Original subtitles

You are out of your mind, my friend.

R2 is the hero and C-3PO is the sidekick.

You are just saying insane things to me right now.

Yeah, just because he's taller, that doesn't mean

he's automatically the hero.

I hate how people insist on equating height with status.

All I'm saying is that when shit goes down,

the first one you're going to look to is 3PO.

Yeah, and then C-3PO go running

home crying like the little, fucking

protocol droid that he is.

And R2 will save the day like a fucking champion

because that's what he is.

And he'll also do it in a lighthearted and humorous way.

Exactly, which is why he's the sidekick.

You just blew my brick mind.

You guys want to play heroes and sidekicks,

loser buys shots?

I'm in.

All right, how 'bout Mick and Keith?

Come on, man.

Mick is hero, Keith is sidekick.

Stop busting my balls.

How about Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters?

Sawyer, hero.

Walter, sidekick.

Yeah, me too.

They'd both kick your ass though.

Hell, yeah.

Sawyer got that ass.

I'd let her back that thing up.

Russell Crowe and Tommy Lee Jones.

Whoa, that is a good one.

Yeah, I mean, Crowe is a hero.

That's who he plays, that's what he is in life.

You know, it's what he does.

But Tommy Lee Jones, he's all grizzled and bad ass.

I don't know if he's kicking for anybody.

Lee Jones ain't feeling that shit.

Tommy Lee Jones is like a human Toyota Tundra, man.

That guy's got the biggest payload in the business.

But gun to my head, I'm saying Crowe is sidekick

and Lee Jones is hero.

That's what I'm going with.

How about Emilio Estevez and Captain "Sully" Sullenberger?

Estevez, hero. Sully, sidekick.

Don't even finish, man.

Estevez, hero to anybody's sidekick.

Estevez.

Yeah, that's correct.

Bert and Ernie?

It's a trick question.

Friendship's the hero in that one.

How 'bout Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn?

Unanswerable.

Damn, ,, that's too close to call.

Zahn till I'm gone.

What's so funny?

You two.

Who's the hero, who's the sidekick?

I'd be the hero.

I'll be the hero.

And he'd be the sidekick.

Oh, yeah.

Look, Blue Jay, I'm sorry.

You're kidding yourself.

You don't even have a power.

You give hairline fractures, man.

I fly.

Nobody's ever seen you fly.

Yeah, cause I turn invisible when I do.

That's bullshit.

Fracture's sidekicked for some of the best

heroes in the business, man.

I mean, Octopus PhD--

Mr. Pippi.

Officer Face Plant.

The Horny Dentist.

Captain Weed Cigarette.

Uncle Kisses.

Stupid Legs.

Son of Pac Man.

Mr. Pippi.

Did we say Mr. Pippi already?

I sidekick for Wimpy MacLeod.

Wimpy MacLeod killed himself.

Let's face it, man.

You would be the sidekick.

I could be a hero.

I can-- I could be a he--

I can be--

I'm a hero!

I'm a hero!

You know I--

I still talk to Mr. Pippi.

- Oh, no way. - Yeah.

How's he doing, good?

He's good.

He lives up in the Berkshires.

Oh, no way.

He married that girl, the, um--

Mrs. Pippi?

Yeah.

Wow, that worked out well.

Six months ago, a virus spread across the Earth turning

20% of humans into puppets.

My name's Matt.

And I'm one of them.

Every puppet faces their own challenge.

Mine is high school.

Matt.

Oh, um, hey, Claire.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping to watch a movie

since I'm at a movie theater.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm pretty much gonna do too.

You alone?

Well, currently I am.

But I'm meeting Bradley.

Cool.

And a couple girls from his modern dance group.

Bradley's in a dance class?

Hey, Matt!

So this is Wendy, my date.

Hey.

And this is Tammy, the girl who is going

to be sitting next to you.

And, uh, you know, we'll just-- we'll-- we'll see how it goes,

OK?

Hey, good to meet you, Tammy.

Yummy.

Excuse me?

I made this dress out of a tablecloth, so--

Oh, neat.

Yeah, I read online that a horse

got decapitated while they were making this movie.

Wow, I'm going to go grab us some snacks.

Oh, no, thanks.

I have tomato soup in my purse.

Attention, please, everyone.

May I have your attention, please.

Before the feature presentation, there will be

a very special preview tonight.

This preview is my balls!

Oh.

Enjoy.

I just saw a penis.

Yeah, he says balls, but you end up seeing everything,

Uh, I hope I see another one tonight, but a different one.

Tonight.

Hey, Matt, isn't that your sister?

Hey, my name is Sarah.

Hey, Sarah. I'm Doug.

Yeah, I think so.

Hey, Matt, do you want some popcorn?

No, I'm good.

Tammy here has some soup.

Hi, Tammy, I'm Claire.

Uh-huh, why do you keep talking to that weird girl?

That's the first time I've talked

to her since you got here.

Well, she seems absolutely crazy.

She's my friend.

Attention, please.

May I please have your attention.

Will the owner of a blue Toyota Corolla hatchback

parked out front please direct your eyeballs to my balls.

Eww.

That one didn't even make sense.

Can you be at my house tomorrow at 5 o'clock

for dinner?

Why?

Yeah, and don't dress as sexy as you are right now.

My mom always steals my boyfriends.

Attention, please, everyone.

Eyes to the front.

There have been several announcements

tonight concerning my dick.

This is not one of them.

But the fire marshal has asked me to present

a brief safety demonstration.

This presentation is--

Why do you keep looking at that crazy girl

instead of me, your date?

Do you like her?

Why don't you just ask her out?

Oh, this is so much better than my balls.

Go on, you chicken.

Stop sitting there, hemming, and hawing, staring like an idiot.

Ask her out.

Get it over with.

Ask her out.

She's right, Claire.

This girl that I just met that has soup in her purse is right.

It's Tammy.

I've liked you forever, ever since I

ate your crayons in kindergarten and then got sick

and threw up on you. - Ooh.

You said you didn't mind because it

made your dress look prettier.

You're the coolest girl I know, Claire.

Yes, I know I have the virus.

I'm a puppet.

And that sucks.

But it took me a long time to realize,

I'm still the same person inside.

I'm still Matt Summers.

And I'm still the guy with a major crush on his best friend,

the prettiest girl in school.

Claire, I don't know where this will end up,

but will you go out with me so we can find out together?

Huh?

Hey, my little brother.

Yeah, uh, oh-- OK.

OK, fine.

Yeah.

I wanted you to come here because I

wanted to say that I was sorry for all the years of, uh--

The drinking?

Can I say it?

The drinking, and for not really supporting your dreams

of being a writer, man.

Thank you, Darnell.

What's-- what's that?

Uh, this is a movie that I wrote.

And I'm actually going to do a little table read with some

of my friends after this.

It's about us, right?

Not really, no.

Sex aliens?

Josh, you're telling me this isn't about us?

Come on, man.

Admit it.

i hurt you.

I'm not afraid to admit that.

But this is not about us.

Interior spaceship in space, an alien

named Sonar turns to another alien named Janet Jackson.

I'm not saying I'm attracted to you,

but I'm not not attracted to you.

Come on, man.

Sonar is me.

How'd you get that out of what you just read?

Josh, what are my two favorite things?

Uh--

Laser tag and Paula Abdul.

Janet Jackson, space?

There's nothing in this script about you, OK.

Just keep reading.

Janet Jackson leaves the room because she's late for a train

to Space Paris.

Sonar tries to do a handstand.

But he's never done one before, so he falls pretty fast.

OK, so you're actually Sonar.

Oh, my god, neither of us is Sonar.

And this is about the time that you

asked me go to laser tag.

And I didn't, because I was sipping on something nice

and I gave your bike to my girlfriend's father.

I forgot you did that.

But no, there is no hidden message here, OK?

This is a very simple story about two aliens who-- who--

who come together.

They become brothers again.

Oh, no.

They have sex in Space Paris, OK?

Look, have you ever known anyone that's given

birth to a half horse, half Franklin Roosevelt?

What?

No.

So if there's a partner there were one of the characters

does just that, then you wouldn't think I was writing

some weird metaphor about how your alcoholism affects

our relationship, right?

Of course not.

OK, good, because that is how the script ends.

It's like I'm looking in a word mirror.

You just said--

Josh, our dad's name is Franklin.

Our mother has the skin complexion of a brown stallion.

OK, so you're saying that two aliens--

who are us, right--

give birth to two horse versions of our parents?

No, no, no, no, don't--

And that's how I'm getting out my frustrations

about your drinking? - No.

- Is that what it-- - No.

No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

That's what you're saying.

But I finally feel like you've forgiven me.

Sure, I'm glad you feel good about it.

I feel great about it.

what are you doing?

I'm destroying evidence.

I'm going to steal this idea.

This is a great movie, man.

And my man-- Lupe!

My man, Lupe, is going to hold you back.

Easy, player.

We about to be rich, man.

Welcome to Above Average music video.

11:00 PM, my typical day, cab ride to a club

to hear some sweet jazz music play.

Pick out a musician, buy him a gin.

Then I take him home for a delicious night of sin.

Now I got a sore down in my drawers, I'm nauseous,

and I'm feeling kind of hot.

Ooh, a sore throat that lingers and rashes on my fingers,

my mother once warned me of this illness I got.

I got Jazz Fever.

It's the fever that you get from too much jazz.

Jazz Fever, it's the fever that you get from too much jazz.

I go to the doctor, say how bad I feel.

He looks me up and down and says Jazz Fever isn't real.

You have syphilis.

Ha, guess they don't teach jazz in medical school.

He tells me, take this medicine, but I ain't a fool.

Instead I take more jazz.

The only cure for Jazz Fever is more jazz.

Charleston.

Jazz Fever, buzz off penicillin, inject me with jazz.

Now I've gone death-- from the trumpets.

I can't feel my feet--

from the dancing.

Having seizures, and my back skin looks like raw meat.

Can't explain that.

The doctor keeps calling, but I've sealed my fate,

'cause jazz has an 80% mortality rate.

Jazz Fever, is the fever

that you get too much jazz.

Charleston.

Jazz Fever, it's the fever that you get from too much jazz.

If only she'd listened to me.

Doctors always know best.

Doc, can you help me?

I'm having worse morning sickness.

Sure, try some cocaine.

Thank you, my baby loves the white stuff.

Who doesn't?

Kiss me, I'm drunk, kiss me,

I'm drunk, kiss me I'm--

kiss me, I'm drunk.

Coffee or croissant?

Coffee or [FRENCH ACCENT] croissant.

Wow, Tom Cavanaugh.

I'll bet he'd be really psyched to see me.

Maybe I'll just run up and say hi.

Yo! - Ah!

What's up?

Tom, it's me, Dave, from before.

TOM CAVANAGH I got to get

a dagger or a knife or something for these kinds of situations.

Must be nice for Tom

to run into a good friend for a change.

I bet the nut jobs come out of the woodwork for him.

I'm sorry, have we--

Do I know you? Have we met?

Uh, yeah, 3 and 3/4 years ago at the Greenwich Hotel.

Your wife was getting a facial at the spa,

as was I, not that either one of us needed it.

Mine was a gift from my dad.

Right, well, uh, sorry, uh, what is it?

Dave.

Well--

I bet most people see you and they're like, hey, that's Dr.

Harrison Wells, a.k.a.

Reverse Flash from the hit series--

Flash, yeah.

Flash.

And you're like, oh, great, another stalker.

- Stalkers-- - Well, I know what that's like.

- Yeah. - So don't even.

This is going great.

I don't know if I told you this,

but I was in a production of "The Pirates of Penzance"

in grade school and for like two weeks

afterwards, everyone called me Frederick.

TOM CAVANAGH It's times

like these I wish an SUV would just hop the curve

and put me out of my misery.

Frederick was the role that I had auditioned for.

TOM CAVANAGH Wish the SUV

would take this guy out.

That would be much better, actually.

You know, with me and a couple of my friends.

TOM CAVANAGH Oh, my god.

OK. Yeah.

Well, great catching up, Dale.

Dave.

Dave, right, so great.

Good shooting the showbiz show with you.

All the best to you.

While I've got you, I was actually

thinking, like, I don't know if you need

another villain on the show, because you're

doing such a great job with it.

But if you did, I figured maybe I

could swing by, do a day on set, have fun with the script.

You know, I was thinking my guy could be,

like, really passive aggressive and also

hurt people's feelings, both with words

and with mind control.

Pretty great, right? - Yeah.

So this is worse than I expected.

Your-- uh, let me get it straight.

Your guy, your super power is says mean things to people?

Yeah, but gradually wearing them down until he's

in charge of the world.

Great, well, that's-- you know what, Dan, that's some really--

Dave.

Dave, that's some great stuff.

And I don't really have casting approval.

But I-- I'll put in a good word.

You know what would be really helpful?

If you could just march it in yourself,

I could pop one in the mail to you

if you just give me an address.

I don't know it.

TOM CAVANAGH Oh, shit.

I mean, I can't remember it.

I mean, I had a--

I banged my .

And I can't-- I have no long-- short-term--

long mem-- term memory. - That's awful.

So I can't-- - That's awful.

Yeah, it's not great.

Are you going to set now, or-- Yeah.

Yeah, no.

'cause I could just go with you.

No, I'm going uptown.

I live uptown.

I could just-- you know--

I don't really live uptown, but god,

I love this guy.

I did something horrible

and this is my punishment.

I'm going to go downtown first before I go uptown.

Oh, I could--

I'd come-- come with you, or--

Um, I'll tell you what.

There's 5 bucks.

OK, I see what you did.

It was good talking to you, Dale.

I will pay you-- Dave.

Technically--

Dave.

I'll pay you back on set.

Thank you, Dr. Harrison Wells.

Tom Cavanaugh really likes me.

You-- you want to grab lunch or coffee or something?

I'm buying.

Got a fiver.

You-- you get something for--

On you.

That right.

Oh, look at--

What is-- hey.

See you, Dan.

This was fun.

Fun for you.

Great hang.

Awesome.

Ba da da da da da, seven minutes in heaven, oh,

yeah.

Hi, this is Seven Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Jack McBrayer.

Hi, Jack.

Hello, how are you.

Good, how are you doing?

I'm real good.

Can you talk in your real voice for a minute?

I don't know if people have heard that.

It's a pleasure to be here.

- You got it. - Oh, my god.

I'm a little bit drunk.

Do you have--

Oh, so I thought it'd be fun to have

Kenneth say a line from "Heat."

I don't remember this line. - The movie?

Yeah, do you remember Al Pacino?

Oh, yeah.

"Heat," a la Kenneth the page.

My life's a disaster zone.

I got a stepdaughter so fucked up because her real father

is this large type asshole.

And I got a wife-- we're passing each other on the downslope

of a marriage, my third, because I spend all my time chasing

guys like you around the block.

That's my life.

It

works really well, actually.

I think so.

Jack, please say which of the following adjectives

applies to you.

OK.

Crazy.

I don't think I'm crazy.

Um, off, not crazy.

Oh, I'm spiraling.

I was just going to stand back and let it go.

I'm like, this is like 10 seconds from tears, for sure.

Tears for fears.

Uh, sexy?

No.

Cool.

No.

See how I did crazy, sexy, cool.

That's an album.

Hungry for life?

Are these lyrics to something?

This is classic theater with Jack McBrayer.

You and I are arguing about electric cars.

And then you suddenly notice, for the first time

in your life, that you have thumbs.

I think-- I think they're going to cost more

to shift the whole industry.

That way, I don't think they're--

No, I think--

In a sense, that's bad for the environment.

OK, well, I mean, yeah, the glass

is half empty in that sense.

Right.

What you don't understand is the benefits

that when we're using electricity and gasoline,

the possibilities are endless.

But I just also think that the idea of a fully electric car

has a lot of advantages.

But I think there's very valid reasons that they have

been held off on for so long.

Like if it was such a great idea, why hasn't

it happened sort of thing.

I just think that if we just stick to our guns,

we're going to figure it out.

Yeah.

I'm a census taker and find you in your closet.

And you are answering the questions,

but you tag each answer with the quote on this piece of paper.

Mr. Smith, how many people live in this household?

Right now there's four.

OK.

One kid off at college, so five total.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

But, in general, four.

And I did not kill no one at no 7-Eleven,

no matter what Chi Chi says.

OK, and income bracket, are you below $50,000 a year,

in between $50,000 and $100,000, or above $100,000?

Below $50,000.

And no, I did not kill nobody at no 7-Eleven

no matter what Chi Chi says.

Under $50,000.

OK, under $50,000.

Have you ever been to the 7-Eleven on Grainger?

No, that's not usually even--

Yes.

Well, Jackie, I've had such a good time with you today.

Just tell people this happened.

I think you're one of the funniest guys.

Just do your best.

Welcome to the world of gingivitis.

"For Seven Minutes in Heaven," I'm Mike O'Brien.

That's Jack McBrayer.

Thank you, Jack.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.