Original subtitles

Hey, I'm Danny Krissler.

This is my acting reel.

If you like what you see, you can beep my agent, Angela

Fart Alone at 212-555-555.

Oh, that's it.

Peace.

Peace and love.

Here's the story of a guy named Danny.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Let's welcome him to the stage.

Monroe Martin, everybody!

I'm back in the dating.

And well, back in the dating and I probably stop pretty soon.

It's pointless.

It's just fucking-- ah.

I don't want to get to know new people.

I just want to the ones I know.

I am also new into like weed culture.

I just started.

I don't smoke, but I just started eating edibles

because they're delicious.

And I ate an edible before I went on the date

three weeks ago.

And it was the greatest shit ever.

It wasn't on purpose.

I'm not like that bored where I'm like her.

Let me take this edible.

Every roommate whose-- she had a piece of cake in her purse.

And I went in there because it was open.

And I could see the cake sticking out.

And I'm a great roommate.

And I was like, you know what?

I'mma eat this cake because I know she's trying

to watch her weight.

So I ate the piece of cake, and she texted me.

She was like, did you eat that?

I'm like, yeah.

She was like, that's an edible, you dumb dumb.

And it's going to be an awesome day.

One, I show up 45 minutes late like a G. I didn't

even do that, ho, I'm so sorry.

I apologize for my lateness.

I just walked in like, come on, let's eat.

Let's do this. I know you're hungry.

You've been waiting.

I had great idea for a movie the other day.

Oh, yeah?

- You want to hear it? - Mm-hmm.

OK.

So you've seen a zombie movie, right?

Mm-hmm.

They're pretty great, yeah?

Sure.

So my idea is what if zombies actually existed in real life?

What do you mean?

OK, I mean, there's a lot of zombie movies.

And yo, they're scary and everything, you know?

But everyone knows zombies aren't real.

Yeah.

But in this movie, they actually would be real.

So your idea for a movie is, what if zombies were real?

Yes, exactly.

That's it.

But isn't that what a zombie movie already is?

Yeah, but that's just a movie.

Yeah.

But in the movie, zombies are supposed to be real.

Right.

But in this movie, it'll actually be real.

But anything that's in any movie is supposed to be real.

Ah, no, not really.

Yeah.

So "Star Wars" is supposed to be real?

In the movies, yes.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

But that's how fiction works.

It's fine.

And then this is nonfiction.

Like a documentary.

We're not making real zombies.

OK, so let me get this straight.

It's not a zombie movie, but it's a movie about zombies.

And it's nonfiction, but it's not a documentary

because it's fake.

And the zombies are real, but they're played by actors.

You're way over complicating this.

Kevin, I don't--

I don't think that this is a real thing that could be made.

No offense, no offense, you're great guy.

I think this idea is a little over your head.

Everybody here has been saying that, you know,

you're not that smart.

There's an email thread about it.

Hi, I'm Dolores Santangeli, surrogate mother for hire.

I'm polite, professional, and I have an unusually strong birth

canal.

So hire me, I want to have your baby.

Are you alone?

Not for long.

Come in.

Hey, where's my regular guy?

He was murdered.

Man.

I know.

Well, anyway, I'm a doctor.

Decent.

All right, let's get started.

Whoa, Dr. Patel is right.

You do have an unusually strong birth canal.

Oh, he told you?

Yeah, believe it or not, it was

the very last thing he said.

He was nice.

Yeah.

That's new.

So Dolores, what got you into being a surrogate mother?

Why does anyone get into anything, really?

Power, control, that euphoric feeling of playing god.

Like on "Touched by an Angel?"

We are the same, you and I.

Geez, you have had a ton of babies.

I can tell by counting the rings on your uterus.

You know, it's really a beautiful thing.

Each ring represents a beautiful life that's

been brought into the world.

I have a collection of rings myself, immense wedding rings.

Each one represents another--

Wait a minute.

Can I pay you in Skee-Ball tickets, too?

OK.

Great.

And tip.

Thank you.

You know, it's funny.

I ended today by creating a life and began it

by becoming a doctor.

Nice.

I see you in nine months.

OK.

When you've been touched by an angel

an angel touches you.

I'm sorry, what?

What was that?

Oh, I was just singing

when you've been touched by an angel an angel touches you.

Decent.

When you've been touched by an angel

and an touches you.

I felt I had a little bit of leeway to do that because this

was our second day, but I was a little

hesitant to set the second one.

So she asked me out.

She goes, hey, I would like to take you out this time.

And I'm like, goddamn, right.

Kendrick said this ain't for free.

She goes, I want it, but I want to treat

you to something different that I know you haven't had before.

I want to take you to an African restaurant.

And I was like, I don't know if I can eat that much rice.

I got 50-pound bag of rice to myself, that's intimidating.

That's so up.

But it was great.

The food was awesome.

There was a lot of rice, though.

It was awesome.

I think she got her revenge because there

was like a little pepper that big on my plate.

And she didn't eat hers, but I ate mine because I like spice.

And I like just popped it in my mouth.

And she just sat back.

I was like, you like that?

I'm like, yeah-- um.

It's getting hotter and hotter now.

So she made me drink like this nut milk.

I know that this sounds nasty as ...

I get to drink this nut milk.

It must have angered the spice because it didn't calm it down.

It was like the spice was just like, you

thought some nut milk was gonna stop me?

I'll burn this whole mouth now, right there.

So I deal with it.

That's her revenge.

Hello, idiots.

Welcome to the idiot's guide to smart people.

Today's topic is college.

Welcome to college, idiot.

How the hell did you get here?

Whether you're an athlete, your parents are rich,

or someone made a mistake, you're going to need some help.

So for the first time in your idiot life, pay attention.

First up, College, Incorporated.

Smart people think of colleges as noble academies

devoted to knowledge and personal growth.

But really, they're businesses devoted to wealth

and relentless expansion.

Like any business, colleges have a product to sell.

And that product is an intellectual cruise ship

for smart kids, including meals, activities,

and even celebrity guests.

As with any product, there are luxury models and discount

brands, but they're all basically the same thing--

a four-year vacation to an exotic paradise

called the undergraduate experience.

No longer forced to be around idiots all day,

smart people in college are free to become who they

always knew they really were--

the smartest person in the world.

After attending just a few classes,

these young geniuses become instant experts on topics

they barely understand.

This pattern of carefree narcissism

along with relentless grade inflation

continues for years until smart college students are given

exactly what they deserve, a piece of paper that says

they're smart, which certifies them to be completely

unprepared for the real world.

Thus, many of them choose to stay

in college, which brings us to the grad school experience.

Graduate students, so named because they already graduated,

have moved on from the baser pleasures of college,

like beer and sex, to the finer ones,

like craft beer and bitter sex.

Burdening their future selves with massive debt,

grad students are comforted by the thought

that if they just work hard enough,

they might get to stay in college forever.

Hooray!

So idiot, if all this makes you want

to abandon college forever, here's

one more thing you should know.

After all their hard work, most smart people

end up in the same place--

a job that doesn't make them happy--

which is exactly where you'll end up someday, idiot.

So stick around, and enjoy the best years

of your stupid, idiot life.

And however you feel today, it will get

worse as long as you're alive.

Hi, I'm Patty.

I'm the head of HR at Above Average.

Today, I've got Gwen Busen, one of our writers.

I'm gonna give her a little HR quiz on our policies.

- Are you ready? - Yes.

OK.

First question, what is the waiting period for benefits?

Too long.

Little bit, but how long?

Five years.

It's 30 days.

30 days?

Mm-hmm.

And what are benefits?

All the benefits that we get here-- all the insurance.

- So like free snacks? - Yup.

OK. I know a bit--

Next question.

It sounds like you got it here.

Performance reviews cover--

Your whole body.

Covers your performance--

Sure.

Your body is a performance.

Yeah, yeah.

Do we hire based on good looks?

Yes.

That was a trick question.

There are a lot of good-looking people at Above Average,

but we don't.

I don't understand.

Is drug use OK?

- Yes. - It's not.

I'm just kidding.

I know it's not OK.

But you can do it anyway.

- OK. - If you want.

So--

No secret about it.

I'm going to move on.

All right.

Is this sexual harassment.

Yes!

Yes.

It's like hostile work environment.

All right.

So for this next part, I kind of just

want you to explain to me what's going on in these scenes, OK?

OK.

Now, Gwen, can you tell me what's

going on in this picture?

So that's a photo of me when I was like really drunk.

And this is Joanna who we work with.

And this is Mike who we also work with.

And I'm obviously stoned out of my mind.

I was really surprised

to find this photograph.

What's going on here?

So as you can tell by my bangs,

I had a live journal at the time.

So my friend Alex and I took some pictures

as if we had been arrested because we're so badass in jail

is so funny.

I like these pictures because there's no reading.

That's me smoking a big old blunt,

and I got a sick headband on.

End of story.

What's going on here?

I'm bleaching my mustache because I'm Italian,

so I got dark face hair.

And my hair looked really good in that moment.

And I was like--

It does look really good.

And I just like had time to bleach my mustache because I

wasn't doing anything that day.

Please stop doing this at work.

No problem.

Well, Gwen, you got all the questions right--

Yay!

of the photo portion.

Thank you so much.

I'm really looking forward to working

on all the rest with you.

Thanks, Patty.

Thanks Gwen.

Now, when the check comes, ladies, if you invited the guy,

that's kind of your duty.

You pay that. That is.

You're laughing because you're like,

heh-heh-heh, no, it's not.

Why would you go let me take you out,

and then I'll pay for myself?

You could have just texted me the name of the restaurant,

and I went and ate by myself.

Now I got to pay for two people?

I could have did this shit myself.

Now, I don't mind paying.

I don't care.

I don't really mind it.

But what I do want is you to at least make a gesture.

Act like you're gonna pay.

She didn't do that.

All right.

So because you look like you don't know

what the fuck gesture to make.

Look in your purse.

It don't matter what.

You can just be like flicking the penny back and forth.

We don't know.

We can only see this part.

So just make eye contact.

You're just buying time until the guy goes, you know what?

I got this.

She didn't do that.

She just slacked down in her chair,

and then put her phone like straight to her face.

So I paid.

But then, I guess my high confidence goes, you know what?

that.

Make her pay that tip.

So I-- so I do.

I pay, and then I go, you've got to pay the tip, yo.

Just like that.

Well, a little bit more based on my voice.

But you got to pay that shit.

She goes, what do you mean I have to pay the tip?

You have to add additional money to the money

I lay down to show gratitude for the person who served you.

Well, I've never had to pay the tip on a day before it.

That was her actual voice.

I am not making this shit up.

I'm in the weird chicks, OK?

She pulled out her last $7.

I knew it was her last, but I conditioned that money.

And it was a $5 bill and a $2 bill.

That's birthday card money.

That's money your grandmother puts in the car.

You need to save your $2 bills.

They'll be worth more someday.

So I'll take a little shitty money,

and I got to add more to it because $7

is not enough for anything.

I take that.

I pay it.

And I like do it slowly and look her in the eyes.

Like yeah, I just did that.

So now we're on the train.

I'm in my own little world, my own little high world.

She's sitting right next to me.

And I don't like looking to see what people are doing

in their phone, but she was on her phone

for a very long fucking time.

Or it seemed like a long time because when you're fucked up,

you don't know how long shit actually is.

But I looked over to see what she was doing.

And she was looking at dick pics.

Not my dick pic.

It wasn't like she was looking as, I can't

wait to get with this tonight.

I don't send dick pics.

I feel like that's a bit immature.

You got to believe in yourself.

My dick is like an independent movie.

Ain't no trailers for that shit.

Come to the Angelica, and see it for yourself!

So I say something to her.

I go, are you looking at dick pics right now?

She's like, yeah, but every girl looks at them on their phone.

I'm like, not like it's pictures of your niece and nephew.

You're scrolling through like it's a photo album, like this

is when we're at Six Flags.

Do I leave the date?

No.

I can tell you the dates or destination,

which is the movies.

We finally get to the movies.

Now, I don't know how y'all live, but my movie theaters--

their seats do shit.

So she-- so she lifts up the armrest.

And I think it's like, yeah, OK, she

might get a little close to me.

She feel guilty for looking at dicks.

She positions her body and leans back and then

puts her feet up on me.

And I'm like, fuck that.

I knock her feet down.

But I like to summon up my like of might and men strength.

Like I was just too much.

And her fucking body swung over to the other side.

That was excessive.

I didn't need to do that.

So I was like, you know what?

Let me get out of the situation.

I go to get popcorn.

Now, there's an etiquette to how you receive someone's popcorn

who are sharing with you.

You take these two fingers and this digit right here.

And you grab three to four pieces.

And then you eat, and then you go back for more

if you feel the need to.

This monster of a woman takes her five fingers.

And she digs deep down like she's

looking for like that NSYNC CD.

They're really like Dave and Busters.

And there's a claw machine.

This is like, I worked hard for this CD.

And then she brings it up.

And then she takes a fistful of popcorn

and stuffs in her face.

12 pieces roll off, and they fall on the ground.

I'm angry because you just wasted food.

There are hungry kids in Brooklyn.

I know people say Africa, but I've never been there before.

You got to worry about the ones at my backyard.

So I'm like that.

This date is over.

I don't say that out loud, I said it in my head.

But I don't believe I'm going to leave because I'm

just not that much of a man.

So I have to do the process in my head,

so I can get the fuck out of there.

I do the paperwork.

So as we're sitting there, I take my phone out.

I dim the light because I don't want her to see what I'm doing.

And she should have dimmed the light if you're going

to look at dicks on your phone.

It's a very private moment.

You don't want to have your backlight up to 100

while you're looking at dicks.

And they weren't even big dicks!

Who looks at regular-sized dicks?

They're like looking at a regular-size apartment.

No, you want a dream.

I delete her number.

And then I delete her on Facebook, block

her on Twitter, Instagram.

I started LinkedIn account, find her,

and delete her on that shit.

And I'm like, you know what?

It's time for me to get out of here.

So I say to her like, I'll be right back.

I got to go to the bathroom.

And I get up, and I leave.

And I walk to the Comedy Club, and I do a set.

And it was amazing.

I murder.

And y'all are like .

My dad left me, I turned out perfect.

All right, he had obligations.

I don't know this lady.

A lot of my friends were like, oh that's up, man.

What if she approaches you.

What if she finds you and says something to you.

And she going to say, you left me at the movie theater.

I thought you said you were going to the bathroom.

I did.

I just didn't specify which one I was going to.

All right, I got to go. See you later.

Thank y'all.

Peace.

She's Katie, a lady, a lady named Katie.

That's incredible.

I'm so glad that Jesse set us up.

- I know. - This has been so much fun.

Yeah, I agree.

We should do it again sometime.

- OK, yeah. - Here's your check, guys.

Let me know if you're ready.

This place is like unexpected.

It's like a little hidden treasure.

Yeah, great choice.

Oh, thank you.

This has just been so much fun, right?

Yeah, yeah.

OK.

This place is great.

Yes.

It's such a good spot.

Do you want to split it?

Oh, I'll pay later with my penis.