Original subtitles

Oh my god, we saw "12 Years a Slave."

Ugh.

It was so powerful.

Gut-wrenching.

Susan and I will have to keep an eye out for that one.

We're cinephiles ourselves.

Huge movie buffs.

Seen anything good lately?

Oh my god, have you seen "Gravity?"

- Mm. - That one doesn't ring a bell.

It's so good.

But oh, what did we just see the other night?

Oh my g, you guys.

I can't get it out of my head.

It was so good. - Oh.

Was it "Blue Jasmine?"

Oh my god, what was it?

Oh, god, I don't know.

I'm having the-- I'm having the--

I'm having the biggest brain fart.

I can't remember.

God, it was gorgeous.

Why is the name escaping me?

You remember.

Who was in it?

Who was in it?

There were two main actors to start.

This was not a flashy film.

This is more of a conceptual.

A real actors' piece.

Piece, yeah.

Something to really sink your teeth into.

What was it about?

What was it about?

It was about this young girl.

It was the morning of her 18th birthday.

Stunning, stunning.

Oh, just a beautiful girl.

So she had just turned 18 that morning.

And she was having a pool birthday party, a pool party.

This doesn't even sound familiar.

I don't--

The conflict comes when the girl

realizes the pool is dirty.

Oh.

My god, yes.

And you see everything through this girl's perspective.

My pool is dirty.

It's my birthday.

All my girlfriends are coming over.

What am I gonna do?

And at this point, you're upset, you know?

Yes.

It's sad.

It's a sad movie until the pool boy shows up.

Do you remember the director?

Oh.

No, but it's funny, you actually see him.

Like, he actually pops into frame a few times.

Oh, hello, Hollywood Lingo Man.

I get "Entertainment Weekly."

So la, la, la, enter pool boy.

And that's where the dialogue all but stops.

Everything that needs to be said

between pool boy and Little Miss Now

is a Woman is in their eyes.

Yes.

That is how instantaneous their connection is.

I definitely have not seen this movie.

Ah.

I'm starting to think I might have.

Do you know everyone else in the theater

was there by themselves?

That's how personal of an experience this is.

Yeah, not like your 12-year-old slave.

That's not the name of the movie.

- Yeah, 12 slaves. - Not it.

So he unhooks her bikini top, and then--

oh, well, I should warn you, there is nudity in this.

Unhooks her bikini, and then they just make love.

They make love for the rest of the film.

Ah.

And there's very little dialogue.

Maybe, you know, an F-word here or a P-word.

Look, you guys realize you were watching--

Oh, I'm so sorry to cut you off.

Just when you think you know where this picture is going,

the party guests arrive.

All of the birthday girl's girlfriends show up,

and they're there to help.

Seriously, each and every one of them joins in.

It's--

And it's all like, let me kiss your this,

let me slap your that.

This is Susan's favorite part.

They have sex with the pool boy.

They have sex with each other.

They have sex with themselves.

Yeah, it's exquisite.

It's so French.

God, I can't believe it was made in Southern California.

That was not a movie.

You're right, Sherry.

This was film.

No.

This was cinema.

That's not what I was saying at all.

Good call, Sherr.

And this movie, it moved people to tears.

Everyone must have been moved to tears,

because the floor of the theater was littered with tissues.

OK.

And how could you not be?

Oh, god, I remember.

"Barely Legal Birthday Butts 17."

Yeah.

But you don't have to see 1 through 16

to know what's happening.

Really?

Oh, Jeff and I were able to follow along swimmingly.

Sure.

We knew exactly what was going on.

My penis is starting to tear up again.

Thank you guys so much for lunch.

I gotta go. - Oh, baby.

He's Italian.

What are you gonna do?

Yeah!

OK, class.

Today, I'm supposed to go over the pool rules with you,

but you know what I have to say about these rules?

Who needs them? - Hey.

- No! - What?

Someone took the time to write that, you ass.

You are what's wrong with this country.

I'm sorry?

Apologize to the author.

My moms are both authors.

Whatever.

Those rules don't exist, OK?

The only rule that matters in the pool is--

What's poop?

It's the stuff that comes out of your butt after

you've had too much McDonald's.

Oh.

In Canada, we call that a dirty baby.

Any questions?

What if we really have to go?

Then get out of the pool.

And what if we don't?

Then I'll fail you.

What?

This is America, the land of the free,

the home of Taylor Swift, and the place where

we can poop wherever we want.

Amen.

Yeah, you're playing with fire, Mr. J.

And by fire, I mean my matzah butt soup.

Don't you think you're overreacting, Bob?

No, you're not babies.

If you poop in the pool, I will fail you.

What if it's not our fault?

What if our bodies are possessed by Selwig,

the demon of mischief, and he forces us to have a dirty baby?

Stop saying dirty baby.

What if one just slips out and we don't feel it?

If poops are slipping out of your butt,

you've got bigger problems than failing my class.

What if it's coming on fast and we need help?

We need code words.

We really don't.

- Biscuits and gravy. - Noah's ark.

- Shia LaBeouf. - Hickory jam.

Fuzzy lumpkin.

The Hollywood Foreign Press.

- Goat meal. - Goat meal?

Green eggs and ham.

Fine.

If you have to poop, the universal phrase

is green eggs and ham.

Seuss is so trite.

But what if it's a small poop?

I will fail you you.

You Nazi.

Selwig, damn you.

I'm telling my moms about this.

Hey, guys, look, I know everyone's

sour on this whole poop thing.

But Mr. James never does anything without a reason, OK?

What I think he's trying to say is that life is like this pool.

And poops are like bad decisions.

And the more bad decisions we make,

the more our lives are filled with poop.

Absolutely not, Bruce.

No lessons here, kids.

It's very simple.

If you poop in this pool, I will fail you.

Poop grosses me out more than anything in the world.

And I'll have to clean it up.

And I'll never forgive you. Got it?

Well, in that case, green eggs and ham big time.

- Ditto. - Amen.

- Dirty baby. - Out of the pool!

Hi, welcome to Cock Tales.

I'm Little Esther, and this is my beautiful guest,

Sarah Schaeffer.

OK, so if at any point during this interview,

I ask you something and it makes you uncomfortable

and you don't want to answer, it just use your safe word, which

today's is Jake Gyllenhaal.

OK, great.

Do you want to just say it by yourself?

Jake Gyllenhaal.

OK.

These are actual questions from fifth graders

in a sex ed class.

OK.

When the "pe-nice" is put into the Virginia--

Uh-huh.

does it slide in quietly or click like a key in a lock?

If it clicked like a key in a lock, I'd be concerned.

If that's the sound it's making,

you're really dry down there.

Oh, god.

I feel like if it clicks like a key, I'd be like,

this is-- like, we're getting married.

- We're in love. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - We're a fit.

Have you intercoursed?

I have intercoursed?

Usually, it only lasts about 30 seconds.

Yeah.

That means you're pretty.

I would rather intercourse at night than in the morning,

right?

Morning intercoursing is--

can be really great because I find that, like, the boners

are just a little more stiff.

And it's more fun that way, but the breath--

Can I tell you something?

You're right.

It's true.

They're so much better.

But the breath.

So if we could just be like--

Yeah.

groins touching and then mouths as far away as possible.

Yes.

Or do it doggy style.

You're on to something.

Doggy style is when puppies watch, OK.

What is on your sex bucket list?

Probably conception of a child.

Oh, really?

I don't know.

For me, sex bucket list would be to watch.

I'm a voyeur.

So I want to watch two people that I find extremely

attractive each other.

Oh, that's cute.

But be in a closet, like, where they don't know I'm

there. - Right.

I am a criminal.

I feel like I would like to watch one

really attractive person and one really

unattractive person have sex.

For me, that, like, makes it spicier.

Is the man the unattractive one or is the woman?

I don't think I care.

Are there any celebrities whose orgasms do you

think that you can impersonate?

Dame Judi Dench.

Mm.

I think hers is probably like oh, oh, oh, oh.

It's very long.

She comes for a very long time.

I feel like I would like to do, like,

a ballet dance to her orgasm.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

What was the most memorable penis or vagina that you saw,

and why?

The most memorable penis I've ever seen,

it was just so, so big.

It didn't look real.

It was like a rod.

Like, it didn't even have, like, shape.

It was just like a baton that you would beat someone with.

And the weirdest vagina I've ever seen

is probably-- it was a very crazy night.

I had a foursome.

And I will say, it was a great way to meet people.

What advice would you give your teenage self?

Oh, man.

I would probably just say, like, chill, you know?

Like, it's gonna happen.

You're gonna meet men and women.

You're gonna have a great time.

Were you a late bloomer?

I was a late bloomer, and I married the first person

I had sex with.

Who gave you your sex talk and how did it go?

My mom sat me down.

I was in kindergarten.

And she read me a book.

And it was very '70s.

The specific thing I remember is she said--

the book said, and they love each other

so much that they come so close to each other, almost touching.

It said almost touching.

So I thought that sperm flew out of a man's penis

and then somehow flew into a woman's vagina,

I guess like how flowers are pollinated.

I asked my mom where babies come from,

and she said, I don't know.

It's better not to talk about it, you know?

Yeah, so that's why I'm doing this show.

Oh my gosh.

So you just found out.

Almost touching.

Almost touch, yeah.

Now, my sweet Grammy Rose is going to come

and give us some advice.

Hey.

Now, I never saw the point of a hand job.

But if you're gonna do it, at least point

the thing away from your face.

Oh.

Thanks, Grammy.

I wish I'd have known that sooner.

Sarah, thank you so much for coming to the show.

Thank you so much for having me.

I wanted to give you this condom balloon.

It's vanilla flavored.

Oh.

I can't really taste the vanilla.

So two things.

One, you're a country singer.

And two, I've actually heard of you.

So how is that possible?

My name's Janessa Slater, and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you and your husband, Eddie, have a reality show on VH1.

Shouldn't that be on VH1 Classic because you're so old?

I'm actually just 31.

I mean, I've been around for 20 years, but I'm just 31 still.

And I know what that's like because I

was actually very famous from a young age as well.

You were?

Yeah.

For what?

Baby Jessica, you know?

You've heard of her.

I don't-- I don't think so.

She fell down this well, and I pushed her, so.

That's messed up.

Some people would say it's really cool.

So have you ever thought about getting pregnant?

Yeah, I mean, I've thought about it.

I think that's a really great idea for your career

because, you know, nobody can hate a pregnant woman.

Right, but that's a horrible-- like,

that's a horrible thing to do is to bring this child,

you know, into the world because I don't want anyone to hate me.

I mean, that's really selfish. - I don't know.

Like, I tell people that I'm pregnant almost every day just

so that they'll be like, yeah, have a seat,

or, like, you know, I'm not gonna press charges.

I've been accused of doing that in the tabloids,

and I never really realized that there's people out there

like you who actually do it.

There's actually people out there like me

who would love for the tabloids to accuse

them of being fake pregnant.

So like, that's kind of offensive to me.

So like, not cool.

Your first name is two names, and that's weird.

Actually, my first name is Margaret,

and my middle name is Leanne.

So it's actually one.

Wait, what?

Why haven't you been going by Margaret Rimes?

Please don't call me Margaret.

It really, really annoys me.

You could-- you wouldn't even need

a last name with that name.

It's not like Madonna, which Madonna is, like, cool,

and Margaret sounds, like, you know, old.

Whoa.

I don't know who you've been talking to,

but Margaret is a way cooler name than Madonna.

It's like, what does that even mean?

The mother of Jesus.

I'm Jewish, so that doesn't-- it's like--

OK.

Yeah.

You know, Rimes is the perfect rapper's name.

And since, you know, country is kind of out right

now and rapping is kind of in, I feel like maybe you should,

like, pursue a rapping career.

You know, white girl rappers are huge right now.

You know, like Iggy Azaleas and you know.

Well, I mean, Busta Rhymes already kind of

took that name in rap music.

Leanne and Busta, you know?

Or rhymes squared.

Let me just give you a sense of, like, what,

to me, is great freestyle.

OK.

OK.

Everybody say, what up?

What-- and then everybody goes, what up?

Everybody say, who's here?

And then everybody goes, who's here?

Everybody say, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

And drop the beat.

And then it goes, like, boom.

Everybody say--

I don't think that's gonna work.

Leanne and Janessa, whoa.

Everybody, yeah--

Hold on.

on tour, 1998.

OK.

I don't know if that will work.

And I thought Busta and I were a duo, and you weren't inside it.

Oh, right, right, I put myself in there instead of Busta.

Right.

I don't-- maybe that's a better idea?

It's so funny because, like, I know I'm supposed to give you

advice, but all I want to do is just,

like, gab, like, about dudes and how they stink.

Maybe you're dating boys instead of men.

Remember Boyz II Men?

Mm-hmm, I remember Boyz II Men.

But you don't remember baby Jessica?

Stanley, what a pleasure.

We love your work.

Personally, I didn't see "2001, A Space Story,"

but I just love movies about the infinite cycle of life,

death, and the universe.

It's, like, my favorite thing.

- That and cheese and crackers. - Oh.

Oh.

I might like that one a little more.

She knows him.

And now we've got your very first horror

movie script, "The Shining."

I'm holding it right here.

Ooh, is it scary to hold?

Ow.

Now, Stanley, can I just ask you something real quick?

Have you ever seen a horror movie?

Because by the looks of it, you have no idea

what the fuck you're doing.

Yeah, I mean, horror movie audiences want blood.

They want guts.

They want teens in the woods hacked up by crazy killers.

You don't have any of that.

You've got a boy with an imaginary friend.

A fancy hotel.

A Black cook.

Twin little girls.

A lady in a bathtub.

A 1920s party.

A well-kept hedge maze.

And a guy in a dog mask giving another guy a blowjob.

Weird.

None of these things are really that scary.

And none of them make any sense.

Some of these figures are integral

to the paranormal and psychological

aspects of the film.

He's doing you.

Yeah, he's doing--

let's compromise and just cut all that garbage

out of the script, OK? - What?

Great, great, great.

So we have a guy who has a writer's block, so he decides

to start killing his family.

Stanley, boring.

Writing about writer's block?

It sounds like somebody couldn't come up with anything

better to write.

We're talking about you, you dummy.

So let's fix that.

Now, I love that it takes place in a hotel, clean sheets.

Hate that the hotel is empty, though.

Right, take it out of the winter, put it in summer.

Great.

Fill it up with stupid, sexy people

and just start killing their stupid, sexy bodies.

Jack could be the bellhop, OK?

And he's getting revenge on everyone

because they're not giving him good enough tips.

A couple of lovers get naked in the hedge maze, maybe

a Hispanic man or something.

And then you know what?

Who shows up?

Bam, it's Jack slashing them up.

Room service!

Oh my god.

- That's what we have him say. - It writes itself.

- Yes. - Great.

That's good, better than what you have here.

Here's Johnny?

What does that mean?

People love Johnny Carson.

Yeah, Johnny Carson is a sweet old man.

Don't drag him into your shitty horror film, please.

It's the emptiness and evil spirits

in the hotel that are the elements

that drive Jack insane.

OK, no, you really sound like a stupid child

when you say things like that.

I don't think you realize how boring you are.

See, no one is gonna be scared of a guy just sitting

there staring at nothing.

But within the context of what's happening--

Hey, you're the filmmaker, OK?

Let's at least see these spirits.

Guy can't write a book.

We got a couple of fun, cool spirits, right?

They're funky.

No, not fun, funky spirits.

Right, OK.

So then the spirits come in, they help him finish the book.

Ghostwriters. - Oh my god.

There's our

This is why she's where you are and you look like that.

This movie is already adapted from a book.

Really?

Because I feel like all the ideas

that we're giving you are much better than this caca doo-doo

you wrote down.

Yeah.

I don't think I can work in this fashion.

Come on, we're doing you a favor.

This is not good.

OK, the way you have it ending is he's just

in a black and white photo.

People are in pictures all the time.

No one's gonna be scared by that.

Stanley, do not walk out.

Stanley, Stanley, Stan-- oh, Stanley.

Oh, who cares? It's just a movie, right?

- It's just a movie. - It is just a movie.

So it's not gonna make a big difference in the greater

scheme of things.

Yeah, let's get the next guy in, Alison, please.

Who was he?

Yes, Sheer, I know.

If we're only having sex and see each other at night,

we're not dating.

And?

And if we do zero daytime activities,

like go out to eat or go to the movies, we're not dating.

And?

And if he makes me take the subway because he doesn't want

to share a cab with me when we're gonna go hook up

at his place, we're not dating.

Oh, god.

OK, let's go back to your place.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Wait, no, no, we can go together.

No, I don't want to be seen, like, together.

Oh, "we're not together."

You are not my boyfriend!

So you can't call him your boyfriend.

No, but can I call him my nighttime friend?

I mean, I guess if you want to feel better about it.

Well, it doesn't really make me feel better.

It just makes me feel less single.

Well, that's not a title.

You can't be less single.

You're either single or you're not.

What if I started calling it not quite

single but still available because I'm single, so hello,

gentlemen?

That's way too confusing of a thing.

You haven't even shown me a picture of this guy.

Oh, my bad.

What am I doing?

He's super cute.

Oh, he is cute.

Is it that guy right there?

Yeah, we've been sexting this whole time.

Nikki, you cannot call this guy your boyfriend

if you're not even talking to each other

when you're in the same space.

Why not?

I think he's on a date.

No.

Yeah, OK, all right, OK.

Maybe he's playing hard to get.

Nope, I don't even buy it.

What if I asked for a threesome?

That's still not a relationship.

I mean, it kind of is.

You've seen "Sister Wives."

They're in a relationship.

I mean, if that's what you want.

Excuse me.

I would like to have a threesome with you white people.

Maybe don't--

- Don't call out their race? - Yeah.

Do you think that's rude?

Yeah, because then they're thinking about that,

and it's, like, another thing on top of it.

- OK. - Just like-- just--

Excuse me.

I want to put my fingers in your places.

OK. - That was good.

Oh, yeah, cool.

Ooh.

Ooh, Batman.

The last couple of months dating you have been wonderful,

Bruce.

I've enjoyed my time with you, Rose.

But I need you to be honest.

Look, Bruce, are you Batman?

No.

Bruce, come on.

We met because Batman saved me from the Riddler

and handed me your business card and said, you're pretty.

You should call my friend, Bruce Wayne.

Good evening.

Can I get the two of you anything to drink

while you look at the menu?

I'll have the Barberesco 2005, please.

Indeed.

And you, sir?

Batwater-- water, I said water.

Bruce, it's not a big deal.

I'm not interested in dating Batman.

I'm interested in you.

Well, that's good, because I'm not Batman.

You want to get that?

I know, I know.

This is rude.

Batman.

I mean Batman, why are you calling me

on the phone, Batman?

You're with Commissioner Gordon on the other side of town?

I'll be right there, Jim.

Speaking of Batman, that was him on the phone,

because I am not him.

Yes, you are, and no, it wasn't.

That was clearly Commissioner Gordon.

No.

Batman's real name is Jim.

Jim?

Jim Batman.

Bruce, I don't want to see you again if you're

gonna keep lying to me.

Rose, I'm not lying.

Your Barbaresca, ma'am.

And sir, your Batwater.

I won't be needing that now.

Have the valet pull my car around.

Yes, sir.

Which car is yours?

It's the Batmobile.

You even drove the Batmobile here?

It's a 2009 Batmobile.

I bought it used from my good friend, Jim--

Jim Batman. - Fine, Bruce.

You're not Batman.

Just do me a favor and lose my number, OK?

Well-played, Batman.

Here we go, "Walking Dead" season eight.

Oh, god, it's been on for eight seasons?

How can you watch this show? It's so violent.

Oh, it's not that violent.

Whoa, Maggie just tore off that zombie's face

with a garden rake.

98% of this show is just

people standing around talking.

So much talking.

Here we go, Negan and Rick gonna fight to the--

and they're still talking.

Carl!

No, if you're going outside of the walls,

cover yourself in zombie guts.

I could totally write for this show.

Hey, it's the zombie apocalypse, why don't we go forage for food

in groups of one or two?

I could totally survive an apocalypse.

No, Enid, you-- friggin' go for the zombie's head.

I could totally slice up a bunch of zombies like Michonne.

Stop being Michonne.

Sorry, babe.

I don't know who I want to die next, Carl or Carl's hat.

Go, Daryl, go.

God, I love Daryl.

Wait a minute.

Yes, I love Dale.

Yes, I love T-Dog.

I love Glen.

Oh, no, they're gonna kill Daryl.

That ending was insane.

Oh my god, I can't wait for season nine.

Oh, god, what am I doing with my life?