Original subtitles

OK.

So I really love you guys.

Unwanted.

It's a great band name.

Well, it's The Wanted.

The Wanted.

The Wanted.

Wanted for what?

Cutting pre-algebra?

My name's Janessa Slater and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of fans.

This is "Sound Advice."

My job is to consult on your image,

and it's interesting because you all have different images.

Max, you're the party guy.

You're the baby party guy.

You're the party guy with a girlfriend.

So it's like, ugh.

And Jay, you're the party guy with spectacular eyes.

He's got nice eyes.

Everyone talks about his eyes as well.

Jay's are piercing.

His are bigger.

Oh, and Ziva, you're the cartoon bad guy, so.

Rounding out the group.

So your new album is called "Word of Mouth," which

is very funny because I can't understand a word out

of any of your mouths.

Well, girls kind of dig our accents

becuase we're from Britain.

Tom, can I do an impression of what you sound like to me?

It might be better if you guys used

your real accents and not these ridiculous, blown up nonsense.

You know, talk like a human, you know what I mean?

These are our real accents.

What do you mean, talk like humans?

I have no idea what he just said.

So, Nathan, on a more serious note,

you recently had some surgery.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, was that to turn you into a real boy?

Um.

It's a Pinocchio joke.

You get it? - Yeah.

Turn you into a real boy.

Was that-- I'm a real boy.

Then turn you into a real--

So right now, I'm going to read some lyrics from one

of your songs, "I Found You," and then I'm going

to give you some feedback.

Yeah, go for it.

"I found you in my darkest hour.

I found you in the pouring rain.

I found you when I was on my knees."

I wish you guys would find a Thesaurus, all right?

What if it's just, I found you on Facebook,

blah, blah, blah, hit song, relevant.

The end.

Kind of ruined the poetry a little bit.

Yeah, maybe if there's a genre of poetry called gutter trash.

So you guys have this reality show on the E network,

"The Wanted Life."

Did you decide to do a reality show because you

want to be D-list celebrities?

What's going on here?

So basically, what you're saying

is you think that we're shitty musicians, there's only one

with good eyes, and that all we're good at is partying.

That's what you're saying, basically.

Yeah.

That's pretty much-- think you guys have learned a lot today.

this .

I'm done.

OK, well.

Cheers.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, can you sign my album for ebay.com?

you!

What do you think?

She's beautiful.

Thank you all for coming to Abby's surprise

birthday party.

I have a feeling this party will be ...

Why would you clap for that?

That was terrible.

Now, don't forget when Abby arrives, make sure you yell--

What?

All this for me?

Oh my god.

I am shocked.

Surprise.

Look at how shocked my face is!

Abi, who are these people?

Are you serious?

This is exactly who you told me to invite.

Lupe, the delivery guy from your favorite salad restaurant.

Derek, your most average employee.

Sweaty Pete from your old gym.

And your sidekick, Ms. Esme.

Your life will be all fine.

Who I'm pretty sure is not a real psychic.

God.

Why do they keep clapping?

Happy birthday, Ms. Young.

I got you this.

Oh, my favorite salad!

All onions, no lettuce, and extra ranch.

Ew.

I hate to say this, but I got to head out early.

I still have to deliver a ton of salads.

Oh, come on.

Just 15 more hours.

That's absolutely not going to happen.

Here's 20 bucks.

- Who wants free salads? - I'll take one.

Who wants them?

Is there one that's just lettuce,

carrots, and olive oil?

Ugh.

So average.

Happy birthday, Ms. Abby.

I have a feeling this year is going to be--

Let me guess, fine?

You are gifted in the ways of the Zodiac.

I'm just a really good guesser.

You know the secrets of the Zodiac.

Doesn't everyone?

Let me check.

No.

What are you doing?

My bra hurts.

Who cares?

No one's looking at me.

No, everyone's looking at you.

It's your party.

Also, you keep moving under that sign.

It's for attention.

God.

Oh, is it?

Come on, Abi.

It's my party and I'll cry.

If you want to?

What?

That's the rest of the lyric.

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to."

Oh.

I've been doing it wrong.

Attention, everyone.

Oh, great.

This guy.

I'd like to raise the glass to Ms. Young on her 25th birthday.

As Mark Twain once said, "sing like nobody's listening,

love like you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's

watching."

Bottoms up.

God, he sucks.

The worst.

Wait, I'm getting something.

I know, I know.

I'm going to be fine.

No, no, no.

You will live a short and horrible life.

Everyone you know will die, including you.

And when you die, an ugly dog will poop on your grave

every day until eternity.

Also, you have something behind your ear.

Was this your card?

It was.

You're good.

Goosebumps.

Do you think she was kidding?

Don't look at me.

The past, the present, the future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm psychic Emily Heller, and I'm sitting here

with comedian, author, and e-cigarette enthusiast Mosha

Kasher.

Hi, Mosha.

Hi, Emily.

Now, Have you ever gotten a reading before?

Yeah.

I got my first reading I guess in high school.

Oh.

We started with a Crowley deck, obviously.

That's everybody's first deck, I guess.

Moved on to the writer white.

And from there, I did do some dabbling in the etymology

of tarot, of course.

Tah from the ancient Egyptian, royal, and roh, meaning road.

What I want to figure out is--

I'm new to relationships, and I wanted

a basic love read-- are you not going to clear the space?

I'm sorry for the--

I cleared it before you got here.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- That's unusual. - Yeah.

So it's sufficient.

Right.

So I am new to--

so I'm new to romantic relationships,

and so I wanted a basic love reading

to see what things to expect.

Yeah.

Well, women are crazy, so that's one thing for free right now.

OK.

Doesn't feel really tarot.

It's just a tip.

A sexist tip.

Three of pentacles.

All right.

So that's the three of something.

Pentacles.

Pentacles.

Right.

Well, in my defense, the pentacles are normally yellow.

And on this one, that's not--

Of course, the pentacle is one of the most

famous iconographic symbols in all of religion, right?

So the color wouldn't really--

Um, I don't know if this is another interesting thing.

Did you know that there are some women

for whom being professionally threatened

is an irresistible turn on.

Hmm.

That's just like a fun--

Let's pull another card.

Did I show you my necklace?

No.

I've never seen any of your necklaces.

Got this one?

Oh, it said psychic, so I guess--

Oh, that's the wrong one.

Yeah, it says "horny."

OK.

I don't know if you want to do anything about that, or.

Emily, I have a girlfriend.

And beyond that, even you coming on to me in a tarot

reading when I'm this psychically vulnerable

is pretty inappropriate.

So you have a girlfriend?

I definitely do.

Well, that sounds great.

I'm really happy for you.

Let's figure out if it's going to work--

Thank you--

between you and what's-her-face.

The empress.

The empress.

My girlfriend's literally an empress.

She's officially the empress of Tobago based on family lineage.

That is so crazy.

God.

That's actually the card for the type of person

you should break up with, so.

You just said--

We're going to find out in this last card

whether things are going to work out with you and Trish.

You don't know her name.

Can I just draw this card already?

You always do this.

You know what?

I'm sorry.

I'm being nasty.

Just, whatever the card says, we'll follow it.

We'll find out if things are going

to work out with you and Trish.

Her name's not Trish.

The lovers.

Lovers.

Come on.

Well, I don't want this to be real,

but you must go to her now.

Yeah, I mean, I was going to go to her.

We have plans to get dinner right across the street.

I was going to go to her. - OK.

Fine.

That works too, I guess.

Hey, Emily.

I think you're a very talented tarot reader.

Thank you.

I've never heard that before.

Well, I don't really believe it,

but I really do feel uncomfortable right now.

OK.

I'm going to take this, I'm going to go meet my girlfriend.

Please don't.

You're a good kid Thank you.

Do you want to--

do you want to see my necklace again?

I'm here with my wingman Matt.

And I'm here with my wingman Ford.

And this is the show where we eat wings, talk about wings,

and sometimes the topics of the day.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

And today on this episode, we have our special guest,

Laura Willcox.

Hi.

Laura, thank you for coming on the show.

Thanks for having me.

I'm really excited.

And you're the first wing woman on the show, so.

Yeah.

We're happy to have you.

I speak for all women in America when I say, thank you.

Everyone ready to take the first bite.

Yeah, let's do it.

- I'm hungry. - Yeah.

Huh.

Hmm.

It smells like fettuccine Alfredo.

That's what they smell like.

You just that feel Italian influence.

Oh yeah.

Before we get to the main topic of discussion,

I would like to make a wingpology.

Yeah.

In episode two, season one of "Wingman,"

I mistakenly corrected one of our guests, Michael Antonucci.

He held up a wing and he just called it a wing,

and I corrected him and I said, oh, you mean the drumstick.

GEORGE BUSH (ON RECORDING):--regime

possesses biological and chemical weapons.

Now, as many commenters pointed out,

this is not a drumstick.

Right.

It's a drumette.

That's the correct terminology, and I didn't know that.

No.

Now, we've never claimed to be wing experts.

We're just wing fans.

Just wing fans.

But we do want to get the terms right when people correct us.

Yeah.

And I would just like to apologize,

number one, to any of our fans that were angry or upset.

I'm sorry.

I'd also like to apologize to Michael Antonucci

for incorrectly correcting him.

Yeah. You attacked him.

- Shouldn't have done that. - You attacked him.

I went over the line.

It takes a big wing man to admit when he's wrong.

Yeah.

Matt up.

There's a lot of non-drumettes in this pile.

That can launch us into our main topic of the day.

Do you prefer the drumette or the wingette?

So this is the wingette?

That's the wingette.

I like the wingette.

You like the wingette better?

Yeah.

I like it because I feel like there's more meat

and there's less possibility you're going to bite

into something surprising-- Mm-hmm.

and weird.

Like in a drumette.

Like a tendon or like some magical, mystery ...

Yeah.

Like, look at all this.

What is all of that?

No one's ever pulled something

out of the bone bucket before. - Yeah.

That's a "Wingman" first.

Yeah.

I'm all about breaking glass ceilings.

Mm-hmm. I agree with that.

I understand that.

I like a clean eating experience.

Yeah.

But I think the meat is better on the wingette.

Yeah.

I think it's more flavorful.

It's juicier.

Mm-hmm.

I think you're just getting a better bite of wing.

And for me, that's what it's all about.

So I have a question.

When you go out and you get a plate of wings--

Uh-huh.

Do you expect there to be an equal number

of drumettes and wingettes?

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like they usually are.

Yeah.

But what if we demanded more wingettes?

If we were like, hey, this group of people here,

we're wingette crazy. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

But then what happens to all the drumettes?

I guess they go the same way ...

Yeah.

But some idiot sitting next to us--

- Yeah. - Well, I don't mean to say--

I'm sorry. - There are plenty of--

- There are people out there-- - No.

Some idiot who prefers the drumettes, you're going

to eat the whole plate--

I think it's fine.

like a goddamn idiot.

But we need those idiots so that--

Yeah.

the smart people, like us, can get our wingettes.

A lot of people in the wing circles

are saying wingettes are worse because they

have double the bone.

Hmm.

So is that a burden or is that a bonanza?

Well, I don't know if it's a bonanza

because more bones are not a good thing for anyone,

unless you're like--

I would say that more bones equals more flavor.

So double the bones is double the flavor.

That's a good point.

Yeah.

It's also fun to throw the bones in the bucket.

So do you always break them apart like that?

- I like to, yeah. - Why?

Oh, so you can nibble. - Mm-hmm.

I do not--

You can get a little bit closer to the bone.

I don't use that.

I don't do that. - Wow.

I've never done that before.

Yeah.

I use my little teeth to pull out the--

Yeah, I just use my little tiny teeth--

Like a bird's beak.

Yeah.

So this is the final segment of the show.

This is where we talk about how many wings we crushed.

So, Laura, how many wings you crush?

I feel like I crushed 100.

Realistically, I feel like I crushed maybe 10.

That's a lot.

How many did we order?

That was 20 wings. So you--

Oh.

Then I feel like I contributed to a third of 20,

which, again, my SAT scores were low, so I don't know.

And I think this is a "Wingman" first.

We completely finished.

Finished.

That's an empty plate.

Sure, there's a little sauce there

and I'd love to shut it down, but I'm not going to.

And I think part of the reason why we have less is not that--

we were a little hungrier today, I think.

I think so.

But we also ordered less wings.

- Yeah. - Oh.

So we had less wings.

Did you order less because a woman was a guest on the show?

Oh god.

ADOLF HITLER

So, everybody, on the topic of wing versus drum,

or wingette verse drumette--

Mm-hmm.

I think we landed as a panel completely

on the side of wingette.

So until the next episode, just

remember, spread your wings.

Keep winging it.

want to get going?

.

Thank you so much for coming in, Orson.

You know what?

I think we got a bang bang double whammy,

a critical and commercial hit.

That's excellent news.

So as you have it now, this is in the very

early stages of writing, right?

A first draft?

No.

I was hoping that this would actually be the final draft.

Ooh. OK.

It's obvious this is one of your first movie scripts

because, clearly, you don't know how a movie works.

Let me show you.

Now, on page one, you start the movie

with the main character dying.

That's wrong.

That's the end of the movie.

Typically, the movie ends at the end of the movie.

Just make sure to fix that up.

We'd look like complete morons if we let that through.

Personally, I like that structural choice.

OK. Be quiet now.

All right.

So Charles Foster Kane.

We open on him.

His last words are "Rosebud."

Then we go all the way to the end of the script

when we find out that Rosebud is the name of his childhood sled?

We have a little money in on this.

Is that a type?

No.

Rosebud is his sled.

OK.

The problem I have as I'm reading

this shit smear, and the whole time

I'm wondering, who the fuck is Rosebud?

It's very distracting and annoying to not know

who Rosebud is.

He's got everything in the world,

but all he cares about is this stupid sled?

Yes, but over the course of the narrative,

we learn that he is most happiest at his childhood.

Mr. Wheels, I don't want to offend you,

but I've got to tell you, that's a very stupid idea.

Oh god.

See, that's what I was worried about,

that the movie was stupid. - What?

Oh yeah.

I've just never met anyone who likes sledding so much.

I know.

Is there something about sleds that I don't know?

I mean, it's just like a little dumb stick

you ride down a hill, right?

Why would he name this thing?

Who does that?

How are you going to make an audience like a guy

that's such a big loser?

What if Rosebud was something else?

Like a sexy woman with big cans.

Oh.

You can change her name to Rose. - Yes.

And that's who he's thinking about when he's dying.

That's good and creative.

I really think it needs to be about the sled.

Oh my fucking god.

No.

You know, fine.

Let's focus more on the sled.

Because as you have it, it's only

in the beginning and the end.

10-year-old Charles Foster Kane wants to be

a professional sledder when he grows up

but his parents won't let him.

Then at the end of the movie, you have a big sledding

competition, he wins the whole thing and we cut to the crowd,

and there are his parents, and they're really proud of him.

There. That's it.

That's your movie. Go write that.

That is so much better.

You know, I was worried there wasn't a wedding,

there wasn't a prom, there wasn't

a competition at the end of the script, and that's what I need.

That sounds a lot funnier than what you have.

My script isn't supposed to be fun.

What are you talking about?

It's about a grown man wants to be a kid so he can ride

in his stupid sled all day.

People are going to be laughing at him a lot.

OK.

Let's forget about the sled.

Thank god.

It's really about that moment in his childhood.

I like that.

Focus on the kid.

Kid Kane.

Candy Kane, because he's a kid who's obsessed with candy.

- Right. - There you go.

And both with K's. Both with K's.

Kandy Kane.

Holidays, jingle bells.

Oh my gosh.

That's just not the right direction for this project.

OK, fine.

He can have a bunch of stupid sleds.

There. Are you happy?

I don't even think you like my script.

That's the smartest thing you said all day.

The more I've talked about it, the more

I've learned to hate it. - We're just trying to help.

No one in the world is going to make

your stupid sled movie, OK?

Get out of here.

Now go.

You want to get out?

We stopped talking, so you should just leave.

Just leave the place.

We're actually very sleepy.

We're going to go to bed.

There are millions of stories in the world.

Some are the lullaby of your sweet aunt Elmer,

some are about vampires or werewolves or some shit,

and others can only be told from the trunk of a car.

This is one of those stories.

Demon, I cast you back through

the ages from whence you came!

Oh, watch out it's gonna puke!

Oh god!

Forgive me, Father.

Ah!

You know, babe.

You've been acting so strange since we got this car.

Come on.

I want to go eat.

I make turkey tetrazzini.

I'm sick of noodles!

This one's a real fixer upper.

Found it in the woods a couple of weeks back.

That's where I found her.

Uh, we met at a frat party.

You kill me.

Young love.

All right, well, I'll tell you what.

I'll take it.

I can fix anything. - Great.

Including her bad moods, right?

- Oh, you. - Woo.

That's going to cost extra.

I hope to God no one ever fixes this car.

No, Corey.

How long you think it's been here?

- I don't know. - Ooh.

A book bound in human flesh.

How do you know it's human flesh?

It feels like a handshake.

Oh.

Maybe we should read it to Josh tonight.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, I found this skull cap.

And this skull.

What?

Maybe if I leave this cursed book bound

by the flesh of my friend in this demonic trunk,

they'll cancel each other out.

Or maybe they won't!

I don't know!

I'm so scared!

Yo, man.

I'm not scared.

I'm a documentary filmmaker.

I'll take it.

You should be.

I'm an old, creepy man selling you an old, creepy car.

Plus, I don't have a pulse and I don't--

I said I'll take it.

You know, I think you killed him.

No.

We just got to throw him in the trunk.

He'll come back to life like my cat did.

Yay.

Mr. Whiskers, you in there?

All right.

Hey, didn't that old Chinese guy say not to fill

this thing up after midnight?

Yeah.

And that old French guy said we look stupid in these berets.

He was wrong. - Yeah.

Want to go to IHOP? - gas.

she's like, you get a car, and you get a car,

and you get a car--

I got this car for free.

Was Gail there?

- So this passed inspection? - Yep.

Number 666.

And we never found those ancient Indian artifacts?

No.

No idea where they went. - Weird.

Did you ever patch things up with your wife?

Eh, you know.

Check It out.

Whoa.

Pure steel from Hitler's bunker.

What are you going to do with it?

Melt it down and sell it.

Steel's steel.

Steel is steel.

Yeah.