All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S05E01.Boring.No.Pizzazz.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Ba-da-ba-da-da

7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in
Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with
comedian Jon Glaser.

What's up, Jon?
- Not much.

Thanks for having me.
- Thanks for coming.

Sorry, I'm not--

I'll be done with my
sandwich very soon.

Many-- I do apologize.

Your Adult Swim show
is called "Delocated."

And what would you say,
it's best described as "Real

Housewives of Atlanta" meets--

Jon, what are you doing?

Well, I mean, there's a kiss
that happens in these things,

right?

Yeah, but--

I just kind of wanted
to get it out of the way.

No, man.

I don't mind you initiating if
you are confident that you've

got the right moment.

Like, no, not-- right after
a bite is the worst moment.

Biggest boobs you've ever
seen in a TV show or movie.

I mean, as soon as you
even said biggest boobs,

before you said all
the other stuff after--

Your brain went right to--

Dolly Parton.

Got to.

Still the champ.

Still the champ.
We'll get a still of her.

I love that Dolly Parton
movie "Still the Champ".

If I gave you a
week to work on it a little,

you could wake up some of
your old soccer skills, right?

I think if I had
a week to just start

jogging and get in
shape, I bet I could

play at the world-class level.

Wait, that isn't
even what I was saying.

A week of jogging and
you'd be at this level?

Not just jogging, but that
would be part of my regimen.

I would say a week of jogging,
of course I want to get

some kicks in, some passes.

Excuse me.

It sounds like your dad
keeps getting remarried.

That's got to be hard on my bro.

He-- yeah, the
last one happened--

he's on number three.

And the last one
happened in '94.

And, yeah.

We're getting
kind of personal.

It's so hard on a
bro, dad getting married again,

I know.

It's hot as hell
in here, and not only

because we're under the
lights in a closed closet,

but it's 95 today in New York.

Really disgusting outside.

I'm sweating it up
pretty bad in this.

Maybe we even rock
something a little cooler?

Yeah, I could change.

Ah.

- That feels--
- Way better.

- way better.
- Way better.

I agree.
I'm glad we did that.

Yeah.

I'm gonna say that was the right
moment, but there can't be--

I can't be hanging
out with this guy.

I'm sorry.

What's this guy's name?

- Probably Chuck, right?
- What's up, Chuck?

Rapid-fire,
life-altering decisions.

You got no time to think.

Meet John Mark Karr or
get a brand new jet ski?

Get a brand new jet ski.

Kiss Darth Vader or
let your butt get fat?

Kiss Darth Vader.

Your dong's a candy
cane or you own France?

Dong-- cane dong.

Cane dong.

Got to go cane dong.

Got to go cane
dong on that one.

This is another
closet theater.

We're two roommates
who have been

sleeping with the same
girl, and we realize that.

And so we got a pretty
heavy talk to have.

But we got very
different schedules.

Hey, Ricky?

Ricky, you home?

But
I'm not home, right?

- Right.
- Steve?

Steve, are you here?

We need to talk, man.

You home?

Hello?

Hey, Steve?

Steve?

You here, man?

You're a son of a gun.

Thank you.

Oh, boy.

Legally, I have to do this.

What do you mean?

It's part of the
contract, I have to--

You have to?

Get it.

That was nice.

Oh, yeah.

I was fulfilling
my dream of living

by myself in New York City.

Then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job
and my short husband

to come move to New York City,
teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're--

Livin' in the city.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

Today, I'm pursuing
my career in fashion.

My sister might be a
little bit jealous.

.

I have my internship
appointment in about an hour.

Did you want to help me
with my interview skills?

Skills.
I have skills.

I'm using my skills.

Don't forget I was a
Decky award-winning

interior decorator.

Yup, you were always
really good at--

I was always smarter
than you, faster,

increasingly younger,
taller, better-looking,

better freckles.

Wow, you're giving me a lot of
confidence for this interview.

Stop whining at me.

Give me your resume,
'cause I'm gonna give you

the interview of a lifetime.

Well, we've been sitting
in my interview office

for five minutes now and
you haven't said anything.

Go, talk, impress me.

Hello, nice to meet you.

Hi.

I moved to the city
about three years ago,

and I've been studying fashion.

Meep.

Boring, no pizzazz.

Nobody wants to hire
a timid little mouse.

They want a big,
flashy mongoose.

OK.

Well, I graduated
in the top 3/4 of--

Meep.

Only morons use
fractions, and percentages

make people think of money.

Tacky.

Though 75 is a longer word,
and people who use longer words

get jobs 2/3 of the
time more often.

Oh, well, I'm interested
in designing casual, yet

sexy fashion for women.

Meep.

You just inferred that
you have casual sex,

which I know you do, Belle.

I know you do.

I know it.

I hear it.

I smell it when you're done.

But it's not appropriate
for the office.

I also wrote for the paper
at our fashion design school.

What paper?
What'd you write?

I wrote a lot of--
- I'm asleep.

I'm asleep.

I'm your interviewer, and I'm
asleep in my chair right now.

I'm leaning back.

I'm snoring.

My secretary's
peeking in the window

to see what the
hell is happening.

Do you want to go
over my resume at all?

Yes, I would.

Moo, moo, moo,
moo, moo, moo, moo.

Hello, excuse me.

Anything interesting on here?

Most important thing
about getting a good job

is confidence,
confidence, confidence,

confidence, confidence.

You got to walk in
there and show people

that you know what you're
doing and that you're

not going to take any
bullshit from anybody.

a food that isn't
stupid, Belle?

What are we gonna do if all
our dreams don't come true?

We're getting old.

I think we shouldn't
be so sad about it.

I think--

Don't touch me.

OK.

I'm your interviewer.

If you're my interviewer,
then I'll impress you.

It sounds like
you're bragging.

It sounds like you're bragging,
like coming in with a big head

of steam and bragging.

People want you to be
modest, but truthful.

And then slip it in there.

Say, oh, college?

That was fun.

I used to get
clunk, clunk, clunk,

clunk, clunk, clunk, slurp.

I didn't really
drink in college.

Belle.

What?

You're eating shit right
now in this interview.

I have some letters
of recommendation

from the other
internships I've had.

You sound like an idiot.

You failed.

You failed, Belle.

You failed.

You might as well not even go.

And you were going to wear that?

Looks like Pancho
Villa's angry ghost.

You're the one
wearing a poncho.

Shut up.

I broke the fish tank.

Is it leaking?

It's gone.

Did you take the fish out?

They were out.

They were on the floor, I
swept them under the rug.

Did they get
out by themselves?

The fish tank cracked.

So I was doing batons.

Well, you look nothing
like your profile pictures,

Stephanie.

You know, usually when
people are catfishing me--

and I've been catfished
quite a few times,

Stephanie-- those people aren't
so eager to meet me in person.

Oh, I guess I just
thought we were getting

along so well in our chats.

Well, you were lying
to me about everything.

Not everything.

Let's just see.

You said you've spent the past
five years modeling lingerie.

Probably not.

OK.

You said you've been really
worried because you haven't had

your period for the last year?

That's true.

But I don't think it was
because of a work-related

stress disorder.

Yeah.

I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

But you haven't even heard
my duck impression yet.

Do you really have
a duck impression?

Meh.

That's not a duck.

This is a duck--

Do you like that?

Oh, you do like that,
you weirdo.

I will admit,
it is pretty good.

I actually do a lot
of stuff pretty good.

I do improv.

If you just give me something
to do with my hands?

Improv.

You do not understand improv?

Oh, I can do celebrity
impressions mixed with accents.

OK, so this one is, this is Joe
Pesci yelling at a street kid

from London.

How am I funny to you?

Funny how?

Funny like a clown?

Like I amuse you?

Oh, I didn't meant to do that.

My name's just Doug.

I'm a street kid
from London, ain't I?

That's one's that
was probably my best.

What am I doing?

Is this a phone?

Is this a phone?

I mean, you--

You know, when
you first got here

and I realized I was being
catfished again, I was like,

oh, no.

This is gonna be so weird.

But like, I actually think
we could be good friends.

I want to split you
open like a tauntaun

and crawl inside you for warmth.

Yeah, you got to get
the out of here.

Hi, I'm Dolores Santangeli,

surrogate mother for hire.

I'm polite, professional, and I
have an unusually strong birth

canal.

So hire me.

I want to have your baby.

Gavin, can you get a rag?

Let's get down to business.

We are here because we
want to have a baby.

Well, uh, I think you've
come to the exact right place.

We're out of rags, so I'm just
gonna step on it with my socks.

So why now?

Well, I just finished
my hip-hopera festival,

so we thought, why not?

They say the hip-hopera
is dead, but it's not dead.

No.

It's like Lasandra sings in
that Afro hymn.

You ain't wrong.

That is my favorite part.

I know.

It was magnificent.
Hip-hopera.

So good.

Shouldn't you help the ones
that have already been born?

Like, adopt them.

Ugh.

Ugh, I don't know where
those ones have been.

When has an adopted
kid ever turned out OK?

It has not happened.

Never once.

Haven't you seen the Lasandra
in "Mo Money Mo Misérables"?

What you talking
about Jean Valjean?

The barricades.

Look, if you're going
to help someone, I just--

Excuse me, sir, who
do I look like to you?

Madonna?

Angelina Jolie?

Actually kind of,
like, a mixture of both.

Oh, my god, I
love you so much.

I was thinking, yeah.

Porcelain God.
- I was fishing it.

My socks are full.

He reminds me of Lasandra
in the "Marriage of Gigolo."

Oh, yeah.

Gigolo.

Gig-- slit your
throat then sex your wife.

You name too many of
your characters Lasandra.

So when can we
start the process?

48 hours, I'd say.

Well, what about--

Oh, this?

Oh, I'm in labor right now.

I'm about to go have this one.

Oh, do you want
us to drive you?

No, I'll take the bus.

What-- are you sure?

Yeah.

Guys, if there's two things
I'm good at in life-- one,

having babies.

Two--

Taking the bus.

Close.

Erotic photo hunt.

Oh, nice.

Oh, my water broke.

Welp, my water broke.

Oh, feet up.

Feet up.
- Gavin, socks.

Oh, boy.
Oh, gosh.

On it.
She's a gusher.

Look at that.

I will be in touch.

Throughout
human history,

there have been
legendary assholes.

Many will be remembered--

Hitler, Stalin, Chris Pratt--

we have a personal thing.

But today, we honor the
forgotten assholes of history.

Now, everybody knows the
story of the death of Abraham

Lincoln, how he was
shot at the theater

by John Wilkes Booth,
whose name will

go down in American history as
a real douche of the highest

order.

But Booth was just
one of a group

of conspirators in
the assassination

of President Lincoln.

And the epicenter
of their plot was

at the boarding house of
today's forgotten asshole,

Mary Surratt.

Mary Surratt was born in
Maryland, the daughter

of a tobacco plantation owner.

She married John Surratt, a
wealthy but profligate man

who always managed to spend more
than he made on bad business

ventures and drink, slowly
selling off the family estate

until there was
almost nothing left.

Kind of reminds you how
great it is that divorce

is a thing now, huh?

He died in the middle
of the Civil War,

leaving his family with a
mountain of debt and only two

middle-aged slaves.

Which, you know what?

Quick sidebar-- remember that
slavery was legal in the state

of Maryland until the
end of the Civil War

because the border
states in the North

weren't covered by the
Emancipation Proclamation

that freed
Confederate-owned slaves.

Now, the history of
the United States

is littered with blatant
racial hypocrisy.

But this one has got
to be in the running

for the biggest maggot in
that good old apple pie.

I mean, we're fighting
the Civil War to stop

slavery, specifically yours.

Ours is fine.

Ugh.

So after Mary's
husband died, she

moved into the
family's townhouse

in Washington, DC along with
her two young adult children.

There, she began taking
lodgers, specifically

Confederate-sympathizing
lodgers.

The house became a hotbed
of Confederate conspiring.

Most of the planning
for the assassination

was said to have taken
place in that house.

And Mary also provided Booth
with rifles and binoculars

to use after he had fled.

Once Lincoln was
shot, Mary and her son

were arrested and put to
death almost immediately.

Which, that's sad, isn't it?

I mean, if you're gonna run a
spy ring out of your parlor,

you should at
least get to, like,

go on a mad-cap chase
across several state

lines or something.

I mean, this is
America, goddammit.

OK, look, so here's the
thing with this story.

We wanted to have a woman
in this series, just

one-- that seemed reasonable.

But they ended up
being astonishingly

difficult to find.

I mean, there was Mary Augusta
Ward who was against women's

suffrage, or Coco
Chanel who was just

a little bit of a Nazi, or
Queen Isabella of England

who had Edward II murdered with
a red hot poker up the bum.

But, for every
terrible woman, there

were a hundred men whose
behavior was so outrageous

that it seemed to
make all the women

seem like Mary sodding Poppins.

To be a real historic asshole,
you have to abuse your power.

And in looking for
a woman for this,

it really became clear
just how little power

most women have had over
the course of human history.

God, I mean, even
Mary here was only one

of several conspirators in the
death of President Lincoln,

and the rest were all men.

And I'm sure that there
are a plethora of women

who've done despicable things.

But they were very hard to
find because nobody thought

to write their stories down.

Now, I don't know at this point
exactly who the baddy even is

except the patriarchy, I guess.

But that's easy, isn't it?

I mean, it feels
like one step away

from blaming the Illuminati
or lizard people.

So I guess if you're a
woman, don't take whatever

power you do have for granted.

And if you're a man, just stop.

Just stop.

I don't know.

Let's just all take
a moment to agree

not to be an asshole anymore.

You sure they won't notice?

Oh, chill out, Fanning.

I sneak into my parents'
liquor cabinet all the time.

Yeah, me too.

You just replace what
you drink with water.

What?

You never drank alcohol before?

Totally.

I drink
it all the time.

Bottoms up.

Can I pee in this
fireplace right now?

No, man.

My dad will kill me.

Hey, is your head spinning?

Because my head is spinning.

It's because your spinning.

Dudes, let's sneak
into my parents'

methamphetamines cabinet.

You sure they won't notice?

Oh, chill out, Fanning.

I sneak into my parents'
meth cabinet all the time.

Yeah, me too.

You just replace what
you smoke with rock salt.

What?

You've never gotten tweaked
off your parents supply before?

Sure, I smoke
meth all the time.

First hit's yours.

Woo!

I'm a Snake King.

I got a diamond brain.

Tight, tight, tight!

Let's sneak into my parents'
cabinet of abandoned souls.

Are you sure
they won't notice?

Ugh, can you
chill out, Fanning?

I sample from my parents'
cabinet of abandoned souls

all the time.

What's the matter?

You haven't eaten
abandoned souls before?

Yeah, I eat abandoned
souls all the time.

The boy, he lies.

Shut up, cabinet.

First incantation's yours.

Aah!

But, Wayne, aren't
your parents going

to notice the missing souls?

Ugh, nah, dude.

You just replace it
with a bit of your soul.

Or oregano.

I mean, she was
just our neighbor.

We didn't know her very well.

We can't believe she's dead.

Anything we can do to help.

Well, we appreciate
that, Mrs. Brown.

Now, your neighbor,
Nicole, was she

involved in any
sort of relationship

you might be aware of?

Not that we know of.

Look, this might be
uncomfortable for you to hear,

but you need to know.

We found semen at
the crime scene.

Oh, God, no.

No.

Was she--

No, it's not rape.

All right?

The coroner performed
extensive tests

and ruled out rape or
intercourse of any kind.

Which was weird,
because, let's just

say there was a
substantial amount

of semen in the apartment.

A substantial amount?

How can I put this?

It would be difficult to
believe that one man or 20 men

could produce this
volume of semen.

We definitely want to
find out how Nicole died.

However, we're also just, like,
perplexed by what is currently

an ocean of semen in there.

I-- I don't know what to say.

Maybe this will help.

Mr. And Mrs. Brown,
any reason to believe

that Nicole loved semen
more than a regular person?

Excuse me?
OK.

Well, that's why
we ask everybody.

Did not love semen
more than normal.

Is this a joke?

No.

OK, look, I have a photograph
of the crime scene right here.

And I should warn
you, it's grim.

That's a blank sheet of paper.

You would think
that, but it's not.

It's semen.

That's all semen right there.

That's the semen.

Maybe you should try
calling her family.

We're trying to
contact the family,

but unfortunately all
the contact information

we could find--

Let me guess,
covered in semen?

No, it was just illegible.

Bad handwriting.

It was almost as if it was
written during like a--

like a--

Semen tornado.

I have with me here a
recording of the first two

officers arriving on the scene.

Is that something that you
usually play for neighbors?

Officer Martinez on the air,

about to enter the apartment.

And-- oh, my god.

It's semen!

A lot of semen!

MARTINEZ [ON VOICE
Oh, no.

They drowned in the semen.

Mr. And Mrs. Brown, are you
sure that your neighbor didn't

have some kind of semen
collection that may have,

I don't know, exploded?

It's a
nice neighborhood.

People have a lot of
semen around here?

No.

Do you ever see
her in the hallways,

and we're like,
how are you doing?

And she was like, I have a
bunch of semen in my apartment.

Wow.

No.

Did she ever invite
you over for some semen?

Detectives,
I made a huge mistake.

This isn't semen.

It's vanilla pudding.

No, that is semen.