Original subtitles

- Hi. - Hey.

- Alec. - Alec.

Emanuel. How are you?

How you doing. Jay Pharoah.

Nice to meet you.

How are you?

Hey, Jay Pharoah.

Nice to meet you.

What's going on?

Do people tell you you look like you could be brothers?

- All the time. - Yes.

- All the time. - All the time.

Where did you meet?

Feels like that.

We originally met on a dating app, and then we both--

What dating app?

- Grindr. - It was Grindr.

Yeah.

- It's really romantic! - A little bit of a pause.

You ground each other.

It's really romantic!

How long have you been together?

Like, five months.

What made you all go from hookup buddies

to actually boyfriends?

We actually never hooked up.

We actually became official before we even had sex.

Yeah, because I refused to let him enter me.

We did other stuff, but, like-- but we didn't have sex.

Traditional relationship.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Old fashioned.

You're an old fashioned girl!

Emmanuel says that Anthony doesn't know

any gay pop culture references.

He does not.

He's so bad at it.

But does he know more than Alec?

Who knows more gay pop culture references?

Who's gayer?

We don't know.

You or me?

Emmanuel, you are the host.

Oh, . OK.

Ask the questions.

OK, are you guys ready?

First question.

Name three Barbra Streisand songs.

And reveal! What do you have?

I don't know.

- He doesn't know a single song. - What do you have.

And I have "Evergreen," "Rain on My Parade," and "People

Who Need People." Yeah!

People!

I'm so proud of you, honey!

I thought that was her--

My wife's proud of me that I am most gay.

OK. Next question.

Second one.

You better get this right, ass.

Name three recent Britney Spears songs.

Oh. Recent?

Oh, I got this.

I got this.

Yeah, recent.

"Pretty Girl," "Circus," and "3."

OK.

Oh, that's pretty good.

It's pretty good. I'm too old.

That's old. But I'll still give it to you.

Those are still songs.

I had me, me again, and don't me.

Oh, baby, baby!

All right. Are you ready?

So third question.

Who's Rachel Zoe?

I wrote she's the governor of Colorado.

Oh, she could be. We don't know.

I didn't know.

We don't know her past life.

I love you, man. I love you.

- I don't know. - What have you got, Gregg?

Fashion stylist.

Is she a fashion stylist?

Gregg's the gayest one in the car right now!

I knew her.

Let's pull over and get the expert in the car.

Let's pull over.

How exciting!

Are you sitting on his lap?

Where are you going?

Yeah, because I don't have a lot of space.

You think you guys are going to make it?

You want to stay a couple? - We absolutely do.

Do you want to have a serious relationship?

We do.

A monogamous relationship?

Yeah, a monogamous-- He's a ho!

serious relationship.

Well not any more! No?

- I used to be. - He used to be.

But you're reformed now.

Well, cause here's the thing.

I didn't come out until I was like 23.

So I did my thing.

And now I'm good.

How do you get along with each other's families?

He gets along with my family very well.

Your family?

I don't really see them that often.

Are they cool with you being out?

For the most part. Yeah.

Grandmother does not know I'm gay.

She doesn't need to know.

It's fine.

Where do you see this relationship?

A year from now I could actually

see us living together.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

And we both want kids.

Yeah, we want like four kids.

Uh-- What? Wait.

OK.

Do you want to be our surrogate?

Well I'm already taken.

Oh !

And it's my third in three years.

Hello!

So I can't imagine four--

You know what?

If it weren't for this, totally.

You guys are cute.

It's anal clue.

I'm not making too many jokes about this.

I know my career can end way faster than yours can.

No, no.

We can cut all this out.

Uh-oh.

Looks like the widdle baby fell asleep.

Doesn't he know the rules?

First one to fall asleep gets a penis drawn on their face.

Oh Yeah.

Oh my God.

That's beautiful.

How did you--

I don't know.

I just drew it.

All right, boys.

It's 1 AM.

I think it's time to turn out--

What in God's name?

Mr. Patterson, I made him do it.

Shh.

It's the most incredible penis on face I've ever seen.

Did you draw that, Charlie?

Yeah.

Carol!

What is it sweetie?

Is everything OK?

It's like looking into the face of God.

Our Charlie?

Charlie I'm a reporter from the "New York Times."

We'd like to know a little bit about your process.

Well, I draw the balls like on the cheek,

and I make it look like the penis is going into the mouth.

Fascinating.

He's never had lessons.

Sometimes I draw squiggly lines

to make it look like ball hair.

Did you get that?

Yes, ball hair.

What's on the front page?

Kosovo!

Kill it,

The piece is permanent marker on 12-year-old boy face.

We're going to start the bidding at $500,000.

Do I hear $500,000?

Yes, $500,000 to the man in blue.

Do I hear $750,000?

Yes, $750,000 to the woman in black.

Might I remind you, this is an original Charlie

"Penis on Face."

$1 million.

$1 million.

Going once.

Going twice.

Sold, to the mysterious man in the back.

The moment I saw it, I knew I had to have it.

It's exquisite.

Oh.

Those turds.

Screw you, butt munchers.

That's what you get for falling asleep first.

Idiot.

Let's get excited right now for Marc Normand!

Hey, Hey.

Comedy, huh?

Whew.

Still not really sure what this is.

But glad to be here.

Yeah.

It feels like a comedy show, but it looks like a porn shoot.

I'm just confused.

Hey, hey. All right.

Everybody's drinking. That's fun.

I like to drink.

I got to cut back.

I blacked out last week.

That's embarrassing.

I told my roommate, he's like, oh, you blacked out.

Ugh.

That means you forgot to brush your teeth last night.

I was like, wow, that is the least of my worries.

Yeah.

I'm more concerned with the lipstick I'm wearing

and why I sent my mom a dick pic.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, people always talk about how honest

you are when you're drunk. You hear that a lot.

Get that guy drunk, he'll tell you anything.

I feel like I'm way more honest when I'm hung over.

When I'm drunk, I can lie all day.

You know?

Cop's like, you've been drinking?

I'm like, no way!

Ah!

When I'm hungover, that's when I'm honest.

My life's in shambles, I have nothing to live for.

Your friends like, you want to get brunch?

You're like, Ugh, I've never liked you.

What you want, what you need.

Back and forth in the weeds.

No matter where you go or what you see, you got to get funky.

space and time to be out of line.

Getting up and feeling fine.

You get yours and I'll get mine.

Yeah got to get funky.

You know what I think?

Well, I think you can.

I know you could.

Yeah!

But I think you might, I know you should.

Come on!

With the backstreet cats down in the hood.

You got to get funky.

So you might be large, you might be tall.

Yeah got to get funky.

You know?

Hmm?

There's no one here.

Wow!

Come on!

We now take you live to Capitol Hill

where a congressional hearing on people who post spoilers

is underway.

Good afternoon.

This thing on?

Recently you posted online.

All right.

"Can't believe Andy Dufresne made

it out of Shawshank prison.

Ugh."

Yeah.

I just watched that movie.

Sir, why did you have to spoil the ending?

Didn't care for the movie, Bilty.

It's Congressman Biltman.

You didn't like "The Shawshank Redemption?"

It was non "Seven."

The Brad Pitt movie?

"What's in the box?"

His wife's head.

Tough box.

Sir, you're doing it right now.

I like Brad Pitt though.

Handsome.

Wish he existed in "Fight Club."

This is exactly what we're talking about.

Right? He wasn't real!

Like Bruce Willis!

"Sixth Sense?"

You guys see "Sixth Sense?"

Well, he was real.

I mean-- but he was a ghost.

Come on!

Really?

You haven't seen these movies?

You get like a five year grace period with spoilers,

and then it's on you Congressman.

OK, no.

All right!

Enough!

It seems like you are intentionally

ruining films for people.

Can't you not mention spoilers?

Maybe I should just lie, huh?

Like Verbal Kint, a.k.a.

Keyser Soze?

Just look at the wall behind you and then

make up a bunch of nonsense?

I think we're safe.

There's nothing behind us.

"The Usual Suspects?"

Can't you help yourself?

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry, Mr White!

Yo, Mr White!

Don't die in the lab, bitch!

That'd be a bad break.

Why are you like this?

Oh.

Maybe I should just move away.

Leave everybody alone.

Become a weird lumberjack with Dexter?

I never finished "Dexter," so that one

particularly upsets me.

Don't lose your head, Ned Stark.

I just started "Game of Thrones!"

Please, do not ruin that one for me!

Come on, Congressman.

It was season one.

It's not like you mentioned King Joffrey's death.

Joffrey becomes King?

Shut up!

I thought you were on season four?

Well I'm not.

I'm reading the books!

Shut up!

It's like the Red Wedding up there?

What does that mean?

Red like blood?

Like bloody? Someone dies?

- It means-- - No!

No!

No!

- Let me say this one thing. - No.

- No. - Sir!

No

It won't ruin is

No!

All the Starks die at the wedding.

Oh!

You did it!

You mother .

You son of a !

What a stupid .

Hey.

Do you guys validate parking?

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

Shut the up!

We'll be back in a few minutes with this continuing

investigation.

And join us tomorrow for the congressional hearing

on girls who cry at parties.

I caught my parents having sex when I was 8, 21, and today.

And the idea of your parents having sex is so horrifying,

isn't it?

That's why I'm surprised parents don't use that as a threat.

Wouldn't that be so effective?

Like, hey, Timmy, you better clean that room,

or me and your mom are going to go at it.

How did you do on that math test, Billy?

I got a D. I'll show you some D!

All right, I'll study!

Yeah.

But you girls are so sexy, you drive me crazy.

I just want to put stuff in you.

Oh, you're so hot with your wacky labia!

I love it.

This is how sexy girls are.

I was out to dinner once, this girl leans over during the meal

and goes, hey, I'm not wearing underwear.

I was like, oh my God.

That's hot.

Then realized, why is that sexy?

Has underwear ever been a huge obstacle for a guy?

Has any guy ever taken a girls jeans off scene panties

and been like, ooh, it's going to be a long night.

Put a pot of coffee on.

I can't crack that code.

That's how hot you are, gals.

You can tell by an article of clothing you're not wearing,

I can't even see it's missing, I'm already turned on.

That doesn't work for me as a guy.

I can't pull that off.

I lean over during dinner.

Hey, I'm not wearing underwear.

She's going to go, uh-oh.

What happened?

Laundry day? Diarrhea?

Need a wet wipe?

Talk to me.

Yeah, this girl on the date, she told me-- she was like,

yeah, I like a strong silent type.

That's what she said to me.

I find that offensive.

Strong silent type?

Can you imagine if a guy said that?

What do you look for in a woman?

Silence.

I like a woman who is tough and shuts the up.

You'd be kicked out of society.

Yeah. I don't know.

It's weird being in this room.

I just have the urge to masturbate.

Yeah.

The gays have it figured out.

Yeah, the gay guys are doing great.

My roommate's gay. That's fun.

I like having a gay roommate.

He's gay, I'm broke.

I feel like poor people and gay people have a lot in common.

We're both born that way.

Women just want to be our friends.

And when you finally tell your parents, they're like, yeah,

we knew.

I went to the gay pride parade a couple of months ago.

Still sore.

I had a good time.

Yeah.

They had the homophobic guys out there with the big signs,

you know?

How much do you have to hate a group to make a sign?

I've never made a sign in my whole life.

These people are more prejudiced than I am productive.

Yeah.

It's weird, the markers, the poster board.

I don't get it.

Your tactic for fighting gays is arts and crafts?

You might want to rethink that one.

You know?

Ironically the group you hate the most

could really pizzazz up that poster.

I don't know who's gay.

I have the worst gaydar in the world.

I didn't know my roommate was gay until we ...

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you guys are nice.

Some crowds are so mean.

You know, I got called a douche bag at a show recently.

That's a fun word.

Douche bag.

Because the insult is more popular

than the actual product.

I don't know anyone who's ever used a douche.

Never seen one. What is it?

Like a Ziploc? I have no idea.

I feel bad for the guy who invented the thing.

Some guy in the 1800s, I invented

this thing for women's hygiene!

We're all like, nice job, man, we're

just going to use that to describe dudes in fedoras.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I did some research on it.

A douche bag is actually bad for women.

It's not good for you.

So apparently the guy who invented it, kind of a douche.

Welcome to Cocktails.

I'm Willa Esther, and my guest today is Tanisha Long.

She's of age.

OK, so I just want to tell you that if I ask you

any question that makes you feel uncomfortable,

you can use your safe word.

And today's safe word is online shopping.

Online shopping.

OK.

Like, if I asked you, can I wear your skin as my own.

It's not making me feel online shopping?

Your online shopping threshold is--

Is a little higher than normal.

I feel like people are always saying

online shopping about me.

So--

Ooh.

You might say online shopping.

That's interesting.

If you wanted to let a guy from across the bar know that you

were interested in him, how would you let him know

using just your body language?

Well what I normally do is I creepily stare in their eyes.

Won't they think you're going to murder them?

No!

With your vagina!

I look like a girl who wants to, like,

catch a D. So I don't think--

I've never thought of my vagina as a weapon.

You should.

It's full of muscles.

Is that why guys like it?

Yeah.

It's the only part of my body that's a muscle.

What kind of tips would you give guys to make dick pics sexier?

Go online and find a really good dick, and photo shop it

on to you.

Duh.

Do what girls do.

Is that what you do with like boobs and butt?

I feel like-- - No.

My shit's great.

I don't do that.

Is there anything they can do?

Like, could they help with, like, lighting?

Should they take, like, a course in lighting design?

You know how the Kardashians, like, have come up

with this whole contouring your face thing

to make it look different?

Maybe dude's should start contouring their dicks

to make them look different.

Yeah, I feel like all the stuff

we have to do to our face, like, guys

should do it to their dicks. - Yeah.

Concealer.

Foundation. Mascara.

Lip gloss.

Pressed powder could take the shine off of the head of it

when it takes the picture. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Also have something for scale.

Yes.

Like put me me, like, a TV remote.

Or like a pencil.

Well, the TV remote though.

Yeah.

Not a lot of guys are competing with TV remotes.

I'll tell you right now.

What pick up line would work on only you?

Do you want to go watch season four of "The X-Files"

and chill?

What do you think Oprah's orgasm sounds like?

I think because she's so loud in real life

that maybe they're just like not even noticeable.

Like, she's probably just like, yes.

Goodnight.

Have you ever had sex in the shower or, like, the bathtub?

Yeah, we've had sex in a tub.

It's sexy for like five seconds.

And then it's always like, ow, you're sitting on my leg.

Wait, you got my hair wet.

As soon as my hair gets wet, everything is ruined.

Is it OK if my Grammy Rose comes and gives us some advice?

Oh, my God, I would love advice from your Grammy Rose.

Grammy Rose!

Oh, hello!

Welcome, Grammy Rose.

Here's your grandma Rose's recipe

for the perfectly faked orgasm.

Your arch your back, curl your toes, clutch a buttocks,

and then you shout out all the vowels straight in a row.

Awoo!

Thanks, Grammy Rose.

It always works.

You give the best advice.

Your grandma is crazy as shit.

Thank you for coming on our show.

Thank you for having me.

As a parting gift, I would like to give

you this condom balloon.

It's strawberry flavored.

Wow.

I'm not going to lick it.

I want to.

I wonder if flavored condoms have calories.

Hi, I'm Glen.

I work at Above Average.

And I have some questions for Patty, our head of HR,

as to what I can and can't do in the office.

Patty, I have a friend who just had a baby.

So first of all, gross.

Second of all, she told me that all companies are legally

required to have what's called a pump room to go and, like, feed

their babies from their boobs.

So we turned your office into a pump room.

As you know, none of our female employees have just had babies.

That we know of.

So we don't actually need to have one.

Well, we have one now.

And we used your office.

Do you want to go look at it?

Sure.

You know where your office is right?

- Yep. - That's a pump room now.

All right.

Oh, my God.

So this is the pump room.

If it's open, it says come in, we're open for pumping.

And then if someone's in there, it's sorry,

we're busy pumping our milk.

So that you don't accidentally walk in and see some boobs.

That's good thinking.

So welcome to the pump room.

This is amazing.

This is where the mommies sit when they

have a baby on their boobs.

Who are these people?

This is a little goal chart.

You get a sticker when you get milk out of you.

This is an inspiration board for the moms

to help get milk out of them.

That'll scare it right out.

So this is a cooler to put your milk into.

Yeah.

This is whole, 1%, and fat free,

depending on what you pump.

Well, you, like, really thought this through, huh?

Yeah.

And then because we're, like, a fair office,

this is a side area for if men want to pump.

But men don't have to pump because they're men.

Well, they do.

Like, if you need to pump your penis.

No office in their right mind would have

a corner dedicated to this.

It's sexist if we don't.

It's not, though, because women are not masturbating

anywhere in the office.

Not that you know of.

Glen, they shouldn't be.

I'm just saying, eating lunch doesn't take a whole hour.

The guy corner makes no sense.

I don't think any female is going

to want to pump either, while there's a guy

jacking off in the corner.

Also I don't think--

Women can use this chair too!

For pumping breast milk.

Women can use this chair for pumping and jerking

at the same time if they want.

If that helps them pump.

No.

They got two hands.

Can I tell you the names I came up with for this corner?

Just because I'm sure you work really hard on them.

I did.

The jerk space, like a workspace.

The squirt locker. Boner town.

Cum corner.

We're not having an ejaculation corner.

Are you worried about the mess?

Because we have a tarp.

Yeah, there is a lot of tarp.

This is where I sit.

I would not sit in that chair if I were you.

What is the rule on moms selling their breast milk on eBay?

You just need to be working during office hours.

Oh, they're working.

Have you thought about when people come in here to pump,

where you're going to go work?

No.

Just because we're not making this the pump room.

If and when you have a baby, we'll set this right up.

And I will--

I can't have babies.

Oh, my God.

Because I just really don't want to.

I can definitely get pregnant.

Oh, OK.

I just-- like, I can't.

OK.

But yeah, thanks so much.

Like, this is really nice.

You're welcome!

Everything but the masturbating corner.

Oh, that's a good name.

OK, thank you Patty. Very much.

Yeah, no problem.

And if you could just leave.

I need some privacy while I pump.

- What? - Yeah.

This is all for you?

No.

This one.

Oh, God.