Original subtitles

[logo sound]

[music playing]

Sorry.

What is your name again?

Shelly Plaintree.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Pleasure.

Can I interest you in some jerky?

Thank you.

Help yourself.

It's good.

Mmmhmm.

Perfectly seasoned, and taste that?

Cumin.

You look very, very familiar to me.

Yeah?

Yeah, where might I know you from?

Maybe you know me from my Sunday

advice column in "The Gunnison County Gazette."

No.

Put my photo up there next to the column like this.

No, definitely not it.

I get all the Sunday advice I can handle up here right now.

I bet you do.

From the Lord? Yep.

Exactly.

That's right.

Oh, you know what it probably is for sure then

is that I'm the hunter that shot Bambi's mom.

[bleep] you.

Sorry?

You did that, you--

you shot Bambi's mom?

Yes, sir.

I did.

I shot her right in her face there,

right in the middle of her face just once,

two times then in the-- in the neck,

and then I just shot her in the back a few times for fun.

Went up to her lifeless body as it was bleeding out

and she was moaning in pain, took the knife--

[zip]---- and got her whole back skin off in one.

It was like [zip].

Came right off like a weird sock.

Hacked off one of her back legs just

for sport right at the bone just to see if I could and I can't.

And I got her mounted right up above my television set.

She looks awfully proper up there.

Mounted like a queen.

This is venison jerky?

That would be venison, yeah.

That would be the last of her I think.

I reckon that's her buttock.

[retching]

Oh dear.

My handkerchief.

Pete?

Get your blood hanky out of my face.

What's wrong with you?

Now, look, how was I supposed to know

that old doe had a family?

You ask her.

Damn it, you ask the deer if it's got a family.

Now I can tell that you're in a great deal of pain

right now and I can appreciate that,

but, Peter, I just wanna--

just in the way of perspective, deer,

they die every day and that is what

Sir Elton John so eloquently refers

to as the circle of life.

It's not just about your venicide.

It's also about the 700 or so million kids--

That's a lot of kids.

That you may cry over it.

Apparently, it wasn't just the kids

who were crying about that.

No, it wasn't.

I will not apologize for having emotions.

That's fair.

You know what else I won't do?

Hmm.

I'm not going to let a murderer in to heaven.

Murderer?

I'll have you know that it was a completely

aboveboard, true blue, by the book,

Honest Abe, permitted killing.

Permitted by who?

Mussolini?

No, sir.

It was the mayor of my township here,

and I got the proof right here.

Here is my hunting license from Gunnison County

in the spring of 1942, which is where and when I shot that doe.

That is not for eating, sir.

Seems to be a problem with your paperwork.

Where I come from that's a fighting finger.

What's this?

What-- OK-- have a good day.

NARRATOR: Few shows have captured television enthusiasts

hearts like "Game of Thrones."

I've never not live tweeted an episode of GOT.

NARRATOR: And nowhere can one find

more fanatic devotees than at Park

Stone Apartments, number 201.

But tonight--

My mom really liked Steve.

NARRATOR: Their normal viewing party--

This is my livelihood.

NARRATOR: Indeed, that very way of life--

You just got a hit.

NARRATOR: Will be threatened.

Shit.

NARRATOR: And the clock is ticking.

I can't remember the password.

[SINGING] Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear you through the thin white walls.

[ticking]

NARRATOR: After five wasted minutes,

it becomes increasingly clear that Andrew has

no idea what his password is.

Goddamn it.

I mean, it's my freaking account.

Maybe you guys could, like, pitch in.

Maybe I would remember.

Maybe-- what, $1.50 each?

Way more than that.

NARRATOR: A plan to request a password reset is agreed

upon unanimously, but what seemed

an easy solution is transformed into yet another hurdle.

Tensions are rising.

OK, so now Andrew says that he doesn't even

recognize the email address on his account.

This is why I have trust issues.

NARRATOR: A decision is made.

Andrew will request a password reset immediately followed

by simultaneous social media posts

asking if anyone in the friend circle

just got a weird password reset email.

The multi-layered plan has promise, but will it work?

For now, all they can do is wait.

My parents and I talk only one time a week.

I've never not live-tweeted an episode of GOT.

The other guys, they can wait 'til tomorrow,

right, 'cause they can just avoid social media.

If I don't watch this episode, my mom

is gonna ask me about Steve.

But here's the thing, I can't avoid social media

because I work in social media.

And then I'm gonna have to tell

her that me and Steve broke up.

What happens if my followers start to get mad because I'm

not tweeting and they block me.

My mom really liked Steve.

This is my livelihood.

[crying]

[ticking]

[music playing]

CALL CENTER: Thank you for holding.

May I please have your customer number.

Oh, shit, we got in.

Yes, it's 1-1--

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Hey, hang up.

- What? - Hang up.

- I just got somebody. - Yeah, I don't care.

Listen to me. You just got a hit, all right.

Somebody said they can help us, some guy named Zeke.

Zeke?

Yeah, who's Zeke?

NARRATOR: Ezekiel "Zeke" Androski,

Andrew's former college roommate has not

contacted Andrew since the so-called pube salad

incident of 2005.

Andrew has reason to be suspicious.

CALL CENTER: Hello, sir.

Please answer it.

CALL CENTER: Hello, sir.

Are you still there? - No, yes, yes.

Hello, I'm still here. - Oh my God, pick up, pick up.

Pick up the phone for Zeke.

I need you to pick up the phone for Zeke.

You don't know what this guy did to me.

Just answer the goddamn phone.

Are you kidding me right now?

Hi, Zeke.

[farting]

[ticking]

[farting]

[ticking]

Wait, what if we just sign up for a new account?

NARRATOR: Liz's idea to open a new account

seems like a winning strategy until--

It needs a credit card.

So just put it in.

It's a free month subscription.

You're not gonna get charged.

But I did leave my card at Joan's bar last week.

Mine's at rustic.

Yeah, I left mine at Jay's bar.

OK . Here we go.

[ticking]

For the love of God, hurry up--

Ugh!

Make sure it's a password you remember.

NARRATOR: Liz's card is declined.

What if we're missing Jamie penis?

Hey, can't we just pirate it?

Yes.

Yes.

Here it comes.

[groaning]

Oh, it's just women's tennis.

NARRATOR: The roommates hope for tales of the realm

has been replaced with the hollow sounds of balls on clay.

Smoky.

[bleep] Sweet, the French Open.

[groaning]

[static]

[music playing]

So she knew that they knew she knew,

but they didn't know she knew they knew she knew.

"Friends" sounds confusing.

It often was.

I can't believe this is your last dog walk.

I know, you know.

It seems fitting here because I grew up in this neighborhood

with my mom. Never met my--

Dad.

John.

What are you-- what are you doing here?

I'm walking a client.

This is Angela Basset Hound.

What are you doing here?

I'm actually--

Mom?

Steve!

What-- what are you doing here?

Nobody told me to bring your parent to work day.

[laughing]

Wait, what are you guys doing here?

OK.

OK.

Steve, meet my son, Steve.

He's named after his father.

[music playing]

What is-- is he--

Yes!

What-- why didn't you tell me after all these years?

Well, you were never there.

Wha-- honey, I'm here now.

[chuckling]

What are you guys talking about?

Dad, aren't you going to introduce me?

Oh, yeah.

Marie--

Yeah.

This is my son John.

So that means Steve and him are--

Co-workers--

And best friends.

Oh, come here.

Ooh.

Wow, Steve, your mom's hugs are tighter than yours.

Wait, this still doesn't explain

how you two know each other.

Marie, tell him.

I can't.

I mean, I would if I could, but I can't.

Believe me, if I could I would do it.

I would, but I can't.

And you have to respect the fact that I won't.

Sometimes it's not about coulds or woulds

or can'ts or even won'ts.

How am I supposed to be with the woman who won't

even tell her son about his--

Don't say it.

OK, you know what, you guys seem really confused

about something, so how about if we just let you sort this out,

we walk our dog, and you can figure

out what you're talking about.

Yeah, we've hardly walked Angela Basset Hound.

I mean, we could get fired over this.

Diane's always watching.

Keep it moving, boys.

Oh, shit.

Hello.

Steve, maybe you can come around for dinner sometime

and we could toss around the old football

or even the new football.

That's a great idea.

That is really nice, but after I walk this dog and John,

I'm probably never going to see them again, forever.

I'm sure you'll do great though.

But we're gonna go.

Come on, John, Angela.

Parents, could they be any more annoying?

Phoebe!

No, Chandler.

[static]

I'm on the phone, and I'm like, all right,

you want to hear all the details?

All right, I had sex with Larry.

Talk to you later, mom.

Anyway we're going to keep the laughs going.

Thank you guys for coming out.

This has been the best open mic so far.

Let's give it up, warm welcome to Jeff Susan.

[music playing] [applause]

Hey, hey, hey.

Hi, everybody.

What's up?

It's actually a Jeff and Susan.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Jeff King.

And I'm Susan Wynn Davis, Jeff's girlfriend.

And we are a couple who--

Well, we like to do everything together

including stand up comedy.

We are a couple who are going to tell you a couple of jokes.

Oh my God, that's so funny.

I'm putting that in the book.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, no, that's already in there.

Let's start. - We'll just start.

I love you.

All right.

OK, so we moved recently, and we had to take a bunch of stuff

to the dump.

But you can't just take a bunch of stuff

to the dump in our town.

You need a dump sticker.

So you need a sticker, which is trash to throw out trash.

This isn't hitting.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know.

The vibe is weird in here or something.

Maybe they all work for the dump.

You tell your manicure one.

No, I wanna do one with both of us.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, what.

Do you not wanna do it together? - No, I do.

Of course, I do.

Oh my God, you're my fire.

You're my soul.

Would you--

What should we do?

Let me think.

Um--

[moaning]

Oh, Macbook charger.

Oh, yes. Do it.

But you're not in the first part then.

You wanna switch off words?

OK.

OK, I'll go.

I'll go first.

I'll go.

You-- [inaudible] All right.

I'm something-- so--

- We-- - Have--

A--

MacBook--

Maybe we should just skip to the end.

- You sure you wanna say it? - No, no--

- Do you wanna say it? - You wanna say it.

You were the one who wanted to take classes.

It's like yada, yada, yada the gist is like genius bar.

If I wanted to go to a genius bar,

I want an Albert Einstein back there making me a mai tai.

Oh, babe, oh my God, that was so good.

Jeff, oh my God, hey.

Yeah.

You usually say Tom Collins.

Where did mai tai even come from?

I don't know.

I was just, like, was feeling the room or whatever.

It was like reading the room.

That's what they say.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

I want you to kill, too.

Tell your manicure joke.

I just wanna watch? Just wanna watch.

I know it's just you.

I just wanna watch.

OK, I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Oh.

So, ladies, back me up here, you know that nail polish

remover smell that's like, uh oh,

somebody's removing nail polish?

[laughing]

Sorry, I know what--

I know what part's coming next.

It's good.

So at my salon, the Asians--

oh.

Oh, I'm getting the light.

Yes, you are, my lady in red.

Why they never red--

My beautiful lady in red.

Oh.

Oh, did we mention that we're a couple in real life?

Yes, several times.

Give it up please for Janet Disco coming up to the stage.

[static]

[splashing]

KIDS: Yay!

Hello and welcome to level one swimming lesson.

- What's with the potato? - Can we eat it?

I don't do carbs.

It looks like a tumor.

This is a hot potato.

We're gonna pass it around and use it as a tool

to get to know each other.

I'll go first.

My name is Robert, but you can call me Mr. James.

I was recently fired from my job.

My wife is divorcing me.

I'm living in my parents' basement,

and I'm an inch away from rock bottom.

Hot potato.

It's lukewarm at best, Bob.

Mr. James.

My name's Chadwick Elvis Mitchell III,

but everyone calls me Vincent.

- Why? - Kids are cruel, Bob.

Don't interrupt.

OK.

My father's a surgeon, my mother takes pills,

and I came here to conquer my fear of water

before I conquered the world of private equity.

Side note, I'm hotter than all of you,

room temperature potato.

- My name's Dear Baby Jesus. - Come again.

Dear Baby Jesus. It's from the Bible.

Yeah.

Got that.

I have two moms named Barbara who are extremely

religious and extremely gay.

I have absolutely no boundaries, I'm

on five different medications, and I

came here to walk on water.

Jesus potato.

The name's Bruce Manilow, but people call me BM.

Nope, you're Bruce.

I'm here because my parents are

worried I'll drown in the bathtub,

and they have every right still be.

The only thing I like more than food is people,

so if you ever need a good squeeze,

I'm your guy because I was blessed with the body

of a king-size mattress.

Sorry, potato.

Where'd the girl from "The Ring" go?

My name is Bloody Mary.

Oh, come on.

I came from the dark mountains of Nova Scotia.

My parents are night hunters.

I'm here because Damian told me to be.

Who's Damian?

The voice in my head.

Of course.

I also skin rabbits for fun.

Is anyone else getting reception?

I've got zero bars.

I recently learned the hard way

that it's better to be honest at the beginning of a relationship

instead of letting things fester, so I'm gonna speak

to all of you like adults now because you deserve to know

exactly what I think about you.

Vincent-- - Yes.

You're kind of a douche.

How dare you.

You need to change your attitude fast,

or you're gonna get eaten alive in high school.

Mother.

You know that's a toy phone, right?

That lying pill popping skank.

- Dear Baby Jesus-- - Hallelujah.

You're a miniature train wreck,

you'll never walk on water, and God might not exist.

Blasphemer.

You need to get some boundaries soon

because right now your future screams teen mom.

I love that show.

Bruce, you're a sweet kid, but you're tough to look at.

Oh, truth bombs. Love it.

You need to lose some weight, or you're gonna have a heart

attack before you're 10.

Four out of four doctors agree with you.

Bloody Mary, you're terrifying,

and you weird everyone out.

I get that a lot.

Need to get out of your head, or you're

gonna to wind up in an asylum.

My cats says the same thing.

And I need to stop looking at my life like I'm at a dead end

and treat this job like a new beginning--

You sad bastard.

An opportunity to teach you kids not only the lessons

of swimming but also the lessons of life in the hopes

that none of you grow up to be a fat, train

wreck, asshole, weirdo like me.

Way to tie it all in, Mr. James.

What do you say, guys? Are you with me?

I'd like to see something in writing first.

Pray for us, baby Jesus.

1,000%.

Shall we make it a blood pact?

I'll take that as a yes.

[static]

Dumb.

Hate you.

What?

I don't even know what this is.

Don't know who bought you.

Makes my arms look stupid.

[music playing]

What is-- never even knew that was in there.

Abby, are you OK?

No, I'm not OK.

It's an emergency.

Yeah.

That's what you said in your page.

By the way, pagers still?

I like things with clips built in.

OK, it's fine.

I'm here now. What's wrong?

What can I do?

I don't know what pants to pack.

I don't know what pants--

That's not an emergency, Abby.

I was at my great grandfather's deathbed.

Great, he died.

Listen, I'm really sorry about your dad--

- No. - Your dog?

No.

Your dlag.

That was just a noise.

Let's pray together.

[SINGING] Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

Can I go now?

My great grandfather's dead.

He is?

Had I known, I would have given you the night off.

OK, listen, I know this is technically my first week,

but I just don't think this is working out.

Oh.

All right.

[music playing]

Come on, let's see what we've packed so far.

OK.

We've got a moon boot, OK, an empty candle,

a banana peel, two doll heads, and this

is bunch of loose lotion.

Well, they can't tell how many ounces

it is if it's all spread out.

It's actually not bad logic.

Thank you.

Hey, you can't just throw to first things

you pick up into your suitcase.

You need to make a list.

I did.

Oh, the candle was burning when I started.

All right, where are you going?

Well, first I'm going to the Arctic,

then I'm going to St. Barts.

That's a weird trip.

I couldn't decide if I want it to be cold or warm.

OK, well, do you have any of those pants where, you know,

you can zip the bottoms off?

That'd be good for both.

You're such a genius.

This is why I hired you.

And, no, I don't have them, and I don't want them.

Aren't these them?

Give me those.

Those were a gift.

And are these Tevas?

Why do you have these?

Oh, you're dumb as a rock.

All right, I'm not here for you to hurl dated insults at.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

Let's kiss on the mouth.

No.

I was joking.

I'm just torn.

OK, I don't have room for both.

Also I need a new suitcase because of the candle.

The candle, I know.

Sometimes it's a burden, you know, having all

these clothes to choose from.

Yeah, I wouldn't know.

I own like 10 t-shirts and a pair of jeans.

Wanna take some clothes?

Really?

Yeah.

Totally.

Just find something you like.

How about this?

- Oh, not that. - These?

Uh uh.

The skirt?

- , No that's mine. - This?

- Anything but that. - This?

Need it.

I wasn't even holding anything.

Fine.

You can have it.

God, I hope your great grandfather dies.

He did.

Oh my God, when?

[static]

NARRATOR: It was November 29, 2001, when I got the call

that would change my life.

Yeah.

CALLER: Hey, it's Eddie from the TSA.

You start on Monday.

[music playing]

NARRATOR: It was a glorious time.

Wise guys ran the place.

You got the uniform, the badge, maybe not the prestige,

but there were other forms of compensation.

What are you doing?

It's just cologne.

It's not dangerous.

Shhh.

Welcome to the TSA, kid.

[music playing]

NARRATOR: Cigarette lighters, soda, we had

everything a guy could want.

Of course, we weren't supposed to keep anything,

but when you're flashing that many unsealed

water bottles in the face of a 25-year-old, what

do you expect?

9/11 may have been a tragedy for the nation,

but it was my ticket to the big time.

Take anything you want, anything--

big scissors, hairspray.

All these lotions, they're over 3.4 ounces.

Here, come on, take some toothpaste.

So this is where you guys hang out?

Yeah.

Yeah, Frankie, here, he's really into mouthwash.

Sal never stopped shaving, and Loretta she

loves her jumbo tubs of jelly.

Where'd you get all this, Henry?

Huh?

These is expensive.

It's nothing.

Don't worry about it, OK.

You know, TSA agents ain't supposed

to keep confiscated items.

NARRATOR: Yeah, and politicians aren't supposed to lie.

Those were the best years of my life,

but it wasn't long until things started to go south.

[knocking]

Open this door.

Oh, hey, Eddie.

Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to you.

Oh, it's nothing.

I just got the flu.

Holy shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Henry, you're brushing your teeth 12 times a day.

You're covered in hairspray.

Yeah.

My body's covered in hair.

You're out of control, Henry.

Come on, give me the big scissors.

I wanna make snowflakes.

Give me the big scissors, Henry.

I wanna make snowflakes.

- Give me those scissors. - What are doing, Eddie?

You're out of control.

What are you doing, Eddie?

No more cutting--

[groaning]

Oh, shit.

Ahh, Eddie.

NARRATOR: It was the beginning of the end for me,

but it wasn't long until the whole racket was shut down.

By 2025, the TSA's liquid ban was finally lifted,

and the gravy train crashed like an out of control train

filled with too much gravy.

The hardest part now is that things are different.

I've got a buy aerosol based sunscreen like everybody else,

live the rest of my life like an average schnook.

[music playing]