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1
00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:06,136
All right so this is a
crazy story about my dad.
2
00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:08,660
9/11 happened when I was
a senior in high school.
3
00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:10,923
All boy Catholic high
school and my mom
4
00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:12,229
worked in the
World Trade Center.
5
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:13,665
So I didn't know
what happened to her.
6
00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:14,536
I was worried.
7
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,581
Was she OK?
8
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,540
I started to cry
hysterical because I
9
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,063
thought my mother was dead.
10
00:00:20,194 --> 00:00:23,153
This kid, Frank, starts
laughing at me while I'm
11
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,025
crying about my mother.
12
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,984
So I broke a chair
over his head.
13
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,246
That was bad.
14
00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:30,247
So my teacher was
like, you're going
15
00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:31,683
to get thrown out of school.
16
00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:33,424
It's an all boy
Catholic high school.
17
00:00:33,555 --> 00:00:35,948
That's a rule, you can't break
chairs over people's heads.
18
00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:37,341
So I call my dad.
19
00:00:37,472 --> 00:00:39,213
Dad, yeah I just got
expelled from school.
20
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,562
I broke a chair of
some kid's head.
21
00:00:40,692 --> 00:00:43,130
All right, I'll be
there in 10 minutes.
22
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:46,133
I was like you live 45
minutes away in Staten Island.
23
00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:48,265
There's no way you're going
to be here in 10 minutes.
24
00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:52,226
12 minutes later somehow this
guy shows up with the New York
25
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:55,185
Yankees batting practice
jacket, shorts, flip-flops,
26
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:56,447
holding a cup of coffee.
27
00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:57,927
I was like this is insane.
28
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,581
So he walks into school,
he's like, all right.
29
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,583
I need a meeting
with the principal.
30
00:01:01,713 --> 00:01:03,541
You can't just get a
meeting with the principal.
31
00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:06,718
He's like, get me a
meeting with the principal.
32
00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:08,677
Two minutes later, we're
in the principal's office.
33
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,332
It's me, my dad, Brother Rob.
34
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:14,509
He says, Brother
Rob, what happened?
35
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,598
Well, your son broke a
chair over someone's head.
36
00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:18,991
And my dad is like, yeah, but
he thought his mother was dead.
37
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,341
The kid got emotional.
38
00:01:20,471 --> 00:01:21,907
There's got to be
something we could do.
39
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:24,475
And he goes what part of
no don't you understand?
40
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:26,303
Come on, there's got to
be something we could do.
41
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:27,565
We're two grown men.
42
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:30,220
Are you some kind of idiot?
43
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:31,265
I was like, oh, that was bad.
44
00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:32,570
You shouldn't have said that.
45
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,268
He goes Chrissy, go
stand by the door.
46
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:35,269
I was like, what?
47
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:38,054
Stand in front of the door.
48
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,751
OK.
49
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:42,102
So my dad says, look, I'm
going to give you two options.
50
00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:44,016
The second one you're
really not going to like.
51
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:46,715
Option one, we figure
out how to get my kid
52
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:49,196
back in school diplomatically.
53
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:51,633
Option two, this is
going to suck for you.
54
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:54,636
I come over and break both
your frickin' kneecaps.
55
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:56,942
Now you're going to think
I heard that in a movie.
56
00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:58,466
I'm the guy they
write the movie about.
57
00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:00,120
I don't care.
58
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,773
I will call the cops right
now, tell them where I live,
59
00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,993
what my birthday is,
Social Security number.
60
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,039
He goes, because guess what, I'd
rather go to jail for the rest
61
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:09,390
of my life than have you
throw my kid out of school
62
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,393
and have to listen to his
mother's frickin' mouth.
63
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:13,698
Choice is yours.
64
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:16,353
Chrissy, put one
minute on the clock.
65
00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:17,789
One minute on the clock.
66
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,530
Do it.
67
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:21,924
OK, so we're going to throw
him off the basketball team.
68
00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:23,360
No.
69
00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:24,709
And he'll have detention
before and after class
70
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,058
the whole school year.
71
00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:27,234
I'm glad we could
see eye to eye.
72
00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,583
Wait, Dad, just
break his kneecaps.
73
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:29,758
I don't want to get
thrown off the team.
74
00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:30,889
My dad's like, shut up.
75
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:31,977
You almost killed a kid.
76
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:33,805
You've got to pay.
77
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,198
I didn't get expelled though.
78
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,200
And you know my dad and
Brother Rob actually
79
00:02:37,331 --> 00:02:39,463
became pretty good friends.
80
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:41,552
I'm pretty sure Brother
Rob works for my dad.
81
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,860
I've seen him making deliveries
at sketchy areas of Brooklyn
82
00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:46,514
that I know my dad frequents.
83
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:48,603
So yeah, that's my dad.
84
00:02:48,733 --> 00:02:50,300
He's a great guy.
85
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,476
And if he kisses
you on the cheek,
86
00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:53,521
you're probably getting whacked.
87
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,087
So, sorry.
88
00:02:57,786 --> 00:02:58,830
OK,
Mrs. Clinton, feel
89
00:02:58,961 --> 00:02:59,744
free to keep it pretty loose.
90
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:01,616
Loose, no problem.
91
00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:04,184
OK, great
and let's go for one.
92
00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:06,708
When I think about
why I'm doing this,
93
00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:08,057
I think about my mother.
94
00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,802
Dorothy.
95
00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:15,282
I know.
96
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,066
I know my mother's name.
97
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,069
When I think about why I'm doing
this, I think about my mother.
98
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:24,769
Does my hair look real?
99
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:28,512
I'm not some alien doing my
best imitation of a human being
100
00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:30,949
so that I can become the
first alien president.
101
00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:37,956
When I think about
why I'm doing this.
102
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:41,221
I think about my
mother, Dorothy.
103
00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,744
OK, Mrs.
Clinton, we can actually
104
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,093
see you reading off your hand.
105
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,051
When I think about
why I'm doing this.
106
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:51,013
I think about my
mother, Donothy.
107
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:53,102
So does everyone
here love holiday?
108
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,888
I enjoy holiday
whenever I can holiday.
109
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,455
OK, guys,
we're going to take five.
110
00:03:58,586 --> 00:03:59,456
Matthew.
111
00:04:02,851 --> 00:04:04,635
OK, Mrs. Clinton,
let's see the photo that you
112
00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:06,376
brought of your mother.
113
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,509
There you go.
114
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:10,162
Is that
just a picture of you?
115
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,512
No.
116
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:12,991
When I was a little
girl, I domesticated
117
00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:15,211
a canine which we
then euthanized
118
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:18,562
at the appropriate time.
119
00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:21,348
I did it myself.
120
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,959
Is he going to be
watching the whole time?
121
00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:25,265
The camera?
122
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,397
Yes, him.
123
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:28,311
Yes.
124
00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:29,312
Matthew.
125
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:33,969
When she needed a champion,
someone was there.
126
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:35,187
OK,
Let's do it again.
127
00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:36,667
Try not to blink so much.
128
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:39,453
When she needed a
champion, someone was there.
129
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:40,932
Let's just
split the difference.
130
00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:43,413
When she needed a
champion, someone was there.
131
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:44,936
Mrs. Clinton,
that's not a person.
132
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,547
That's a machine.
133
00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,592
Right.
134
00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:49,506
Him.
135
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:50,986
I love soccer.
136
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:51,900
Right?
137
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:53,728
That's the game.
138
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,382
Maybe let's
not think about the word
139
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:57,558
so much and just kind of
just speak from your heart.
140
00:04:57,688 --> 00:04:58,472
My what?
141
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,125
Oh my heart.
142
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:01,126
Of course.
143
00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:02,519
My heart.
144
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:03,607
Yes.
145
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:04,478
Right there.
146
00:05:04,608 --> 00:05:06,436
Yep.
147
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:07,611
Close enough.
148
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:09,787
Matthew.
149
00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:12,964
After a long dusty day
on the campaign trail,
150
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:16,011
nothing feels better
than just kicking back
151
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:19,275
and sanitizing my genitals
with a bleach solution
152
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:20,842
that I apply with a hose.
153
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:24,976
That's
not in the script.
154
00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:27,675
That's why I'm doing this
That's why I've always done
155
00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:36,945
this, for all the Dohertys.
156
00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:41,384
OK, I
think we're done.
157
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:42,298
Great.
158
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,995
That was easy.
159
00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:45,432
Is this a podcast or--
160
00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:46,563
No.
161
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,696
No, it's a documentary.
162
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:51,655
What were we talking about?
163
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,091
Blujay.
164
00:05:53,222 --> 00:05:54,005
Oh that's right.
165
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,572
Blujay died.
166
00:05:55,703 --> 00:05:58,793
He just went on his first
mission and up and died.
167
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:03,363
Spoiler alert.
168
00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,506
He was a good kid, just eager.
169
00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:19,901
He always wanted more,
not just out of life
170
00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:22,251
but like from me personally,
like in terms of service.
171
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,861
Like he was always like,
get me more peanuts.
172
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:25,341
Can I have another beer?
173
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:26,516
Can you change the channel
in the frigging bar?
174
00:06:26,647 --> 00:06:28,170
I'm like, dude.
I'm busy.
175
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:32,740
He was my best friend but
he pissed me off sometimes.
176
00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:35,003
Son of a bitch.
177
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,047
What is it?
178
00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:43,228
I just realized that mother
fucker never paid his bar tab.
179
00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:48,320
You know it's only when people
are gone that you realize,
180
00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:53,151
hey, Holmes, can we get a little
powder on the old pooper here.
181
00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:55,110
I know I'm disgusting.
182
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,460
He just had it, you know?
183
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,027
That certain quality
of not caring
184
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,725
about your own
health or well-being,
185
00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:03,118
the integrity of your body.
186
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:05,555
He was vindictive.
187
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:07,383
He was a wiener.
188
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,646
He was a tool.
189
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:14,303
He was a goofus,
but a good friend.
190
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,044
He was a hero.
191
00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:18,046
He was a superhero.
192
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,570
He tried to put his
finger in my butthole once.
193
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:22,572
I remember it like
it was yesterday
194
00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:23,965
over there by the ladies room.
195
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:36,456
I haven't had a dry dream since.
196
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:40,721
I remember once Brick locked
himself out of the Sidecar.
197
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,853
Blujay let him use
his cell phone.
198
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:45,552
He let me use a cell phone to
call a 24 hour locksmith, which
199
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,945
was nice, even
dialed for me, which
200
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:52,950
was nicer because my hands
as are made of brick.
201
00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:55,605
I think I broke his hand
like 42 times that summer.
202
00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:01,916
Still feel pretty
bad about that.
203
00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:04,179
I don't really
know him at all.
204
00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:09,271
I guess you could say
I admire him from afar.
205
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:12,143
I haven't had a dry dream since.
206
00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:13,884
Blujay was a punk ass .
207
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:16,670
Normal man.
208
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,280
It's a Cheers reference.
209
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:20,412
I figured it would caused
more of a stir, you know,
210
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:21,892
Blujay's death and all.
211
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:24,373
Like, I mean I'm the
one that found the body
212
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,636
and I picked it up
and brought it here
213
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:29,509
and dumped it in the bar.
214
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:32,424
Blujay's dead.
215
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:33,295
Thanks.
216
00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:34,862
No sweat.
217
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,429
He just deserved
more, you know?
218
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,346
He gave so much.
219
00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:46,613
More please.
220
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:50,660
He also drank so
much, just every day
221
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,140
just bang, bang, bang, bang.
222
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,924
Shot after shot after shot.
223
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,491
Uh.
224
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:58,233
Shot of whiskey, shot
of vodka, shot of tequila,
225
00:08:58,363 --> 00:08:59,582
shot of piss.
226
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,279
And bang, bang, bang.
227
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:02,324
Ah.
228
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,239
Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.
229
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:06,023
Me and Blujay got
into it one night.
230
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,634
He saw a YouTube video of me.
231
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:09,374
Everybody's seen it.
232
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,681
I was on this Nickelodeon
show, "Guts," as a kid.
233
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,074
I didn't do too well.
234
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,424
Anyway, cut to this
asshole in his pajamas
235
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,296
with a pair of wings
trying to get at Bruce.
236
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:19,733
Not going to happen.
237
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:22,866
He beat him until
he said thank you.
238
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:25,347
It was rude how much he bled.
239
00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:27,958
But Blujay also did
some really good stuff.
240
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:30,744
He did a bunch of great stuff,
a whole bunch of great stuff.
241
00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:42,756
Still miss Blujay.
242
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:45,193
Same shit, different day.
243
00:09:45,323 --> 00:09:47,282
Did find myself a nice
little chippy though,
244
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:48,762
goes by the name
of Thunder Chunky
245
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,328
and I think I'm going
to make her my wife.
246
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:51,765
Hi.
247
00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:53,027
I am Thunder Chunky.
248
00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:54,115
Yes, she is.
249
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:55,116
Yeah, I know.
250
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:56,508
It's kind of a weird name.
251
00:09:56,639 --> 00:10:00,556
But I was watching a
rerun of "Fresh Prince."
252
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:03,864
and it was spray
painted behind Will
253
00:10:03,994 --> 00:10:04,865
during the opening credits.
254
00:10:04,995 --> 00:10:05,779
Yes, it's there.
255
00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:07,215
Google it.
256
00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:09,957
Yeah, and plus I have
an ass that won't quit.
257
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:13,221
So I felt like it
kind of fit, you know?
258
00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:14,309
And then it just stuck.
259
00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:16,180
Yeah, it did.
260
00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:18,443
You know what else
got stuck, right?
261
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:19,880
- What do you--
- Right?
262
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:21,055
- What are you doing?
- Right, interviewer?
263
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:22,099
Right?
264
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:23,361
It's like a sexual innuendo.
265
00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:24,711
Yeah, I think I
know what you're doing
266
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:25,668
and I don't like it.
OK?
267
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:26,538
I'm sorry.
268
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:29,541
It's OK.
269
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:32,240
It's just like, you
know my past so--
270
00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:33,110
I'm sorry.
271
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:34,503
I forgot.
272
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,071
And that's OK.
273
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:38,072
I love you.
274
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:39,116
I love you too.
275
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:41,684
Love you.
276
00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:44,774
It's hard to kiss you.
277
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:45,775
Me?
278
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,169
I'm taken her easy.
279
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,561
Normal man.
280
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,563
Hey, this is my girlfriend.
281
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,348
Not so normal, right?
282
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:54,610
Hi.
283
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:58,005
I'm just living
the dream, you know?
284
00:10:58,135 --> 00:10:59,223
Still got my bar.
285
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:00,181
I love it.
286
00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:02,270
That's all I need.
287
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,314
I have it all.
288
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,972
Guess I'm only
missing one thing.
289
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:22,029
Shh.
290
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:24,988
I just didn't want
to pay my tab.
291
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:26,511
Blujay's back .
292
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,834
I'm having so
much fun right now.
293
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:46,444
Yeah, me too.
294
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:49,796
It's sort of like the
birds and the bees, you know?
295
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:52,102
Yeah, probably.
296
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:54,714
You know what the birds
and the bees are, right?
297
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,411
Of course.
298
00:11:56,541 --> 00:12:00,850
I mean, I know what it is
but, what do you think it is?
299
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,243
We're
here to tell you
300
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:05,768
about the birds and
the bees, one of life's
301
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,553
greatest mysteries.
302
00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:11,905
There are over
1,000 bird species
303
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:15,647
and 25,000 species of bees.
304
00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:19,129
Birds build their
nests in trees.
305
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:22,567
Bees live in apiaries.
306
00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:26,136
They both make sounds but
bees buzz, birds sing.
307
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:31,272
And birds are big or small,
but bees are always small.
308
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:35,667
Birds come in many colors
and birds have feather wings.
309
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:42,936
Bees are mostly black and yellow
and bees have clear wings.
310
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:48,158
Yellow bellied sapsucker,
ostrich, crow, blue jay, robin,
311
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:51,205
flamingo, pigeon, penguin,
turkey, seagull, Big Bird,
312
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:52,380
parrot, chicken, eagle.
313
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:53,381
Now we're on to bees.
Watch out.
314
00:12:53,511 --> 00:12:54,861
They'll sting you.
315
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,210
But not stingless bees,
they cannot sting you.
316
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:57,777
Bumble bee, honey been,
mason bee, wallaby,
317
00:12:57,907 --> 00:12:59,561
white tailed bumble
bee, hickory digger bee.
318
00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:07,090
Birds and bees that's all
you need to know about sex.
319
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:11,616
Yeah, OK, but what's a boner?
320
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:46,477
Well?
321
00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:50,220
You didn't ask me anything.
322
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:53,049
Interesting.
323
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:57,227
So, Emily, hopefully
you know why you're here.
324
00:13:57,358 --> 00:13:58,141
Well, yeah.
325
00:13:58,272 --> 00:13:59,099
Fine.
326
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,100
I'll tell you.
327
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:01,362
I'm looking for an assistant.
328
00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:03,320
I can be very
difficult to work for.
329
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,239
I'm laughing but
that's not a joke.
330
00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:10,893
You'll see.
331
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:13,156
I expect a lot from my
assistants and pay is nothing.
332
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:14,157
It's actually a terrible deal.
333
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:15,637
But you know what they say.
334
00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:19,597
Um, I--
335
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,998
So, tell me about yourself.
336
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:31,958
Well, I just
graduated from Duke.
337
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:34,264
Emily, Emily, Emily.
338
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,484
That was a trick question.
339
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:37,659
That was a statement.
340
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:38,790
Good luck with everything.
341
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:39,835
Thank you.
342
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:48,365
Can you send the next one in?
343
00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:49,279
That's right.
344
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:50,759
No assistant.
345
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,500
Next.
346
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:54,937
I have references from Larry
David, Jim Carrey, Geena Davis,
347
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,243
and Laura Flamboya.
348
00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:57,200
Nice try.
349
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:58,071
Those are fake people.
350
00:14:58,201 --> 00:14:59,376
No, they're not.
351
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,030
OK, name one person
named Geena Davis
352
00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:02,379
who will hire you on the spot.
353
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:03,293
Geena Davis.
354
00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:05,078
Out.
355
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:06,906
And I've been working in the
industry for over 20 years.
356
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:07,776
Ew.
357
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:08,995
How old are you?
358
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:09,996
Just turned 38.
359
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,606
Nope.
360
00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:14,391
And I'm happy to answer
any questions you might have.
361
00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:15,392
Do you think I'm cute?
362
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,615
I'm pretty sure I'm not
allowed to answer that.
363
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:24,140
How dare you?
364
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:25,446
That was empty.
365
00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:26,751
The breeze did hurt
my face a little.
366
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:28,231
Get out.
367
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:29,493
Bye, bye.
368
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:30,538
Check, please.
369
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:31,756
You didn't get it.
370
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:32,801
Beat it.
371
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,107
Hate you.
372
00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:35,108
Scram.
373
00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:36,239
But you ordered a salad.
374
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:37,545
Oh, not you.
375
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:38,720
I was talking to the
person behind you.
376
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:39,764
I think I'd make
a really good--
377
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:42,289
Shoo!
378
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:46,075
God, why is this so hard?
379
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:47,468
You have an assistant, right?
380
00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:48,904
No, no I don't.
381
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,428
Probably got the last
good one, God darn you.
382
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:52,821
Keep the change.
383
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,431
Oh, that's not enough?
384
00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:55,737
See?
385
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,870
I can't do anything for myself.
386
00:15:59,001 --> 00:15:59,784
Excuse me?
387
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:00,785
Hi.
388
00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:03,527
I'm here for the interview.
389
00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:04,615
Should I come back?
390
00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:05,965
I heard unreasonable yelling.
391
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:06,835
No.
392
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,141
Now is fine.
393
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:09,142
I was just--
394
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:30,076
Are you OK?
395
00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:30,946
Me?
396
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,252
Yes, I'm good.
397
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,122
Great, even.
398
00:16:33,253 --> 00:16:34,036
Are you OK?
399
00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:37,126
How was you there?
400
00:16:37,257 --> 00:16:39,041
You good?
401
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:40,477
All good?
402
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:41,696
Oh, listen.
403
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:42,740
I changed my mind.
404
00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:43,741
I don't need a job anymore.
405
00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:44,829
No, please.
406
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,266
Come in. sit.
407
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:47,789
Just give me a second.
408
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:53,882
Here is my resume.
409
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:54,970
Wow.
410
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,667
We spell our names the same.
411
00:16:56,798 --> 00:16:57,712
How do you pronounce yours?
412
00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,192
Same as yours.
413
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:00,062
Are you sure?
414
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:01,411
Mine is weird.
415
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,805
There's a silent accent
over the second B.
416
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:05,372
So yours should be A-Bye?
417
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:10,855
And she's funny, everyone.
418
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,335
Who are you talking to?
419
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:14,946
Are you hungry or
thirsty or both or neither?
420
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:16,383
I guess I'm kind of thirsty.
421
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:17,862
OK, I have wine.
422
00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:24,782
I'll take the wine.
423
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:27,002
Great.
424
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,264
So, A-Bye--
425
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:29,135
That's you.
426
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:30,701
What was your last job?
427
00:17:30,832 --> 00:17:32,573
What experience do you have?
428
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:35,706
Let's get to know
each other, mamacita.
429
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:39,449
Well, I worked at an animal
shelter for a week once.
430
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,016
I had to kill a dog.
431
00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:41,930
You're hired.
432
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,671
Seriously?
433
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:46,456
As serious as that dog's death
that you're responsible for.
434
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:48,371
Now can you please pay that guy.
435
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:51,461
I don't know how to
count or how money works
436
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:52,854
or how to flush a toilet.
437
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:53,898
Help me.
438
00:17:57,424 --> 00:18:00,644
Hundreds choked to
death in choking contest.
439
00:18:00,775 --> 00:18:04,518
Everyone makes mistakes, say
charismatic, handsome surgeons.
440
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,172
Are your friends and
family in your house
441
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:08,174
right now for your
surprise birthday party?
442
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,350
The answer could surprise you.
443
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,966
And after facing
years of adversity
444
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,750
the first dinosaur
baseball player
445
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:21,709
begins his noble triumph today.
446
00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:26,496
You could say he's the Joan of
Arc of dinosaurs of baseball.
447
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:29,151
With Channel Four Waco
Valley, I'm Lon Johnson.
448
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:30,761
And that's a cut.
449
00:18:30,892 --> 00:18:32,502
Hey, just a thought.
450
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:35,157
Maybe you should call him
the dinosaur Jackie Robinson.
451
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,550
Oh, no, I don't
think that's good.
452
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,727
I mean his name
is Jackie Robinson.
453
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:40,858
So.
454
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,295
Yeah, and it's
too on the nose.
455
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,514
Joan of Arc is more of
a thematic comparison.
456
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,125
I'm just thinking
it's almost exactly
457
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:47,996
the same situation as the
original Jackie Robinson.
458
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:48,997
Yeah, right, right.
459
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,433
Which is why thematically--
460
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:53,132
Joan of Arc of
baseball of dinosaurs,
461
00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:54,655
it's just kind of confusing.
462
00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:56,483
Yes, but the bigger idea
that we're trying to--
463
00:18:56,613 --> 00:18:58,137
It doesn't really
roll off the tongue.
464
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:01,531
You didn't go to
journalism school.
465
00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:03,316
You didn't go to
journalism school.
466
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:05,883
I did.
467
00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:08,712
Good comeback.
468
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:11,106
Looks like Sandra Bullock
was right all along.
469
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,195
Stick around to find out why.
470
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:15,980
Coming up a time where
violence is the answer.
471
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:19,288
We report live from the
National Crossword finals.
472
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:20,333
Hot togs.
473
00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,596
Get your hot tog
474
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:23,597
Oh, I got to get me a hot tog.
475
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:24,685
What?
476
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:26,948
Hot toe Get your hot tah here.
477
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:28,210
I'll take a hot tah.
478
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:29,907
- Why are you saying that?
- Hot tah.
479
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:30,778
Hot tah please.
480
00:19:30,908 --> 00:19:31,692
You want a hot tow?
481
00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:32,649
You guys friends?
482
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:33,650
One hot tow right here.
483
00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:34,782
Hot tow.
484
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:35,783
Ketch or relish?
- Don't matter.
485
00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:36,697
Don't matter.
486
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:37,698
One hot tow, huh?
487
00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:38,742
Hot tow coming.
488
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:39,830
Hot tow, hot tow right here.
489
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:40,788
Excuse me.
490
00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:42,659
I'd also like a hot toh.
491
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:45,271
Oooh.
492
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:46,881
Racist.
493
00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:49,710
Man, not cool.
494
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,321
Not cool at all.
495
00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:55,106
Are bears sleeping
their lives away?
496
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:59,023
Chicken pot pies,
fact or fiction?
497
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:01,461
Oh, man, bases look
so much bigger up close.
498
00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:02,853
This is so awesome.
499
00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:04,942
I can't believe you
got us down here.
500
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:06,553
Did you ever think
you'd see this day?
501
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:07,858
I know.
I know.
502
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:09,512
He's like the John
McCain of baseball.
503
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:10,513
What?
504
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,036
No, he's the Joan of Arc.
505
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,081
He's Jackie Robinson.
506
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:13,995
No.
507
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:17,955
He's like Darren Jacobs.
508
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:19,261
Who?
509
00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:23,134
Darren Jacobs,
homeroom, 9th grade.
510
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,048
Oh.
511
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:25,049
Wow.
512
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,268
He's totally Darren Jacobs.
513
00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:28,879
Like the Darren
Jacobs of baseball.
514
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:29,967
Yeah.
Yeah.
515
00:20:30,098 --> 00:20:31,360
I know him.
- That's good.
516
00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:32,883
Yeah, right.
517
00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:34,842
Yeah, Robinson up to
bat and here's the pitch.
518
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,027
Ow.
519
00:20:46,157 --> 00:20:47,376
We should probably
have our own league.
520
00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:48,943
Yeah, this was a bad idea.
521
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:57,168
Everyone knows
Doritos rule snack time,
522
00:20:57,299 --> 00:21:00,868
but now Doritos has
a big time new snack.
523
00:21:00,998 --> 00:21:03,436
Introducing the
Doritos Big Chip.
524
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,656
It's one big Dorito you
share with your friends.
525
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:08,484
So when you're
watching a big game,
526
00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:11,748
bite into the big
one, Doritos Big Chip.
527
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:14,795
Big taste, big crunch.
528
00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:16,840
Big friends.
529
00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:18,015
Still hungry?
530
00:21:18,146 --> 00:21:19,974
Pour out some cool ranch dust.
531
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:22,193
It's just a pile
of cool ranch dust.
532
00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:31,028
Oh.
533
00:21:31,159 --> 00:21:33,814
oh.
534
00:21:33,944 --> 00:21:34,815
Ugh.
535
00:21:34,945 --> 00:21:36,338
I don't like this at all.
536
00:21:36,469 --> 00:21:38,079
I'm mad at my mouth.
537
00:21:38,209 --> 00:21:40,647
Tastes like a bunch of
sand, like it's old sand.
538
00:21:40,777 --> 00:21:41,778
Why did you give me this chip?
539
00:21:41,909 --> 00:21:43,127
That's up.
540
00:21:43,258 --> 00:21:45,042
Why didn't you just
get regular Doritos
541
00:21:45,173 --> 00:21:47,393
like we asked, Dan?
542
00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:48,568
I'm leaving.
543
00:21:48,698 --> 00:21:49,612
leaving.
544
00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:51,962
Getting the out of here.
545
00:21:52,093 --> 00:21:54,356
your Doritos.
36752
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