All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S04E12.Wait.Sorry.Thats.My.Cup.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

The front desk.

Hi.

I'm in room 514 and
I can't seem to get

my bathtub drain to plug.

Oh, well, did you try the
little metal lever in the tub?

Yes, I did.

And I also tried sticking
a bunch of socks in there

to stop the plug.

And all I got is a
bunch of wet socks.

It didn't work either.

It's an absolutely
unpluggable drain.

An pluggable drain, it
sounds like a children's book.

That's very funny.

Is it?

Yeah, because, actually, I
am a children's book author.

- No way.
- Yes!

What, uh-- what
have you written?

OK, well, the first
was The Unstoppable

Watch, then The Unrideable
Bike, The Untieable Shoe--

I know all of these.

My niece and nephew
just, they won't shut

up about those stupid things.

Aw, well, thank you.

I'm actually working on
the newest in the series.

It's called The Unpettable Cat.

Oh.

And it's about this
cat who cannot be petted.

But there's this little
boy who does pet the cat

and saves the town.

I think you've got a
"New York Times" bestseller

on your hands, there.

Fingers crossed.

Well, I'll give you all
these fingers crossed.

Christopher, you're fun.

You could write a
book about me called

The Undateable Hotel Employee.

Or I could take you upstairs
and we could have sex.

Well, that's-- thats's, ah--
that's not a children's book.

No, that's an adult book.

Yeah.

OK, well, you know, it's
just that, you know, this--

this never happens, you know.

And this is kind of--
you-- you get the job

and you dream of this moment.

And it happens, it's a
little-- little too much.

You're being coy.

I-- I'm not being coy.

You're my little coy
boy, Christopher.

It's like I'm in a pond
with a bunch of big goldfish.

I don't get that.

It's a koi pond.

Oh.

I gotta call
Manny and get, uh--

Yeah, you call Manny.

Maintenance.

- You get him on the phone.
- Uh-huh.

Manny?
- Manny.

- Mhm.
- Hi, yeah.

I need you to go up to 514 and
help a lady unplug her drain.

Or plug it, I don't know.

OK, thank you.

Uh, manny will be
up in just a minute.

Hey,
psst, come here.

I got to tell you something.

I don't
want to come over there.

- You got to.
- I don't want to.

- You have to.
- OK.

- Hey, Christopher.
- What?

You
know who remind me of?

Who?

The
little boy in my book

that was afraid to pet the cat.

Oh, yeah?

But then he did it.

And he was so happy,
because he saved the town.

Huh?

I'll see you in a few minutes.

No, I don't think so.

You're going to pet that
cat and save that down.

Yes you are.

See you.

Uh, a little light, the
light, a little light headed.

OK, gonna put my head
between my knees.

At the front desk.

The front desk.

You goof.

You guys I am so jealous.

You two are going
to Mexico tomorrow.

I mean, Jeff and I have
just been dying to go back.

We had such a great time
when we were there in October.

Oh, my god, Susan,
you guys travel so well.

You're just always
so in the know.

You have to tell us
what your tips are.

Ah, but food
tips first, please.

We have our Frommer's guide

No, George, Julie, I'm
telling you right now.

Throw that book
in the trash can.

There is only one place you
need to go for really good,

authentic, Mexican
cuisine, and that

is a place called Señor Frogs.

Oh, my god, yes.

Señor Frog's!

What's Señor Frogs?

Oh, I can taste
the salsa right now.

Oh, my god, it's this tiny,
hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint.

The name means Mr. Frog's.

And I'm telling you,
it is the real deal.

Chips, guacamole, salsa--

Oh, my god, the salsa.

Ah.

But don't ask them
for the recipe,

because they'll
never give it to you.

No, we tried.

We tried.

It was like, we'd
go in the kitchen.

It's like, get out of
my kitchen, Señora.

Adios.
- I know.

That's goodbye.

It really is, though.

It's all the salsa you can eat.

- All you can eat?
- Yes.

Sign me up.

Ah, George, you fatty.

Oh, but it's the
chips and salsa.

You got to get it.

It's spelled chips y salsa,
however, on the menu.

So keep an eye out for that.

Yeah.

How did you find
somewhere so authentic?

Oh, my god, we
totally lucked out.

Jeff and I were just walking
along this secluded beach

called Sandals Resort.

And suddenly I'm starving.

Starving.

Don't interrupt.

So I'm starving.

I'm like, all I want is
to find a little pueblo

with some authentic, just
honest-to-goodness Mexican

food.

And like an oasis, I'd look
up, and I see Señor Frog's.

And I'm like, why not, right?

And the locals
just welcomed you?

It might as well
have been Cheers,

where everyone knows your name.

That's a townie bar in Boston.

The locals were so welcoming.

And I guess there's a huge kind
of white looking population

in that part of Mexico.

And no one is over
the age of 22.

And it is just so authentic.
- So authentic

Oh, my gosh.

My stomach is growling
just thinking about it.

Ah!

A little guacamole.

Yeah.

A little Margarita.

Maybe-- maybe
they have drinks.

But you don't go
there for the drinks.

You go there for the food--

- and the culture
- Oh, my gosh, yes.

Oh, and the artwork.

There are all these different
representations of this,

you know, Mr. Frog character.

I don't know if it's
native Mayan or Aztec or--

Something.

or whatever, but-- but the
Mexicans definitely worship him

and it's definitely authentic.

Oh, my god, I love
stuff like that.

She does.

Love, love, love, love, love.

You know, we're
not touristy types.

We like real stuff.

You know, we walk by MoMA and
I'm just like, spit on it.

Oh, yes, yes.

We're not either.

But I was like, if we are
going to a different country,

then we are going to
play by their rules.

You had to.

I just wasn't expecting
their rules to be so tasty.

Ah!

More salsa, please.

Oh, my god.

Jeff ate the salsa
with the spoon.

- I did.
- Why?

Yeah, it's hard
not to, though.

It's like you have one bite
of it and it's like, boom,

I'm a Mexican now!

Ole!

Are you really Mexican?

No, I'm half Black and
half Pacific Islander.

So cool.

That's why she's
got such great skin.

God, right.

You look really white, so--

W-- Whitney Cummings.

Sorry to scare you.

Just, I'll let you finish.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Robert--

Rob King.
I'm your biggest fan.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- That's so nice.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Yeah I was--

I just-- I have your--
- Oh, whoa.

- I was reading it.
- Uh-huh.

Can I-- can I ask
you a question-- s?

Sure.

OK.

Oh, those are marked up pages.

Yeah, I was just--
it was just in case.

Has-- has there ever been
a time where you felt

you went too far with a joke?

Yes, a lot of times.

I did a show with
Carmen Electra.

I actually write about
this in the book.

And I wrote a bunch
of jokes about--

that I thought were very funny.

I mean, she did date Dennis
Rodman and Dave Navararo.

Par for the course.

So, um-- and
then I did a couple

with Pam Anderson at a roast
that I think went too far.

So, yeah.

So I do regret those.

I feel like they
were a little mean.

I never want to hurt
someone's feelings.

That's not--
- Yeah.

my intention.

You reveal so
much in your book.

Mhm

Do you ever worry
about people judging you?

You know what, I do.

I do.

And I feel like I've
spent so much time

as a comedian pretending
that doesn't bother me.

But yes, it does.

Do you struggle with that?

It's, um-- not--

I mean I'm fairly--

You seem pretty self-aware.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I mean, I have friends who--

OK.

maybe say to themselves that
things are fine, when they know

deep down that they're not.

So what's your,
uh, dating situation?

- Uh.
- What are we on?

Tinder?

You know, just--

Mhm.

Pew, pew, pew pew.

You shoot women?

No, I regret that.

OK.

Just kind of letting--

Is that a--

chips fall where the may.

Is that a backhanded
masturbation?

No.

No, no, I'm forehand.

No, I--

Where and-- where
do you meet girls?

Uh.

Do you just meet
girls, like, at bars?

Or like on the dark web?

Or?

Yeah, I-- I-- I'm out.
I'm out.

- OK
- Single--

Oh, what's that?

and ready to mingle.

- What's happening?
- Yeah.

I'm just going to tell
you right now, I'd just

take it down a notch wtih that.

Once it's in your
body, though, it's

kind of like, maybe
we'll ride this pony.

No, we won't.

It's making me dizzy
and kind of nauseous.

How would you say
your intimacy game is?

- A-plus.
- Really?

Yes.

OK.

Do you could gently stroke my
face and I'll let you know?

Yeah.

Go for it.

OK.

OK.

OK, OK.

So here's the thing.

I need you to not look
like you're having

an orgasm when you do it.

Let's try it again.

Start up here, a little higher.
- Ah.

Maybe through the hair.

Through the hair.

Yeah, through the hair.

OK.

Down this way.

OK, don't do that.
- No, no, I wasn--

- Don't do that
- Yeah.

- That was better.
- OK.

That was better, right?

Oh, yeah.

OK, so have you
ever kissed a girl?

- Sure.
- Have you?

Yep.

All right, let's
see what you got.

OK, no.
- Yep, too fast.

See, remember-- remember,
that was too fast.

I know.

That felt more
like an attack--

- Don't want to attack you.
- than a kiss.

No.

Like, my brain's,
like, call the police.

So you can't come at
a woman that fast.

- Right.
- Just, like, slower.

- Yeah.
- And check in.

- Yep.
- Check in with me.

Yeah.

It's consensual, is the idea.

That's--

- We both want to do it.
- We do.

You don't really do this
with your conversation.

So I want to make sure you
can do it with your kissing,

so that you don't go to jail.

It's one of the nicest things
anyone's ever done for me.

Mhm.

OK, OK.

So--

Mhm.

Mhm.

Mhm.

Mhm.

Now you have to do something.

Mm.

- Close your eyes!
- Yeah, sure, I know.

No, of course.

I don't want to open my
eyes and see your weird bug

eyes staring at me.

So, so sorry, Um,
so are we dating now?

No.

Are we lovers, now?

No.

OK, you can't do any of that.

Now, put your hand on
the back of my head.

Good, good!

Yeah.

That was awesome.

I wanna throw up.

OK, d-- OK.
- I'm going to throw up.

- Don't-- OK.
- I'm going to throw up.

OK.

Whose office is this?

How was your weekend, man?

Awesome, dude.

I lost $1,200 in online poker.

$1200, that's great.

My girlfriend was so pissed.

Hey, are we starting
the interview now?

Yeah,
yeah, just one second.

These guys over
here really funny.

Girl, girl, you don't
get poker and stuff.

You just don't
understand poker.

Like, 'cause poker-- like,
yeah, because like that's

what you do.
It's like you lose.

You do.
You're like--

Sorry about that.

So, Sarah, why don't you
tell us how you got started?

Oh it's actually not Sarah.

It's N--

From a very early age,
I knew that I was--

going to be a woman, one day.

As with all callings, you don't
choose it, it chooses you.

Being a woman in the
entertainment industry

gives you this really special
opportunity to work with so

many different types of men.

Uh, I mean you do have
to put in your time.

I mean, I did get my foot
in the door as girl intern.

And then I worked my way
up to assistant sweetie.

And then I, like, freelance
little lady-ed a bit.

Sorry, that's my cup.

He-- um-- anyway,
and then I made

my big break as associate
woman, and finally, woman.

This is a coffee.

Yeah, uh, I'm
doing this interview,

right now, so I can't--

Yeah, and I wanted-- a
latte, though, didn't I?

Yeah, but maybe someone
else could help you.

OK.

Thanks, ma'am.

Um, that's when
you know you're good.

The variety keeps
it so exciting.

I get to be a woman,
but I also get to be a--

on-set

babysitter, a therapist--

uh, bartender, janitor, nurse.

I mean, you name it.

That's the first time that
Aaron Sorkin patted my head.

Being a woman is great, for now.

But one day I'd like to
be a female director.

And if we're talking
dream job, director.

My name is Nicole
Dip and I am a woman.

The Past, the Present,
The Future, with Emily Heller.

Hi, I'm celebrity
psychic Emily Heller.

And I'm here with Academy Award
nominee, Haley Joel Osment.

Haley, thank you for being here.

Thank you.

OK, so have you thought about
a question you want to ask?

Yes.

Yeah, um, I'm here
for a specific reason.

I recently inherited some
money from a relative.

And I don't know
whether to donate it,

or is it going to be karmically
OK if I just, you know,

take it?

Keep it, or like, maybe
give it to your psychic, or--

If that's it's
in the cards, sure.

You know, I was in your
situation once before, too.

Oh.

You know, I stood
to inherit some money,

but I had to stay overnight
in a haunted house--

- Wow.
- in order to get it.

Yeah, pretty rough.

There was a lot of--

That's a strange
condition for--

Yeah, I mean a lot
of ghosts, you know.

But I don't have to tell you
about seeing dead people,

right?

Yeah.

You see dead people, right?

- You got me, yeah.
- Yeah.

All right.

If we could avoid that
topic of conversation.

OK.
Um, I'm sorry.

I wasn't paying attention.
What did you not want me to say?

I see dead people.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

OK.
- He said it.

- We'll cut that out, right?
- He said that.

All right.

First card--

The Chariot.

The chariot.

This is a very powerful person.

His workers are kind of
like sitting around Um,

maybe you should fire someone.

Have you thought about that?

No, I mean I don't
really employ anyone.

So you do currently
have representation.

That's not, like, a opening?

- No.
- There's no openings?

OK.

No, there's
absolutely no opening--

- Yeah, all right.
- whatsoever.

Um, could we do like, um--

like, just a clearer answer?

Just like a--
- More--

Let's just do this again.
OK.

First
card-- the chariot.

So, the chariot--

um, OK, yeah, but
react like it's

the first time you've seen it.
- Oh, OK.

Just tell me-- tell
me what you need.

Just react like a human.

The Chariot.

The chariot.

Wow.

But like a human.

The chariot.

The chariot.

OK, that was, like,
a little gross.

You can just relax.

Dude, why-- I--

I-- did want, like,
advice or-- or something.

Well, I tell you what to
do with the money, later.

But, like, for now, let's just,
like, go through the motions

of this, and--
- Turn it over.

You know, I'm trying really
hard to like you, but--

OK.

You know what I
have been craving?

Have-- do you
remember, like, what

were those drinks that we used
to have when we were little?

They were like--
- Capri Sun?

No, it was like
a box, and it was,

like, kind of like, citrusy.

Uh, uh, Hi-C.

Dead people.

Really?

The chariot.

The chariot.

What is this?
- OK, I won't touch--

- Off the table.
- the table.

Do you want--
- You can touch the table.

Just don't, like, grab
an invisible croissant.

OK.

OK.

Um, by the way, when you're
in a Mexican restaurant,

do you like your salsa, like--

how do you like it?

Like mild, medium, spicy?

Spicy.

Spicy dead people.

God damn it.

Yeah, you know, like, I've
been thinking about investing,

too, you know?

But the market right
now, it's been really--

You know, what's the--

Unpredictable.

Yeah, well what's the
word for, like, that,

but, like, it's a shorter word?

I'm sorry, this one was
going to take forever.

It was dicey.

And then I was going
to say dead people.

Great.
You done?

Well, we're out
of time so, like--

No, you didn't-- you
didn't answer my question.

Oh, OK.

Let me show you how it's done.

OK, like, you flip the
card, and I'll be you.

Academy Award nominee--
- You want me to--

- Haley Joel Osment.
- Thank you, thank you.

You want me to flip it?
- Yeah.

Ready?

The chariot.

I see dead people.

Come on.

I need more shifts,
because I am broke.

I'll see what I can do.

You know we work
together, right?

You're not my boss.

Uh, seniority, Connor.

Why do you think I make
more money than you?

Do you make more
money than me?

I should.

Ugh.

How many Starbursts
have you eaten?

Over 10.

That guy means business.

Stop saying that every
time someone comes in here.

Dammit!

Sir?

No fucking way.

Uh, is there
anything in particular

that you're looking for, sir?

Mm.

No, you can't take
that in the stall.

What the hell is
he doing in there?

He's probably
keeping his junk fresh.

With hairspray?

.

Still too big.

Need something smaller.

Ha-ha.

Sir, ca-- can we help you?

You fellas ever
taken a dick pic?

You mean, like, tonight?

Any time.

I met a woman.

She gave me her number.

But she's out there, right
now, talking to other guys.

I got to do this now.

Y-- you just met a
girl here, tonight,

and you want to
send her a picture

of your penis right now?

Yeah.

I want to show her what
could be in her, tonight,

right now, right now.

Sir, might I recommend the
table next to the DJ booth.

You go underneath.

The subwoofers are there.

It's a great place to give--
- No.

- or receive.
- Stop it.

Stop.

Uh, you know, I think
this is a bad idea, sir.

Why not buy her a drink?

Tell her she's pretty.
- Shut up.

He doesn't know what
he's talking about.

Sir, you're
following your heart,

and that's what it's all about.

Not enough guys do
that these days.

See, the problem is scale.

Mmm.

Uh-huh.

All the jars and cans you
guys have here are humongous.

Yeah, this can is clearly
bigger than a penis.

Why would you take
it in there with you?

Well, you can't really tell
until they're side by side.

This can is huge.

Yeah, and my
is fantastic,

but not that fantastic.

Why don't you
just use your hand?

Huge hands, see?

Oh, my god.

I'd get lost in those hands.

Right?

Sir, what you need to find
yourself is a small hand.

The night is still young
and your hands are so big.

No-- no time for that.

I got to hit her
with this pic now.

Who knows how many other
guys she gave her number to?

They could all be sending her
dick pics at this very moment.

Yeah, that's not happening.

Show me your hands.

Check it out.

Let me hold your dick.

No, still not small enough.

Dammit!

You?

Sir, I'm not going
to hold your dick

I'm going to hold your dick.

OK.

Oh, yeah, I look massive.

All right.

Wow, that-- you
sh-- that is disgusting.

You should really
get that looked.

I am right now.

I am not a doctor.

Then why are
you dressed like one?

Hey, dude.

I need you to help
me take a dick pic.

Yes!

And on the last
day, Claire and I

did the most romantic thing.

We rode on the
backs of two zebras,

right into the African sunset.

OK, you and Claire
did not ride zebras.

Yes, we did.

We wrote zebras.

They're just like horses
except they have stripes.

You would be dead right now.

You can't ride zebras.

Yes, you can.

No, you can't.

You can and I did.

You can't ride
zebras like they're horses.

You can't ride zebras
because they're wild animals.

No, no, no, no.

Zebras are smaller than horses.

So the weight of a human
would snap their backs.

Also, zebras are
super aggressive.

They kick lions in the
face and it kills them.

Zebras, there not
at all like horses.

Zebras, won't see
no zebra rodeo.

Zebras, bras they're
not your friend.

And it's dangerous,
because you can

only see half them at night.

That's why you can't ride
zebras like they're horses.

You can't ride zebras,
because they're wild animals.

Would you believe
that I saw a zebra?

Hi, there.

Welcome to RVC Candle Hour.

Now, we are so
excited to be unveiling

a new line of Thanksgiving
scents for all of you to enjoy.

This sweet cranberry sauce
candle will sure make your home

smell like a sweet treat.

Mmm.

And introducing, for
the very first time,

our Georgia Candle fan bag.

Dozens of our loyal
customers wrote us to tell us

about their favorite
seasonal scents

and we're just so excited
to tell you about them.

Our first one
comes from Chris,

in Poughkeepsie, New York.

Chris's scent suggestion is
Uncle Rick Crapped His Pants

and Passed Out on the Floor From
Drinking Too Much Wine Product.

I can just smell
that hefty dook

seeping through his
pleated khakis, right now.

Our next one comes from Brad.

Brad suggested the seasonal
scent of Aunt Dianne

Won't Stop Talking About
the Neighbors' Loud Sex

and How She's Jealous.

You know what, Brad?

That is a smell that
reminds me of the holidays.

Yeah, Brad.

What other candles do we have?

Imminent Divorce-- it's
that smell you could see

coming since the wedding day.

No one said anything.

The Kid Clearly Isn't
Mine, but I'm going to take

care of him as if he's my own.

Table Anal--
The Smell of Doing

It in the Butt on a Table.

That's both festive
and a workout

It is.

Yeah.

Sandra, from Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania,

wrote in the scent suggestion
Hot Turkey with Stuffing.

Oh, ho, ho,
Sandra, I love that.

Now that's a scent
I can get behind.

You go, Sandra.

Wait on the back,
it says, to clarify,

it's hot turkey
stuffed with regret.

Sandra, is that you baby?

If so, just call in right now
and order, uh, Product 2 2 2--

Product 2299.

You all right, man?

Yeah.

You want to take a five?

Yeah, can we take a fivey?