All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E06.We.Should.Hang.Out.More.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

So you're going to vote.

Oh, yeah, you got to.

And between Trump and
Clinton, you can't decide.

Don't have a clue.

Oh, was my fly down
this entire time?

Oh, I mean, there are tons
of people out there like me.

You know, but I just
don't think people

understand why we're undecided.

It smells fresh.

It's not that undecided
voters can't make decisions,

it's just that this election
is so important that I

take it really seriously.

What do you say to people
who call undecided voters dumb?

I say, do I look dumb to you?

Mm, good dog food.

I think we consider more
layers than less people,

and that's why we
don't know yet.

Actually, that's kind of
a sign of intelligence

in a lot of cultures.

Well, this election is just
really important because--

I'm sorry, she's always in here.

I thought you went to work.

Are you doing this
for the attention?

Oh, no.

The only attention
I get is negative.

If I knew it would
just be so much easier.

Pee didn't work.

You know, but I refuse
to rush my decision.

I mean, I think it's
kind of odd people

have made their choice already.

Donald
Trump, Hillary Clinton,

I mean, who are they?

What do you do for work?

I test medications
for the FDA.

Well, not the FDA, but
the guy who wears a suit.

Oh, for work?

I count cards.

1, 2, 3.

I actually compete
in demolition derbies.

But I don't have a car so
I just run like real fast.

It's a dog.

The candidates themselves are
saying they're polar opposites.

What more do you need to know?

So much.

I mean, for example, do
they like big government

or small government?

Open borders or closed borders?

Ice cream or snakes?

Now, I don't think I'm going
to be able to pick until I

step foot in that booth.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
really need to take a shower.

This summer
on the "Food Network."

Hello.

I'm Dr. Maya Angelou.

You may know I love poetry.

But did you also
know I love food?

That's right, I love
all types of foods,

carrots, kale, mint, brussels
sprouts, candy, pork shank.

But most of all,
cupcakes, bitches.

You've read her
books, you've heard her poetry,

you even saw her
inaugurate the 42nd

president of the United States.

But now you can
taste her cupcakes.

This summer it's "Maya on Fire."

With just six weeks until the
grand opening of her still high

rise bakery, Maya Angelou is
on the hunt to hire the best

pastry chef in America.

But watch out, she's
one tough cookie.

Wha-- what-- what is this?

What is this?

Hard, go hard, go hard.

Pick it up, pick it up.

Everybody pick it
up, put it down.

Go faster, go faster.

Don't speak back to me.

I'm Maya Angelou, I speak
back to you, bitch, OK.

Sorry for calling you
a bitch but it's true.

She threw my hand down on the
oven and I got burned, kind of.

I'd like to leave,
she won't let me.

DR. MAYA ANGELOU
No one's leaving.

I guess I was
expecting someone kind

of like my grandma, you know.

But, no, she punched me.

And it hurts.

Oh, how my heart soars
like the peckish morning

J in the light of day.

Be still, dear bird, for the
humble frosted sugar spreads,

like a sea from over a sand
bar that forever shall rise.

Critics are
calling "Maya on Fire"

delectably depressing,
tart with terror,

and a decadent display
of dementia gone awry.

Mm, do I detect
a hint of mocha?

Oh, no, that's not-- that's
not mocha, that's ass.

Oh, do you know what that means?

Jelly beans, your head is
filled with jelly beans.

Next.
Lemon curd?

Yes.

I'm sorry, I think
that's lemon turd.

Because you put diarrhea in
here, it tastes like diarrhea.

Get out, get out, get out.

These caged birds ain't singing.

Out of my kitchen,
out of my kitchen.

"Maya on
Fire," coming this summer

to the "Food Network."

Go back to work.

Why would you stop for me?

I'm an elderly woman,
I cough all the time.

So I guess he's just
the one that got away.

Well, he had to
go away eventually.

He's a cab driver, so he had
to go pick up somebody else.

I know, but when am
I going to be, like,

the last person on their route?

You know, their last stop.

Yeah, sorry.

It's OK.

Well, you ladies
are here early.

Wow, it is 5:00
o'clock somewhere.

It's 5:00 o'clock here.

Yeah, exactly.

It is 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, you-- it's 5:00
o'clock right here right now

so you don't have to say that.

But I'm going to because
it's 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, the saying
doesn't work like that.

The saying is, it's 5:00
o'clock somewhere, meaning

somewhere else other than here.

So you don't have to say
it's 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

But, girl, it's 5:00
o'clock somewhere.

Yeah, but, girl, it's 5:00
o'clock right here right now.

That's like-- that's the
thing that people say

to like justify their drinking.

And you don't have
to do that right now

because we have reached
a time in the day

where it's totally
acceptable for us to drink.

Yes, because it is--

stay with me--

5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, no, see, you don't
have to say it like that

because that'd be impossible,
actually, because it's

5:00 o'clock right now.

And the way time
zones work, if it

was 5:00 o'clock
somewhere else, it'd

be 5:00 o'clock in the morning.

And we've already
made that mistake.

So do you ladies want
any food with your drinks?

No, Snukums?

I would like more vodka,
please, because it

is 5:00 o'clock somewhere.

No, no, no.

This hurts, this hurts my body.

I can't drink anymore.

I will just take food.

No.

OK, how about we eat food
in the form of potato vodka.

No.

Distill my vegetables,
distill my vegetables,

and give it to me
in liquid form.

Yeah, I know we've
already made that mistake.

But think of it this way,
Sheer, it's 5:00 o'clock here

in New York, it is 5:00 o'clock
in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

It is 5:00 o'clock in
Hartford, Connecticut, right?

Am I right?

Sheer, am I right?

Come on, let me hear it.

Let me hear it.

Yes.

Oh, oh, ah, oh, aha, oho,
ah, oho, what'd you say?

Yes, you're right.

Oh, that's my
favorite thing to hear.

Have we decided?

Yeah, I'll have
a gin and tonic.

Ooh, girl, slow down,
it's only 5:00 o'clock.

Yeah, you're right.

Double, please.

Mm, alcoholism.

According to
the surgeon general, women

should not drink alcoholic
beverages during pregnancy.

But according to
the sexual general,

women should definitely drink
alcoholic beverages if they're

trying to get that deep.

Consumption of
alcoholic beverages

impairs your ability to drive
a car or operate machinery,

but doesn't impair your
ability to drive the boys wild,

unless you drink too much.
Too much of anything isn't good.

And no one likes a sloppy drunk,
unless you're a fun drunk.

I don't know, man,
I'm not a doctor.

Just have fun until it hurts.

And if it hurts,
take your ass home.

Unless you like it when
it hurts, in which case

you may have a different
kind of problem.

Drink responsibly.

Hi, I'm Glenn.

I have half a degree
from Boston University,

and I don't take
shit from anyone.

Hi, I'm Joanna.

I've been to France
six times, and I've

never plucked my eyebrows.

And this is "She Said She Said."

Good evening, and welcome
to "She Said She Said."

Tonight's topic, should you
curse in front of children.

I'm Glenn and I'll be
arguing, no, you should not.

I'm Joanna and I'll be
arguing, yes, you should.

So my first point is
that they're children.

OK, we both know that,
we already knew that.

You don't curse in
front of children.

Well, I do.

A generally
understood concept is

that people should not curse.

A generally
understood concept.

So you mean a
commonly held belief,

possibly by a mass of people
who are non-thinking idiots?

Yeah, sure.

I'll-- I'll admit to that.

Joanna, you're so smart
but this is-- this is-- you

just need to listen to me, OK?

So if you teach a child
that it's OK to curse,

and now they're
cursing at school

and everyone else is not
cursing, they're a pariah.

No, no.

Here's what's going to happen.

If you have a child worth
his salt in diapers,

you teach him how to
curse, he goes to school,

he curses around the other kids,
the other kids start cursing,

and then everyone's cursing.

And that's OK because everyone
should be able to curse.

Cursing should be a treat.

You need cursing
to be the treat for you?

I don't know what to say to you.

Go get a piece of cake.

Get a blowjob.

Curse words are
little tiny gems

that pop out of our mouths.

And they're fun and they're
cool and they are adult toys.

Fun and cool, fun and cool,
two things that kids love.

Yeah, you want
what's fun and cool?

Cars and knives.

You give those to kids.

No, but they sure
know about them.

Glenn, let me bring up another
person from history who was

really pro-censorship, who
wanted to limit the words

we exchanged with each other.

Can you guess what his name was?

It was Hitler.

You're a Nazi.

I'm not a Nazi.

Yep, have it
written down right.

Glenn is a Nazi.

And I resent
being called a Nazi.

It's right here.

That doesn't make--
just because it's written

doesn't make it true.
- Oh, so words aren't important?

I'm not a Nazi.

Now we'll proceed to
the evidence portion

when Glenn and I will each
present a piece of evidence

to support our claims.

Glenn.

Take a good look.

That's a child pirate, Joanna.

OK.

I could not find a photo
of a real child pirate

because they're very elusive
and they're mostly on boats.

If you're cursing like a sailor,
this is what we will have.

So let me just clarify.

You took a colloquialism,
cursing like a sailor,

and used that to link the idea
that cursing and enslaved child

pirates are synonymous.

Is that your logic here?

I feel for the child pirates.

But I'll tell you what,
if they have one outlet,

it's probably cursing.

You're a child pirate, you're
sitting there being like, God,

I didn't want to come
in this boat ...

That's what I would say
if I was a child pirate.

Well, great evidence, Glenn.

You know what, you go.

My evidence will be
a bit of a performance

between me and Glenn.

Glenn, if you would,
we will read two scenes

from the eight
time Academy Award

nominated film "Raging Bull."

Did you fudge my wife?

What?

Did you fudge my wife?

It's a sick question,
and you're a sick fudge.

I sipped your brother's coke.

You sipped my brother's coke?

Yeah, I sipped his coke.

I sipped all their cokes.

What do you want me to tell you?

End scene.

Well, that fudging sucked.

Who-- who would be
angry at someone

because he sipped
his brother's coke?

Because it's not his coke.

You're acting like a
child, a stupid child.

Well, that was the
evidence portion.

Now we'll move on to voting.

When Glenn and I will
each vote for the person

they think won the debate.

My pen doesn't work.

Sure.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Glenn and I both voted.

And Glenn will pull
out a ballot so we can

tally up who won this debate.

OK, that's one
vote for Joanna.

Mhm.

And one vote for Glenn.

Did you vote for me?

Yeah.

I voted for you.

- Did you really?
- Yeah.

I voted for you,
I thought you did

a really good job this time.

Yes.

I really-- I know I said
some things but I know

your evidence was really good.

I was mad at you
so I didn't want

to admit that you were right,
but I think you're right.

So we didn't crack
this one, whether or not

to curse in front of children.

But thanks, everyone,
for watching.

Definitely leave an
opinion in the comments

as to whether or
not you think it's

OK to curse in front of kids.

Glenn and I have to
go to a tracheotomy.

It's going to be weird
not to have a trachea.

I know.

They're just
going to take it out.

I think they don't
take the whole thing.

I think they just stab you
in the neck real quick.

And then you have a hole.

Yeah.

We don't need it.

So is it hard to be
in a band while also

being full time baristas?

What's in a mocaccino?

My name is Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach who's
helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you guys are going to be
performing at Governors Ball?

Pretty excited about that?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm excited too

because I'm hoping that can
get up there and scat with you

guys.

How do you have scat?

Like, sing like
one line from one of your songs

that you'll be performing.

Across the
street

It's not going to happen.

Keep going, it's great.

The only way I'm
going to let you

tape this is if you'll
put it everywhere.

But, seriously,
where did you guys

come up with the name
of your album "Return

to Cookie Mountain?"

We're in one of those places
where you paint ceramic,

and then like you get a
present for your birthday?

And you had balloons and
cake and all different kinds

of, like, things.

And all your friends
were there and you

were turning five years old.

Sounds, like, kind of
developmentally disabled people

I know.

I think you're just being
racist against children.

OK, I'm going
to read the lyrics

to your song, "Wolf Like
Me" and just give you

a little bit of feedback, OK.

"Say, say my playmate,
won't you let--"

Who is that?

Who's calling?

It's probably my ex Darrent.

Tell him to go F himself.

And then tell him
you were kidding.

"Say, say my playmate,
won't you lay hands on me,

mirror my malady,
transfer my tragedy."

OK, I get it.

It's a song parody of "Say,
say my playmate," right?

But I think it would
be better if you

kind of just did the original.

Who knows the hand thing?

Say say oh playmate,
come out and play with me,

bring out your geometry,
climb up my apple tree,

forever more, more 1, 2, 3, 4.

Yes.

I feel bad about that.

OK, let's see you two try it.

I don't think that
this is fruitful.

So I was googling your band.

And one of the articles
that kept coming up

was six reasons why
"Beverly Hills 90210"

was the ultimate teenage TV.

Which character from
"90210" do you guys

each identify the most with?

I'm Black so I didn't.

Kind of matter demographic.

No, was there a
Black kid on the show?

Yeah, he just
wasn't a regular.

I was Iron
Ziering's character.

Steve.

Steve.

That's
a good choice, OK.

Going with Steve.

Dylan?

I'll take Dylan, for sure.

One of you
has to be the dad, Jim Walsh.

I'm so sorry but I
think that's you.

Dude, she called
you Jim Walsh.

That's cool.
I don't care.

I don't know who that is.

That's cold.

Oh, you're very
similar to him.

So your music works in so many
different types of genres,

you know.

But it makes them all
sound like garbage.

So I'm just wondering,
how is that possible?

Mm.

What did those-- what
are you guys, ghosts?

What are you guys, haunting
this place with your bad tunes?

We're
forming a new band.

The
past, the present,

the future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm celebrity
psychic Emily Heller.

And I'm here with
actress Eliza Coupe.

So did you have a question
you wanted to ask the cards?

Yes, yes.

I just want to know if I
should fake my own death.

I think I'd like to be
the first person to accept

a posthumous Emmy humorously.

I think it would just be a
great publicity thing for me,

you know.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Wish I could say you were the
first person to ask me that.

I mean, I can, I
would just be lying.

First
card, the moon.

God, I love this card.

So there's two dogs,
flirty little lobster.

Flirty.

Really blue ocean,
really blue sky.

Yea.

Just the bluest sky.

Yeah, I mean it's very-- it's

Just really blue.

It's just really one
of the most beautiful

things I've ever seen.

Are you all right?

I'm sorry, the mushrooms
just kicked in, like, just now.

- You've got mushrooms.
- Oh yea.

Right now.

Oh yeah.

Oh, are we all
on mushrooms or--

OK.

Next
card, temperance.

Have you felt this yet?

No, I didn't get a chance to.

Try it now.

No, I'm going to let you.

You seem-- your--

I'll take my turn later.

That's really nice of you.

Yea.

We should hang out more.

OK.

I was talking to the lamp.

Obviously, right.

Next
card, ten of swords.

What's with the
swords over here?

I don't know.

It doesn't look good, does it?

Who says that to somebody?

I'm sorry.

I mean-- it sounded mean.

That sounded like I was--

Are you mad at me?

No.

I'm just-- I want you
to have a good trip.

Ah, do you maybe we flip
the next card or you just--

Do you want to go on a walk?

Next
card, the hierophant.

OK, I definitely cannot
deal with the fucking

hierophant right now.

What's a hierophant?

I mean, look at him.

Cannot deal.

Next
card, the devil.

OK, no.

That's-- no.

Is this bad for me?

I don't-- that's not--

I just want to
be really clear.

I'm really worried right now.

I kind of feel like I--

I think I need to
take my clothes off.

I don't know.

That's going to fix a lot.

No, I don't--

I don't think you should.

I think-- really, guy--

Just, we don't have
to do this right now.

We can just-- we can--

let's get back to that.

Remember, that was fun.

Remember that?

Yeah, I get into
that a little bit more.

That's probably a good idea.

Next card, the fool.

OK, so this is pretty clear.

Don't fake your own death.

Yeah.

Don't do it.

Obviously, I just--
it kind of just a light

bulb went off because there's--

only just said in front
of all these cameras.

Can I give you a hug?

Thank you.

Of course, of
course, of course.

OK, yeah.

OK.

OK.

Yeah.

I really like this.

Mhm, yeah.

Wait, come on, hey.

hee, hee, hee, hee,
what, what you want,

what you need, back
and forth in the weeds,

no matter where you
go or what you see,

hey, you got to
get funky, you got

to spend some time
to be out of line,

you getting up and feeling fine,

You've got jobs and I've got
mine, you got to get funky,

what, you know what, you
know what I was thinking,

what I think you can I know you
could, yeah, what I think you

might I know you
should, come on,

with the backstreet cats down in
the hood, you got to get funky,

you see, you might be
large you might be tall,

you're going to get fucking,

I need
you all with me.

I need you all with me.

Wait, come on, hey.