All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S04E06.Thats.How.Im.Getting.Out.My.Frustrations.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

You are out of
your mind, my friend.

R2 is the hero and
C-3PO is the sidekick.

You are just saying insane
things to me right now.

Yeah, just because he's
taller, that doesn't mean

he's automatically the hero.

I hate how people insist on
equating height with status.

All I'm saying is that
when shit goes down,

the first one you're
going to look to is 3PO.

Yeah, and then
C-3PO go running

home crying like
the little, fucking

protocol droid that he is.

And R2 will save the day
like a fucking champion

because that's what he is.

And he'll also do it in a
lighthearted and humorous way.

Exactly, which is
why he's the sidekick.

You just blew my brick mind.

You guys want to play
heroes and sidekicks,

loser buys shots?

I'm in.

All right, how
'bout Mick and Keith?

Come on, man.

Mick is hero, Keith is sidekick.

Stop busting my balls.

How about Diane Sawyer
and Barbara Walters?

Sawyer, hero.

Walter, sidekick.

Yeah, me too.

They'd both kick
your ass though.

Hell, yeah.

Sawyer got that ass.

I'd let her back that thing up.

Russell Crowe and
Tommy Lee Jones.

Whoa, that is a good one.

Yeah, I mean, Crowe is a hero.

That's who he plays,
that's what he is in life.

You know, it's what he does.

But Tommy Lee Jones, he's
all grizzled and bad ass.

I don't know if he's
kicking for anybody.

Lee Jones ain't
feeling that shit.

Tommy Lee Jones is like
a human Toyota Tundra, man.

That guy's got the biggest
payload in the business.

But gun to my head, I'm
saying Crowe is sidekick

and Lee Jones is hero.

That's what I'm going with.

How about Emilio Estevez and
Captain "Sully" Sullenberger?

Estevez, hero.
Sully, sidekick.

Don't even finish, man.

Estevez, hero to
anybody's sidekick.

Estevez.

Yeah, that's correct.

Bert and Ernie?

It's a trick question.

Friendship's the
hero in that one.

How 'bout Martin
Lawrence and Steve Zahn?

Unanswerable.

Damn, ,,
that's too close to call.

Zahn till I'm gone.

What's so funny?

You two.

Who's the hero,
who's the sidekick?

I'd be the hero.

I'll be the hero.

And he'd be the sidekick.

Oh, yeah.

Look, Blue Jay, I'm sorry.

You're kidding yourself.

You don't even have a power.

You give hairline
fractures, man.

I fly.

Nobody's ever seen you fly.

Yeah, cause I turn
invisible when I do.

That's bullshit.

Fracture's sidekicked
for some of the best

heroes in the business, man.

I mean, Octopus PhD--

Mr. Pippi.

Officer Face Plant.

The Horny Dentist.

Captain Weed Cigarette.

Uncle Kisses.

Stupid Legs.

Son of Pac Man.

Mr. Pippi.

Did we say Mr. Pippi already?

I sidekick for Wimpy MacLeod.

Wimpy MacLeod killed himself.

Let's face it, man.

You would be the sidekick.

I could be a hero.

I can-- I could be a he--

I can be--

I'm a hero!

I'm a hero!

You know I--

I still talk to Mr. Pippi.

- Oh, no way.
- Yeah.

How's he doing, good?

He's good.

He lives up in the Berkshires.

Oh, no way.

He married that
girl, the, um--

Mrs. Pippi?

Yeah.

Wow, that worked out well.

Six months ago, a virus
spread across the Earth turning

20% of humans into puppets.

My name's Matt.

And I'm one of them.

Every puppet faces
their own challenge.

Mine is high school.

Matt.

Oh, um, hey, Claire.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping
to watch a movie

since I'm at a movie theater.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what
I'm pretty much gonna do too.

You alone?

Well, currently I am.

But I'm meeting Bradley.

Cool.

And a couple girls from
his modern dance group.

Bradley's in a dance class?

Hey, Matt!

So this is Wendy, my date.

Hey.

And this is Tammy,
the girl who is going

to be sitting next to you.

And, uh, you know, we'll just--
we'll-- we'll see how it goes,

OK?

Hey, good to meet you, Tammy.

Yummy.

Excuse me?

I made this dress out
of a tablecloth, so--

Oh, neat.

Yeah, I read
online that a horse

got decapitated while they
were making this movie.

Wow, I'm going to go
grab us some snacks.

Oh, no, thanks.

I have tomato soup in my purse.

Attention, please, everyone.

May I have your
attention, please.

Before the feature
presentation, there will be

a very special preview tonight.

This preview is my balls!

Oh.

Enjoy.

I just saw a penis.

Yeah, he says balls, but
you end up seeing everything,

Uh, I hope I see another one
tonight, but a different one.

Tonight.

Hey, Matt, isn't
that your sister?

Hey, my name is Sarah.

Hey, Sarah.
I'm Doug.

Yeah, I think so.

Hey, Matt, do you
want some popcorn?

No, I'm good.

Tammy here has some soup.

Hi, Tammy, I'm Claire.

Uh-huh, why do you keep
talking to that weird girl?

That's the first
time I've talked

to her since you got here.

Well, she seems
absolutely crazy.

She's my friend.

Attention, please.

May I please have
your attention.

Will the owner of a blue
Toyota Corolla hatchback

parked out front please direct
your eyeballs to my balls.

Eww.

That one didn't
even make sense.

Can you be at my house
tomorrow at 5 o'clock

for dinner?

Why?

Yeah, and don't dress as
sexy as you are right now.

My mom always steals
my boyfriends.

Attention, please, everyone.

Eyes to the front.

There have been
several announcements

tonight concerning my dick.

This is not one of them.

But the fire marshal
has asked me to present

a brief safety demonstration.

This presentation is--

Why do you keep looking
at that crazy girl

instead of me, your date?

Do you like her?

Why don't you just ask her out?

Oh, this is so much
better than my balls.

Go on, you chicken.

Stop sitting there, hemming, and
hawing, staring like an idiot.

Ask her out.

Get it over with.

Ask her out.

She's right, Claire.

This girl that I just met that
has soup in her purse is right.

It's Tammy.

I've liked you
forever, ever since I

ate your crayons in
kindergarten and then got sick

and threw up on you.
- Ooh.

You said you didn't
mind because it

made your dress look prettier.

You're the coolest
girl I know, Claire.

Yes, I know I have the virus.

I'm a puppet.

And that sucks.

But it took me a
long time to realize,

I'm still the same
person inside.

I'm still Matt Summers.

And I'm still the guy with a
major crush on his best friend,

the prettiest girl in school.

Claire, I don't know
where this will end up,

but will you go out with me
so we can find out together?

Huh?

Hey, my little brother.

Yeah, uh, oh--
OK.

OK, fine.

Yeah.

I wanted you to
come here because I

wanted to say that I was sorry
for all the years of, uh--

The drinking?

Can I say it?

The drinking, and for not
really supporting your dreams

of being a writer, man.

Thank you, Darnell.

What's-- what's that?

Uh, this is a
movie that I wrote.

And I'm actually going to do
a little table read with some

of my friends after this.

It's about us, right?

Not really, no.

Sex aliens?

Josh, you're telling
me this isn't about us?

Come on, man.

Admit it.

i hurt you.

I'm not afraid to admit that.

But this is not about us.

Interior spaceship
in space, an alien

named Sonar turns to another
alien named Janet Jackson.

I'm not saying I'm
attracted to you,

but I'm not not
attracted to you.

Come on, man.

Sonar is me.

How'd you get that out
of what you just read?

Josh, what are my
two favorite things?

Uh--

Laser tag and Paula Abdul.

Janet Jackson, space?

There's nothing in this
script about you, OK.

Just keep reading.

Janet Jackson leaves the room
because she's late for a train

to Space Paris.

Sonar tries to do a handstand.

But he's never done one before,
so he falls pretty fast.

OK, so you're actually Sonar.

Oh, my god, neither
of us is Sonar.

And this is about
the time that you

asked me go to laser tag.

And I didn't, because I was
sipping on something nice

and I gave your bike to
my girlfriend's father.

I forgot you did that.

But no, there is no
hidden message here, OK?

This is a very simple story
about two aliens who-- who--

who come together.

They become brothers again.

Oh, no.

They have sex in
Space Paris, OK?

Look, have you ever
known anyone that's given

birth to a half horse,
half Franklin Roosevelt?

What?

No.

So if there's a partner there
were one of the characters

does just that, then you
wouldn't think I was writing

some weird metaphor about
how your alcoholism affects

our relationship, right?

Of course not.

OK, good, because that
is how the script ends.

It's like I'm looking
in a word mirror.

You just said--

Josh, our dad's
name is Franklin.

Our mother has the skin
complexion of a brown stallion.

OK, so you're saying
that two aliens--

who are us, right--

give birth to two horse
versions of our parents?

No, no, no, no, don't--

And that's how I'm
getting out my frustrations

about your drinking?
- No.

- Is that what it--
- No.

No, no, no, that's
not what I'm saying.

That's what you're saying.

But I finally feel like
you've forgiven me.

Sure, I'm glad you
feel good about it.

I feel great about it.

what
are you doing?

I'm destroying evidence.

I'm going to steal this idea.

This is a great movie, man.

And my man--
Lupe!

My man, Lupe, is going
to hold you back.

Easy, player.

We about to be rich, man.

Welcome to
Above Average music video.

11:00 PM, my typical
day, cab ride to a club

to hear some sweet
jazz music play.

Pick out a musician,
buy him a gin.

Then I take him home for
a delicious night of sin.

Now I got a sore down in
my drawers, I'm nauseous,

and I'm feeling kind of hot.

Ooh, a sore throat that lingers
and rashes on my fingers,

my mother once warned me
of this illness I got.

I got Jazz Fever.

It's the fever that you
get from too much jazz.

Jazz Fever, it's the fever that
you get from too much jazz.

I go to the doctor,
say how bad I feel.

He looks me up and down and
says Jazz Fever isn't real.

You have syphilis.

Ha, guess they don't teach
jazz in medical school.

He tells me, take this
medicine, but I ain't a fool.

Instead I take more jazz.

The only cure for Jazz
Fever is more jazz.

Charleston.

Jazz Fever, buzz off
penicillin, inject me with jazz.

Now I've gone death--
from the trumpets.

I can't feel my feet--

from the dancing.

Having seizures, and my back
skin looks like raw meat.

Can't explain that.

The doctor keeps calling,
but I've sealed my fate,

'cause jazz has an
80% mortality rate.

Jazz Fever,
is the fever

that you get too much jazz.

Charleston.

Jazz Fever, it's the fever that
you get from too much jazz.

If only she'd listened to me.

Doctors always know best.

Doc, can you help me?

I'm having worse
morning sickness.

Sure, try some cocaine.

Thank you, my baby
loves the white stuff.

Who doesn't?

Kiss
me, I'm drunk, kiss me,

I'm drunk, kiss me I'm--

kiss me, I'm drunk.

Coffee or croissant?

Coffee or [FRENCH
ACCENT] croissant.

Wow, Tom Cavanaugh.

I'll bet he'd be really
psyched to see me.

Maybe I'll just
run up and say hi.

Yo!
- Ah!

What's up?

Tom, it's me, Dave, from before.

TOM CAVANAGH
I got to get

a dagger or a knife or something
for these kinds of situations.

Must be nice for Tom

to run into a good
friend for a change.

I bet the nut jobs come out
of the woodwork for him.

I'm sorry, have we--

Do I know you?
Have we met?

Uh, yeah, 3 and 3/4 years
ago at the Greenwich Hotel.

Your wife was getting
a facial at the spa,

as was I, not that either
one of us needed it.

Mine was a gift from my dad.

Right, well, uh,
sorry, uh, what is it?

Dave.

Well--

I bet most people see you and
they're like, hey, that's Dr.

Harrison Wells, a.k.a.

Reverse Flash from
the hit series--

Flash, yeah.

Flash.

And you're like, oh,
great, another stalker.

- Stalkers--
- Well, I know what that's like.

- Yeah.
- So don't even.

This is going great.

I don't know if
I told you this,

but I was in a production
of "The Pirates of Penzance"

in grade school and
for like two weeks

afterwards, everyone
called me Frederick.

TOM CAVANAGH
It's times

like these I wish an SUV
would just hop the curve

and put me out of my misery.

Frederick was the role
that I had auditioned for.

TOM CAVANAGH
Wish the SUV

would take this guy out.

That would be much
better, actually.

You know, with me and
a couple of my friends.

TOM CAVANAGH
Oh, my god.

OK.
Yeah.

Well, great catching up, Dale.

Dave.

Dave,
right, so great.

Good shooting the
showbiz show with you.

All the best to you.

While I've got
you, I was actually

thinking, like, I
don't know if you need

another villain on the
show, because you're

doing such a great job with it.

But if you did,
I figured maybe I

could swing by, do a day on
set, have fun with the script.

You know, I was thinking
my guy could be,

like, really passive
aggressive and also

hurt people's feelings,
both with words

and with mind control.

Pretty great, right?
- Yeah.

So
this is worse than I expected.

Your-- uh, let
me get it straight.

Your guy, your super power is
says mean things to people?

Yeah, but gradually
wearing them down until he's

in charge of the world.

Great, well, that's-- you know
what, Dan, that's some really--

Dave.

Dave, that's some great stuff.

And I don't really
have casting approval.

But I-- I'll put in a good word.

You know what would
be really helpful?

If you could just
march it in yourself,

I could pop one
in the mail to you

if you just give me an address.

I don't know it.

TOM CAVANAGH
Oh, shit.

I mean, I can't remember it.

I mean, I had a--

I banged my .

And I can't-- I have
no long-- short-term--

long mem-- term memory.
- That's awful.

So I can't--
- That's awful.

Yeah,
it's not great.

Are you going to set now, or--
Yeah.

Yeah, no.

'cause I could
just go with you.

No, I'm going uptown.

I live uptown.

I could just-- you know--

I don't
really live uptown, but god,

I love this guy.

I did something horrible

and this is my punishment.

I'm going to go downtown
first before I go uptown.

Oh, I could--

I'd come-- come with you, or--

Um, I'll tell you what.

There's 5 bucks.

OK, I see what you did.

It was good
talking to you, Dale.

I will pay you--
Dave.

Technically--

Dave.

I'll pay you back on set.

Thank you, Dr. Harrison Wells.

Tom
Cavanaugh really likes me.

You-- you want to grab
lunch or coffee or something?

I'm buying.

Got a fiver.

You-- you get something for--

On you.

That right.

Oh, look at--

What is-- hey.

See you, Dan.

This was fun.

Fun for you.

Great hang.

Awesome.

Ba da da da da da,
seven minutes in heaven, oh,

yeah.

Hi, this is Seven Minutes
in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today
with Jack McBrayer.

Hi, Jack.

Hello, how are you.

Good, how are you doing?

I'm real good.

Can you talk in your
real voice for a minute?

I don't know if people
have heard that.

It's a pleasure to be here.

- You got it.
- Oh, my god.

I'm a little bit drunk.

Do you have--

Oh, so I thought
it'd be fun to have

Kenneth say a line from "Heat."

I don't remember this line.
- The movie?

Yeah, do you
remember Al Pacino?

Oh, yeah.

"Heat," a la Kenneth the page.

My life's a disaster zone.

I got a stepdaughter so fucked
up because her real father

is this large type asshole.

And I got a wife-- we're passing
each other on the downslope

of a marriage, my third, because
I spend all my time chasing

guys like you around the block.

That's my life.

It

works really well, actually.

I think so.

Jack, please say which
of the following adjectives

applies to you.

OK.

Crazy.

I don't think I'm crazy.

Um, off, not crazy.

Oh, I'm spiraling.

I was just going to
stand back and let it go.

I'm like, this is like 10
seconds from tears, for sure.

Tears for fears.

Uh, sexy?

No.

Cool.

No.

See how I did
crazy, sexy, cool.

That's an album.

Hungry for life?

Are these lyrics to something?

This is classic theater
with Jack McBrayer.

You and I are arguing
about electric cars.

And then you suddenly
notice, for the first time

in your life, that
you have thumbs.

I think-- I think they're
going to cost more

to shift the whole industry.

That way, I don't
think they're--

No, I think--

In a sense, that's
bad for the environment.

OK, well, I mean,
yeah, the glass

is half empty in that sense.

Right.

What you don't
understand is the benefits

that when we're using
electricity and gasoline,

the possibilities are endless.

But I just also think that
the idea of a fully electric car

has a lot of advantages.

But I think there's very
valid reasons that they have

been held off on for so long.

Like if it was such a
great idea, why hasn't

it happened sort of thing.

I just think that if we
just stick to our guns,

we're going to figure it out.

Yeah.

I'm a census taker and
find you in your closet.

And you are answering
the questions,

but you tag each answer with the
quote on this piece of paper.

Mr. Smith, how many people
live in this household?

Right now there's four.

OK.

One kid off at
college, so five total.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

But, in general, four.

And I did not kill no
one at no 7-Eleven,

no matter what Chi Chi says.

OK, and income bracket,
are you below $50,000 a year,

in between $50,000 and
$100,000, or above $100,000?

Below $50,000.

And no, I did not kill
nobody at no 7-Eleven

no matter what Chi Chi says.

Under $50,000.

OK, under $50,000.

Have you ever been to
the 7-Eleven on Grainger?

No, that's not usually even--

Yes.

Well, Jackie, I've had such
a good time with you today.

Just tell
people this happened.

I think you're one
of the funniest guys.

Just do your best.

Welcome to the
world of gingivitis.

"For Seven Minutes in
Heaven," I'm Mike O'Brien.

That's Jack McBrayer.

Thank you, Jack.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.