Original subtitles

Oh, I love it when you speak Italian.

God, I really like you.

I really like you.

It sucks.

I have to tell you something.

I'm a liar.

Wait, what?

I'm a liar.

Don't worry.

It's not sexually transmitted.

I was born with it, but there's no treatment.

So I have to lie a lot.

Wait, so you're a pathological liar?

I have HTL.

Have to lie.

Yeah, it's when the truth is inconvenient,

so I have to lie to make life easier.

That sounds really dumb.

One second.

Are you--

Hello?

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I definitely want to hear about that.

OK.

OK, well, you have to come back later.

I'm at work.

Bye bye.

Sorry, that was my mom.

She--

That was not your mom.

Oh, my God, I just had an attack.

Of HTL?

It took me, yeah.

I think you're just using this disease to hide the fact

that you're an asshole.

You probably know somebody on the RRWTL spectrum.

What is RRWTL?

Really, really want to lie.

Oh my God

Look, I know I'm throwing a lot of technical stuff at you.

No, you have not said one thing

that's even remotely technical.

Oncology doctors are studying my symptoms right now--

Oncology doctors study cancer.

at the Mayo Clinic in Washington DC.

There's no Mayo clinic in Washington DC.

Oliver Sacks is writing a book.

Oliver Sacks is very dead.

It's called lying-a-phelia.

That is the worst fake title I've ever heard in my life.

It's called awakenings.

No.

Oh, my God, I just had another string of attacks.

It must've been brought on by the stress

of this conversation.

Also, most people don't know where the Mayo

Clinic is, so good for you.

You're disgusting.

Can you at least be a li-ally here?

Is that a combination of liar and ally?

No.

Yes, it is.

OK, can I call you next week.

Please don't.

Just one drink.

I have, like, family in town and stuff.

Oh, my God.

That wasn't true.

I'm a liar.

Well, you have been your whole life.

Now you know.

I lie, like, all the time.

It's OK.

You can't control it.

Living with H--

OK, since we're, kind of, being honest,

earlier, I was lying when I said that I came.

It's fine.

I don't care, OK?

Because you suffer from the same disease?

No, because I don't care if you cum.

Oh, Mr. Alan Alda.

Sir-- no, I'm good.

I'll stop.

I'm going to stop doing this, but I--

Hello. How are you?

Nice to meet you. - Yeah.

I'm Rob King. I'm your biggest fan.

It's-- - Oh, very nice.

- This is-- - You got my book.

- I just read it, and-- - It's so nice to hear.

Yeah, I understood most of it.

Oh.

It's about communicating, and I--

I need help.

Can I-- Can I ask you some questions?

- I-- I have a-- - Yeah, no.

rehearsal.

Oh, great.

Cool, I'll just rifle through these.

You said you wrote this book to help people understand

how to communicate better.

What's the key to communicating with someone

that's not as smart as you are?

Someone who's not as smart as you are?

Yeah.

Well, to meet them where they are,

you want to see what they do understand

and what they care about.

What do you care about in terms of communication?

Like, who do you want to communicate with?

I was just hoping you--

I just-- now. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Well, that's good.

- OK. - So just listen.

- Hello. - Hey.

Hey, we-- - Sorry.

- We did it. - Yeah.

That was--

That was fantastic, wasn't it?

It felt magical inside my body.

Yeah. Well, that's great.

Yeah.

So I have--

I have a--

Regarding head versus heart communication.

Yeah, I talked about that in the book.

What do I do when my head is telling me to play it cool,

but my heart just wants to give the person across me a hug?

I think it would be good to know who the person is

and if they want a hug.

It's hypothetical.

Say, it's you?

I don't do much hugging.

Yeah.

I have to, like, know the person pretty well,

so I hope you don't mind. - No.

No, no, no, no, I mean--

- I mean, nothing personal. - Sure.

Sure.

You would-- you need at least five,

six minutes to know someone.

Maybe a little more.

Yeah, OK.

Just not a lot more.

Sure, we'll check back at 10:00.

We'll check back 10:00. - OK.

OK.

Do you have to be smart to seem smart?

I think so.

OK.

Definite?

But I would say yes.

I mean, probably.

You could be smart and not seem smart.

Maybe that's it?

Maybe that's it, you know.

So I think the rehearsal is going to start now.

Yeah, so I guess hug, I guess, now--

still?

- I don't-- - Yeah.

I don't hug much. I'm sorry.

Yeah.

No, that's fine.

One final question?

How can I get out of a conversation with someone?

Like, if I'm at a party, and they kind of trap me.

I don't want to be talking to them,

but I don't want to know how to say it.

And they don't understand any of my verbal cues

or my nonverbal cues, and they keep talking about themselves.

And the question goes on and on, and it's

like three questions at once.

And, like, maybe it's about their hair

or maybe it's about fashion.

And I don't care about fashion.

And like, all I want to do is--

Mr. Al-- Oh, OK.

A beloved houseplant disappears

from outside its apartment.

I came back, and it was gone.

Was this plant the victim of foul play

or did it simply make like a tree and abscond?

Is he alive?

Is he happy?

Is he getting adequate, partial sunlight?

Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear through the thin white walls.

Saturday, August 10, 2014,

a three-year-old ficus plant runs errands with its owner,

Elizabeth.

Liz places the plant on the sidewalk

while she parks her car.

My parking space is in the back of the building,

and I didn't want to have to walk all

the way around to the front.

When I came back--

I remember I got this very frantic call from Liz.

Is Ben with you?

Ben is what she named the plant.

I said, no, why?

What's going on?

That's when I got spooked.

I told her to calm down.

Maybe it was a mistake.

Ben will be back.

The next day, still no sign of Ben.

Liz contacts Bill Watts, security

for the apartment building.

So it's Sunday afternoon, and I get a page--

911.

Yes, a page.

So I asked Bill, is there anything we can do?

So that's when we checked the cameras.

Liz and Bill discover the cameras

are mere facsimiles.

Four years on the job, nobody has ever

asked to check the cameras.

Got a good deal on them.

Desperate for answers, Liz assembles her roommates.

We put together a search party, looked for clues,

walked around.

Then a break.

Eric finds what appears to be potting soil.

So I saw this spot on the sidewalk,

and we decided to send Andrew over to touch it.

Later, tests conclude the spot was, in fact, feces.

It was shit.

After that, the lead's dried up.

I got Ben as a gift.

We've been together a long time.

Unless you've had a plant, I don't

think you could understand.

I love that plant.

We had a lot of fun together.

Times were good.

But there was a darkness.

Sure, we had problems like anyone that owns a plant.

I don't really even know exactly what I saw.

I took my Croc off, and I was walking

through the apartment barefoot.

I nailed my toe right on his pot.

She was-- she was screaming at it.

And I was like, ow, Ben.

I mean, really, really screaming.

You stupid, piece of shit.

I hate you.

You're not my real son.

It's hard not knowing.

Did somebody take him?

I think it could have been the 104th street perps.

I mean, how can you really know what

a plant is thinking, right?

Maybe it just took off.

I wonder, sometimes, is Ben still alive?

I wish I didn't have those thoughts.

Two years have passed since Ben, the house plant,

went missing.

Today, Liz has a new plant.

I got Laura for my birthday, and she's--

she's really great.

But just because I have this new love in my life,

it doesn't mean that I'm just, like,

giving up my hope for Ben.

If you have any information on the whereabouts

of Ben the ficus, please page Bill Watts of Park

Stone Apartment Security.

Yes, page him.

You're joining us live at a ding dong ditch in progress.

Is Waco Valley's new playground too safe?

Local van owners say yes.

Monkey see, monkey don't?

Stay tuned.

Lon Johnson here at Chubb's park pool for Channel 4 Waco Valley.

With me to discuss the recent heat wave

is Waco Valley Mayor Aldis Hunnicutt.

Mayor, any thoughts on what people

can do to escape the heat?

I'm hungry.

I left my hot dog in the car.

And now, my tummy is grumbling.

All right, cut.

Can somebody get the mayor his hot dog from his car?

It is probably too hot now.

No, hot dogs don't get too hot, sir.

It's a red hot dog with mustard.

Whatever hot dog is back there, I'm sure it's fine.

No, because there's a few.

OK, get the one with mustard, the red hot dog with mustard.

Yeah.

Cause they're not all buying.

Oh, man, the public pool.

- Don't do that. - Everyone in--

- Please stop that. - in Waco Valley--

- No, I know. - is here.

- Don't do that. - Sunshine, water--

It's very abrupt.

towels, swimming.

- Please finish the sentence. - You don't--

- Just stop. - understand.

- No, I got it. - It's the place--

- Just be calm. - to be.

- Just enjoy it. - Anyone?

- I know. - Who's anyone?

I understand.

Don't get too crazy. - I'm going to swim.

I'm out. - It's simple.

Why are you like this?

All right, let's do this.

Georgia?

Georgia, it is you.

Sorry?

I think you have me confused with maybe someone.

Bernard said you passed away last week.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, I'm not.

But you're alive.

Ladies, it's Georgia.

She's still alive.

Oh, Georgia, it's you.

Look at her.

We heard you were dead.

Give us a kiss.

Who am I, really?

Details at 11:00.

Will this heat wave ever break?

Sarcastic weatherman say, no, it'll be hot forever.

Excuse me, I can't find my mommy.

Oh, sure, let's see.

OK, I--

That's enough touching right there, pedo.

Oh. Oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

I know your type.

First, it's, the hand on the shoulder.

Then, it's let's get some ice cream.

It's hot out.

The ice cream melts, and then, bam,

you're licking it off his fat, little naked, delicious body.

He does do that.

No, listen, this kid is lost.

I'm just helping him find his family.

Is that what you want to do SA?

Lap up melty ice cream off this beautiful little brown boy?

Lap, lap, lap.

Lick him back, dude.

Come on, little guy.

Let's get you in your wet caramel skin

away from this creep.

Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

And now, for a few retractions,

global warming not garbage science.

Hitler was not an OK guy who was just misunderstood.

Davy Crockett not totally

like a mayonnaise flocking to after all.

Wow, what a day--

- Stop it. - at the pool.

- Stop it. - I can't--

- Stop that. - believe--

Just--

how fun that was.

stop, would you?

Craig, did you grab that towel?

Oh, that's Georgia.

I'm helping her fake her death.

Y'all know how to boost a car?

Do you have a drug problem?

Is your drug problem that your drug addiction

is costing you too much money?

Well, we have a solution for you.

Just come on down to the Discount Drug Warehouse.

Drugs, drugs, drugs, rocks.

We've got tons of the stuff, literal tons,

which we measure in kilos down at the Discount Drug Warehouse.

We got cocaine.

And that's not all.

We've got weed, speed, uppers, downers, poppers, pumpers,

jumpers, jammies, and sanka.

Just listen to the satisfied customer.

Thanks to the Discount Drug Warehouse,

I bought a whole ounce of liquid PCP

and still had money to pay my bill.

So I bought some more PCP.

those bills.

At Discount Drug Warehouse, I always leave with a smile

on my face because of the drug.

Just listen to those testimonials.

Oh, not testimonials.

What is it?

Oh, yes, just snorting.

So if you need some drugs and you're not a cop,

come on out of the Discount Drug Warehouse.

If you don't know where it is, ask someone who does.

We got discounts beyond your wildest hallucinations.

Mom, mom, mom.

Play the song.

Offers available while supplies last.

So you guys are a boy band, right?

No.

No.

But at least one of you escaped from a boy band?

Kind of looking at you, Dan.

My name's Janessa Slater, and I'm a media coach.

She's helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

So did you guys all made at Hogwarts?

You know that's not a real place.

OK, well, you guys don't really seem like real people

to me.

Thanks.

More seemed like a bunch of lads, cartoon lads.

So here's a question for you, guys.

If you have, like, a sold out show, OK,

and all these people are waiting outside of the concert venue.

And then, all of a sudden, the doors open, everybody

runs in, what would you call that?

Would you call it the storming of the best deal?

The storming of the best deal.

It was a long--

To get to that.

Was that a punch line? - Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Too long, and it was too bad.

Just the combination of the two was--

Well, why don't you come up with a better

joke, Jerry Seinfeld?

Oh, wait, you're not him.

Neither are you.

Is Louis CK over here?

Then, you know, oh, it's--

I don't know, Pryor.

Pryor's dead.

And I'm sad about that.

Sucks.

So Dan, you've said that your hair is influenced

by David Lynch and Eraserhead.

But, to me, it looks more like it

was influenced by kid and play.

Oh, thanks, I'm not sure what that is, but thank you.

Well, regardless, I think your hair is really great.

Your-- your is nice, too.

Oh, thank you.

Are we done?

Are we done?

No, no, no, no, no, don't go.

Don't go.

Thank you.

So in the video, for your song "Pompeii," Dan

is running around LA, and he keeps seeing

people with black demonize.

So I'm just wondering how that's different from any other day

in LA?

I see that's--

That was quite good one.

I actually have a lot of New York versus LA material.

I've been, kind of, trying it out during open mics.

- Can we-- can we hear? - Oh, cool.

No kidding.

Could you say some?

Come on.

I'm shy.

So I've seen a lot of different short videos

on the web of you guys, kind of, documenting your tour,

like on YouTube.

And I'm just wondering if you guys think

it's a good idea to be participating in, like,

silly little web videos?

Because I feel like those can be career killers, OK?

I can see now why you might say that, yeah.

I'm here to help.

Sound advice for all of us.

I was fulfilling my dream of living by myself in New York

City, then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job and my short husband

to come move to New York City, teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're Livin' in the City.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

The best part of my day is when

I can just go in the bathroom and eat by myself.

Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery, please?

One executive salad and a seltzer, please?

Where are you ordering from?

Hold on just for one second.

Where are you ordering from?

The Salad Place.

Oh, sorry.

I want something.

Didn't you just have lunch?

Don't spy on me.

Actually, I would like something else.

What do they have?

Salad.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to them.

I'm getting you a salad.

Two executive salad, please.

No. No.

Order cancelled.

No order.

Thank you.

I just had a salad for lunch.

That's why I'm brushing my teeth, stupid.

Sorry.

Also, somebody stole my toothbrush.

This one's yours.

Don't dig stuff out of the trash.

What if the phone rings?

Get a new phone.

You two have been paying a little too much attention to me

today.

Were the camera crew.

It's our job.

OK, two guys corner me in the--

against a brick wall, and they just want to talk.

Bell's out for 10 minutes if you guys want to make stinky.

Westworld.

I'm so excited.

What happened season one?

Here are eight videos explaining it.

They all disagree with each other.

Wow, everything is confusing.

Bernard is a robot?

Yes, everyone's a robot, except that Harris, I think.

This show is good.

Just give it a second.

It's good.

Oh, my God, Dolores, you are creeping me.

Out with those dog eyes.

Do you have to murder everyone?

Murder everyone, Dolores.

They wronged you.

Oh, my God, they're still in different timelines.

Oh, man, my friends on Reddit are going to love this.

Did you kept watching without me?

Maeve you've just got reunited with her daughter.

Oh, no.

Who was Maeve again?

Oh, OK, you either watch Westworld or you don't.

And that's it, I'm done.

And I am done with this show.

I am done with--

Ed Harris, you cannot be killed.

Oh.

Man, somebody give Marcyn an Emmy.

Can we get Marcyn out of here, please?

I get that's how your program, but you

are the dumbest character.

Anthony Hopkins is back?

Wait, does that make sense?

I can make it--

I can make sense, yeah.

You watch this every week?

You shut up, I love this show.

Suffering is what makes us human, but come on, let's speed

up this final robot takeover.

Slow down.

Why is everything happening so fast?

Oh, it was Ford's plan the whole time.

That means the hosts are going to be--

Arnold one of them--

wow.

Wait, was that good?