Original subtitles

Portrait Stu Stu Studio.

That's great.

Let's just see if we can get that.

Yeah, oh, oh, OK.

You guys look great. You look great.

How are you feelin? - Uh.

OK.

Alan, why don't you try holding her hand?

Why don't we-- - The-- Han--

On her hand?

Yeah.

Alan, it looks like you're trying to break her hand.

Dude, sorry.

I don't feel like I'm very good at this.

You're doing fine. Let's breathe.

Let's breathe.

Relax.

All right, let's do this.

Emily, how did Alan over here propose to you?

Oh.

OK, great.

Here's what I want, OK?

I want you guys to re-enact the proposal.

Really?

Are you sure?

100%, Stu?

Oh, I love it.

Let's go for it.

OK.

What do you mean you're pregnant?

I mean, there's a baby inside.

You wanted this.

You tricked me.

I had so many plans for my life that didn't include a baby.

Like what?

Jumping off buildings with your parkour club, Alan?

Is that your plan?

It's a team.

It is a parkour team.

Whatever. You run up.

And then you fall.

We're undefeated.

You don't go against anybody.

You have three NordicTracks.

So what?

That's not what I look like, Alan.

Why would you have that?

Stop it.

What should I wear to a wedding?

Oh, I know.

Tevas and socks, Tevas and socks.

My feet need to breathe.

You're still wearing socks.

I hope that baby is so Asian.

Jiffy Lube and Valvoline are the same thing.

I get hassled at Jiffy Lube.

Fine, Alan.

You know what?

Shave your own back.

I am anemic, a nemic.

We could get a Groupon.

I told you, no more Groupons.

We have so many dinners left to eat.

Maybe we should go to Mexico.

I would love to go to Mexico.

Well, then go to Mexico, Alan.

Go to Mexico.

And then maybe they can tell you how to pull out correctly.

No.

This is exactly why I said we needed to use protection.

But we didn't.

You said we needed to.

But we didn't.

I know we didn't.

But I bought-- I bought a brand new box of rubbers.

I put them by the bed stand and I said, we need this.

And then you romanced me.

Oh, Alan.

You romanced me.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

You said, and I quote, "I want to feel that skin

against my inside skin.

And I want to feel it now."

- No, no, no, no, no, don't. - OK, so--

No way. Don't cry.

Don't cry. Don't cry.

I didn't--

It's just--

I always thought that I would get

married before I had a baby.

Really?

Well, we can do that.

Really?

Yes, I would have done that anyway.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Emily, will you marry me?

Yeah.

We found it.

What did you find?

The picture.

It was he was perfect.

Oh, he thought you found a treasure.

Thank you, guys.

That was wonderful.

Portrait Stu Stu studio.

Wait, no, wait, wait, please, spare my life.

I am no ordinary turkey.

I am a prince.

I was kidnapped from my kingdom, taken to a warehouse.

They pilfered my coat.

Stole my many, many rubies.

I do not belong here.

I am royalty.

If you kill me, you will suffer great consequences.

No, please don't.

I'm serious.

I'm totally serious.

I'm a turkey prince.

All my life, I gobbled and ruled over the poultry peasants

with one mission at heart, that humans and turkeys

could live in perfect harmony.

Imagine a world where bird and man

sit at the same table, a world where turkeys can-- uh, uh.

I'm going to have fun with somebody today.

I'm going to sit there and go, do you know who Greg Bello is?

I just made a movie with Greg Bello, the actor.

You've seen his movies, right?

You know that movie I'm talking about?

You do know it.

I love when people disagree with you.

He was in Noah.

And he had that, like, incredible speech.

He's on the cliff.

And the ocean's crashing.

He's roaring at the gods.

You know who I'm talking about?

Dude, I got my motivation now.

Let's go, rolling.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Mandy. - Alec.

John.

How are you doing?

Mandy and John.

This is my friend, Greg.

This guy is one of the hottest actors in Hollywood.

Did you see the movie Noah?

Yes.

Greg had that scene where he's like, you know, why

have you done this to me God?

Did you see that?

It was a great scene, wasn't it?

He's a great actor.

What kind of work you're doing now?

I'm a mechanic.

Car mechanic?

Because I'm one of those guys that you thrive on which is,

I'm so busy.

I don't know shit about cars.

Forgive my language.

And I hand my car over to somebody.

And the guy is like, oh, Mr. Baldwin, that's $1,800.

Dollars And they really just go, chhh.

Not you.

You're an honest mechanic.

Try to be.

What does that mean, try to be an honest mechanic?

Why not just be honest?

What's keeping you from actually just being honest?

You try not to.

Right.

How's it going between the two of you?

How's life right now? - Awesome.

It's our anniversary, our first anniversary.

It's your anniversary?

So tell me about you. It's your what anniversary?

Our first anniversary, again.

No, no, no, wait a second.

Well, we were married for 17 years.

And we got divorced for--

So you got literally divorced.

Changed my name, everything.

How long did that last?

Maybe a year.

What's been better, the marriage or the divorce?

When you were divorced, did you run around

and have a good time?

Yeah, she left so yes.

She left.

So you slept with every woman in the Pittsburgh phone directory.

Yeah, it's 412, 724 area code.

You did.

When you split up, why did you split up?

I went with somebody else.

You traded up?

I thought so.

But I was so very wrong.

What did he do?

He was a car salesman.

You left a a mechanic for a car salesman?

She bought into that bullshit.

That's painful, man.

I did.

That hurts so bad.

It wasn't the right choice.

That hurts.

That hurts.

Now, you left for a period of time.

And then what was happening?

Like, you're with the other guy. And you started seeing yourself.

You missed him?

He is able to fix anything.

He pays attention to me he does whatever.

And the other guy did what?

He worked like 70 hours a week.

The attraction that made you go was what?

He was what?

A good talker.

And he was around.

You stuck around.

Well, we have children.

Oh, you guys have kids together.

So who communicated to who that there

was, as we say, "rapprochement" that you wanted

to get back together again.

She--

He was always texting me for all the whole time.

Whenever you're ready.

John seems like a great guy.

How could you leave him?

I don't know.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

I think you take people for granted when

you're around them for so long.

But you were texting her the whole time?

Well, yeah.

What would you text her?

How's douchebag doing today?

Yeah, right.

So the kids kind of kept you in each other's orbit.

Yes.

And while you were in each other's orbit

and she's off with someone else and you're banging everybody

in the Pittsburgh phone directory, you make your move

and you say to her, I want us to get back together again.

I let her know, I was like, you know I'll always love you,

you know.

I think John is a true mechanic.

He fixes cars and he fixes relationships.

If you don't mind my asking.

Just give us the first name.

What was Slick Willie's real name?

Randy.

Randy, of course his name was Randy.

Every guy named Randy is a douchebag.

Can't trust a guy named Randy.

You know anybody named Randy you can trust?

Absolutely not.

When people say to me, they're separating.

It's usually over.

But you guys did reconcile.

And it's really powerful.

What gave you the courage to take her back?

It's where she belongs.

Why do you think you didn't move on?

Most men--

Because I met a bunch of 40-some-year-old wacky women.

Really?

Give me the cone.

All right, this is the cone of silence.

We take that, put that over your head.

Put that on you.

Did you have crazy sex with these women?

Some of them.

Way to go, John.

John, I'm proud of you.

God, I'm proud of you.

Did you learn any new sexual things with these women?

Yeah, no diseases either.

No, so you got out of there unscathed.

Unscathed.

I am proud of you.

You can't hear us in there, can you?

I can't hear a thing.

You can't hear a thing in the cone of silence.

What lessons would you share with other people

about what you learned?

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

You should definitely be happy with what you have.

Like, hesitate before you pull the trigger and think you're

going to jump. - Yes.

What about you?

Don't settle for what's not right.

You know what you want.

Get it.

Are you single, by any chance?

I'm not, no.

Hi, are you single?

No.

Yes, can I wear one of your hats?

What's if for?

I think you should wear this one.

OK, did you make it?

Hello, and welcome to the Dating Show slash Cabaret,

where you can find love and see me in ornate headwear

with my designer--

Darryl Thorn.

Daryl Thorn doesn't F around, bitches.

Hey sir, would you like to be a part of a dating game?

I'm work.

I'm on the clock.

Can I have a bite of your cake?

You want a piece?

I'll give you a whole piece of cake.

No, just a bite.

Thank you.

- You're welcome. - All right, man.

Have a good day.

All right, so we've just brought up

all of our contestants from the street.

The bachelorette has not yet seen any of the bachelors.

She's going to ask the men a series of questions.

And based on their answers, will pick her favorite.

By the end of the show,

you'll be able to take out your phones and delete Tinder.

All right, let's get started, gentlemen.

Let's meet our bachelorette.

What is your name?

Melissa.

Melissa, what a beautiful name for a beautiful woman.

Melissa, where are you from?

Malaysia.

Malaysia, wonderful.

You OK?

Culture.

Melissa, we have some wonderful gentlemen

on the other side of this curtain for you.

Dave, would you mind introducing them to us?

Not at all.

Bachelor number one, where are you from?

New York City.

Bachelor number two, where are you from?

I'm from Venice Beach.

Bachelor number three, where are you from?

I'm from San Luis Obispo, California.

It sounds like you're making that place up.

If you had to pick me up without using words,

how would that sound?

Bachelor number three.

Psst, Psst.

Bachelor number two.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Are you picking Melissa up or a Dolphin?

Bachelor number one.

What are you trying to convey with that whistle?

She's a beautiful dove, of course.

Oh.

Oh, nice.

We're very excited to be here.

Anytime someone says something too smooth, I spin it up.

I like a man who can sell me things.

Sell me this pencil like a guy from the 1920s.

You're weird.

I have the pencil, actually.

Bachelor number three, we're going to start with you.

OK.

Sell this pencil as if you're a man from the 1920s.

What are you saying, old sport?

You need a pencil, meh. I don't know.

Was that like--?

That was pretty perfect.

I liked it a lot.

I don't know what the "meh" was at the end.

No, that's 1920s.

They do that a lot.

You see, this is a pencil, you see.

And it's really good for writing down a lot of things,

you know, if you had to take notes,

if I ever want to sketch it down,

you little beautiful figure there, you know.

I just got to get it down really nice with this number two

pencil.

You can't go wrong with the number two,

you know what I'm saying?

Wow, I felt like I was transported.

Can I show you guys something cool?

Hold that.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Why did you do that?

That's the only thing I can break.

I'm not very strong.

Do your best impression of a shy sheep.

Bachelor number 3 is volunteering to go first.

Let the record show.

Bah, bah, bah, bah.

Bachelor number two.

Bah, bah.

Bachelor number one, ma, ma, ma, ma.

- That's the best I got. - That was actually the best.

- That was pretty good. - That was the best one.

You don't decide. She decides.

That's true.

Who's your favorite dictator?

And why?

Oh, interesting.

Who's your favorite dictator and why?

I'm going to have to go with Kim Jong IL on that one.

All right, bachelor number two.

I really don't have a favorite dictator.

But I love Kurt Cobains.

Bachelor number three, who's your favorite dictator?

I'm still going to go with a strong Vladimir Putin answer.

I think the man does what he wants.

Well, Melissa, we've heard from three very different,

interesting bachelors, one or two of which

may be very, very inebriated.

Which of these three gentlemen would you

like to go out on a date with.

I think I'm going to have to go with number one.

He was really smooth.

Number one was really smooth.

He was smooth.

I'm pretty excited about that.

Bachelor number one, what's your name?

Jordan.

Jordan, go meet your lady.

Say hello, yes.

Oh, yes,

Real connection.

We do have one other tradition when we bring

a couple like this together.

We like to share the first dance with you.

If you guys would just assume the position of the dance?

I don't dance.

- Oh, you don't dance. - Oh, OK.

Dave, would you mind dancing with him?

Yeah, just so--

We need some-- We need to end with dancing so--

All right.

Here we go, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

All right.

That was great, guys. - Great.

Yeah.

All right.

Melissa, we want to thank you for being a great contestant.

We want to thank all the gentlemen

for being great bachelors.

Yeah, you guys were great.

And we hope that you guys will join us again

for another episode of "Love Matching."

So then I was eating cookie dough in my closet

and I was like, uh, you're definitely a closet eater.

I ate dinner on the toilet the other day.

Does that make me a toilet eater?

No, it just means you're really efficient with time.

Oh, thanks.

Do you want a bite of this apple?

No, no I do not.

That is disgusting.

Why is it disgusting?

Because you put your mouth over it.

Then you get all your like mouth insides and mouth jizz

all over it.

It's very sexual and very intimate.

And I am not about that life.

But we share food all the time.

Yeah. But that's different.

Apples are different.

They're disgusting.

They're sensual.

They're sexual.

They're like, intimate.

Just take a bite.

Please, just take a bite.

Sherry, is that you?

Oh, Jay, hi.

It's been forever.

Yeah.

You looked really great eating that apple.

Thanks.

Do you want to go to my apartment?

You want to have dinner sometime?

Yeah, we could have dinner.

- Have sex. - Yeah, OK.

I'd love to.

You have no choice.

What about me?

We could all hang out for a while.

And then we could have sex later.

I don't mind.

No, we got to go.

This apple has juiced me up.

Ew.

Got to go, girl.

Bye.

Let's do it.

Can I get you anything else?

Yes, all of the apples, all dem apples.

Nicki will fuck tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, ha, ha, ah.

Oh, I'm not paying that.

Stephen D'Souza, thank you so much for coming in.

Sorry your writing partner couldn't be here with you.

But we only have one chair.

That's fine.

"Die Hard" is great.

But we do have a few suggestions on how to make "Die

Hard" not so hard to watch.

Sure.

Page one, we start in an airplane, which I love.

Not a bad place to start an action-packed adventure.

But you decide to take us out of there

and bring us right to a boring, dumb office building, yawn.

She yawned when she read that part in the script,

which is why she said yawn now.

Then we're just stuck in this office building

for the whole action movie.

I don't think you understand what action means.

Action means, ha, da, da, da, da, da.

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Playing tennis, I'm playing tennis with my mom.

That's what action is.

You watch James Bond, do you get chase scenes.

You get bad guys' secret lairs, private islands

with a tiny man.

I thought the containment would add to the suspense

and the excitement. - Oh, you know what?

I totally get where you're coming from.

But you're wrong.

So let's just make sure we get in some sexy, exotic locations

like the Bahamas or Florida.

You've also got a big mix up with your main character,

John McClain.

Audiences are not going to be on board with this guy.

First of all, you've got him wearing a dirty little shirt

and no shoes.

If we're going to have people paying actual money to see

this, why don't we start him out in a fresh blouse

and some loafers, please?

Not to mention that he freaks out all the time

and he talks like a child, yippee ki ya ya mother effer.

It was meant to be funny.

So, I guess we could change some of the jokes.

Maybe instead of joking around the whole time,

you could get a little serious like a real man.

Like Hans Gruber, the character who you wrongly

made the bad guy in this script.

Oh, my God, I love Hans Gruber.

He's just so fashionable.

And he's foreign.

And he's got a goatee.

And he's British or German.

I can never really tell.

Either way, he's a dreamboat.

John is meant to be a little bit

more American and blue collar.

And these characters are based on a novel.

And that's where you as the adaptor should say,

I'm going to change this entirely

and just make it better.

So Hans is in, me, I wish.

That's how you write a joke.

That's a joke.

John McClain is out, thank God.

That yippee ki poopy whatever.

Yeah.

We all know a suave and sexy hero needs a buddy.

How about a young, sexy, busty blonde with some big yippee

ki yayas?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

That's exciting.

And it'll keep viewers eyes on the screen, where they belong.

The goal has always been the same,

keep the eyes on the bingos and the mind

off the quality of the film.

And instead of having her being

stuck outside like chunky, I don't know how to use a gun,

wrong.

Have her on the inside, back-to-back with Hans Gruber?

Or bingo to bingo.

That's great.

Then we can get rid of that old, dumpy exwife.

I mean, how old is she, farty?

What is she, farty?

Is she farty five?

Blonde is in.

Chubby and wife are gone.

And you know what?

Those are all the changes that we want.

Good job.

All right, I'll see what I can do.

Oh, and also, don't have this take place during Christmas.

That's tasteless.

Have it take place during, I don't know, Hanukkah.

Also change the name of the movie.

Then you can do whatever you want with your little script,

as long as you add in all these changes

and don't add any of your own.

Now turn around.

I want to pat your bottom.

Give me that pink bottom.

Job well done, pat, pat, pat.

I think I'm going to take my movie someplace else.

How are you leaving?

We said we like this.

OK, OK, you know what?

Let's compromise.

All right, we can keep the explosions.

And, you know, we can keep the explosions.

Ah. - You know what?

I'm glad he left because we couldn't

keep any of those explosions.

Oh, is this the rough cut?

It's the fine cut.

Oh, OK, nice.

Good work.

Whoa, someone had sex last night.

- Ben, come on. - Sorry.

Yeah.

Did you think Sarah had a one night stand?

She probably just hasn't changed her clothes since yesterday.

OK, I had a one night stand, Haley.

I don't know why.

It was terrible.

Why do I keep having casual sex when I know

what I want as a relationship?

Because you're a Hufflepuff who's

pretending to be a Slytherin.

Nice.

Yeah.

Did you just sort me into my Harry Potter sex house?

I am not a Hufflepuff.

In life, you're a Gryffindor.

Thank you.

Your sex house is Hufflepuff.

OK, I am not a Hufflepuff.

No one admits what their sex house is, you know?

Like Ben doesn't tell the girls that he's

just looking to hook up with them

and never talk to him again.

I'm a Slytherin.

Yeah, and like Haley, when the guys go out with her,

they think that they're in for like a wild night

when really, like, she's not going to do anything.

What's your house?

I'm a Gringotts goblin protecting my gold.

Me, I tell Beth that I'm super happy with our sex life

when really, I know that I could be doing better

if I just did more research.

You are such a Ravenclaw.

Shout out to Rowena, yeah.

OK, fine.

I'm a Hufflepuff, OK?

I'm a sexual Hufflepuff.

So what do I do?

How do I find other Hufflepuffs if nobody

says what their sex house is?

Should I put Hufflepuff in my Tinder profile?

- Definitely don't do that. - Sarah, absolutely not.

It has not worked for me.

Oh, why can I just be Slytherin?

It'd be so much easier.

Your sex house chooses you.

You're a wizard, Sarah.

Sorry, Harry Potter was on this weekend

and I watched all of it.

I mean, it's amazing.

You do that every weekend.

Every weekend. I love it.

- I would watch it every night. - Weird.

It's so good.

Guys, do you have any notes on that cut?

Hey, someone had sex last night.

Ben.

Ben.

I got, I got to stop that. Sorry.

It's weird.

Alec, do you have like a Harry Potter sex house?

Voldemort.

What the does that mean?

Probably butt stuff?

Yeah.