Original subtitles

So you're going to vote.

Oh, yeah, you got to.

And between Trump and Clinton, you can't decide.

Don't have a clue.

Oh, was my fly down this entire time?

Oh, I mean, there are tons of people out there like me.

You know, but I just don't think people

understand why we're undecided.

It smells fresh.

It's not that undecided voters can't make decisions,

it's just that this election is so important that I

take it really seriously.

What do you say to people who call undecided voters dumb?

I say, do I look dumb to you?

Mm, good dog food.

I think we consider more layers than less people,

and that's why we don't know yet.

Actually, that's kind of a sign of intelligence

in a lot of cultures.

Well, this election is just really important because--

I'm sorry, she's always in here.

I thought you went to work.

Are you doing this for the attention?

Oh, no.

The only attention I get is negative.

If I knew it would just be so much easier.

Pee didn't work.

You know, but I refuse to rush my decision.

I mean, I think it's kind of odd people

have made their choice already.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton,

I mean, who are they?

What do you do for work?

I test medications for the FDA.

Well, not the FDA, but the guy who wears a suit.

Oh, for work?

I count cards.

1, 2, 3.

I actually compete in demolition derbies.

But I don't have a car so I just run like real fast.

It's a dog.

The candidates themselves are saying they're polar opposites.

What more do you need to know?

So much.

I mean, for example, do they like big government

or small government?

Open borders or closed borders?

Ice cream or snakes?

Now, I don't think I'm going to be able to pick until I

step foot in that booth.

Now if you'll excuse me, I really need to take a shower.

This summer on the "Food Network."

Hello.

I'm Dr. Maya Angelou.

You may know I love poetry.

But did you also know I love food?

That's right, I love all types of foods,

carrots, kale, mint, brussels sprouts, candy, pork shank.

But most of all, cupcakes, bitches.

You've read her books, you've heard her poetry,

you even saw her inaugurate the 42nd

president of the United States.

But now you can taste her cupcakes.

This summer it's "Maya on Fire."

With just six weeks until the grand opening of her still high

rise bakery, Maya Angelou is on the hunt to hire the best

pastry chef in America.

But watch out, she's one tough cookie.

Wha-- what-- what is this?

What is this?

Hard, go hard, go hard.

Pick it up, pick it up.

Everybody pick it up, put it down.

Go faster, go faster.

Don't speak back to me.

I'm Maya Angelou, I speak back to you, bitch, OK.

Sorry for calling you a bitch but it's true.

She threw my hand down on the oven and I got burned, kind of.

I'd like to leave, she won't let me.

DR. MAYA ANGELOU No one's leaving.

I guess I was expecting someone kind

of like my grandma, you know.

But, no, she punched me.

And it hurts.

Oh, how my heart soars like the peckish morning

J in the light of day.

Be still, dear bird, for the humble frosted sugar spreads,

like a sea from over a sand bar that forever shall rise.

Critics are calling "Maya on Fire"

delectably depressing, tart with terror,

and a decadent display of dementia gone awry.

Mm, do I detect a hint of mocha?

Oh, no, that's not-- that's not mocha, that's ass.

Oh, do you know what that means?

Jelly beans, your head is filled with jelly beans.

Next. Lemon curd?

Yes.

I'm sorry, I think that's lemon turd.

Because you put diarrhea in here, it tastes like diarrhea.

Get out, get out, get out.

These caged birds ain't singing.

Out of my kitchen, out of my kitchen.

"Maya on Fire," coming this summer

to the "Food Network."

Go back to work.

Why would you stop for me?

I'm an elderly woman, I cough all the time.

So I guess he's just the one that got away.

Well, he had to go away eventually.

He's a cab driver, so he had to go pick up somebody else.

I know, but when am I going to be, like,

the last person on their route?

You know, their last stop.

Yeah, sorry.

It's OK.

Well, you ladies are here early.

Wow, it is 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

It's 5:00 o'clock here.

Yeah, exactly.

It is 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, you-- it's 5:00 o'clock right here right now

so you don't have to say that.

But I'm going to because it's 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, the saying doesn't work like that.

The saying is, it's 5:00 o'clock somewhere, meaning

somewhere else other than here.

So you don't have to say it's 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

But, girl, it's 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

Yeah, but, girl, it's 5:00 o'clock right here right now.

That's like-- that's the thing that people say

to like justify their drinking.

And you don't have to do that right now

because we have reached a time in the day

where it's totally acceptable for us to drink.

Yes, because it is--

stay with me--

5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, no, see, you don't have to say it like that

because that'd be impossible, actually, because it's

5:00 o'clock right now.

And the way time zones work, if it

was 5:00 o'clock somewhere else, it'd

be 5:00 o'clock in the morning.

And we've already made that mistake.

So do you ladies want any food with your drinks?

No, Snukums?

I would like more vodka, please, because it

is 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, no, no.

This hurts, this hurts my body.

I can't drink anymore.

I will just take food.

No.

OK, how about we eat food in the form of potato vodka.

No.

Distill my vegetables, distill my vegetables,

and give it to me in liquid form.

Yeah, I know we've already made that mistake.

But think of it this way, Sheer, it's 5:00 o'clock here

in New York, it is 5:00 o'clock in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

It is 5:00 o'clock in Hartford, Connecticut, right?

Am I right?

Sheer, am I right?

Come on, let me hear it.

Let me hear it.

Yes.

Oh, oh, ah, oh, aha, oho, ah, oho, what'd you say?

Yes, you're right.

Oh, that's my favorite thing to hear.

Have we decided?

Yeah, I'll have a gin and tonic.

Ooh, girl, slow down, it's only 5:00 o'clock.

Yeah, you're right.

Double, please.

Mm, alcoholism.

According to the surgeon general, women

should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy.

But according to the sexual general,

women should definitely drink alcoholic beverages if they're

trying to get that deep.

Consumption of alcoholic beverages

impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery,

but doesn't impair your ability to drive the boys wild,

unless you drink too much. Too much of anything isn't good.

And no one likes a sloppy drunk, unless you're a fun drunk.

I don't know, man, I'm not a doctor.

Just have fun until it hurts.

And if it hurts, take your ass home.

Unless you like it when it hurts, in which case

you may have a different kind of problem.

Drink responsibly.

Hi, I'm Glenn.

I have half a degree from Boston University,

and I don't take shit from anyone.

Hi, I'm Joanna.

I've been to France six times, and I've

never plucked my eyebrows.

And this is "She Said She Said."

Good evening, and welcome to "She Said She Said."

Tonight's topic, should you curse in front of children.

I'm Glenn and I'll be arguing, no, you should not.

I'm Joanna and I'll be arguing, yes, you should.

So my first point is that they're children.

OK, we both know that, we already knew that.

You don't curse in front of children.

Well, I do.

A generally understood concept is

that people should not curse.

A generally understood concept.

So you mean a commonly held belief,

possibly by a mass of people who are non-thinking idiots?

Yeah, sure.

I'll-- I'll admit to that.

Joanna, you're so smart but this is-- this is-- you

just need to listen to me, OK?

So if you teach a child that it's OK to curse,

and now they're cursing at school

and everyone else is not cursing, they're a pariah.

No, no.

Here's what's going to happen.

If you have a child worth his salt in diapers,

you teach him how to curse, he goes to school,

he curses around the other kids, the other kids start cursing,

and then everyone's cursing.

And that's OK because everyone should be able to curse.

Cursing should be a treat.

You need cursing to be the treat for you?

I don't know what to say to you.

Go get a piece of cake.

Get a blowjob.

Curse words are little tiny gems

that pop out of our mouths.

And they're fun and they're cool and they are adult toys.

Fun and cool, fun and cool, two things that kids love.

Yeah, you want what's fun and cool?

Cars and knives.

You give those to kids.

No, but they sure know about them.

Glenn, let me bring up another person from history who was

really pro-censorship, who wanted to limit the words

we exchanged with each other.

Can you guess what his name was?

It was Hitler.

You're a Nazi.

I'm not a Nazi.

Yep, have it written down right.

Glenn is a Nazi.

And I resent being called a Nazi.

It's right here.

That doesn't make-- just because it's written

doesn't make it true. - Oh, so words aren't important?

I'm not a Nazi.

Now we'll proceed to the evidence portion

when Glenn and I will each present a piece of evidence

to support our claims.

Glenn.

Take a good look.

That's a child pirate, Joanna.

OK.

I could not find a photo of a real child pirate

because they're very elusive and they're mostly on boats.

If you're cursing like a sailor, this is what we will have.

So let me just clarify.

You took a colloquialism, cursing like a sailor,

and used that to link the idea that cursing and enslaved child

pirates are synonymous.

Is that your logic here?

I feel for the child pirates.

But I'll tell you what, if they have one outlet,

it's probably cursing.

You're a child pirate, you're sitting there being like, God,

I didn't want to come in this boat ...

That's what I would say if I was a child pirate.

Well, great evidence, Glenn.

You know what, you go.

My evidence will be a bit of a performance

between me and Glenn.

Glenn, if you would, we will read two scenes

from the eight time Academy Award

nominated film "Raging Bull."

Did you fudge my wife?

What?

Did you fudge my wife?

It's a sick question, and you're a sick fudge.

I sipped your brother's coke.

You sipped my brother's coke?

Yeah, I sipped his coke.

I sipped all their cokes.

What do you want me to tell you?

End scene.

Well, that fudging sucked.

Who-- who would be angry at someone

because he sipped his brother's coke?

Because it's not his coke.

You're acting like a child, a stupid child.

Well, that was the evidence portion.

Now we'll move on to voting.

When Glenn and I will each vote for the person

they think won the debate.

My pen doesn't work.

Sure.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Glenn and I both voted.

And Glenn will pull out a ballot so we can

tally up who won this debate.

OK, that's one vote for Joanna.

Mhm.

And one vote for Glenn.

Did you vote for me?

Yeah.

I voted for you.

- Did you really? - Yeah.

I voted for you, I thought you did

a really good job this time.

Yes.

I really-- I know I said some things but I know

your evidence was really good.

I was mad at you so I didn't want

to admit that you were right, but I think you're right.

So we didn't crack this one, whether or not

to curse in front of children.

But thanks, everyone, for watching.

Definitely leave an opinion in the comments

as to whether or not you think it's

OK to curse in front of kids.

Glenn and I have to go to a tracheotomy.

It's going to be weird not to have a trachea.

I know.

They're just going to take it out.

I think they don't take the whole thing.

I think they just stab you in the neck real quick.

And then you have a hole.

Yeah.

We don't need it.

So is it hard to be in a band while also

being full time baristas?

What's in a mocaccino?

My name is Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you guys are going to be performing at Governors Ball?

Pretty excited about that? - Yeah.

Well, I'm excited too

because I'm hoping that can get up there and scat with you

guys.

How do you have scat?

Like, sing like one line from one of your songs

that you'll be performing.

Across the street

It's not going to happen.

Keep going, it's great.

The only way I'm going to let you

tape this is if you'll put it everywhere.

But, seriously, where did you guys

come up with the name of your album "Return

to Cookie Mountain?"

We're in one of those places where you paint ceramic,

and then like you get a present for your birthday?

And you had balloons and cake and all different kinds

of, like, things.

And all your friends were there and you

were turning five years old.

Sounds, like, kind of developmentally disabled people

I know.

I think you're just being racist against children.

OK, I'm going to read the lyrics

to your song, "Wolf Like Me" and just give you

a little bit of feedback, OK.

"Say, say my playmate, won't you let--"

Who is that?

Who's calling?

It's probably my ex Darrent.

Tell him to go F himself.

And then tell him you were kidding.

"Say, say my playmate, won't you lay hands on me,

mirror my malady, transfer my tragedy."

OK, I get it.

It's a song parody of "Say, say my playmate," right?

But I think it would be better if you

kind of just did the original.

Who knows the hand thing?

Say say oh playmate, come out and play with me,

bring out your geometry, climb up my apple tree,

forever more, more 1, 2, 3, 4.

Yes.

I feel bad about that.

OK, let's see you two try it.

I don't think that this is fruitful.

So I was googling your band.

And one of the articles that kept coming up

was six reasons why "Beverly Hills 90210"

was the ultimate teenage TV.

Which character from "90210" do you guys

each identify the most with?

I'm Black so I didn't.

Kind of matter demographic.

No, was there a Black kid on the show?

Yeah, he just wasn't a regular.

I was Iron Ziering's character.

Steve.

Steve.

That's a good choice, OK.

Going with Steve.

Dylan?

I'll take Dylan, for sure.

One of you has to be the dad, Jim Walsh.

I'm so sorry but I think that's you.

Dude, she called you Jim Walsh.

That's cool. I don't care.

I don't know who that is.

That's cold.

Oh, you're very similar to him.

So your music works in so many different types of genres,

you know.

But it makes them all sound like garbage.

So I'm just wondering, how is that possible?

Mm.

What did those-- what are you guys, ghosts?

What are you guys, haunting this place with your bad tunes?

We're forming a new band.

The past, the present,

the future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm celebrity psychic Emily Heller.

And I'm here with actress Eliza Coupe.

So did you have a question you wanted to ask the cards?

Yes, yes.

I just want to know if I should fake my own death.

I think I'd like to be the first person to accept

a posthumous Emmy humorously.

I think it would just be a great publicity thing for me,

you know.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Wish I could say you were the first person to ask me that.

I mean, I can, I would just be lying.

First card, the moon.

God, I love this card.

So there's two dogs, flirty little lobster.

Flirty.

Really blue ocean, really blue sky.

Yea.

Just the bluest sky.

Yeah, I mean it's very-- it's

Just really blue.

It's just really one of the most beautiful

things I've ever seen.

Are you all right?

I'm sorry, the mushrooms just kicked in, like, just now.

- You've got mushrooms. - Oh yea.

Right now.

Oh yeah.

Oh, are we all on mushrooms or--

OK.

Next card, temperance.

Have you felt this yet?

No, I didn't get a chance to.

Try it now.

No, I'm going to let you.

You seem-- your--

I'll take my turn later.

That's really nice of you.

Yea.

We should hang out more.

OK.

I was talking to the lamp.

Obviously, right.

Next card, ten of swords.

What's with the swords over here?

I don't know.

It doesn't look good, does it?

Who says that to somebody?

I'm sorry.

I mean-- it sounded mean.

That sounded like I was--

Are you mad at me?

No.

I'm just-- I want you to have a good trip.

Ah, do you maybe we flip the next card or you just--

Do you want to go on a walk?

Next card, the hierophant.

OK, I definitely cannot deal with the fucking

hierophant right now.

What's a hierophant?

I mean, look at him.

Cannot deal.

Next card, the devil.

OK, no.

That's-- no.

Is this bad for me?

I don't-- that's not--

I just want to be really clear.

I'm really worried right now.

I kind of feel like I--

I think I need to take my clothes off.

I don't know.

That's going to fix a lot.

No, I don't--

I don't think you should.

I think-- really, guy--

Just, we don't have to do this right now.

We can just-- we can--

let's get back to that.

Remember, that was fun.

Remember that?

Yeah, I get into that a little bit more.

That's probably a good idea.

Next card, the fool.

OK, so this is pretty clear.

Don't fake your own death.

Yeah.

Don't do it.

Obviously, I just-- it kind of just a light

bulb went off because there's--

only just said in front of all these cameras.

Can I give you a hug?

Thank you.

Of course, of course, of course.

OK, yeah.

OK.

OK.

Yeah.

I really like this.

Mhm, yeah.

Wait, come on, hey.

hee, hee, hee, hee, what, what you want,

what you need, back and forth in the weeds,

no matter where you go or what you see,

hey, you got to get funky, you got

to spend some time to be out of line,

you getting up and feeling fine,

You've got jobs and I've got mine, you got to get funky,

what, you know what, you know what I was thinking,

what I think you can I know you could, yeah, what I think you

might I know you should, come on,

with the backstreet cats down in the hood, you got to get funky,

you see, you might be large you might be tall,

you're going to get fucking,

I need you all with me.

I need you all with me.

Wait, come on, hey.