All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S04E13.And.At.This.Point.Youre.Upset.You.Know.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Oh my god, we
saw "12 Years a Slave."

Ugh.

It was so powerful.

Gut-wrenching.

Susan and I will have to
keep an eye out for that one.

We're cinephiles ourselves.

Huge movie buffs.

Seen anything good lately?

Oh my god, have
you seen "Gravity?"

- Mm.
- That one doesn't ring a bell.

It's so good.

But oh, what did we
just see the other night?

Oh my g, you guys.

I can't get it out of my head.

It was so good.
- Oh.

Was it "Blue Jasmine?"

Oh my god, what was it?

Oh, god, I don't know.

I'm having the--
I'm having the--

I'm having the
biggest brain fart.

I can't remember.

God, it was gorgeous.

Why is the name escaping me?

You remember.

Who was in it?

Who was in it?

There were two
main actors to start.

This was not a flashy film.

This is more of a conceptual.

A real actors' piece.

Piece, yeah.

Something to really
sink your teeth into.

What was it about?

What was it about?

It was about this young girl.

It was the morning
of her 18th birthday.

Stunning, stunning.

Oh, just a beautiful girl.

So she had just turned
18 that morning.

And she was having a pool
birthday party, a pool party.

This doesn't even
sound familiar.

I don't--

The conflict
comes when the girl

realizes the pool is dirty.

Oh.

My god, yes.

And you see everything through
this girl's perspective.

My pool is dirty.

It's my birthday.

All my girlfriends
are coming over.

What am I gonna do?

And at this point,
you're upset, you know?

Yes.

It's sad.

It's a sad movie until
the pool boy shows up.

Do you remember the director?

Oh.

No, but it's funny,
you actually see him.

Like, he actually pops
into frame a few times.

Oh, hello,
Hollywood Lingo Man.

I get "Entertainment Weekly."

So la, la,
la, enter pool boy.

And that's where the
dialogue all but stops.

Everything that
needs to be said

between pool boy
and Little Miss Now

is a Woman is in their eyes.

Yes.

That is how instantaneous
their connection is.

I definitely have
not seen this movie.

Ah.

I'm starting to
think I might have.

Do you know everyone
else in the theater

was there by themselves?

That's how personal of
an experience this is.

Yeah, not like your
12-year-old slave.

That's not the
name of the movie.

- Yeah, 12 slaves.
- Not it.

So he unhooks her
bikini top, and then--

oh, well, I should warn you,
there is nudity in this.

Unhooks her bikini, and
then they just make love.

They make love for
the rest of the film.

Ah.

And there's very
little dialogue.

Maybe, you know, an
F-word here or a P-word.

Look, you guys realize
you were watching--

Oh, I'm so sorry
to cut you off.

Just when you think you know
where this picture is going,

the party guests arrive.

All of the birthday girl's
girlfriends show up,

and they're there to help.

Seriously, each and every
one of them joins in.

It's--

And it's all like,
let me kiss your this,

let me slap your that.

This is Susan's favorite part.

They have sex with the pool boy.

They have sex with each other.

They have sex with themselves.

Yeah, it's exquisite.

It's so French.

God, I can't believe it was
made in Southern California.

That was not a movie.

You're right, Sherry.

This was film.

No.

This was cinema.

That's not what I
was saying at all.

Good call, Sherr.

And this movie, it
moved people to tears.

Everyone must have
been moved to tears,

because the floor of the theater
was littered with tissues.

OK.

And how could you not be?

Oh, god, I remember.

"Barely Legal
Birthday Butts 17."

Yeah.

But you don't have
to see 1 through 16

to know what's happening.

Really?

Oh, Jeff and I were able
to follow along swimmingly.

Sure.

We knew exactly
what was going on.

My penis is starting
to tear up again.

Thank you guys so
much for lunch.

I gotta go.
- Oh, baby.

He's Italian.

What are you gonna do?

Yeah!

OK, class.

Today, I'm supposed to go
over the pool rules with you,

but you know what I have
to say about these rules?

Who needs them?
- Hey.

- No!
- What?

Someone took the time
to write that, you ass.

You are what's wrong
with this country.

I'm sorry?

Apologize to the author.

My moms are both authors.

Whatever.

Those rules don't exist, OK?

The only rule that
matters in the pool is--

What's poop?

It's the stuff that comes
out of your butt after

you've had too much McDonald's.

Oh.

In Canada, we call
that a dirty baby.

Any questions?

What if we really have to go?

Then get out of the pool.

And what if we don't?

Then I'll fail you.

What?

This is America,
the land of the free,

the home of Taylor Swift,
and the place where

we can poop wherever we want.

Amen.

Yeah, you're playing
with fire, Mr. J.

And by fire, I mean
my matzah butt soup.

Don't you think you're
overreacting, Bob?

No, you're not babies.

If you poop in the
pool, I will fail you.

What if it's not our fault?

What if our bodies are
possessed by Selwig,

the demon of mischief, and he
forces us to have a dirty baby?

Stop saying dirty baby.

What if one just slips
out and we don't feel it?

If poops are slipping
out of your butt,

you've got bigger problems
than failing my class.

What if it's coming on
fast and we need help?

We need code words.

We really don't.

- Biscuits and gravy.
- Noah's ark.

- Shia LaBeouf.
- Hickory jam.

Fuzzy lumpkin.

The Hollywood Foreign Press.

- Goat meal.
- Goat meal?

Green eggs and ham.

Fine.

If you have to poop,
the universal phrase

is green eggs and ham.

Seuss is so trite.

But what if it's a small poop?

I will fail you you.

You Nazi.

Selwig, damn you.

I'm telling my
moms about this.

Hey, guys, look,
I know everyone's

sour on this whole poop thing.

But Mr. James never does
anything without a reason, OK?

What I think he's trying to say
is that life is like this pool.

And poops are like
bad decisions.

And the more bad
decisions we make,

the more our lives
are filled with poop.

Absolutely not, Bruce.

No lessons here, kids.

It's very simple.

If you poop in this
pool, I will fail you.

Poop grosses me out more
than anything in the world.

And I'll have to clean it up.

And I'll never forgive you.
Got it?

Well, in that case, green
eggs and ham big time.

- Ditto.
- Amen.

- Dirty baby.
- Out of the pool!

Hi, welcome to Cock Tales.

I'm Little Esther, and
this is my beautiful guest,

Sarah Schaeffer.

OK, so if at any
point during this interview,

I ask you something and
it makes you uncomfortable

and you don't want to answer, it
just use your safe word, which

today's is Jake Gyllenhaal.

OK, great.

Do you want to just
say it by yourself?

Jake Gyllenhaal.

OK.

These are actual questions
from fifth graders

in a sex ed class.

OK.

When the "pe-nice" is
put into the Virginia--

Uh-huh.

does it slide in quietly
or click like a key in a lock?

If it clicked like a key
in a lock, I'd be concerned.

If that's the sound
it's making,

you're really dry down there.

Oh, god.

I feel like if it clicks
like a key, I'd be like,

this is-- like, we're
getting married.

- We're in love.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- We're a fit.

Have you intercoursed?

I have intercoursed?

Usually, it only lasts
about 30 seconds.

Yeah.

That means you're pretty.

I would rather intercourse
at night than in the morning,

right?

Morning intercoursing is--

can be really great because
I find that, like, the boners

are just a little more stiff.

And it's more fun that
way, but the breath--

Can I tell you something?

You're right.

It's true.

They're so much better.

But the breath.

So if we could just be like--

Yeah.

groins touching and then
mouths as far away as possible.

Yes.

Or do it doggy style.

You're on to something.

Doggy style is when
puppies watch, OK.

What is on your
sex bucket list?

Probably conception
of a child.

Oh, really?

I don't know.

For me, sex bucket
list would be to watch.

I'm a voyeur.

So I want to watch two
people that I find extremely

attractive each other.

Oh, that's cute.

But be in a closet, like,
where they don't know I'm

there.
- Right.

I am a criminal.

I feel like I
would like to watch one

really attractive
person and one really

unattractive person have sex.

For me, that, like,
makes it spicier.

Is the man the unattractive
one or is the woman?

I don't think I care.

Are there any celebrities
whose orgasms do you

think that you can impersonate?

Dame Judi Dench.

Mm.

I think hers is probably
like oh, oh, oh, oh.

It's very long.

She comes for a very long time.

I feel like I would
like to do, like,

a ballet dance to her orgasm.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

What was the most memorable
penis or vagina that you saw,

and why?

The most memorable
penis I've ever seen,

it was just so, so big.

It didn't look real.

It was like a rod.

Like, it didn't even
have, like, shape.

It was just like a baton that
you would beat someone with.

And the weirdest
vagina I've ever seen

is probably-- it was
a very crazy night.

I had a foursome.

And I will say, it was a
great way to meet people.

What advice would you
give your teenage self?

Oh, man.

I would probably just say,
like, chill, you know?

Like, it's gonna happen.

You're gonna meet men and women.

You're gonna have a great time.

Were you a late bloomer?

I was a late bloomer, and
I married the first person

I had sex with.

Who gave you your
sex talk and how did it go?

My mom sat me down.

I was in kindergarten.

And she read me a book.

And it was very '70s.

The specific thing I
remember is she said--

the book said, and
they love each other

so much that they come so close
to each other, almost touching.

It said almost touching.

So I thought that sperm
flew out of a man's penis

and then somehow flew
into a woman's vagina,

I guess like how
flowers are pollinated.

I asked my mom where
babies come from,

and she said, I don't know.

It's better not to
talk about it, you know?

Yeah, so that's why
I'm doing this show.

Oh my gosh.

So you just found out.

Almost touching.

Almost touch, yeah.

Now, my sweet Grammy
Rose is going to come

and give us some advice.

Hey.

Now, I never saw the
point of a hand job.

But if you're gonna
do it, at least point

the thing away from your face.

Oh.

Thanks, Grammy.

I wish I'd have
known that sooner.

Sarah, thank you so much
for coming to the show.

Thank you so
much for having me.

I wanted to give you
this condom balloon.

It's vanilla flavored.

Oh.

I can't really
taste the vanilla.

So two things.

One, you're a country singer.

And two, I've
actually heard of you.

So how is that possible?

My name's Janessa Slater,
and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you and your husband, Eddie,
have a reality show on VH1.

Shouldn't that be on VH1
Classic because you're so old?

I'm actually just 31.

I mean, I've been around for 20
years, but I'm just 31 still.

And I know what
that's like because I

was actually very famous
from a young age as well.

You were?

Yeah.

For what?

Baby Jessica, you know?

You've heard of her.

I don't-- I don't think so.

She fell down this well,
and I pushed her, so.

That's messed up.

Some people would
say it's really cool.

So have you ever thought
about getting pregnant?

Yeah, I mean, I've
thought about it.

I think that's a really
great idea for your career

because, you know, nobody
can hate a pregnant woman.

Right, but that's
a horrible-- like,

that's a horrible thing to
do is to bring this child,

you know, into the world because
I don't want anyone to hate me.

I mean, that's really selfish.
- I don't know.

Like, I tell people that I'm
pregnant almost every day just

so that they'll be
like, yeah, have a seat,

or, like, you know, I'm
not gonna press charges.

I've been accused of
doing that in the tabloids,

and I never really realized
that there's people out there

like you who actually do it.

There's actually
people out there like me

who would love for
the tabloids to accuse

them of being fake pregnant.

So like, that's kind
of offensive to me.

So like, not cool.

Your first name is two
names, and that's weird.

Actually, my first
name is Margaret,

and my middle name is Leanne.

So it's actually one.

Wait, what?

Why haven't you been
going by Margaret Rimes?

Please don't call me Margaret.

It really, really annoys me.

You could-- you
wouldn't even need

a last name with that name.

It's not like Madonna,
which Madonna is, like, cool,

and Margaret sounds,
like, you know, old.

Whoa.

I don't know who
you've been talking to,

but Margaret is a way
cooler name than Madonna.

It's like, what
does that even mean?

The mother of Jesus.

I'm Jewish, so that
doesn't-- it's like--

OK.

Yeah.

You know, Rimes is the
perfect rapper's name.

And since, you know,
country is kind of out right

now and rapping is kind of in,
I feel like maybe you should,

like, pursue a rapping career.

You know, white girl
rappers are huge right now.

You know, like Iggy
Azaleas and you know.

Well, I mean, Busta
Rhymes already kind of

took that name in rap music.

Leanne and Busta, you know?

Or rhymes squared.

Let me just give you
a sense of, like, what,

to me, is great freestyle.

OK.

OK.

Everybody say, what up?

What-- and then
everybody goes, what up?

Everybody say, who's here?

And then everybody
goes, who's here?

Everybody say, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

And drop the beat.

And then it goes, like, boom.

Everybody say--

I don't think
that's gonna work.

Leanne and Janessa, whoa.

Everybody, yeah--

Hold on.

on tour, 1998.

OK.

I don't know if that will work.

And I thought Busta and I were a
duo, and you weren't inside it.

Oh, right, right, I put myself
in there instead of Busta.

Right.

I don't-- maybe
that's a better idea?

It's so funny because, like, I
know I'm supposed to give you

advice, but all I
want to do is just,

like, gab, like, about
dudes and how they stink.

Maybe you're dating
boys instead of men.

Remember Boyz II Men?

Mm-hmm, I remember
Boyz II Men.

But you don't
remember baby Jessica?

Stanley, what a pleasure.

We love your work.

Personally, I didn't
see "2001, A Space Story,"

but I just love movies about
the infinite cycle of life,

death, and the universe.

It's, like, my favorite thing.

- That and cheese and crackers.
- Oh.

Oh.

I might like that
one a little more.

She knows him.

And now we've got
your very first horror

movie script, "The Shining."

I'm holding it right here.

Ooh, is it scary to hold?

Ow.

Now, Stanley, can I just
ask you something real quick?

Have you ever seen
a horror movie?

Because by the looks
of it, you have no idea

what the fuck you're doing.

Yeah, I mean, horror
movie audiences want blood.

They want guts.

They want teens in the woods
hacked up by crazy killers.

You don't have any of that.

You've got a boy with
an imaginary friend.

A fancy hotel.

A Black cook.

Twin little girls.

A lady in a bathtub.

A 1920s party.

A well-kept hedge maze.

And a guy in a dog mask
giving another guy a blowjob.

Weird.

None of these
things are really that scary.

And none of them make any sense.

Some of these
figures are integral

to the paranormal
and psychological

aspects of the film.

He's doing you.

Yeah, he's doing--

let's compromise and
just cut all that garbage

out of the script, OK?
- What?

Great, great, great.

So we have a guy who has a
writer's block, so he decides

to start killing his family.

Stanley, boring.

Writing about writer's block?

It sounds like somebody
couldn't come up with anything

better to write.

We're talking
about you, you dummy.

So let's fix that.

Now, I love that it takes
place in a hotel, clean sheets.

Hate that the hotel
is empty, though.

Right, take it out of the
winter, put it in summer.

Great.

Fill it up with
stupid, sexy people

and just start killing
their stupid, sexy bodies.

Jack could be the bellhop, OK?

And he's getting
revenge on everyone

because they're not giving
him good enough tips.

A couple of lovers get
naked in the hedge maze, maybe

a Hispanic man or something.

And then you know what?

Who shows up?

Bam, it's Jack slashing them up.

Room service!

Oh my god.

- That's what we have him say.
- It writes itself.

- Yes.
- Great.

That's good, better
than what you have here.

Here's Johnny?

What does that mean?

People love Johnny Carson.

Yeah, Johnny Carson
is a sweet old man.

Don't drag him into your
shitty horror film, please.

It's the emptiness
and evil spirits

in the hotel that
are the elements

that drive Jack insane.

OK, no, you really
sound like a stupid child

when you say things like that.

I don't think you
realize how boring you are.

See, no one is gonna be
scared of a guy just sitting

there staring at nothing.

But within the context
of what's happening--

Hey, you're the filmmaker, OK?

Let's at least
see these spirits.

Guy can't write a book.

We got a couple of fun,
cool spirits, right?

They're funky.

No, not fun, funky spirits.

Right, OK.

So then the spirits come in,
they help him finish the book.

Ghostwriters.
- Oh my god.

There's our

This is why she's where you
are and you look like that.

This movie is already
adapted from a book.

Really?

Because I feel
like all the ideas

that we're giving you are much
better than this caca doo-doo

you wrote down.

Yeah.

I don't think I can
work in this fashion.

Come on, we're
doing you a favor.

This is not good.

OK, the way you have
it ending is he's just

in a black and white photo.

People are in
pictures all the time.

No one's gonna be
scared by that.

Stanley, do not walk out.

Stanley, Stanley,
Stan-- oh, Stanley.

Oh, who cares?
It's just a movie, right?

- It's just a movie.
- It is just a movie.

So it's not gonna make a
big difference in the greater

scheme of things.

Yeah, let's get the next
guy in, Alison, please.

Who was he?

Yes, Sheer, I know.

If we're only having sex
and see each other at night,

we're not dating.

And?

And if we do zero
daytime activities,

like go out to eat or go to
the movies, we're not dating.

And?

And if he makes me take the
subway because he doesn't want

to share a cab with me
when we're gonna go hook up

at his place, we're not dating.

Oh, god.

OK, let's go back to your place.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Wait, no, no, we
can go together.

No, I don't want to
be seen, like, together.

Oh, "we're not together."

You are not my boyfriend!

So you can't call
him your boyfriend.

No, but can I call
him my nighttime friend?

I mean, I guess if you
want to feel better about it.

Well, it doesn't really
make me feel better.

It just makes me
feel less single.

Well, that's not a title.

You can't be less single.

You're either single
or you're not.

What if I started
calling it not quite

single but still available
because I'm single, so hello,

gentlemen?

That's way too
confusing of a thing.

You haven't even shown
me a picture of this guy.

Oh, my bad.

What am I doing?

He's super cute.

Oh, he is cute.

Is it that guy right there?

Yeah, we've been
sexting this whole time.

Nikki, you cannot call
this guy your boyfriend

if you're not even
talking to each other

when you're in the same space.

Why not?

I think he's on a date.

No.

Yeah, OK, all right, OK.

Maybe he's playing hard to get.

Nope, I don't even buy it.

What if I asked for a threesome?

That's still not
a relationship.

I mean, it kind of is.

You've seen "Sister Wives."

They're in a relationship.

I mean, if that's
what you want.

Excuse me.

I would like to have a
threesome with you white people.

Maybe don't--

- Don't call out their race?
- Yeah.

Do you think that's rude?

Yeah, because then
they're thinking about that,

and it's, like, another
thing on top of it.

- OK.
- Just like-- just--

Excuse me.

I want to put my
fingers in your places.

OK.
- That was good.

Oh, yeah, cool.

Ooh.

Ooh, Batman.

The last couple of months
dating you have been wonderful,

Bruce.

I've enjoyed my
time with you, Rose.

But I need you to be honest.

Look, Bruce, are you Batman?

No.

Bruce, come on.

We met because Batman
saved me from the Riddler

and handed me your business
card and said, you're pretty.

You should call my
friend, Bruce Wayne.

Good evening.

Can I get the two of
you anything to drink

while you look at the menu?

I'll have the
Barberesco 2005, please.

Indeed.

And you, sir?

Batwater-- water,
I said water.

Bruce, it's not a big deal.

I'm not interested
in dating Batman.

I'm interested in you.

Well, that's good,
because I'm not Batman.

You want to get that?

I know, I know.

This is rude.

Batman.

I mean Batman, why
are you calling me

on the phone, Batman?

You're with Commissioner Gordon
on the other side of town?

I'll be right there, Jim.

Speaking of Batman, that
was him on the phone,

because I am not him.

Yes, you are,
and no, it wasn't.

That was clearly
Commissioner Gordon.

No.

Batman's real name is Jim.

Jim?

Jim Batman.

Bruce, I don't want to
see you again if you're

gonna keep lying to me.

Rose, I'm not lying.

Your Barbaresca, ma'am.

And sir, your Batwater.

I won't be needing that now.

Have the valet
pull my car around.

Yes, sir.

Which car is yours?

It's the Batmobile.

You even drove
the Batmobile here?

It's a 2009 Batmobile.

I bought it used from
my good friend, Jim--

Jim Batman.
- Fine, Bruce.

You're not Batman.

Just do me a favor and
lose my number, OK?

Well-played, Batman.

Here we go, "Walking
Dead" season eight.

Oh, god, it's been
on for eight seasons?

How can you watch this show?
It's so violent.

Oh, it's not that violent.

Whoa, Maggie just tore
off that zombie's face

with a garden rake.

98% of
this show is just

people standing around talking.

So much talking.

Here we go, Negan and
Rick gonna fight to the--

and they're still talking.

Carl!

No, if you're going
outside of the walls,

cover yourself in zombie guts.

I could totally
write for this show.

Hey, it's the zombie apocalypse,
why don't we go forage for food

in groups of one or two?

I could totally
survive an apocalypse.

No, Enid, you-- friggin'
go for the zombie's head.

I could totally slice up a
bunch of zombies like Michonne.

Stop being Michonne.

Sorry, babe.

I don't know who I want to
die next, Carl or Carl's hat.

Go, Daryl, go.

God, I love Daryl.

Wait a minute.

Yes, I love Dale.

Yes, I love T-Dog.

I love Glen.

Oh, no, they're
gonna kill Daryl.

That ending was insane.

Oh my god, I can't
wait for season nine.

Oh, god, what am I
doing with my life?