Original subtitles

Hey, what's up?

I'm Rickey.

I'll be your hangover this morning.

It's my first day.

Hey, does this hurt?

No.

Actually, it feels soothing.

Hmm.

Crud.

Very sorry, sir.

As you can see, I'm working with a trainee today.

Hey how'd I do?

It was awful.

It was a bunch of nonsense.

What was that?

Oh, you know that thing when you're hung over

and your feet get, like, super ticklish and you hate it?

I was doing that.

Have you ever been hung over before?

Oh, no.

I'm a Mormon.

Okey dokey.

Maybe we should start with some basics.

Now, this young man drank 2 and 1/2 quarts of rye whiskey,

then topped it off with a hell of a lot of jager.

So right now, he should be experiencing

crippling dizzy spells.

Rickey, how are you going to give that to him?

Stuff them in a dryer.

You know what?

Let's just simplify a bit, learn to use what's at hand.

Stopping the flow of blood to his brain,

Yeah, I don't think that's quite what I was thinking,

but B for effort.

So what I like to do is start off slow,

and then once you get him moving,

you can really pick up speed.

Symptom?

Dry mouth.

Dry mouth.

Dry mouth.

Ooh, I got it,

Much better. Much better.

Personally, I would have gone for, like, a handful of cotton

balls because I like to keep my workspace clean,

but I think you're getting the hang of it.

Shall we hit some more?

Please.

There you go.

Huh?

Wow.

Wow.

He loves it, doesn't he?

Yeah, there you go.

All right, Rickey, you ready to take one on your own?

Yeah, I got this.

All right.

Put her there, buddy.

Good luck.

You drank so much your hair's falling out.

What!

Excuse me.

Oh, fresh meat.

What?

Look, he's my friend.

Sorry. - Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can anybody point me to the Idina Menzel tribute karaoke?

Where are my friends?

Jonathan, Matthew, Treblen, Topher.

Is that Xander?

Hey, bro, what's going on?

What's the party like in there?

It's fun, lots of music, you know.

Are you guys, like, straight dudes,

hot, straight guys like me or--

No, it's not straight dudes like you.

It's gay dudes like you that want facials.

Sheila?

Hey, hey, hey.

How are you?

Oh, you know.

- You look so good, - Thank you.

I got my hair did.

What are you wearing?

You smell so good.

Oh, I am wearing some desperation.

I'll get one of you queens to buy me a chardonnay.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

Do it.

You smell delicious.

- Thank you. - I'll see you later.

Bye.

Bye.

Kind of in over my head, but I was

hoping maybe I could have a--

Dolly Parton.

Oh, someone's still here, I see.

Oh, wait. Do I hear some--

- Mm-hmm. - drunk asshole talking to me?

- Oh, that's a really cute coat. - Because I see--

What boyfriend did you sleep with to get it?

- I see a lot-- - Uh-huh.

of cute guys here.

Oh, good luck.

Good luck.

Yo, check it.

Can you tell I blew out my this week?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm looking for somebody now. - Oh, me, too.

You seen my girlfriend?

You know what?

I used to love this place when it was just

and lips everywhere, everywhere, and lips.

Hi.

- Oh. - Oh, sorry.

Are you the bartender?

No, but I have read a book on bartending,

so that's something. - No.

Is that something that you'd want to talk about?

- No, thank you. - I'm .

David?

David? - Get out here.

David?

Just go towards him.

David, where are you?

- You don't have to shout. - David?

- Oh. - There you are.

I'm sick of you queens yelling all the time.

Everyone thinks I have everything figured out

because I'm white.

Well, I don't have everything figured out.

You're crazy.

Why are you being so crazy?

Cocaine.

Anybody ever tell you you look like Kesha?

What's up, gay boy? Sheila's here.

I want to dance.

I'd totally hit that.

Come back when you're ready, girl.

I smell it on you.

Stop it.

Do you think I'm stupid?

I need to borrow 40 bucks anyway.

Come on.

How dare you?

How dare you? Leave me alone.

Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

I'm running away. - Give me the ball.

Just leave me alone. I gotta be alone.

I gotta be alone. Leave me alone.

Fine.

Which one of you guys want to see my dick?

Come on.

Hi.

Oh, no thanks.

What? Are you--

- I-- - alone?

No, I'm actually looking for my friends

who were supposed to meet here. Um.

Are you sure, because you look alone.

Are you lying?

I'm technically alone, but I'm not lonely.

I'm feeling wicked.

- You are? - Yeah--

So do you know where it is?

I know how to defy gravity.

Oh, awesome.

Hey, wait a second.

Why are your eyes so red?

Where are my gays?

Where my gay boys at?

Oh, let's die young tonight.

Oh, oh. Is that a woman?

Is that a woman? Do I see a woman?

Do I see a woman? Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Ah, that's a peen.

Oh, so this is how the night ends.

If anyone wants a primo HJ, I'm available.

Because my friends forgot it was my birthday,

and I'm in a bar by myself.

Oh, my god, does he see me?

Does he see me?

Oh, my god, here he comes.

Here he comes.

Yoo-hoo.

My god.

Concert promoting is a dog-eat-dog business.

I mean, I only want marquee bands playing my venue.

Marquee.

I mean, last Friday night, we had this killer lineup.

It was The Buttmunchers opening for Jacob's Fatter.

It was the ska-grunge event of 2013.

My name is Ryan Skullface.

I'm a concert promoter here at the White Hills Teen Center,

in White Hills, Connecticut.

The club is located on, uh, like, a zone,

like, I don't know how you describe it.

Basically, there's a junior high that some of the kids

go to, and there some junior high

that some of the other kids go to.

And you get-- you know, it's like gangland out there.

You know, especially during soccer season.

My age?

I just-- I turned 18, 15 years ago, roughly.

I don't live with my parents, but we live in a house

together that they pay for.

Dance hop moshnaught?

No outside beverages.

Whose Jacob's Fatter?

Um, it's like, imagine Nirvana, but, like,

if Nirvana was, like, better.

I live here-- walking distance, which is great, you know,

in case I'm working late at the club,

I don't have to worry about, you know, parking or whatever.

Also, I don't have a car.

Have I ever been in a band?

That's a very good question.

I'll answer that question in the form of a question.

Have, or-- have I ever not been in a band?

I'll answer that question with an answer.

No, I've not been in a--

been in a band.

No, I stopped booking evil bands,

because I find myself crying all the time.

And, you know, you can't be bawling

your eyes out when some kid wants two large Mountain Dews.

Right now, there is a band getting together

for the very first time.

The bass players mom has just pulled out of the driveway.

He's dragging his amp into the basement.

They're practicing.

I want to be their concert promoter,

and take 20% of everything they earn for the rest

of their goddamn life.

My name is Ryan Skullface and I have my dream job.

Hey.

You know that, uh, sign in the bathroom

that says employees must wash hands?

Yeah.

Is that, like, a law or something?

I don't think so.

Cool.

But everybody should wash their hands.

I mean, in a perfect world, who would--

everyone would do a lot of different things, to be--

Admit it, Parker.

You broke into their homes and you killed them.

No.

OK?

You've got it all wrong.

I don't even know those people.

Oh, really?

Well, then why don't we let these photos jog your memory,

shall we?

Is that you?

That is--

That is you.

That's definitely you.

That's from my trip.

Yeah, can we get rid of that?

Cool, thank you.

And look at this one.

Whoever did this was sick, but it wasn't me.

You understand that we have evidence--

photographic evidence-- that puts

you right at the crime scene?

Hah.

That's you.

That's-- That is me on a trip.

The same trip or a different trip?

It was a different trip.

It's totally different trip.

OK, you know what?

Why don't you try to explain that?

Cut!

What is that?

That is my penis.

That is my penis on a trip.

Why do you even have hard copies of any of these?

Well, you can't put these kind of photos on your phone,

because of the cloud. - The cloud, the cloud.

- You can't trust the cloud. - We don't trust the--

- Right. - The cloud.

No, I know the cloud.

We have bloody footprints that match

your shoes, right at the scene.

Boom.

Dang it.

Why did you take this?

Who took it?

We asked the questions here, asshole.

Detective, a word.

When we put down a picture, we need

to look at it first, because it might be from one of our trips.

That should be the rule of thumb.

And that-- yeah, because we keep doing it.

And I feel like every time he sees--

Hey, hello.

You guys have nothing on me.

So can I go?

We got nothing on you?

Nothing on you?

We have phone records.

Your phone records.

Why don't you read this text conversation, right there?

Do you want to see some naked pictures of me and my friend?

That's from my phone.

I don't know what that's doing there.

Read this one, instead.

Let me come by and give you some naked pictures

of me and my friend.

I have a bunch of hard copies.

I don't trust the cloud.

Then they said, please stop texting me,

which I think is reasonable.

OK, you know what? I'm sorry.

I know we have evidence, somewhere.

This ridiculous. - We have evidence.

- I swear to god. - Look through the things.

I'm looking. Look.

That's from a trip.

That's from a trip.

That's from a trip.

That's one of your best, I would say, actually.

Oh, for sure, easy.

That was a good one.

- Thank you so much. - Look faster.

I'm looking. I'm trying my hardest

- 9 out of 10. - That was from a fun trip.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

I got that.

That's you, leaving one of the crime scenes

and dropping the key.

The same key that we have found in every one of these bodies.

Your calling card.

I just got mad.

You know, I just get mad.

And then when I get mad, I just become a monster, you know?

And I just can't control it.

It becomes one of--

Can you take a picture of me and my friend?

Any more than three pee stops and he's faking it.

Go on, give him a tug.

And most importantly, always remember to--

smile.

Your dog is everything.

Hello, Survivor.

How old is she?

Uh, she's three.

Oh, no, she's 12.

She's 12.

Oh, this is Regina.

Oh, I like your dog's scarf.

I made them.

Where do you get your scarves?

Oh, I get them second hand, from my dog, when she's ready.

Ah, nice meeting you.

You know, I actually know everyone in this neighborhood.

And I don't recognize your family.

And, of course, everyone knows Danessa.

Who's Danessa?

I am that.

So, tell me everything about your dog.

And anything particularly interesting, Tell.

Me twice

Yeah, you got it.

You-- he got it.

Oh, she's gifting us.

Ah, I don't need a plastic bag.

Mm, pick it up--

oop-- and I stick it in here.

Got to dump this soon.

It's been about a week.

Wow. OK, well you know what?

We're going to go.

He's training--

You know what?

Play date.

Dare I say play date?

Yeah, Regina hates every dog and she loves your dog,

We are not allowed to make dog dates.

I could give her chocolate.

I've got lots of chocolate in my purse.

It's not for dogs.

It's a terrible idea.

Why do you call them survivors?

Shh-- it is on your lips.

- What? - Whoa.

Your dog's missing

God damn it, Danessa.

Oh, well.

It is getting bright out here.

Ah.

Well, gentlemen, it's like the old saying goes--

can I have your dog?

I mean-- - No.

No.

We have to-- we really have to be going, now.

- OK. - That way.

- All right. - You'll go that way.

- Sure. - Thank you.

It was very nice meeting you.

So nice to meet you guys, as well.

All right, and you should probably go find your dog.

Oh, no.

I was headed this way.

Going to the dog park.

Got a gift for mommy?

What up, dude?

I'm Jamie. and this is the commentary track

for the worst guy at a party.

Look, I don't agree with this stupid title.

But now, at least I get a chance to defend myself.

Suckers.

What ethnicity are you guys?

Always good to ask questions when you're talking to chicks.

Also, I'm curious about possible non-whites.

Let me get that foam for you, brother.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Uh.

Just helped the homie out with a trick

he can use for the rest of his life,

which ends in marriage, bro.

Party people.

Right here, I knew the party needed to switch

to another gear, my gear.

You suck.

I got this.

This is my band, Phinger Bang, with a P-H. So boss.

Wow, crop dusting in 2014?

Uh, I mean, who would do that?

I did that.

And it got away scott-free.

Yeah.

Hey, cheers.

What?

Beer on the outside to match the beer on the inside.

Happens to all of us.

We good.

Glad to see cooler heads prevail.

That guy was a real hothead.

We good.

You suck.

This was scary for a minute.

Hi, honey.

Jamie, where are you?

You told your son that you would be home.

What?

I can't hear you right now.

I'm getting into an elevator, on the subway, ...

Yeah, by changing ...

Way to go.

Goodbye.

Yeah, party.

My song was fine.

Eventually, so you want to do sex?

No.

Don't worry, I'm already wearing a condom.

That's a lie I tell.

I never wear condoms.

Kick him out.

You should.

Brothers, I just pulled an epic upper-decker

in this dude's bathroom.

Poop and vomit in the toilet tank.

This is my party.

You're welcome.

And now, he's got a great story to tell.

Get out of here, dude.

Stay out.

And there you have it, another legendary party,

courtesy of this guy, Jamie, the guy version of that name.

OK I'm sorry but that was seriously

inappropriate lunchtime conversation.

Like I'm really freaked out now.

- I mean, it was so creepy. - It was.

It was. - What a weirdo?

- We should ask him about it. - Yeah, yeah.

- I'm going to ask him. - Do it.

Hey, Chris Colfer. Hi.

Hi, Blake. Hi, Candy.

Sit down.

At your guys table?

Yeah, but this one time.

This once.

So, yeah, Chris Colfer, why were you telling Tyler

the world is going to end?

That's strange.

I don't know, that-- that, I was just saying that some

people believe in the Mayan calendar

that predicts the world is going to end on December 26, 2012.

- Sorry, what's a Mayan? - What?

Oh, the Mayans were the Native inhabitants of Meso-America.

- Uh-huh. - So, yeah.

- Like Indians. - Oh, my God.

I love Indians.

Like that guy that works at the yoga place.

Oh, he's so cute

He's sexy, right?

Hey, did you know Kendra hooked

up with him at this party? - What?

- No, I know. - Stop, stop, stop.

No, no, no.

Because I heard from Sam, who heard from Hannah that he

brought his brother there or something really

random about Kendra and drank an entire bottle

of raspberry vodka because, she's like like--

Oh, she is .

And she, literally, like he had to fight her off.

Actually biggest ho bag.

Well, the Mayans covered the region called Meso-America.

According to their text, the core of the Earth

itself could explode causing every super volcano

in the world to erupt and choke the Earth in lava and ash.

So you're saying, we're all going

to get deep fried by a volcano?

How do you even know this stuff?

I don't know.

I read a lot of books.

And-- I actually wrote a book too, yeah.

"The Land of Stories-- the Wishing Spell,

coming out July 17.

Hey, but shut up for a second.

So the world is like seriously going to end?

Well, I mean not because of the Mayan calendar.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, I know.

It's a lot more likely the world will end because humanity

destroys itself

What?

Probably with one of those genetically

engineered super diseases.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

There are thousands of them out there.

They can eat through your organs like acid

and kill you in a matter of hours.

If one of these were to actually be released,

we wouldn't be able to digress fast enough.

Bodies would be piled in the streets.

And survivors would be left in such a devastated hellscape.

Who would actually envy the dead?

That sucks.

Well, I guess it's like that poster hanging up

in big ass room that says,

live every day to its fullest.

Yeah, sure, sure if you want, but at the end,

it doesn't really matter, because we're

all just specks of dust passing through our universe.

It doesn't really care about us at.

All existence is just chaos and then you die.

I don't want to die

I don't want to--

Anyway, I got to go to the library.

So please, have a copy of my book.

And I'll see you guys around.

It's been fun, thank you.

Oh, my god.

I know, we're going to die.

No, I mean, oh, my god.

Look at Teresa.

Could she stuff any more chicken fingers in her mouth right now?

Let's set her for Jenny Craig again.

Uh, I just bought a pogo stick online.

I didn't even have to talk to a human.

In 24 hours, I will be pogoing up a storm, man.

I'm just going to be like, pogo, pogo, pogo, bounce,

bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.

That's me.

That's what I'm going to be doing.

This is the future.

Technology is crazy.

Can you even imagine what lies ahead of us?

What could possibly be in store?

We're here to tell you about the future.

There's going to be flying cars, and floating buildings,

sex robots with human feelings.

There won't be cancer or disease,

but everyone has extra arms and legs.

The future.

Magic pills that make your hair grow fast.

Clothes made of paper and no one's one's fat.

Everybody flies with their own jet pack and no government

because Jesus came back.

The future.

You guys, what if instead of jetpacks,

there's a giant tube with wings that

hurtles you through the sky, and there'll be peanuts there.

You'll be able to sit-in a leather armchair

in a massive flying future too as you

travel to exotic destinations across the globe.

Rebecca, that's an amazing idea.

We're here to tell you about the future.

iPhone 35, I pre-ordered mine online.

TV on your eyelids.

Watch all your programs right on your eyelids.

This is the future.

This is the future.

We are here to tell you about the future.

They didn't say anything about pornography.