All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S04E14.Statistically.Speaking.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Art history or fart history?

Local freshmen argue the latter.

Sanitation workers fined
for eating all the garbage.

In tonight's top
story, Penny the puppy

won $5 in scratch-off
lottery tickets.

Sources close to the puppy say--

oh!

Oh!

Ah!

Ah.

Oh.

Ooh.

It's not a fail.

I didn't screw up.

I got a concussion.

Oh.

You failed.

And who's talking
about fails anymore

as if that's still a thing?

Hey, did you guys hear
the mayor's big announcement

earlier?
- No, what'd he say?

Uh,

You guys are .

In tonight's top
story, Penny the puppy

won $5 in scratch-off
lottery tickets.

Sources close to the puppy say

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, ooh, oh.

Tonight's top story.

Night, night, night's top story.

Scratch-off lottery ticket.

Oh, ooh, ah.

Penny the puppy won.

Oh, ooh, ah.

Five, five, five, five $5.
Oh.

Shorty.

Tonight's top-- oh.

Scratch-off lottery ticket.

See, you got to read
the comment section

to know what the real buzz is.

Please don't talk
to me like I don't

know what the internet is.

Like, like this.

RAZOrRaumUNd, he was
the first to comment,

which is pretty cool.

That was never cool,
and it never will be.

Ah, you should feel lucky.

Everybody knows you now.

You're famous.

You made it.

I got paid $0.

I look like an idiot, and
everybody thinks I suck.

That's the dream
of the internet.

Is there too much
cursing on television?

One producer says no.

Up next, does America really
need all these doctors?

Cell phones are in vogue.

Become part of
this hip new trend.

In tonight's top story--

Penny the puppy won $5.

in scratch-off lottery tickets.

Sources close to the puppy say--

Whoa!

$5.00.

Whoa!

In scratch-off
lottery tickets.

Tonight's top story.

Sources close to the
puppy say-- oh, oh.

Penny the puppy won.

Oh.

The verdict is in.

America loves fail remixes,
but with over a billion YouTube

views, it's clear Channel
4's Lonnie Johnson never

fails to look like an asshole.

With Waco Valley News 10,
I'm Cassandra Martinez.

Lonnie, just got
a big piece in.

Going to break it on the
prime time slot tonight,

and I want you on it.

Yeah, what is it?

New viral video.

Apparently, some
jackass news anchor

had the most epic career-ruining
fail on live television.

I haven't seen it, but
it's sweeping the nation.

It's sweeping the nation.

Fail.

Are you getting this?

Paula.

Ah.

Ah.

Welcome to chit chat.

I'm Tish.

And I'm--

What?

Guess who we have here today?

You want to tell them, Lizzie?

Today, we have Craig.

Our nephew Craig, the editor--

the editor of the show.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

- there.
- Is that--

You sit on the thing.

What?

Is that the, like,
shoplifting tag.

Oh.

She left her tag on again.

- How's your father?
- He's good.

Good, I'm glad.

He's happy as usual?
- Yes.

Good.
Good for him.

- He says--
- Nice.

Uh-huh.
Good.

Tell him, whatever he
said, we say back to him.

He's seen the
videos of you guys.

Well, good.

Is he finally going to
be happy with something

his sisters have done?

Um.

I'll rephrase that.

I don't know.

I'll rephrase that.

Is he finally going to
be happy with something

his sisters have done?

OK, we're-- oh.

Are you OK?

She's been losing teeth.

I just want to
make sure she's OK.

Are you OK?

Ew.

Things are so different now.

We've had-- we're very famous.

We have hundreds of views.

You guys have, like,
thousands of views now.

You guys got--

What?

People dress up like
you and do parody videos.

Oh, what?

Have you guys not seen this?

These two dudes dress up.

Two men?

Yeah, two men dress
up like you guys.

They put on wigs
and weird clothes,

and then they pretend
to be you guys.

Well, that sounds terrible.

I'm a drunk aunt,
and welcome to Drunk Aunts.

I love wine and drinking
wine and drinking wine,

and my name's Tish.

Hey, Lizzie, where's
your husband?

I turn men gay
because I'm ugly.

And I'm messed
up on everything.

I'm drunk.

I am blind to all of my flaws.

I think I'm perfect, and
I'm a Republican asshole.

This is what it looks like
when you don't have a soul.

I love South Pasadena.

I'm Tish.

This I just cut off a horse's
tail and threw it on my head.

We both look like we lost a bet.

That's Gary.

That's not Gary.

OK.

Is that Gary?

All right, kids, today we're
going to learn the backstroke.

Pass.

Oh, yeah, let's do this.

- That's the spirit, Bruce.
- Woo!

Why is he turning red?

He doesn't look good, Bob.

My chest hurts.

He looks like a pregnant goat.

Calm down, buddy.

Everything's spinning.

Close your eyes
and count to 10.

That's what my father
does every time I speak.

Should I be seeing
a bright light?

- Yes.
- No.

- Go into the light.
- It's so warm.

Damian says he sees you.

- Open your eyes, Bruce.
- Wow.

I did not like that.

All right, now,
the backstroke.

My grandma died
of a back stroke.

- Uh, no she didn't.
- She's alive?

- No.
- Thank God.

Is this going to kill us?

- Different kind of stroke.
- Good.

I can't die.

I'm so behind with work.

- You're seven.
- You're 42.

So?

I thought we were
saying each other's ages.

- Oh, my God.
- I don't want to die.

Everyone dies.

Wow, life's a roller coaster.

Roller coasters kill
four people per year.

Why are we still
talking about this?

When I die, I'm going
to start a band in heaven

with Elvis and Jesus
called Elvis Baby Jesus,

and we're going to
absolutely shred.

When I die, I'm going
to turn into a ghost

and haunt every single person
who doesn't cry at my funeral.

When I die, my mom says my
soul will pass on to a one-eyed

vulture named Joshua.

Smallest world.

My cousin's name is Joshua,
and he gives the best hugs.

Stop talking about death, OK?

Your kids.

You have your whole
lives ahead of you.

Yes, we all die at some
point, but that just

means that you should
make the most of your life

while you're here.

Live, love, and learn.

That's all you can do
in this short existence,

and today, we're going to
learn the backstroke if it's

the last thing we do.

Language.

Mouth like a tawdry hooker.

Shut up.

The backstroke
starts on your back.

Bruce is turning red again.

- My left side is numb.
- Son of a--

You should hold your breath.

Drink a glass of
water upside down.

We should scare him.

He doesn't have hiccups.

What the hell was that?

- My choir voice.
- Bruce, are you OK?

I mean, I peed.

Me too.

So did I. It's OK.

Everything's OK, kids.

We're all going to calm
down, take a breath,

wash off in the pool, and
quietly learn the backstroke.

Pass.

I will end you.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, you get more--

Scoot, scoot, scoot.

Lose your table, or--

Oh, gosh, you guys,
what a beautiful ceremony.

Yes.

Hey, to the bride and groom.

Cheers.

Yee.

Cheers.

So Lois, you're
Jen's sister, right?

Yeah, big sister.

I can't believe she's married.

Such a gorgeous venue.

Isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Does your family
have a lot of money?

Jeff.

Of course they have
a lot of money.

They must be very rich people.

Lois, this has been wonderful.

You have to thank your
family for having us here?

Oh, I will.

It's such a beautiful event.

It's such a wonderful day.

It's all about family,
really, the best of times,

but it gets me thinking about
the worst times too, you know?

Yes, me too.

I am just--

I'm so interested just in
people, like what the worst

times that people have had.

Oh, wait.

Oh.

Let's play a little game here.

Ooh.
Yeah.

This is great.

We can all go around
the circle, and then

everybody say what's a horrible
family memory that you have.

Oh, yeah, it
could be anything.

Could be when was the last
time you saw your mother cry.

Yeah, but say it like was
it from something you did.

Or from abuse.

Yes, anything, any abuse,
physical, mental, sexual even.

Go.

What would you say?

My mom cried at the ceremony.

No.

No, those are happy tears.

We're talking about something
that makes you legitimately

upset, like, statistically
speaking, over half

of this table comes
from a broken home.

Whose parents
here are divorced?

Oh, Bryan.

So clearly a lot of crying
and tears in your family.

Yes.

Oh, God, and now we have a
great conversation started.

Now we're talking.

We broke the ice.

Like, Bryan, after
your dad left your mom,

did he support her financially?

Or, hey, let's go
around the table

and say our class
levels growing up.

Lower middle.
- Upper middle.

Oh, hey, Lois, I heard you
make a reference to horseback

riding in your speech.

So you must be upper
upper, I'm guessing.

Upper upper.
We skipped Chris.

That'd be great for you.

Thank you.

Both of us, we are just so
interested in other people.

It's our curse.

We make friends wherever we go.

Oh, here's something.

What is something everyone
would change about your bodies

if you could.

Ooh, I'd like a new haircut.

How about that?

Bryan?

I would lose a
couple of pounds.

Isn't it funny neither
of us said penis?

That's good for us though.

Chris, your penis?

Oh, God, it would be
so interesting to know, Chris,

would you change your penis?

Can we change the subject?
Oh, yeah.

We have a million
things to talk about.

Here's a million one.

Rachel, my question for you.

I saw you did your
toast with water.

Are you an alcoholic?

Yes, are you
addicted to alcohol?

I used to drink,
and now I don't.

Oh, Rachel.

What was your
rock bottom moment?

Chris and I are
just dying to know.

No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.

I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

Yes, you are, man.

Yes, you are, and
it's so fun to share.

Get on the share train.

Eric Clapton's Tears
in Heaven was written

about the death of his son.

Have any of you
ever lost a child

either through miscarriage
or after the child was born?

They say that
the loss of a child

is actually hardest
on the parents.

Oh, God, Jeff,
you know so many facts.

God, can we all have a
toast to my boyfriend Jeff?

Rachel, you just toast with
water because of your addiction

to alcohol.

To Jeff.

To Jeff.

To Jeff.

Welcome to Cocktails.

I'm little Esther,
and my guest today

is the beautiful Alison Rich.

Aw, I am beautiful.

What pop song best describes
your first sexual experience?

What's that one
that's like,

it was fast and painful.

That's mine too.

Oh, my God, yes.
Painful and fast.

Painful and fast.

And it's just seven seconds
long, like the experience.

Zing.

Do you date guys who
aren't as funny as you?

Well, I think I have
a history of not dating

guys that are that funny.

Maybe you could, like,
host a standup night

and then pick your boyfriend
who's the funniest.

Yes, and turn it into
like "The Bachelorette"

without them knowing.

I'll be like, there's a lot of
agents in biz in the audience.

Actually, no, it's me
and my extended family.

Just you and your family.

Yes.

OK, I'm going to
try to guess the name

of your first sexual partner
in 10 seconds or less.

Are you ready?

OK.

I'm so scared you're
going to get it right.

- Jeff.
- No.

- Bill.
- No.

- Will.
- No.

- Dave.
- No.

- Henry.
- No.

- Harry.
- No.

- Sally.
- No.

Jeff.

You said him already.

What were some of
your most embarrassing

adolescent
misconceptions about sex?

I didn't know about thrusting.

I thought it was just, like,
he puts his penis in you,

and you just make meaningful
eye contact, and, like,

deal with it for five minutes.

It's just like this but
a penis is in a vagina.

I have the penis
in this situation.

And you just have to,
like, face yourself

in the eyes of another person.

My misconception was
that I could get pregnant

from a girl touching my boob.

Oh.

Yeah.

I definitely had the fear
of, like, pregnancy from a BJ.

Oh.

That the sperm
would find a way.

What was the most
memorable penis or vagina

you've ever seen and why?

It was my own vagina.

Every girl knows they got
to get a small hand mirror

and inspect themselves, get to
know them, and when I saw mine,

I wept.

I saw myself.

You saw yourself
in your own vagina?

Yeah.

That's romantic.

It is.

What advice would you
give your teenage self?

Get bangs as soon as
possible, because they

frame your face so well.

When did you get them?

I got them, like, 23.

I went from a 6 to a solid 7.

Can hair and makeup
give me some bangs?

Yeah, and can somebody tell
me, just kidding, you're a 10,

Alison.

This is a map of the world,
my world, my female anatomy,

and yours too.

We're going to
guess what's what.

Are you ready?
- Yes.

OK.

What is that?

I think it's the
Fallopian tube, right?

Yeah.
- Fallopian tube.

Boom!

I play to win.

This is a competition.

Let's see.

What's this?
The egg cell?

Is this like--

no, I think-- is this
like the pubic bone?

It looks like your fupa bubble.

Oh!

Pubic bone.

Oh, my God.

I am a doctor.

I am a true doctor.

This means I'm extra
ready to have sex

because I know all the parts.

You're so in touch.

Yeah.

What do you think Michelle
Obama's orgasm sounds like?

Real sloppy.

You know, like, uh.

I think it's time for a little
advice from my Grammy Rose.

Hello, Grammy Rose.

Hello, hello.

How are you?

Hello, darling.

Don't be afraid to
sit on the machine

when you do your laundry.

It's always nice to feel a
little rumble in your knickers.

Grammy, is that why
you do all my laundry?

Maybe.

Thank you so much
for coming to the show.

As a parting gift, I have this
black licorice flavored condom

balloon for you.

Oh.

Will you keep it forever?

I will.

You can reuse these
condoms, right?

Yeah.

Ba-da, da-da,
da, 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in
Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with
Insane Clown Posse.

What's up, guys?
Welcome.

What's up, man?

It's great to be here.

It's an honor to be here, Mike.

Thanks for coming.

Um, I know you guys
get this a lot,

but I would just
love to read a lyric

and get your quick reaction.

This is ICP lyrics.

I'm a have to take your
forehead and pound it.

You remember this one?

I'll bend you over and
tie you up to a pole

and stretch your nuts back
and fling them up your butt.

Fling up your ass.
Yeah.

First of all, and that comes
with a cartoon style lyric.

You hear it go .

You know what I'm saying?

Right up the anus.

So you can picture it.

That's genius.

I tied your grandma
up in a basement.

I covered her eyes with your
cousin's severed butt cheek.

Ooh, now I'm about to put a fire
poker in your dad's pee hole.

- No, that's not us.
- I wrote that one.

Yeah, I wrote that.

Oh.

Which of these--
which of these

adjectives applies to you.

If you can each
just say yes or no.

Do you think of
yourselves as political?

No.

No.

- Angry?
- Yes.

Yes.

Christian?

Don't know.

Yeah, I'm not--

I'd say yeah.

Yeah.

Insane?

- Yeah.
- I mean.

Fair.

Calorie counters.

.

Yes.

No.

I count them going
down my throat.

Overprotective fathers.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Big fans of a strong,
soft toilet paper.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- 100.
- Me too.

Man, I can't
stress that enough.

Violent J, I want you to
be an angry, like, PTA mom

who's complaining about ICP
lyrics, and we'll be ICP.

So what was it that upset you?

I have a sixth grader, OK,
who goes to school to learn,

who goes to school to have
memorable years making friends

and being introduced to
the ways of the world,

and she comes home with filth.

She is a sixth
grader, Mean Mike.

Is that what you rap As

Yeah, I'm Mean Mike.

Well, you certainly are
mean to my little girl who's

trying to get an education,
trying to have a great youth,

and you're spoiling
it with rotten filth.

I wanted to see us do the most
low energy car commercial ever.

You know how car
commercials are always

like yelling at the
camera, but we're

the most laid back, barely able
to stay awake car commercial.

So come on down to Mike,
Rick, and Jimmy's Toyotathon.

If you come get
a car right now,

I mean, they come
with a driver's seat,

a passenger seat.

Steering wheel.

And a back seat.

Yeah.

And don't bring your old
car in either, because we

just don't have no use for it.

Yeah.

Turkey Time Toyota.

Thank you guys so much
for doing the interview.

Here's the thing, they
all end in a certain way.

I wondered--

Oh, shirtless?

No, but with a kiss.

Oh.

Yeah, no.

So if it's OK.

- Is it like on the lips?
- No.

No.

I'm slightly uncomfortable.

Are you uncomfortable
with that?

- Can we hug?
- How about you chew his gum?

Yeah.

That's kind of like kissing.

Put her there.

I will say your lips were
warm and wet, and it was nice.

It wasn't as horrible
as I thought it'd be.

That's what I'm
talking about, Shaggy.

I can't do it, man.

Oh, yeah.

Facebook can be fun, but
sometimes when you load it up,

you see opinions from
friends and family

that are a little uncomfortable.

That's why we've created
Jynx, a new Facebook

alternative that only
connects you with people

who share all your opinions.

With Jynx, you only
see posts from friends

who agree with your
views on social issues,

politics, and entertainment.

With Jynx, you won't see any
more updates from your slightly

racist Uncle unless you're
slightly racist, in which

case, that's all you'll see.

Jynx also makes it easy
to agree with your friends

with helpful preset buttons
for popular comments.

Oh, my God, yes.

And when you and a friend
post the exact same status,

you'll both get Jynxed.

The more you get
Jynxed, the higher

your Jynx score, which lets
everyone know how popular

your opinions are, regardless of
whether they're right or wrong.

No more defending,
hiding, for unfollowing.

Jynx just let you
go about your day

without ever seeing something
you don't agree with.

Jynx, because you
and your friends

are right about everything.

We the illest.
What.

We the illest.

What.

Everybody grab your drink.

Don't spill it.
We the illest.

What.

We the illest.

Everybody grab your drink.

Don't spill it.

I got a drink in my hand.

Tried to get another one.

I think that's my .

Hey, Donna,
congrats on the baby.

Stefan, heard about
the new job, dude.

Penelope, I love
the wedding pics.

What's even the point
of high school reunions

in the age of social media?

Yeah, I know.

We know everything already.

Everyone's on Facebook.

Except for Aaron,
who's not on Facebook.

Oh, my God.

It's him.

Mother .

He's real.

There's Aaron, the Aaron.

I thought he died.

He's been missing
for 10 years.

Let's buy this guy a drink.

Excuse me.

He speaks.

Aaron, Aaron, it's
Amos from sophomore homeroom.

Amos.

Everyone wants to know,
what have you been up to?

Uh, you know, after
graduation, I kind of just

started working at
my dad's auto shop.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.

- You in the front, yeah.
- Mike Lane.

We were in AP bio together.

No, I don't remember.

Are you married?

Yes, got married
in 2010 actually.

Wow.

Quick follow up question.

Kids?

Yeah, I got kids, twins.

I knew none of this.

Exquisite.
Aaron.

Gray pants, yeah.

If I posted an article
about race relations

in the United States, how
would you comment or like?

I'd probably disagree
at first to get

attention, and then maybe post
a reactionary think piece.

Thanks.

Aaron, if I poked
you, would you poke back?

No, I don't poke.

Aaron, I think we'd
all like to know, why

didn't you ever join Facebook?

I did join Facebook.

I just blocked you assholes.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get some punch.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, now I remember.

Aaron's a dick.

Off the hook,
but the phone never rang.

Beast on the beats,
no claws, no fangs.

Bring your crew and
fight the whole gang.