All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E02.That.Was.a.Trick.Question.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Hey, I'm Danny Krissler.

This is my acting reel.

If you like what you see,
you can beep my agent, Angela

Fart Alone at 212-555-555.

Oh, that's it.

Peace.

Peace and love.

Here's
the story of a guy named Danny.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Let's welcome
him to the stage.

Monroe Martin, everybody!

I'm back in the dating.

And well, back in the dating
and I probably stop pretty soon.

It's pointless.

It's just fucking-- ah.

I don't want to get
to know new people.

I just want to
the ones I know.

I am also new into
like weed culture.

I just started.

I don't smoke, but I just
started eating edibles

because they're delicious.

And I ate an edible
before I went on the date

three weeks ago.

And it was the
greatest shit ever.

It wasn't on purpose.

I'm not like that bored
where I'm like her.

Let me take this edible.

Every roommate whose-- she had
a piece of cake in her purse.

And I went in there
because it was open.

And I could see the
cake sticking out.

And I'm a great roommate.

And I was like, you know what?

I'mma eat this cake
because I know she's trying

to watch her weight.

So I ate the piece of
cake, and she texted me.

She was like, did you eat that?

I'm like, yeah.

She was like, that's an
edible, you dumb dumb.

And it's going to be
an awesome day.

One, I show up 45 minutes late
like a G. I didn't

even do that, ho, I'm so sorry.

I apologize for my lateness.

I just walked in like,
come on, let's eat.

Let's do this.
I know you're hungry.

You've been waiting.

I had great idea for
a movie the other day.

Oh, yeah?

- You want to hear it?
- Mm-hmm.

OK.

So you've seen a
zombie movie, right?

Mm-hmm.

They're pretty great, yeah?

Sure.

So my idea is what if zombies
actually existed in real life?

What do you mean?

OK, I mean, there's
a lot of zombie movies.

And yo, they're scary
and everything, you know?

But everyone knows
zombies aren't real.

Yeah.

But in this movie, they
actually would be real.

So your idea for a movie
is, what if zombies were real?

Yes, exactly.

That's it.

But isn't that what a
zombie movie already is?

Yeah, but that's just a movie.

Yeah.

But in the movie, zombies
are supposed to be real.

Right.

But in this movie,
it'll actually be real.

But anything that's in any
movie is supposed to be real.

Ah, no, not really.

Yeah.

So "Star Wars"
is supposed to be real?

In the movies, yes.

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

But that's how fiction works.

It's fine.

And then this is nonfiction.

Like a documentary.

We're not making real zombies.

OK, so let me
get this straight.

It's not a zombie movie, but
it's a movie about zombies.

And it's nonfiction, but
it's not a documentary

because it's fake.

And the zombies are real,
but they're played by actors.

You're way over
complicating this.

Kevin, I don't--

I don't think that this is a
real thing that could be made.

No offense, no offense,
you're great guy.

I think this idea is
a little over your head.

Everybody here has been
saying that, you know,

you're not that smart.

There's an email
thread about it.

Hi, I'm Dolores Santangeli,
surrogate mother for hire.

I'm polite, professional, and I
have an unusually strong birth

canal.

So hire me, I want
to have your baby.

Are you alone?

Not for long.

Come in.

Hey, where's my regular guy?

He was murdered.

Man.

I know.

Well, anyway, I'm a doctor.

Decent.

All right, let's get started.

Whoa, Dr. Patel is right.

You do have an unusually
strong birth canal.

Oh, he told you?

Yeah, believe
it or not, it was

the very last thing he said.

He was nice.

Yeah.

That's new.

So Dolores, what got you
into being a surrogate mother?

Why does anyone get
into anything, really?

Power, control, that euphoric
feeling of playing god.

Like on "Touched by an Angel?"

We are the same,
you and I.

Geez, you have
had a ton of babies.

I can tell by counting
the rings on your uterus.

You know, it's really
a beautiful thing.

Each ring represents a
beautiful life that's

been brought into the world.

I have a collection of rings
myself, immense wedding rings.

Each one represents another--

Wait a minute.

Can I pay you in
Skee-Ball tickets, too?

OK.

Great.

And tip.

Thank you.

You know, it's funny.

I ended today by creating
a life and began it

by becoming a doctor.

Nice.

I see you in nine months.

OK.

When you've
been touched by an angel

an angel touches you.

I'm sorry, what?

What was that?

Oh, I was just
singing

when you've been touched by
an angel an angel touches you.

Decent.

When you've
been touched by an angel

and an touches you.

I felt I had a little bit of
leeway to do that because this

was our second day,
but I was a little

hesitant to set the second one.

So she asked me out.

She goes, hey, I would like
to take you out this time.

And I'm like, goddamn, right.

Kendrick said this
ain't for free.

She goes, I want it,
but I want to treat

you to something different that
I know you haven't had before.

I want to take you to
an African restaurant.

And I was like, I don't know
if I can eat that much rice.

I got 50-pound bag of rice to
myself, that's intimidating.

That's so up.

But it was great.

The food was awesome.

There was a lot of rice, though.

It was awesome.

I think she got her
revenge because there

was like a little pepper
that big on my plate.

And she didn't eat hers, but I
ate mine because I like spice.

And I like just
popped it in my mouth.

And she just sat back.

I was like, you like that?

I'm like, yeah-- um.

It's getting hotter
and hotter now.

So she made me drink
like this nut milk.

I know that this sounds
nasty as ...

I get to drink this nut milk.

It must have angered the spice
because it didn't calm it down.

It was like the spice was
just like, you

thought some nut milk
was gonna stop me?

I'll burn this whole
mouth now, right there.

So I deal with it.

That's her revenge.

Hello, idiots.

Welcome to the idiot's
guide to smart people.

Today's topic is college.

Welcome to college, idiot.

How the hell did you get here?

Whether you're an athlete,
your parents are rich,

or someone made a mistake,
you're going to need some help.

So for the first time in your
idiot life, pay attention.

First up, College, Incorporated.

Smart people think of
colleges as noble academies

devoted to knowledge
and personal growth.

But really, they're
businesses devoted to wealth

and relentless expansion.

Like any business, colleges
have a product to sell.

And that product is an
intellectual cruise ship

for smart kids, including
meals, activities,

and even celebrity guests.

As with any product, there
are luxury models and discount

brands, but they're all
basically the same thing--

a four-year vacation
to an exotic paradise

called the undergraduate
experience.

No longer forced to be
around idiots all day,

smart people in college
are free to become who they

always knew they really were--

the smartest person
in the world.

After attending
just a few classes,

these young geniuses become
instant experts on topics

they barely understand.

This pattern of
carefree narcissism

along with relentless
grade inflation

continues for years until smart
college students are given

exactly what they deserve,
a piece of paper that says

they're smart, which certifies
them to be completely

unprepared for the real world.

Thus, many of them
choose to stay

in college, which brings us
to the grad school experience.

Graduate students, so named
because they already graduated,

have moved on from the
baser pleasures of college,

like beer and sex,
to the finer ones,

like craft beer and bitter sex.

Burdening their future
selves with massive debt,

grad students are
comforted by the thought

that if they just
work hard enough,

they might get to stay
in college forever.

Hooray!

So idiot, if all
this makes you want

to abandon college
forever, here's

one more thing you should know.

After all their hard
work, most smart people

end up in the same place--

a job that doesn't
make them happy--

which is exactly where
you'll end up someday, idiot.

So stick around, and
enjoy the best years

of your stupid, idiot life.

And however you feel
today, it will get

worse as long as you're alive.

Hi, I'm Patty.

I'm the head of HR
at Above Average.

Today, I've got Gwen
Busen, one of our writers.

I'm gonna give her a little
HR quiz on our policies.

- Are you ready?
- Yes.

OK.

First question, what is the
waiting period for benefits?

Too long.

Little bit, but how long?

Five years.

It's 30 days.

30 days?

Mm-hmm.

And what are benefits?

All the benefits that we
get here-- all the insurance.

- So like free snacks?
- Yup.

OK.
I know a bit--

Next question.

It sounds like you got it here.

Performance reviews cover--

Your whole body.

Covers
your performance--

Sure.

Your body is a performance.

Yeah, yeah.

Do we hire based on good looks?

Yes.

That was a trick question.

There are a lot of good-looking
people at Above Average,

but we don't.

I don't understand.

Is drug use OK?

- Yes.
- It's not.

I'm just kidding.

I know it's not OK.

But you can do it anyway.

- OK.
- If you want.

So--

No secret about it.

I'm going to move on.

All right.

Is this sexual harassment.

Yes!

Yes.

It's like hostile
work environment.

All right.

So for this next
part, I kind of just

want you to explain to me what's
going on in these scenes, OK?

OK.

Now, Gwen, can
you tell me what's

going on in this picture?

So that's a photo of me
when I was like really drunk.

And this is Joanna
who we work with.

And this is Mike who
we also work with.

And I'm obviously
stoned out of my mind.

I was
really surprised

to find this photograph.

What's going on here?

So as you can
tell by my bangs,

I had a live
journal at the time.

So my friend Alex and
I took some pictures

as if we had been arrested
because we're so badass in jail

is so funny.

I like these pictures
because there's no reading.

That's me smoking
a big old blunt,

and I got a sick headband on.

End of story.

What's going on here?

I'm bleaching my mustache
because I'm Italian,

so I got dark face hair.

And my hair looked really
good in that moment.

And I was like--

It does look really good.

And I just like had time to
bleach my mustache because I

wasn't doing anything that day.

Please stop
doing this at work.

No problem.

Well, Gwen, you got
all the questions right--

Yay!

of the photo portion.

Thank you so much.

I'm really looking
forward to working

on all the rest with you.

Thanks, Patty.

Thanks Gwen.

Now, when the check comes,
ladies, if you invited the guy,

that's kind of your duty.

You pay that.
That is.

You're laughing
because you're like,

heh-heh-heh, no, it's not.

Why would you go
let me take you out,

and then I'll pay for myself?

You could have just texted me
the name of the restaurant,

and I went and ate by myself.

Now I got to pay for two people?

I could have did
this shit myself.

Now, I don't mind paying.

I don't care.

I don't really mind it.

But what I do want is you
to at least make a gesture.

Act like you're
gonna pay.

She didn't do that.

All right.

So because you look
like you don't know

what the fuck gesture to make.

Look in your purse.

It don't matter what.

You can just be like flicking
the penny back and forth.

We don't know.

We can only see this part.

So just make eye contact.

You're just buying time until
the guy goes, you know what?

I got this.

She didn't do that.

She just slacked
down in her chair,

and then put her phone like
straight to her face.

So I paid.

But then, I guess my high
confidence goes, you know what?

that.

Make her pay that tip.

So I-- so I do.

I pay, and then I go, you've
got to pay the tip, yo.

Just like that.

Well, a little bit
more based on my voice.

But you got to pay that shit.

She goes, what do you mean
I have to pay the tip?

You have to add additional
money to the money

I lay down to show gratitude
for the person who served you.

Well, I've never had to pay
the tip on a day before it.

That was her actual voice.

I am not making this shit up.

I'm in the weird chicks, OK?

She pulled out her last $7.

I knew it was her last, but
I conditioned that money.

And it was a $5
bill and a $2 bill.

That's birthday card money.

That's money your
grandmother puts in the car.

You need to save your $2 bills.

They'll be worth more someday.

So I'll take a
little shitty money,

and I got to add
more to it because $7

is not enough for anything.

I take that.

I pay it.

And I like do it slowly
and look her in the eyes.

Like yeah, I just did that.

So now we're on the train.

I'm in my own little world,
my own little high world.

She's sitting right next to me.

And I don't like looking to
see what people are doing

in their phone, but
she was on her phone

for a very long fucking time.

Or it seemed like a long time
because when you're fucked up,

you don't know how
long shit actually is.

But I looked over to
see what she was doing.

And she was looking
at dick pics.

Not my dick pic.

It wasn't like she was
looking as, I can't

wait to get with this tonight.

I don't send dick pics.

I feel like that's
a bit immature.

You got to believe in yourself.

My dick is like an
independent movie.

Ain't no trailers for that shit.

Come to the Angelica,
and see it for yourself!

So I say something to her.

I go, are you looking
at dick pics right now?

She's like, yeah, but every girl
looks at them on their phone.

I'm like, not like it's pictures
of your niece and nephew.

You're scrolling through like
it's a photo album, like this

is when we're at Six Flags.

Do I leave the date?

No.

I can tell you the
dates or destination,

which is the movies.

We finally get to the movies.

Now, I don't know how y'all
live, but my movie theaters--

their seats do shit.

So she-- so she
lifts up the armrest.

And I think it's
like, yeah, OK, she

might get a little close to me.

She feel guilty for
looking at dicks.

She positions her body
and leans back and then

puts her feet up on me.

And I'm like, fuck that.

I knock her feet down.

But I like to summon up my
like of might and men strength.

Like I was just too much.

And her fucking body swung
over to the other side.

That was excessive.

I didn't need to do that.

So I was like, you know what?

Let me get out of the situation.

I go to get popcorn.

Now, there's an etiquette to how
you receive someone's popcorn

who are sharing with you.

You take these two fingers
and this digit right here.

And you grab three
to four pieces.

And then you eat, and
then you go back for more

if you feel the need to.

This monster of a woman
takes her five fingers.

And she digs deep
down like she's

looking for like that NSYNC CD.

They're really like
Dave and Busters.

And there's a claw machine.

This is like, I worked
hard for this CD.

And then she brings it up.

And then she takes
a fistful of popcorn

and stuffs in her face.

12 pieces roll off, and
they fall on the ground.

I'm angry because
you just wasted food.

There are hungry
kids in Brooklyn.

I know people say Africa, but
I've never been there before.

You got to worry about
the ones at my backyard.

So I'm like that.

This date is over.

I don't say that out loud,
I said it in my head.

But I don't believe I'm
going to leave because I'm

just not that much of a man.

So I have to do the
process in my head,

so I can get the
fuck out of there.

I do the paperwork.

So as we're sitting there,
I take my phone out.

I dim the light because I don't
want her to see what I'm doing.

And she should have dimmed
the light if you're going

to look at dicks on your phone.

It's a very private moment.

You don't want to have your
backlight up to 100

while you're looking at dicks.

And they weren't even big dicks!

Who looks at
regular-sized dicks?

They're like looking at
a regular-size apartment.

No, you want a dream.

I delete her number.

And then I delete her
on Facebook, block

her on Twitter, Instagram.

I started LinkedIn
account, find her,

and delete her on that shit.

And I'm like, you know what?

It's time for me to get
out of here.

So I say to her like,
I'll be right back.

I got to go to the bathroom.

And I get up, and I leave.

And I walk to the Comedy
Club, and I do a set.

And it was amazing.

I murder.

And y'all are like .

My dad left me, I
turned out perfect.

All right, he had obligations.

I don't know this lady.

A lot of my friends were like,
oh that's up, man.

What if she approaches you.

What if she finds you and
says something to you.

And she going to say, you
left me at the movie theater.

I thought you said you
were going to the bathroom.

I did.

I just didn't specify
which one I was going to.

All right, I got to go.
See you later.

Thank y'all.

Peace.

She's Katie,
a lady, a lady named Katie.

That's incredible.

I'm so glad that
Jesse set us up.

- I know.
- This has been so much fun.

Yeah, I agree.

We should do it
again sometime.

- OK, yeah.
- Here's your check, guys.

Let me know if you're ready.

This place is like unexpected.

It's like a little
hidden treasure.

Yeah, great choice.

Oh, thank you.

This has just been
so much fun, right?

Yeah, yeah.

OK.

This place is great.

Yes.

It's such a good spot.

Do you want to split it?

Oh, I'll pay
later with my penis.