All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E14.Maybe.If.Its.for.a.Skit.or.Something.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Hello.

Oh my god.

It's Alec.
How are you?

Come in.
You're Courtney.

I am.

And he's Sean.

Sean and Alec.
- How you doing, sir?

How you doing?

Pleasure to meet you.

You probably didn't know
that I am an internationally

renowned relationship expert.

I love you.
You are awesome.

We're going to find
out if you love me.

I do.

And we're gonna ask you
the probing questions.

Now, you have been
together for eight years.

- Yes.
- Yes.

But you've been
married for one year.

Yes.

What the hell
took you so long?

Well, really, it was me.

Were you already married?

You didn't want to
get married to him

because you were married
to another guy before?

No.

He was married before, though.
- He was married before.

So you weren't cheating on some
other guy when you met him?

No, no, no.

I'm faithful.

- Where'd you meet?
- At work.

He used to wear--

well, he still
wears like this oil.

And then he had this
humongous smile--

look at this .

So you like the oil smell?

I did.
You dug it?

And I was like, ooh.

It did
something to you?

It was working on you?

It wasn't like you threw up
in your mouth and swallowed it?

No, you liked it.

Were you married at the time?
- No, no.

I was actually single.

And I was excited.

She stalked me.

She wrote me a nice love note.

And then he turned out
to be an arrogant jerk.

You mean arrogant jerk
in a good way, though--

No.

He turned me O-F-F.

Here's the thing.

I didn't think me and her
was compatible in ways.

I used to look at her
like, oh, I like her,

but she's not for me.

Till I really got to know her.

And I'm like, wow.

Aw, that's sweet.

I want to drive around
with you for another

five hours just to
learn what other words

you mangle with your accent.

Say "sandwich," Sean.

Say "sandwich."

San-widge.

- Sang-widge.
- Sam-bwidge.

Sometimes .

He was my lawyer back
in 1989, Sam Bwidge.

Why did he change,
do you think?

Where did you both change your
mind and you started to date

and cared about each other?

Well, you know,
I had a young son.

I sent him to live with his
father for a little while

and I was so sad.

- You were in New York?
- Yeah.

And the son went to where?

To Chicago, where I'm from.

And he was there for
me through everything.

Is Michael Jordan
the father of the baby?

Is Michael Jordan--
you say Chicago.

No.

You and Michael Jordan played
a little golf tournament

together and then, oh!
- I wish.

The 19th hole.
Oh!

What's one thing you would
like to change about yourself?

I'm a jealous kind of person.

- You are?
- And I really don't--

He's very good looking.

If I was a woman, you know what
my nickname for him would be?

Lollipop.

He is.

He's a lollipop.

Or on the right
night, a blow pop.

You got to get the
electric fence around

to keep those bitches away.

- You do.
- You better believe that.

You do?
- You do need a fence.

Don't make things worse.

You pipe down.

What a cocky son of a bitch.

No, but you really have
to allow yourself to let go

and to trust.

People in your relationships
are entitled to their privacy

as long as it doesn't--

As long as it doesn't
involve the inside

of another woman's vagina.

Right.

And what do you want to
change about yourself to make

your relationship better?

I wouldn't change a thing.

You don't need any
area of improvement?

You really are--
- Sean!

You really are a big fan of
yourself, aren't you, Sean?

He is!

And it's so
aggravating sometimes.

Like I said, I like
the way things are going.

I'm getting better with age.
And--

OK.

But I'm sure that
if you ask him what

he'd want to change about me.

Give me the isolation
booth, please.

What's the one thing you'd
like to improve about her?

Just so she can stop being so
snoopy, going through my phone

all the time.

So she snoops all the time?
Yeah.

- And that drives you crazy?
- Yeah.

It does.

I've always been
like that, though.

- You can't hear me in there.
- Oh, sorry.

What advice do you
have for younger couples?

Trust, respect, honesty.

Everything else just
falls into place.

Now, you say trust,
respect, and honesty.

Right.

So before we get
out of the car,

if I was to search
your phone right now,

I wouldn't find any
naked pictures--

No you won't.
No you won't.

No you won't.
I had to delete them.

Nah, just playing.

Oh yeah.

Sure is nice having
everyone over for a ham.

We should get together
for ham nights more often.

It's funny you should say that.

Congratulations.

You've just received
a gift subscription

to the Ham-A-Day Club.

OK?

Each ham will
always be delivered fresh--

right to your front door.

Awesome!

You'll receive
a 10-pound or larger ham

every day for an entire year.

Awesome!

Whoa.

Wait, what?

Your
first delivery will

include a ham calendar just to
let when you're getting ham.

Seems like a lot of ham.

I don't think we can
eat all this ham.

I never had ham growing up.

Let's do this.

I wish Ham-A-Day Club
could just go on forever.

I'm not going to lie.

It's a lot of ham.

WIFE
I wish Ham-A-Day

Club could just go on forever.

Hey, it's time to get up.

You're sleeping the day away.

I just miss the ham already.

Really felt like it brought
the family together.

So did I.

Congratulations.

You just received
a gift subscription

to the Ham-A-Day Club.

Christmas night.

Lonely night.

Nothing to do, for I am a Jew.

As Christians sing carols
all night and all day,

I snack on stale goat and
watch "Jingle all the Way."

This feeling of all
isolation will be a recurring

theme throughout my life.

Lonely night.

Soul-crushing night.

Not even allowed to
put up a few lights.

Mom found my ornaments
and threw them all way.

Dad found my Christmas
tree and threw it away.

Then they made me watch
"Schindler's List."

They made me watch
"Schindler's List."

Hi.

And welcome to "Cock
Tales" with Little Esther.

I'm Little Esther, and my
guest today is a tiny leopard.

Oops, it's Alice Wonderland.

Today's safe word is
"Chilean sea bass."

So if I say something that makes
you uncomfortable, you know.

Chilean sea bass.

Exactly.

If you could have sex with
one fictional character,

who would it be and why?

Jean-Luc Picard.

Who's that?

Come on.

Who's that?

Captain Jean-Luc Picard?

I'm the captain now?

No.

Captain of the
Starship Enterprise.

"Star Trek?"

Yeah.

Patrick Stewart in "Star Trek."

That's who you're picking
and you're mad at me

that I don't know?

It just came to me.

He's wearing me like deep V--

- Oh god--
- pajamas.

That's disgusting.

No.

He's insanely hot.

Moving right along.

Everybody at home is
like, no, I'm right.

This whole room is full
of people being like--

I would rather make out
with SpongeBob Squarepants.

He's hot.

He's blond and blue-eyed
with a flat stomach.

What advice would you
give to your teenage self?

Try to lose it before college.

Oh.

Did you?

Yeah.

I did.

So do what I did.

I didn't have good
sex until I was 31.

So I would say--

- Who's at fault?
- Well, you know.

Guys.

Of course.

When did you learn
about butt sex?

I feel like you were
just staring at my chest.

When did I learn
about butt sex?

Now it's time to
play Turn On, Turn Off.

Went to high school
with Dave Franco.

Ugh.
Turn off.

Yeah.

iPhone 4.

- Turn on.
- Turn on?

Yeah.
It just came out of me.

Yeah.
- It did.

Yeah.

It looks like he hasn't
upgraded in a long time.

I'm naughty.

Has never
seen "Titanic."

Turn on.

I'm like flooding
this room right now.

That is-- it's hot.

Is it the excitement that
you'll get to show it to him?

No.

I just think we
can live in a world

where that movie wasn't a thing.

Wow.

Yeah.

You should put that
on like a dating app.

This laugh, huh-huh huh-huh.

- I feel like you got turned on.
- I did.

- Huh-huh huh-huh.
- Stop.

That's turning me off.
- I think you like it.

Huh-huh huh--
- No.

huh.
Oh my god.

Chilean sea bass.

Manscaping?
- Turn off.

I agree.

I don't need you to
focus on yourself.

That's time spent on
you that could be on me.

If it's going
to be manscaped, I

don't want you to show
up with your own idea

of what it should look like.

You don't know what to do.

I'm the groundskeeper.

I've come up with
the names of a couple

of different sex moves.

OK.

And I would like you
to tell me what they are.

OK.

A Russian bow tie?

That's when you
give a guy a hickey

while you're riding him from--

on the top.

You're on top.

The Uber block?

That's when you are
giving someone a blowjob

and you get lipstick all over
it, but the lipstick's black.

Salmon flop.

That's when it's
two girls together

and they're dry humping, but
it's wet humping because you

don't have any clothes on.

Carnival cruise?

That is when you
someone on a carnival cruise.

OK.

Say you're at a romantic
dinner and there's

only one chicken nugget left.

What do you do?

Well, I lean into my
date and I say, hey.

Why the did you
take me to McDonald's?

Thank you so much
for being on my show.

Of course.

As a parting gift, I
would like to offer you

this camouflage stalker suit.

I used it a few months ago, but
I made him my boyfriend, so.

Yeah.

Do you want to-- it would
look so cute on you.

Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much for
watching "Cock Tales."

Alice?

Alice?

Alice?

Hi.

I'm Glenn.

I work at "Above Average,"
and I have some questions

for Patty, our head of HR,
as to what I can and can't

do here in the office.

As you know, Patty, I'm
a very bad employee.

But I'm not the worst person
who works at the office.

To make me look better, I
wanted to bring in Mike.

He's the bad boy of the office.

Welcome to the couch, Mike.

you.

Mike, I almost
didn't recognize you.

I'm always like this.

So, Patty, we have a
few questions for you.

Good.

Can I bring my dog into work?

Yes.

- Can I bring my bats into work?
- Your what?

- Bats.
- Bats.

Like, bats?

Like, flying bats.

- Scary bats.
- No.

Who wants-- no.

Why is it OK to bring
a dog in but not bats?

Those are my pets.

Can I flirt with
people in the office?

Yes.

Can I flirt with
people in the office?

Yeah, just like you can.

Oh, that's great.

Real quick, this is how I flirt

Is that OK?

That's sexual harassment.

I was turned on.

See?

Patty, can I
fart in the office?

We've gone over this
so many times, Glenn.

Fart all you want.

That's great.

Can I fart and light
the farts on fire?

No.

Can you just show her--

Yes.

Let me just show
you how I do it.

Oh my God.
No, no, no.

Don't aim it at us.

Show her.

You look like you want to
go to the bathroom so badly.

Damn it.
It's not working.

All right.

You get the idea.

I forgot my
asshole is like this.

It's like Fort Knox; nothing
comes in, nothing comes out.

Patty, can I use the copier
to photocopy my belly?

Maybe if it's for
a skit or something.

I think that's OK.

Is it OK if I photocopy money?

- Like, to use it as currency?
- Yes.

No.

What if it's for a skit?

You do this and
I don't know if--

These are quotes.

These are quotes, which
means it's not for a skit.

But you will go to jail.

- But that's not your problem.
- I mean--

Unless you narc.

How many personal days
do I get for being in jail?

We don't have
any paid jail time.

What is this place?

Stressing me out.

I can't do this.

I don't--

What is that?

It's a vape.

You can't smoke
in any building.

Can I do vape tricks?

Vape tricks have to be OK.

But you're not
supposed to be smoking--

that's not a trick.

I was making waves.

- You try to do that.
- Yeah.

It's hard.

Can I keep beer in the fridge?
Is that OK?

Yes.

Can I keep my bats
in the fridge?

Is that a kind of beer?

- It's bats.
- Yeah.

We've been over this.

Do you not know what bats are?

Not a lot of people want
to bring bats to work.

Can I keep a
dog in the fridge?

Only dead animals.

Can I keep dead
dog in the fridge?

Like, chickens.

Like, some people
have pork for lunch--

You would be OK with
us bringing in dog

meat for eating purposes?

Now, Mike and I are going to
show you some sex positions

and you're going to
tell us if we can

or can't do that in the office.

No.

You can't do any of them.
Guys, guys.

No, no, no.

I don't-- Oh my god.

But you have to imagine
that his penis is out

and that my boobs are out.

Like what's about that?

Is this OK?

Can we do that?

Just-- here.

And then Mike, grab my knees.
- OK.

No, no, no.
- Yeah.

Hold it.
Hold my arm like that.

That's good.

And then we have
sex like this.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

Ooh, baby.

Well, Patty, thanks for nothing.

But I hope that
this proves to you

that I am actually
your best employee

because at least I'm not Mike.

You're not the worst.

Yes!

Today's topic,
sneezing is better than sex.

It absolutely is.

First of all, sneezing is easy.

It's satisfying.

And you'll never regret it.

Oh, I have never regretted
a sneeze, and I cannot

say the same thing about sex.

None of us can, right?

George.

And when you sneeze,
it's impossible to keep

your eyes open.
- Right.

Look around while
you're having sex,

you actually notice
it's pretty gross.

Oh yeah.

There's a lot of sweat.

There's a lot of fluids,
a lot of friction.

It's kind of a nightmare
when you think about it, OK?

And another
bonus for sneezing,

you can do it on the subway.

Now, you see, technically
you can have sex on the subway,

but you're going to get in
a lot of trouble for it.

I have a lot of regrets.

And no matter where
or how you sneeze,

there is absolutely no
chance of pregnancy.

If someone's coming
up to you and saying,

hey, you got me pregnant by
sneezing on me, they're a liar.

Also, no one's ever going
to release that sneeze tape.

No.
No.

If you're going to take a
video of yourself sneezing,

guess what?

No one's going to watch it.

Mom.

Doesn't matter
how hot you are, OK?

You make a sneeze tape, that is
for your own private enjoyment.

Yeah.
The kings of PowerPoint.

We do not judge.

No judgments here whatsoever.

Uh-uh.

Now, sneezing is also
great because it allows

you to say the word Gesundheit.

Haha.
Gesundheit.

Oh!

Gesundheit.

It's just a fun word to say.

It is.

Well, when you know you
can't say it, though, right?

When is that?

Right after you cum.

No matter how
funny it may seem,

do not say the word Gesundheit
seconds after you cum.

Like I said, I have
a lot of regrets,

but that is top of my list.

Just don't do it.

And last but not least,
there is no such thing

as nose chlamydia.
- Ooh.

Right?

So you can have as much
risky sneeze as you'd like.

Yeah.

There's no such thing as an
STD, sneeze transmitted disease.

Think about it.

No one's ever caught a
disease from a sneeze.

That's definitive proof that
sneezing is better than sex.

We proved it.

We're the kings of PowerPoint.

Yeah.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Microsoft.

Oh.

You sweet little son of a gun.

Portrait
Stu, Stu, Studio.

OK.

Let's get you settled, huh?
- OK.

Here we are.

You look good.
Give me the hat.

OK.
You gonna fix it up?

I'll--

Makes you look like a magician.

So, Kyle, we have you
down for prom photos, right?

Great.

Is your-- do you have a date?

Is she--

Op, here she is.

Here she is.

Hello.

Hi.

It's a revolving door.

You got to push.

OK.

You know, I'll come
down and grab you.

All right.

OK.

Oh.

Just for the clients.

a
bunch of flyaways.

- OK.
- So.

What?

What is it?

What are you doing?

- I know what you're thinking.
- No.

You couldn't possibly.

What is that?

It's a she and
her name is Gladys.

You gave her an
old lady's name?

It's my meemaw's name.

That's creepier.

My dad didn't think
I could get a date,

but I think we're
proving him wrong.

I don't know.

I don't know if you are, Kyle.

That's not a date.

Isn't it?

Isn't it, though?

No.

It's not.

If it wasn't a real date,
could it do date stuff, like--

I know.

What?

Could it do--

I don't know-- could it do
something like, what is it?

Tell me?
What?

Oh, it's a kiss.

It's just a little kiss.

It wasn't a secret.

Kyle, I don't--
are you serious?

What are we doing here?

Look.

I couldn't get a real
date for prom, OK?

I asked five girls.

Two said no, two laughed
in my face, one threw up.

And can you blame them?

And when I went
home and told my dad

no one wanted to go
with me, what did he do?

He laughed in my face.

Laughed in my face.

But am I going to give up?

No.

I may not have a
real date for prom,

but I'll always
have this picture.

I'm going to show it to
my dad and prove to him

that I can get a hot prom date.

I want to be proud
of this picture,

even if the night itself
is nothing to be proud of.

All right, Kyle.

All right.

Let's make this work, OK.

Yeah.

Let's get Gladys in this thing.

Let's get you posed
up, you old gal.

Yeah, let's get her--

there.

She works the night shift
at a hot air balloon factory.

Oh my goodness.

That's not a real thing.

She's tired.

But she's
not real, so we're fine.

Yep.

That's as good as
that's going to-- yep.

All right.

So let's just do a
variety of poses here, OK?

Let's just go classic, maybe?
Yeah.

Absolutely.

Oh, good.

Let's face her a little bit
further away from camera.

OK.
Yeah.

Perfect.

Can we do a fun one?

We do hey,
Macaren, Macaren, Macarena.

It's even worse to
see a doll do that.

Really is.

I mean, we're just grinding.

Maybe you are.

But you know what?

Maybe you're definitely not.

The action's not as
disturbing as the face

he was making when he did it.
- Yeah.

Right.

I don't think this
is going to work.

Well, it's partly
because she's a doll.

Well, it's mostly
because she's a doll.

Hey, guys.

Can we do a couple
with the corsages?

- Sure.
- Sure.

Yeah, we can do that.

I think if that wasn't a
doll, it wouldn't be an issue.

Nah.

I think if that was a
woman, this would be fine.

What are you-- no.

Hey, Kyle.
Come on, buddy.

Whoa.

Wow, wow, wow.

- What's happening?
- She's deflating.

Why?
What's happening?

Because you just
stabbed her in the chest.

No.

You're supposed to
put it on there.

- That goes on the boy.
- No.

This is mine.

No.

That does not go on your wrist.

It fits me!

That would help if you
did it on the nozzle and not

on fake lips.

Glad, we had plans.

.

Oh.

We had so many plans.

She's gone.

She had a great fake life.

She was never real.

Brad?

I have an idea.

Portrait
Stu, Stu, Studio.