All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E05.Whatever.Either.Way.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

My name is Bud Wheeler, and
I'm the team portrait taker

for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Yeah, so before I
take the team photo,

I say, tall guys in the back.

Which gets a laugh because
all the guys are tall.

So for years and
years, I was taking

Polaroids of the team practice.

Then one day, Pat
Riley screamed,

hey, get that clown with
the camera down here.

It's time to take a team photo.

Music to my ears.

Yeah, I have an entire
roll film from '87.

It's unusable because
Kareem's balls were sticking

out from underneath his shorts.

That's actually the
reason why the NBA

made regulation shorts longer.

Kareem Abdul's Jaballs.

How many times have
I made that joke?

Dozens.

The greatest team
portrait of all time?

That's easy.

"The Last Supper" by da Vinci.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm out there.

You can follow me on Instagram
@CelticsEatChodes2012.

Uh, because the
Celtics eat chodes,

and I joined Instagram in 2012.

I got a little advice
for aspiring NBA team

photographers.

Just keep taking team photos.

Maybe, you know, you're
taking a team photo

of a YMC softball team
or a girl volleyball

or prison basketball.

Just keep at it,
and one day we might

call you up to the big dance.

I'm Bud Wheeler, and
I have my dream job.

We are the
Kings of PowerPoint.

Yeah, we're so damn
good at PowerPoint

that we can take any
idea, no matter how crazy,

and prove that it's true.

Today's topic-- balloon
animals are real animals.

This is absolutely true, OK?

Point number one,
Latin says so "animal"

comes from the Latin
word "animalis,"

which means having breath.

And what are balloon
animals full of?

Breath.

Boom!

Whoa, guys.

Proves itself.

Oh, man.

Anything from
Latin must be true,

because it's the official
language of science

and the Catholic Church.

Two groups that
get along great.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Next slide.

Look at these two images.

You see any differences?

No.

Not really.

- Which one's the sperm?
- I don't know.

I can't tell.

Point to one.

That one.

That one's the sperm.

No, we pointed
to the wrong ones.

Next slide.

Oh, here's a big one, guys.

OK, when balloon
animals get old--

They-- they
wither and they die.

Remind you of anything?

Just like real animals.

If you keep them around for
too long, they get wrinkly

and they shrivel
up on the floor.

Just because it's sad
doesn't mean it's not true.

Which actually applies to
the next slide that we got.

Boom.

They both make a sound when
you poke them with a pin.

99% of the things that
you poke with a pin,

they don't make a sound.

It's true.

That's nuts when you
think about it, right?

You poke a pillow--

no sound.

Rocks.

David Blaine.

Hair, wigs.

We could keep going forever.

Are we putting you
to sleep, millennials?

The powers that be
said we have to move on.

I'm sorry.

Wasn't Mr Rogers a half an
hour or something like that?

We all watched that as kids.

And then all of a
sudden, oh, two minutes,

more than two minutes, I'm
going to go take a nap.

I'm going to be on
my phone, texting

and Venmo-ing people money.

Eat my !

Next slide.

Mm-hmm.

All right, animal bodies
are mostly balloons.

Stomach-- balloon.

Lungs-- balloons.

Veins-- long, thin balloons.

Ultimately, animals are just
a series of balloons, which

is exactly what balloon
animals are, because balloon

animals are real animals.

Come on, guys.

We just proved it to you!

Boom!

We used logical reasoning
to prove it to you, OK?

Sit down!

Oh, no animals or
balloon animals were harmed

in the making of this film.

None at all.

Except for your brains,
because they exploded.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Come on.

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

What?

Hit me.

What you want, what you need?

Haha.

Back and forth in the weeds.

No matter where you
go or what you see,

hey, you got to get funky.

In space and time
be out of line.

Getting up and feeling fine.

You get yours and I'll get mine.

You got to get funky.

You know.

You know what I'm thinking.

Well, I think you can.

I know you could.

Yeah.

Well, I think you might.

I know you should.

Come on.

With the backstreet
cats down in the hood.

You got to get funky.

She might be low,
she might be tall.

She might be out to have a ball.

Might look like she got it all.

You got to get--

Wow.

Come on.

Hey!

Ba da da da
da, 7 minutes in heaven.

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in
Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with
Connie Britton.

Hi, Connie.
- Hi.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for having me.

Was "Friday Night
Lights" your, like, to you,

what "Perfect Strangers"
was for Balki?

Is that your Balki?

Is that fair?

Kind of broke you out?

- That's really a good analogy.
- Bronson Pinchot?

That's a really--

Yeah, "Friday Night Lights"
is truly like that for me.

Yeah, it broke--
broke everything.

So thank you.

Thank you for seeing me.

- I see you.
- Thank you.

Avatar.

Check it out, DVD.

I'd like you to say this
sentence in Chinese.

Do you--

Shut-- OK.

Is it-- are you rusty?

A little bit, but
let's hear what you--

let's hear what it is.

"Wo ai--" I can't believe
I'm actually doing this.

"Wo ai Blue Man group."

Because you can't
translate Blue Man Group.

No, you don't want to.

It's only-- it's only--
you wouldn't want to.

"Wo ai Blue Man Group.

Bu zhi dao."

Just saw Blue Man group.

Uh, no thanks.

Have you ever had
a hookup buddy?

Oh, end of-- end of question?

Yeah it's a two-parter.

OK.

Have I ever had a hookup buddy?

Probably.

Like, at this
point in your life,

do you feel like it would have
to be like a comedy writer

from New York?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Did you mean you?

Oh, whatever.
Either way.

Oh.

OK.

Did you mean me?

Um, it's getting-- it's
so hot in here, right?

It's hot.

Tweet, tweet.

It's the time on our show when
we talk about the tweets that

have been going on Twitter.

Just kidding.
- Oh, God.

You didn't think
we had that segment?

I'm like, my face
just literally dropped.

We're going to do
some closet theater.

We're hanging out in a
closet, and we know each other

but don't really
care for each other.

And then we both
get a text that says

that everyone else in the world
has died and we have to, like,

reconsider our options,
our only remaining option.

So cool.

Everything's good.

Hmm.

I wonder where my
bus is, because it

seems like it's taking for--

Ever.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

I got to take this.

What?

Oh, great.

What?

Everyone--

Oh.

Oh, my God.

That just sucks.

That's sucky news.

That's a bad text.

What ice cream do you like?

Doesn't matter.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

We'll just crank out
a couple of kids and--

Hmm.

Well, and I have no more
things to tell you or ask you.

Really?

Thank you so much for
coming in the closet.

Thanks for having
me in the closet.

It was really nice to be here.

Did-- do you--

do you like me?

- What do you mean?
- Like I know you just met me.

- Like, like like you?
- Like at all.

Like like-- like like you?

Just like at all.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

See that was nice.

Oh, yeah!

I got your yin yang pog.

I got to take a leak.

Hah.

Look at how high
Blake's pants are.

What a dweeb.

What?

They're regular height.

Come on, Blake.

We're in middle school.

Don't you know all the
kids sag their pants now?

So I should wear
them like this?

Finally.

Good job.

- What if I sag them further?
- Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Blake.

Slow down, man.

I don't think you can
handle that much cool.

Ooh, you're scared
of my sagging skills?

Whoa, seriously, Blake.

You're bordering on dangerously
high levels of cool here.

Whatevs.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, Blake.

No!

Hello?

Hello, Blake.

Who are you?

I am the designer,
creator of the sag.

What happened?

You sagged so hard,
bro, that you broke

through your own
plane of existence

into this void between
time and space.

Whoa.

Cool.

In fact, your sagging has
made you the straight dopest

kid at your middle school.

All the girls want to
make all the sex with you

and give you lots of
wet tongue kisses,

except for Maggie, who still
only likes you as a friend.

What happens if I sag further?

Sag further and
you'll become da one,

the coolest person in
all existence, half Tony

Hawk, half Will Smith.

Nice.

But it comes at a price.

Such coolness would destroy your
world and everyone you love,

so you must make
a choice, Blake.

Sag further and become da one.

Or sag less and continue your
meaningless existence of soccer

practices and trumpet lessons.

Choose wisely.

Oh, no.

He's reaching to take
his pants even lower.

That's it.

I'm pulling the plug.

Wait.

He's starting to believe.

You forgot one thing.

Oh?

And what would that be?

I don't sag to stand out.

I sag to fit in.

What?

No, not this, Blake.

No!

Guys, I saved the world
by sagging the right amount.

Yay!

Not-- not the biggest
fan of Thanksgiving.

Uh, I don't really know
much about Thanksgiving.

I get it.

It's a part of, like,
culture and America.

If I could stop it,
yes, absolutely, I would.

My favorite foods?

I just like, I
don't know, grass.

I really love seeds.

Kind of my guilty pleasure.

I love feed.

Yeah, just basically
anything on the ground.

Wow.

Food.

No.

No.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Absolutely-- I
know what this is.

Oh, you, man.

Are you kidding me?

That's not-- that's not funny!

Is that real?

Oh, why would you do this?

I have to eat this?

I am not going
to eat this turkey!

If you don't eat
it, you won't get paid.

That's-- I need to get paid.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh my goodness.

I'm here to eat it.

But I want everyone
to know that I--

I don't want to eat it.

Oh, fuck.

Oh my God.

It feels like me.

I can't-- I can't get it down.

I will say it's well prepared.

Oh!

It's way worse than
I thought it would be.

I'm going to
take one more bite,

but not because I want to.

Oh, this is me!

I hate Thanksgiving.

Yeah, you heard me.

I hate Thanksgiving.

Hmm.

I can have this
whole thing, right?

OK, you know what?

I think I think I've
had enough here.

You know, this is my friend
and I think I own her.

I just want to fly home.

I can't because I'm a turkey.

Hmm.

Honestly, you know what?

I get Thanksgiving now.

Yo, what's up, guys?

How's it going?

- Hello.
- How are you?

- Alec.
- Baldwin.

I am.

You guys are married.

Oh, yeah.

You have four kids.

- Yeah.
- Two of your own.

Yes.

And two in the
foster care system.

Yes.

Correct.

How difficult is
the foster care system

in the state of Pennsylvania?

It's tough.

What made you decide you
wanted to have foster children?

Well, we've always
talked about adoption,

and that was kind of always
a goal for our family.

We have fostered
seven children total.

Do you deal with your
kids or your foster children

and your biological
children exactly the same,

or is there a way you
deal with them differently

and you just can't help it?

It is different.

You can't treat the children as
they're your own, because you

don't have that freedom.

We don't treat them differently.

Right, but your
rights are different.

Yeah.
Our rights are different.

Like you can tell
to your own kids,

get out there and
rake those leaves.

With the foster kids,
you got to be like,

would you mind
raking the leaves?

While you're shuttling
all these kids

from these different levels
of these systems and so forth,

when did you have
time to have sex

to have two of your own kids?

- Well, we had them first.
- That was before.

- You had them first.
- We had them first.

And you're like,
oh, we've done that.

That whole sex
thing, having sex.

- Try something new.
- Yeah.

What's more work--

More challenging.

having sex and
going through pregnancy

for nine months or going
through the foster system--

And filling out forms.

and just getting
a kid delivered.

You know, I would
have originally said

having the pregnancy
and all that,

but going through foster
is 10 times harder.

How long have
you known each other?

Um, 12 years?

If you tell me that you're
childhood sweethearts,

I'm going to throw
up in my mouth.

13 years.
Yeah, we met in college.

We met in college.
We've known each other--

You're college sweethearts.

What'd you
study in college?

Music.

What do you do?

I'm actually director
of music at my church.

What kind of church?

- Catholic, Christian?
- Baptist

OK, cool.

Did you meet in a religious
organization in college?

Yes.

Well, we went to a
Christian college.

I must have my picture on
the wall here, people like me

and like with a big red
line through my face.

Don't be like that.

Whatever he does, do the
opposite, however he lives.

So you don't have
any kind of problems

in your relationship, none?

Oh, yeah.
Sure, we do.

Oh, yeah.
Sure.

OK What's something
you'd like to see

change in this relationship?

OK, so he got a new car
a couple of months ago.

Every time I drive
it, I get a 10

minute lecture about the
proper way to drive this car.

You're supposed to push
the brakes this way

and the accelerator this much.

- You're OCD, aren't you?
- Oh, yeah.

Definitely.
- You're OCD.

I got-- I got some
hand sanitizer for you.

I'm more on the obsessive
than the compulsive part.

So we have four
kids under six.

How's that-- how's the
O and the C going there?

Yeah, that's hard.

How does someone
with OCD change

someone else's kid's diaper?

It's hard for me, even.

It's very-- that was one of the
things we weren't expecting.

It's very hard to deal with
other people's children's poop.

Really?

It's really hard.

Do you really change
a diaper of a child

that's not your biological
child and feel like that--

I don't have any DNA
linked to that poop?

When it's your kid's
poop, it's like clay.

Your kid's poop doesn't
make you want to vomit.

Other-- other kids--

Isn't it funny how
life's like that?

Yeah.

She wants you to be
less OCD in the car.

What do you want her to change?

Well, it'd probably
be the opposite.

What I struggle with is
stuff like where she stacks,

you know, stuff at
piles of things.

What if she doesn't change?

What are you going to do?

- I'm going to roll with it.
- You're going to roll with it.

- Yeah.
- Why?

Probably because I do realize
that people are different.

So I'm probably not--

And you roll with it because?

Because you love me.

Yeah, thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Remember that?

God, you're dumb.

I'm going to pray for you.

What do you love most about him?

That he really loves
and cares for his family.

And that he's a really great
dad and spends a lot of time

with his kids.

What do you love
most about her?

She is probably
the most industrious

person I've ever met,
gracious, extremely generous

and hospitable.

You two really are Christians.

Because all you talk about
is each other's virtue.

Neither one of you said,
because of all the sex

we're going to have in
Puerto Rico for eight days.

- They're real Christians.
- They're real Christians.

- That's good.
- The sex is like--

A lot of people
are fake Christians.

They're real Christians.

Yeah, you're real Christians.

Everything about he's
so good, she's so good.

Goodness and decency
is what you crave.

That's your sweet spot.

Yeah.

I mean, that's more important.

That's your daily life.

That's what you
have to live with.

You know what I say to that?

I say amen.

Amen to that.

Hi.

Hi, Mr. Bennett.

Thank you so much for coming in.

Thank you for seeing me.

It's very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Please have a seat.
- Thank you.

Hi.

I'm Cheryl.
And I'm Jim.

And
this is the commentary

track for a job interview.

Which I
think went pretty well.

Are we talking
about the same interview?

Sorry?

Because
"pubic relations" is

not a position at this company.

Maybe at a brothel.

That was strike one.

Oh, my.

It was supposed to say
"public relations."

I honestly thought I
spell checked that.

Well,
"pubic" is a word.

Watch your mouth.

We're in an office.

Well, let's just start.

Why don't you tell me a
little bit about yourself?

Well, I've been in
public relations forever,

probably before you were born.

This was not good.

I don't mind working
for a younger boss.

I really don't.

How old are you?

That was strike two.

I'm sorry.

When I get nervous,
I talk too much.

I get flustered.

You sweat a lot.

And I sweat a lot.

But that's not from nerves, OK?

I have hyperhidrosis.

Hyperhidrosis?

It's a
biological condition

that results in excess
perspiration of the forehead,

the armpits, the anus.

But it has never stopped me
from getting the job done.

Are
you still interviewing?

Yeah, isn't
this the second interview?

Jesus.

So what unique
skills do you think

you could bring to this team?

Well I think I have
several unique skills.

I'm so sorry about this.

And strike three.

Now I'll just go
through the motions

while I think about
what I'm going

to get in my chopped salad.

It's off.

This is off completely.

This never happens to me.
I want you to know that.

That's true.

I always keep my phone on
silent, but lesson learned.

And when hired, it will
never happen again.

Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry.
- Can you hold on a second?

Yay.
- Honey buns.

Yeah.

I'll have a steak, sure.
Not too overcooked.

I got to go I love you, baby.

Bye-bye.

What would you say is
your greatest weakness?

I would have to say--

Job interviews?

- I care too much.
- Oh?

How so?

Well my daughter
jokes that I should

call her work, because it's
clear which one I love more.

Strike
four, if we're still counting.

It's just a joke.

I like that.

Did you ever hear the one about
the and the ??

You can stop now, Mr. Bennett.

I don't want to hear that joke.

That's
definitely strike five.

So do you have any
questions for me?

Yeah, what can I expect
to make here money-wise?

Strike six.

I owe my former company
a little bit of cash.

Strike seven.

And I could really
use an advance.

Strike eight.

Long story short,
my previous boss--

a bit of a tattletale.

What a bitch.

Strike nine.

That's three outs, side retire.

Wow,
you're a big baseball fan.

Well, Mr. Bennett, thank
you for coming in today.

And we will let you know.

Just out of curiosity,
though, how much do you make?

I'm guessing five figures?

That's none of your business.

Six figures?

Wow.

I'm just
a straight shooter.

And that's the kind of
honesty you can expect

from me when you hire me.

You can't work here.

We already hired someone else.

What?

They
are at the desk that

would have been yours
because they didn't

up their job interview.

Is it because
of my sweaty man disease?

Because, you know, that's
covered by the Americans

with Disabilities Act.

Speaking of, what's the
handicapped parking situation

here?

Really nice meeting
you, absolutely.

Do you have a toilet
on this floor?