Original subtitles

All right so this is a crazy story about my dad.

9/11 happened when I was a senior in high school.

All boy Catholic high school and my mom

worked in the World Trade Center.

So I didn't know what happened to her.

I was worried.

Was she OK?

I started to cry hysterical because I

thought my mother was dead.

This kid, Frank, starts laughing at me while I'm

crying about my mother.

So I broke a chair over his head.

That was bad.

So my teacher was like, you're going

to get thrown out of school.

It's an all boy Catholic high school.

That's a rule, you can't break chairs over people's heads.

So I call my dad.

Dad, yeah I just got expelled from school.

I broke a chair of some kid's head.

All right, I'll be there in 10 minutes.

I was like you live 45 minutes away in Staten Island.

There's no way you're going to be here in 10 minutes.

12 minutes later somehow this guy shows up with the New York

Yankees batting practice jacket, shorts, flip-flops,

holding a cup of coffee.

I was like this is insane.

So he walks into school, he's like, all right.

I need a meeting with the principal.

You can't just get a meeting with the principal.

He's like, get me a meeting with the principal.

Two minutes later, we're in the principal's office.

It's me, my dad, Brother Rob.

He says, Brother Rob, what happened?

Well, your son broke a chair over someone's head.

And my dad is like, yeah, but he thought his mother was dead.

The kid got emotional.

There's got to be something we could do.

And he goes what part of no don't you understand?

Come on, there's got to be something we could do.

We're two grown men.

Are you some kind of idiot?

I was like, oh, that was bad.

You shouldn't have said that.

He goes Chrissy, go stand by the door.

I was like, what?

Stand in front of the door.

OK.

So my dad says, look, I'm going to give you two options.

The second one you're really not going to like.

Option one, we figure out how to get my kid

back in school diplomatically.

Option two, this is going to suck for you.

I come over and break both your frickin' kneecaps.

Now you're going to think I heard that in a movie.

I'm the guy they write the movie about.

I don't care.

I will call the cops right now, tell them where I live,

what my birthday is, Social Security number.

He goes, because guess what, I'd rather go to jail for the rest

of my life than have you throw my kid out of school

and have to listen to his mother's frickin' mouth.

Choice is yours.

Chrissy, put one minute on the clock.

One minute on the clock.

Do it.

OK, so we're going to throw him off the basketball team.

No.

And he'll have detention before and after class

the whole school year.

I'm glad we could see eye to eye.

Wait, Dad, just break his kneecaps.

I don't want to get thrown off the team.

My dad's like, shut up.

You almost killed a kid.

You've got to pay.

I didn't get expelled though.

And you know my dad and Brother Rob actually

became pretty good friends.

I'm pretty sure Brother Rob works for my dad.

I've seen him making deliveries at sketchy areas of Brooklyn

that I know my dad frequents.

So yeah, that's my dad.

He's a great guy.

And if he kisses you on the cheek,

you're probably getting whacked.

So, sorry.

OK, Mrs. Clinton, feel

free to keep it pretty loose.

Loose, no problem.

OK, great and let's go for one.

When I think about why I'm doing this,

I think about my mother.

Dorothy.

I know.

I know my mother's name.

When I think about why I'm doing this, I think about my mother.

Does my hair look real?

I'm not some alien doing my best imitation of a human being

so that I can become the first alien president.

When I think about why I'm doing this.

I think about my mother, Dorothy.

OK, Mrs. Clinton, we can actually

see you reading off your hand.

When I think about why I'm doing this.

I think about my mother, Donothy.

So does everyone here love holiday?

I enjoy holiday whenever I can holiday.

OK, guys, we're going to take five.

Matthew.

OK, Mrs. Clinton, let's see the photo that you

brought of your mother.

There you go.

Is that just a picture of you?

No.

When I was a little girl, I domesticated

a canine which we then euthanized

at the appropriate time.

I did it myself.

Is he going to be watching the whole time?

The camera?

Yes, him.

Yes.

Matthew.

When she needed a champion, someone was there.

OK, Let's do it again.

Try not to blink so much.

When she needed a champion, someone was there.

Let's just split the difference.

When she needed a champion, someone was there.

Mrs. Clinton, that's not a person.

That's a machine.

Right.

Him.

I love soccer.

Right?

That's the game.

Maybe let's not think about the word

so much and just kind of just speak from your heart.

My what?

Oh my heart.

Of course.

My heart.

Yes.

Right there.

Yep.

Close enough.

Matthew.

After a long dusty day on the campaign trail,

nothing feels better than just kicking back

and sanitizing my genitals with a bleach solution

that I apply with a hose.

That's not in the script.

That's why I'm doing this That's why I've always done

this, for all the Dohertys.

OK, I think we're done.

Great.

That was easy.

Is this a podcast or--

No.

No, it's a documentary.

What were we talking about?

Blujay.

Oh that's right.

Blujay died.

He just went on his first mission and up and died.

Spoiler alert.

He was a good kid, just eager.

He always wanted more, not just out of life

but like from me personally, like in terms of service.

Like he was always like, get me more peanuts.

Can I have another beer?

Can you change the channel in the frigging bar?

I'm like, dude. I'm busy.

He was my best friend but he pissed me off sometimes.

Son of a bitch.

What is it?

I just realized that mother fucker never paid his bar tab.

You know it's only when people are gone that you realize,

hey, Holmes, can we get a little powder on the old pooper here.

I know I'm disgusting.

He just had it, you know?

That certain quality of not caring

about your own health or well-being,

the integrity of your body.

He was vindictive.

He was a wiener.

He was a tool.

He was a goofus, but a good friend.

He was a hero.

He was a superhero.

He tried to put his finger in my butthole once.

I remember it like it was yesterday

over there by the ladies room.

I haven't had a dry dream since.

I remember once Brick locked himself out of the Sidecar.

Blujay let him use his cell phone.

He let me use a cell phone to call a 24 hour locksmith, which

was nice, even dialed for me, which

was nicer because my hands as are made of brick.

I think I broke his hand like 42 times that summer.

Still feel pretty bad about that.

I don't really know him at all.

I guess you could say I admire him from afar.

I haven't had a dry dream since.

Blujay was a punk ass .

Normal man.

It's a Cheers reference.

I figured it would caused more of a stir, you know,

Blujay's death and all.

Like, I mean I'm the one that found the body

and I picked it up and brought it here

and dumped it in the bar.

Blujay's dead.

Thanks.

No sweat.

He just deserved more, you know?

He gave so much.

More please.

He also drank so much, just every day

just bang, bang, bang, bang.

Shot after shot after shot.

Uh.

Shot of whiskey, shot of vodka, shot of tequila,

shot of piss.

And bang, bang, bang.

Ah.

Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.

Me and Blujay got into it one night.

He saw a YouTube video of me.

Everybody's seen it.

I was on this Nickelodeon show, "Guts," as a kid.

I didn't do too well.

Anyway, cut to this asshole in his pajamas

with a pair of wings trying to get at Bruce.

Not going to happen.

He beat him until he said thank you.

It was rude how much he bled.

But Blujay also did some really good stuff.

He did a bunch of great stuff, a whole bunch of great stuff.

Still miss Blujay.

Same shit, different day.

Did find myself a nice little chippy though,

goes by the name of Thunder Chunky

and I think I'm going to make her my wife.

Hi.

I am Thunder Chunky.

Yes, she is.

Yeah, I know.

It's kind of a weird name.

But I was watching a rerun of "Fresh Prince."

and it was spray painted behind Will

during the opening credits.

Yes, it's there.

Google it.

Yeah, and plus I have an ass that won't quit.

So I felt like it kind of fit, you know?

And then it just stuck.

Yeah, it did.

You know what else got stuck, right?

- What do you-- - Right?

- What are you doing? - Right, interviewer?

Right?

It's like a sexual innuendo.

Yeah, I think I know what you're doing

and I don't like it. OK?

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

It's just like, you know my past so--

I'm sorry.

I forgot.

And that's OK.

I love you.

I love you too.

Love you.

It's hard to kiss you.

Me?

I'm taken her easy.

Normal man.

Hey, this is my girlfriend.

Not so normal, right?

Hi.

I'm just living the dream, you know?

Still got my bar.

I love it.

That's all I need.

I have it all.

Guess I'm only missing one thing.

Shh.

I just didn't want to pay my tab.

Blujay's back .

I'm having so much fun right now.

Yeah, me too.

It's sort of like the birds and the bees, you know?

Yeah, probably.

You know what the birds and the bees are, right?

Of course.

I mean, I know what it is but, what do you think it is?

We're here to tell you

about the birds and the bees, one of life's

greatest mysteries.

There are over 1,000 bird species

and 25,000 species of bees.

Birds build their nests in trees.

Bees live in apiaries.

They both make sounds but bees buzz, birds sing.

And birds are big or small, but bees are always small.

Birds come in many colors and birds have feather wings.

Bees are mostly black and yellow and bees have clear wings.

Yellow bellied sapsucker, ostrich, crow, blue jay, robin,

flamingo, pigeon, penguin, turkey, seagull, Big Bird,

parrot, chicken, eagle.

Now we're on to bees. Watch out.

They'll sting you.

But not stingless bees, they cannot sting you.

Bumble bee, honey been, mason bee, wallaby,

white tailed bumble bee, hickory digger bee.

Birds and bees that's all you need to know about sex.

Yeah, OK, but what's a boner?

Well?

You didn't ask me anything.

Interesting.

So, Emily, hopefully you know why you're here.

Well, yeah.

Fine.

I'll tell you.

I'm looking for an assistant.

I can be very difficult to work for.

I'm laughing but that's not a joke.

You'll see.

I expect a lot from my assistants and pay is nothing.

It's actually a terrible deal.

But you know what they say.

Um, I--

So, tell me about yourself.

Well, I just graduated from Duke.

Emily, Emily, Emily.

That was a trick question.

That was a statement.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you.

Can you send the next one in?

That's right.

No assistant.

Next.

I have references from Larry David, Jim Carrey, Geena Davis,

and Laura Flamboya.

Nice try.

Those are fake people.

No, they're not.

OK, name one person named Geena Davis

who will hire you on the spot.

Geena Davis.

Out.

And I've been working in the industry for over 20 years.

Ew.

How old are you?

Just turned 38.

Nope.

And I'm happy to answer any questions you might have.

Do you think I'm cute?

I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to answer that.

How dare you?

That was empty.

The breeze did hurt my face a little.

Get out.

Bye, bye.

Check, please.

You didn't get it.

Beat it.

Hate you.

Scram.

But you ordered a salad.

Oh, not you.

I was talking to the person behind you.

I think I'd make a really good--

Shoo!

God, why is this so hard?

You have an assistant, right?

No, no I don't.

Probably got the last good one, God darn you.

Keep the change.

Oh, that's not enough?

See?

I can't do anything for myself.

Excuse me?

Hi.

I'm here for the interview.

Should I come back?

I heard unreasonable yelling.

No.

Now is fine.

I was just--

Are you OK?

Me?

Yes, I'm good.

Great, even.

Are you OK?

How was you there?

You good?

All good?

Oh, listen.

I changed my mind.

I don't need a job anymore.

No, please.

Come in. sit.

Just give me a second.

Here is my resume.

Wow.

We spell our names the same.

How do you pronounce yours?

Same as yours.

Are you sure?

Mine is weird.

There's a silent accent over the second B.

So yours should be A-Bye?

And she's funny, everyone.

Who are you talking to?

Are you hungry or thirsty or both or neither?

I guess I'm kind of thirsty.

OK, I have wine.

I'll take the wine.

Great.

So, A-Bye--

That's you.

What was your last job?

What experience do you have?

Let's get to know each other, mamacita.

Well, I worked at an animal shelter for a week once.

I had to kill a dog.

You're hired.

Seriously?

As serious as that dog's death that you're responsible for.

Now can you please pay that guy.

I don't know how to count or how money works

or how to flush a toilet.

Help me.

Hundreds choked to death in choking contest.

Everyone makes mistakes, say charismatic, handsome surgeons.

Are your friends and family in your house

right now for your surprise birthday party?

The answer could surprise you.

And after facing years of adversity

the first dinosaur baseball player

begins his noble triumph today.

You could say he's the Joan of Arc of dinosaurs of baseball.

With Channel Four Waco Valley, I'm Lon Johnson.

And that's a cut.

Hey, just a thought.

Maybe you should call him the dinosaur Jackie Robinson.

Oh, no, I don't think that's good.

I mean his name is Jackie Robinson.

So.

Yeah, and it's too on the nose.

Joan of Arc is more of a thematic comparison.

I'm just thinking it's almost exactly

the same situation as the original Jackie Robinson.

Yeah, right, right.

Which is why thematically--

Joan of Arc of baseball of dinosaurs,

it's just kind of confusing.

Yes, but the bigger idea that we're trying to--

It doesn't really roll off the tongue.

You didn't go to journalism school.

You didn't go to journalism school.

I did.

Good comeback.

Looks like Sandra Bullock was right all along.

Stick around to find out why.

Coming up a time where violence is the answer.

We report live from the National Crossword finals.

Hot togs.

Get your hot tog

Oh, I got to get me a hot tog.

What?

Hot toe Get your hot tah here.

I'll take a hot tah.

- Why are you saying that? - Hot tah.

Hot tah please.

You want a hot tow?

You guys friends?

One hot tow right here.

Hot tow.

Ketch or relish? - Don't matter.

Don't matter.

One hot tow, huh?

Hot tow coming.

Hot tow, hot tow right here.

Excuse me.

I'd also like a hot toh.

Oooh.

Racist.

Man, not cool.

Not cool at all.

Are bears sleeping their lives away?

Chicken pot pies, fact or fiction?

Oh, man, bases look so much bigger up close.

This is so awesome.

I can't believe you got us down here.

Did you ever think you'd see this day?

I know. I know.

He's like the John McCain of baseball.

What?

No, he's the Joan of Arc.

He's Jackie Robinson.

No.

He's like Darren Jacobs.

Who?

Darren Jacobs, homeroom, 9th grade.

Oh.

Wow.

He's totally Darren Jacobs.

Like the Darren Jacobs of baseball.

Yeah. Yeah.

I know him. - That's good.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, Robinson up to bat and here's the pitch.

Ow.

We should probably have our own league.

Yeah, this was a bad idea.

Everyone knows Doritos rule snack time,

but now Doritos has a big time new snack.

Introducing the Doritos Big Chip.

It's one big Dorito you share with your friends.

So when you're watching a big game,

bite into the big one, Doritos Big Chip.

Big taste, big crunch.

Big friends.

Still hungry?

Pour out some cool ranch dust.

It's just a pile of cool ranch dust.

Oh.

oh.

Ugh.

I don't like this at all.

I'm mad at my mouth.

Tastes like a bunch of sand, like it's old sand.

Why did you give me this chip?

That's up.

Why didn't you just get regular Doritos

like we asked, Dan?

I'm leaving.

leaving.

Getting the out of here.

your Doritos.