Original subtitles

Hi.

Are you Michael?

Yes, I am.

- Michael, how are you? - Good.

How are you? - Lenny.

Oh, my goodness.

Lenny, how are you?

I'm a little bit, like, starstruck right now.

Are you?

Oh, wait till they get underwhelmed

when I get in the car.

You've been married before.

Yes.

You we're in a relationship with a woman.

Yes.

Married to a woman and had how many kids?

Two children.

How old are they?

My son Michael just turned 29, and my son

Brandon will be 27 in July.

And two years younger than me.

How do you feel about the age difference?

I'm fine with it.

I bet you are.

Is living together a goal for you?

Yes.

Or you prefer it the way it is?

No, I prefer--

Be honest.

I prefer to marry him.

You were engaged?

Yes.

And you were engaged how long ago?

About three, four years ago.

And what happened?

We had some issues with infidelity on my part.

Because you're so beautiful people just

can't keep their hands off you.

Yeah, I guess we'll go with that.

Um, so we got into an argument, we broke up, we split.

I was in Atlantic City.

I was looking at the ring.

Had $50 up to my pocket.

Walked across the street.

You hocked the ring.

Hocked the ring.

How much you get for it?

$500. You got $500?

What?

How much did you pay for that ring?

How about more than $500.

You should know.

How much you pay for the ring?

It was close to $20,000.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I think we're done.

I feel terrible.

I know I think we're done too.

No, no. I'm kidding.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How does it make you feel now?

Terrible when you put it like that.

What did he buy with the $500?

What'd you do with the $500?

I gambled it.

No, come on.

We have a crew in the follow van They're,

like, convulsing right now.

Lenny's good at forgiving. - I am.

Yes, he is.

And he's kind, he's sweet.

Hold that thought.

Oh, I know her.

Hi.

Can I get a ride?

These are answers that Lenny gave,

and the two of you are going to play.

- OK. - OK.

And what we're going to do is that if we win,

we get to do whatever we want sexually to either one of you.

OK.

And if you--

I got a lot of ideas.

And if you win, you get a home version with matches.

If Lenny had his way, we'd have sex blank.

Greg, how many times do you like to have sex every day?

Well, what time is it now?

If Lenny had his way, we'd have sex blank.

You ready to reveal? - Yep.

Reveal.

Real rough.

Real rough.

I rode every day, three times a day.

Every day, three times a day.

Well, you're the winner because you got a question.

He said every day.

But, like, real rough, right?

Absolutely.

You're both right.

The engagement ring Lenny brought Michael is now blank.

Reveal.

Around a cat's neck.

Around a cat's neck.

On the fingers of a 55-year-old

woman from Tallahassee.

In five years, you two will be living in blank.

Reveal.

In bliss in South Florida.

In South Florida.

You wrote in sin.

I almost said that, I almost said that.

I felt it.

I'm going to call it a tie because that

was your second correct answer.

Yeah.

So what does the future hold for you two?

What I would like is for us to be married and be

living in Fort Lauderdale.

That's what I want.

What about you?

For me, I would like to be comfortable in my career

enough to bring an equal amount of money to the relationship

so that people can erase that stigma that I'm a gold digger.

I'd also like to be living in South Florida.

And I'd like to have about four more step grandkids.

And I just want to be happy in five years.

Can I tell you something?

Yeah.

You guys need to get down to Fort Lauderdale.

Yeah. Life is short.

Yeah. Life is short.

Mm-hmm.

We still have plenty of time, but none to waste.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

None to waste. So get going.

OK, thank you.

I thank you guys.

You guys are great. - It was a pleasure meeting you.

Thank you. Great experience.

Nice meeting you guys.

Very nice to meet you as well.

Let's get out of here.

.

Let's go to AC right now.

Find that ring.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that idiot.

Oh, but seriously though, congratulations man.

You did it.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

I tried to work with that flyer guy.

Turns out he was just looking for some,

like, weird, like, super gay sex.

Like, super ,, super felting, and super docking.

Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away.

So I went about it the way I should have from the start.

I went down to the superhero council.

Applied.

They accepted me.

I guess there's a real shortage of superheroes these days,

my friends.

But all kidding aside, I'm going to be the best.

I'm going to be the best superhero

this world's ever seen.

I mean, you'll be killed instantly.

Probably, yeah.

Probably.

Congratulations.

You deserve this.

You're going to make a great hero,

and I wish you all the best.

So did they assign you a sidekick yet?

Hey, Ben balls.

These ladies you talking about?

I know that's not true.

I'm JK, and you guys are guys because you got

dingle dongs in the bingo fong.

Yeah, I'm the instigator.

Hi.

I'm half man, half crocodile.

Total pain in the ass.

Wait, why do they call you the instigator

if you're half crocodile?

Shouldn't you be called the insto-dial or some shit?

It's part of my power, bro.

Everything about me is totally annoying.

What in God's name?

Oh, I got this catchphrase that I thought up

in the cab over here.

It's called it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

You like that?

I put a little slap in there.

Hey, Blujay, can I talk to you for a second?

I know.

Hold out.

Hold out.

You can find a better sidekick.

I know this guy's the shittiest,

but you guys got to look at this from my perspective.

I finally get this shot.

I can't quit now.

Yeah, you know, now that you're a hero,

technically, you can't--

Shit, that's right.

I guess that's true, huh?

I guess I'm not allowed to have a drink at the old sidecar

anymore.

Unless, of course, you'd make an exception for a regular,

an old friend and--

No, no.

I can't serve you anymore.

Yeah, sorry, bro.

Really that--

Yes.

OK.

Well, then just wish me luck because tonight,

the world's going to witness a hero's first flight.

It doesn't matter.

Not exactly witness it, right?

You'll be invisible.

Come on.

Let me have this.

Sorry, man. Good luck, man.

Break a leg.

Yeah, you're going to do it Blu-ray.

- Go for it. - Blujay.

Blujay.

Shit, I was probably bad.

He's a good friend.

Right?

I know.

Evening, everybody.

Norm.

Norm man.

Blujay's dead.

It's broken.

Hey, everyone.

Welcome to the first episode of the first season of "Wingmen."

I'm here with my wingman Ford.

And I'm here with my wingman Matt.

And this is a show where we eat wings, talk about wings.

And talk about the issues of the day sometimes.

Sometimes.

Mm-hmm.

Why don't we take a big bite?

Mm.

That's a good wing.

It's a good wing.

Mm-hmm.

We're very lucky today because we have a guest on, Nathan

Min, who also likes wings.

Yeah.

Hello.

It's great to be here on the "Wingmen."

Thanks so much for joining us.

Yeah, we're really happy to have you.

And please, by all means, that's why they're here.

Wings are to share.

Mm-hmm.

So we're going to introduce our main topic of the day

which is, is wings a meal?

The reason we bring it up is because a lot of people

put wings in the appetizer section of the menu.

I would say almost exclusively.

Yeah.

I'd say every restaurant I've been

to it's been in the app section, unless it's a wing-specific

restaurant.

And usually, I would say an appetizer

is not considered a meal.

How many wings do you say do you have to eat for it to be

a meal?

Because if we're talking three wings, clearly not a meal,

right? No, not even close.

No one can have three wings as a meal.

So there's definitely a cutoff point when the wings go from--

App to meal.

Yeah.

Where is that divider line?

Right.

It's hard to say, but--

Do you think it's a personal preference

or do you think there's a universal truth?

I think there is a range in which

most human beings fall into.

Yeah.

But if you look at--

excuse me for not talking about wings for a second.

Permission granted.

Cousin of the wing, the chicken nugget,

they come in groups of four six, 10, or 20.

Uh-huh.

So I would say around the middle there.

Around eight, six to 10 wings would be the perfect meal.

OK.

I think that's about what I was thinking.

That's a little on the low range for me

if I'm going to have them as my meal.

I think I'm going to have to go minimum, eight to 10

or eight to 12, if I want to go, I'm

full, at the end of that meal.

But I would say the cutoff from app to main

is probably around five.

Yeah.

If I have four wings, I'm going to be

like, that was a big appetizer.

If I have more, I'm like, now this is a second meal.

Yeah.

1.2 billion chicken wings are eaten

just on Super Bowl Sunday.

You said billion with a b?

Yeah, in America.

That's an unimaginably large number.

Yeah.

Do you know how big the bone bucket is for all those wings?

Yeah.

It's like a Hoover Dam-level bone bucket.

I've never been to the Hoover Dam.

But if they filled it with buffalo wing bones,

I would definitely go immediately.

Yeah.

I would like it if they coated the side of the dam

with, like, wing sauce.

Yeah.

And they let wings roll down.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

So this next part of the show is called wingpression.

That's when someone does an impression of someone

involving buffalo wings.

Yeah.

So Nathan, you have a wingpression prepared?

Yeah.

I think I'm going to do an impression of the president.

OK.

Obama.

And he will be-- he'll be ordering wings.

Will one of you play the person at the register

at the wing place?

Of course.

Um, are you ready?

I'm ready.

OK.

Hi there.

Welcome to wing dings.

What can I get you?

Let me get 15 buffalo wings.

Absolutely.

What spiciness level do you want?

I want-- I want two mild wings,

one barbecue, three habanero.

Mm-hmm.

Let me get five spicy ones.

Mm-hmm.

How spicy are these spicy ones?

It's one above hot, but it's one below crazy.

Let's not go crazy.

Let's go with the hot.

OK.

And how many was that so far?

You have four more.

Let's just go no sauce on the four.

Naked wings?

Naked wings.

OK.

Is that it?

That's it for me.

Great.

And I just have a quick question.

Are you the president?

Yes.

- End scene. - Great.

I think that was a great wingpression.

- That was great. - It was really good.

- That was really good. - Yeah.

So we have another segment on this show.

And this is called bone bucket or just the meat.

And what we're going to do is we're

going to put a variety of topics, items, concepts to you,

Nathan.

And you're going to answer bone bucket or just the meat.

Isis.

Bone bucket.

My sis.

Just the meat.

Ice cream.

Just the meat.

You scream.

Just the meat.

"Scream 2."

Just the meat.

Babies.

Just the meat.

Dunk contest.

Bone bucket.

Jeb Bush.

Bone bucket.

Kissing couples.

Just the meat.

Climate change.

Bone bucket.

The TV show "Bones."

Bone bucket.

The TV show "Winx."

Just the meat.

The band Wings.

Just the meat.

The song Bad To The Bone.

Just the meat.

When people say, beat your meat.

Bone bucket.

Throwing up.

Bone bucket.

Throwing down.

Just the meat.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Just the meat.

USB hard drives.

Just the meat.

Cloud storage.

Just the meat.

1080p.

Bone bucket.

Bluetooth sinking.

Just the meat.

VPN private network.

Bone bucket.

Beats by Dre.

Bone bucket.

Paul Blart.

Bone bucket.

"It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world."

That movie was too long.

Bone bucket.

You're not allowed to say anything other than just

the meat and bone bucket. - Yeah, you can't say anything.

The only thing you can say is just the meat or bone bucket.

You-- you got actually all the way up to the last question

and then you violated the rule.

Yeah.

You fucked up.

Can we do the last one?

No, we have to start from the top.

OK.

Isis.

Bone bucket.

My sis.

Just the meat.

Ice cream.

Just the meat.

You scream.

Just the meat.

"Scream 2."

Just the meat.

Nathan, thank you so much for playing

bone bucket and just the meat.

Yeah, you got them all right.

Yeah.

Every single one you got was correct.

- That was a great job. - Amazing.

Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, good job.

And you've never played before, which is amazing.

All right, so the last thing we have to cover for today

is just going over how many wings you crush.

How many wings you crush?

This is my fifth one.

OK.

This is my sixth swing.

I think this is my sixth wing.

Well, good job, everybody.

Yeah, good job.

We crushed a lot of wings.

Yeah.

Is this seat taken, guys?

Not at all, not at all.

Oh, wow.

It is packed, huh?

This is nothing.

You should have been here for the East Lake game in '98.

Now that was a crowd.

Kenneth here was King of the Court.

Oh, you guys went here, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Proud Cougar '95 to '99.

State champs in '98.

I was there.

I saw it.

Won that game, cut down that net, and the crowd

was going crazy.

I was there.

I saw it.

Then I walked right off the court and fingered

the Gillette right underneath

these very bleachers.

Yeah, I was there and I saw it.

Now that was real basketball.

Playing hard and fingered hard.

OK, I don't know if this is an appropriate--

Hey, you've got a kid on the court?

Yeah, actually.

He's right over there.

It's his first varsity game.

He's a freshman.

Now look at that.

I remember my first game my freshman year.

I was a scoring machine, scoring all night long.

Yeah, maybe your kid will get lucky tonight,

huh, just like Kenny.

I don't know if you guys are talking about basketball or sex

right now.

Man, back when we were banging,

sex was basketball and basketball was sex.

It's just it was.

Owee, I was so sweaty.

And I drove it right to the hole.

Oh, yeah.

Kenny played so hard.

And I watched him and I played with myself.

Yeah.

Well, glory days, I guess.

You want to hear about glory days.

December '99, we beat North Side by 30 points.

Walked right off that court straight into a bathroom stall,

stuck my dick inside of a hole and got it anonymously

sunk by some hot chick.

Man, I got that beat that same game.

I walked off the court.

I walked into a different bathroom stall,

and some hot chick puts her dick through a hole in the wall.

And I suck off that hot chick anonymously.

Glory days.

OK.

It just kind of, sounds like you guys were on both sides

of that glory hole.

Uh, yeah.

That's why they're called the glory days.

Man, I miss basketball.

Ever since I got married, no basketball.

Oh, yeah.

Ken's wife's always too tired for basketball.

At least I can play basketball with myself in the shower.

I'm not ashamed to admit I have paid for basketball.

Oh, not me.

But I watch a lot of basketball on the internet.

Weird stuff too.

Grannies playing basketball, little people

playing basketball, even people playing

basketball with animals.

Ain't no rules says a dog can't play basketball.

OK, I'm going to find another seat.

Time out Cougars.

Sorry.

Man, when are these players going

to stop bouncing that weird orange ball up and down

and just start fucking each other?

Hi, I'm Jim Norton.

You probably don't know me, but I'm playing caption this

with Above Average.

This was-- I wanted--

This is called look like a crime victim.

I wasn't exactly sure how I could

walk through the streets in New York

and possibly get my head kicked in.

So I put this shirt on, and I said that's not enough.

Do that, and it worked.

I was attacked before I left the building.

Wow.

I don't even know who this is, but this is called perform

on a Christmas tree.

How do I not recognize Jim Carrey?

It's the creepy beard and the fact

that he's spitting out green and red ribbon.

So I don't know exactly what he was eating.

I imagine it was a person.

Hashtag #WhoDoesn'tRecognizeJimCarrey.

Very clever wordplay.

We're doing Jims.

This is a gym.

And it really stumped me.

That's-- I'm only 49.

Why would I get it immediately?

Why are they all on treadmills?

I don't know, stupid.

Because it's gym.

Well, I guess the hashtag could be #ThreeGreatFuckedOnHer.

Wow.

So not only do I not recognize Jim Carrey,

I don't recognize Jesus.

Jim Caviezel, who was in "The Passion of the Christ."

Then again, he wasn't exactly doing this

in "The Passion of the Christ."

You know, hey, can I get a shout out for Mary Magdalene?

So why would I recognize him doing this?

Hashtag #You'reGoingToGe tMoreFuckedIfYouKeepTheBeard.

Well, we're apparently running out of Jims.

We've already hit equinox.

And now, it's just Jim from "The Office."

What can I say about "The Office" other than the fact

I've only seen one episode.

I'm more of a British office guy.

Hashtag #IDon'tWatchTheAmericanShit.

Jimmy Smits.

Oh, that's a really attractive look.

I don't know what he's clapping for.

I'm guessing it's a sporting event.

But when your knees are up, never applaud.

That's the thing.

Do this.

Never clap at normal level when knees are up.

Don't ever do this again.

You look stupid.

Jimmy Eat World.

I don't know anything about Jimmy Eat World.

All I know is they made me feel old because they

were after my generation.

So certain bands that came on to MTV as I got older,

I wouldn't really watch because then they start to age you.

So hashtag #ThanksForNothingGuys.

I feel mortal and old, and I'm going to die.

Oh, here it is.

I was watching Sam Roberts and Ricky Bond

while I sit over there looking lonely and stupid.

Come on, guys.

I loved your base.

We've interviewed him many times.

So I guess the hashtag would be #SitCloserToRick

yStupidYouLookLikeAnOutsider.

Hey, Benjamin.

Hey, Tim.

Did you meet my cousin Jake at that barbecue last summer?

- The programmer? - Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

He was on the evening news last week.

Cool.

What for?

He was shot and killed.

There's cake in the break room.