Original subtitles

Hello.

Oh my god.

It's Alec. How are you?

Come in. You're Courtney.

I am.

And he's Sean.

Sean and Alec. - How you doing, sir?

How you doing?

Pleasure to meet you.

You probably didn't know that I am an internationally

renowned relationship expert.

I love you. You are awesome.

We're going to find out if you love me.

I do.

And we're gonna ask you the probing questions.

Now, you have been together for eight years.

- Yes. - Yes.

But you've been married for one year.

Yes.

What the hell took you so long?

Well, really, it was me.

Were you already married?

You didn't want to get married to him

because you were married to another guy before?

No.

He was married before, though. - He was married before.

So you weren't cheating on some other guy when you met him?

No, no, no.

I'm faithful.

- Where'd you meet? - At work.

He used to wear--

well, he still wears like this oil.

And then he had this humongous smile--

look at this .

So you like the oil smell?

I did. You dug it?

And I was like, ooh.

It did something to you?

It was working on you?

It wasn't like you threw up in your mouth and swallowed it?

No, you liked it.

Were you married at the time? - No, no.

I was actually single.

And I was excited.

She stalked me.

She wrote me a nice love note.

And then he turned out to be an arrogant jerk.

You mean arrogant jerk in a good way, though--

No.

He turned me O-F-F.

Here's the thing.

I didn't think me and her was compatible in ways.

I used to look at her like, oh, I like her,

but she's not for me.

Till I really got to know her.

And I'm like, wow.

Aw, that's sweet.

I want to drive around with you for another

five hours just to learn what other words

you mangle with your accent.

Say "sandwich," Sean.

Say "sandwich."

San-widge.

- Sang-widge. - Sam-bwidge.

Sometimes .

He was my lawyer back in 1989, Sam Bwidge.

Why did he change, do you think?

Where did you both change your mind and you started to date

and cared about each other?

Well, you know, I had a young son.

I sent him to live with his father for a little while

and I was so sad.

- You were in New York? - Yeah.

And the son went to where?

To Chicago, where I'm from.

And he was there for me through everything.

Is Michael Jordan the father of the baby?

Is Michael Jordan-- you say Chicago.

No.

You and Michael Jordan played a little golf tournament

together and then, oh! - I wish.

The 19th hole. Oh!

What's one thing you would like to change about yourself?

I'm a jealous kind of person.

- You are? - And I really don't--

He's very good looking.

If I was a woman, you know what my nickname for him would be?

Lollipop.

He is.

He's a lollipop.

Or on the right night, a blow pop.

You got to get the electric fence around

to keep those bitches away.

- You do. - You better believe that.

You do? - You do need a fence.

Don't make things worse.

You pipe down.

What a cocky son of a bitch.

No, but you really have to allow yourself to let go

and to trust.

People in your relationships are entitled to their privacy

as long as it doesn't--

As long as it doesn't involve the inside

of another woman's vagina.

Right.

And what do you want to change about yourself to make

your relationship better?

I wouldn't change a thing.

You don't need any area of improvement?

You really are-- - Sean!

You really are a big fan of yourself, aren't you, Sean?

He is!

And it's so aggravating sometimes.

Like I said, I like the way things are going.

I'm getting better with age. And--

OK.

But I'm sure that if you ask him what

he'd want to change about me.

Give me the isolation booth, please.

What's the one thing you'd like to improve about her?

Just so she can stop being so snoopy, going through my phone

all the time.

So she snoops all the time? Yeah.

- And that drives you crazy? - Yeah.

It does.

I've always been like that, though.

- You can't hear me in there. - Oh, sorry.

What advice do you have for younger couples?

Trust, respect, honesty.

Everything else just falls into place.

Now, you say trust, respect, and honesty.

Right.

So before we get out of the car,

if I was to search your phone right now,

I wouldn't find any naked pictures--

No you won't. No you won't.

No you won't. I had to delete them.

Nah, just playing.

Oh yeah.

Sure is nice having everyone over for a ham.

We should get together for ham nights more often.

It's funny you should say that.

Congratulations.

You've just received a gift subscription

to the Ham-A-Day Club.

OK?

Each ham will always be delivered fresh--

right to your front door.

Awesome!

You'll receive a 10-pound or larger ham

every day for an entire year.

Awesome!

Whoa.

Wait, what?

Your first delivery will

include a ham calendar just to let when you're getting ham.

Seems like a lot of ham.

I don't think we can eat all this ham.

I never had ham growing up.

Let's do this.

I wish Ham-A-Day Club could just go on forever.

I'm not going to lie.

It's a lot of ham.

WIFE I wish Ham-A-Day

Club could just go on forever.

Hey, it's time to get up.

You're sleeping the day away.

I just miss the ham already.

Really felt like it brought the family together.

So did I.

Congratulations.

You just received a gift subscription

to the Ham-A-Day Club.

Christmas night.

Lonely night.

Nothing to do, for I am a Jew.

As Christians sing carols all night and all day,

I snack on stale goat and watch "Jingle all the Way."

This feeling of all isolation will be a recurring

theme throughout my life.

Lonely night.

Soul-crushing night.

Not even allowed to put up a few lights.

Mom found my ornaments and threw them all way.

Dad found my Christmas tree and threw it away.

Then they made me watch "Schindler's List."

They made me watch "Schindler's List."

Hi.

And welcome to "Cock Tales" with Little Esther.

I'm Little Esther, and my guest today is a tiny leopard.

Oops, it's Alice Wonderland.

Today's safe word is "Chilean sea bass."

So if I say something that makes you uncomfortable, you know.

Chilean sea bass.

Exactly.

If you could have sex with one fictional character,

who would it be and why?

Jean-Luc Picard.

Who's that?

Come on.

Who's that?

Captain Jean-Luc Picard?

I'm the captain now?

No.

Captain of the Starship Enterprise.

"Star Trek?"

Yeah.

Patrick Stewart in "Star Trek."

That's who you're picking and you're mad at me

that I don't know?

It just came to me.

He's wearing me like deep V--

- Oh god-- - pajamas.

That's disgusting.

No.

He's insanely hot.

Moving right along.

Everybody at home is like, no, I'm right.

This whole room is full of people being like--

I would rather make out with SpongeBob Squarepants.

He's hot.

He's blond and blue-eyed with a flat stomach.

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Try to lose it before college.

Oh.

Did you?

Yeah.

I did.

So do what I did.

I didn't have good sex until I was 31.

So I would say--

- Who's at fault? - Well, you know.

Guys.

Of course.

When did you learn about butt sex?

I feel like you were just staring at my chest.

When did I learn about butt sex?

Now it's time to play Turn On, Turn Off.

Went to high school with Dave Franco.

Ugh. Turn off.

Yeah.

iPhone 4.

- Turn on. - Turn on?

Yeah. It just came out of me.

Yeah. - It did.

Yeah.

It looks like he hasn't upgraded in a long time.

I'm naughty.

Has never seen "Titanic."

Turn on.

I'm like flooding this room right now.

That is-- it's hot.

Is it the excitement that you'll get to show it to him?

No.

I just think we can live in a world

where that movie wasn't a thing.

Wow.

Yeah.

You should put that on like a dating app.

This laugh, huh-huh huh-huh.

- I feel like you got turned on. - I did.

- Huh-huh huh-huh. - Stop.

That's turning me off. - I think you like it.

Huh-huh huh-- - No.

huh. Oh my god.

Chilean sea bass.

Manscaping? - Turn off.

I agree.

I don't need you to focus on yourself.

That's time spent on you that could be on me.

If it's going to be manscaped, I

don't want you to show up with your own idea

of what it should look like.

You don't know what to do.

I'm the groundskeeper.

I've come up with the names of a couple

of different sex moves.

OK.

And I would like you to tell me what they are.

OK.

A Russian bow tie?

That's when you give a guy a hickey

while you're riding him from--

on the top.

You're on top.

The Uber block?

That's when you are giving someone a blowjob

and you get lipstick all over it, but the lipstick's black.

Salmon flop.

That's when it's two girls together

and they're dry humping, but it's wet humping because you

don't have any clothes on.

Carnival cruise?

That is when you someone on a carnival cruise.

OK.

Say you're at a romantic dinner and there's

only one chicken nugget left.

What do you do?

Well, I lean into my date and I say, hey.

Why the did you take me to McDonald's?

Thank you so much for being on my show.

Of course.

As a parting gift, I would like to offer you

this camouflage stalker suit.

I used it a few months ago, but I made him my boyfriend, so.

Yeah.

Do you want to-- it would look so cute on you.

Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much for watching "Cock Tales."

Alice?

Alice?

Alice?

Hi.

I'm Glenn.

I work at "Above Average," and I have some questions

for Patty, our head of HR, as to what I can and can't

do here in the office.

As you know, Patty, I'm a very bad employee.

But I'm not the worst person who works at the office.

To make me look better, I wanted to bring in Mike.

He's the bad boy of the office.

Welcome to the couch, Mike.

you.

Mike, I almost didn't recognize you.

I'm always like this.

So, Patty, we have a few questions for you.

Good.

Can I bring my dog into work?

Yes.

- Can I bring my bats into work? - Your what?

- Bats. - Bats.

Like, bats?

Like, flying bats.

- Scary bats. - No.

Who wants-- no.

Why is it OK to bring a dog in but not bats?

Those are my pets.

Can I flirt with people in the office?

Yes.

Can I flirt with people in the office?

Yeah, just like you can.

Oh, that's great.

Real quick, this is how I flirt

Is that OK?

That's sexual harassment.

I was turned on.

See?

Patty, can I fart in the office?

We've gone over this so many times, Glenn.

Fart all you want.

That's great.

Can I fart and light the farts on fire?

No.

Can you just show her--

Yes.

Let me just show you how I do it.

Oh my God. No, no, no.

Don't aim it at us.

Show her.

You look like you want to go to the bathroom so badly.

Damn it. It's not working.

All right.

You get the idea.

I forgot my asshole is like this.

It's like Fort Knox; nothing comes in, nothing comes out.

Patty, can I use the copier to photocopy my belly?

Maybe if it's for a skit or something.

I think that's OK.

Is it OK if I photocopy money?

- Like, to use it as currency? - Yes.

No.

What if it's for a skit?

You do this and I don't know if--

These are quotes.

These are quotes, which means it's not for a skit.

But you will go to jail.

- But that's not your problem. - I mean--

Unless you narc.

How many personal days do I get for being in jail?

We don't have any paid jail time.

What is this place?

Stressing me out.

I can't do this.

I don't--

What is that?

It's a vape.

You can't smoke in any building.

Can I do vape tricks?

Vape tricks have to be OK.

But you're not supposed to be smoking--

that's not a trick.

I was making waves.

- You try to do that. - Yeah.

It's hard.

Can I keep beer in the fridge? Is that OK?

Yes.

Can I keep my bats in the fridge?

Is that a kind of beer?

- It's bats. - Yeah.

We've been over this.

Do you not know what bats are?

Not a lot of people want to bring bats to work.

Can I keep a dog in the fridge?

Only dead animals.

Can I keep dead dog in the fridge?

Like, chickens.

Like, some people have pork for lunch--

You would be OK with us bringing in dog

meat for eating purposes?

Now, Mike and I are going to show you some sex positions

and you're going to tell us if we can

or can't do that in the office.

No.

You can't do any of them. Guys, guys.

No, no, no.

I don't-- Oh my god.

But you have to imagine that his penis is out

and that my boobs are out.

Like what's about that?

Is this OK?

Can we do that?

Just-- here.

And then Mike, grab my knees. - OK.

No, no, no. - Yeah.

Hold it. Hold my arm like that.

That's good.

And then we have sex like this.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

Ooh, baby.

Well, Patty, thanks for nothing.

But I hope that this proves to you

that I am actually your best employee

because at least I'm not Mike.

You're not the worst.

Yes!

Today's topic, sneezing is better than sex.

It absolutely is.

First of all, sneezing is easy.

It's satisfying.

And you'll never regret it.

Oh, I have never regretted a sneeze, and I cannot

say the same thing about sex.

None of us can, right?

George.

And when you sneeze, it's impossible to keep

your eyes open. - Right.

Look around while you're having sex,

you actually notice it's pretty gross.

Oh yeah.

There's a lot of sweat.

There's a lot of fluids, a lot of friction.

It's kind of a nightmare when you think about it, OK?

And another bonus for sneezing,

you can do it on the subway.

Now, you see, technically you can have sex on the subway,

but you're going to get in a lot of trouble for it.

I have a lot of regrets.

And no matter where or how you sneeze,

there is absolutely no chance of pregnancy.

If someone's coming up to you and saying,

hey, you got me pregnant by sneezing on me, they're a liar.

Also, no one's ever going to release that sneeze tape.

No. No.

If you're going to take a video of yourself sneezing,

guess what?

No one's going to watch it.

Mom.

Doesn't matter how hot you are, OK?

You make a sneeze tape, that is for your own private enjoyment.

Yeah. The kings of PowerPoint.

We do not judge.

No judgments here whatsoever.

Uh-uh.

Now, sneezing is also great because it allows

you to say the word Gesundheit.

Haha. Gesundheit.

Oh!

Gesundheit.

It's just a fun word to say.

It is.

Well, when you know you can't say it, though, right?

When is that?

Right after you cum.

No matter how funny it may seem,

do not say the word Gesundheit seconds after you cum.

Like I said, I have a lot of regrets,

but that is top of my list.

Just don't do it.

And last but not least, there is no such thing

as nose chlamydia. - Ooh.

Right?

So you can have as much risky sneeze as you'd like.

Yeah.

There's no such thing as an STD, sneeze transmitted disease.

Think about it.

No one's ever caught a disease from a sneeze.

That's definitive proof that sneezing is better than sex.

We proved it.

We're the kings of PowerPoint.

Yeah.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Microsoft.

Oh.

You sweet little son of a gun.

Portrait Stu, Stu, Studio.

OK.

Let's get you settled, huh? - OK.

Here we are.

You look good. Give me the hat.

OK. You gonna fix it up?

I'll--

Makes you look like a magician.

So, Kyle, we have you down for prom photos, right?

Great.

Is your-- do you have a date?

Is she--

Op, here she is.

Here she is.

Hello.

Hi.

It's a revolving door.

You got to push.

OK.

You know, I'll come down and grab you.

All right.

OK.

Oh.

Just for the clients.

a bunch of flyaways.

- OK. - So.

What?

What is it?

What are you doing?

- I know what you're thinking. - No.

You couldn't possibly.

What is that?

It's a she and her name is Gladys.

You gave her an old lady's name?

It's my meemaw's name.

That's creepier.

My dad didn't think I could get a date,

but I think we're proving him wrong.

I don't know.

I don't know if you are, Kyle.

That's not a date.

Isn't it?

Isn't it, though?

No.

It's not.

If it wasn't a real date, could it do date stuff, like--

I know.

What?

Could it do--

I don't know-- could it do something like, what is it?

Tell me? What?

Oh, it's a kiss.

It's just a little kiss.

It wasn't a secret.

Kyle, I don't-- are you serious?

What are we doing here?

Look.

I couldn't get a real date for prom, OK?

I asked five girls.

Two said no, two laughed in my face, one threw up.

And can you blame them?

And when I went home and told my dad

no one wanted to go with me, what did he do?

He laughed in my face.

Laughed in my face.

But am I going to give up?

No.

I may not have a real date for prom,

but I'll always have this picture.

I'm going to show it to my dad and prove to him

that I can get a hot prom date.

I want to be proud of this picture,

even if the night itself is nothing to be proud of.

All right, Kyle.

All right.

Let's make this work, OK.

Yeah.

Let's get Gladys in this thing.

Let's get you posed up, you old gal.

Yeah, let's get her--

there.

She works the night shift at a hot air balloon factory.

Oh my goodness.

That's not a real thing.

She's tired.

But she's not real, so we're fine.

Yep.

That's as good as that's going to-- yep.

All right.

So let's just do a variety of poses here, OK?

Let's just go classic, maybe? Yeah.

Absolutely.

Oh, good.

Let's face her a little bit further away from camera.

OK. Yeah.

Perfect.

Can we do a fun one?

We do hey, Macaren, Macaren, Macarena.

It's even worse to see a doll do that.

Really is.

I mean, we're just grinding.

Maybe you are.

But you know what?

Maybe you're definitely not.

The action's not as disturbing as the face

he was making when he did it. - Yeah.

Right.

I don't think this is going to work.

Well, it's partly because she's a doll.

Well, it's mostly because she's a doll.

Hey, guys.

Can we do a couple with the corsages?

- Sure. - Sure.

Yeah, we can do that.

I think if that wasn't a doll, it wouldn't be an issue.

Nah.

I think if that was a woman, this would be fine.

What are you-- no.

Hey, Kyle. Come on, buddy.

Whoa.

Wow, wow, wow.

- What's happening? - She's deflating.

Why? What's happening?

Because you just stabbed her in the chest.

No.

You're supposed to put it on there.

- That goes on the boy. - No.

This is mine.

No.

That does not go on your wrist.

It fits me!

That would help if you did it on the nozzle and not

on fake lips.

Glad, we had plans.

.

Oh.

We had so many plans.

She's gone.

She had a great fake life.

She was never real.

Brad?

I have an idea.

Portrait Stu, Stu, Studio.