Original subtitles

Art history or fart history?

Local freshmen argue the latter.

Sanitation workers fined for eating all the garbage.

In tonight's top story, Penny the puppy

won $5 in scratch-off lottery tickets.

Sources close to the puppy say--

oh!

Oh!

Ah!

Ah.

Oh.

Ooh.

It's not a fail.

I didn't screw up.

I got a concussion.

Oh.

You failed.

And who's talking about fails anymore

as if that's still a thing?

Hey, did you guys hear the mayor's big announcement

earlier? - No, what'd he say?

Uh,

You guys are .

In tonight's top story, Penny the puppy

won $5 in scratch-off lottery tickets.

Sources close to the puppy say

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, ooh, oh.

Tonight's top story.

Night, night, night's top story.

Scratch-off lottery ticket.

Oh, ooh, ah.

Penny the puppy won.

Oh, ooh, ah.

Five, five, five, five $5. Oh.

Shorty.

Tonight's top-- oh.

Scratch-off lottery ticket.

See, you got to read the comment section

to know what the real buzz is.

Please don't talk to me like I don't

know what the internet is.

Like, like this.

RAZOrRaumUNd, he was the first to comment,

which is pretty cool.

That was never cool, and it never will be.

Ah, you should feel lucky.

Everybody knows you now.

You're famous.

You made it.

I got paid $0.

I look like an idiot, and everybody thinks I suck.

That's the dream of the internet.

Is there too much cursing on television?

One producer says no.

Up next, does America really need all these doctors?

Cell phones are in vogue.

Become part of this hip new trend.

In tonight's top story--

Penny the puppy won $5.

in scratch-off lottery tickets.

Sources close to the puppy say--

Whoa!

$5.00.

Whoa!

In scratch-off lottery tickets.

Tonight's top story.

Sources close to the puppy say-- oh, oh.

Penny the puppy won.

Oh.

The verdict is in.

America loves fail remixes, but with over a billion YouTube

views, it's clear Channel 4's Lonnie Johnson never

fails to look like an asshole.

With Waco Valley News 10, I'm Cassandra Martinez.

Lonnie, just got a big piece in.

Going to break it on the prime time slot tonight,

and I want you on it.

Yeah, what is it?

New viral video.

Apparently, some jackass news anchor

had the most epic career-ruining fail on live television.

I haven't seen it, but it's sweeping the nation.

It's sweeping the nation.

Fail.

Are you getting this?

Paula.

Ah.

Ah.

Welcome to chit chat.

I'm Tish.

And I'm--

What?

Guess who we have here today?

You want to tell them, Lizzie?

Today, we have Craig.

Our nephew Craig, the editor--

the editor of the show.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

- there. - Is that--

You sit on the thing.

What?

Is that the, like, shoplifting tag.

Oh.

She left her tag on again.

- How's your father? - He's good.

Good, I'm glad.

He's happy as usual? - Yes.

Good. Good for him.

- He says-- - Nice.

Uh-huh. Good.

Tell him, whatever he said, we say back to him.

He's seen the videos of you guys.

Well, good.

Is he finally going to be happy with something

his sisters have done?

Um.

I'll rephrase that.

I don't know.

I'll rephrase that.

Is he finally going to be happy with something

his sisters have done?

OK, we're-- oh.

Are you OK?

She's been losing teeth.

I just want to make sure she's OK.

Are you OK?

Ew.

Things are so different now.

We've had-- we're very famous.

We have hundreds of views.

You guys have, like, thousands of views now.

You guys got--

What?

People dress up like you and do parody videos.

Oh, what?

Have you guys not seen this?

These two dudes dress up.

Two men?

Yeah, two men dress up like you guys.

They put on wigs and weird clothes,

and then they pretend to be you guys.

Well, that sounds terrible.

I'm a drunk aunt, and welcome to Drunk Aunts.

I love wine and drinking wine and drinking wine,

and my name's Tish.

Hey, Lizzie, where's your husband?

I turn men gay because I'm ugly.

And I'm messed up on everything.

I'm drunk.

I am blind to all of my flaws.

I think I'm perfect, and I'm a Republican asshole.

This is what it looks like when you don't have a soul.

I love South Pasadena.

I'm Tish.

This I just cut off a horse's tail and threw it on my head.

We both look like we lost a bet.

That's Gary.

That's not Gary.

OK.

Is that Gary?

All right, kids, today we're going to learn the backstroke.

Pass.

Oh, yeah, let's do this.

- That's the spirit, Bruce. - Woo!

Why is he turning red?

He doesn't look good, Bob.

My chest hurts.

He looks like a pregnant goat.

Calm down, buddy.

Everything's spinning.

Close your eyes and count to 10.

That's what my father does every time I speak.

Should I be seeing a bright light?

- Yes. - No.

- Go into the light. - It's so warm.

Damian says he sees you.

- Open your eyes, Bruce. - Wow.

I did not like that.

All right, now, the backstroke.

My grandma died of a back stroke.

- Uh, no she didn't. - She's alive?

- No. - Thank God.

Is this going to kill us?

- Different kind of stroke. - Good.

I can't die.

I'm so behind with work.

- You're seven. - You're 42.

So?

I thought we were saying each other's ages.

- Oh, my God. - I don't want to die.

Everyone dies.

Wow, life's a roller coaster.

Roller coasters kill four people per year.

Why are we still talking about this?

When I die, I'm going to start a band in heaven

with Elvis and Jesus called Elvis Baby Jesus,

and we're going to absolutely shred.

When I die, I'm going to turn into a ghost

and haunt every single person who doesn't cry at my funeral.

When I die, my mom says my soul will pass on to a one-eyed

vulture named Joshua.

Smallest world.

My cousin's name is Joshua, and he gives the best hugs.

Stop talking about death, OK?

Your kids.

You have your whole lives ahead of you.

Yes, we all die at some point, but that just

means that you should make the most of your life

while you're here.

Live, love, and learn.

That's all you can do in this short existence,

and today, we're going to learn the backstroke if it's

the last thing we do.

Language.

Mouth like a tawdry hooker.

Shut up.

The backstroke starts on your back.

Bruce is turning red again.

- My left side is numb. - Son of a--

You should hold your breath.

Drink a glass of water upside down.

We should scare him.

He doesn't have hiccups.

What the hell was that?

- My choir voice. - Bruce, are you OK?

I mean, I peed.

Me too.

So did I. It's OK.

Everything's OK, kids.

We're all going to calm down, take a breath,

wash off in the pool, and quietly learn the backstroke.

Pass.

I will end you.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, you get more--

Scoot, scoot, scoot.

Lose your table, or--

Oh, gosh, you guys, what a beautiful ceremony.

Yes.

Hey, to the bride and groom.

Cheers.

Yee.

Cheers.

So Lois, you're Jen's sister, right?

Yeah, big sister.

I can't believe she's married.

Such a gorgeous venue.

Isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Does your family have a lot of money?

Jeff.

Of course they have a lot of money.

They must be very rich people.

Lois, this has been wonderful.

You have to thank your family for having us here?

Oh, I will.

It's such a beautiful event.

It's such a wonderful day.

It's all about family, really, the best of times,

but it gets me thinking about the worst times too, you know?

Yes, me too.

I am just--

I'm so interested just in people, like what the worst

times that people have had.

Oh, wait.

Oh.

Let's play a little game here.

Ooh. Yeah.

This is great.

We can all go around the circle, and then

everybody say what's a horrible family memory that you have.

Oh, yeah, it could be anything.

Could be when was the last time you saw your mother cry.

Yeah, but say it like was it from something you did.

Or from abuse.

Yes, anything, any abuse, physical, mental, sexual even.

Go.

What would you say?

My mom cried at the ceremony.

No.

No, those are happy tears.

We're talking about something that makes you legitimately

upset, like, statistically speaking, over half

of this table comes from a broken home.

Whose parents here are divorced?

Oh, Bryan.

So clearly a lot of crying and tears in your family.

Yes.

Oh, God, and now we have a great conversation started.

Now we're talking.

We broke the ice.

Like, Bryan, after your dad left your mom,

did he support her financially?

Or, hey, let's go around the table

and say our class levels growing up.

Lower middle. - Upper middle.

Oh, hey, Lois, I heard you make a reference to horseback

riding in your speech.

So you must be upper upper, I'm guessing.

Upper upper. We skipped Chris.

That'd be great for you.

Thank you.

Both of us, we are just so interested in other people.

It's our curse.

We make friends wherever we go.

Oh, here's something.

What is something everyone would change about your bodies

if you could.

Ooh, I'd like a new haircut.

How about that?

Bryan?

I would lose a couple of pounds.

Isn't it funny neither of us said penis?

That's good for us though.

Chris, your penis?

Oh, God, it would be so interesting to know, Chris,

would you change your penis?

Can we change the subject? Oh, yeah.

We have a million things to talk about.

Here's a million one.

Rachel, my question for you.

I saw you did your toast with water.

Are you an alcoholic?

Yes, are you addicted to alcohol?

I used to drink, and now I don't.

Oh, Rachel.

What was your rock bottom moment?

Chris and I are just dying to know.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

I'm not. - Yes, you are.

Yes, you are, man.

Yes, you are, and it's so fun to share.

Get on the share train.

Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven was written

about the death of his son.

Have any of you ever lost a child

either through miscarriage or after the child was born?

They say that the loss of a child

is actually hardest on the parents.

Oh, God, Jeff, you know so many facts.

God, can we all have a toast to my boyfriend Jeff?

Rachel, you just toast with water because of your addiction

to alcohol.

To Jeff.

To Jeff.

To Jeff.

Welcome to Cocktails.

I'm little Esther, and my guest today

is the beautiful Alison Rich.

Aw, I am beautiful.

What pop song best describes your first sexual experience?

What's that one that's like,

it was fast and painful.

That's mine too.

Oh, my God, yes. Painful and fast.

Painful and fast.

And it's just seven seconds long, like the experience.

Zing.

Do you date guys who aren't as funny as you?

Well, I think I have a history of not dating

guys that are that funny.

Maybe you could, like, host a standup night

and then pick your boyfriend who's the funniest.

Yes, and turn it into like "The Bachelorette"

without them knowing.

I'll be like, there's a lot of agents in biz in the audience.

Actually, no, it's me and my extended family.

Just you and your family.

Yes.

OK, I'm going to try to guess the name

of your first sexual partner in 10 seconds or less.

Are you ready?

OK.

I'm so scared you're going to get it right.

- Jeff. - No.

- Bill. - No.

- Will. - No.

- Dave. - No.

- Henry. - No.

- Harry. - No.

- Sally. - No.

Jeff.

You said him already.

What were some of your most embarrassing

adolescent misconceptions about sex?

I didn't know about thrusting.

I thought it was just, like, he puts his penis in you,

and you just make meaningful eye contact, and, like,

deal with it for five minutes.

It's just like this but a penis is in a vagina.

I have the penis in this situation.

And you just have to, like, face yourself

in the eyes of another person.

My misconception was that I could get pregnant

from a girl touching my boob.

Oh.

Yeah.

I definitely had the fear of, like, pregnancy from a BJ.

Oh.

That the sperm would find a way.

What was the most memorable penis or vagina

you've ever seen and why?

It was my own vagina.

Every girl knows they got to get a small hand mirror

and inspect themselves, get to know them, and when I saw mine,

I wept.

I saw myself.

You saw yourself in your own vagina?

Yeah.

That's romantic.

It is.

What advice would you give your teenage self?

Get bangs as soon as possible, because they

frame your face so well.

When did you get them?

I got them, like, 23.

I went from a 6 to a solid 7.

Can hair and makeup give me some bangs?

Yeah, and can somebody tell me, just kidding, you're a 10,

Alison.

This is a map of the world, my world, my female anatomy,

and yours too.

We're going to guess what's what.

Are you ready? - Yes.

OK.

What is that?

I think it's the Fallopian tube, right?

Yeah. - Fallopian tube.

Boom!

I play to win.

This is a competition.

Let's see.

What's this? The egg cell?

Is this like--

no, I think-- is this like the pubic bone?

It looks like your fupa bubble.

Oh!

Pubic bone.

Oh, my God.

I am a doctor.

I am a true doctor.

This means I'm extra ready to have sex

because I know all the parts.

You're so in touch.

Yeah.

What do you think Michelle Obama's orgasm sounds like?

Real sloppy.

You know, like, uh.

I think it's time for a little advice from my Grammy Rose.

Hello, Grammy Rose.

Hello, hello.

How are you?

Hello, darling.

Don't be afraid to sit on the machine

when you do your laundry.

It's always nice to feel a little rumble in your knickers.

Grammy, is that why you do all my laundry?

Maybe.

Thank you so much for coming to the show.

As a parting gift, I have this black licorice flavored condom

balloon for you.

Oh.

Will you keep it forever?

I will.

You can reuse these condoms, right?

Yeah.

Ba-da, da-da, da, 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Insane Clown Posse.

What's up, guys? Welcome.

What's up, man?

It's great to be here.

It's an honor to be here, Mike.

Thanks for coming.

Um, I know you guys get this a lot,

but I would just love to read a lyric

and get your quick reaction.

This is ICP lyrics.

I'm a have to take your forehead and pound it.

You remember this one?

I'll bend you over and tie you up to a pole

and stretch your nuts back and fling them up your butt.

Fling up your ass. Yeah.

First of all, and that comes with a cartoon style lyric.

You hear it go .

You know what I'm saying?

Right up the anus.

So you can picture it.

That's genius.

I tied your grandma up in a basement.

I covered her eyes with your cousin's severed butt cheek.

Ooh, now I'm about to put a fire poker in your dad's pee hole.

- No, that's not us. - I wrote that one.

Yeah, I wrote that.

Oh.

Which of these-- which of these

adjectives applies to you.

If you can each just say yes or no.

Do you think of yourselves as political?

No.

No.

- Angry? - Yes.

Yes.

Christian?

Don't know.

Yeah, I'm not--

I'd say yeah.

Yeah.

Insane?

- Yeah. - I mean.

Fair.

Calorie counters.

.

Yes.

No.

I count them going down my throat.

Overprotective fathers.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Big fans of a strong, soft toilet paper.

- Yes. - Yeah.

- 100. - Me too.

Man, I can't stress that enough.

Violent J, I want you to be an angry, like, PTA mom

who's complaining about ICP lyrics, and we'll be ICP.

So what was it that upset you?

I have a sixth grader, OK, who goes to school to learn,

who goes to school to have memorable years making friends

and being introduced to the ways of the world,

and she comes home with filth.

She is a sixth grader, Mean Mike.

Is that what you rap As

Yeah, I'm Mean Mike.

Well, you certainly are mean to my little girl who's

trying to get an education, trying to have a great youth,

and you're spoiling it with rotten filth.

I wanted to see us do the most low energy car commercial ever.

You know how car commercials are always

like yelling at the camera, but we're

the most laid back, barely able to stay awake car commercial.

So come on down to Mike, Rick, and Jimmy's Toyotathon.

If you come get a car right now,

I mean, they come with a driver's seat,

a passenger seat.

Steering wheel.

And a back seat.

Yeah.

And don't bring your old car in either, because we

just don't have no use for it.

Yeah.

Turkey Time Toyota.

Thank you guys so much for doing the interview.

Here's the thing, they all end in a certain way.

I wondered--

Oh, shirtless?

No, but with a kiss.

Oh.

Yeah, no.

So if it's OK.

- Is it like on the lips? - No.

No.

I'm slightly uncomfortable.

Are you uncomfortable with that?

- Can we hug? - How about you chew his gum?

Yeah.

That's kind of like kissing.

Put her there.

I will say your lips were warm and wet, and it was nice.

It wasn't as horrible as I thought it'd be.

That's what I'm talking about, Shaggy.

I can't do it, man.

Oh, yeah.

Facebook can be fun, but sometimes when you load it up,

you see opinions from friends and family

that are a little uncomfortable.

That's why we've created Jynx, a new Facebook

alternative that only connects you with people

who share all your opinions.

With Jynx, you only see posts from friends

who agree with your views on social issues,

politics, and entertainment.

With Jynx, you won't see any more updates from your slightly

racist Uncle unless you're slightly racist, in which

case, that's all you'll see.

Jynx also makes it easy to agree with your friends

with helpful preset buttons for popular comments.

Oh, my God, yes.

And when you and a friend post the exact same status,

you'll both get Jynxed.

The more you get Jynxed, the higher

your Jynx score, which lets everyone know how popular

your opinions are, regardless of whether they're right or wrong.

No more defending, hiding, for unfollowing.

Jynx just let you go about your day

without ever seeing something you don't agree with.

Jynx, because you and your friends

are right about everything.

We the illest. What.

We the illest.

What.

Everybody grab your drink.

Don't spill it. We the illest.

What.

We the illest.

Everybody grab your drink.

Don't spill it.

I got a drink in my hand.

Tried to get another one.

I think that's my .

Hey, Donna, congrats on the baby.

Stefan, heard about the new job, dude.

Penelope, I love the wedding pics.

What's even the point of high school reunions

in the age of social media?

Yeah, I know.

We know everything already.

Everyone's on Facebook.

Except for Aaron, who's not on Facebook.

Oh, my God.

It's him.

Mother .

He's real.

There's Aaron, the Aaron.

I thought he died.

He's been missing for 10 years.

Let's buy this guy a drink.

Excuse me.

He speaks.

Aaron, Aaron, it's Amos from sophomore homeroom.

Amos.

Everyone wants to know, what have you been up to?

Uh, you know, after graduation, I kind of just

started working at my dad's auto shop.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.

- You in the front, yeah. - Mike Lane.

We were in AP bio together.

No, I don't remember.

Are you married?

Yes, got married in 2010 actually.

Wow.

Quick follow up question.

Kids?

Yeah, I got kids, twins.

I knew none of this.

Exquisite. Aaron.

Gray pants, yeah.

If I posted an article about race relations

in the United States, how would you comment or like?

I'd probably disagree at first to get

attention, and then maybe post a reactionary think piece.

Thanks.

Aaron, if I poked you, would you poke back?

No, I don't poke.

Aaron, I think we'd all like to know, why

didn't you ever join Facebook?

I did join Facebook.

I just blocked you assholes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get some punch.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, now I remember.

Aaron's a dick.

Off the hook, but the phone never rang.

Beast on the beats, no claws, no fangs.

Bring your crew and fight the whole gang.