Original subtitles

Hey, handsome man.

We're doing a dating show.

Would you guys like to be a part of it?

No, thanks.

We are having a dating game show.

It's going to be super fun.

We're going to have a super hot guy there.

Would you be into that?

Yes.

OK.

Are you guys a couple?

Oh, yeah.

She said no.

You said yes.

Something's up there.

Taco man.

Taco man.

Taco man.

Taco man.

Are you single, taco man?

No.

He will probably select you because you're so charming.

Oh, thank you.

- And wonderful. - Thanks.

And beautiful.

Oh, are you the guy?

No.

And it would be awesome though, right?

Yes.

OK, thank you.

One minute, I'm just-- we're just hitting it off.

Having a good time.

All right, we've just brought up all of the contestants

from the street.

The bachelor has not yet seen any of the ladies

competing for his heart.

He's going to ask them some questions

and select the winner based on their responses.

We're feeling, kind of,

insecure because the bachelor we chose is super hot.

Let's get started, ladies.

Welcome to the show.

Today, we have a very, very handsome--

too handsome bachelor.

What's your name, sir?

Michael.

I detect an accent there. Where are you from, Michael?

Germany.

Oh, that's so great.

Yeah, it's perfect.

I'm going to avert my eyes from you for a moment.

Even though I don't want to.

And Dave, will you please introduce the bachelorettes.

Bachelorette number 1, where are you from?

California.

Do you like cake?

I love cake.

Bachelorette number 2, where are you from?

I'm from DC.

What's your favorite type of shoe?

Sneakers.

Yeah, comfy.

Bachelorette number 3, where are you from?

Seattle, Washington.

Ooh, rainy.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Right now, it's chocolate.

Oh, that was the wrong answer.

I'm really sorry.

What's your idea of a perfect first date?

We'll start with you, bachelorette number 1.

From what I've always heard, 75 degrees walk on the beach,

all you need is light sweater.

Do you talk or do you just walk?

We don't need to talk.

Michael is sweating over here.

Yeah, me too.

It takes a lot to make a German sweat.

I find it sexy when a girl

talks to me like I'm a baby.

my body in a baby voice.

We're going to start with you, bachelorette number 3.

Oh, oh, honey, you're so cute and sexy.

Oh, yes, you are.

Bachelorette number 2.

Oh, hi.

Hi, lil baby.

That's a very cute pudgy belly you have.

That's the best I got.

If I run an ice cream sundae, how would you make Me

I'm going to take some hot fudge, drizzle it all over.

I wish I was ice cream.

Bachelorette number 3.

Well, I would use chocolate and strawberry ice cream.

And I would add nuts to that one.

I get it.

definitely with cream, but I would make it myself.

Martha Stewart in the house.

I like the one who can dance

with her arms and only her arms, without using her legs.

Dance for me.

Legs creep me out.

We don't have music.

So Dave will sing for you.

And since he can't see you, I will stand here

and I will interpret what they're doing.

Three, two, one, and boom, boom, chakataka-taka.

Boom, boom, chakataka-taka.

Fierce.

- I have crazy arms. - Can't do that.

Oh.

Fierce, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate,

chocolate, chocolate, fierce.

Look, we've come to the end of the game.

We found some very interesting answers

from these three lovely ladies, but you

can only leave with one.

Which is it that you would like to date?

I think I'd go for number three.

Number three.

Wow, that's right.

Number three, what is your name?

I'm Madeleine.

Madeleine, go meet your, man.

Michael, please meet Madeleine over here, say hello.

- Hi, Michael. - Yes.

Nice. - Hi.

Michael. - Wonderful.

Now, we do have one last tradition

when we bring a lovely couple like this together on our show.

We like to share the first dance.

Oh. what we're doing? Ballroom?

- OK. - OK.

Ballroom style.

Usually, we do--

Oh, it's OK.

You're running this shit now, OK.

I would love for you guys to just spin around

and around as we say goodbye. - Yeah.

This is great.

Dave, do you have any parting words?

Guys, just because you don't find love today

doesn't mean you won't find love one day.

And if you don't, sorry.

Thanks for watching.

See you next time.

Why did you stop?

Keep dancing.

We are the kings of PowerPoint.

And how do we prove that we're the best?

Well, we take the craziest ideas and we prove that they're true.

Today's topic--

Coffee is poop.

Guys, this should be obvious, right?

You drink a cup of coffee.

5 minutes later, you've got to poop.

Why?

Because coffee doesn't need the processing.

That's right.

Drink the coffee.

It's already poop and goes right through your system,

no processing.

It's like a bald man going to get a haircut, right?

There's just not that much that needs to be done there.

I don't know what that's like.

I do.

Hey, also, coffee and poop both use water.

Oh, this is big, guys.

Look at this, right?

Poop into a toilet, what do you use?

Water.

Coffee into a coffee machine, what do you need?

- Water. - They're the same.

Essentially, when you think about it,

a toilet is just a very big coffee machine.

If you don't understand it at this point,

you're not going to understand the rest.

Yeah.

And you know what, it takes about the same amount of time

for me to make a cup of coffee as it does to poop.

That's a big one.

And how long is that, right? - 5 minutes.

15 minutes-- whoa.

What?

It takes me, like, 15 to 20 minutes, like, minimum.

That's gross.

I got to carve out a section of the day to poop.

Your body is not right.

OK, look at these coffee beans right here.

Let's let them drop.

Oh.

Oh.

Coffee beans are essentially just

little dense pieces of poop.

Look at that.

Look at that and you tell me that's not poop, OK.

And that's what we're drinking?

And come on, we all know it, right.

Beans, beans are good for your heart.

Right.

The more you eat, the more you fart.

The more you fart, the more you poop--

Because coffee is poop.

It's a rhyme that we all know.

Feel free to talk while we're doing this.

And the most important thing of all is it makes you feel great.

I get that same warm feeling from a nice cup of coffee

as I do from taking a nice poop.

That's right.

One has to do with your mouth.

One has to do with your butt.

It's the same feeling though.

And let's talk about Starbucks real quick, right.

Sure.

Starbucks, coffee leader, what are the two things they do?

They do coffee.

They do bathrooms.

Ha.

And then, the bathrooms just recycle

it right back into the espresso machine, big circle of life.

You know it.

So I think we've proven it, all right.

- Yeah. - Let's see what we got, right.

And look at this slide.

You can't argue with this slide.

Coffee is poop.

Poop is coffee. - Everyone.

Coffee is poop.

Poop is coffee.

Coffee is poop.

Poop is coffee. Coffee is poop.

Poop is coffee. Coffee is poop.

Poop is coffee.

PowerPoint!

We've convinced you.

What is a peninsula? Is it real?

I think so too.

I'm so glad we were able to do this dinner.

I haven't seen you guys in forever.

I know.

We miss your face.

Also, we actually have some exciting news.

We're trying.

Congratulations. That's--

- Thank you. - Oh, my god.

- so exciting. - Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry we didn't tell you sooner.

It's just that since we've been trying,

we haven't had time for anything else.

Family, friends, work, forget about it

because we're trying machines.

OK, I get it.

You guys are having a lot of sex.

No, no, Leslie.

I'm sorry.

Trying isn't sex.

Trying is better than sex.

But it's sex.

OK, sex is for fun.

Yeah.

Trying is for babies.

OK.

And babies are beautiful.

You understand? - Sure.

- She doesn't get it. - She doesn't get--

it's OK.

That's why we can talk about it all the time.

Speaking of all the time, we are trying

all the time, all the time.

Oh, honey.

That reminds me, can you check the Try Cal?

Oh, yeah.

This is the Try Cal. Try Cal.

It tells you how often you should try.

Look how many tries as we did so far.

Impressive.

And it looks like we have a 13 back-to-back

try sesh after this. - Wow.

That's not possible.

Sometimes, we feel tried out, downright withered,

but that just means we have to try harder.

It's like the saying, if at first you don't succeed,

try, try, try. - Try, try again.

Try.

Try, try, try, try, try, try,

try, try, try, try, try, try.

Any questions from you folks about the menu?

Yes, actually.

The lasagna, how much Red Bull is in it?

What?

Red Bull has yellow number 5, and that

lowers my try juice potency.

I'm sorry.

Lowers what?

OK, um, my husband and I are trying.

And so we don't want his passengers to get

seasick on his baby barge.

He's worried about his sperm count, yeah.

Still lost, but I'm going to go ask the chef for you.

All right.

Well, Leslie, way to just broadcast our private lives.

Oh, sorry.

And baby barge was OK?

And maybe this is our fault. We haven't

talked about you at all. What's happening?

You're right.

What's going on in your life?

Well, I actually do have some exciting news.

- There we go. - Oh, great, great.

Yeah, I'm being made partner at the firm.

Are you kidding?

Congratulations! Congratulations!

I want to hear all about that, but I

actually have to take this. Thank you.

It's with work.

Hey.

Right now?

Yeah, so I-- OK.

No, all right.

OK, love you.

Thank you.

Yeah, that was my mom.

She thinks we should try right now.

- Your mom told you that? - Please continue.

Please continue.

Tell us-- tell us about-- oh, my God.

Partner, that's incredible.

What does that mean exactly?

Yeah, just tilt your pelvis up there a skosh.

Are you guys having sex right now?

No, we are trying.

You need to grow up.

It's a natural part of life.

Please go on about your job. - What is going on?

What's happening?

I mean, yeah, I'm the first woman to be made partner.

They're giving me a corner office.

And the last had to leave because he

touched one of the interns.

Do you get stock options?

Don't look at me when you do that.

Hey, folks.

Hi, excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt.

As it turns out, there actually is quite a bit

of Red Bull in the lasagna.

Let's go for it anyway.

I love Red Bull.

Right away, sir.

I'm going to go down here.

Can we do 69?

Yeah.

Welcome to Never Seen It.

I'm Jarret, and joining me this week

are Celeste, Matt, and Carl.

We're going to be talking about the movie "Showgirls."

What do you think this movie is about?

It's one of those movies that is objectively

terrible that people love.

I know it's about strippers.

Tell me who you may think the lead in this movie is

and what her character's name is.

I have no idea who's in this movie or who they play.

I'm out of information.

Like, Roxy, Roxanne, something I ought to know.

Yeah, that sounds right.

There's got to be an X in her name.

Zack, this is Nomi Malone.

What do you think the deal with Nomi Malone is?

What do you think her character arc might be?

Maybe she scouted a down and dirty strip club.

I'm sorry I'm referring to strip club as down and dirty club.

But she's, like, at a lesser one and someone--

a talent scout's there and was like, girl, you got it.

And then, she's like, this is my chance

to break out into the big time, the big time meaning

the Showgirl strip club.

You came here to ask me?

Yeah.

When I saw you dance, I thought, yes.

What do you think the name of this strip club is?

I thought Carl can give--

The pleasure-- the pleasure pit.

There's always, like, lace or curves--

Yes.

or something like that.

Yeah, lace curves.

Yeah, Laced Curves.

The show is called Goddess.

It ain't called Classes.

See you.

There's an audition for Nomi to be part of Goddess.

What happens in this rehearsal that

makes Nomi storm off stage?

They yell at her, and she cries.

And she's like, I'm never going to make it.

Here, put some ice in them.

Is that, like, a strip club thing, like everyone

their nipples?

I don't know.

I don't know if that's a strip club thing,

but that's a "Showgirls" thing.

Is he serious?

Here's a little excerpt of dialogue, that you'll

fill in the blank at the end.

Somebody asks her, are you afraid?

Don't be.

And Nomi said, I'm not.

I like it when you came.

I liked your--

I liked your smile.

Wait, she said, I liked it when you came.

I'm going to put dick in that right there.

I'm just like--

Somebody's going to go down the route, it's going to be me.

Yeah, maybe--

Could have been-- could have been came to the show.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Maybe she--

That's my secondary definition of that.

I like it when you came.

I like your wiener.

I liked it when you came.

I liked your eyes.

Another fun fill in the blank.

You can me when you--

take your shoes off.

You can me when you love me.

Cristal Connors says, I'm getting a little too old for--

This .

They quote another movie.

For dancing, getting too old for dancing.

For showing.

I'm getting a little too old for that whore look.

How does the movie end?

Credits roll.

Someone turns directly to camera and goes, bummer.

No, no.

Congrats, guys.

You didn't win this.

Oh, boy.

.

this.

this.

In our defense, we've never seen this movie.

Yeah, I've never seen it.

I've never seen it.

That's the name of the show, Never Seen It.

Why?

Come on.

Hey, he-he-he-hey.

What you want, what you need, back and forth in the weeds.

No matter where you go or what you see,

hey, you got to get funky.

You got to spend to be out of line.

We're getting up and feeling fine.

You get yours, and I'll get mine.

You got to get funky.

What you want, what you need, back and forth in the weeds.

No matter where you go or what you see, you got to get funky.

Why?

Come on.

Hey.

Anyway, what else?

What else?

Hmm.

I can dig it.

What are you doing?

7 minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with actress Christina Ricci.

Hi, Christina. - Hi.

Welcome.

Thank you.

I've heard "Pan Am," your new TV show, described as "Mad Men"

for people who are real into airports.

Is that fair?

Um, I don't know, maybe not-- maybe not quite so on the nose.

Yeah, it's good.

OK.

All right.

Please say yes or no to the--

please say yes or no to whether the following adjectives

apply to you. - Okey-dokey.

Ready?

Smart?

I don't know.

OK.

That's your last I don't know though.

You only get one.

Oh, OK, but I got one.

Dour?

No.

Dapper?

No.

Prim?

Yes.

I'm only 50% sure what that is.

Weird?

No.

Not weird?

Well, you know, OK, yes.

I bet people would think that-- no, no,

I'm not trying to get you to-- but you're like, oh, everyone

thinks that, but I'm not.

Is that, like, one of those things you run into?

I'm not really that weird.

OK.

Sexy?

No.

Jewish?

No.

Kool with a K?

Uh-oh.

Obviously not.

Stop.

OK, you got to stop. - Why?

You got to stop peaking.

We're in a very tight space.

I don't see why I can't read it.

I know, I know.

This closet theater is that your husband

came home early from work, and you and I are having an affair.

And so we snuck into the closet, and we

got hang here till he leaves.

But during it-- like, he's, like, a great humanitarian,

and I'm like just this scuzzbag, like, jerk and dirty and--

oh, boy.

All right.

He's-- I think he's--

I think he might be downstairs.

Yeah.

That was a close one.

Yeah, it was really close.

Um, I peed in your bathroom sink.

I should have used the toilet, but I freaked out and just

peed in the sink for no reason.

I should--- I thought I'd tell you that.

I hope he doesn't go in there.

Wait, why-- why would you do that?

I know.

Did you rinse it out after you were done?

I should have.

You didn't-- you didn't even do that?

I didn't do that.

It's going to smell like urine in there.

It probably smells like urine in there.

He's going to think that I've lost my mind

and started peeing in the sink.

Yeah, can you tell him that?

Next time you see him, just be like--

No, no, I cannot do that.

Take this hit for me.

That'd be cool.

Oh, God.

We can't come back here anymore.

I ate so much Fuddruckers.

I'm on a binge lately, you know, like, four times a day.

Four times a day, baby, fourth meal.

That's repulsive.

I know.

Are those his Nobel prizes up there?

Yes.

That's what them look like?

Fuck.

I've had a great time.

I think that you're real attractive and sweet,

and I don't think you're weird or dour.

I'm not.

Yeah, so--

Don't-- please don't snort when I get real close.

I don't know what--

There we go.

OK.

So that's not--

not my first time I've had that happen.

Oh, yeah.

As you can see, month over month growth

has been really strong.

We actually outpaced the board's expectations.

I'm sorry.

It must be allergies.

It must be.

I heard the pollen count supposed to be crazy today.

Yeah.

Anyway, at this pace, we can expect

that our numbers will grow.

Sorry, must be allergies.

Like I was saying, this kind of month over month growth

means that we can expect numbers that

are comparable to June 2015.

Gwen, your nose is bleeding.

Mhm, must be allergies.

Then, wipe it the up, Gwen.

Wipe up your leaky nose.

I'm sorry, must be allergies.

,, but I can't stop sweating.

Oh, it must be allergies.

Must be allergies.

- Get it off me. - Stop.

You have them.

We all have them.

Yeah, we're in a hell.

Must be allergies.

God dammit, I'm so hungry.

Allergies.

Allergies.

You've already had three sandwiches.

It's the last one.

I want it.

Maybe I should eat something bigger.

Kill, kill, kill.

Huh, must be allergies.

Maybe.

But also we had a chance here last week

for Employee Appreciation Day.

Choo Choo, his name was.

And somehow, Choo Choo got loose and bit Travis from sales.

Ouch, you're biting me.

And on the way out, his trainer

told me Choo Choo had recently been rescued from a small Thai

fishing village.

A team of anthropologists who studied the village

made the trek out there one day, and all the people were just

gone, except for Choo Choo.

A word was scrawled on the door of one of the huts,

or "vanish" in Thai.

And they still don't know where all the villagers went

or why Choo Choo didn't go with them.

I was going to send an email to everyone.

But I was in an anal bleaching accident,

and it totally slipped my mind.

Do you want to get lunch?

Yeah, I could eat.

Must be allergies.

Oh.

Let's go to an open salad bar and use

our fingers to grab the food.

Yeah, it sounds like fun.