All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E03.They.Sound.Like.That.Couple.From.Before.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Hello.

Amee.

- Alex Baldwin.
- Alex.

That's my name.

I'm Alex Baldwin.

Alex Baldwin.

Oh, my God.

- Idris?
- Yes.

Amee and Idris.

But you guys were together.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes.
Correct?

And then you parted, correct?
- Yes.

Yes.

And then you
got back together.

Yeah.

And you're living
together now.

Again, yeah.

What wasn't that-- what was
it that you couldn't do without?

As much as I hate to
admit it, he's funny.

He's funny?

Yeah.

He makes me laugh a lot.

Without him, I feel so bored.

Netflix for that.

You don't need to go
back to your boyfriend.

You split up for
a reason, right?

Yeah.

What was the reason?

It was just like she
was just too stubborn,

and she was just--

she doesn't listen to much.

So you decided
that didn't matter.

Pretty much--

I want to go dancing.

And you called her up and said,
let's move back in together.

You didn't have to
move in together

to go dancing, by the way.

There are other women you can
go dancing with too, by the way.

That's what I've always said.

Go dance out with other girls.

I can't dance.

But dancing with
is just so heavenly.

He's so sarcastic.

You went to school now?

Yeah.

And how much more do you have?

I keep on changing
my mind when--

45 years.

You like to stay in school
forever, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I would.

If I could pay for it, yeah, I
would stay in school forever.

But do you find that it's also
some comfortability that he's

paying the bills, correct?

Yeah, he carries most
of the financial burden.

If you say most, how
much would you say?

I'll give him 75%.

What?

Uh, look at that look.

Whoa.

We're going to send
him my colleague.

He's going to help us.

Let's pull him in to get
the box out of the way.

Out the door.
- Oh.

Come this way.

I didn't realize
that was a door.

Come here.

So she is the mater.

Hi.

Now, we're going to
play a little game here.

Amee has already
answered these questions.

Oh, so I heard.

So now you are going
to battle with Sasheer.

Now see which of you can
match most of Amee's answers.

All right, now are you ready
for the first question?

Idris--

You better get this.

The reason I get so blank
is because I am Latina.

Yo.

And you hold
your board and go.

Reveal.

Angry.

Jumpy.

Jumpy.

Idris gets the point.
Let's write that down.

If Amy's parents found out
she was living with Idris,

they would blank.

And reveal.

They would freak out.

They would--

Burn down the city.

What?

Because they're Latina.

She's closer.

You two meant the
same thing, but she

was a little more specific.

She said they would stop
supporting her financially.

Oh.

You have a lot of
financial support.

Idris has let his family
down because, by age 25,

he was not what?

Reveal.

Married.

Oh, I thought they wanted--

She wrote kids.

Didn't have kids.

By 25?

So many rule that she won.

But hers was
closer than yours.

Yeah, doctors deliver babies.

Yeah, the doctors
deliver them.

Would you like to stay together?

I would love to.

Yeah.

See, his exact words
were "I would love to,"

and you go "yeah."

I'm not the type
to like really

express my emotions like that.

I know that emotional
intimacy is tough for you.

Do you like to have sex with all
the lights out and everything?

All the lights out?

That's something
that it took me a while

to get used to, actually.

Do you like to have sex
with the lights on or off?

I do now.

But before when I
started, I always

thought it's a shameful thing
then I turn the lights off.

Everyone would see me.

I didn't want anyone
to know what's going on.

Even the person
I'm having sex with.

- Exactly.
- You can't know I'm here.

What are three things you
love about yourself, Greg?

What are three things
you love about yourself?

Well, I do like my
dashing good looks.

So, I guess the first time
I was labeled a sociopath,

I was seven.

And I was with my girlfriend at
the time, who was also seven.

I feel like you still don't
understand who I am, Jake.

My therapist?

I'm a building inspector.

Your sister sent me here
because she's worried

you've made her
backhouse so disgusting

that it's unsafe for a
human being to live here.

Look, that bitch is
always trying to kick me out

of her backhouse,
but I learned I

have something called
squatters rights

from a Hebrew attorney Ofea.

So unless she pays me $10,000
in the form of cash money,

she can kick rocks.

Yeah, I just need
you to show me around

so I can make my evaluation.

This is a floor.

This is a fridge.

And this is a microwave.

See, everything in the
backhouse is normal--

it's not what you think.

I don't need to note what
you do in your spare time.

I like it to be
piping hot before I

jam it in my own asshole.

Do you have any
pets in the backhouse?

No.

What about the six cats I've
seen since I've been here?

Meows that my problem?

Some boys sit like this.

Some boys sit like that.

But the boys do sit like
this, yes, like that.

My question was, how often
do you have people over?

My name is Tim.

I'm a building
Inspector, not by choice.

My wife recently left me
for an A-list celebrity.

We're divorced now,
and I've lost custody

of three of my four children.

The one child I do have
custody of is missing.

She was last seen
playing hopscotch.

They found your daughter!

I'm sorry.

No, they didn't.

I was sleeping.

Oh, so, how did I do,
Mr. Building Inspector?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Not only am I going to
recommend that the backhouse

here be torn down,
I'm going to recommend

that the entire
property be condemned.

So sorry that
you feel that way.

Where does that leave us?

Well, let me tell you
where that leaves us.

I'm going to take my little
report here over to my boss.

He's going to look at it.

Once he approves,
we're going to walk it

right on over to city council.

They're going to
vote again a year

later who do not want another
evaluation in 18 months.

Do you have any respect
for me or my position?

I'm going to go.

I hate my job.

And I miss my kids.

There's a man living
underneath your sink.

Well, he Airbnb-ed it for
the week, so I can't exactly

kick him out now, can I?

I, uh, recently d-- drove out
to the desert just to scream.

I was fulfilling my dream of
living by myself in New York

City then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job
and my short husband

to come move to New York City,
teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're--

Living in the city.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

Belle's never had any style.

She's never known how to
show off what works about

her and hide what doesn't.

Like me, for example, I have a
6-inch diameter ward on my neck

that you can't even see.

Finally, here you go.

Do I look OK?

My date tonight is
with a photographer,

so I guess I'd
better look flashy.

Oh, you look like
a pile of garbage.

I do?

Too much makeup?

I couldn't tell you
had any makeup on.

Oh, Belle.

Oh, no.

I think he's going to
be here any minute.

You know what, I'm actually
really glad you moved in here.

I know I didn't want
you to come at first.

Because of our history?

Yeah.

But for once, I
think mom was right.

We do help each other out.

I can't remember the last
thing you ever did for me.

I'll try harder.

It's just you're sometimes--

I'm sometimes what?

Nothing.

I just have to let you be you.

All right.

Let's go fix your face.

I never thought I'd be out on
the dating scene, you know,

but I'm not sad that I am.

Let's cross now.

You really think
that looks better?

Sometimes I don't know if you're
trying to sabotage me or not.

Look at me.

I would never, ever,
ever try to hurt you.

He's here.

He-- Hello.

Hello.

Uh, hi.

I'm here to pick up Belle.

Belle, oh, Belle.

Belle, Belle, hell's Bells.

Belle is not here.

What?

She was indisposed
for the date.

Oh, the date.

Look at you.

Look at you.

Look at your face
and your little tie.

You're on a date, Mister.

What is that?

What is what?

Your breath.

It's, um, incredible.

It could be anything.

I eat small plates all day.

Uh, so where is Belle?

She's indisposed.

Give me just a minute!

Uh, we're going on a date.

I don't think so.

We're going on a date.

You're just try to
pull my poncho off.

I should stop calling you Mr.
Cute and call you Mr. Fresh.

I like to date, you
know, city guys.

Keep it pretty casual.

We'll just go out have
dinner, drinks, maybe dancing.

We don't always come
home and get stinky.

Just a second!

It's for your own good.

Gee, I hope you're having
a good time because I'm--

I'm having a wonderful time.

You got me giddy.

I feel like I sat on a feather.

You're having a-- a
strange effect on me.

My goodness, I was just--

I was just glad that you
agreed to go on a date with me.

You're so young and attractive.

No really.

You're so-- well,
obviously, attractive.

A blind man could see that.

But with those dating
sites, you never

know if somebody just
banged the word hottie

and plopped any old
photo on their profile.

Heaven knows I've
been tricked before,

but you, you're just as
beautiful in real life.

Oh, sorry, I'm probably laying
it on it too thick, you know.

It's-- but it's been a while.

See, I'm recently divorced, but
I'm trying to move past it all.

Maybe meet a nice lady who
won't rip my heart out.

But look, I don't want
to talk about my ex-wife.

I want to talk about
you, Miss Pickles.

Tell me about you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before you get into that,
you want to see my boys?

I have twin gentlemen.

Look at these cute pictures.

This one is Sergeant.

And that one there
is Frances Anthony.

Oh, they sort of hate
me, but I'm going to win

them back maybe with your help.

See, I think you'd
be a great mother.

A sweet, sweet mommy.

You could make us
a family again.

Oh, I can see us all
on vacation in Bermuda.

You and I drinking margaritas
and the boys building sand

forts looking for hermit crabs.

I know my boys would be happy to
have you tuck them in at night.

Heck, I know I would.

Oh, God, it feels
good to laugh again.

Mhm, I can picture our
life together so clearly.

Yeah, you would come into
my workshop, and I would--

I would show you the
treasures that I've made

like, oh, a hat with wheels.

Look, it made my--
my brain's on fire.

You inspire me.

I jumped into my first
marriage, and it was

a terrible, terrible mistake.

But this time, I know I
found the perfect woman.

So what do you say?

Miss Pickles, will you marry me?

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

Why don't you go to the
bathroom and think about it?

I'll just wait here
on pins and needles.

She knows how the
game is played, I see.

I'll just sit here and
wait on tenterhooks

and think about our-- our
sweet, sweet future together.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

99 bottles
of beer in the wall.

You kids settle down back there.

I hope I don't have to stop.

Ha-ha, I love these road games.

Mhm, hello, Miss Pickles.

Guess who's here?

Oh, Pickles.

This is going to go right
into my mental scrapbook

and now into my
actual scrapbook.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, your date just
smeared her own

on the walls of
the lobby and ran

screaming out into the street.

Oh, very bad.

So, um, what, you don't think
she's going to be coming back?

You know, I don't think so.

I'm sorry.

Well, hey, do you
want to marry me?

OK.

Hi.

I'm Dolores Santangelo,
surrogate mother for hire.

I'm polite, professional, and I
have an unusually strong birth

canal.

So hire me.

I want to have your baby.

Well, this is a
nice birthing suite.

Yeah, it's like
my go-to place.

It's nice.

It certainly is interesting.

Dan.

I mean, we're just happy to
be having a baby finally.

Does he really
have to be here?

Hey, my house, my rules.

Douglas has used his
house for a reasonable fee.

You didn't mention
he would be in the tub.

That's the fee.

Yeah, I mean, would you
guys be willing to spend $40

to use this place sans Doug?

Yes, of course.

Sans means without.

We know.

It must be nice.

You know, could we
please just focus?

Hey, relax.

Yeah, just give
me a few minutes.

This kid will shoot out
on me like a torpedo.

That sounds dangerous.

"That sounds dangerous."

This one time-- they sound
like that couple from before.

Oh, my God, their baby.

Oh, man, whatever
happened to them?

I don't know.

You know I never see them again
unless you want another one.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
Oh-oh.

Oh-oh.

Whale!

It's a whale!

You watching this?

Oh, wait, wait.
She loves this.

Go do it.

I'm going to do it.

The whale song.

Whale, whale.

It's whale song.

It's like the
whale's a microphone

and I'm singing about.

Whale.

How are you doing
that laughing?

Whale.

Oh, there it is.

All right, there is your load.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy!

I can tell by the penis.

Hey.

He's got a penis.

We did it.

Oh, my God.

It worked.

Aw.

OK, well, time for me to go.

That ice cream truck is
not going to drive itself.

I know what you're thinking.

You're looking at the bathroom,
and you're thinking, how does

he have such a nice bathroom?

He's an ice cream truck driver.

You should see the
rest of the house.

It sucks.

Dolores, thank you so--

where'd she go?

It's like she disappeared.

All right, time to get up.

I'm going to need help.

I going to need help getting up.

Are you OK?

I'm going to need
help getting up.

Hi.

I'm Kelly, and this
is the commentary

track on getting to high.

Right here was great.

This is when I was in
that good Tingley high,

and everything was just richer.

Ice cream.

I felt a deeper appreciation
for music like here

when I played MC
Hammer on my zipper.

Stop.

Kelly time.

That was a really
fun couple of hours.

Hammer time.

Oh, this is where I got
horrible cotton mouth,

and I was worried my lips might
get stuck like that forever.

Oh, the milk tastes like silk.

That milk was like a
day spa in my mouth.

I just had to have some
brownies to go with it.

Where did my friends go?

My compliments to the chef.

But I wish someone had told
me those were magic brownies.

31, 32.

This is where I started
counting people because I

was worried about fire code.

Oh, then I got worried because
everyone was staring at me.

Why
is everybody staring at me?

Is it because I peed my pants?

I didn't pee my pants.

I mean, it's been years.

Kel, come down.

Why are the cops here?

I'm too handsome to go to jail.

Right here, I'm
thinking, take a breath.

This will all pass.

Why
is the clock rotating?

Who's this girth?

I really found comfort all
wrapped up like a babushka.

I rocked myself into a deep
state of zen, vibrating

and rhythm with the music.

I saw all the atoms
that made this room

the entire Earth are made of,
and I was a complete peace.

And I passed out, woke
up, and went home.

Hi.

I'm Mike, and this
is the commentary

track for drinking too much.

I'm dead.

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, wake up.

Sarah, can you hear me?

OK.
We got eyes.

She's awake.

Sir, I'm an EMT.

We're in an ambulance
on the way to the ER.

My-- my leg.

What happened?

It looks like you took
a little bit of a spill.

Your legs are a
little banged up.

You passed out while
hiking and fell.

Sarah, we have
on some IV fluids.

When we found you, you
were severely dehydrated,

but you're going to be OK.

Yeah, it's like
100 degrees outside.

I'm not surprised.

You got to be careful.

I-- I'm scared.

Sarah, I'm Jerry,
and I'm here to help.

A-- are you a doctor?

No, I'm a stand up comedian.

You're in an LOL ambulance.

It's an ambulance equipped
with a stand up comedian.

I'm here to make
you laugh and help

you forget about the pain and
trauma of your hiking accident.

I'm sorry.

Am I dreaming?

No, but I have been accused
of having dreamy eyes.

And I'm guilty as charged.

Take a look and see.

You know, they say laughter
is the best medicine,

but if you asked me in
college what the best

medicine was, I'd have to
say penicillin if you I mean,

gonorrhea.

Jerry.

Oh.

Oh, that's so true.

Hey, do we have any "Star
Wars" fans in the house?

You got to believe that.

Oh.

My leg really hurts.

Shh, I want to hear this one.

So I had this neighbor.

We'll just call him Jim
because that's his name.

I'm not going to
change his name.

Jim acts like
we're best friends.

He calls me bro, if
you can believe that.

You know, one day
I said Jim, you

know what, this
isn't "Star Wars,"

and you don't
Obi-Wan Ke-know me.

My-- my leg really hurts.

I think it might be broken.

OK, I'll get you
something for the pain.

You know, sir, it looks
like it's just a bad sprain.

But we're going to get some
X-rays just to be safe.

The good news, Sarah,
is that IV drip more than

covers your two-drink minimum.

Waitress.

Aw.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He just gets me on the jokes.

Speaking of segues,
here's one right now.

So I'm walking down
the street today.

This guy stops me asked me
for money for his charity.

Oh, hell no.

I said, sir,
the only charity I

give money to is half Korean
and dances at crazy girls.

Oh, my God.

Strip club.

Please stop telling jokes.

I'm in a lot of pain,
and you are not funny.

Shut up!

Way to bring the room down.

You can't talk like that.

No, no, that's fine.

That's fine.

You know, I mean, I get--

I get paid either way.

Just trying to make
you feel better

during this traumatic moment.

Look, I'm sorry that I
said that you weren't funny.

No, no, no.

Don't be sorry, you know.

Hey, hey, you know, my
comedy is not for everyone,

and I know that.

I'll be-- I'll be
the first to say that

Just.

I'm a little freaked out.
- No.

I get-- I get it.

You don't have to--

it's fine.
I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You might as well keep
going till we get to the ER.

Really?

Yeah, it's-- it's OK.

It's not the worst--

So you heard of this
thing called Zumba?

A big exercise craze,
lots of hip movements.

It's sort of Latin.

Not to be confused with Roomba.

It's that little robot
that cleans your floors.

Which also could be
considered sort of Latin.

Oh.

That's so bad.

That is so bad.

They're getting maids.

Jerry got jokes.

Oh, who likes impressions?

Hey, Benjamin.

Hey, Dan.

You, uh, you hear about that
new social marketing position?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to interview for it.

Oh, cool.

You'd be pretty
good at that, I think.

Thanks, ma'am.

Yeah.

You want to help me
practice for my interview?

Right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like, um, throw some
interview questions at me.

OK.

Hey, Dan.

Thanks for coming in.

Oh, no problem.

I just had walk
through the door.

Uh, OK, what would you
say is your greatest flaw?

I'm pretty lazy, and
I hate lot of people.

And I still think
it's from coworkers.

Like my bag of Twizzlers?

Who am I talking to?

Is this Benjamin
or the interviewer?

Uh, I'm the interviewer.

Did you take
Benjamin's Twizzlers?

Are you going to tell Benjamin
what they tell you here?

No.

OK.

Yeah, I took the Twizzlers.

Took the out
of the whole bag.

All right, well, I'm
sorry, but we cannot

have thieves working here.

No, but I--

I already work here.

You did work here.

You're fired.

OK, you know what, I don't
even want the job.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you
piece of ...

Great, well, get out
before I call security.

Slam!

Slam the door!

Idiot.

Won't be a president.

So, how did I do?