Original subtitles

Six months ago,

a virus spread across the Earth, turning 20% of humans

into puppets.

My name's Matt, and I'm one of them.

Every puppet faces their own challenge.

Mine is high school.

All right, everybody.

Hey, I just want to say I really appreciate you guys

giving up your Saturday to come here to work

on this cleanup project.

Um, Mr. Janitor, sir, the sign-up

sheet said that we will be getting

paid for our work today.

Does that still stand?

Yep, that's right.

The school is going to give you a stipend of $25.

Hells, yes.

I'm gonna buy me a shit ton of Fruit Roll-Ups.

I'm Fruit Roll-Up crazy!

Uh, cool.

Before we start, it's a little hot today.

Now if any of you get heat exhaustion and die,

the school could get sued.

So the school is asking that everyone

remove their shirts and your pants,

and work in your underwear, so nobody, uh-- dies.

Oh, no.

I'm ashamed of my body.

I cannot be a part of this!

Is that really a school policy?

Guys, Mr. Beckwith is an adult in a position of authority.

We should do whatever he says.

No questions asked.

I like him.

Hey, Mr. Beckwith, where you want me to put the box?

Wherever you want.

You got it.

Hey, Mr. Beckwith, is there a ladder or something I can use

to get the cobwebs up there.

Oh, I'll help you.

Oh, cool.

Thanks.

Here we go.

OK, um-- oh, OK.

All right.

OK.

Your butt is awesome.

What?

Oh, I said, good job clearing those cobwebs.

Oh, thanks.

I thought you said "your butt is awesome."

That's funny.

Seriously though, your butt is rad.

What?

Oh, I said, good job clearing those cobwebs.

Oh.

I thought you said, "seriously though, your butt is rad."

Ha ha, that's funny.

Seriously though, I want to be Facebook

friends with your butt.

What?

I said, good job clearing those cobwebs.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you said, "seriously though, I want to be Facebook

friends with your butt."

That's funny.

There is one thing that I know right now,

and that is I do not feel weak.

Hey, guys.

I just got off the phone with the school.

They want you to wear these sexy hats while you work.

You would think I feel weird, but I don't.

Hey, guys.

I just got off the phone with the school.

They want you to drink these Adioses.

Mr. Beckwith, is there alcohol in this?

If you are not going to drink yours, I am an alcoholic.

Hey, guys.

I just got off the phone with the school.

They want us to play truth or dare.

OK, I dare you to throw an egg at a car.

Or, or, you could dare him to hug you for 15 minutes.

What?

That's weird.

Oh, or we could do the egg and the car thing, you know,

whatever.

We're just having fun.

That's strong.

Hey, everybody.

I just got off the phone with the school.

And they want us to have a massage train right now.

Feel that rhythm, guys.

Get in the rhythm.

This is not weird.

This is just a nice time.

Get in there.

Um, Mr. Beckwith, I feel like we haven't gotten much work

done today, like, at all.

That's OK.

By the way, the school said not to tell

your parents about anything that happened today.

Our school has a shit ton of unorthodox policies.

Hey, Matt, you forgot your lunch.

Mom told me to bring it to you.

By the way, I'm pretty sure the janitor is semi-molesting

you guys right now.

Uh.

I'm sorry.

Why'd you stop?

I want this knot kneaded out.

Oh.

Use the elbow.

Oh, damn, got skills.

Good morning.

Get off me! Get off me!

What?

Get off me!

What?

Who are you? - What?

Who are you?

I'm-- I'm Nick.

How did you get in here?

We met last night.

We had sex.

No.

No.

I would remember if I met you.

We did.

We were pretty drunk. - Are you a murderer?

Whoa. No.

No, no, no.

That's what a murderer would say.

Tell me if you're a murderer.

No, I'm not a murderer.

If I was a murderer, I would have killed you in your sleep.

Only a murderer would say that.

That was a weird thing to say.

I'm not a murderer.

I work in an investment bank.

I live in New Jersey.

New Jersey?

That's like the murder capital of the world.

No, it's not.

That's what it says on their license plates.

It says "Garden State."

No, it doesn't.

You can't read either.

If we met last night, what is my name?

Michelle.

Huh.

Well, you could've looked through my wallet this morning.

No, you said it to me last night.

I never tell people my name, OK.

Where did I go to school?

Arizona State.

You dropped out.

Ha, like 90% of the country goes to Arizona State

and drops out.

That feels inaccurate.

OK, how about this?

What is the name of my best friend?

Uh, Trish, but you secretly hate her because she's

better at karaoke than you.

Oh my god, you read my texts too?

That's so messed up.

Who does that?

OK, here's something that proves that I know you.

Go up to redheads and scream "fire crotch" in their face.

You did it like 10 times last night.

Also, twins freak you out.

Oh my god, you were talking to my therapist.

That is a breach of trust.

Also, you said you're a Taoist,

but I think you think it means some type of vegan.

You're not legally allowed to own pets.

You once kicked a homeless man.

It was an accident, but you enjoyed it.

All right, are you saying that you don't

enjoy kicking homeless people?

No, I have not indulged.

Uh, you've never successfully passed a driver's test.

You do drive drunk though, because you said it's, quote,

"really, really fun."

Everybody thinks it's fun.

There are so many PSAs that disagree with you.

Also, you're afraid of dying alone

and unloved by choking on soup.

And you gave yourself pink eye to get

out of going to a funeral.

And you don't believe in the moon.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

I believe you.

I believe you.

We met last night.

So my question for you is, do you want to get back into bed?

You know, I just heard myself say all those things out loud,

so, no.

I really don't.

Because you're a murderer?

All right.

Who murders people?

And maybe I know really specific stuff about you too,

like your name is Fishbone, because you murder people

with a fishbone.

But not before you find out really specific things

about them from hacking their email

and through some mild psychic skills.

And that after you murder them, you go in their apartment,

and you turn on all the faucets, and you let the sinks overflow,

like the burglars in "Home Alone,"

because you can't come up with your own crime signature.

And then you just leave my body there to rot

so the neighbors can smell it.

You want to murder me.

Admit it.

Kinda but I'm just gonna go home.

It was nice getting to know you.

That was close.

Time for lunch.

Guess I'll grab a cold Big Mister from the fridge.

You like Big Mister?

Yeah, I do.

Then you'll love the taste of Big Mister 7.

7 what?

Big Mister 7 is the only soda with 7 pounds

of ground beef in every can.

7 pounds of beef in one can?

It's roughly the equivalent of 28 hamburgers.

Just drink your beef.

So thick and hearty.

Did you know that other sodas have as low as zero

pounds of ground beef per can?

Every other so--

Big Mister 7 beats them by 7 beefy pounds in every can.

You're chugging another one?

Ah!

How did you drink 14 pounds of beef in under a minute?

I'm a bear!

Oh, it's a new friend.

Oh, it's a-- no, no, no, no!

Damn it!

On this episode of .

Did you hear that?

I want you guys to come down here and smell.

Eric?

Who is in this house?

Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear you through the thin, white walls.

We heard these sounds coming from Eric's room.

At first, I thought it was Eric just using our Fleshlight

that we share.

What was that?

Pretty spooked by the whole thing.

Because Eric was out of town.

We decided to call in an expert.

I'm a tologist.

I've seen a lot of people have sex.

I roomed with Eric in college, so I've heard him ...

A lot.

I'm a pretty skeptical person, but I

do believe happens.

Well, in the three years that Eric has lived here,

I can track two girlfriends, three casual things,

drunken one-night-stand, and then

a everything-but situation-- you know,

fingering, jerking off, oral.

I think they might have done some foot stuff too

because in a few of these, she's wearing sandals,

and she has very pretty feet.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Lucky.

You guys ready to do this?

Let's go lights out.

We turn off all the lights to encourage ...

If someone's in a room, and they

see that the lights are off in the main house,

they'll louder.

Ronnie knew a ton about ...

I was impressed.

Do you guys ever wonder what happens to us when we ??

I imagine it's a lot like when we're not ...

If you're a good person in life, you're a good person

when you're .

I like that.

That's sweet.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, let's check the EVP.

What does EVP stand for?

It's the Electronic Vagina Penetration detector.

Yo, Eric, it's Ronnie.

Hey, Eric, are you plowing that mound?

Are you writing that dolphin?

You bumping bellies in there?

You filling that out like an application?

Ronnie, ask him if he's having sex.

Who is in this house?

Oftentimes, when a person is ,,

they can't communicate due to their excited state,

or if there's a ball gag, or some other kinky,

weird shit involved.

Eric, if you're in there,

then bang the headboard twice.

Twice means Yes.

I freaking knew it.

I mean, I am spooked.

Somebody is in there.

I want you guys to come down here

and smell underneath the door.

I can't.

- I'm not gonna do that. - Why?

Why, Ronnie?

He might be wearing protection.

I smell latex.

As he conducted more and more experiments,

I realized not only was he perverted, but also

incredibly sexually frustrated.

After I reviewed some of the other recorders I had set up,

I found this.

So what does that sound like to you?

Ball slapping?

Yeah, like a jackhammer fingering.

Just like an insertion of an inanimate object.

- Hand slapping on the ass? - Yeah, yeah.

Just level with us, man.

Is somebody in there?

I think it's highly possible that some

one or some thing is .

Is a spook capable of--

Eric?

Huh?

Oh, Ronnie.

What's up, man? How you doing?

I'm pretty good.

We ask the questions.

I thought you were camping this weekend.

Yeah, I was supposed to, but I got sick, so I'm just here.

Is there a girl in that room?

We've knocked.

Oh.

Um.

I was watching women's tennis.

I love women's tennis.

They're so aggressive.

I'm sorry about that.

What you guys been up up to?

What's going on out here?

What I love about being a

tologist is helping people.

And watching them .

And when you think about it, we're all a little bit.

Aren't we?

I'm Jeff.

Eric's son.

He sent me to help finish your script.

Is this the draft you turned into the studio?

Yeah, that-- that is it.

Yeah, and keep in mind, you know, if you want

to change anything, feel free.

They loved it.

Lots of explosions.

Marcia's got a check for you.

We'll see you next week.

Bieber's a lock.

Miley Cyrus' rep just confirmed-- she's a go.

We start shooting the week of the 24th.

Supercuts called to confirm your appointment,

and the line producer for "Magic Eye Shark Movie"

called to say they wrapped on a great first shoot day.

Your mom called to wish you a happy birthday,

and on the AD on "Magic Eye" called to say

the director just walked off set.

Supercuts called to wish you a happy birthday,

and the director of "MESM" will come back

if we give him more backend.

Sure, fine.

You-- I'm-- sorry, you have to cross your eyes

through the entire movie?

Just a little bit.

Hello, everyone. Hello.

Thank you.

Calm down.

Calm down.

Please.

Please, calm down.

Hello, and thank you all for coming.

You know, um, this is a film we're

really excited about with new technology

that we can really believe in.

The next 10 years of films are going to be shot in magic eye.

And the "Hollywood Reporter" can quote me on that.

Write it down.

OK.

My son, the unintentional mind behind last year's

blockbuster, "Robot Explosion," well, he inspired this idea.

And he couldn't be here tonight because he

is locked in his room, eating graham crackers.

But I know it's a film that he would be very proud of,

and we will too.

All right.

This is a home run for us, guys.

I mean it.

So now, without further hesitation--

I present to you "Magic Eye Shark Movie."

This is show biz.

Go.

Go.

Go, go.

You're not gonna do the 3D thing?

Were there any press alerts about last night?

No, definitely nothing about your movie

sending everyone to the hospital or calling you a madman.

Could you imagine?

Marchen Christiansen called you today.

Why didn't you try to reach me?

I did.

You were crying.

Oh, god.

Oh, god!

Oh, shoot.

Someone stole my phone.

Did he say what he was calling about?

He has a script he wants you to produce,

and he's sorry he didn't call you earlier,

but he's out of the country, so he has no idea how much

you've screwed your career.

Marcia, get Marchen on the line.

We're gonna make a movie.

Guten tag, Marchen.

Mrs. Saunders.

Yes?

Yes, what?

Yes, I am her.

Thank you.

Say the whole thing.

Jeez.

Well, the surgery was a success.

We're lucky your husband got here

so quickly after the accident.

We were able to stabilize him eventually,

but in order to save his life, I had to take his neck.

OK.

OK.

OK. No.

No, no, no. Not OK.

I don't understand.

You lost his neck?

Well, we didn't lose it.

It's in the garbage.

I'd show you, but it's probably got fries on it by now,

you know.

I guess if this was some sort of last ditch effort

to save his life-- - Yep.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

It's a last ditch thing to save his life.

What we had to do is we had to make two very small,

imperceptible incisions right here in the neck

so we could get in there with a power saw

and just jam away on that bad boy.

Then just dunk the sucker in the trash.

Oh my god.

Don't cry.

OK.

I'm gonna-- so, when I see him, he's not gonna have a neck.

He'll be neckless, completely neckless.

You want to see the freak, or what are we doing here?

I shouldn't joke.

I'm sorry.

Do you want to see your husband?

Yeah, I'd like to see my husband.

Yeah.

- Danny. - Hey, sweetie.

You OK?

Sweetie.

He can walk, by the way.

I didn't mess that up.

Yeah, they said I should be wheeled out so I don't fall.

Bit dramatic, isn't it?

All right, let me tell you about your new body here.

It's gonna take some getting used to.

First of all, we're lucky that the shoulders aren't rejecting

the head, so the head still has full access to all this stuff

right here--

your chest, tummy, all the way down your big ol' hog,

which works fine, by the way.

Look at her, she's going, thank you very much, Dockie.

I'm going, don't thank me.

Eddie can't munch your box anymore.

Oh my god.

OK.

Mostly, I think we're just worried about--

well, I'm wondering if I could bre--

Oh!

You gotta tell the FBI about your new height,

in case there's ever a manhunt for you.

Snipers will be like-- pew!

What?

I thought he was this tall.

Other than that, my nurse Christie

is gonna give you some literature

that should answer any other questions you should have.

Christie!

What you doing back there?

I said you're not allowed back there.

I can go back there if I want to.

Fine.

Here you go.

You're gonna want to read this.

That's Christie.

I delivered her baby last year.

She almost didn't make it.

I had to rip her neck off to save her.

The baby, too.

But now, she's a happy, healthy four-year-old.

Yeah.

Why do you have a picture of her in your waiting room?

It's covering up a safe.

Well, I'm glad I'm alive at least.

Random.

Yeah.

You two lovebirds gotta get on out of here, OK?

I'm up to my hog and balls in paperwork.

Do we come back for physical therapy?

Uh-uh.

No, you don't ever come back here, you hear me?

We're moving at the end of the day today to a new space,

bigger.

Big, old, dusty place.

Got-- hey.

You just checked completely out.

I say one thing about myself, and it's just--

Sorry, mister.

Oh, it's fine.

Honestly, I'm starving though.

You guys gotta go.

I got another neck ripping off at 5:00.

Or a-- appendectomy, but hopefully, I

don't have to rip his neck off.

Some evenings.

OK, season two, "This Is Us."

Not going to cry.

Last season on "This Is Us."

Oh, god!

Is there a dating app for guys like Jack?

I mean, I'd also settle for Milo.

Or Justin.

Oh, or Sterling.

Dad, hi.

I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and--

yes, I'm watching "This Is Us," but that's not why.

OK, don't panic.

Nothing bad happens on Christmas Eve.

Something bad happened!

How is Mandy Moore still hotter than me in old lady makeup?

Hi, Dad, it's me again.

I just wanted to say that if you ever died,

and it was my fault--

I don't want to stop watching.

Go, Steelers!

Oh, I totally get football now.

Wait, Steelers is football, right?

Oh, god, Kevin!

Haha, Kevin.

Oh, god, Kevin.

What is happening to me?

And I will be so upset you're dead

that I wouldn't even be able to tell my fiancée about it.

This is your daughter, by the way.

Call me back.

This is sad.

I have no tears left, but I recognize that this is sad.

Oh, god, the credits.