Original subtitles

7 minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with model actress Selita Ebanks.

Hi, Selita. - Hi, how are you?

Good.

Have you ever heard of this supposed button that

like the president has, where if he pushes it,

everyone who's considered attractive

would be considered ugly and vise versa?

Is that like the staples easy button?

I guess so, yeah.

I think it's like that.

No.

Marry, screw, kill.

You know that game, where I give you three names

and you have to pick one of them that you would marry,

one of them you would sleep with, and one of them

you would kill. - Oh, god.

And the three people are Donald

Trump, Abraham Lincoln, and me.

This is such a setup by the way.

Well, Lincoln's already dead.

Well, like with a time machine.

No, I'll sound unpatriotic if I say I'll kill Lincoln,

like you're setting me up.

I'm not answering this question.

That's horrible.

And Donald Trump if I say I sleep with Donald Trump now,

oh, my god. No, way.

And you, I would totally kill you.

I would hope-- yeah.

Well, I think we got your answer.

And it's shocking to me.

I've got a series of adjectives I'm going to say

and I want you to say yes or no to whether they apply to you.

Wait, OK.

Motivated.

Yes.

Crabby.

Yes, at times.

Actually a dude.

What?

Like, would you describe yourself as actually a guy?

No.

Turned on by Gandhi.

- His brain. - Yeah.

Yes

Right?

That guy's got an attractive brain.

So this is called unsafe touch.

Oh.

And I'm going to-- you're going

to touch me in a place where you think I would feel unsafe.

And then I'll do the same.

Unsafe?

I have really long nails, so this could be unsafe.

Yeah, that's uncomfortable.

And I feel unsafe.

OK.

This will only take a sec.

I told you.

OK.

OK

Was that-- did you feel unsafe?

I stick my little clean finger in your nice clean ear.

My fingers are so clean.

If anything, my finger is now unclean.

Well, you know I think you're a model,

but you're super smart and charming.

I have my moments.

And I've had a good time in the interview.

Yeah.

And it is "7 Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, I didn't sign my release, did I?

OK.

OK.

All right, you just keep letting me know if I'm

being safe or unsafe, OK.

OK, wait, wait.

I love anytime I'm kissing someone,

if they yell wait, wait.

Ideally, that's when I know like I'm really in the zone.

Oh, my god.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh yeah.

Hi, guys.

I'm Dan Chamberlain.

And today, we're going to be making a birthday cake.

All you need is store brand cake mix.

I've selected vanilla here, a couple

eggs, and some vegetable oil.

Now, I know what you may be thinking, plain old vanilla?

That's not very festive for a birthday cake.

And you're right, it isn't.

But this birthday cake is for a very bad boy.

This birthday boy has been misbehaving all over town.

And his grades are in the shitter.

Still, even boys with the rudest tubes and worst sas mouths

deserve a cake on their birthday.

So let's get started--

You see, this shit.

This right here.

It never stops with this boy.

Really, you're just going to want

to follow the instructions on the back

of the cake mix package.

If this was a good boy, you'd of course be

making the cake from scratch.

But as you just saw with the shoelaces,

this is not a good boy.

Very bad in fact.

OK, so you're going to want to grease the--

who do you think this was?

That's a bad boy.

Now, as you blend your cake mix eggs, and oil,

in a mixing bowl, don't hesitate to throw

in a few swears and scolds.

They'll bake right in.

And your bad boy we'll definitely

be able to taste them.

You're so bad.

You bad boy.

We're all fed up with the shit.

Dr. Peabody is fed up with you.

Guess what?

I don't blame them.

Talk to your parents, talk to your sissy,

you bad .

You're letting everyone down.

They can't stand you because you're so bad.

Bad kid.

Perfect.

Now, we're going to get one left--

How did he do it again?

Sprinkle to your heart's delight, not all the way

though, the boy has been very bad.

And there you have it, one beautiful birthday cake for one

very bad boy.

Now, there's just one thing left to do.

Michael, Michael, Michael.

Oh, my gosh.

You-- you remembered-- you remember my birthday.

Look, Dan, I want to say that--

I know I've been really bad lately.

And I want to say that I'm sorry.

I've been having a lot of problems at work.

And I guess I just get a little anxious around my birthday.

Thank you for baking me a cake even though I've

been such a bad boy.

Happy birthday to you.

Cake sucks.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

You're a bad boy.

I'm going to get coffee or anything.

I'm kind of starving. - Yeah, yeah.

Later, let me just finish.

Thanks, honey.

OK, keep rolling.

I just want to say on camera that Arianna

says that Anthony has the ugliest balls in America.

Rachel, if you were with a man who had ugly balls,

would you tell him that?

Would you say that?

I mean a ball is a ball is a ball, right?

Holy cow.

Holy cow.

- I'm Anthony. - Did you grow up in Massapequa?

Yes, how did--

That's where we're from.

Right now, yeah, we just moved out.

No.

Now, where are you from originally?

- Fresh Meadows. - No.

Yes.

Why are you married to him?

We could be married.

OK.

My favorite pizza place, all the time,

- Brothers? - Brothers.

- Brothers. - You know Brothers?

- Of course, yeah. - Oh, my god.

I've never taken you there. It's good for you.

I know you haven't.

You've never taken him to Brothers?

No.

OK, that sets everything up perfect.

- I know a little bit about you. - Uh-oh.

- As far as you're concerned-- - I know a little bit about you.

That's very good, very good.

But oddly enough, I know more about you

than you know about me.

I'm sure.

Which Is almost impossible to imagine, isn't it right?

With all the shit people have written about me.

So you are a stay at home mom.

I am.

I have two kids.

You have two kids.

A two-year-old and a four-month-old.

A two-year-old and a four-month-old.

- Yes. - How old are you?

37.

You're 37.

I'm 20 years older than you.

I'm going to be 57 in April.

And in July, I'll have a two-year-old and a newborn.

You're out of your fricking mind.

Good luck with that, buddy.

Exactly.

What kind of work you do?

I'm an engineer for the government,

without going too far into that.

No, it's not like-- - You're working with Snowden?

What do you do?

You're an engineer for the government?

So this all sounds really good.

So what's the problem?

Where are the problems in this relationship?

Oh, my god.

Where do we begin?

How long of a ride do you have?

Where are the problems?

I mean, like most men, Anthony can't communicate.

So like he'll like let--

we don't really talk when he comes home.

It's just like here, or like I hate you.

But sometimes, I'll get a kiss but not always.

The kids always do.

It's also because I'm feeding off of you.

It's like I walk in and literally, I mean, come on.

Every time you walk through the door after you had a long day

and it's just like, oh, you made it home, uh?

You didn't die on the train?

Nothing happened to you?

I didn't get your life insurance, no?

Straight faced and everything.

They're competing for who has it worse.

You both are competing in the self pity department.

You have it hard. And you have--

What I'm saying-- what's missing is unfettered,

unfiltered romance.

I want you to write down, don't show each other

the answer, how many times a month do you have sex?

And reveal.

Minus 10? - Minus 10.

Minus 10?

I said 0 to 1.

So you're not having sex or you're not having enough sex.

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.

So at the end of the day, you're exhausted.

When you want to have sex, do you communicate?

You never want to have sex?

I know he beats me to it.

Like I never--

You never have to ask because he's always asking?

Always.

He's always, bing bong, bing bong.

And you know how he asks?

He Takes his penis out and he like

hits me in the head with it. Like, you want to have sex?

That's--

I haven't done that in a very long.

That's romancing his wife.

Ask him if they hold up in--

romances his balls.

He'll know what that's about.

They want to know about his balls.

Oh, awesome.

That's a really, great car ride right now.

What do you mean ugly balls?

I know one is always bigger, but

Anthony's like hang super low.

OK?

I love you.

Super low, lots of skin, and then the ball.

And he has like the--

can I be--

Are there pretty balls out there?

Describe the last guy you were with that had pretty balls.

Yeah, thank you, please.

And who cares about the balls when there's a nice penis?

And he has beautiful penis.

Can-- can you believe that?

Aw, thank you.

Your wife just said on TV that you have a good--

I'm going to cry.

I'm going to cry too.

You guys have a great thing.

You need to work harder.

That's a simple bogus thing to say.

And you want to come home for a couple of minutes

to sit down and go, tell me what's going on with you?

How you feeling?

What kind of a day did you have?

And shut up and listen.

And then, let him do that.

Allow him to be--

Alec Baldwin, you old softie.

You think you're like, well, it's just today.

It's just because Alec Baldwin told you to.

I don't talk like that.

No, you don't, actually.

You are a very 1/6 of me.

Now, what's the last thing you're going to do for me,

promise me, what are you going to do when you leave here?

Sex.

Not you meatball.

Son of a bitch.

What I'm going to do? I don't know.

You're going to take him where?

To Brothers.

Get out of here.

Hi, and welcome to "Cocktales."

I'm your host Little Esther.

And my guest today is a woman who I've known for a long time

because she is my mother.

Welcome. - Cheers.

Cheers.

OK, mom, so if I say anything or ask you anything that makes

you uncomfortable, just use today's safe word which is,

you're my favorite daughter.

She's been trying to get me to say that for the last 25 years.

Why won't you say it?

Because I don't have favorites.

But that's not true.

No, I love you both equally.

Which one's prettier?

You're both beautiful.

Who looks more like you, me or my sister?

Neither one of you.

Do I look like you?

No, I think you look like your father.

No.

Well, you have my round face.

I also have your spider veins, thank you.

And my thighs.

I'm going to list a bunch of different qualities

and you can just say whether you find them

to be a turn on or turn off.

OK.

Hickeys.

Turn on.

Oh, hide out and gave each other hickeys.

You're my favorite daughter.

Knowing the Jersey Boys soundtrack by heart.

Turn on.

Why?

Because I love the Jersey Boys.

I love their music.

I already forgot.

What's the safe-word?

What about takes a lot of baths?

Turn off.

Why?

I mean only women take baths.

Mom, that's sexist.

Dad takes baths.

I know.

And what are you saying?

He's too feminine.

He does have supermodel legs that I wish I had.

And his skin is so soft.

Have you ever heard me having sex?

No, thank goodness.

Well, dad walked in once.

And dad came home early from work and my high school

boyfriend was on top of me.

And then dad closed the door and said,

are you guys practicing your monologues?

Oh, no.

Have I ever heard you having sex?

I hope not, but probably.

You wouldn't have sex when I'm in the house, would you?

Well, I don't prefer to but your dad doesn't seem to care.

Oh, my gosh.

The show is over.

I'm losing feeling in my hands.

I don't know why, but every time you

come home he wants to have sex.

Why would you say that?

Does being pregnant hurt?

When I was pregnant with you was not a good experience.

Are you still attracted to dad?

Of course I am.

Oh?

Yeah, in my eyes he's handsome.

Yeah.

Who do you love more, your husband or your children?

I would give my life for my children.

But then why wouldn't you give me your jacket when I'm cold?

I find that hard to believe.

Do you think I'm talented?

Yeah, I do.

At what?

Bamboozling.

No, I mean, I had my doubts in the beginning,

but you've proven us wrong, so.

Well, that's what it's about.

Yeah.

Thank you for being on my show.

Thanks for having me.

As a parting gift, I got you a little something.

This is a get out of a date free card.

And what it is is a potion that will

make you throw up on command.

So if you want to get out of a date, or an obligation,

or get rid of a big meal, this will do the trick.

Well, it's so sweet of you.

You're welcome.

Thank you for having me.

Hey, Benjamin.

Hey, Tim.

I wanted to talk to you about that argument we had yesterday.

Yeah, you know what?

You don't have to say anything.

Please, I really do.

I feel like I do.

I said some very hurtful things, you know, vicious cruel things,

things that could break a man.

I just wanted you to know that I meant them.

What?

Yeah, I didn't get carried away in the heat of the moment,

I chose my words very carefully.

And I'm glad I said what I said.

Why are you telling me this?

Well, I just didn't want you to assume that I was

having a bad day or something.

And then not take everything that I said to heart.

You know, I was actually having a great day.

I mean, I think what I said was kind

of like the perfect expression of how I

felt about you since I met you.

So the thing you said about my face?

Yes, I think that.

And my mom?

Yes, I do hope that happens to her, hard.

OK.

OK.

I feel better.

Do you feel better?

No.

Me too.

You want anything from the vending machine?

Can you give me a Snickers?

I don't think they have that.

Soft.

Hello, welcome to having a lovely time

while wearing sweaters.

The show about having a very nice

time with the ones you care about and who care about you.

Before the break, we put our muffins in the oven.

Let's recap.

These muffins are going to be piping hot when

you take them out of the oven.

So while you make your frosting.

you can go ahead and put these on a cold porch.

Mmh, those look good.

How did it get in?

It's a monkey.

It's not a monkey.

It's a monkey.

It's not a monkey.

Get it. Get it.

Get it.

No, no, no, no.

Shh.

- Where did it go? - There.

He's looking right at me.

What is it?

It's a black warring vulture.

He must have escaped from the old mountain.

Is it a poisonous bird?

Oh, my god.

Should I pick up the muffins?

No, just stand still.

If we stay too still, it will think we are dead

and try to feed on us.

Well, just stand still, but move just enough so that it

knows that you're not dead.

OK.

It doesn't matter, we're already dead.

Relax, relax.

We should be OK as long as nothing startles it.

Right, so let's just keep trying to have a lovely time.

So slowly.

Today we're making a classic vanilla frosting.

We're using a lady cow's milk.

Oh, no.

It's the bird clock.

Oh, no, it's venom.

You get off of him.

You get off of him.

The blood has spilled in the ...

It's the dog clock.

It's scaring it away.

I've locked it in the OVEN.

Oh, god.

These are filthy.

How are we going to have a lovely time now?

Look at this delicious fowl.

Ooh, you hit the venom sac.

No, jeez.

Excuse me.

I just wanted to say that are breathtaking and I would love--

I'm sorry.

I'm not emotionally available.

Fitz, I said stop.

Hello.

Sigh, if this is about Fitz, I don't--

Hello.

Jake, I've been waiting here over 20 minutes.

I'm not some B613 drone who you can just

beckon whenever you feel like.

You have to earn me.

Sorry, she's teething.

I'll get her to quiet down soon.

It's OK.

I didn't come over here to complain.

Hi, I'm Olivia Pope.

May I?

Uh.

Trust me.

I said, trust me.

OK.

It's chamomile scented.

It's a natural relaxant.

Oh, are you a new mom too?

Oh god, no.

But I have had plenty of experience

hiding a senator's love child during a fundraising dinner.

Hi.

Hi.

You're so pretty.

And you need to get it together because you are embarrassing

your mother right now.

And she is starting to wonder if she made

a mistake when she had you.

You're not a mistake, are you?

No, no, you're not.

So prove it.

Look, I know you're a baby.

And I know you don't have your words.

But right now, you are my client.

And you need to trust me, do you?

How did you--

You know, she may be getting a bit of an ear infection.

So you can get her to a doctor, I

suggest a few drops of children's aspirin right

before bed.

Oh, no, keep it.

I'll tell you where to get one, but it

was given to me by an 80-year-old Icelandic witness.

Thank you.