Original subtitles

Steven, it has been too long.

Look at you.

You look exactly the same.

Is that the same hat?

Ugh, I bet it stinks by now.

Mildew.

Stinky hat.

P-U. Oh.

Isn't this fun, the old gang back together?

Yeah.

Spielberg.

Thanks for taking the time to meet.

So we got a hot little script in our hand,

and we heard that you want to produce and direct.

"Jurassic Park."

Ooh, how fun.

We've got a theme park, we got dinosaurs.

Steven, this is brilliant.

Oh, well, that's very good to hear.

So much potential here.

And then you go ahead and you just

squash the whole thing by making us hate the dinosaurs.

Why would you do that? - Oh god.

Look at this opening scene.

We're not even two pages into this thing

and you've got a guy already getting his guts

ripped apart by an angry dino.

Why's the dinosaur so angry?

We brought him back to life, right?

He should be happy.

The whole tone of this script is off.

I mean, look at page 34.

We got a group of scientists standing around talking

about a triceratops turd?

Droppings, but yes.

You bring dinosaurs back from the dead

and all you can write about is them

getting angry and making turds?

Steven, you are obsessed with turds.

No, I'm not obsessed with turds--

Yes, you are.

You're the ones who keep bringing

turds up in every meeting.

There's a scene later where the lawyer runs out

of the Jeep to go take a turd.

And then when the T-Rex eats him,

he's in the middle of taking the turd!

That's something a demented child would write.

You know, it's actually meant to be playful and scary.

Well, it only succeeded in being about turds.

I'm happy to lose that scene anyway.

It's turdable.

You have an enormous T-Rex chasing a car full of people

in the rain and all that you want to write about is

a cup of water shaking?

The water is supposed to be a powerful image.

Well, then you're focusing on the wrong images.

You have a movie full of dinosaurs and then

not one person rides one?

What's the point of that?

OK.

This film is meant to show that bringing dinosaurs back,

essentially playing God, could backfire,

could be very dangerous.

Wait, but the dinosaurs don't have guns, right?

- No. - I wasn't talking to you.

The humans and dinosaurs going to fight.

As you insist, shouldn't the humans win?

I like that.

Probably because Gene said it and not you.

But some mean scientists, they bring back some mean dinosaurs

to control the world.

Then you can have the good guys, America, come in

and take those dinosaurs out.

Bang, bang, bang.

You're dead, mean dinosaurs.

That is a much better ending than what you have,

people scurrying away like cowards

and flying off in a helicopter.

Yeah, probably because the dinosaur

turds smelled so dang bad.

Why do you hate people so much, Steven?

I don't hate people.

OK.

Well, which do you like better, people or dinosaurs?

An easy question.

You should be able to answer it right away.

I'm surprised you haven't answered the question yet,

Steven.

What's taking you so long to answer?

If somebody asked me, people or dinosaurs?

I say people before they're even done.

Just say people or dinosaurs.

Say people.

You got a 50% chance you're going to guess the right thing.

It's people.

I feel like most of your movies are about people.

Well, people or turds.

People.

Exactly Yes!

Yes!

We got him.

He's back.

Woo.

Thought we lost you. - Oh thank god.

All right.

So let's have people beat the dinosaurs, right?

"People Versus Dinosaurs."

It's a battle of the ages.

There's your movie.

Thank you, Derry.

I would see that a million times quicker than your dumb turd

and a cup of water movie.

I don't think you people have any idea what you're doing.

I am a very successful director.

I've made numerous successful films

and yet you refuse to listen to me.

Shh.

Turd.

OK.

Just forget it.

I am never coming back here.

This was clearly a mistake.

Someone's acting like one of the bad, stupid people

that's in his own movies.

Is that stinky smell your turd?

Do you need me to change your diaper because I'm

the only woman in the room?

You know, I didn't understand the beginning.

They had that little mosquito frozen on a piece of turd.

No, yeah.

So they cut it off when you're a baby.

I failed my driver's test again.

How this time?

Ran over a man and his wife.

Well, we've done it.

Mount Rushmore is finally finished.

And as the leader of the Mount Rushmore creative team,

I wanted to get some feedback from you all.

Find out what we liked, what we didn't like,

and what we might have done better.

So remember, this is a safe space.

Don't be shy.

Share your feelings.

What do we think about Mount Rushmore?

Well, the president's faces are definitely on a mountain

now. - Yeah.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Good, good.

What else?

The presidents' faces weren't on a mountain,

and now they are on a mountain, so that's you know--

No.

What is it?

It's something.

It's certainly something.

And that's a credit to you, so good job there, Jonah.

- Yes. - Jonah.

Good job.

Yeah.

You know, 13 years ago, if you woke up and said,

I want to see what President Jefferson's face looks like

carved into the side of a mountain, you'da had

no place to go, and now you do.

South Dakota.

You know?

And people can visit Mount Rushmore if they

get lost driving to Chicago.

But aren't we proud of what we've accomplished?

Faces are definitely on a mountain.

We've established that.

And they're big.

Very big.

Big presidents faces.

- Big nostrils. - Big chins.

Big mouths.

The faces can't talk and you can't kiss their lips,

but it's good. - Kiss their lips?

What?

Well, you don't have to feed them or anything.

It's everything a face would have but bigger.

And people like big things.

Oh yeah.

They love looking up at big things and then,

like, going up to big things and looking down from big things,

and we have definitely given them

an opportunity to do that here.

Guys, Mount Rushmore is a lasting symbol of America's

past, of its greatness.

You know what I like about it?

The faces make sense.

Now, what do you mean they make sense?

OK.

Well, I've been thinking about this for a while now

and Mount Rushmore wouldn't make sense

if it was Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington, and Jerry Seinfeld,

right?

For a couple of reasons, really.

One, Jerry Seinfeld wasn't born for another 13 years.

And two, he never becomes president.

Funny guy, though.

- Oh, very funny. - He's very funny.

He's a very funny guy.

That's what you've been thinking about?

Mm-hmm.

Well, go with me on this for a little bit.

It would only make sense if Jerry Seinfeld was on there

if Elaine, Kramer, and George-- you

know, the cast of "Seinfeld--" they were also on there.

But instead, we don't have the cast of "Seinfeld,"

we have the presidents.

And we couldn't have had the cast of "Friends."

I mean, there's six of them,

and there's only four spots up there.

That means two people would have been left out.

- Which two? - Yeah, which two?

Exactly. - That's a nightmare.

And I wouldn't have wanted to have made that decision.

"Friends" will have a huge fan base.

What does this have to do with anything?

Good job picking presidents.

Woo! - Oh yeah.

Yes! - OK.

Please stop.

Guys, stop with the halfhearted applause.

I'm going to ask you a question here

and I want everybody to be honest.

Is Mount Rushmore not good?

If we're being completely honest, it's just, you know,

it's a little dumb.

- What? - It's dumb.

Yeah.

It's dumb.

Overall, it's a dumb thing.

Mm-hmm.

It's very dumb.

- It skews dumb. - Super dumb.

It's just dumb.

You can't just keep saying it's dumb without saying

why it's dumb. Why is it dumb?

Hey, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Sure we can.

Look, see, in this world, there are things that aren't dumb.

Like air and heart transplants.

And there are things that are dumb.

Like water beds and Mount Rushmore.

Listen to the idea out loud, big faces of famous people

on a rock.

It does sound like it's from the mind of a five-year-old.

All those years of work for a very dumb thing.

I'm going to resign.

He'll be fine.

Somebody just committed suicide out there.

It's crazy!

Hello.

Oh.

Oh.

No way.

Now, you guys are married?

- We are. - Yes.

You've been married for how long?

- Almost five years. - Almost five years--

Five years? - this July.

Where are you from originally?

Let me guess, Spokane, Washington?

Where are you from?

I was born in Greenville, Mississippi.

You were born in Greenville, Mississippi?

You cannot tell from the accent.

I really can't.

Or the interracial relationship.

Where are you from?

Brooklyn, New York. Born and raised.

Brooklyn, New York.

Where'd you meet? - Match.com.

My niece's once, when I got divorced from my first wife,

as a joke they put me on I think it was Match.

And the only woman I ever even got close to contact-- and this

was when I was single--

it turned out to be a woman who was married

to a man in Southern California, and she was struggling

because her husband turned out to be gay

and she was a sex addict.

Oh.

Let's slow down a bit, OK?

You met my friend Greg? - No.

Hi, Greg.

Hi, Greg.

He used to drive for the Cali cartel down in--

And why did he move to New York?

Well, actually, I was in Miami.

I was just born in Mississippi, so.

You look like a beach guy.

Yeah, you seem more Miami.

There's kind of an opaqueness to you.

There we go.

I can see right through you.

And you teach--

where do you teach?

In Bed-Stuy.

Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn right off the--

I know where Bed-Stuy is.

Where do you think I--

That's true.

What do you think I am, Thurston Howell III here?

What the eff is wrong with you, baby?

I know where Bed-Stuy is. - Of course.

Yeah.

I'm right there off the J train.

Wait, what's that, the J-- No, I'm kidding.

So what kind of men did you typically

date before you met him?

- Tall. - Tall?

Yeah.

You like this lean, kind of Ichabod Crane type that he is?

Wow.

I would actually like if he was a little heavier.

Yes. But--

He's a lean guy. He's very--

I am.

When something falls behind the sofa,

he comes in handy. He's got to, like--

How'd you know?

And what kind of women did you like before that?

Mainly college coeds, actually.

A lot of times, it was college coeds.

I dated both my age when I was in my 20s.

And then when I was in my 30s, I was

still dating the 20-year-olds.

You were? Yes.

You were kind of stuck in that place.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah.

You and Greg should hang out together.

Greg is actually 63 years old.

All right.

And he's still getting it on with, like,

you know, 19- and 20-year-olds.

He likes he likes college coeds too.

Yes, yes.

With Greg, it's like community college.

What's one thing you'd like him to change?

Yeah.

This has been something we've been struggling

with for almost five years.

He can be a little inconsiderate at time.

How so?

There'll be times where he'll go out and buy--

if he's out and he'll buy food or buy coffee or something,

and he'll come in and never ask.

Never calls to say, hey, do you want-- do you want something?

And he'll walk in with it.

And I'm like, you know, I'd have really liked the hot chocolate.

That would have been great.

And he's like, ugh. I'm sorry.

Guilty.

What happened to those Southern manners of yours?

Oh god. He's so right.

I didn't even think about it that way.

Oh, Alec. You're not helping me here.

I'm not here to help you.

I'm here to watch her stomp you into the ground.

What do you want her to change?

Maybe be a little more patient with my inconsistencies.

Because I know I can be inconsistent sometimes.

What do you guys got planned for Saturday?

Oh, maybe we'll go out to brunch.

No, no, no.

I don't care if you have to walk in the freezing cold

to find her the creamiest, most delicious hot chocolate

there in Canarsie.

I want you to bring her a hot chocolate.

And I want you-- what do you like for breakfast?

Pancakes, omelet?

I like an omelet with lots of feta cheese and spinach.

Can you get your hands on some eggs,

feta cheese, spinach, and a hot chocolate near where you live?

Yes, I can. That around?

Absolutely. Don't let me down.

Yes, sir. I will make that happen.

And then if he does it, he really does it,

I want you to tell him, thank you.

I appreciate you for doing that.

I will.

You take care, all right?

Stay out of trouble.

Make some friends.

Just take care of yourself.

Bye.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

Go, go, go.

Please.

Listen to me.

Go.

Go.

Go on.

Get out of here.

Go on.

You can't-- you can't be with me anymore.

Just-- go.

Go on.

Go!

Go!

Just go.

Just go, go, go!

Just go!

Just go!

Go, go, go!

Just go!

Go!

Go!

Just go.

Go on!

Leave us!

Go!

Go!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, my son.

It's OK.

It's OK, honey.

Wow.

You are really bad at goodbyes.

Really bad.

Oh god.

OK.

Come on.

Excuse me.

OK. Sorry.

Sorry.

Uh-oh.

Pete, looks like we got a Cougars fan over here.

Sitting in the Tiger's section, eh, pal?

Yeah.

Trying to watch my son's first varsity game,

but that home team cheering section is packed.

Hey, well, don't worry.

We don't bite.

Now, our kids may be on opposing teams,

but at the end of the day, we're all parents who love our kids.

I never thought of it that way.

No way is that a foul!

Open your eyes, ref!

What game are you watching?

Wow.

You guys are serious about basketball, huh?

What?

Oh, sorry about that.

Yeah, our sons are out there.

We get a little caught up in the game.

I get that.

Watching your kid play can be pretty emotional.

That's exactly right.

You know, we're here to show these boys

that we support them.

Win or lose, unconditional support,

now that's what really matters.

That's so true.

Come on, ref!

That's a terrible call!

Pull your head out of your ...

Why don't you get new glasses, you worthless ??

Oof.

You guys do not mince words.

Oh.

Sorry again.

You know we just get a little excited for our sons' sakes.

You see, we love them, and we want to express that to them.

Sure.

Dr. Phil, Oz, says that clear emotional expression from

a father or a father-like figure can make all the difference

in a boy's development.

That's definitely true.

I remember my father--

Seriously?

Are there six Cougars on that court?

Because right now, I think you play for them!

You're too old and fat to be playing

high school basketball, ref!

Oh, I hope you choke on that whistle, you

zebra-striped piece of !

- I think I'm going to go. - What?

No. Please stay.

Come on.

No, you guys are maybe a little too passionate for me.

It's a passionate game, both basketball and loving your son.

You see, we're raising these boys not just to be men,

but to be thoughtful and sensitive members of society.

You steaming pile of dog !!

I'm gonna steal that whistle around your neck that

you deem to be God and shove it so far up

your that your gonna sound

like a tea kettle for a month!

you!

You, me, knife fight, right now!

Two men enter, one ref dies a gruesome death!

Sorry.

I forgot what we were talking about.

He didn't even say goodbye.

Well, that's a bad example for his son.

My god.

That meeting was a nightmare.

Was it three hours?

It felt like three hours.

Pete would not shut the up.

Pete?

Yeah.

He was going on and on about rebranding or some shit.

It's like, dude, shut up.

I don't remember that.

I just remember that it was like a boring meeting.

No, it was Pete because ...

No, Pete's a really nice guy.

No.

I know we say he's a nice guy, but he's an ...

That's what we're all thinking.

No, we're not.

He brings us fudge from vacation every year.

Yeah, but it's not great fudge.

He's one of those people who's so annoying that I want

something to happen to him.

Like what?

Like maybe he could die or something, you know?

It'd be so great.

Well, we couldn't say it was great, but it'd be great.

No.

It wouldn't be.

Are you joking around right now?

Oh yeah.

OK.

Good.

Ben.

Wanna help me kill Pete?

Hi.

I'm Glenn.

I'm a writer at "Above Average," and I'm here

with Patty, our head of HR, to ask

her a few questions as to what I can and can't do in the office.

Patty, at this point, I've asked you

if I can do a lot of things in the office,

and you've said no to approximately all of them.

So I brought my lawyer in today.

This is Peter. - Hi.

Hi, Peter.

He's an expert in what employees are

allowed to do in offices, so.

I didn't know you studied employment law.

I went to--

I went to law school.

Patty, can I keep a pee bucket under my desk?

No.

My lawyer.

Actually, according to the 314-2 public urination laws

in New York City, when at work, Glenn is not in public,

therefore, she's allowed to keep a pee

bucket underneath her desk.

Case closed. - But it's in public.

There are people around.

Not according to laws.

So, Patty, I'm going to give you a size

and you tell me when to stop.

What's the biggest doobie I'm allowed to smoke in the office?

- There you go. - None?

None.

Incorrect.

In 2014, New York decriminalized marijuana.

Do you know what decriminalize means?

The second part of that is that you need

to have a medical condition.

I can't find anything in there that says we can't do it.

So next question.

Can I tease the interns?

No.

We should treat interns with respect.

But they're such .

That's, like, my number one word that I can't stand.

intern?

The P word.

I think it's actually a fireable offense.

?

Stop.

Yes.

I mean, but to be fair, legally, they are ...

But the next time someone has a birthday, can we get them

a cake shaped like boobs?

How about no?

Well, one may argue that a rectangular birthday cake

actually does resemble a penis.

We don't have rectangular cakes

either because we know about the similarities to penises.

So you think that birthday cakes look like penises?

- You're the one that said it. - Patty.

Patty, that's disgusting. - Boob cake?

- You know what-- - Am I going cra--

Am I taking crazy pills?

I feel like I'm back at sophomore year at Yale here,

Yale Law College.

So, Patty, I can't fart in the office, but can I queef?

I just don't remem--

Again, a queef is a fart--

I know-- OK.

- from a . - Yeah.

Actually, according to the Urban Dictionary,

it's an expulsion of wind from the vulva.

So telling my client that she isn't allowed

to fart vaginally I would assume is

discrimination against women.

Listen, I don't know when I became the police

on air coming out of your body.

You're not the police queef?

Correct.

You're not the queef of police?

Can I bring a selfie stick to work?

Sure.

A selfie stick is what I call my vibrator.

OK.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

For real.

Can I actually bring a selfie stick to work?

Like, a literal selfie stick, the one that you extend and you

put on your camera, you can get it at Duane

Reade, where you literally-- Yes.

OK. Great.

And then can I stick that selfie stick up my ??

That was so good.