All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E15.What.Does.This.Have.to.Do.With.Anything.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Steven, it has been too long.

Look at you.

You look exactly the same.

Is that the same hat?

Ugh, I bet it stinks by now.

Mildew.

Stinky hat.

P-U. Oh.

Isn't this fun, the
old gang back together?

Yeah.

Spielberg.

Thanks for taking
the time to meet.

So we got a hot little
script in our hand,

and we heard that you want
to produce and direct.

"Jurassic Park."

Ooh, how fun.

We've got a theme
park, we got dinosaurs.

Steven, this is brilliant.

Oh, well, that's
very good to hear.

So much potential here.

And then you go
ahead and you just

squash the whole thing by
making us hate the dinosaurs.

Why would you do that?
- Oh god.

Look at this opening scene.

We're not even two
pages into this thing

and you've got a guy
already getting his guts

ripped apart by an angry dino.

Why's the dinosaur so angry?

We brought him
back to life, right?

He should be happy.

The whole tone of
this script is off.

I mean, look at page 34.

We got a group of scientists
standing around talking

about a triceratops turd?

Droppings, but yes.

You bring dinosaurs
back from the dead

and all you can
write about is them

getting angry and making turds?

Steven, you are
obsessed with turds.

No, I'm not
obsessed with turds--

Yes, you are.

You're the ones
who keep bringing

turds up in every meeting.

There's a scene later
where the lawyer runs out

of the Jeep to go take a turd.

And then when the
T-Rex eats him,

he's in the middle
of taking the turd!

That's something a
demented child would write.

You know, it's actually
meant to be playful and scary.

Well, it only succeeded
in being about turds.

I'm happy to lose
that scene anyway.

It's turdable.

You have an enormous T-Rex
chasing a car full of people

in the rain and all that
you want to write about is

a cup of water shaking?

The water is supposed
to be a powerful image.

Well, then you're focusing
on the wrong images.

You have a movie full
of dinosaurs and then

not one person rides one?

What's the point of that?

OK.

This film is meant to show
that bringing dinosaurs back,

essentially playing
God, could backfire,

could be very dangerous.

Wait, but the dinosaurs
don't have guns, right?

- No.
- I wasn't talking to you.

The humans and dinosaurs
going to fight.

As you insist, shouldn't
the humans win?

I like that.

Probably because Gene
said it and not you.

But some mean scientists, they
bring back some mean dinosaurs

to control the world.

Then you can have the
good guys, America, come in

and take those dinosaurs out.

Bang, bang, bang.

You're dead, mean dinosaurs.

That is a much better
ending than what you have,

people scurrying
away like cowards

and flying off in a helicopter.

Yeah, probably
because the dinosaur

turds smelled so dang bad.

Why do you hate
people so much, Steven?

I don't hate people.

OK.

Well, which do you like
better, people or dinosaurs?

An easy question.

You should be able to
answer it right away.

I'm surprised you haven't
answered the question yet,

Steven.

What's taking you
so long to answer?

If somebody asked me,
people or dinosaurs?

I say people before
they're even done.

Just say people or dinosaurs.

Say people.

You got a 50% chance you're
going to guess the right thing.

It's people.

I feel like most of your
movies are about people.

Well, people or turds.

People.

Exactly Yes!

Yes!

We got him.

He's back.

Woo.

Thought we lost you.
- Oh thank god.

All right.

So let's have people beat
the dinosaurs, right?

"People Versus Dinosaurs."

It's a battle of the ages.

There's your movie.

Thank you, Derry.

I would see that a million times
quicker than your dumb turd

and a cup of water movie.

I don't think you people have
any idea what you're doing.

I am a very successful director.

I've made numerous
successful films

and yet you refuse
to listen to me.

Shh.

Turd.

OK.

Just forget it.

I am never coming back here.

This was clearly a mistake.

Someone's acting like one
of the bad, stupid people

that's in his own movies.

Is that stinky
smell your turd?

Do you need me to change
your diaper because I'm

the only woman in the room?

You know, I didn't
understand the beginning.

They had that little mosquito
frozen on a piece of turd.

No, yeah.

So they cut it off
when you're a baby.

I failed my
driver's test again.

How this time?

Ran over a man and his wife.

Well, we've done it.

Mount Rushmore is
finally finished.

And as the leader of the
Mount Rushmore creative team,

I wanted to get some
feedback from you all.

Find out what we liked,
what we didn't like,

and what we might
have done better.

So remember, this
is a safe space.

Don't be shy.

Share your feelings.

What do we think
about Mount Rushmore?

Well, the president's faces
are definitely on a mountain

now.
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Good, good.

What else?

The presidents' faces
weren't on a mountain,

and now they are on a
mountain, so that's you know--

No.

What is it?

It's something.

It's certainly something.

And that's a credit to you,
so good job there, Jonah.

- Yes.
- Jonah.

Good job.

Yeah.

You know, 13 years ago,
if you woke up and said,

I want to see what President
Jefferson's face looks like

carved into the side of
a mountain, you'da had

no place to go, and now you do.

South Dakota.

You know?

And people can visit
Mount Rushmore if they

get lost driving to Chicago.

But aren't we proud of
what we've accomplished?

Faces are definitely
on a mountain.

We've established that.

And they're big.

Very big.

Big presidents faces.

- Big nostrils.
- Big chins.

Big mouths.

The faces can't talk and
you can't kiss their lips,

but it's good.
- Kiss their lips?

What?

Well, you don't have
to feed them or anything.

It's everything a face
would have but bigger.

And people like big things.

Oh yeah.

They love looking up
at big things and then,

like, going up to big things and
looking down from big things,

and we have
definitely given them

an opportunity to do that here.

Guys, Mount Rushmore is a
lasting symbol of America's

past, of its greatness.

You know what I like about it?

The faces make sense.

Now, what do you
mean they make sense?

OK.

Well, I've been thinking
about this for a while now

and Mount Rushmore
wouldn't make sense

if it was Lincoln, Jefferson,
Washington, and Jerry Seinfeld,

right?

For a couple of reasons, really.

One, Jerry Seinfeld wasn't
born for another 13 years.

And two, he never
becomes president.

Funny guy, though.

- Oh, very funny.
- He's very funny.

He's a very funny guy.

That's what you've
been thinking about?

Mm-hmm.

Well, go with me on
this for a little bit.

It would only make sense if
Jerry Seinfeld was on there

if Elaine, Kramer,
and George-- you

know, the cast of "Seinfeld--"
they were also on there.

But instead, we don't have
the cast of "Seinfeld,"

we have the presidents.

And we couldn't have had
the cast of "Friends."

I mean,
there's six of them,

and there's only
four spots up there.

That means two people
would have been left out.

- Which two?
- Yeah, which two?

Exactly.
- That's a nightmare.

And I wouldn't have wanted
to have made that decision.

"Friends" will have
a huge fan base.

What does this have
to do with anything?

Good job picking presidents.

Woo!
- Oh yeah.

Yes!
- OK.

Please stop.

Guys, stop with the
halfhearted applause.

I'm going to ask
you a question here

and I want everybody
to be honest.

Is Mount Rushmore not good?

If we're being completely
honest, it's just, you know,

it's a little dumb.

- What?
- It's dumb.

Yeah.

It's dumb.

Overall, it's a dumb thing.

Mm-hmm.

It's very dumb.

- It skews dumb.
- Super dumb.

It's just dumb.

You can't just keep saying
it's dumb without saying

why it's dumb.
Why is it dumb?

Hey, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.

Sure we can.

Look, see, in this world, there
are things that aren't dumb.

Like air and
heart transplants.

And there are
things that are dumb.

Like water beds
and Mount Rushmore.

Listen to the idea out loud,
big faces of famous people

on a rock.

It does sound like it's from
the mind of a five-year-old.

All those years of work
for a very dumb thing.

I'm going to resign.

He'll be fine.

Somebody just committed
suicide out there.

It's crazy!

Hello.

Oh.

Oh.

No way.

Now,
you guys are married?

- We are.
- Yes.

You've been
married for how long?

- Almost five years.
- Almost five years--

Five years?
- this July.

Where are you from originally?

Let me guess,
Spokane, Washington?

Where are you from?

I was born in
Greenville, Mississippi.

You were born in
Greenville, Mississippi?

You cannot tell
from the accent.

I really can't.

Or the interracial
relationship.

Where are you from?

Brooklyn, New York.
Born and raised.

Brooklyn, New York.

Where'd you meet?
- Match.com.

My niece's once, when I got
divorced from my first wife,

as a joke they put me
on I think it was Match.

And the only woman I ever even
got close to contact-- and this

was when I was single--

it turned out to be a
woman who was married

to a man in Southern California,
and she was struggling

because her husband
turned out to be gay

and she was a sex addict.

Oh.

Let's slow down a bit, OK?

You met my friend Greg?
- No.

Hi, Greg.

Hi, Greg.

He used to drive for
the Cali cartel down in--

And why did he
move to New York?

Well, actually,
I was in Miami.

I was just born in
Mississippi, so.

You look like a beach guy.

Yeah, you seem more Miami.

There's kind of an
opaqueness to you.

There we go.

I can see
right through you.

And you teach--

where do you teach?

In Bed-Stuy.

Bedford-Stuyvesant,
Brooklyn right off the--

I know where Bed-Stuy is.

Where do you think I--

That's true.

What do you think I am,
Thurston Howell III here?

What the eff is
wrong with you, baby?

I know where Bed-Stuy is.
- Of course.

Yeah.

I'm right there off the J train.

Wait, what's that, the J--
No, I'm kidding.

So what kind of men
did you typically

date before you met him?

- Tall.
- Tall?

Yeah.

You like this lean, kind of
Ichabod Crane type that he is?

Wow.

I would actually like
if he was a little heavier.

Yes.
But--

He's a lean guy.
He's very--

I am.

When something
falls behind the sofa,

he comes in handy.
He's got to, like--

How'd you know?

And what kind of women
did you like before that?

Mainly college
coeds, actually.

A lot of times, it
was college coeds.

I dated both my age
when I was in my 20s.

And then when I was
in my 30s, I was

still dating the 20-year-olds.

You were?
Yes.

You were kind of
stuck in that place.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah.

You and Greg should
hang out together.

Greg is actually 63 years old.

All right.

And he's still getting
it on with, like,

you know, 19- and 20-year-olds.

He likes he likes
college coeds too.

Yes, yes.

With Greg, it's like
community college.

What's one thing you'd
like him to change?

Yeah.

This has been something
we've been struggling

with for almost five years.

He can be a little
inconsiderate at time.

How so?

There'll be times where
he'll go out and buy--

if he's out and he'll buy food
or buy coffee or something,

and he'll come in and never ask.

Never calls to say, hey, do you
want-- do you want something?

And he'll walk in with it.

And I'm like, you know, I'd have
really liked the hot chocolate.

That would have been great.

And he's like, ugh.
I'm sorry.

Guilty.

What happened to those
Southern manners of yours?

Oh god.
He's so right.

I didn't even think
about it that way.

Oh, Alec.
You're not helping me here.

I'm not here to help you.

I'm here to watch her
stomp you into the ground.

What do you want her to change?

Maybe be a little more
patient with my inconsistencies.

Because I know I can be
inconsistent sometimes.

What do you guys got
planned for Saturday?

Oh, maybe we'll
go out to brunch.

No, no, no.

I don't care if you have to
walk in the freezing cold

to find her the creamiest,
most delicious hot chocolate

there in Canarsie.

I want you to bring
her a hot chocolate.

And I want you-- what do
you like for breakfast?

Pancakes, omelet?

I like an omelet with lots
of feta cheese and spinach.

Can you get your
hands on some eggs,

feta cheese, spinach, and a hot
chocolate near where you live?

Yes, I can.
That around?

Absolutely.
Don't let me down.

Yes, sir.
I will make that happen.

And then if he does
it, he really does it,

I want you to tell
him, thank you.

I appreciate you for doing that.

I will.

You take care, all right?

Stay out of trouble.

Make some friends.

Just take care of yourself.

Bye.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

Go, go, go.

Please.

Listen to me.

Go.

Go.

Go on.

Get out of here.

Go on.

You can't-- you can't
be with me anymore.

Just-- go.

Go on.

Go!

Go!

Just go.

Just go, go, go!

Just go!

Just go!

Go, go, go!

Just go!

Go!

Go!

Just go.

Go on!

Leave us!

Go!

Go!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, my son.

It's OK.

It's OK, honey.

Wow.

You are really bad at goodbyes.

Really bad.

Oh god.

OK.

Come on.

Excuse me.

OK.
Sorry.

Sorry.

Uh-oh.

Pete, looks like we got
a Cougars fan over here.

Sitting in the Tiger's
section, eh, pal?

Yeah.

Trying to watch my son's
first varsity game,

but that home team
cheering section is packed.

Hey, well, don't worry.

We don't bite.

Now, our kids may
be on opposing teams,

but at the end of the day, we're
all parents who love our kids.

I never thought
of it that way.

No way is that a foul!

Open your eyes, ref!

What game are you watching?

Wow.

You guys are serious
about basketball, huh?

What?

Oh, sorry about that.

Yeah, our sons are out there.

We get a little
caught up in the game.

I get that.

Watching your kid play
can be pretty emotional.

That's exactly right.

You know, we're here
to show these boys

that we support them.

Win or lose,
unconditional support,

now that's what really matters.

That's so true.

Come on, ref!

That's a terrible call!

Pull your head
out of your ...

Why don't you get new
glasses, you worthless ??

Oof.

You guys do not mince words.

Oh.

Sorry again.

You know we just get a little
excited for our sons' sakes.

You see, we love them, and we
want to express that to them.

Sure.

Dr. Phil, Oz, says that
clear emotional expression from

a father or a father-like figure
can make all the difference

in a boy's development.

That's definitely true.

I remember my father--

Seriously?

Are there six
Cougars on that court?

Because right now, I
think you play for them!

You're too old and
fat to be playing

high school basketball, ref!

Oh, I hope you choke
on that whistle, you

zebra-striped piece of !

- I think I'm going to go.
- What?

No.
Please stay.

Come on.

No, you guys are maybe a
little too passionate for me.

It's a passionate game, both
basketball and loving your son.

You see, we're raising
these boys not just to be men,

but to be thoughtful and
sensitive members of society.

You steaming pile
of dog !!

I'm gonna steal that
whistle around your neck that

you deem to be God
and shove it so far up

your that your
gonna sound

like a tea kettle for a month!

you!

You, me, knife
fight, right now!

Two men enter, one ref
dies a gruesome death!

Sorry.

I forgot what we
were talking about.

He didn't even say goodbye.

Well, that's a bad
example for his son.

My god.

That meeting was a
nightmare.

Was it three hours?

It felt like three hours.

Pete would not
shut the up.

Pete?

Yeah.

He was going on and on about
rebranding or some shit.

It's like, dude, shut up.

I don't remember that.

I just remember that it
was like a boring meeting.

No, it was Pete
because ...

No, Pete's a really nice guy.

No.

I know we say he's a nice
guy, but he's an ...

That's what we're all thinking.

No, we're not.

He brings us fudge from
vacation every year.

Yeah, but it's
not great fudge.

He's one of those people
who's so annoying that I want

something to happen to him.

Like what?

Like maybe he could die
or something, you know?

It'd be so great.

Well, we couldn't say it was
great, but it'd be great.

No.

It wouldn't be.

Are you joking around right now?

Oh yeah.

OK.

Good.

Ben.

Wanna help me kill Pete?

Hi.

I'm Glenn.

I'm a writer at "Above
Average," and I'm here

with Patty, our
head of HR, to ask

her a few questions as to what I
can and can't do in the office.

Patty, at this
point, I've asked you

if I can do a lot of
things in the office,

and you've said no to
approximately all of them.

So I brought my lawyer in today.

This is Peter.
- Hi.

Hi, Peter.

He's an expert in
what employees are

allowed to do in offices, so.

I didn't know you
studied employment law.

I went to--

I went to law school.

Patty, can I keep a
pee bucket under my desk?

No.

My lawyer.

Actually, according to the
314-2 public urination laws

in New York City, when at
work, Glenn is not in public,

therefore, she's
allowed to keep a pee

bucket underneath her desk.

Case closed.
- But it's in public.

There are people around.

Not according to laws.

So, Patty, I'm going
to give you a size

and you tell me when to stop.

What's the biggest doobie I'm
allowed to smoke in the office?

- There you go.
- None?

None.

Incorrect.

In 2014, New York
decriminalized marijuana.

Do you know what
decriminalize means?

The second part of
that is that you need

to have a medical condition.

I can't find anything in
there that says we can't do it.

So next question.

Can I tease the interns?

No.

We should treat
interns with respect.

But they're such .

That's, like, my number
one word that I can't stand.

intern?

The P word.

I think it's actually
a fireable offense.

?

Stop.

Yes.

I mean, but to be fair,
legally, they are ...

But the next time someone
has a birthday, can we get them

a cake shaped like boobs?

How about no?

Well, one may argue that
a rectangular birthday cake

actually does resemble a penis.

We don't have
rectangular cakes

either because we know about
the similarities to penises.

So you think that birthday
cakes look like penises?

- You're the one that said it.
- Patty.

Patty, that's disgusting.
- Boob cake?

- You know what--
- Am I going cra--

Am I taking crazy pills?

I feel like I'm back at
sophomore year at Yale here,

Yale Law College.

So, Patty, I can't fart in
the office, but can I queef?

I just don't remem--

Again, a queef is a fart--

I know-- OK.

- from a .
- Yeah.

Actually, according to
the Urban Dictionary,

it's an expulsion of
wind from the vulva.

So telling my client
that she isn't allowed

to fart vaginally
I would assume is

discrimination against women.

Listen, I don't know
when I became the police

on air coming out of your body.

You're not the police queef?

Correct.

You're not the
queef of police?

Can I bring a selfie
stick to work?

Sure.

A selfie stick is
what I call my vibrator.

OK.

I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.

For real.

Can I actually bring a
selfie stick to work?

Like, a literal selfie stick,
the one that you extend and you

put on your camera,
you can get it at Duane

Reade, where you literally--
Yes.

OK.
Great.

And then can I stick that
selfie stick up my ??

That was so good.