All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E12.I.Know.Im.Supposed.to.Stay.in.My.Crate.During.Girls.Night.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Ba-da, da, da, da.

7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

Today, I'm here with
actress extraordinaire

Patricia Clarkson.
Hi, Patricia.

Hello.

Welcome to the closet.

I'm thrilled.

Thank you for letting
me join you here.

Yeah.

There's slippers and
stuff if you need them.

What's the most serious
crime you've ever committed?

Oh, my god.

Yes, I was a
sorority cheerleader

and I was a sorority girl.

And when I was at LSU, there's
something called the River

Road that goes around.

And my friend, Katie
Havens had a Porsche.

And I drove it 121 miles
an hour down the river.

Wow.

That's what I did.

That's exciting.

But I got big grounded for that.

I couldn't go on that
Honor Society hayride.

Got it.

I love it.

You're like, oh, Jesus.

You're the cheerleader
going on hayride.

Let's rethink the
discussion in this closet.

It's just so Americana.

It's too much-- almost too much
Americana for me to deal with.

I love it.

Where'd you grow up?

I grew up in Russia, so.

Oh, my god, well,
my parents see this?

Well, maybe.

Probably not, to be fair, to
be fair to our demographic--

which is knowing--

Oh, my God, I'm
drinking in a closet.

Do you have a recent example
that made you think of this?

- Of--
- Current--

Racism?

Oh, it's every day.

2011.

Well, something personal,
you mean, that I've witnessed?

I was just trying
to think, too, yeah,

of the most racist thing
I've seen recently.

What percentage of movies
would you say you're dying in?

Is it up to 50?
- Oh--

Is it 50?

Oh, I think it's about 92%.

So I wondered--

Oh, god.

if you could say this
line how you would say it

as a suburban mom
character like you

were doing it in the late '90s.

No, I want to play it.

I want to do this.

I want to do this.

You want me to lead
you in with a line?

I want to win.
I want to win.

I want to be nominated again.

Robert.

Psst.

Robert, if you take one more
step, I'll shoot your dick off.

Well, is 7 minutes in heaven.

Oh, it feels like more.

It has maybe been
a little bit more.

But I think you're
real attractive.

And so--

- Oh, you--
- That was like Europe.

Yeah.

Is that-- is that what
that is, the Europe thing?

Are you really
going to kiss me?

I think so.

Are you really?

I'm single.
Are you're single?

Yeah.

So you can really kiss me, but
you're going to get lipstick.

But we can go for it
'cause we're both single.

But I have lipstick on.

Well, we'll edit
that out, I guess.

And you know my
lipstick is called?

What?

Cherries in the Snow.

God damn.

You're all woman.

You're all woman.
- Oh, honey.

Oh.

I'll play your mother next week.

Cherries in the snow.

So that's Patricia Clarkson,
and that's 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

OK, so you, guys, I
have a big announcement.

Paul and I are having a baby.

Gosh, when are you due?

30 weeks.

That's amazing.
Congrats.

Thank you.

Actually, I have
some big news, too.

Colin and I got
tickets to Hamilton.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

When are you going?

Also in 30 weeks.

They're the same.

We're twins.

Really happy for you, Carrie.

Thank you.

Also, it's a girl.

That's cute.

Hello?

Because it took me
five painful rounds of

IVF to have this baby.
- Sh, sh hey.

We happy for you.

OK?

It's just that only
some people want a baby,

and everyone wants
Hamilton tickets.

Yeah.

And I mean, everyone
can have a baby.

I mean, my 13-year-old cousin
had a baby and she's 13.

But I bet she doesn't
have Hamilton tickets.

Hell no.
Tell us how you got the tickets.

I want all the details.

OK, well, we tried the
old fashioned way forever.

Ticketmaster, StubHub,
nothing worked.

Finally, Colin's
co-worker told us

that he knew of a couple
who had tickets but couldn't

commit to the show.

I can't believe there
are unwanted Hamilton

tickets in this world.

It's shocking.

Anyway, last Friday, he told us.

The tickets really are ours.

You're going to be all right.

Oh, oh, oh, look, that's them.

Oh, my god, they
look just like you.

Get ready 'cause after
Gabe and I saw Hamilton,

we did not sleep a wink.

Why not?

Why haven't you been able to
sleep after seeing a play?

You'll know when you
get Hamilton tickets.

No, I'm never getting
Hamilton tickets.

I do not care about Hamilton.

You know, say that now,
but just wait until you

get a confirmation email.

getting
confirmation email.

Honey, sorry, I know I'm
supposed to stay in my crate

during girls' night, but
I overheard the good news

and thought you ladies deserved
a little celebratory champagne.

That's so sweet,
but I can't drink.

OK.

So, don't.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I'm going to propose a toast.

No, no, excuse me.

I'm having a baby girl.

The miracle of life is
happening inside me right now.

I am due in May, and we are
calling her Olivia Jane.

Oh, they're orchestra seats.

Whoa, mamma!

You just-- you never think it
could actually happen to you,

you know?

I did what I had to do.

Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear you
though the thin white walls.

For
Andrew, March 7, 2015

began as an ordinary Saturday.

It all started when we
went to brunch at Steamers.

They had $2 mimosas there.

Dave said, we should
get chilaquiles.

He said they're great here.

And I said, David, that
sounds like a great idea.

Chilaquiles, to you
and I, a tasty Mexican word.

For Andrew, the portal
to a hellish nightmare.

On the car ride back,
it hit me pretty fast.

It wasn't a problem
yet, but it was urgent.

We made it back just
in the nick of time.

And I was feeling pretty proud
of myself, actually, until--

Disaster.

I'm thinking, OK, this is bad.

But no worries, just
grab a new roll.

And I know Eric always steals
a lot of rolls of toilet paper

from public bathrooms,
so I figured I'd be fine.

I mean, I knew that we were
low, but I didn't think--

can you imagine?

Andrew could imagine.

He was living it, and he
was beginning to panic.

Look.

I'm a small guy, but I shit big.

I yelled for help.

I knew the girls were home.

Girls, help.

Lost in their
endorphin-fueled revelry,

Andrew's roommates are oblivious
to his desperate cries.

I just had my phone.

I like to look at
penguin GIFs while I--

it relaxes me.

But Liz said that was gross,
so I stopped doing it.

It's disgusting.

I mean, there are literally
shit particles everywhere.

Your phone is covered in shit.

It's a shit phone.

But a shit phone
that might have meant escape.

22 minutes have
passed, and Andrew is

growing increasingly desperate.

There was nothing.

And then, salvation.

It wasn't much,
but it was enough.

But Andrew's
nightmare wasn't over.

In fact, it was only beginning.

Chilaquiles,
chilaquiles, chilaquiles.

The unthinkable
was happening--

an aftershock.

Second time's so much worse.

There was no way out.

But then I--

I saw it.

It had been in front
of me the whole time.

It was like someone reached down
from heaven and wiped my ass.

Changes you.

You know, haunts you.

There are things in life
we take for granted.

And then one day, one day,
it all comes blasting out.

It was a classic whac-a-mole,
that when one went down,

another went up.

It was a combination
of sexy lighting

and shiny black cloaks
that made my job very hard.

With the orgy scene
in "Eyes Wide Shut,"

it was my job to make sure that
there wasn't a single erection

among 200 extras.

And extras very horny.

That's why they
call them extras.

They're extra horny, you know?

Well, you know what
a fluffer is, right?

The guy on porn sets
whose job it is to make

sure the actors are erect.

I'm the opposite
of that, a flatner.

I have never been able to
really turn someone on.

For years, I thought
something was wrong with me.

But when my fourth wife left
me for being bad at touching,

it clicked.

You know, maybe I'm not
here to turn someone on.

Maybe I'm here to
turn people off.

My ability to deflate any
sexual energy in the room

became my greatest strength.

There's no one way to flatten.

The way you approach
a magic Mike

is different from a blue
as the warmest color.

I like to keep it
creative, you know?

Try out my Ace
Ventura impression.

You know, you're
all righty then.

Yeah.

You know, I ask people if
they have gum over and over.

I reheat goulash.

Sometimes I just bring
in a baby and let it

cry while I eat its baby food.

The Fifty Shades
of Gray franchise

has always been a dream of mine.

I developed my first long-term
flattening technique--

co-star hostility.

You know, the drama that you
heard about between the two

of them?

I created that.

By the second week,
they were only speaking

through their publicist.

The car drove itself.

Actors will tell you that
shooting an on-screen sex scene

is the least sexy
thing you can do.

It's because of me.

I'm Darryl Scrmmshaw,
and I'm a flatner.

This couple's
going to be good.

Older couples better than young
couples, just my prediction.

This couple's young.

- This next one is?
- This one next one--

It's the 19-year-olds
who have a baby.

Oh, I thought
we were doing Mame and Ross.

They're next.

Mame and
Ross, they're going to be good.

That's my prediction.
Yeah.

All right.

Hi.

Hi.

Alec.

How are you?

Hi, I'm Taylor.

Nice to meet you.
- How are you?

It's Alec Baldwin.

Cody, dude.

Dude!

We're here in Pittsburgh.

Oh my god!

The story I
heard is that you got pregnant,

and you wanted to have
the baby, but you didn't.

Yeah, I never wanted kids.

You wanted to have sex,
but you want to have kids?

- Oh, yeah--
- Yeah.

of course.

You
are aware that having sex

does lead to children?

Were you
using some contraception?

I was on birth control.

You are birth
control and you got pregnant?

Yes, yeah.

The guy must have some
very powerful sperm.

You didn't
want to have children.

Yeah.

And then you found
out you were pregnant.

And when you found
you were pregnant,

you didn't want
to have the baby?

I wanted to keep him.

I knew from the get go
as soon as I found out.

That you
would not terminate.

No.

You
wanted to have the baby?

Yes.

When she told you she was
pregnant, how did you feel?

I was jumping for joining me.

And you weren't intimidated
or nervous or scared?

I was ready and
prepped to be a dad.

Is this a Pittsburgh
thing, by the way?

Young people having kids?

Like, everybody your age or
people your age have kids?

- It's like a curse.
- No.

It's a Pittsburgh curse.
- It is?

You live near Pittsburgh--

All your friends are
knocking each other up, too?

- Swear to God.
- No!

Swear to God.

Yeah, I have three
friends with babies.

She's got three
friends with babies.

And just with it every chick
I went to high school with

is now pregnant.

Why do you think that is?

It's simple, powerful
sperm in Pittsburgh

and good looking women.

Pittsburgh is the
city of champions.

Pittsburgh has
championships on every level--

Steelers, sperm.

Or Penguin.

Penguins.

The Pirates have
a nice stadium.

OK, let's leave it at that.

Does your
baby have a girlfriend yet?

Um--

You can skip that one.

Yeah.

Trivia
question for them, how many

bridges does Pittsburgh have?

How many bridges does the
city of Pittsburgh have?

A lot.
Tick tock.

Tick tock.
- 21--

- Eight.
- that's a total guess.

21, eight.

The answer, believe it or
not, legitimate, real answer,

is 446 bridges.

Shut the up, Judah.

No, that's true.

It's 100% true.

446 bridges.

Says that she
smacked him before.

Is there any physical
abuse in your relationship?

Number two, who is the
abuser and who is the abused?

And what do you
believe in your heart

should be done about that?

Now, if she says
yes, she's joking.

You just stay out
of this for now.

Everybody
turn around and reveal.

There is no physical abuse.

You said, yes.

Mm-hmm.

And you abuse him.

Yeah.

She has--

Clocked
you a couple of times.

- She did.
- You wrote, no.

Why?

Because you want to
pretend it doesn't exist?

Yes.

OK.

It hurts my manhood.

No, I mean, I know
why she did strike me.

Why?

We were in a fight and
I called her the C-word.

You called her a
Charlottesville Hornets fan?

You do
realize that if a man

physically struck you,
he'd be in handcuffs today.

You know that, don't you?
- Yeah.

Even if a woman strikes
a man, that could be.

You think it's different
when a man strikes a woman?

No.

I'm
trying to get you

to think about
things that are going

to help you last long term.

Physically striking each
other is not a good idea.

Now, I want you to
look at each other.

Don't look at her like you're--
like, oh, you're leaning back.

Lean in.
You're in love, right?

Yeah.

I want you to say, I'm
going to do my best--

I'm going to do my best--

-to
not make you angry--

to not make you angry--

-so you
don't hit me again.

so you don't hit me again.

And you're going to say,
I'm going to do my best--

I'm going to do my best--

-not
to hit you again.

not to hit you again.

Because that's not
going to be good for your child

to see that.
- No.

Save the hitting for
the Pittsburgh Penguins.

You're
not going to get along.

I'm so in love with my wife.

I love her more than anything.

And then there's like--
there's like, 30 minutes, like,

every other week.
It's not that often.

But in that 30 minutes--
it's very real--

I want to throw my
wife off a cliff.

Right.

You guys
have a real opportunity.

She's a fabulous woman.

So now you have a family.

Now, you have a son, which
is a beautiful thing.

You guys are making me cry.

Come here.

You guys are--

I'm like, look at this.

I love you.

You're so goddamn lucky.

Get out of my car.

You're making me puke.

Is he still in?

He's been at it for days?

We must do something.

If you won't, I will.

No, don't!

Teenagers are tweeting
about "Star Wars."

I must break them.

BB-8, a smooth rolling
metallic sphere would have

skidded uncontrollably in sand.

Maybe you'd like to
go out tonight, sir.

Nay.

A little girl just posted
a drawing of herself

flying a kite in space.

Preposterous.

I need her to know she's wrong.

But it's Twitter.

Aren't people allowed
to post anything?

Why go after them?

People like you want
to remark on pop culture

and correct people online
and ruin fun little things.

They really just like
your scientific insight.

What would you have me do?

Just tweet about
astrophysics and oversee

the world-renowned
Hayden Planetarium?

Yeah.

And host "Cosmos,"
my highly rated

and critically
acclaimed prime time

TV show that pays me very well?

Yeah.

And enjoy time
with my lovely wife

and two beautiful children--

Yeah.

and drink wine from my
huge collection and hang

out with my famous friends?

Yep.

And be graceful about
the fact that not everyone

has had as much training as
me and might just be confused?

Yeah.

And understand that being
so condescending online

might cause fewer people to
express an interest in science

for fear of being ridiculed?

Yeah.

And realize that deep down
this isn't the real me

and that I'm just caught
up in the retweets

and the likes and the
fleeting attention

that social media brings.

Yeah.

And recognize that forcing
James Cameron to redo the sky

in the "Titanic" movie so
that it matches the real sky

that victims would have
seen at that exact longitude

and latitude at that point
in history is insane.

And a real thing I did, and
a sign that I've really got

to get my priorities straight?

Precisely.

Yes!

Now, you've got it.

Or-- and hear me out--

I could just get on Snapchat
and make funny videos

that ruin Harry Potter--

Now, get his laptop and hide
it somewhere good this time.

Fine, but he always finds it.

I'm going to get
fired, aren't I?

Yeah, you just assaulted him.

You hit him in the head
with a wine bottle--

in the head.

Creaking doors, clanking pots.

The other day, I saw a face
in the oven, like a real face,

like an apparition of a face.

Last night I was
going to bed, and I

just heard like,
a toddler singing,

like a whisper-type thing.

Was the child singing
a particular song?

Oh, I
once knew a girl.

Or should I say
she once knew me.

"Norwegian Wood"
by the Beatles.

I've never even
heard the Beatles.

And all this makes you think
your backhouse is haunted?

We'll I've also been waking
up with these huge scratches

across my body.

Oh, fuck.

It's actually worse
on the other side.

Is it bad?

Yes, it's bad.

It's bleeding.

I thought it was
being dramatic.

I've been a paranormal
investigator for 10 years.

I've never seen an indication
of a haunting like this.

I think the best course
of action at this point

is to set up some
cameras, and we'll

monitor the backhouse over
the course of a full night.

OK.

So is the backhouse haunted?

No.

You're just a garbage person.

You got that
from watching this?

The only thing
I can't figure out

is how you got the
scratches down your body.

Oh, you know, what
that part's coming up?

Oh, god.

Sometimes I like to scratch
myself at the base of my shaft

because it makes me feel
alive when I masturbate.

Don't ever call me again.

What if I see more
evidence of a haunting?

That dude was tight.

My name's Ian Maplethorn.

I'm a paranormal
investigator, real estate

broker, tenancy
authority by day,

paranormal
investigator by night.

Sorry.

These are my stories.