All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S04E11.This.Isnt.Hitting.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track4_[eng]

[logo sound]

[music playing]

Sorry.

What is your name again?

Shelly Plaintree.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Pleasure.

Can I interest
you in some jerky?

Thank you.

Help yourself.

It's good.

Mmmhmm.

Perfectly seasoned,
and taste that?

Cumin.

You look very,
very familiar to me.

Yeah?

Yeah, where might
I know you from?

Maybe you know
me from my Sunday

advice column in "The
Gunnison County Gazette."

No.

Put my photo up there next
to the column like this.

No, definitely not it.

I get all the Sunday advice I
can handle up here right now.

I bet you do.

From the Lord?
Yep.

Exactly.

That's right.

Oh, you know what it
probably is for sure then

is that I'm the hunter
that shot Bambi's mom.

[bleep] you.

Sorry?

You did that, you--

you shot Bambi's mom?

Yes, sir.

I did.

I shot her right
in her face there,

right in the middle
of her face just once,

two times then in
the-- in the neck,

and then I just shot her in
the back a few times for fun.

Went up to her lifeless
body as it was bleeding out

and she was moaning in
pain, took the knife--

[zip]---- and got her whole
back skin off in one.

It was like [zip].

Came right off
like a weird sock.

Hacked off one of
her back legs just

for sport right at the bone just
to see if I could and I can't.

And I got her mounted right
up above my television set.

She looks awfully
proper up there.

Mounted like a queen.

This is venison jerky?

That would be venison, yeah.

That would be the
last of her I think.

I reckon that's her buttock.

[retching]

Oh dear.

My handkerchief.

Pete?

Get your blood
hanky out of my face.

What's wrong with you?

Now, look, how was
I supposed to know

that old doe had a family?

You ask her.

Damn it, you ask the deer
if it's got a family.

Now I can tell that you're
in a great deal of pain

right now and I can
appreciate that,

but, Peter, I just wanna--

just in the way of
perspective, deer,

they die every day
and that is what

Sir Elton John so
eloquently refers

to as the circle of life.

It's not just
about your venicide.

It's also about the 700
or so million kids--

That's a lot of kids.

That you may cry over it.

Apparently, it
wasn't just the kids

who were crying about that.

No, it wasn't.

I will not apologize
for having emotions.

That's fair.

You know what else I won't do?

Hmm.

I'm not going to let
a murderer in to heaven.

Murderer?

I'll have you know that
it was a completely

aboveboard, true
blue, by the book,

Honest Abe, permitted killing.

Permitted by who?

Mussolini?

No, sir.

It was the mayor of
my township here,

and I got the proof right here.

Here is my hunting license
from Gunnison County

in the spring of 1942, which is
where and when I shot that doe.

That is not for eating, sir.

Seems to be a problem
with your paperwork.

Where I come from
that's a fighting finger.

What's this?

What-- OK-- have a good day.

NARRATOR: Few shows have
captured television enthusiasts

hearts like "Game of Thrones."

I've never not live
tweeted an episode of GOT.

NARRATOR: And
nowhere can one find

more fanatic
devotees than at Park

Stone Apartments, number 201.

But tonight--

My mom really liked Steve.

NARRATOR: Their
normal viewing party--

This is my livelihood.

NARRATOR: Indeed, that
very way of life--

You just got a hit.

NARRATOR: Will be threatened.

Shit.

NARRATOR: And the
clock is ticking.

I can't remember the password.

[SINGING] Everyone
can see you.

Everyone can hear you
through the thin white walls.

[ticking]

NARRATOR: After
five wasted minutes,

it becomes increasingly
clear that Andrew has

no idea what his password is.

Goddamn it.

I mean, it's my
freaking account.

Maybe you guys could,
like, pitch in.

Maybe I would remember.

Maybe-- what, $1.50 each?

Way more than that.

NARRATOR: A plan to request
a password reset is agreed

upon unanimously,
but what seemed

an easy solution is transformed
into yet another hurdle.

Tensions are rising.

OK, so now Andrew says
that he doesn't even

recognize the email
address on his account.

This is why I have trust issues.

NARRATOR: A decision is made.

Andrew will request a password
reset immediately followed

by simultaneous
social media posts

asking if anyone in
the friend circle

just got a weird
password reset email.

The multi-layered plan has
promise, but will it work?

For now, all they
can do is wait.

My parents and I talk
only one time a week.

I've never not live-tweeted
an episode of GOT.

The other guys, they
can wait 'til tomorrow,

right, 'cause they can
just avoid social media.

If I don't watch
this episode, my mom

is gonna ask me about Steve.

But here's the thing, I
can't avoid social media

because I work in social media.

And then I'm
gonna have to tell

her that me and Steve broke up.

What happens if my followers
start to get mad because I'm

not tweeting and they block me.

My mom really liked Steve.

This is my livelihood.

[crying]

[ticking]

[music playing]

CALL CENTER: Thank
you for holding.

May I please have
your customer number.

Oh, shit, we got in.

Yes, it's 1-1--

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hey, hang up.

- What?
- Hang up.

- I just got somebody.
- Yeah, I don't care.

Listen to me.
You just got a hit, all right.

Somebody said they can help
us, some guy named Zeke.

Zeke?

Yeah, who's Zeke?

NARRATOR: Ezekiel
"Zeke" Androski,

Andrew's former college
roommate has not

contacted Andrew since
the so-called pube salad

incident of 2005.

Andrew has reason
to be suspicious.

CALL CENTER: Hello, sir.

Please answer it.

CALL CENTER: Hello, sir.

Are you still there?
- No, yes, yes.

Hello, I'm still here.
- Oh my God, pick up, pick up.

Pick up the phone for Zeke.

I need you to pick up
the phone for Zeke.

You don't know what
this guy did to me.

Just answer the goddamn phone.

Are you kidding me right now?

Hi, Zeke.

[farting]

[ticking]

[farting]

[ticking]

Wait, what if we just
sign up for a new account?

NARRATOR: Liz's idea
to open a new account

seems like a winning
strategy until--

It needs a credit card.

So just put it in.

It's a free month subscription.

You're not gonna get charged.

But I did leave my card
at Joan's bar last week.

Mine's at rustic.

Yeah, I left
mine at Jay's bar.

OK .
Here we go.

[ticking]

For the love of
God, hurry up--

Ugh!

Make sure it's a
password you remember.

NARRATOR: Liz's
card is declined.

What if we're
missing Jamie penis?

Hey, can't we just pirate it?

Yes.

Yes.

Here it comes.

[groaning]

Oh, it's just women's tennis.

NARRATOR: The roommates
hope for tales of the realm

has been replaced with the
hollow sounds of balls on clay.

Smoky.

[bleep] Sweet,
the French Open.

[groaning]

[static]

[music playing]

So she knew that
they knew she knew,

but they didn't know she
knew they knew she knew.

"Friends" sounds confusing.

It often was.

I can't believe this
is your last dog walk.

I know, you know.

It seems fitting here because
I grew up in this neighborhood

with my mom.
Never met my--

Dad.

John.

What are you-- what
are you doing here?

I'm walking a client.

This is Angela Basset Hound.

What are you doing here?

I'm actually--

Mom?

Steve!

What-- what are you doing here?

Nobody told me to bring
your parent to work day.

[laughing]

Wait, what are
you guys doing here?

OK.

OK.

Steve, meet my son, Steve.

He's named after his father.

[music playing]

What is-- is he--

Yes!

What-- why didn't you tell
me after all these years?

Well, you were never there.

Wha-- honey, I'm here now.

[chuckling]

What are you
guys talking about?

Dad, aren't you
going to introduce me?

Oh, yeah.

Marie--

Yeah.

This is my son John.

So that means
Steve and him are--

Co-workers--

And best friends.

Oh, come here.

Ooh.

Wow, Steve, your mom's hugs
are tighter than yours.

Wait, this still
doesn't explain

how you two know each other.

Marie, tell him.

I can't.

I mean, I would if I
could, but I can't.

Believe me, if I
could I would do it.

I would, but I can't.

And you have to respect
the fact that I won't.

Sometimes it's not
about coulds or woulds

or can'ts or even won'ts.

How am I supposed to be
with the woman who won't

even tell her son about his--

Don't say it.

OK, you know what, you
guys seem really confused

about something, so how about if
we just let you sort this out,

we walk our dog,
and you can figure

out what you're talking about.

Yeah, we've hardly
walked Angela Basset Hound.

I mean, we could
get fired over this.

Diane's always watching.

Keep it moving, boys.

Oh, shit.

Hello.

Steve, maybe you can come
around for dinner sometime

and we could toss
around the old football

or even the new football.

That's a great idea.

That is really nice, but
after I walk this dog and John,

I'm probably never going
to see them again, forever.

I'm sure you'll do great though.

But we're gonna go.

Come on, John, Angela.

Parents, could they
be any more annoying?

Phoebe!

No, Chandler.

[static]

I'm on the phone, and
I'm like, all right,

you want to hear
all the details?

All right, I had sex with Larry.

Talk to you later, mom.

Anyway we're going to
keep the laughs going.

Thank you guys for coming out.

This has been the
best open mic so far.

Let's give it up, warm
welcome to Jeff Susan.

[music playing]
[applause]

Hey, hey, hey.

Hi, everybody.

What's up?

It's actually a Jeff and Susan.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Jeff King.

And I'm Susan Wynn
Davis, Jeff's girlfriend.

And we are a couple who--

Well, we like to do
everything together

including stand up comedy.

We are a couple who are going
to tell you a couple of jokes.

Oh my God, that's so funny.

I'm putting that in the book.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, no, that's
already in there.

Let's start.
- We'll just start.

I love you.

All right.

OK, so we moved recently, and
we had to take a bunch of stuff

to the dump.

But you can't just
take a bunch of stuff

to the dump in our town.

You need a dump sticker.

So you need a sticker, which
is trash to throw out trash.

This isn't hitting.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know.

The vibe is weird in
here or something.

Maybe they all
work for the dump.

You tell your manicure one.

No, I wanna do
one with both of us.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, what.

Do you not wanna do it together?
- No, I do.

Of course, I do.

Oh my God, you're my fire.

You're my soul.

Would you--

What should we do?

Let me think.

Um--

[moaning]

Oh, Macbook charger.

Oh, yes.
Do it.

But you're not in
the first part then.

You wanna switch off words?

OK.

OK, I'll go.

I'll go first.

I'll go.

You-- [inaudible] All right.

I'm something-- so--

- We--
- Have--

A--

MacBook--

Maybe we should
just skip to the end.

- You sure you wanna say it?
- No, no--

- Do you wanna say it?
- You wanna say it.

You were the one who
wanted to take classes.

It's like yada, yada, yada
the gist is like genius bar.

If I wanted to go
to a genius bar,

I want an Albert Einstein back
there making me a mai tai.

Oh, babe, oh my
God, that was so good.

Jeff, oh my God, hey.

Yeah.

You usually say Tom Collins.

Where did mai tai
even come from?

I don't know.

I was just, like, was
feeling the room or whatever.

It was like reading the room.

That's what they say.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

I want you to kill, too.

Tell your manicure joke.

I just wanna watch?
Just wanna watch.

I know it's just you.

I just wanna watch.

OK, I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Oh.

So, ladies, back me up here,
you know that nail polish

remover smell
that's like, uh oh,

somebody's removing nail polish?

[laughing]

Sorry, I know what--

I know what part's coming next.

It's good.

So at my salon, the Asians--

oh.

Oh, I'm getting the light.

Yes, you are, my lady in red.

Why they never red--

My beautiful lady in red.

Oh.

Oh, did we mention that
we're a couple in real life?

Yes, several times.

Give it up please for Janet
Disco coming up to the stage.

[static]

[splashing]

KIDS: Yay!

Hello and welcome to
level one swimming lesson.

- What's with the potato?
- Can we eat it?

I don't do carbs.

It looks like a tumor.

This is a hot potato.

We're gonna pass it around
and use it as a tool

to get to know each other.

I'll go first.

My name is Robert, but
you can call me Mr. James.

I was recently
fired from my job.

My wife is divorcing me.

I'm living in my
parents' basement,

and I'm an inch away
from rock bottom.

Hot potato.

It's lukewarm at best, Bob.

Mr. James.

My name's Chadwick
Elvis Mitchell III,

but everyone calls me Vincent.

- Why?
- Kids are cruel, Bob.

Don't interrupt.

OK.

My father's a surgeon,
my mother takes pills,

and I came here to
conquer my fear of water

before I conquered the
world of private equity.

Side note, I'm hotter
than all of you,

room temperature potato.

- My name's Dear Baby Jesus.
- Come again.

Dear Baby Jesus.
It's from the Bible.

Yeah.

Got that.

I have two moms named
Barbara who are extremely

religious and extremely gay.

I have absolutely
no boundaries, I'm

on five different
medications, and I

came here to walk on water.

Jesus potato.

The name's Bruce Manilow,
but people call me BM.

Nope, you're Bruce.

I'm here because
my parents are

worried I'll drown
in the bathtub,

and they have every
right still be.

The only thing I like
more than food is people,

so if you ever need
a good squeeze,

I'm your guy because I
was blessed with the body

of a king-size mattress.

Sorry, potato.

Where'd the girl
from "The Ring" go?

My name is Bloody Mary.

Oh, come on.

I came from the dark
mountains of Nova Scotia.

My parents are night hunters.

I'm here because
Damian told me to be.

Who's Damian?

The voice in my head.

Of course.

I also skin rabbits for fun.

Is anyone else
getting reception?

I've got zero bars.

I recently
learned the hard way

that it's better to be honest at
the beginning of a relationship

instead of letting things
fester, so I'm gonna speak

to all of you like adults now
because you deserve to know

exactly what I think about you.

Vincent--
- Yes.

You're kind of a douche.

How dare you.

You need to change
your attitude fast,

or you're gonna get eaten
alive in high school.

Mother.

You know that's
a toy phone, right?

That lying pill popping skank.

- Dear Baby Jesus--
- Hallelujah.

You're a miniature
train wreck,

you'll never walk on water,
and God might not exist.

Blasphemer.

You need to get
some boundaries soon

because right now your
future screams teen mom.

I love that show.

Bruce, you're a sweet kid,
but you're tough to look at.

Oh, truth bombs.
Love it.

You need to lose some weight,
or you're gonna have a heart

attack before you're 10.

Four out of four
doctors agree with you.

Bloody Mary,
you're terrifying,

and you weird everyone out.

I get that a lot.

Need to get out of
your head, or you're

gonna to wind up in an asylum.

My cats says the same thing.

And I need to stop looking at
my life like I'm at a dead end

and treat this job
like a new beginning--

You sad bastard.

An opportunity to teach
you kids not only the lessons

of swimming but also the
lessons of life in the hopes

that none of you grow
up to be a fat, train

wreck, asshole, weirdo like me.

Way to tie it
all in, Mr. James.

What do you say, guys?
Are you with me?

I'd like to see
something in writing first.

Pray for us, baby Jesus.

1,000%.

Shall we make it a blood pact?

I'll take that as a yes.

[static]

Dumb.

Hate you.

What?

I don't even know what this is.

Don't know who bought you.

Makes my arms look stupid.

[music playing]

What is-- never even
knew that was in there.

Abby, are you OK?

No, I'm not OK.

It's an emergency.

Yeah.

That's what you
said in your page.

By the way, pagers still?

I like things
with clips built in.

OK, it's fine.

I'm here now.
What's wrong?

What can I do?

I don't know
what pants to pack.

I don't know what pants--

That's not an emergency, Abby.

I was at my great
grandfather's deathbed.

Great, he died.

Listen, I'm really
sorry about your dad--

- No.
- Your dog?

No.

Your dlag.

That was just a noise.

Let's pray together.

[SINGING] Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound.

Can I go now?

My great grandfather's dead.

He is?

Had I known, I would have
given you the night off.

OK, listen, I know this is
technically my first week,

but I just don't think
this is working out.

Oh.

All right.

[music playing]

Come on, let's see
what we've packed so far.

OK.

We've got a moon boot,
OK, an empty candle,

a banana peel, two
doll heads, and this

is bunch of loose lotion.

Well, they can't
tell how many ounces

it is if it's all spread out.

It's actually not bad logic.

Thank you.

Hey, you can't just
throw to first things

you pick up into your suitcase.

You need to make a list.

I did.

Oh, the candle was
burning when I started.

All right, where
are you going?

Well, first I'm
going to the Arctic,

then I'm going to St. Barts.

That's a weird trip.

I couldn't decide if I
want it to be cold or warm.

OK, well, do you have any of
those pants where, you know,

you can zip the bottoms off?

That'd be good for both.

You're such a genius.

This is why I hired you.

And, no, I don't have them,
and I don't want them.

Aren't these them?

Give me those.

Those were a gift.

And are these Tevas?

Why do you have these?

Oh, you're dumb as a rock.

All right, I'm not here for
you to hurl dated insults at.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

Let's kiss on the mouth.

No.

I was joking.

I'm just torn.

OK, I don't have room for both.

Also I need a new suitcase
because of the candle.

The candle, I know.

Sometimes it's a burden,
you know, having all

these clothes to choose from.

Yeah, I wouldn't know.

I own like 10 t-shirts
and a pair of jeans.

Wanna take some clothes?

Really?

Yeah.

Totally.

Just find something you like.

How about this?

- Oh, not that.
- These?

Uh uh.

The skirt?

- , No that's mine.
- This?

- Anything but that.
- This?

Need it.

I wasn't even
holding anything.

Fine.

You can have it.

God, I hope your great
grandfather dies.

He did.

Oh my God, when?

[static]

NARRATOR: It was November
29, 2001, when I got the call

that would change my life.

Yeah.

CALLER: Hey, it's
Eddie from the TSA.

You start on Monday.

[music playing]

NARRATOR: It was
a glorious time.

Wise guys ran the place.

You got the uniform, the
badge, maybe not the prestige,

but there were other
forms of compensation.

What are you doing?

It's just cologne.

It's not dangerous.

Shhh.

Welcome to the TSA, kid.

[music playing]

NARRATOR: Cigarette
lighters, soda, we had

everything a guy could want.

Of course, we weren't
supposed to keep anything,

but when you're flashing
that many unsealed

water bottles in the face
of a 25-year-old, what

do you expect?

9/11 may have been a
tragedy for the nation,

but it was my ticket
to the big time.

Take anything you
want, anything--

big scissors, hairspray.

All these lotions,
they're over 3.4 ounces.

Here, come on, take
some toothpaste.

So this is where
you guys hang out?

Yeah.

Yeah, Frankie, here, he's
really into mouthwash.

Sal never stopped
shaving, and Loretta she

loves her jumbo tubs of jelly.

Where'd you get
all this, Henry?

Huh?

These is expensive.

It's nothing.

Don't worry about it, OK.

You know, TSA
agents ain't supposed

to keep confiscated items.

NARRATOR: Yeah, and politicians
aren't supposed to lie.

Those were the best
years of my life,

but it wasn't long until
things started to go south.

[knocking]

Open this door.

Oh, hey, Eddie.

Jesus Christ, what the
hell happened to you.

Oh, it's nothing.

I just got the flu.

Holy shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Henry, you're brushing
your teeth 12 times a day.

You're covered in hairspray.

Yeah.

My body's covered in hair.

You're out of control, Henry.

Come on, give me
the big scissors.

I wanna make snowflakes.

Give me the big
scissors, Henry.

I wanna make snowflakes.

- Give me those scissors.
- What are doing, Eddie?

You're out of control.

What are you doing, Eddie?

No more cutting--

[groaning]

Oh, shit.

Ahh, Eddie.

NARRATOR: It was the
beginning of the end for me,

but it wasn't long until the
whole racket was shut down.

By 2025, the TSA's liquid
ban was finally lifted,

and the gravy train crashed
like an out of control train

filled with too much gravy.

The hardest part now is
that things are different.

I've got a buy aerosol based
sunscreen like everybody else,

live the rest of my life
like an average schnook.

[music playing]