All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S04E15.Its.Amanda.Actually.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

The past, the present,
the future with Emily Heller--

brought to you by Bongo
Subs, fighting to a bongo.

Hello.

I'm psychic Emily Heller, and
I'm sitting here with actor

and comedian Janine Garafolo.

Janine, welcome.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you for inviting me.

Oh, of course, of course.

Sorry, I didn't
mean to-- continue.

Go ahead.
- No, no, no.

What did you--
- No.

- OK.
- Cards.

Are you prepared
to see what the cards

have in store for you?

I am.

But in the interest
of full disclosure,

I have to admit
that I don't fully

believe in-- in the tarot.

You know what?

That's fine.

What matters is that you're
here, and you're open,

and you're wrong.

Have you thought about a
question you like answered?

Will I ever be able to
overcome my debilitating

anxiety vis-a-vis auditioning?

It started around 2001--

2002.

And it seems to have gotten
worse over the years.

I liked the '90s.

'90s were nice.

I hear good things.

No, they were good.

I was there.

I liked it.

I heard they were funky fresh.

Fresh like bongo subs.

First card-- five of pentacles.

In the context of
tarot, what is a pentacle?

Oh, it's like-- it's like
a tentacle but with a P.

Tentacle like I'm tethered.

I'm sucked-- tentacles.

Like a jelly-- jelly fish--

If that's what you're
seeing in the cards--

No.
I'm not seeing.

I'm just trying to understand.

And I'm not mad.

I just sounded like
I was mad at you.

I'm not.

This is what I'm talking about.

I don't want you to not
like me, and I'm not mad.

Please don't get mad at me.
I'm real--

I'm not mad at you at all.

I'm not mad at you.

Next
card-- the empress.

The empress-- she
basically represents a--

reaping what you
sow in a good way.

She's fertility.

She's life.

I'm a barren.

Thank God.

I mean, you know, I made it
through with nary a pregnancy

scare.

And I can't tell you how many
times I've had unprotected sex.

Well, you could.

I could-- I won't.

OK.

I don't want to
set a bad example.

Next card-- nine of pentacles.

What's the bird
represented ??

Just a fun little friend.

It's just a fun
little happy friend.

Really?

Oh, no. it's just
a bird.

Next
card-- five of cups

Does this make you feel
any sort of emotions?

Or--

It actually oddly looks
like a child, giving a--

a lady who happens
to be suffering

from primordial dwarfism.

That, I am not joking at all.

But that's what that looks like.

It looks like a primordial
dwarf lady being given a flower

by a child, who actually is
probably far younger than her

but has to bend at the waist
to lean down to this tiny lady.

You know, this one's
kind of bullshit anyway.

So let's just skip this one.

Mystery card.

So this is the outcome card.

Good or bad, whatever's
going to happen,

it's going to come down to this
card regardless of what else

we've been saying.

So are you ready?

Yeah.

OK.

Two for
one at Bongo Subs.

Talk about the best
card in the deck--

two for one at Bongo Subs.

Tell them about it.

Bongo.

Thanks, Emily.

Bango Subs uses only the
freshest ingredients.

We bake our bread on site.

We don't make our sandwiches
until you order it.

That's a Bongo promise.

Bongo style.

So you go ahead.

Bite into a Bongo at Bongo Subs.

And now I am mad at you, and
I have to go to the bathroom.

You forgot your--

your card.

I forgot nothing.

Yes, Susan and
I are busy people.

But it's-- it's-- it's important
to make time for friends.

Yes, I'm so glad
we're doing this.

Well, we actually had a reason
for asking you out tonight.

We're having a baby.

Oh!

Well, Andrew, Jenny,
hold onto your seats.

Because I'm Susan and I--

We have equally exciting news.

Stop it.

So you guys?

We won at the Log
Flume at Great Adventure.

Wait.

You-- you-- what did you do?

How great is it
that we are both

having these two equally
huge amazing experiences

at the same time?

Yeah.

Yeah, so-- so, we're actually--
we're like three months on.

No.
Ah-uh.

Oh, oh, my god.

This is so crazy.

Because our Log Flume
experience was three months ago.

God, we wanted to
tell you guys sooner.

But we just weren't ready
to talk about it until now.

It's the same exact
thing as you guys.

I mean, it's a
little different.

Oh, Andrew, stop it.

Jeff and I's Log
Flume experience

was only slightly more profound.

Pregnancy is news, too.

Please don't let our
experience overshadow yours.

We won't.

Now, if we can
give you any advice--

You're going to give
us pregnancy advice?

Yes, it is--

just to submit to
the experience.

Like Jeff, do you
remember when there

was a moment we were just about
to reach the top of the Flume?

And I just looked at him, and
I said, do we put our hands up?

I do remember that.

Because I said, YOLO,
and then we did.

God, promise us you, guys,
will not forget to YOLO.

Just YOLO, and then get ready
for everything to change.

I mean, I'm telling you
when we had sex PLF--

Pre-Log Flume.

Yeah, it was fulfilling.

But ALF--

After Log Flume--

I-- I got it.

What Susan
is trying to say

is that now when we have sex--

tell me if this is TMI--

my penis swells in this new
way that's really wonderful.

Is that TMI?

No.
No, it's not.

It really was for me, yeah.

We are all friends here,
and it's great to share.

Well, speaking of
sharing, we actually

just got our sonogram photo.

No, no, no, no.

Stop it, Jenny.

Tell me you're lying.

- I'm not.
- You are lying.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- I'm not lying.
- You are a liar.

I'm not lying.
I'm not.

Jenny--

We have a photo
of the Log Flume.

But guess what?

You can't touch it.

Because we want
this photo to last.

And, unfortunately, you
have oils in your hands.

- Everybody's got--
- Terrible oil--

Terrible oil--

-erode the photo.

But you can look at it.
You guys--

Do you our faces?
Yeah, look at--

Do you see the
excitement in our faces.

They're not even
looking at it.

Oh, I'm not--

Andrew, Jenny, shh.

Now, I am going to
tell you something

that I promise will come in
handy in these next few months

as your nervousness and
your excitement grows.

There was a moment.

This was like a split second.

I looked at him and just
with my eyes, I communicated.

But what if we get wet?

You know
what happened next?

Baby, tell them.

You know what happened next?

Tell it to them, baby.

Without words--

Just with our eyes.

With our eyes, I said,
so what if we get wet?

It's all part of God's plan.

It's not God's plan.

And Jenny, when that new
baby comes out of your flume--

Very inappropriate.

Maybe you'll get wet.

Andrew, maybe you'll get wet.

You know what?

Either way, all
part of God's plan.

Oh, my god.

That was so beautiful.

Jeff, are you still
writing poetry?

Sometimes.

God, you have to.

Where is it?

Don't hide it from me.

OK, so
like do you guys maybe

have any questions for us?

Like what we're going through?

What it's maybe
like to be pregnant?

Anything at all?

You know, it's
funny you ask that.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, Jenny.

I'm-- I'm just not curious.

Is that crazy?

I just-- I really don't care.

I think it's all this talk
about the Log Flume, you know?

We now take
you live to Capitol Hill,

where a congressional hearing on
people who pay for pornography

is underway.

Mr. Diflippio, you're aware
that you can get pornography

on the internet for free?

Of course.

I'm not a jerk.

I'm aware of the internet
and how it works.

And yet, you
still pay for it.

Yeah I sure do.

The porno I'm watching
is the highest

quality porno that's out there.

It's so much worse
to hear it called porno.

Once
you see this stuff,

you'll never go back to
that regular free garbage.

But at the end of the day,
it's still just pornography.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is a filet mignon
just a piece of meat?

Is a Ferrari just a car?

Is Celine Dion just a singer?

OK, it's Dion, sir.

What's the difference between
free pornography and the kind

you pay for?

Let's see--

cinematography, actors,
story lines, sound mixing.

I'm sure.

No pop-ups.
No thumbnails on videos

that look OK.

But when you click on them,
they're just weird stuff.

You know what I'm
talking about--

excrement, cartoon monsters
just plowing it at each other.

OK, OK, yup.

But it's just so easy.

I mean, there are plenty of
short little clips for free

online any time you want.

Well, excuse me.

If I don't want to
watch 30-second clips

of some amateur girl getting
railed by her boyfriend.

I want to watch Jesse
Jane and Tara Patrick

as two rival Pirates who
find a treasure map shaped

like boobies that leads them
to a mysterious cave guarded

by skeletons.

But when they get to the
entrance of that cave,

the skeletons turn into
beautiful naked men.

And the only way to
defeat those naked men

is to have sex with them
so hard their bones break.

After they defeat
the men, the women

get to the treasure chest.

Their hands touch
above the chest.

Their chests touch
above the chest.

And right then and there, the
treasure chest disappears.

Because the treasure
wasn't gold.

It was finding the
loving embrace that only

another woman could give you.

And then they make
love in a series

of choreographed
scissored movements.

If you could get me that,
then you can have my credit

card information any day.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I pay for porno.

I'll try that.

We'll be
back in a few minutes

with this continuing
investigation

and join us tomorrow for the
Congressional Hearing on people

who dress up their dogs.

Now, remember,
Newbie, you always want

to keep the dog on the leash.

I know how to walk a dog.

Hey, how was your
interview with Dianne?

I don't want to talk about it.

You're interested
in walking dogs?

Hit me.

You're in good hands.

Steve trained me,
and he's the best.

Hi, I'm Steve.

Welcome to Brizzlers.

We're having a great
day here Brizzlers--

home of the Brizzler burger.

Specials today
include clam fries,

duck rings, nachos
locos, and, as always,

our world famous
Brizzler burger.

I'll be right back to take your
order here at Brizzlers-- home

of the Brizzler burger,
where we're having a Brizzler

burger and a great day.

Sorry about that.

This isn't dog poop.

Diane's Dog Walker.

Steve, it's Rochelle.

I own the dog you walk.

Oh, I actually don't walk--

I don't care, Steve.

Look, it's been a day-- a
Tuesday, if I'm not mistaken.

Where's that Paisley?

Are you walking him right now?

I'm having a dinner
party tonight,

and I need to have
that Paisley here

to-- seem a little relatable.

I'll have him back in a jiffy.

My phone's empty.

It ran out of juice.

I don't know why
he's pooping so much.

Are we lost?

No.

I'm getting dizzy.

Do you have any water?

No, just for the dog.

Oh.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I wish Steve was here.

John.

Steve.

John-- Replacement.

Replacement, biscuit now.

Come on.
Come on.

Damn it.

John, you lived.

That's right, Brad Paisley.

Let's get you home.

You too, Replacement.

It's Amanda, actually.

Mm-hmm.

There he is.

Oh, come here.

Oh.

I got him.

I got him.

Hello.

It's Dianne.

I heard you did great today.

Want your old job back?

Yeah, yeah, I'll take it.

Bye.

Bye.

Mmm.

Sleepy.

I'd invite you
all into the party.

But sadly, you weren't invited.

So--
Of course.

Yes, of course.

Have a good night.

Yeah.

Guys, that was Dianne.

She just offered me my job back.

Steve, that's great.

I hear you're the
best in the biz.

Oh, you're fired.

What?

Oh, he said, you were fired.

I heard it clearly from inside.

?

Yeah.

Mmm.

This is good.

It's a few weeks old

Move it.

Here we go.

Hey, hey.

All right.

Ah, hey, Cougars, come on.

Let's play some defense, huh?

You got a son down there?

Yeah, right over there.

It's actually his
first varsity game--

just got called up as a
freshman, which is pretty cool.

Freshman, ouch.

Hang in there, pal.

It seems bleak now.

But you're closer
than you think.

Closer to what?

Graduation day.

Graduation day?

Yeah, it's freedom.

Just picture it.

Your son right over there--

diploma in hand.

You, in these bleachers,
watching, shedding the shackles

of parenthood once and for all.

OK, don't you guys think
that's a little bit harsh?

Hey!

Do you want to hear about harsh?

I spent the last 17
years on the inside--

the last six in solitary.

Solitary?

Yeah, my wife left me.

Come May 22-- the
nightmare is over.

And I can re-enter society
with a clean slate.

Sounds like heaven.

How much time
do you have left?

I got 15 months left on
this, six years on my youngest.

Oh, consecutive
kids will get you.

Luckily, I did my two
mostly concurrent.

This is the end of my bid--
the priors off to college.

OK, guys, come on.

Having kids isn't
like a prison sentence

that you serve and move on from.

He's right.

Kids are for life.

I did mine for 26 years in.

But by the time I got out,
I had forgotten who I was.

In society, they only see
you as a label of X parent.

You can't even vote in Florida.

I don't think that's true.

And just when I got back
on my feet, readjusted

to life in the free world,
my youngest lost his job

and moved back in.

Now, I'm doing six years with
kids that ain't even my own.

You mean your grandkids?

That is so sad.

OK, I'm going to
find another seat.

Excuse me.

I spent the best
years of my life

and a family of my own creation.

Oh, hey, Jeffrey Tamburo.

- Security?
- This is crazy.

Excuse me.

Security?

You don't need this.
I'm saying, I'm totally safe.

I was just reading your book.

This is so weird that
you're in the office.

Oh, I did write that book.

Yeah, Rob King,
I'm your biggest fan.

Hi, Rob.
How are you?

I'm Jeffrey Tamburo.

I know it.

I could just-- and
it's good-- the TV.

Well, it's nice meeting you.

You know, hey,
while, you're here.

Can I-- can I ask
you some questions?

- I have-- I have people.
- Great.

So I'll be quick.

After writing this
memoir, how do you

feel about opening up about
your personal experiences?

Not good.

On page 94, you
talked about attaboy.

- I do.
- Yeah.

How did you know, it was 94?

And I don't know-- guessed.

And you say, this is straight
from the gut passion.

This is praise, and
it's the secret of life.

- Everyone needs it.
- Everyone.

And I'm not messing around.

Everyone needs it.

Everyone, including you.

Could you just--

Next question.

Just hoping,
you'd say the words.

That's fine.
That's cool.

OK, go.

What are you most proud of?

I-- I think I'm proud
of writing the book.

And I'm proud of--

I have a nice trifecta going.

I have the Larry Sanders Show.

Hey, now.

Yeah.

George and Oscar from
"Arrested Development--"

no touching.

And then, Maura Fefferman
from "Transparent."

Yeah.

Yes, queen?

You see?

The three shout outs.
- That was very nice.

Thank you.

What's something that Hank
Kingsley, George Bluth, and

Maura Fefferman have in common?

Their heart-- all three
have a-- a big heart.

Yeah, and they're all Jewish.

All my characters are Jewish.

There's three
degrees of Judaism.

Orthodox-- you speak
on the Hebrew, OK?

I can't.

Conservative-- I didn't
ask you if you could.

A conservative-- you
do Hebrew and English.

And reform-- all you have
to do is sing show tunes.

Are you reform?

The sun
will come out tomorrow.

Bet
your bottom dollar

that tomorrow there'll be sun.

We'll work on it.

Arrested Development season
five was just announced?

Yeah, we're going
to do Arrested

Development season five.

And we just finished
Transparent season four.

What's the plot?

The last time, I was there.

They buried me as Saddam
Hussein in the sand.

So-- and I think we'll
probably doing some wall stuff,

you know?

We're, you know, I'm
glad we're coming back.

You know, you
mentioned how important

it is to get people attaboys.

It is.

Praise-- and-- and do
you feel it's important

to give everybody attaboys?

I do.

Do you need an attaboy?

Oh, come on.

Give me one.

Oh, look at me.

Uh-huh.

Attaboy!

The sun
will come out tomorrow.

- What flavor did you get?
- Ginger.

- Yeah, that's so good.
- It's really good.

You want to try?
- No, I'm good.

Are you sure?
Come on.

Yeah, I don't like to share.

I have a thing about germs.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I know.

You can't even
catch it that way.

Catch what?

What I have.

What?

What I have.

Jesus, Lynn.

Where have you been?

Ah, nowhere-- out.

So do you think I'm an idiot?

You're soaked in sweat, and
your eyes are bloodshot.

OK, I was catching Pokemon.

That's all.
- Alone?

Jesus Christ.

That is pathetic.

It's 4:00 AM.

I've been catching
them alone though.

Because I heard
about one Pokemon--

Vaporeon, out on Fifth Avenue.

And so I want to go get it.
I got there.

I met a whole bunch
of other trainers.

And so all of us, we ended
up down by the river, just

catching all night.

It's never-- it's never
just one with you, is it?

And so what if I do catch
a few Pokemon after work?

So what?

You reek of augmented
reality and pee.

Did you-- yep,
you paid yourself.

OK, oh, right.

I'm supposed to take
a bathroom break right

when my Squirtle is evolving.

Get real.
Lynn.

You know, it was fine
when you were just catching

six or seven after work.

But now, it's-- what?

What is it?

What is that?

Oh, there's a Charmander
right next to you.

Let me just catch
him real quick.

It'll be the last one.

That's what you said at
dinner with my parents.

And then you went
out a Poke Bender

and spent $300 in the App Store.

Yeah, well, if
I don't catch him,

then it's a waste of
the lure, isn't it?

You put a lure in our home?

Oh my, god.

Is that why all those teens
and unemployed men are outside?

Oh my, god!

Hell, yeah!

Did you just
catch a Charmander

while my back was turned?

Baby, I'm not
going to lie to you.

I caught the Charmander.

But look, I'm going to
put it on an airplane

mode and problem solved.

No.

It's-- it's not enough for me.

You need to delete the app, or
you can delete our marriage.

Fine.

I'll delete the app.

But I just bought
30 new pokeballs.

So as soon as the pokeballs
are done, then I will.

Oh, my god.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, my god.

I can't deal with this.

I'm a celebrity chef, OK?

I'm going to delete the
app now for both of us.

That's right in the trash.
- OK.

OK?

OK.

I sure hope life is
fun without Pokemon Go.

I think you should just
take up drinking again.

- I've been thinking of it.
- Yeah.

Yeah.