Original subtitles

Hello.

Amee.

- Alex Baldwin. - Alex.

That's my name.

I'm Alex Baldwin.

Alex Baldwin.

Oh, my God.

- Idris? - Yes.

Amee and Idris.

But you guys were together. - Mm-hmm.

Yes. Correct?

And then you parted, correct? - Yes.

Yes.

And then you got back together.

Yeah.

And you're living together now.

Again, yeah.

What wasn't that-- what was it that you couldn't do without?

As much as I hate to admit it, he's funny.

He's funny?

Yeah.

He makes me laugh a lot.

Without him, I feel so bored.

Netflix for that.

You don't need to go back to your boyfriend.

You split up for a reason, right?

Yeah.

What was the reason?

It was just like she was just too stubborn,

and she was just--

she doesn't listen to much.

So you decided that didn't matter.

Pretty much--

I want to go dancing.

And you called her up and said, let's move back in together.

You didn't have to move in together

to go dancing, by the way.

There are other women you can go dancing with too, by the way.

That's what I've always said.

Go dance out with other girls.

I can't dance.

But dancing with is just so heavenly.

He's so sarcastic.

You went to school now?

Yeah.

And how much more do you have?

I keep on changing my mind when--

45 years.

You like to stay in school forever, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I would.

If I could pay for it, yeah, I would stay in school forever.

But do you find that it's also some comfortability that he's

paying the bills, correct?

Yeah, he carries most of the financial burden.

If you say most, how much would you say?

I'll give him 75%.

What?

Uh, look at that look.

Whoa.

We're going to send him my colleague.

He's going to help us.

Let's pull him in to get the box out of the way.

Out the door. - Oh.

Come this way.

I didn't realize that was a door.

Come here.

So she is the mater.

Hi.

Now, we're going to play a little game here.

Amee has already answered these questions.

Oh, so I heard.

So now you are going to battle with Sasheer.

Now see which of you can match most of Amee's answers.

All right, now are you ready for the first question?

Idris--

You better get this.

The reason I get so blank is because I am Latina.

Yo.

And you hold your board and go.

Reveal.

Angry.

Jumpy.

Jumpy.

Idris gets the point. Let's write that down.

If Amy's parents found out she was living with Idris,

they would blank.

And reveal.

They would freak out.

They would--

Burn down the city.

What?

Because they're Latina.

She's closer.

You two meant the same thing, but she

was a little more specific.

She said they would stop supporting her financially.

Oh.

You have a lot of financial support.

Idris has let his family down because, by age 25,

he was not what?

Reveal.

Married.

Oh, I thought they wanted--

She wrote kids.

Didn't have kids.

By 25?

So many rule that she won.

But hers was closer than yours.

Yeah, doctors deliver babies.

Yeah, the doctors deliver them.

Would you like to stay together?

I would love to.

Yeah.

See, his exact words were "I would love to,"

and you go "yeah."

I'm not the type to like really

express my emotions like that.

I know that emotional intimacy is tough for you.

Do you like to have sex with all the lights out and everything?

All the lights out?

That's something that it took me a while

to get used to, actually.

Do you like to have sex with the lights on or off?

I do now.

But before when I started, I always

thought it's a shameful thing then I turn the lights off.

Everyone would see me.

I didn't want anyone to know what's going on.

Even the person I'm having sex with.

- Exactly. - You can't know I'm here.

What are three things you love about yourself, Greg?

What are three things you love about yourself?

Well, I do like my dashing good looks.

So, I guess the first time I was labeled a sociopath,

I was seven.

And I was with my girlfriend at the time, who was also seven.

I feel like you still don't understand who I am, Jake.

My therapist?

I'm a building inspector.

Your sister sent me here because she's worried

you've made her backhouse so disgusting

that it's unsafe for a human being to live here.

Look, that bitch is always trying to kick me out

of her backhouse, but I learned I

have something called squatters rights

from a Hebrew attorney Ofea.

So unless she pays me $10,000 in the form of cash money,

she can kick rocks.

Yeah, I just need you to show me around

so I can make my evaluation.

This is a floor.

This is a fridge.

And this is a microwave.

See, everything in the backhouse is normal--

it's not what you think.

I don't need to note what you do in your spare time.

I like it to be piping hot before I

jam it in my own asshole.

Do you have any pets in the backhouse?

No.

What about the six cats I've seen since I've been here?

Meows that my problem?

Some boys sit like this.

Some boys sit like that.

But the boys do sit like this, yes, like that.

My question was, how often do you have people over?

My name is Tim.

I'm a building Inspector, not by choice.

My wife recently left me for an A-list celebrity.

We're divorced now, and I've lost custody

of three of my four children.

The one child I do have custody of is missing.

She was last seen playing hopscotch.

They found your daughter!

I'm sorry.

No, they didn't.

I was sleeping.

Oh, so, how did I do, Mr. Building Inspector?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Not only am I going to recommend that the backhouse

here be torn down, I'm going to recommend

that the entire property be condemned.

So sorry that you feel that way.

Where does that leave us?

Well, let me tell you where that leaves us.

I'm going to take my little report here over to my boss.

He's going to look at it.

Once he approves, we're going to walk it

right on over to city council.

They're going to vote again a year

later who do not want another evaluation in 18 months.

Do you have any respect for me or my position?

I'm going to go.

I hate my job.

And I miss my kids.

There's a man living underneath your sink.

Well, he Airbnb-ed it for the week, so I can't exactly

kick him out now, can I?

I, uh, recently d-- drove out to the desert just to scream.

I was fulfilling my dream of living by myself in New York

City then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job and my short husband

to come move to New York City, teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're--

Living in the city.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

Belle's never had any style.

She's never known how to show off what works about

her and hide what doesn't.

Like me, for example, I have a 6-inch diameter ward on my neck

that you can't even see.

Finally, here you go.

Do I look OK?

My date tonight is with a photographer,

so I guess I'd better look flashy.

Oh, you look like a pile of garbage.

I do?

Too much makeup?

I couldn't tell you had any makeup on.

Oh, Belle.

Oh, no.

I think he's going to be here any minute.

You know what, I'm actually really glad you moved in here.

I know I didn't want you to come at first.

Because of our history?

Yeah.

But for once, I think mom was right.

We do help each other out.

I can't remember the last thing you ever did for me.

I'll try harder.

It's just you're sometimes--

I'm sometimes what?

Nothing.

I just have to let you be you.

All right.

Let's go fix your face.

I never thought I'd be out on the dating scene, you know,

but I'm not sad that I am.

Let's cross now.

You really think that looks better?

Sometimes I don't know if you're trying to sabotage me or not.

Look at me.

I would never, ever, ever try to hurt you.

He's here.

He-- Hello.

Hello.

Uh, hi.

I'm here to pick up Belle.

Belle, oh, Belle.

Belle, Belle, hell's Bells.

Belle is not here.

What?

She was indisposed for the date.

Oh, the date.

Look at you.

Look at you.

Look at your face and your little tie.

You're on a date, Mister.

What is that?

What is what?

Your breath.

It's, um, incredible.

It could be anything.

I eat small plates all day.

Uh, so where is Belle?

She's indisposed.

Give me just a minute!

Uh, we're going on a date.

I don't think so.

We're going on a date.

You're just try to pull my poncho off.

I should stop calling you Mr. Cute and call you Mr. Fresh.

I like to date, you know, city guys.

Keep it pretty casual.

We'll just go out have dinner, drinks, maybe dancing.

We don't always come home and get stinky.

Just a second!

It's for your own good.

Gee, I hope you're having a good time because I'm--

I'm having a wonderful time.

You got me giddy.

I feel like I sat on a feather.

You're having a-- a strange effect on me.

My goodness, I was just--

I was just glad that you agreed to go on a date with me.

You're so young and attractive.

No really.

You're so-- well, obviously, attractive.

A blind man could see that.

But with those dating sites, you never

know if somebody just banged the word hottie

and plopped any old photo on their profile.

Heaven knows I've been tricked before,

but you, you're just as beautiful in real life.

Oh, sorry, I'm probably laying it on it too thick, you know.

It's-- but it's been a while.

See, I'm recently divorced, but I'm trying to move past it all.

Maybe meet a nice lady who won't rip my heart out.

But look, I don't want to talk about my ex-wife.

I want to talk about you, Miss Pickles.

Tell me about you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before you get into that, you want to see my boys?

I have twin gentlemen.

Look at these cute pictures.

This one is Sergeant.

And that one there is Frances Anthony.

Oh, they sort of hate me, but I'm going to win

them back maybe with your help.

See, I think you'd be a great mother.

A sweet, sweet mommy.

You could make us a family again.

Oh, I can see us all on vacation in Bermuda.

You and I drinking margaritas and the boys building sand

forts looking for hermit crabs.

I know my boys would be happy to have you tuck them in at night.

Heck, I know I would.

Oh, God, it feels good to laugh again.

Mhm, I can picture our life together so clearly.

Yeah, you would come into my workshop, and I would--

I would show you the treasures that I've made

like, oh, a hat with wheels.

Look, it made my-- my brain's on fire.

You inspire me.

I jumped into my first marriage, and it was

a terrible, terrible mistake.

But this time, I know I found the perfect woman.

So what do you say?

Miss Pickles, will you marry me?

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

Why don't you go to the bathroom and think about it?

I'll just wait here on pins and needles.

She knows how the game is played, I see.

I'll just sit here and wait on tenterhooks

and think about our-- our sweet, sweet future together.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

99 bottles of beer in the wall.

You kids settle down back there.

I hope I don't have to stop.

Ha-ha, I love these road games.

Mhm, hello, Miss Pickles.

Guess who's here?

Oh, Pickles.

This is going to go right into my mental scrapbook

and now into my actual scrapbook.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, your date just smeared her own

on the walls of the lobby and ran

screaming out into the street.

Oh, very bad.

So, um, what, you don't think she's going to be coming back?

You know, I don't think so.

I'm sorry.

Well, hey, do you want to marry me?

OK.

Hi.

I'm Dolores Santangelo, surrogate mother for hire.

I'm polite, professional, and I have an unusually strong birth

canal.

So hire me.

I want to have your baby.

Well, this is a nice birthing suite.

Yeah, it's like my go-to place.

It's nice.

It certainly is interesting.

Dan.

I mean, we're just happy to be having a baby finally.

Does he really have to be here?

Hey, my house, my rules.

Douglas has used his house for a reasonable fee.

You didn't mention he would be in the tub.

That's the fee.

Yeah, I mean, would you guys be willing to spend $40

to use this place sans Doug?

Yes, of course.

Sans means without.

We know.

It must be nice.

You know, could we please just focus?

Hey, relax.

Yeah, just give me a few minutes.

This kid will shoot out on me like a torpedo.

That sounds dangerous.

"That sounds dangerous."

This one time-- they sound like that couple from before.

Oh, my God, their baby.

Oh, man, whatever happened to them?

I don't know.

You know I never see them again unless you want another one.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh-oh.

Oh-oh.

Whale!

It's a whale!

You watching this?

Oh, wait, wait. She loves this.

Go do it.

I'm going to do it.

The whale song.

Whale, whale.

It's whale song.

It's like the whale's a microphone

and I'm singing about.

Whale.

How are you doing that laughing?

Whale.

Oh, there it is.

All right, there is your load.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy!

I can tell by the penis.

Hey.

He's got a penis.

We did it.

Oh, my God.

It worked.

Aw.

OK, well, time for me to go.

That ice cream truck is not going to drive itself.

I know what you're thinking.

You're looking at the bathroom, and you're thinking, how does

he have such a nice bathroom?

He's an ice cream truck driver.

You should see the rest of the house.

It sucks.

Dolores, thank you so--

where'd she go?

It's like she disappeared.

All right, time to get up.

I'm going to need help.

I going to need help getting up.

Are you OK?

I'm going to need help getting up.

Hi.

I'm Kelly, and this is the commentary

track on getting to high.

Right here was great.

This is when I was in that good Tingley high,

and everything was just richer.

Ice cream.

I felt a deeper appreciation for music like here

when I played MC Hammer on my zipper.

Stop.

Kelly time.

That was a really fun couple of hours.

Hammer time.

Oh, this is where I got horrible cotton mouth,

and I was worried my lips might get stuck like that forever.

Oh, the milk tastes like silk.

That milk was like a day spa in my mouth.

I just had to have some brownies to go with it.

Where did my friends go?

My compliments to the chef.

But I wish someone had told me those were magic brownies.

31, 32.

This is where I started counting people because I

was worried about fire code.

Oh, then I got worried because everyone was staring at me.

Why is everybody staring at me?

Is it because I peed my pants?

I didn't pee my pants.

I mean, it's been years.

Kel, come down.

Why are the cops here?

I'm too handsome to go to jail.

Right here, I'm thinking, take a breath.

This will all pass.

Why is the clock rotating?

Who's this girth?

I really found comfort all wrapped up like a babushka.

I rocked myself into a deep state of zen, vibrating

and rhythm with the music.

I saw all the atoms that made this room

the entire Earth are made of, and I was a complete peace.

And I passed out, woke up, and went home.

Hi.

I'm Mike, and this is the commentary

track for drinking too much.

I'm dead.

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, wake up.

Sarah, can you hear me?

OK. We got eyes.

She's awake.

Sir, I'm an EMT.

We're in an ambulance on the way to the ER.

My-- my leg.

What happened?

It looks like you took a little bit of a spill.

Your legs are a little banged up.

You passed out while hiking and fell.

Sarah, we have on some IV fluids.

When we found you, you were severely dehydrated,

but you're going to be OK.

Yeah, it's like 100 degrees outside.

I'm not surprised.

You got to be careful.

I-- I'm scared.

Sarah, I'm Jerry, and I'm here to help.

A-- are you a doctor?

No, I'm a stand up comedian.

You're in an LOL ambulance.

It's an ambulance equipped with a stand up comedian.

I'm here to make you laugh and help

you forget about the pain and trauma of your hiking accident.

I'm sorry.

Am I dreaming?

No, but I have been accused of having dreamy eyes.

And I'm guilty as charged.

Take a look and see.

You know, they say laughter is the best medicine,

but if you asked me in college what the best

medicine was, I'd have to say penicillin if you I mean,

gonorrhea.

Jerry.

Oh.

Oh, that's so true.

Hey, do we have any "Star Wars" fans in the house?

You got to believe that.

Oh.

My leg really hurts.

Shh, I want to hear this one.

So I had this neighbor.

We'll just call him Jim because that's his name.

I'm not going to change his name.

Jim acts like we're best friends.

He calls me bro, if you can believe that.

You know, one day I said Jim, you

know what, this isn't "Star Wars,"

and you don't Obi-Wan Ke-know me.

My-- my leg really hurts.

I think it might be broken.

OK, I'll get you something for the pain.

You know, sir, it looks like it's just a bad sprain.

But we're going to get some X-rays just to be safe.

The good news, Sarah, is that IV drip more than

covers your two-drink minimum.

Waitress.

Aw.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He just gets me on the jokes.

Speaking of segues, here's one right now.

So I'm walking down the street today.

This guy stops me asked me for money for his charity.

Oh, hell no.

I said, sir, the only charity I

give money to is half Korean and dances at crazy girls.

Oh, my God.

Strip club.

Please stop telling jokes.

I'm in a lot of pain, and you are not funny.

Shut up!

Way to bring the room down.

You can't talk like that.

No, no, that's fine.

That's fine.

You know, I mean, I get--

I get paid either way.

Just trying to make you feel better

during this traumatic moment.

Look, I'm sorry that I said that you weren't funny.

No, no, no.

Don't be sorry, you know.

Hey, hey, you know, my comedy is not for everyone,

and I know that.

I'll be-- I'll be the first to say that

Just.

I'm a little freaked out. - No.

I get-- I get it.

You don't have to--

it's fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You might as well keep going till we get to the ER.

Really?

Yeah, it's-- it's OK.

It's not the worst--

So you heard of this thing called Zumba?

A big exercise craze, lots of hip movements.

It's sort of Latin.

Not to be confused with Roomba.

It's that little robot that cleans your floors.

Which also could be considered sort of Latin.

Oh.

That's so bad.

That is so bad.

They're getting maids.

Jerry got jokes.

Oh, who likes impressions?

Hey, Benjamin.

Hey, Dan.

You, uh, you hear about that new social marketing position?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to interview for it.

Oh, cool.

You'd be pretty good at that, I think.

Thanks, ma'am.

Yeah.

You want to help me practice for my interview?

Right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like, um, throw some interview questions at me.

OK.

Hey, Dan.

Thanks for coming in.

Oh, no problem.

I just had walk through the door.

Uh, OK, what would you say is your greatest flaw?

I'm pretty lazy, and I hate lot of people.

And I still think it's from coworkers.

Like my bag of Twizzlers?

Who am I talking to?

Is this Benjamin or the interviewer?

Uh, I'm the interviewer.

Did you take Benjamin's Twizzlers?

Are you going to tell Benjamin what they tell you here?

No.

OK.

Yeah, I took the Twizzlers.

Took the out of the whole bag.

All right, well, I'm sorry, but we cannot

have thieves working here.

No, but I--

I already work here.

You did work here.

You're fired.

OK, you know what, I don't even want the job.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you piece of ...

Great, well, get out before I call security.

Slam!

Slam the door!

Idiot.

Won't be a president.

So, how did I do?