All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E13.Have.Mercy.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Hi.

Welcome to "Cocktales."

I'm Little Esther.

And my guest today is Jess Low.

Hi.

Clinks.

If any question today
makes you uncomfortable

and you don't want
to answer it, you

are free to use today's safe
word, which is Albuquerque.

It's my hometown.

Have you ever dreamed about
having sex with your parents?

What?

Albuquerque.

Albuquerque.

What were some of
your most embarrassing

adolescent
misconceptions about sex?

That a guy could pee in you.

Oh, you thought a
guy could pee in you.

Yeah.

I thought, like, once he's
pumping away, like, he could

just lose control his hose.

Did that scare you?

Yeah.

I was worried I was
gonna get peed in.

That's not fun.
- I know.

Peed on is fun, though.

No?

What pop song best describes
your first sexual experience?

This kiss, it was
so-- it was so gentle.

It was like, the most
gentle thing ever.

And the whole time I
was like, are you OK?

If there's a song
called "Are You OK,"

then that would
describe my first time.

If you could have sex
anywhere and not get caught,

where would you do it?

The Lincoln
Memorial, on his lap.

Do you want to do
something really sexy?

Like what?

Jell-O thumb wrestling.

If you could redesign the
penis, what would you change?

Oh.

No balls.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah.

It's-- it's just, like,
a Pinocchio's nose.

Yeah.

The balls don't
serve us any purpose.

What do they do?

I guess they give us babies,
which could lead to money.

But--

Oh, yeah, that's true.

But, like, I feel like
the penis is the Superman

and then the balls
are just like--

- That is like a poem.
- Thank you.

That is so beautiful.

What advice would you
give your younger self?

You're a prize to be won.

Ooh.

And, like, there's a plethora
of penises, and you are a gift.

You need to respect yourself.

What's the
weirdest thing anyone

has ever said to you during sex?

Make more noise.

Oh, I get that all the time.

I just lay there.
I'm quiet.

Who cares?

Also, like, my roommate
was across the hall.

I think it's
really noble that you

put your roommate before the
person who's inside of you.

Yeah.

If you were an escort,
what would your name be

and what would be your
signature service?

Ooh, buddy--

Natania Clinch.

Clinch is like--

I think clinch
is my secret move.

I think so, too.

You're like-- you just
take all the shit out of it.

Oh, my.

My mom's never
going to see this.

I think my escort name
would be Nancy Grace.

Was there a teacher you
had a crush on in high school

or middle school?

Oh, my god, Mr. Thompson.

He's here today.

No!

I'm just kidding.

We don't have that kind
of budget for this show.

Now it's time to
play Bowl of Sexts.

This is where we each
pick a sext from the bowl,

and then we flip a coin.

And whoever loses
the coin toss has

to sext someone in their phone.

All right, let's do it.

What's yours say?

This is good.

This is good.

I'm gonna fucking use this.

I had a dream about you
last night, a sexy one.

Mine says, I just
thought about you

and I got all tingly inside.

Heads or tails?

Tails.

Oh, it's gone.

I guess we don't have to do it.

It was heads!

It was tails!

No, it was tails!

Doesn't heads mean I lose?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god.

OK, you lose.

Yes.

Who should I send it to?

I'll help you pick.

Armenian Brian.

I had a dream about you
last night, a sexy one.

OK.

Oh, man.

He's gonna be like, what?

Bam.

Oh, my god.

Wait.

And who is Armenian Brian?

Albuquerque.

Grammy Rose.

Hi.

There you are.

Queefs, ejaculants,
dingleberries, a little pee--

you're going to see all
of it at some point.

Our bodies are fucking weird.

Embrace it.

And whatever you do, try
and keep your cooters clean.

Thank you so much for
being a guest on my show.

As a parting gift I
would like to offer

you this condom balloon.

It's used.

Oh, thank you.

Yep.

Yes, it is.

You guys mind if I sit here?

Another
three-pointer for Tate Robbins.

God, I hate him so much.

Everybody thinks
Tate is so awesome,

but he's the biggest
fart hole of the school.

Bully?

Yeah.

I know it seems
rough right now.

OK?

But after high school
it gets so much better.

Oh.

Were you bullied in high school?

Yeah.

Logan Carter.

That guy used to make
my life a living hell.

He'd throw whole packs of
baloney at my butt cheeks

while leading the chant,
"Baloney butt weirdo!"

I mean, doesn't that make him
the weirdo for doing that?

Point is, I got through it.

And where is he?

Probably begging four quarters
or face down in some ditch.

Wait, Mr. Carter?

Oh, you know him?

Logan Carter, he's
a really rich guy.

He owns two
helicopters, a giraffe,

and even has a minotaur butler.

Minotaurs don't exist.

When you're as wealthy
as Mr. Carter, they exist.

Science is a rich
man's playground.

OK, so he's rich.

But is he happy?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Look.
- Oh, my god.

That's him.

And is that--

1999 Playmate of the
Year, Heather Kozar.

Yeah, that's his wife.

OK.

So he's rich and he
has a Playmate wife.

She's also prestigious
member of the National

Academy of Sciences.

She designed the green
energy system that's powering

the lights in this gym.

The lights in here
are pretty great.

Damn it.

Hey, why aren't you guys
sitting with the band anyway?

- We're outcasts.
- Yeah.

We were voted out.

The only explanation
they gave us was, nope.

Well, I was also voted
out of my high school band.

And I can tell you
with confidence

that it does not define you.

Oh, cool.

So I guess you have
a lot of friends now?

Well, sure.

What are your friends like?

I sit next to a guy
named Rick at church.

Oh, that's not a friend.

Yeah, you're right.

Rick thinks I'm going to hell.

At least you
have work friends.

Right?

I own my own business, so--

Doing what?

I sell dream catchers
on my eBay shop.

Oh, come on.

Wow.

It did not get better for you.

Yes, it did.

I grew up, got married,
and I have a great kid.

Well, where's your wife?

She left me.

Oh.

You at least get
to see your kid.

Right?

Well, she has custody, so I
mostly see him at these games.

Oh, if this sad old
depressing guy is telling us

it gets better,
then we're screwed.

Oh, come on.

I am not those things.

Would the owner
of the brown Ford Taurus

with the bumper sticker "I'd
rather be at Margaritaville"

please come out to
the parking lot?

Your car is being towed.

That's your car, isn't it?

Yeah.

I should probably go.

All my dream catchers
are in the trunk.

Baloney butt weirdo!

Nice throw, 1999 Playmate
of the Year Heather Kozar.

Oh, you
boys are too sweet!

We now take you back
to the Congressional Hearing

on the television show
"The Big Bang Theory."

Mr. Tillis, it says here
that you are the number one

fan of "The Big Bang Theory."

Yes, ma'am, since it
premiered on September 24, 2007.

It's the single
greatest comedy program

the world has ever seen.

Well, you're not alone in
feeling this way Mr. Tills.

In fact, last season the
program had as many as 20

million viewers per episode.

So tell me, how is it that I
don't know a single person that

watches this show.

This show is for smart people.

Maybe it's just over your head.

I know smart
people, Mr. Tills,

and I consider
myself quite smart.

Help me understand what it
is you like about the show.

I like that they
understand real nerds

and make references to a lot
of things nerds know and love.

See, I consider
myself a nerd, and I

didn't laugh at a single
reference in all of season one.

If you're a nerd, Stephen
Hawking is a stormtrooper.

What?
Where's that coming from?

What is that?

Bazinga.

I'm glad you brought
up bazooka, Mr. Tillis.

- Bazinga.
- Bermuda?

Bazinga.

Patinkin?

Ba-zing-ga.

- Irregardless--
- Regardless.

What?

There it is, again.

The point is, didn't
catchphrases die out with Urkel

and Uncle Jesse in the '90s?

Have mercy.

OK.

33 Emmy nominations
and seven wins--

over a million dollars per
episode for all of their stars.

Yet, if you offered me
$1 million right now,

I couldn't name a
single person that

watches and enjoys this show.

Does the name Burt
Tills ring a bell?

No.

Oh, it's his?

Where the heck is that
laughter coming from?

From Terry.

He's providing the laughter
at today's hearing.

Are we almost done here?

I'm getting hungry.

Ooh.

Oh, wrong button.

Terry.

What the hell?

Terry, don't hit
the button anymore.

You're hitting it more.

You're making eye contact.

I know you're listening to me.

If you hit that button
one more time, I'm just

going to have to .

Stop .

We'll be
back in a few minutes

with this continuing
investigation.

And join us tomorrow for
the Congressional Hearing

on parents who use speakerphone
when they talk to their kids.

Please welcome to the
stage right now Sean Patton,

everybody!

Isn't it funny when people
ask you, like, how much-- how

expensive is New York, really.

I tell this tale,
because it's true.

Earlier this year I helped
my friend move into apartment

here in Brooklyn--
one bedroom apartment,

that he pays $3,000 a month.

And the laughter
you just heard

is that whoever lives here.

They're like, that's it?

But, seriously,
three grand a month

is what he pays for a
standard one bedroom,

nothing special about it.

And I helped him
move in, in January.

And then we were hanging
out on the stoops

afterwards drinking kombucha
and pretending to like it.

You know, standard
Brooklynite activity.

It's like, ah,
this is delicious.

What is that, bacteria?
Mm.

It's so good.

It's so-- mm-mm-m.

I can feel it wiggling
down my windpipe.

It's so good.

This tastes like a
bottle of vinegar

went out, got hammered
on PBR, and then

pissed into this bottle.

And it's so delicious
and good for you.

Why would I want Gatorade,
with all that sugar?

No, this is-- mm, bacteria.

We're doing that, and this
old timey New Yorker--

and I love those
guys-- like, dirty work

pants, dirty boots,
though he'd probably

been retired for 30 years.

He's got a hat on.

It's so old, I can't tell
if it's Yankees or Mets.

It's just NY.

He's just an old guy, and he's
got something in a bottle,

in a bag, probably booze.

Old school.

And he stops right in
front of the apartment,

and he's just kind of
staring at it for a second.

And then he says, I used to live
here back in the '70s, right

here.

And then my friend goes,
I just moved in, sir.

And then the guy looks at us.

Like, he didn't even
realize we were there.

He's like, oh, you?

What are you, a couple
of trapeze artists?

A side note-- I don't know
if that's a derogatory term

or not.

Trapeze artists are
pretty buff.

You know, they're pretty jacked.

But we're just sitting there.

And then he says, yeah, I
used to live in apartment 3RR.

That's the apartment I just
helped my friend move into.

And he says, he's
like, that's what I--

I just moved in 3RR.

That's right.

Some apartments in
Brooklyn have two R's,

like they wrote fantasy novels.

So--

You like that one?
That was a good one.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Then this old dude, he goes,
yep, I paid $270 a month.

And I'm looking at my
friend like, don't say it.

Don't say it.

But he's one of those friends
who's proud of what he pays.

He goes, well sir, I
pay three grand a month.

And this old guy's reaction
was worth every cent.

Because right there
he just-- what?

You dumb shit.

This guys pays
three grand a month!

This guy pays three grand-- and
there's no one on the street.

He's just shouting it to the
trees and the fire hydrants.

Three grand!

What the ?

It's still a one bedroom?

It is?

What the hell they put
in that bedroom, huh?

Who do you live with, the
Jets and the Sharks?

You live with the
Jets and the Sharks?

You get it you get a private
Broadway production every night

for three grand a month?

Huh?

What the hell's in that
bedroom, a sauna, huh?

a rub and tug studio?

Huh?

You get a private chef?

What do you got in
there, a cobbler

just fixing your shoes every
day for three grand a month?

What the hell you got in
there, huh, a university?

Huh?

You get a college
degree when you move in?

Three grand a month-- what the
hell you got it now for three

grand, another apartment?

Huh?

You got a tinier apartment
inside that one bedroom

apartment that you get
to rent out when you pay

three grand for a one bedroom?

What the hell is in that
tiny apartment, huh?

What do you got in
there, Portugal?

The whole damn
country in Portugal

lived in that apartment
for three grand?

Huh?

What the hell's
in there, gluten?

What do you got
in there, gluten?

Is that where gluten
goes when you're free it?

It goes to a one bedroom
inside a one bedroom?

What the hell you got
in there, science?

Huh?

What the hell's in
there, a time machine?

You got a time machine in there?

You got a time
machine in there, huh?

Hey, if I pay to move in there,
can I take that time machine

back to Coney Island in 1983
so as I could tell Paulie

I loved him like I
should have done then

but couldn't because
we was both Union?

Is that What's in there,
a chance at true love?

You want first and
last up front, though?

No, that.

That is a strange place
to leave you, I know.

But, like life itself,
it's just unexpected.

Thank you all.

Good night.

I am Keith.

CONNOR
And I'm Connor.

And
this is the commentary

track for a bar fight.

What the hell, bro?

Hey.

Why don't you lay off, chump?

Oh gosh
I did not want to fight.

I know.

That was all liquid
courage right there.

I've never even been in
a fight in my whole life.

You want to dance, white boy?

You mess with me, you're
messing with all my friends,

bro.
Oh, gosh.

I'm disappointed with myself.

I really just wanted to
act tough without having

to prove it, you know?

I mean, look at you.

You're made a pure
gristle and egg whites.

Oh, well,
that's kind of you to say.

I work out really hard.

KEITH
Well, it shows.

It really shows.

Hold me back, dude.

Hold me back.

Pro tip--

always ask to get held back.

Yeah, hold him back
because he's a punk bitch!

And I'm gonna dunk your ass
like a donut at the post office!

What
does that even mean?

I don't
know, but I kept yelling it.

CONNOR
You sure did.

I'm gonna dunk you
ass like a donut!

I'm gonna dunk your
ass like a donut!

Yeah, baby!

I can't wait to lay
your ass out, bro.

KEITH
I really thought

you were going to hit me there.

CONNOR
Are you kidding?

I would never throw a punch.

I'm a fifth grade math teacher.

And, I mean, the legal
implications alone--

KEITH
Thank god, because I

don't have health insurance.

Oh, you
got to get on that, dude.

What if you got hit by a car?

I know.
I know.

You know, I was
really looking forward

to this Obamacare thing,
but the whole health

care marketplace is just--

Just
too glitchy at this point.

KEITH
Oh, my!

KEITH
Oh, my goodness.

Oh, wow.

We get each other.

Let's do this thing!

Let's do this thing.

Worldstar.

Oh,
that's my friend Ian.

I'm sorry about that.

KEITH
Yeah, it's OK.

That's how these
things usually go.

What about, like, bear cops
or, like, adult play-doh.

Adult play-doh
could be something.

Yeah?

It might just be clay.

Ooh, who's she, Ben?

Really cute.

- That's my friend's ex.
- Ooh.

OK.

Ben, you know you
can't date her.

Right?

Who said anything
about dating?

I'm just trying to
hook up with her.

- Ooh.
- Ben, that's worse.

Yeah.

How is that worse?

I mean, if you wanted
to date this person,

and marry them, and have their
kids, and be their soulmate,

then nobody's going to
stop being friends with you

over that.
- Yeah, no.

That's, like, beautiful.

But if you're just looking
to hook up with a friend's ex,

you're a--

sorry for the language.

You're a bad dude.
- Yeah.

You're a bad dude.
- I'm not a bad dude.

OK?

I've dated, like, a bunch
of my friend's exes.

And how many of those
friends still talk to you?

Wait a minute.

OK, this is--
this is interesting.

When I was in middle
school, this girl kissed a guy

I had held hands with once.

And then she had to transfer
because I bullied her.

You know, I actually hooked
up with my friend's ex once,

but she had cheated on him.

That's how it ended.

And then I met them
at the same time.

Wait.

Is this why Mark
punched me in the face?

OK.

So all we have to do is
solve for X, which we can do

by dividing how long they
were friends for by how long

the relationship lasted, ooh,
and multiplying it by how

long ago this all took place.
- OK.

Is Matt having,
like, a like "Good

Will Hunting" kind of moment?

Oh, I was thinking
"A Beautiful Mind."

That's a good movie.

What we need to express
is how it ended over

why it ended, which
we can roughly

get using the
relationship happiness

quotient, which we
can express roughly

as brunches over fights.
Right?

Yo, what about brunch fights?

What about brunch fights?

Oh, it's so close.
You're so close.

Oh.

All we need to figure out is
the who knew who first variable.

And once we have that,
then these two cancel out.

This cancels out that.

This goes away.

This goes up here.

And, Ben, you cannot
hook up with this person.

You're a bad dude.
- Yeah.

You're a bad dude.
- Yeah, you're a bad dude.

OK.
This is insane.

We're two consenting
adults I'm friends

with my friends for a reason.

We're alike.

We have similar taste.

Plus, I don't even really
care about the friendship

that much anyway.
- Wait.

If you don't care
about the friendship,

then just go for it.
- Right.

Yeah, this becomes zero.

- Hook up with the girl.
- Yeah.

It really sucks.
- Oh, great.

Then yeah, hook up.
- OK, yeah.

Also, pretty sure I just
came up with some sort of plan

for an intergalactic portal.

We love that.

- Hey, Benj.
- Hey, Gavin.

I got a question for you.

OK.

It's actually-- to be fair,
it's more of a brainteaser.

OK.

OK.

So you've got a button
that you can push.

You get $1 million cash.

Yeah.

But everybody else
in the world dies.

Would you do that?

Everybody dies?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Don't you mean one person?

What?
No.

I don't mean that.
What are you talking about?

I've heard this
before, but it's

supposed to be that
one random stranger

dies and you get $1,000,000.

You're wrong.

That's not how it goes.

It's too easy if
it's just one person.

One person?

Yeah, I'll push the
button, you know?

What?

It makes it harder
if it's everybody dies.

It's a better dilemma.

If everybody in
the world dies?

And you get $1,000,000.

But what would you do with it?

If you don't know how
to spend $1,000,000,

I'm not going to
help you with that.

I mean, you do
whatever you want.

You can get a sports car,
crash it, get another one.

Take a cruise, you know,
buy a basketball franchise,

go to Vegas, go to the
club, any club you want.

Skip the line,
right to the front.

Oh, come on in, Mr. Millionaire.

You know, it's up to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But everybody's dead.

Think about how
popular you'd be.

Oh, OK.

Psst.

Your boss is watching you.

Hello, Mr. Hastings.

So I understand you're
interested in a gastric bypass.

Fuck, yeah, I want a bypass.

OK.

Well, have you explored
other options of dieting,

cutting out processed
foods, exercise?

No.

I just want the surgery.

OK.

Well, I'll be honest.

This hospital needs
the money, so we'll

take whatever we can get.

I just have to
go over some questions,

all pretty standard.

OK.

You understand that there
are certain risks involved,

and that there may be
serious complications

including sudden fatality and--

Yes.

OK.

Do you have any history
of heart disease?

Oh, yes, a lot.

That might
complicate the surgery.

I don't care.

OK.

Do you have diabetes or any
condition related to blood--

Yes.

Well, that astronomically
increases your chance

of dying on the operating--
- Yes.

Yes?

Yes, continue?

OK.

Have you ever smoked?

All the time.

- Have you chewed tobacco?
- Mm-hmm.

- Have you quit?
- No.

Would you consider quitting?

- Nope.
- Have you tried?

Uh-uh.

On average, how many alcoholic
drinks do you have per week?

About 100.

Mr. Hastings.

Keep going.

Are you sexually active?

Yes.

Really?

I find that hard to
believe, but good for you.

A different lady every night.

My god.

Do you use protection?

Nope.

More questions.

Do you suffer from
any of the following--

adrenal dysfunction?
- Mm-hmm.

- Anxiety disorder?
- Oh, yes.

- Asthma?
- Mm-hmm.

- Autoimmune disease?
- Mm-hmm.

- Bleeding disorder?
- Oh, yes.

- Glaucoma?
- That, too.

Inflammatory bowel disease?

- My bowels.
- Mania?

Ugh.

- Muscular dystrophy?
- Mm-hmm.

Narcolepsy?

Oh, yes.

Osteoporosis?

- My bones.
- Pancreatitis?

Mm-hmm.

Limb movement disorder?

All the time.

Polycystic ovarian syndrome?

How did you know?

Mr. Hastings, that's something
that only women can get.

- OK.
- Scoliosis?

Mm-hmm.

- Sickle cell anemia?
- I'm tired.

Sleep apnea?

Can't sleep.

Thrombocytopenia?

So much.

Mr. Hastings, even I'm not
sure what thrombocytopenia is.

Do you really have it?

Sure.

Fine.

Have you tested
positive for HIV/AIDS?

Absolutely.

Shit.

Really?

What was the prognosis?

Bad.

Mr.-- Mr. Hastings,
I don't know.

I think you're a terrible
candidate for this procedure.

Oh, doctor, please.

It's my dream.

Fine.

Last question-- have
you had any surgeries

in the last two years?

And, if yes, what were they?

Gastric bypass.

You're kidding me.

No.