All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E10.I.Put.Them.by.the.Bedstand.and.I.Said.We.Need.This.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Portrait
Stu Stu Studio.

That's great.

Let's just see if
we can get that.

Yeah, oh, oh, OK.

You guys look great.
You look great.

How are you feelin?
- Uh.

OK.

Alan, why don't you
try holding her hand?

Why don't we--
- The-- Han--

On her hand?

Yeah.

Alan, it looks like you're
trying to break her hand.

Dude, sorry.

I don't feel like I'm
very good at this.

You're doing fine.
Let's breathe.

Let's breathe.

Relax.

All right, let's do this.

Emily, how did Alan over
here propose to you?

Oh.

OK, great.

Here's what I want, OK?

I want you guys to
re-enact the proposal.

Really?

Are you sure?

100%, Stu?

Oh, I love it.

Let's go for it.

OK.

What do you mean
you're pregnant?

I mean, there's a baby inside.

You wanted this.

You tricked me.

I had so many plans for my life
that didn't include a baby.

Like what?

Jumping off buildings with
your parkour club, Alan?

Is that your plan?

It's a team.

It is a parkour team.

Whatever.
You run up.

And then you fall.

We're undefeated.

You don't go against anybody.

You have three NordicTracks.

So what?

That's not what I
look like, Alan.

Why would you have that?

Stop it.

What should I wear to a wedding?

Oh, I know.

Tevas and socks,
Tevas and socks.

My feet need to breathe.

You're still wearing socks.

I hope that baby is so Asian.

Jiffy Lube and Valvoline
are the same thing.

I get hassled at Jiffy Lube.

Fine, Alan.

You know what?

Shave your own back.

I am anemic, a nemic.

We could get a Groupon.

I told you,
no more Groupons.

We have so many
dinners left to eat.

Maybe we should go to Mexico.

I would
love to go to Mexico.

Well, then go to Mexico, Alan.

Go to Mexico.

And then maybe they can tell
you how to pull out correctly.

No.

This is exactly why I said
we needed to use protection.

But we didn't.

You said we needed to.

But we didn't.

I know we didn't.

But I bought-- I bought a
brand new box of rubbers.

I put them by the bed stand
and I said, we need this.

And then you romanced me.

Oh, Alan.

You romanced me.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

You said, and I quote,
"I want to feel that skin

against my inside skin.

And I want to feel it now."

- No, no, no, no, no, don't.
- OK, so--

No way.
Don't cry.

Don't cry.
Don't cry.

I didn't--

It's just--

I always thought
that I would get

married before I had a baby.

Really?

Well, we can do that.

Really?

Yes, I would have
done that anyway.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Emily, will you marry me?

Yeah.

We found it.

What did you find?

The picture.

It was he was perfect.

Oh, he thought you
found a treasure.

Thank you, guys.

That was wonderful.

Portrait Stu Stu studio.

Wait, no, wait, wait,
please, spare my life.

I am no ordinary turkey.

I am a prince.

I was kidnapped from my
kingdom, taken to a warehouse.

They pilfered my coat.

Stole my many, many rubies.

I do not belong here.

I am royalty.

If you kill me, you will
suffer great consequences.

No, please don't.

I'm serious.

I'm totally serious.

I'm a turkey prince.

All my life, I gobbled and
ruled over the poultry peasants

with one mission at heart,
that humans and turkeys

could live in perfect harmony.

Imagine a world
where bird and man

sit at the same table, a world
where turkeys can-- uh, uh.

I'm going to have fun
with somebody today.

I'm going to sit there and go,
do you know who Greg Bello is?

I just made a movie with
Greg Bello, the actor.

You've seen his movies, right?

You know that movie
I'm talking about?

You do know it.

I love when people
disagree with you.

He was in Noah.

And he had that, like,
incredible speech.

He's on the cliff.

And the ocean's crashing.

He's roaring at the gods.

You know who I'm talking about?

Dude, I got my motivation now.

Let's go, rolling.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Mandy.
- Alec.

John.

How are you doing?

Mandy and John.

This is my friend, Greg.

This guy is one of the
hottest actors in Hollywood.

Did you see the movie Noah?

Yes.

Greg had that scene where
he's like, you know, why

have you done this to me God?

Did you see that?

It was a great
scene, wasn't it?

He's a great actor.

What kind of work
you're doing now?

I'm a mechanic.

Car mechanic?

Because I'm one of those guys
that you thrive on which is,

I'm so busy.

I don't know shit about cars.

Forgive my language.

And I hand my car
over to somebody.

And the guy is like, oh,
Mr. Baldwin, that's $1,800.

Dollars And they
really just go, chhh.

Not you.

You're an honest mechanic.

Try to be.

What does that mean, try
to be an honest mechanic?

Why not just be honest?

What's keeping you from
actually just being honest?

You try not to.

Right.

How's it going
between the two of you?

How's life right now?
- Awesome.

It's our anniversary,
our first anniversary.

It's
your anniversary?

So tell me about you.
It's your what anniversary?

Our first anniversary, again.

No, no, no, wait a second.

Well, we were
married for 17 years.

And we got divorced for--

So you got literally divorced.

Changed my name, everything.

How long did that last?

Maybe a year.

What's been better, the
marriage or the divorce?

When you were divorced,
did you run around

and have a good time?

Yeah, she left so yes.

She left.

So you slept with every woman in
the Pittsburgh phone directory.

Yeah, it's 412, 724 area code.

You did.

When you split up,
why did you split up?

I went with somebody else.

You traded up?

I thought so.

But I was so very wrong.

What did he do?

He was a car salesman.

You left a a mechanic
for a car salesman?

She bought into that bullshit.

That's painful, man.

I did.

That hurts so bad.

It wasn't
the right choice.

That hurts.

That hurts.

Now, you
left for a period of time.

And then what was happening?

Like, you're with the other guy.
And you started seeing yourself.

You missed him?

He is able to fix anything.

He pays attention to
me he does whatever.

And the other guy did what?

He worked like
70 hours a week.

The attraction that
made you go was what?

He was what?

A good talker.

And he was around.

You stuck around.

Well, we have children.

Oh, you guys
have kids together.

So who
communicated to who that there

was, as we say,
"rapprochement" that you wanted

to get back together again.

She--

He was always texting
me for all the whole time.

Whenever you're ready.

John seems like a great guy.

How could you leave him?

I don't know.

It was the biggest
mistake of my life.

I think you take
people for granted when

you're around them for so long.

But you were texting
her the whole time?

Well, yeah.

What would you text her?

How's douchebag doing today?

Yeah, right.

So the kids kind of kept
you in each other's orbit.

Yes.

And while you
were in each other's orbit

and she's off with someone else
and you're banging everybody

in the Pittsburgh phone
directory, you make your move

and you say to her, I want us
to get back together again.

I let her know, I was like,
you know I'll always love you,

you know.

I think John is
a true mechanic.

He fixes cars and he
fixes relationships.

If you don't mind my asking.

Just give us the first name.

What was Slick
Willie's real name?

Randy.

Randy, of course
his name was Randy.

Every guy named
Randy is a douchebag.

Can't trust a guy named Randy.

You know anybody named
Randy you can trust?

Absolutely not.

When people say to
me, they're separating.

It's usually over.

But you guys did reconcile.

And it's really powerful.

What gave you the
courage to take her back?

It's where she belongs.

Why do you think
you didn't move on?

Most men--

Because I met a bunch of
40-some-year-old wacky women.

Really?

Give me the cone.

All right, this is
the cone of silence.

We take that, put
that over your head.

Put that on you.

Did you have crazy
sex with these women?

Some of them.

Way to go, John.

John, I'm proud of you.

God, I'm proud of you.

Did you learn any new sexual
things with these women?

Yeah, no diseases either.

No, so you got out
of there unscathed.

Unscathed.

I am proud of you.

You can't hear us
in there, can you?

I can't hear a thing.

You can't hear a thing
in the cone of silence.

What lessons would you
share with other people

about what you learned?

The grass isn't always
greener on the other side.

You should definitely be
happy with what you have.

Like, hesitate before you pull
the trigger and think you're

going to jump.
- Yes.

What about you?

Don't settle for
what's not right.

You know what you want.

Get it.

Are you single, by any chance?

I'm not, no.

Hi, are you single?

No.

Yes, can I wear
one of your hats?

What's if for?

I think you should
wear this one.

OK, did you make it?

Hello, and welcome to the
Dating Show slash Cabaret,

where you can find love and
see me in ornate headwear

with my designer--

Darryl Thorn.

Daryl Thorn doesn't
F around, bitches.

Hey sir, would you like to
be a part of a dating game?

I'm work.

I'm on the clock.

Can I have a
bite of your cake?

You want a piece?

I'll give you a
whole piece of cake.

No, just a bite.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- All right, man.

Have a good day.

All right, so
we've just brought up

all of our contestants
from the street.

The bachelorette has not yet
seen any of the bachelors.

She's going to ask the
men a series of questions.

And based on their answers,
will pick her favorite.

By the
end of the show,

you'll be able to take out
your phones and delete Tinder.

All right, let's get
started, gentlemen.

Let's meet our bachelorette.

What is your name?

Melissa.

Melissa, what a beautiful
name for a beautiful woman.

Melissa, where are you from?

Malaysia.

Malaysia, wonderful.

You OK?

Culture.

Melissa, we have some
wonderful gentlemen

on the other side of
this curtain for you.

Dave, would you mind
introducing them to us?

Not at all.

Bachelor number one,
where are you from?

New York City.

Bachelor number two,
where are you from?

I'm from Venice Beach.

Bachelor number three,
where are you from?

I'm from San Luis
Obispo, California.

It sounds like you're
making that place up.

If you had to pick me
up without using words,

how would that sound?

Bachelor number three.

Psst, Psst.

Bachelor number two.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Are you picking
Melissa up or a Dolphin?

Bachelor number one.

What are you trying to
convey with that whistle?

She's a beautiful
dove, of course.

Oh.

Oh, nice.

We're very excited to be here.

Anytime someone says something
too smooth, I spin it up.

I like a man who
can sell me things.

Sell me this pencil like
a guy from the 1920s.

You're weird.

I have the pencil, actually.

Bachelor number three, we're
going to start with you.

OK.

Sell this pencil as if
you're a man from the 1920s.

What are you
saying, old sport?

You need a pencil, meh.
I don't know.

Was that like--?

That was pretty perfect.

I liked it a lot.

I don't know what the
"meh" was at the end.

No, that's 1920s.

They do that a lot.

You see, this is
a pencil, you see.

And it's really good for
writing down a lot of things,

you know, if you
had to take notes,

if I ever want to
sketch it down,

you little beautiful
figure there, you know.

I just got to get it down
really nice with this number two

pencil.

You can't go wrong
with the number two,

you know what I'm saying?

Wow, I felt like
I was transported.

Can I show you
guys something cool?

Hold that.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Why did you do that?

That's the only
thing I can break.

I'm not very strong.

Do your best impression
of a shy sheep.

Bachelor number 3 is
volunteering to go first.

Let the record show.

Bah, bah, bah, bah.

Bachelor number two.

Bah, bah.

Bachelor number
one, ma, ma, ma, ma.

- That's the best I got.
- That was actually the best.

- That was pretty good.
- That was the best one.

You don't decide.
She decides.

That's true.

Who's your favorite dictator?

And why?

Oh, interesting.

Who's your favorite
dictator and why?

I'm going to have to go
with Kim Jong IL on that one.

All right,
bachelor number two.

I really don't have
a favorite dictator.

But I love Kurt Cobains.

Bachelor number three,
who's your favorite dictator?

I'm still going to go with a
strong Vladimir Putin answer.

I think the man
does what he wants.

Well, Melissa, we've heard
from three very different,

interesting bachelors,
one or two of which

may be very, very inebriated.

Which of these three
gentlemen would you

like to go out on a date with.

I think I'm going to
have to go with number one.

He was really smooth.

Number one was really smooth.

He was smooth.

I'm pretty excited about that.

Bachelor number
one, what's your name?

Jordan.

Jordan, go meet your lady.

Say hello, yes.

Oh, yes,

Real connection.

We do have one other
tradition when we bring

a couple like this together.

We like to share the
first dance with you.

If you guys would just assume
the position of the dance?

I don't dance.

- Oh, you don't dance.
- Oh, OK.

Dave, would you
mind dancing with him?

Yeah, just so--

We need some-- We need
to end with dancing so--

All right.

Here we go, do,
do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

All right.

That was great, guys.
- Great.

Yeah.

All right.

Melissa, we want to thank you
for being a great contestant.

We want to thank
all the gentlemen

for being great bachelors.

Yeah, you guys were great.

And we hope that you
guys will join us again

for another episode
of "Love Matching."

So then I was eating
cookie dough in my closet

and I was like, uh, you're
definitely a closet eater.

I ate dinner on the
toilet the other day.

Does that make me
a toilet eater?

No, it just means you're
really efficient with time.

Oh, thanks.

Do you want a
bite of this apple?

No, no I do not.

That is disgusting.

Why is it disgusting?

Because you put
your mouth over it.

Then you get all your like
mouth insides and mouth jizz

all over it.

It's very sexual
and very intimate.

And I am not about that life.

But we share
food all the time.

Yeah.
But that's different.

Apples are different.

They're disgusting.

They're sensual.

They're sexual.

They're like, intimate.

Just take a bite.

Please, just take a bite.

Sherry, is that you?

Oh, Jay, hi.

It's been forever.

Yeah.

You looked really
great eating that apple.

Thanks.

Do you want to go
to my apartment?

You want to have
dinner sometime?

Yeah, we could have dinner.

- Have sex.
- Yeah, OK.

I'd love to.

You have no choice.

What about me?

We could all hang
out for a while.

And then we could
have sex later.

I don't mind.

No, we got to go.

This apple has juiced me up.

Ew.

Got to go, girl.

Bye.

Let's do it.

Can I get you anything else?

Yes, all of the
apples, all dem apples.

Nicki will fuck tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, ha, ha, ah.

Oh, I'm not paying that.

Stephen D'Souza, thank
you so much for coming in.

Sorry your writing partner
couldn't be here with you.

But we only have one chair.

That's fine.

"Die Hard" is great.

But we do have a few
suggestions on how to make "Die

Hard" not so hard to watch.

Sure.

Page one, we start in
an airplane, which I love.

Not a bad place to start
an action-packed adventure.

But you decide to
take us out of there

and bring us right to a boring,
dumb office building, yawn.

She yawned when she read
that part in the script,

which is why she said yawn now.

Then we're just stuck
in this office building

for the whole action movie.

I don't think you understand
what action means.

Action means, ha,
da, da, da, da, da.

da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Playing tennis,
I'm playing tennis with my mom.

That's what action is.

You watch James Bond,
do you get chase scenes.

You get bad guys' secret
lairs, private islands

with a tiny man.

I thought the containment
would add to the suspense

and the excitement.
- Oh, you know what?

I totally get where
you're coming from.

But you're wrong.

So let's just make sure we get
in some sexy, exotic locations

like the Bahamas or Florida.

You've also got a big mix
up with your main character,

John McClain.

Audiences are not going to
be on board with this guy.

First of all, you've got him
wearing a dirty little shirt

and no shoes.

If we're going to have people
paying actual money to see

this, why don't we start
him out in a fresh blouse

and some loafers, please?

Not to mention that he
freaks out all the time

and he talks like a child,
yippee ki ya ya mother effer.

It was meant to be funny.

So, I guess we could
change some of the jokes.

Maybe instead of joking
around the whole time,

you could get a little
serious like a real man.

Like Hans Gruber, the
character who you wrongly

made the bad guy in this script.

Oh, my God, I
love Hans Gruber.

He's just so fashionable.

And he's foreign.

And he's got a goatee.

And he's British or German.

I can never really tell.

Either way, he's a dreamboat.

John is meant
to be a little bit

more American and blue collar.

And these characters
are based on a novel.

And that's where you as
the adaptor should say,

I'm going to change
this entirely

and just make it better.

So Hans is in, me, I wish.

That's how you write a joke.

That's a joke.

John McClain is
out, thank God.

That yippee ki poopy whatever.

Yeah.

We all know a suave and
sexy hero needs a buddy.

How about a young, sexy, busty
blonde with some big yippee

ki yayas?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

That's exciting.

And it'll keep viewers eyes on
the screen, where they belong.

The goal has
always been the same,

keep the eyes on the
bingos and the mind

off the quality of the film.

And instead of
having her being

stuck outside like chunky, I
don't know how to use a gun,

wrong.

Have her on the inside,
back-to-back with Hans Gruber?

Or bingo to bingo.

That's great.

Then we can get rid of
that old, dumpy exwife.

I mean, how old is she, farty?

What is she, farty?

Is she farty five?

Blonde is in.

Chubby and wife are gone.

And you know what?

Those are all the
changes that we want.

Good job.

All right, I'll
see what I can do.

Oh, and also, don't have this
take place during Christmas.

That's tasteless.

Have it take place during,
I don't know, Hanukkah.

Also change the
name of the movie.

Then you can do whatever you
want with your little script,

as long as you add
in all these changes

and don't add any of your own.

Now turn around.

I want to pat your bottom.

Give me that pink bottom.

Job well done, pat, pat, pat.

I think I'm going to take
my movie someplace else.

How are you leaving?

We said we like this.

OK, OK, you know what?

Let's compromise.

All right, we can
keep the explosions.

And, you know, we can
keep the explosions.

Ah.
- You know what?

I'm glad he left
because we couldn't

keep any of those explosions.

Oh, is this the rough cut?

It's the fine cut.

Oh, OK, nice.

Good work.

Whoa, someone
had sex last night.

- Ben, come on.
- Sorry.

Yeah.

Did you think Sarah
had a one night stand?

She probably just hasn't changed
her clothes since yesterday.

OK, I had a one
night stand, Haley.

I don't know why.

It was terrible.

Why do I keep having
casual sex when I know

what I want as a relationship?

Because you're
a Hufflepuff who's

pretending to be a Slytherin.

Nice.

Yeah.

Did you just sort me into
my Harry Potter sex house?

I am not a Hufflepuff.

In life, you're a Gryffindor.

Thank you.

Your sex house is Hufflepuff.

OK, I am not a Hufflepuff.

No one admits what their
sex house is, you know?

Like Ben doesn't tell
the girls that he's

just looking to
hook up with them

and never talk to him again.

I'm a Slytherin.

Yeah, and like Haley, when
the guys go out with her,

they think that they're
in for like a wild night

when really, like, she's
not going to do anything.

What's your house?

I'm a Gringotts goblin
protecting my gold.

Me, I tell Beth that I'm
super happy with our sex life

when really, I know that
I could be doing better

if I just did more research.

You are such a Ravenclaw.

Shout out to Rowena, yeah.

OK, fine.

I'm a Hufflepuff, OK?

I'm a sexual Hufflepuff.

So what do I do?

How do I find other
Hufflepuffs if nobody

says what their sex house is?

Should I put Hufflepuff
in my Tinder profile?

- Definitely don't do that.
- Sarah, absolutely not.

It has not worked for me.

Oh, why can I
just be Slytherin?

It'd be so much easier.

Your sex house
chooses you.

You're a wizard, Sarah.

Sorry, Harry Potter
was on this weekend

and I watched all of it.

I mean, it's amazing.

You do that
every weekend.

Every weekend.
I love it.

- I would watch it every night.
- Weird.

It's so good.

Guys, do you have
any notes on that cut?

Hey, someone had
sex last night.

Ben.

Ben.

I got, I got to stop that.
Sorry.

It's weird.

Alec, do you have like
a Harry Potter sex house?

Voldemort.

What the
does that mean?

Probably butt stuff?

Yeah.