Original subtitles

Hey there, folks.

I'm Hank Jr., owner of Hank's Bar and Grill.

And if you're from the Tulsa area,

y'all know all about our classic,

fully loaded baked potato--

Irish cheddar, sour cream, chives,

butter, bacon, and oregano piled on top

of two pounds of Idaho gold.

Mm-mm, good.

But when I inherited this restaurant from my father

last year, I thought, how could we get

this potato truly fully loaded?

So we added black olives, jalapeños, and chopped onions.

But I wasn't satisfied.

So we added tomatoes, garlic, guac, a vegetable kebab,

shrimp scampi, six-fold chicken wings

and wings, peanuts, pad Thai, and a rack of baby back ribs.

Then I realized the truth.

Before I die, I told my son, leave the potato alone.

The only way to fully load a baked potato

is to load it with another smaller,

fully loaded baked potato.

And the only way to fully load that potato?

Yet another fully loaded potato inside of it,

and so on and so on, down to the molecular level.

The infinity potato.

Once you wake to infinity potato, there is no more sleep.

I moved to Boston to attend lectures at MIT--

game theory, logic, calculus, and recursion.

My focus was clear--

achieving infinity potato, a fully loaded baked potato

that is nowhere, is nothing, and is endless.

But how?

Imagine there is a point on the horizon you must reach.

Walk half the distance there.

Now walk half the remaining distance.

Now half that.

Now half again.

Will you ever reach the horizon if you

continuously half the distance?

No.

It is an endless journey into the abyss.

Now apply that terror to a fully loaded baked potato.

This is infinity potato.

It asks the mind to confront God.

And the mind appears full--

or blank.

Flaubert says, the more you approach infinity,

the deeper you penetrate terror.

But I am no longer afraid.

The way for me is clear.

No!

You have my father!

You will not have me!

So come on down to Hank's, where we've reverted

back to our original recipe.

Because you know what they say--

if it ain't broke, don't inflict infinity upon its essence.

I know this hoverboard's stupid.

But I also think it's funny to own it.

That's why I'm paying for it with my Irony Card.

The Irony Card is for crap you don't sincerely want,

but you spend money on it anyway, like temporary tattoos,

a made-for-TV movie on DVD, and sushi from the Japan

section at Epcot.

The Irony Card lets the world know I'm buying

this garbage with real money.

But also, in a way, I'm not?

The Irony Card has a crazy high APR and 45% interest rate.

I can check my balance anywhere, anytime, from any flip phone.

Shots of Goldschlager for everyone at the bar.

You know that's going to be, like, 500 bucks, right?

Put it on here.

I don't really want them.

What?

Like, I want them, but I don't want them.

OK, that's a round of Golds.

Using mood ring technology, the Irony Card

can sense if you genuinely want to buy something,

and if so, block the purchase.

- Your card's been declined. - Whoops.

Cash for these.

I really want the dick noodles.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum-- ooh.

For every dollar you spend, you get one eighth of a point.

Points are redeemable everywhere that is BustedTees.com.

Ooh, disgusting pizza at a pathetic theme restaurant?

Put it on here.

This is really my life.

Don't have a cow, man.

What?

So apply for your Irony Card today.

You can speak with a representative

by IMing IronyCard42069.

Hey, yo, come on out.

We're .

.

The Irony Card-- for when you don't want it,

but you, like, want it?

All right, guys, we're rolling.

Tuck in, tuck in.

Here we go.

Hi, Alec Baldwin!

I'm a huge fan of the "Jersey Shore," a huge fan.

I am such a huge fan of the "Jersey Shore."

Now, where do you live?

On Long Island.

What city?

We're in Holbrook, not too far from Massapequa.

You're in Holbrook, where the IRS is?

Yes.

Holtsville, yeah--

Oh, that's Holtsville, I'm sorry.

Mm-hmm.

No wonder they're investigating me.

I've been sending the checks to Holbrook.

Now, you have two kids. Yes.

And you're a stepmom-- Yes.

with two kids.

And how do you get along with the two kids?

I get along great with them.

I'm closer in age to them than I am to him, so it's fun.

Easy now.

Easy.

Take your pen, and I want you to write down

what do you think is the one thing you'd

like him to change the most?

And what's the one thing you think she

wants you to change the most?

Now, you show me first what you think she

wants you to change about you.

"Stop being a scooch."

- A scooch. - Scooch.

He's such a scooch.

What's a scooch?

Jersey for scrotum.

10 years.

He's a pain in the ass because he's always grabbing me--

That's so specific.

grabbing my tits and my ass in public.

And it's like, stop it. He does?

- And he's always up my ass-- - Yeah.

and he wants me near him.

He's always squeezing your ass?

Yes, yeah, yeah-- Yes.

And he squeezes your boobs? Yes.

Yes. All the time.

He does? It's like, stop it.

Stop.

Does he do it at the Villa Lombardi when you're at work?

- Nah-- - Yes, he does, he does.

He tries-- - I do, but--

Aren't they--

Yeah.

Hello, Carlo.

Do me a favor.

Do a little role play for me.

OK.

Imitate him when he wants sex from you.

What does he do? - C'mere.

No, no, no, pretend--

Come on!

Cut the comedy.

I'd have to stick my hand down his pants.

I can't do that. - Yeah, you can.

No, you can't do that. But that's what he does?

He just shoves his hand down your pants?

If she's going for something in the cabinet,

I'll whip her pants down.

He's attracted to you, obviously.

- Oh my god. - He's fresh.

There's no little note--

I need to be, you know--

little trails of flowers leading to a bubble bath.

No. No, no.

I want to go "Fifty Shades"-- you

know, rose petals and stuff.

You want some rose petals leading to candles.

Yeah, red room.

Did you two meet in church?

- We did. - Yes.

You did?

When you die, what do you think happens to you?

To me?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I hope something happens.

I hope I'm with everybody, you know, having a party.

You met in church, and you think

it's eight seasons and out.

It's "The Sopranos." - I know my mother--

You're a churchgoer?

would kill me right now.

Were you raised Catholic?

Of course.

You raised Catholic?

Yes. How about him?

What does he think?

And then ask him what he thinks.

Do you believe in an afterlife?

Uh, my elevator's going down, baby.

I'm going right to hell.

- Is your elevator going down? - Yeah, it's going down.

Why?

Do you want us to cut the cameras here?

Did you whack out some people?

Did you do bad things?

Don't want to hear all this stuff.

Did you do bad things?

- I do bad things. - Ralphie--

- You. - You.

- You. - You.

Now, if you were to tell another couple

what is relationship advice that you think works for you?

Just as long as the other person treats you well,

that's the main-- that's the main thing, you know?

And if you don't get treated good, why be in a relationship?

How does she treat you well?

She always has time to come over and give me a hug,

come up behind me, give me a hug, stuff like that.

You think she cares?

Yeah, I think, definitely.

Although--

That's the most important thing.

If she didn't care, I'd be gone.

We've talked to other people in the car where they get so

cynical, where you don't say certain things to your partner

for so long that when you do say them, they don't believe you.

Right, there's no meaning--

They've gotten so cynical.

There's so many layers of sediment of kind

of resentment and neglect.

Yeah, I go, I love you, I love you.

She goes, no, you don't. I go, yes, I do.

I love you. She goes, thank you.

But it's more jokey.

Because he says it in a joking way.

So turn to her right now.

OK.

Tell her that you-- why don't you tell--

on the count of three, you're going to tell her you love her.

And I want you to think of the smartest

thing you can say in response.

Ready?

Tell her that you love her.

Mandy, I love you with all my heart.

Ralphie, I'm never leaving you.

Oh? Very good.

That's a good answer.

You're going to be together in the next life.

Let's hope that you wind up going where you're going to go,

and not where he's going to go. - Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, you're going to be with him for the next--

He might drag me down, but--

I'll save her a seat.

Oh, my Ralphie.

Wow!

Come on.

Hey!

Heh, heh, heh, hey!

What?

Hit me.

What you want?

What you need?

Ha, ha.

Back and forth in the weeds.

No matter where you go or what you see,

hey, you got to get funky.

You're getting space and time to be out of line.

You're getting up and feeling fine.

You get yours, and I'll get mine.

You got to get funky.

You know?

You know?

You know what I was thinking?

Mm.

Well, I think you can.

I know you could.

Yeah.

Well, I think you might.

I know you should.

Come on.

With the backstreet cats down in the hood.

Heh, you got to get funky.

She might be large, she might be tall.

She might be out to have a ball.

Might look like she got it all.

You got to get funky.

If you know you will, but you think you might,

it don't take long to get it right.

to try and find, you got to get funky.

Yeah, hey.

Hey, is everything all right?

I heard a lot of ruckus.

Let me know if you need anything.

You sure?

Help me.

Help me.

I need help.

Wow!

Come on.

Hey!

Hello, idiots.

Welcome to The Idiot's Guide to Smart People.

Today's topic is sports.

Following sports is one of the all-time greatest idiot

pastimes.

To enjoy the game, you only need to do two things--

yell and drink beer, which just happen

to be your only two talents.

But unfortunately, your idiot oasis is often encroached

upon by smart people.

So you should know what smart people get out of watching

adults play games with balls.

Sports is the universal language of modern life,

allowing idiots and smart people to make

small talk when they have absolutely

nothing else in common.

The phrase, "did you see the game?" puts everyone at

ease now that even the weather is a loaded topic.

And smart people's interest in sports

has continued to rise, along with global temperatures,

thanks to fantasy sports.

Fantasy sports are a trick smart people have played on idiots

to get them to play a socially acceptable

form of Dungeons & Dragons.

Ah-ha.

Smart people spend an unreasonable amount of time

on make-believe drafts and pun-based team names,

only to become furious when defeated by their archnemesis,

an idiot with dumb luck.

But even with fantasy games, smart people

have a hard time embracing sports

as much as idiots because of guilt.

While you and your idiot pals enjoy sports with absolutely

no shame, smart people have to fight

the nagging truth that they're often rooting

for violent, homophobic liars.

And even when the athletes are blameless,

smart people know the teams are run

by rich -holes-holes that are part of giant,

sleazy organizations.

Of course, smart people put all that knowledge to good use

by immediately ignoring it once the game is on.

But most importantly, you should avoid any smart person

that constantly makes it known how

little they care about sports.

These joyless sacks of condescension

trivialize the physical artistry of athletes

while worshipping the inane snark-istry of Twitter.

In conclusion, no matter what smart people

say, being a true fan is ultimately a pure idiot idea.

Rooting for one team over another for no good reason

and never changing your allegiance--

it's like nationalism, or religion, or anything else

we use to distract from the fact that we're all going to die.

Huh?

Sorry for the reminder.

Hey, are we getting a pizza for the pitch meeting?

Ooh, I need to write for that.

Haley, what's trending?

Macaulay Culkin, #MagicMondays, and there's

a viral news story about a little girl

who was riding an alligator.

Hmm.

Wait, Sarah, how was your date?

He asked me to Venmo him.

This is done.

Beth and I split the check.

You guys don't split the check?

It's not even the splitting that I

really have a problem with, OK?

I'm trying to be OK with splitting,

you know, because of--

feminism, even though it makes me

immediately not want to have sex with the person--

like, immediately.

Well, was it a bad date?

No, the dinner was great.

And then the check came, so I did the purse move.

Oh, let me just check for my card.

Let me locate my pocket.

It should be in here somewhere.

Stop me at any time.

Then he says, don't even worry about it,

and gives his card to the waitress.

That is so hot.

I am turned on just thinking about it.

Nice.

OK, cool it.

And then I go to the bathroom, and I get a Venmo request

on my phone for "splitsies."

Oof.

God.

OK, well, hang on.

I mean, maybe he really thought you wanted to split it?

Like, if I was on a date with a girl, and she asked to split,

I would let her.

You know, because of--

feminism.

Yeah, but I would never Venmo.

That's psychotic.

And also, you got to leave a fun Venmo message to him.

That's a win for you, right?

I don't want to say.

You guys have to check.

I am looking.

Oh.

Oh, Sarah, the empty plate emoji?

See, you should really Private this.

This is, like, your entire dating history.

Wait, what?

It's like a Hall of Fame of bro-ey dudes.

Who's Brandon Brandon?

Oh, no, no, no.

I literally only go on Venmo just to, like,

see who's hooking up.

Is it really so weird that I wanted

this guy to pay for my dinner?

I've been told my whole life that you shouldn't

accept anything less than a guy paying,

at least for the first date.

And what, now I got to--

I got to be cool with splitting, and then I

got to write, like, a witty little joke in the Venmo note?

And I will pay for my own calamari when I stop

making $0.70 on your dollar.

Yeah. Yes.

Woo! Preach.

- Yes. - You're right.

Thank you.

I got a large cheese pizza here.

Let me just grab my card.

Let me find the right pocket.

It should be in here somewhere.

Feminism.

Does anyone have a wallet?

This is really good.

That's some good pizza.

That's good.

I'm not allowed to watch it.

I've never seen it.

Yeah, no, I've never seen it, either.

I dunno.

I dunno.

I didn't audition.

TV shows are cool.

Yeah, I bet they got to hang out a lot.

They probably didn't have to go to school, so.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

One blink for yes, two for no.

Looks kind of scary?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Who doesn't?

- Mm-hmm. - It's pizza.

So good.

I guess keep working hard?

Yeah, looks like they're doing the right thing.

- Pizza. - Oh, yes.

Pizza, yep.

- Yes, more pizza. - Mm-hmm.

- It's so good. - Yeah.

It's so good.

Hey, Benjamin.

Hey, Rob.

How you doing?

Fine.

I'm fine.

Cool.

Can I talk to you about something, though?

Yeah.

OK.

You know how everything's going to be OK?

What's that?

Just like, you know, everything's going to be OK.

I'm sorry, I don't--

I don't understand.

You don't understand?

OK, so you know how we're all just alone,

and everything is bad, and every day, it's harder to wake up,

and how your mom won't tell you who your dad is?

But in the end, no matter how bad it gets,

it doesn't really matter because it's all going to be OK,

you know what I mean?

I'm sorry, I'm just not following this.

I can talk to someone else.

Could you?

That's fine.

I just-- I have--

I just have a thing I'm--

Oh, no, it's fine.

Yeah, OK.

Take it easy, OK?

I cannot stand that guy.

Welcome back to America's oldest game show,

"Riddles & Fiddles."

Before jumping into round three, let's take a moment

to meet our contestants.

Coming from Davenport, Iowa, is Terry Kapsla.

Terry's a software engineer over at Geodaddies,

where he creates novelty website counters for the internet.

And competing against Terry is Michael Moop.

Michael's a stay-at-home car salesman

from Pensacola, Florida, with a degree in biochemistry.

Those are your contestants.

Let's hit the Riddleometer.

It's a riddle.

And we'll find out which one right after we

learn a little more about our contestants.

Terry collects Civil War stamps, has six kids,

claims to have invented the night shirt,

knows exactly when to stop microwaving popcorn.

And his favorite TV shows are the 11:00

News and some of the less offensive

episodes of "Friends."

Michael has never been snorkeling,

but thinks it looks fun.

And let's go to the board.

Ooh, he landed on a Switcheroops.

That means it's time to flip the order.

So we'll start with Michael.

Michael holds the family high score at "Minesweeper,"

would rather not drink an Arnold Palmer,

and played JV basketball at Davenport High, where people

still call him the Moopoo.

Terry has four Jacuzzis in storage,

can name every flavor of Combos on command,

and wants to thank his nephews for spending

their birthday money on getting him a duck-shaped Tempur-Pedic

mattress.

Michael, since you're in the lead,

you get control of the board and a fun fact about Terry.

Here it is-- Terry loves boats.

And Terry, here's a consolation fact about Michael--

Michael is a man.

We're running out of time.

Let's get to that riddle.

Three men walk into a motel--

Oh, what do you know?

That's a Riddleruption.

Time for more contestant facts.

Terry just returned from a fishing trip with his nephews,

hates it when he can't breathe, relieve stress

by speaking in tongues, and is one

of the only people at his workplace without an iPhone.

Michael hates avocado, but loves guacamole,

thinks Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday,

and once, while he was telling an IHOP waiter about how he met

Garrison Keillor at a Lady Foot Locker,

Charles Grodin walked in and ordered pancakes,

but thought they were called waffles.

What a story.

That was the Riddles & Fiddles Riddleruption.

Now, here's the riddle.

Three men walk into a motel and ask for a room.

The second man observes the desk clerk said the room is $30,

but his sister only has four daughters.

The room should have been $25, but there are

only three keys and no fish.

The bellboy pays the third man a compliment

and wants to return his Canadian money.

All the walls are blue, all the floors are ceilings,

dogs are cats, and the sun is chained to a fence.

What is the bellman's bluff?

I'm afraid time's up.

The correct answer is--

And that's our show.

Terry and Michael will be back next week

to answer more riddles where the answers

are sounds made by fiddles.

I'm Clive Underwood, a game show host

who enjoys old pennies, stale bread, and barking like a dog.

Woof night.