Original subtitles

Hi.

Welcome to "Cocktales."

I'm Little Esther.

And my guest today is Jess Low.

Hi.

Clinks.

If any question today makes you uncomfortable

and you don't want to answer it, you

are free to use today's safe word, which is Albuquerque.

It's my hometown.

Have you ever dreamed about having sex with your parents?

What?

Albuquerque.

Albuquerque.

What were some of your most embarrassing

adolescent misconceptions about sex?

That a guy could pee in you.

Oh, you thought a guy could pee in you.

Yeah.

I thought, like, once he's pumping away, like, he could

just lose control his hose.

Did that scare you?

Yeah.

I was worried I was gonna get peed in.

That's not fun. - I know.

Peed on is fun, though.

No?

What pop song best describes your first sexual experience?

This kiss, it was so-- it was so gentle.

It was like, the most gentle thing ever.

And the whole time I was like, are you OK?

If there's a song called "Are You OK,"

then that would describe my first time.

If you could have sex anywhere and not get caught,

where would you do it?

The Lincoln Memorial, on his lap.

Do you want to do something really sexy?

Like what?

Jell-O thumb wrestling.

If you could redesign the penis, what would you change?

Oh.

No balls.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah.

It's-- it's just, like, a Pinocchio's nose.

Yeah.

The balls don't serve us any purpose.

What do they do?

I guess they give us babies, which could lead to money.

But--

Oh, yeah, that's true.

But, like, I feel like the penis is the Superman

and then the balls are just like--

- That is like a poem. - Thank you.

That is so beautiful.

What advice would you give your younger self?

You're a prize to be won.

Ooh.

And, like, there's a plethora of penises, and you are a gift.

You need to respect yourself.

What's the weirdest thing anyone

has ever said to you during sex?

Make more noise.

Oh, I get that all the time.

I just lay there. I'm quiet.

Who cares?

Also, like, my roommate was across the hall.

I think it's really noble that you

put your roommate before the person who's inside of you.

Yeah.

If you were an escort, what would your name be

and what would be your signature service?

Ooh, buddy--

Natania Clinch.

Clinch is like--

I think clinch is my secret move.

I think so, too.

You're like-- you just take all the shit out of it.

Oh, my.

My mom's never going to see this.

I think my escort name would be Nancy Grace.

Was there a teacher you had a crush on in high school

or middle school?

Oh, my god, Mr. Thompson.

He's here today.

No!

I'm just kidding.

We don't have that kind of budget for this show.

Now it's time to play Bowl of Sexts.

This is where we each pick a sext from the bowl,

and then we flip a coin.

And whoever loses the coin toss has

to sext someone in their phone.

All right, let's do it.

What's yours say?

This is good.

This is good.

I'm gonna fucking use this.

I had a dream about you last night, a sexy one.

Mine says, I just thought about you

and I got all tingly inside.

Heads or tails?

Tails.

Oh, it's gone.

I guess we don't have to do it.

It was heads!

It was tails!

No, it was tails!

Doesn't heads mean I lose?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god.

OK, you lose.

Yes.

Who should I send it to?

I'll help you pick.

Armenian Brian.

I had a dream about you last night, a sexy one.

OK.

Oh, man.

He's gonna be like, what?

Bam.

Oh, my god.

Wait.

And who is Armenian Brian?

Albuquerque.

Grammy Rose.

Hi.

There you are.

Queefs, ejaculants, dingleberries, a little pee--

you're going to see all of it at some point.

Our bodies are fucking weird.

Embrace it.

And whatever you do, try and keep your cooters clean.

Thank you so much for being a guest on my show.

As a parting gift I would like to offer

you this condom balloon.

It's used.

Oh, thank you.

Yep.

Yes, it is.

You guys mind if I sit here?

Another three-pointer for Tate Robbins.

God, I hate him so much.

Everybody thinks Tate is so awesome,

but he's the biggest fart hole of the school.

Bully?

Yeah.

I know it seems rough right now.

OK?

But after high school it gets so much better.

Oh.

Were you bullied in high school?

Yeah.

Logan Carter.

That guy used to make my life a living hell.

He'd throw whole packs of baloney at my butt cheeks

while leading the chant, "Baloney butt weirdo!"

I mean, doesn't that make him the weirdo for doing that?

Point is, I got through it.

And where is he?

Probably begging four quarters or face down in some ditch.

Wait, Mr. Carter?

Oh, you know him?

Logan Carter, he's a really rich guy.

He owns two helicopters, a giraffe,

and even has a minotaur butler.

Minotaurs don't exist.

When you're as wealthy as Mr. Carter, they exist.

Science is a rich man's playground.

OK, so he's rich.

But is he happy? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Look. - Oh, my god.

That's him.

And is that--

1999 Playmate of the Year, Heather Kozar.

Yeah, that's his wife.

OK.

So he's rich and he has a Playmate wife.

She's also prestigious member of the National

Academy of Sciences.

She designed the green energy system that's powering

the lights in this gym.

The lights in here are pretty great.

Damn it.

Hey, why aren't you guys sitting with the band anyway?

- We're outcasts. - Yeah.

We were voted out.

The only explanation they gave us was, nope.

Well, I was also voted out of my high school band.

And I can tell you with confidence

that it does not define you.

Oh, cool.

So I guess you have a lot of friends now?

Well, sure.

What are your friends like?

I sit next to a guy named Rick at church.

Oh, that's not a friend.

Yeah, you're right.

Rick thinks I'm going to hell.

At least you have work friends.

Right?

I own my own business, so--

Doing what?

I sell dream catchers on my eBay shop.

Oh, come on.

Wow.

It did not get better for you.

Yes, it did.

I grew up, got married, and I have a great kid.

Well, where's your wife?

She left me.

Oh.

You at least get to see your kid.

Right?

Well, she has custody, so I mostly see him at these games.

Oh, if this sad old depressing guy is telling us

it gets better, then we're screwed.

Oh, come on.

I am not those things.

Would the owner of the brown Ford Taurus

with the bumper sticker "I'd rather be at Margaritaville"

please come out to the parking lot?

Your car is being towed.

That's your car, isn't it?

Yeah.

I should probably go.

All my dream catchers are in the trunk.

Baloney butt weirdo!

Nice throw, 1999 Playmate of the Year Heather Kozar.

Oh, you boys are too sweet!

We now take you back to the Congressional Hearing

on the television show "The Big Bang Theory."

Mr. Tillis, it says here that you are the number one

fan of "The Big Bang Theory."

Yes, ma'am, since it premiered on September 24, 2007.

It's the single greatest comedy program

the world has ever seen.

Well, you're not alone in feeling this way Mr. Tills.

In fact, last season the program had as many as 20

million viewers per episode.

So tell me, how is it that I don't know a single person that

watches this show.

This show is for smart people.

Maybe it's just over your head.

I know smart people, Mr. Tills,

and I consider myself quite smart.

Help me understand what it is you like about the show.

I like that they understand real nerds

and make references to a lot of things nerds know and love.

See, I consider myself a nerd, and I

didn't laugh at a single reference in all of season one.

If you're a nerd, Stephen Hawking is a stormtrooper.

What? Where's that coming from?

What is that?

Bazinga.

I'm glad you brought up bazooka, Mr. Tillis.

- Bazinga. - Bermuda?

Bazinga.

Patinkin?

Ba-zing-ga.

- Irregardless-- - Regardless.

What?

There it is, again.

The point is, didn't catchphrases die out with Urkel

and Uncle Jesse in the '90s?

Have mercy.

OK.

33 Emmy nominations and seven wins--

over a million dollars per episode for all of their stars.

Yet, if you offered me $1 million right now,

I couldn't name a single person that

watches and enjoys this show.

Does the name Burt Tills ring a bell?

No.

Oh, it's his?

Where the heck is that laughter coming from?

From Terry.

He's providing the laughter at today's hearing.

Are we almost done here?

I'm getting hungry.

Ooh.

Oh, wrong button.

Terry.

What the hell?

Terry, don't hit the button anymore.

You're hitting it more.

You're making eye contact.

I know you're listening to me.

If you hit that button one more time, I'm just

going to have to .

Stop .

We'll be back in a few minutes

with this continuing investigation.

And join us tomorrow for the Congressional Hearing

on parents who use speakerphone when they talk to their kids.

Please welcome to the stage right now Sean Patton,

everybody!

Isn't it funny when people ask you, like, how much-- how

expensive is New York, really.

I tell this tale, because it's true.

Earlier this year I helped my friend move into apartment

here in Brooklyn-- one bedroom apartment,

that he pays $3,000 a month.

And the laughter you just heard

is that whoever lives here.

They're like, that's it?

But, seriously, three grand a month

is what he pays for a standard one bedroom,

nothing special about it.

And I helped him move in, in January.

And then we were hanging out on the stoops

afterwards drinking kombucha and pretending to like it.

You know, standard Brooklynite activity.

It's like, ah, this is delicious.

What is that, bacteria? Mm.

It's so good.

It's so-- mm-mm-m.

I can feel it wiggling down my windpipe.

It's so good.

This tastes like a bottle of vinegar

went out, got hammered on PBR, and then

pissed into this bottle.

And it's so delicious and good for you.

Why would I want Gatorade, with all that sugar?

No, this is-- mm, bacteria.

We're doing that, and this old timey New Yorker--

and I love those guys-- like, dirty work

pants, dirty boots, though he'd probably

been retired for 30 years.

He's got a hat on.

It's so old, I can't tell if it's Yankees or Mets.

It's just NY.

He's just an old guy, and he's got something in a bottle,

in a bag, probably booze.

Old school.

And he stops right in front of the apartment,

and he's just kind of staring at it for a second.

And then he says, I used to live here back in the '70s, right

here.

And then my friend goes, I just moved in, sir.

And then the guy looks at us.

Like, he didn't even realize we were there.

He's like, oh, you?

What are you, a couple of trapeze artists?

A side note-- I don't know if that's a derogatory term

or not.

Trapeze artists are pretty buff.

You know, they're pretty jacked.

But we're just sitting there.

And then he says, yeah, I used to live in apartment 3RR.

That's the apartment I just helped my friend move into.

And he says, he's like, that's what I--

I just moved in 3RR.

That's right.

Some apartments in Brooklyn have two R's,

like they wrote fantasy novels.

So--

You like that one? That was a good one.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Then this old dude, he goes, yep, I paid $270 a month.

And I'm looking at my friend like, don't say it.

Don't say it.

But he's one of those friends who's proud of what he pays.

He goes, well sir, I pay three grand a month.

And this old guy's reaction was worth every cent.

Because right there he just-- what?

You dumb shit.

This guys pays three grand a month!

This guy pays three grand-- and there's no one on the street.

He's just shouting it to the trees and the fire hydrants.

Three grand!

What the ?

It's still a one bedroom?

It is?

What the hell they put in that bedroom, huh?

Who do you live with, the Jets and the Sharks?

You live with the Jets and the Sharks?

You get it you get a private Broadway production every night

for three grand a month?

Huh?

What the hell's in that bedroom, a sauna, huh?

a rub and tug studio?

Huh?

You get a private chef?

What do you got in there, a cobbler

just fixing your shoes every day for three grand a month?

What the hell you got in there, huh, a university?

Huh?

You get a college degree when you move in?

Three grand a month-- what the hell you got it now for three

grand, another apartment?

Huh?

You got a tinier apartment inside that one bedroom

apartment that you get to rent out when you pay

three grand for a one bedroom?

What the hell is in that tiny apartment, huh?

What do you got in there, Portugal?

The whole damn country in Portugal

lived in that apartment for three grand?

Huh?

What the hell's in there, gluten?

What do you got in there, gluten?

Is that where gluten goes when you're free it?

It goes to a one bedroom inside a one bedroom?

What the hell you got in there, science?

Huh?

What the hell's in there, a time machine?

You got a time machine in there?

You got a time machine in there, huh?

Hey, if I pay to move in there, can I take that time machine

back to Coney Island in 1983 so as I could tell Paulie

I loved him like I should have done then

but couldn't because we was both Union?

Is that What's in there, a chance at true love?

You want first and last up front, though?

No, that.

That is a strange place to leave you, I know.

But, like life itself, it's just unexpected.

Thank you all.

Good night.

I am Keith.

CONNOR And I'm Connor.

And this is the commentary

track for a bar fight.

What the hell, bro?

Hey.

Why don't you lay off, chump?

Oh gosh I did not want to fight.

I know.

That was all liquid courage right there.

I've never even been in a fight in my whole life.

You want to dance, white boy?

You mess with me, you're messing with all my friends,

bro. Oh, gosh.

I'm disappointed with myself.

I really just wanted to act tough without having

to prove it, you know?

I mean, look at you.

You're made a pure gristle and egg whites.

Oh, well, that's kind of you to say.

I work out really hard.

KEITH Well, it shows.

It really shows.

Hold me back, dude.

Hold me back.

Pro tip--

always ask to get held back.

Yeah, hold him back because he's a punk bitch!

And I'm gonna dunk your ass like a donut at the post office!

What does that even mean?

I don't know, but I kept yelling it.

CONNOR You sure did.

I'm gonna dunk you ass like a donut!

I'm gonna dunk your ass like a donut!

Yeah, baby!

I can't wait to lay your ass out, bro.

KEITH I really thought

you were going to hit me there.

CONNOR Are you kidding?

I would never throw a punch.

I'm a fifth grade math teacher.

And, I mean, the legal implications alone--

KEITH Thank god, because I

don't have health insurance.

Oh, you got to get on that, dude.

What if you got hit by a car?

I know. I know.

You know, I was really looking forward

to this Obamacare thing, but the whole health

care marketplace is just--

Just too glitchy at this point.

KEITH Oh, my!

KEITH Oh, my goodness.

Oh, wow.

We get each other.

Let's do this thing!

Let's do this thing.

Worldstar.

Oh, that's my friend Ian.

I'm sorry about that.

KEITH Yeah, it's OK.

That's how these things usually go.

What about, like, bear cops or, like, adult play-doh.

Adult play-doh could be something.

Yeah?

It might just be clay.

Ooh, who's she, Ben?

Really cute.

- That's my friend's ex. - Ooh.

OK.

Ben, you know you can't date her.

Right?

Who said anything about dating?

I'm just trying to hook up with her.

- Ooh. - Ben, that's worse.

Yeah.

How is that worse?

I mean, if you wanted to date this person,

and marry them, and have their kids, and be their soulmate,

then nobody's going to stop being friends with you

over that. - Yeah, no.

That's, like, beautiful.

But if you're just looking to hook up with a friend's ex,

you're a--

sorry for the language.

You're a bad dude. - Yeah.

You're a bad dude. - I'm not a bad dude.

OK?

I've dated, like, a bunch of my friend's exes.

And how many of those friends still talk to you?

Wait a minute.

OK, this is-- this is interesting.

When I was in middle school, this girl kissed a guy

I had held hands with once.

And then she had to transfer because I bullied her.

You know, I actually hooked up with my friend's ex once,

but she had cheated on him.

That's how it ended.

And then I met them at the same time.

Wait.

Is this why Mark punched me in the face?

OK.

So all we have to do is solve for X, which we can do

by dividing how long they were friends for by how long

the relationship lasted, ooh, and multiplying it by how

long ago this all took place. - OK.

Is Matt having, like, a like "Good

Will Hunting" kind of moment?

Oh, I was thinking "A Beautiful Mind."

That's a good movie.

What we need to express is how it ended over

why it ended, which we can roughly

get using the relationship happiness

quotient, which we can express roughly

as brunches over fights. Right?

Yo, what about brunch fights?

What about brunch fights?

Oh, it's so close. You're so close.

Oh.

All we need to figure out is the who knew who first variable.

And once we have that, then these two cancel out.

This cancels out that.

This goes away.

This goes up here.

And, Ben, you cannot hook up with this person.

You're a bad dude. - Yeah.

You're a bad dude. - Yeah, you're a bad dude.

OK. This is insane.

We're two consenting adults I'm friends

with my friends for a reason.

We're alike.

We have similar taste.

Plus, I don't even really care about the friendship

that much anyway. - Wait.

If you don't care about the friendship,

then just go for it. - Right.

Yeah, this becomes zero.

- Hook up with the girl. - Yeah.

It really sucks. - Oh, great.

Then yeah, hook up. - OK, yeah.

Also, pretty sure I just came up with some sort of plan

for an intergalactic portal.

We love that.

- Hey, Benj. - Hey, Gavin.

I got a question for you.

OK.

It's actually-- to be fair, it's more of a brainteaser.

OK.

OK.

So you've got a button that you can push.

You get $1 million cash.

Yeah.

But everybody else in the world dies.

Would you do that?

Everybody dies?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Don't you mean one person?

What? No.

I don't mean that. What are you talking about?

I've heard this before, but it's

supposed to be that one random stranger

dies and you get $1,000,000.

You're wrong.

That's not how it goes.

It's too easy if it's just one person.

One person?

Yeah, I'll push the button, you know?

What?

It makes it harder if it's everybody dies.

It's a better dilemma.

If everybody in the world dies?

And you get $1,000,000.

But what would you do with it?

If you don't know how to spend $1,000,000,

I'm not going to help you with that.

I mean, you do whatever you want.

You can get a sports car, crash it, get another one.

Take a cruise, you know, buy a basketball franchise,

go to Vegas, go to the club, any club you want.

Skip the line, right to the front.

Oh, come on in, Mr. Millionaire.

You know, it's up to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But everybody's dead.

Think about how popular you'd be.

Oh, OK.

Psst.

Your boss is watching you.

Hello, Mr. Hastings.

So I understand you're interested in a gastric bypass.

Fuck, yeah, I want a bypass.

OK.

Well, have you explored other options of dieting,

cutting out processed foods, exercise?

No.

I just want the surgery.

OK.

Well, I'll be honest.

This hospital needs the money, so we'll

take whatever we can get.

I just have to go over some questions,

all pretty standard.

OK.

You understand that there are certain risks involved,

and that there may be serious complications

including sudden fatality and--

Yes.

OK.

Do you have any history of heart disease?

Oh, yes, a lot.

That might complicate the surgery.

I don't care.

OK.

Do you have diabetes or any condition related to blood--

Yes.

Well, that astronomically increases your chance

of dying on the operating-- - Yes.

Yes?

Yes, continue?

OK.

Have you ever smoked?

All the time.

- Have you chewed tobacco? - Mm-hmm.

- Have you quit? - No.

Would you consider quitting?

- Nope. - Have you tried?

Uh-uh.

On average, how many alcoholic drinks do you have per week?

About 100.

Mr. Hastings.

Keep going.

Are you sexually active?

Yes.

Really?

I find that hard to believe, but good for you.

A different lady every night.

My god.

Do you use protection?

Nope.

More questions.

Do you suffer from any of the following--

adrenal dysfunction? - Mm-hmm.

- Anxiety disorder? - Oh, yes.

- Asthma? - Mm-hmm.

- Autoimmune disease? - Mm-hmm.

- Bleeding disorder? - Oh, yes.

- Glaucoma? - That, too.

Inflammatory bowel disease?

- My bowels. - Mania?

Ugh.

- Muscular dystrophy? - Mm-hmm.

Narcolepsy?

Oh, yes.

Osteoporosis?

- My bones. - Pancreatitis?

Mm-hmm.

Limb movement disorder?

All the time.

Polycystic ovarian syndrome?

How did you know?

Mr. Hastings, that's something that only women can get.

- OK. - Scoliosis?

Mm-hmm.

- Sickle cell anemia? - I'm tired.

Sleep apnea?

Can't sleep.

Thrombocytopenia?

So much.

Mr. Hastings, even I'm not sure what thrombocytopenia is.

Do you really have it?

Sure.

Fine.

Have you tested positive for HIV/AIDS?

Absolutely.

Shit.

Really?

What was the prognosis?

Bad.

Mr.-- Mr. Hastings, I don't know.

I think you're a terrible candidate for this procedure.

Oh, doctor, please.

It's my dream.

Fine.

Last question-- have you had any surgeries

in the last two years?

And, if yes, what were they?

Gastric bypass.

You're kidding me.

No.