Original subtitles

Guys, I'm sorry to interrupt.

You're both very handsome and I like the misfits.

I got to ask you, are you guys single?

Hey, beautiful people, would you

like to be a part of our dating game show happening

upstairs in the YouTube space?

You'll find love. - We're dating.

Yeah. - I'm his girlfriend, so no.

- Six years. - Six year?

- Six years. - Yeah.

Proposal already.

What am I doing here?

What am I doing with my life?

Hello, how are you?

Can I ask you a question?

Can I interview your fetus?

You can.

So what's it like?

What are you eating?

- Whatever mom's eating. - Why are you talking?

Wait, let me just talk to-- Bye.

Mwah. You're in?

Yeah, I'm in.

Hug me, Katrina.

All right.

We've just brought up all of the contestants from the street.

The bachelor has not yet seen any of the ladies

competing for his heart.

He's going to ask them some questions

and select the winner based on their responses.

This is the show where you

might find true love or sex.

All right.

Let's get started, ladies.

All right.

We have our lovely contestants here.

Let's first meet the bachelor today.

Bachelor, what is your name?

My name's Brad.

You look like a Brad, handsome hunk.

Dave, do you want to introduce to us,

please, the lady contestants over there?

I'd love to.

Bachelorette number one, where are you from?

I'm from Melbourne, Australia.

So you came a long way.

I did.

Bachelorette number two, where are you from?

I'm from Queens.

Oh, you came a long way.

Bachelorette number three, where are you from?

Melbourne, Australia.

Oh, OK.

Good interviewing.

Thanks.

I felt like I was on 60 Minutes.

You see me in a supermarket and think I'm cute,

how do you start a conversation?

We're going to start with you, bachelorette number one.

I would get a bag of limes and then throw them on the floor.

And then get him to help me pick up the lines,

and say, oh, I'm so bad at pick up limes.

And then high-five myself.

- Limes. - That is great.

She reminds me a lot of my grandmother.

Bachelorette number three, what

would be your opening line?

Bump into him and then apologize.

And then start it from there.

Hmm, kinky.

- I don't know if it's kinky. - That's OK.

I didn't know if--

I got confused.

If you could be any breakfast cereal, which would you be

and why? Good question.

Interesting.

Bachelorette number three, we're going

to start with you this time.

Probably Sultana Bran.

I don't know if you guys have it here.

What about-- what about if you were a real cereal?

I don't really know American.

That's OK.

Why would you be the fake one?

Because it's healthy and sweet.

Oh, we're having a good time.

Bachelorette number two.

I guess, Cheerios.

Oh, OK.

Because you're good for the heart.

Because I'm good for the heart.

Oh, my god.

Did you think about that all on your own?

Look at you.

You're a superstar.

Bachelorette number one, what type of cereal

would you be and why?

I'd say oatmeal just because I like it.

So you like yourself then?

You can have it sweet or savory.

Oh, yeah.

So I can be nice or mean.

So bachelorette number one is bipolar.

If you could be any nationality but your own,

which would you be and why?

Bachelorette number two.

I would have to say Brazilian.

The warm weather that they have out there and their culture

and their music.

And they do do a great wax.

They do.

They do.

Wait, how do you know about that?

Yeah.

It's time for you to make a decision.

So I ask you Brad, of these three ladies,

who is it that you would like to spend the rest of your life

with?

I'm going to go number three.

Number three.

Bachelorette number three, what is your name?

Laura.

Laura, go meet Brad.

Please meet in the center.

Oh, that's what we like to see.

Oh.

All right, guys.

I think we do have a tradition every time we bring

a couple like this together, we'd like to have

you share the first dance.

So would you guys just get into position?

Maybe you could put your hands back there.

You guys enjoying this? - Yeah.

- Yeah, it's all right. - OK.

We're going to sway with you.

So you can't hear the music, but it's there.

All right.

Let's bring our other contestants in.

We want to thank our wonderful contestants today.

And we hope that maybe next time we can make yet

another love connection here.

Monkey love.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Monkey love.

Thank you for meeting me all the way out here,

Ms. Pickles.

I know it's not ideal, but we need to keep things discreet.

A respected senator like myself can't

be caught sneaking off in the middle of the night

with a hot babe like you.

Oh my, god, look at you.

I just want to touch you and stroke your hair.

Nobody can find out about this, especially not my wife,

my plain and lovely wife.

Yuck.

The other day, she brought me breakfast in bed.

Who does that?

Ugh, crumbs all over the place.

It was gross.

I just get so bored of it all.

Always voting on bills and shaking hands

with chubby people I don't even care about.

Sometimes, I just get so, mmm, horny.

But I need to keep up appearances for the public, Ms.

Pickles, because I'm representing the people

of my state and all that shit.

I can't be seen, mmm, touching your nipples

and your butt cheeks.

Oh, my god.

I wish we didn't have to play this game,

but if people found out-- - Oh, hey, oh.

Son of a bitch.

You're that senator from the government, right?

Yes.

Hello there, working class voting man.

Oh, man.

Who is this smoking babe you're with?

Hey, watch yourself.

This is one of my top political advisors.

Oh, yeah.

OK.

All right, then bye.

That was close.

Oh, my god.

What are you doing?

Why are you sucking on those mashed potatoes like that?

Are you trying to get me all hot and bothered here?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

No.

Mmm.

Oh, sweet mother.

That's it, I need you right now.

I don't care who sees.

I want the world to know I'm hot for you, Ms. Pickles.

Oh, got it.

Oh, I'm going to sell this to the news for a million dollars.

so scared to lose.

OK.

Spider-Man.

Oh, Spider-Man, thank you

so much for saving me from the Green Goblin

and bringing me home.

Hey, it's all in a day's work for your friendly

neighborhood Spider-Man, even if that

neighborhood is in New Jersey.

You know, I just want to say, you have a really lovely home.

I think my entire New York City apartment would

fit inside your living room.

Oh, you mean you don't have a spider castle or something?

Who am I?

Dr. Doom?

Green Goblin might have been after my boss

because this morning, I--

Hey, just curious, sorry.

How many bedrooms does your place have?

Oh, we have three bedrooms.

Wow.

So enough for you and--

My husband and son.

Right, right.

And if you had an elderly aunt you needed to take care of?

We'd have the room, but then we

wouldn't have a guest bedroom.

A guest bedroom?

I have to sleep in a hammock made

out of webbing in a closet, which

dissolves hourly by the way.

I don't get a lot of consecutive hours of--

My boss goes on long trips upstate.

Oh, OK.

Right, right.

So have you seen anything suspicious?

No.

I don't see much because I started working from home

a couple of days a week.

Shut your mouth.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I have a home office.

No, you don't.

Are we arguing?

I don't think so, because we both think

your house is amazing.

A home office?

You get to set your own hours?

Oh, Spider-Man, I think I know why the Green

Goblin was chasing me.

You see, this morning--

Was it because he wanted to go for a swim

in your in-ground pool?

Because damn, woman, that is nice.

No.

No, I grabbed this flash drive from my boss

by mistake this morning.

Oh, OK.

Well, then we need to see what's on that flash drive.

Where's your computer?

In the computer room.

You mean the home office?

Oh, no.

I have a home office and a computer room.

I hate you so much.

Aah.

Watch out, that's a pumpkin bomb.

Come out, come out, come out to your expansive back patio

with fire pit.

Oh, who'd you have to kill to get this deal?

Seriously, who'd you kill?

I'm hiding in the basement.

Basement?

Hey, Goblin, you dropped something.

Nicole, Nicole, you have a basement?

Yeah.

I live in a basement right now,

underneath a Chinese restaurant.

Everything I own smells like egg rolls.

Oh, god, what am I doing with my life?

You know, with so many villains crowding around New York City

right now, it's only a matter of time

before they move to the outer areas, OK?

You and your family may need protection from--

You can't move in with me.

Son of a bitch.

That's No, no, no, no, no.

Hi, I'm Glenn.

I just started working here at Above Average,

and I had some questions for Patty, our head of HR,

as to what I can and can't do in the office.

Can I smoke pot in the office?

Nope.

What if it's just a little bit?

It's not legal.

What if I really want to?

Still not legal.

So don't smoke pot in the office anymore.

OK, what if I hate closing the stall door when I pee?

Is that OK?

No, you're going to have to close the door.

OK. Hear me out.

OK.

If I'm sexually harassing someone

but I say it's sexual harassment, is that OK?

Sexual harassment is never OK.

Kind of saw that one coming.

So if I want to ask people who in the office would

you most want to have sex with, is that OK?

It's a fun question.

It's like work talk.

No.

If I fart on Andrew, is that OK?

Not OK.

If it's on accident though, I can't get fired?

- Correct. - OK.

But he's not going to accidentally

like be under your butt.

No, that would be crazy.

Yeah.

But again, you're not going to be doing this on purpose.

No, no.

This is accident.

Yeah, it'll be on accident.

Can I wear pants to work?

Is that OK?

Absolutely.

Just pants though.

No.

Too bad, I got a great pair of pants.

Sometimes my hands get tired and so I rest them like this,

is that OK?

If it makes anyone around you uncomfortable--

It does.

Then you can't.

Oh, OK.

So what if I needed to make up a list of just different words

for jizz, is that OK?

Why would you need it?

To easy-- for easy reference.

So I can just look and be like, yes.

Yeah.

Like I've just been calling it my jizz list.

I'm sorry.

We can move on if you're getting uncomfortable.

Yeah, let's move on.

I'm just going to mark that down as a maybe.

I stuck something on Andrew's chair so he would sit on it,

is that OK?

Is it a cushion?

No, it's my thumb.

So right before he goes to sit down.

Just that.

No, no.

So what if I prefer to call it "the shitter" instead

of the bathroom, is that OK?

Like if your parents came to the office,

I'd be like, heading to the shitter, got to drop the kids

off at the pool in the shitter.

Hey, let's start a trash fire in the shitter.

Do you wash your hands in the shitter?

I don't.

One, da, da, da, shitter two da, da, da, what a shitter,

da, da, da.

It's yours for the price of number two.

Nope, nope.

All right.

Well, I tried.

All right.

That's all the questions I have for today.

Thank you so much for meeting with me,

and I will definitely not do these things.

Please, don't.

Wow.

Come on.

Hey.

What you want, what you need.

Back and forth in the weeds.

No matter where you go or what you see,

hey, you gotta get funky.

In space and time, be out of line.

Getting up and feeling fine.

You've got yours and I've got mine.

You gotta get funky.

You know.

Wow.

Come on.

Hey.

Welcome to Never Seen It where we talk about a popular movie

that we've never seen and we try to figure out what it's about.

This week, we're talking about "Star Wars: A New Hope".

And we are talking with Melody, Glenn, and Matt

who have never seen it.

The show's called Never Seen It.

So let's start from the beginning--

what is Star Wars about?

I think the evil--

Darth Vader wants to take over all the planets.

Yeah, evil empire, the Death Star, I know that's the thing.

Do they call it the Death Star?

That's the official name?

The people on the Death Star call it the Death Star?

I'm never going to answer your question.

I think probably

a planet or something called Tattooine?

I think it's where Luke Skywalker lives.

Yeah.

So where's Earth?

There's-- in the beginning there's that scrolling text,

right? That's a thing

Oh, that probably would answer all of these questions.

I think there's a lot of information in that.

But isn't in the beginning something like in the galaxy--

Far, far away. Oh, far away.

Far, far away. Yeah.

Is Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars?

Yes.

Yeah, he is in that universe, but I

don't think he's in this movie.

He's embarrassing.

- So I have a question. - Sure.

We haven't talked about the force yet.

Yeah.

Actually, my next question is what is the force?

I don't know at all.

Me neither.

It's got to be with you, because I know that scene

where he grabs the guy's neck from across the room

or something. - Yes.

Wait, what? Darth Vader does that?

Yeah.

There's some kind of thing where he does that

and somebody gets choked out.

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

I thought it was just being good at lightsabers.

But I don't understand like if it's the ability to choke out

somebody from across the room.

They all have giant spaceships that shoot lasers,

it seems like that's not a useful ability in that world.

Chewie, what's his deal?

What's he sound like?

I'd love an impression of him.

Something like that.

You think Yoda was a big part of this movie?

I think Yoda's too old to actually train Luke,

and so Yoda says, hey, Obi-Wan Kenobi,

will you train Luke for me?

Because I'm too tired.

Yeah, there's a lot of him just taking naps and stuff.

Han Solo has a ship, I think that's what it is--

Han Solo owns a ship.

What's the name of that ship?

I'm just going to say The Empire.

I'd say it's a pretty famous ship name.

It's not the Death Star?

The Quantum-- it's not the Quantum.

Something Enterprise? Enterprise something.

Oh, the Enterprise?

It's the Enterprise.

Yup, we got it, let's move on.

You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

So this movie ends how then?

Lightsaber battle.

I feel like it's the climax.

And I think he falls down the shaft,

the Luke Skywalker falls down the shaft.

He says, Luke, I am your father.

He's like, no, I was fighting my dad this whole time.

And then he falls.

Darth Vader tells Luke that he's his father in this movie?

Yeah.

OK.

- Oh, no. - Oh, no.

Father.

Does he not?

No.

I'm so sorry to tell you that you got it wrong.

You got a bunch of things right,

but I would say got some bigger things wrong.

How have you never seen this movie?

I was cool in high school, so I didn't see it.

I was fulfilling my dream of living by myself in New York

City, then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job and my short husband

to come move to New York City, teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're--

Livin' in the city.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

You know how at the end of a long day

you just want to come home and relax?

I don't want to come home.

Oh, you scared me.

Is everything OK?

Where were you today for three hours?

I was having lunch with my friend Jesse.

You remember Jesse from home?

The only person I remember from

home is a little snot-nosed brat I used to get my business.

Oh, wait, that was you.

You know, if you're in a bad mood,

we don't need to hang out tonight.

I was going to go to bed anyway.

I have a question.

More of a theory.

A theory to posit.

A theory to posit for peer review.

Go for it.

I'm really scared.

Why would you have one apartment that you pretended

was your only apartment, but then secretly have

a second apartment that you told other people was

in fact your only apartment?

I don't know. It sounds expensive.

Uh-huh. Is it?

I don't know.

I don't do it.

Really?

Then tell me, why do you have two sets of keys?

One is my set of keys and the other one

is the spare set of keys in case mom wants to visit.

Dual lives.

A double identity.

A secret life.

I know who would do that.

The girl who pretends to be my best friend.

My best friend sister.

She's doing it right now, standing here lying to me

while she knows she keeps a second apartment

somewhere else.

If I had another apartment, I would

definitely be there right now.

Is this about why you left your husband?

I left Alan.

He didn't leave me, by the way.

I didn't think he did.

He was always very, very friendly,

like overly friendly and touchy-feely

with pretty much everybody.

So I didn't know what could be wrong.

He was boring.

OK.

We're going to be alone forever, you and me together.

We're going to be alone.

We're going to be alone.

We're going to be alone.

We're going to be alone.

Do you want to get in your own bed?

Do you want to go get in your own bed?

I wish I could be happier.

Hello, and welcome to Cocktales.

My guest today, you've seen her on "Girl Code",

and she has an upcoming show called "Loosely Exactly

Nicole", based on her life.

Please welcome Nicole Byer.

Hello.

Hello.

So Nicole, if anything I say or ask

you makes you feel uncomfortable, just use today's

safe word, which is "Idaho".

Idaho.

What sex and love advice would you give your teenage self?

I would tell my teenage self to stop being so giving.

Make those men give you something.

Yeah.

If you're going to blow a guy, he's gotta at least

go down on you.

Absolutely.

There's been times I've blown a guy

and he's just like, OK, goodbye.

And it's just like, hey.

What were some of your embarrassing adolescent

misconceptions about sex?

I found a book in the library called "Our Bodies Ourselves".

And then I was reading it and I was like, oh, my god.

I was like, mom, did daddy do this to you?

And she was like, yes.

And I was like, oh, why?

And I got older and I was like, ooh, yeah,

I want a daddy to do that to me.

What's your favorite role playing scenario?

My favorite role playing scenario?

Like I want to be somebody smart.

Like wear a lab coat and be like,

the specimen samples are bad.

Then .

I just want to be a very smart person.

So I'm going to list some qualities in a man or a woman

and I want you to tell me if you feel that they're

a turn on or a turn off.

OK.

Erotic literature that he wrote.

Oh, boy.

If he wrote me a little nasty poem, OK.

Yay.

You can read it to me and then go down on me, that's nice.

Yeah, I'll feel special.

Mm-hmm.

He's left-handed.

Maybe a turn off.

Although if he's left-handed and you're right-handed,

then when you breed, your kids will be strong.

Maybe.

Maybe they'll be ambidextrous.

Has an art history minor.

Going all night long.

Well, it depends.

Are we driving?

Are we going somewhere all night long?

Or are we all night long?

Because both are not great.

I get tired very easily.

Me too.

We don't need to draw this out.

No.

Yeah, it's not like a Judd Apatow movie.

Let's just--

Let's have our sex life be the equivalent of a Vine

or an Instagram video.

Yes.

Oh, that was good.

We sound so not fun.

I want six seconds of sex, that's it.

Get to the point, get out.

So I'm going to give you the names of a couple

of different porn parodies.

OK.

And I want you to pick one.

And then we'll improvise the first scene.

Great.

Reservoir Dogs.

Field of Wet Dreams, Willy Wonka and the Sperm Factory,

and Full Metal Jack Off.

I think I like Field of Wet Dreams.

OK.

I think that's very silly.

I could use a ball.

Ooh, I could also use a ball and more bats.

You know what would be so nice?

What?

Is if this field were wet.

I'll tell you something, I'm wet.

Cut.

Nicole, thank you so much for being a wonderful guest

on today's show.

Esther, thank you for having me.

As a parting gift, I made you something pretty special.

I'm very excited.

These are homemade flavored condoms.

Ooh.

So this one is lemon lime.

Very nice.

Yeah.

It smells good.

Yeah.

It smells citrusy.

Those are lemons and limes.

Those are fresh from my garden.

And then this flavor is tapioca.

So see, so that will have a good tapioca scent and taste.

Hmm.

Mmm.

So enjoy.

Do you think that would burn my pussy?

I-- yeah, I do, I do.

I still like these gifts.

Thank you.

You're welcome.