Original subtitles

Ba-da, da, da, da.

7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

Today, I'm here with actress extraordinaire

Patricia Clarkson. Hi, Patricia.

Hello.

Welcome to the closet.

I'm thrilled.

Thank you for letting me join you here.

Yeah.

There's slippers and stuff if you need them.

What's the most serious crime you've ever committed?

Oh, my god.

Yes, I was a sorority cheerleader

and I was a sorority girl.

And when I was at LSU, there's something called the River

Road that goes around.

And my friend, Katie Havens had a Porsche.

And I drove it 121 miles an hour down the river.

Wow.

That's what I did.

That's exciting.

But I got big grounded for that.

I couldn't go on that Honor Society hayride.

Got it.

I love it.

You're like, oh, Jesus.

You're the cheerleader going on hayride.

Let's rethink the discussion in this closet.

It's just so Americana.

It's too much-- almost too much Americana for me to deal with.

I love it.

Where'd you grow up?

I grew up in Russia, so.

Oh, my god, well, my parents see this?

Well, maybe.

Probably not, to be fair, to be fair to our demographic--

which is knowing--

Oh, my God, I'm drinking in a closet.

Do you have a recent example that made you think of this?

- Of-- - Current--

Racism?

Oh, it's every day.

2011.

Well, something personal, you mean, that I've witnessed?

I was just trying to think, too, yeah,

of the most racist thing I've seen recently.

What percentage of movies would you say you're dying in?

Is it up to 50? - Oh--

Is it 50?

Oh, I think it's about 92%.

So I wondered--

Oh, god.

if you could say this line how you would say it

as a suburban mom character like you

were doing it in the late '90s.

No, I want to play it.

I want to do this.

I want to do this.

You want me to lead you in with a line?

I want to win. I want to win.

I want to be nominated again.

Robert.

Psst.

Robert, if you take one more step, I'll shoot your dick off.

Well, is 7 minutes in heaven.

Oh, it feels like more.

It has maybe been a little bit more.

But I think you're real attractive.

And so--

- Oh, you-- - That was like Europe.

Yeah.

Is that-- is that what that is, the Europe thing?

Are you really going to kiss me?

I think so.

Are you really?

I'm single. Are you're single?

Yeah.

So you can really kiss me, but you're going to get lipstick.

But we can go for it 'cause we're both single.

But I have lipstick on.

Well, we'll edit that out, I guess.

And you know my lipstick is called?

What?

Cherries in the Snow.

God damn.

You're all woman.

You're all woman. - Oh, honey.

Oh.

I'll play your mother next week.

Cherries in the snow.

So that's Patricia Clarkson, and that's 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

OK, so you, guys, I have a big announcement.

Paul and I are having a baby.

Gosh, when are you due?

30 weeks.

That's amazing. Congrats.

Thank you.

Actually, I have some big news, too.

Colin and I got tickets to Hamilton.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

When are you going?

Also in 30 weeks.

They're the same.

We're twins.

Really happy for you, Carrie.

Thank you.

Also, it's a girl.

That's cute.

Hello?

Because it took me five painful rounds of

IVF to have this baby. - Sh, sh hey.

We happy for you.

OK?

It's just that only some people want a baby,

and everyone wants Hamilton tickets.

Yeah.

And I mean, everyone can have a baby.

I mean, my 13-year-old cousin had a baby and she's 13.

But I bet she doesn't have Hamilton tickets.

Hell no. Tell us how you got the tickets.

I want all the details.

OK, well, we tried the old fashioned way forever.

Ticketmaster, StubHub, nothing worked.

Finally, Colin's co-worker told us

that he knew of a couple who had tickets but couldn't

commit to the show.

I can't believe there are unwanted Hamilton

tickets in this world.

It's shocking.

Anyway, last Friday, he told us.

The tickets really are ours.

You're going to be all right.

Oh, oh, oh, look, that's them.

Oh, my god, they look just like you.

Get ready 'cause after Gabe and I saw Hamilton,

we did not sleep a wink.

Why not?

Why haven't you been able to sleep after seeing a play?

You'll know when you get Hamilton tickets.

No, I'm never getting Hamilton tickets.

I do not care about Hamilton.

You know, say that now, but just wait until you

get a confirmation email.

getting confirmation email.

Honey, sorry, I know I'm supposed to stay in my crate

during girls' night, but I overheard the good news

and thought you ladies deserved a little celebratory champagne.

That's so sweet, but I can't drink.

OK.

So, don't.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I'm going to propose a toast.

No, no, excuse me.

I'm having a baby girl.

The miracle of life is happening inside me right now.

I am due in May, and we are calling her Olivia Jane.

Oh, they're orchestra seats.

Whoa, mamma!

You just-- you never think it could actually happen to you,

you know?

I did what I had to do.

Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear you though the thin white walls.

For Andrew, March 7, 2015

began as an ordinary Saturday.

It all started when we went to brunch at Steamers.

They had $2 mimosas there.

Dave said, we should get chilaquiles.

He said they're great here.

And I said, David, that sounds like a great idea.

Chilaquiles, to you and I, a tasty Mexican word.

For Andrew, the portal to a hellish nightmare.

On the car ride back, it hit me pretty fast.

It wasn't a problem yet, but it was urgent.

We made it back just in the nick of time.

And I was feeling pretty proud of myself, actually, until--

Disaster.

I'm thinking, OK, this is bad.

But no worries, just grab a new roll.

And I know Eric always steals a lot of rolls of toilet paper

from public bathrooms, so I figured I'd be fine.

I mean, I knew that we were low, but I didn't think--

can you imagine?

Andrew could imagine.

He was living it, and he was beginning to panic.

Look.

I'm a small guy, but I shit big.

I yelled for help.

I knew the girls were home.

Girls, help.

Lost in their endorphin-fueled revelry,

Andrew's roommates are oblivious to his desperate cries.

I just had my phone.

I like to look at penguin GIFs while I--

it relaxes me.

But Liz said that was gross, so I stopped doing it.

It's disgusting.

I mean, there are literally shit particles everywhere.

Your phone is covered in shit.

It's a shit phone.

But a shit phone that might have meant escape.

22 minutes have passed, and Andrew is

growing increasingly desperate.

There was nothing.

And then, salvation.

It wasn't much, but it was enough.

But Andrew's nightmare wasn't over.

In fact, it was only beginning.

Chilaquiles, chilaquiles, chilaquiles.

The unthinkable was happening--

an aftershock.

Second time's so much worse.

There was no way out.

But then I--

I saw it.

It had been in front of me the whole time.

It was like someone reached down from heaven and wiped my ass.

Changes you.

You know, haunts you.

There are things in life we take for granted.

And then one day, one day, it all comes blasting out.

It was a classic whac-a-mole, that when one went down,

another went up.

It was a combination of sexy lighting

and shiny black cloaks that made my job very hard.

With the orgy scene in "Eyes Wide Shut,"

it was my job to make sure that there wasn't a single erection

among 200 extras.

And extras very horny.

That's why they call them extras.

They're extra horny, you know?

Well, you know what a fluffer is, right?

The guy on porn sets whose job it is to make

sure the actors are erect.

I'm the opposite of that, a flatner.

I have never been able to really turn someone on.

For years, I thought something was wrong with me.

But when my fourth wife left me for being bad at touching,

it clicked.

You know, maybe I'm not here to turn someone on.

Maybe I'm here to turn people off.

My ability to deflate any sexual energy in the room

became my greatest strength.

There's no one way to flatten.

The way you approach a magic Mike

is different from a blue as the warmest color.

I like to keep it creative, you know?

Try out my Ace Ventura impression.

You know, you're all righty then.

Yeah.

You know, I ask people if they have gum over and over.

I reheat goulash.

Sometimes I just bring in a baby and let it

cry while I eat its baby food.

The Fifty Shades of Gray franchise

has always been a dream of mine.

I developed my first long-term flattening technique--

co-star hostility.

You know, the drama that you heard about between the two

of them?

I created that.

By the second week, they were only speaking

through their publicist.

The car drove itself.

Actors will tell you that shooting an on-screen sex scene

is the least sexy thing you can do.

It's because of me.

I'm Darryl Scrmmshaw, and I'm a flatner.

This couple's going to be good.

Older couples better than young couples, just my prediction.

This couple's young.

- This next one is? - This one next one--

It's the 19-year-olds who have a baby.

Oh, I thought we were doing Mame and Ross.

They're next.

Mame and Ross, they're going to be good.

That's my prediction. Yeah.

All right.

Hi.

Hi.

Alec.

How are you?

Hi, I'm Taylor.

Nice to meet you. - How are you?

It's Alec Baldwin.

Cody, dude.

Dude!

We're here in Pittsburgh.

Oh my god!

The story I heard is that you got pregnant,

and you wanted to have the baby, but you didn't.

Yeah, I never wanted kids.

You wanted to have sex, but you want to have kids?

- Oh, yeah-- - Yeah.

of course.

You are aware that having sex

does lead to children?

Were you using some contraception?

I was on birth control.

You are birth control and you got pregnant?

Yes, yeah.

The guy must have some very powerful sperm.

You didn't want to have children.

Yeah.

And then you found out you were pregnant.

And when you found you were pregnant,

you didn't want to have the baby?

I wanted to keep him.

I knew from the get go as soon as I found out.

That you would not terminate.

No.

You wanted to have the baby?

Yes.

When she told you she was pregnant, how did you feel?

I was jumping for joining me.

And you weren't intimidated or nervous or scared?

I was ready and prepped to be a dad.

Is this a Pittsburgh thing, by the way?

Young people having kids?

Like, everybody your age or people your age have kids?

- It's like a curse. - No.

It's a Pittsburgh curse. - It is?

You live near Pittsburgh--

All your friends are knocking each other up, too?

- Swear to God. - No!

Swear to God.

Yeah, I have three friends with babies.

She's got three friends with babies.

And just with it every chick I went to high school with

is now pregnant.

Why do you think that is?

It's simple, powerful sperm in Pittsburgh

and good looking women.

Pittsburgh is the city of champions.

Pittsburgh has championships on every level--

Steelers, sperm.

Or Penguin.

Penguins.

The Pirates have a nice stadium.

OK, let's leave it at that.

Does your baby have a girlfriend yet?

Um--

You can skip that one.

Yeah.

Trivia question for them, how many

bridges does Pittsburgh have?

How many bridges does the city of Pittsburgh have?

A lot. Tick tock.

Tick tock. - 21--

- Eight. - that's a total guess.

21, eight.

The answer, believe it or not, legitimate, real answer,

is 446 bridges.

Shut the up, Judah.

No, that's true.

It's 100% true.

446 bridges.

Says that she smacked him before.

Is there any physical abuse in your relationship?

Number two, who is the abuser and who is the abused?

And what do you believe in your heart

should be done about that?

Now, if she says yes, she's joking.

You just stay out of this for now.

Everybody turn around and reveal.

There is no physical abuse.

You said, yes.

Mm-hmm.

And you abuse him.

Yeah.

She has--

Clocked you a couple of times.

- She did. - You wrote, no.

Why?

Because you want to pretend it doesn't exist?

Yes.

OK.

It hurts my manhood.

No, I mean, I know why she did strike me.

Why?

We were in a fight and I called her the C-word.

You called her a Charlottesville Hornets fan?

You do realize that if a man

physically struck you, he'd be in handcuffs today.

You know that, don't you? - Yeah.

Even if a woman strikes a man, that could be.

You think it's different when a man strikes a woman?

No.

I'm trying to get you

to think about things that are going

to help you last long term.

Physically striking each other is not a good idea.

Now, I want you to look at each other.

Don't look at her like you're-- like, oh, you're leaning back.

Lean in. You're in love, right?

Yeah.

I want you to say, I'm going to do my best--

I'm going to do my best--

-to not make you angry--

to not make you angry--

-so you don't hit me again.

so you don't hit me again.

And you're going to say, I'm going to do my best--

I'm going to do my best--

-not to hit you again.

not to hit you again.

Because that's not going to be good for your child

to see that. - No.

Save the hitting for the Pittsburgh Penguins.

You're not going to get along.

I'm so in love with my wife.

I love her more than anything.

And then there's like-- there's like, 30 minutes, like,

every other week. It's not that often.

But in that 30 minutes-- it's very real--

I want to throw my wife off a cliff.

Right.

You guys have a real opportunity.

She's a fabulous woman.

So now you have a family.

Now, you have a son, which is a beautiful thing.

You guys are making me cry.

Come here.

You guys are--

I'm like, look at this.

I love you.

You're so goddamn lucky.

Get out of my car.

You're making me puke.

Is he still in?

He's been at it for days?

We must do something.

If you won't, I will.

No, don't!

Teenagers are tweeting about "Star Wars."

I must break them.

BB-8, a smooth rolling metallic sphere would have

skidded uncontrollably in sand.

Maybe you'd like to go out tonight, sir.

Nay.

A little girl just posted a drawing of herself

flying a kite in space.

Preposterous.

I need her to know she's wrong.

But it's Twitter.

Aren't people allowed to post anything?

Why go after them?

People like you want to remark on pop culture

and correct people online and ruin fun little things.

They really just like your scientific insight.

What would you have me do?

Just tweet about astrophysics and oversee

the world-renowned Hayden Planetarium?

Yeah.

And host "Cosmos," my highly rated

and critically acclaimed prime time

TV show that pays me very well?

Yeah.

And enjoy time with my lovely wife

and two beautiful children--

Yeah.

and drink wine from my huge collection and hang

out with my famous friends?

Yep.

And be graceful about the fact that not everyone

has had as much training as me and might just be confused?

Yeah.

And understand that being so condescending online

might cause fewer people to express an interest in science

for fear of being ridiculed?

Yeah.

And realize that deep down this isn't the real me

and that I'm just caught up in the retweets

and the likes and the fleeting attention

that social media brings.

Yeah.

And recognize that forcing James Cameron to redo the sky

in the "Titanic" movie so that it matches the real sky

that victims would have seen at that exact longitude

and latitude at that point in history is insane.

And a real thing I did, and a sign that I've really got

to get my priorities straight?

Precisely.

Yes!

Now, you've got it.

Or-- and hear me out--

I could just get on Snapchat and make funny videos

that ruin Harry Potter--

Now, get his laptop and hide it somewhere good this time.

Fine, but he always finds it.

I'm going to get fired, aren't I?

Yeah, you just assaulted him.

You hit him in the head with a wine bottle--

in the head.

Creaking doors, clanking pots.

The other day, I saw a face in the oven, like a real face,

like an apparition of a face.

Last night I was going to bed, and I

just heard like, a toddler singing,

like a whisper-type thing.

Was the child singing a particular song?

Oh, I once knew a girl.

Or should I say she once knew me.

"Norwegian Wood" by the Beatles.

I've never even heard the Beatles.

And all this makes you think your backhouse is haunted?

We'll I've also been waking up with these huge scratches

across my body.

Oh, fuck.

It's actually worse on the other side.

Is it bad?

Yes, it's bad.

It's bleeding.

I thought it was being dramatic.

I've been a paranormal investigator for 10 years.

I've never seen an indication of a haunting like this.

I think the best course of action at this point

is to set up some cameras, and we'll

monitor the backhouse over the course of a full night.

OK.

So is the backhouse haunted?

No.

You're just a garbage person.

You got that from watching this?

The only thing I can't figure out

is how you got the scratches down your body.

Oh, you know, what that part's coming up?

Oh, god.

Sometimes I like to scratch myself at the base of my shaft

because it makes me feel alive when I masturbate.

Don't ever call me again.

What if I see more evidence of a haunting?

That dude was tight.

My name's Ian Maplethorn.

I'm a paranormal investigator, real estate

broker, tenancy authority by day,

paranormal investigator by night.

Sorry.

These are my stories.