us in our kid eyes and said,

you both.

We were like, whoa, this is bad.

She was like, go to the principal.

We go down to the principal.

The principal is like a cool young

principal like sitting in his chair backwards like,

what's the hap's.

.

We were dissecting a baby pig.

And what happens when you do that is you cut it open

and remove it piece by piece and label it.

We cut it open.

And then Brian reached his huge hand into it,

pulled everything out, brought it out here, squished it.

Oh God.

And he was like, should I eat this right now.

And I don't remember what I said.

And so then he ate it and then he just pooped everywhere.

So what happens now?

I don't know what to tell you?

I guess we'll call the last principal or something.

What happens now is we had to go see a therapist

to take a personality disorder test

to find out if we were sociopaths or not.

All right, you're not a sociopath.

Go home. - I'm at home.

I'm on AOL Instant Messenger.

I get an IM from BoJack, and he was like, hey,

I totally forgive you for making me eat that pig.

I'm like, whatever, dude. It was your idea.

And then he said, I just want to let since we're

such good friends there's a child

molester in your neighborhood.

Do not go outside tonight.

Now we are 15 years later and I still have

no idea what he meant by that.

But I'll tell you, my 14-year-old brain

was like he's trying to prank you, prank him back.

BoJack, we should have listened to you.

We were molested last night.

BoJack said, I'm sorry to hear that

and walked to the principal's office,

told him we were molested, and we had to go to therapy

for five more months.

That's my story.

Too many carbs.

Too few carbs.

Hate cranberry.

Rums for winter.

Don't know what that is.

That is made up.

I don't like salty.

I hate sweet.

Whoa, a girls' night, huh?

I am so glad we did this.

I have had the longest day.

It's 10:30 AM.

I know.

This was such a good idea, Abi.

This was your idea and you said

you'd fire me if I didn't come.

Yep, sounds like me.

Boo.

So yeah, I'll be your server.

You dress like that for work?

Oh God, you sound like my mom.

Who I hate.

Big surprise there.

Here's a big surprise, menu.

Ooh, I like her.

She reminds me of a younger completely different me.

I think the menu cut my lip.

Will you look?

Sure.

Great, they have wine.

What do you want?

Do you always sneak up on people like that?

Only posers.

Yes, hi.

I would like an order of nachos but instead of chips can

you just use bagel bites.

We don't have bagel bites.

Abi, my coat.

That's just an order of regular nachos we'll be fine.

Oh, will it?

Let's play a drinking game.

Oh, I'm not really in the mood.

- Ready? - Are you kidding?

That's going to take forever.

Done.

Also I peed my pants.

Hey, this is from that fat loser over there.

Abi, what do I do?

A stranger sent me a drink and it's not roofied.

Wait.

No.

Right, you can taste roofies?

I pretended to have narcolepsy for an entire year once.

Just go say, hi.

No, I get too nervous.

I always end up saying something weird.

OK, here.

Pretend I'm a guy.

Do you have a dick?

Yes, I would hypothetically have a dick.

Is it big?

That's not the point.

Just practice on me.

OK, hey.

One time I killed a horse with my bare hands.

What?

I don't know the alphabet.

All right.

My dad's, dad's, dad's, dad was Hitler.

OK, we're good.

I legit think monkeys are sexy.

What?

My period lasts like 10 days.

You're done.

I have really bad narcolepsy.

Just stop.

Oh, did we start?

Here, these are cold.

Did you eat half of our nachos?

I'm starving.

My bitch mom cut off my allowance.

She's so jealous.

What a bitch.

Abby.

What?

She is.

Finally, somebody gets me.

These nachos are on the house.

She's so cool.

Do you think I could pull off that look.

Absolutely not.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

What about now?

As sure as I've ever been.

Somebody roofied the waitress.