Original subtitles

Were there any plot issues?

Likability?

Yes, lots of them.

Don't be mad at us.

I don't think that bringing someone else in at this point

would be good for the idea.

No no, no, no.

We can do it.

We have a million ideas.

You got one week.

I don't understand why we have to eat salad.

Because, John, if one of us dies from eating unhealthy,

there's no script.

If there's no script, there's no money.

Your rent has been due for two weeks.

Well, we have jobs now.

So we'll pay you tomorrow, OK?

Where's your money?

We'll pay you tomorrow.

Here.

I'm coming back tomorrow.

OK.

Let's get to work on some of these studio notes.

OK.

Number one, make entire film an allegory for the Iraq war.

- Oh, that's possible. - Really?

- Yeah, totally cool. - OK.

You got that one? - Yeah.

Great. Next on the list?

Make Bieber the lifeguard?

Uh-huh.

OK, well, goodbye dreamy Andrew Garfield.

What's your Andrew Garfield thing?

He's the actor of our generation.

All right, OK.

And then give him a love interest.

Have the Miley Cyrus character falls in love

with the Bieber character. - Right.

They kiss on the beach. Kids love the--

- Kids love making out. - beach kissing stuff.

That's great.

Love to kiss each other on the lips.

That's great, actually.

What is next here?

Create an Usher shark and have him give a concert on the beach

to promote his new single.

Oh, that's fun. - Yeah.

Oh, hey. - Yeah.

- Maybe we'll meet Usher. - I don't think so.

They'll probably have him in post.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

What?

It says change entire film and trim 30 pages.

I won't do that. You shouldn't do that.

Well, dude, I mean, you have to do that.

What are you talking about?

That's like getting-- that's like,

having long hair and then somebody

stepping in and being like, excuse me,

sir, you should have buzz cut.

Hey, hey, buddy. Buddy.

Don't hit me.

You're getting hysterical, OK?

Lemme ask you something.

You want salad dressing on that salad?

Yeah.

Well, we need money to get salad dressing.

You might even get a shirt that fits you like a grown up.

The only way to get money is by fixing these notes.

I will pay you tomorrow, OK?

We are going to smash your toilet

and then leave in the middle of the night, OK?

I'm Jeff, Eric's son.

He sent me to help finish your script.

Cool.

Great, yeah.

Wonderful.

Come-- come on in.

So you guys are going to smash a toilet?

Oh, no.

That's actually sort of, our process.

We kind of, yell out the dialogue.

Oh, that's cool, that's cool.

Part of my process is playing Origami fortune teller.

Familiar? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I find it freeing.

Go ahead.

Red.

Red.

Most people pick red.

Hey, you're going to marry your fifth grade teacher.

Oh, that's gross.

My fifth grade teacher died.

She had a heart attack while she was teaching

us about Grover Cleveland.

All right.

Well, the thing you're missing is the explosions.

Sharks got to explode.

People have got to explode.

Boats have to explode.

Houses, hot girls, everything.

Also, you bring the shark in too early in the beach scene.

That's mine, that's mine.

I don't know, man.

I think people like to see teenagers

in bathing suits having fun.

And you got to have at least one female scientist.

I mean, it's the year after 2012.

How old are you?

I'm not sure.

I was there, but I wasn't, like, there, you know?

How was Willie Nelson?

Oh, your son didn't smoke drugs.

Oh.

He's good, right?

He does drugs, but he's good.

Is this the draft you turned into the studio?

Yeah, that is it.

Yeah.

And keep in mind, you know, if you want to change anything,

you feel free.

If anything.

You don't like the paper it was printed on.

They loved it.

Lots of explosions.

Marcia's got a check for you.

Wow.

Oh, you've been there the whole time.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

I wasn't aware of your presence at all.

You're very good man.

This is pure gold.

You are a good man, sir.

We'll see you next week.

And your son only smoked weed.

Let's come on.

Just a little bit of weed.

Let's--

- You have to turn it. - Turn it.

Yeah.

I didn't realize it was two locks.

I got you-- ma'am.

Just the smallest bit of weed.

Privacy, that's what you want.

Yeah.

Hey, I had a dream about you last night.

Oh really?

Well, it was you, but you didn't quite look like you,

you know what I mean?

Like, those dreams.

Like, what were the differences?

Well, you were--

you were, like, taller, I think, and, like, had more muscles.

Really attractive and have like--

you were, like, a man.

Like, you knew what to do with yourself,

how to carry yourself, kind of, like, how to talk in meetings.

You, kind of, like, it didn't look

like you live with your mom.

You looked confident and just smelled fresher.

Come to think of it, I don't think it was you at all.

Daisy is one of our oldest clients.

She's super tiny and she loves wet kisses.

The only problem is she doesn't poop when you want her to.

Her dog's name is Pickles.

You ring the doorbell.

You wait 5 seconds before entering because, A, they might

be home from work, B, might have a relative visiting,

or did I already say having an affair?

Or C, having an affair.

You didn't.

Oh, it's A, they're home from work.

Who the hell are you?

I'm John.

This is Steve.

Which one of you is Daisy?

No, none of them are Daisy, John.

They're robbing the place.

Notice how they're wearing all black

and taking the TV out the door.

Shut the hell up.

Boss, what do we do?

Take the TV outside.

Why are you taking a TV?

Yeah, I don't have a TV.

I just watch everything on the internet.

Why are we taking a TV?

You should take the TV.

She doesn't watch it.

Psst, I'm here.

Take the TV outside.

Wait, why are we taking the TV?

I just watch everything on my phone.

I have a Roku.

OK, Grace, what's with you and this TV?

Maybe Grace wants the TV for herself.

Then you take the TV.

I'm looking for jewelry.

Wait, are you guys cat burglars?

Yeah.

We're dog walkers.

I mean, it's--

Where is the dog?

We just need to walk it.

You guys can rob the place.

Take as many TVs as you want.

We should be taking zero TVs.

There he is.

Hey, buddy. - Good boy.

All right, you can take the dog.

I don't care.

Get, get.

All right, let's see how many TVs are actually here.

Robbing's so outdated.

They should have just stole her identity.

One time I got my credit card information stolen.

This man went to a casino.

He won $80,000 and he got to keep it.

He only had to give me the $200 he stole.

Isn't that Ludacris?

Oh, yeah, I think it is.

OK, boys and girls.

Can everybody say online dating?

Online dating.

Online dating.

It's like a big swingset where everyone wants

a push and no one is swinging.

And if someone does give you a push,

it's never who you want it to be, right?

It's always dead in the eye Sam instead of what has

to be an advertisement John.

I've fallen for it.

It's just a generic photo.

They put it up, and it doesn't--

I'm not going to--

Anyhoo, what's the hot goss, huh?

Who's dating who?

Mackenzie, Al, what's happening here?

What's going on? No?

No.

I notice you two are sitting next to each other.

I don't even know his middle name.

All right, I'm not going to push.

But lucky for you, Miss Jessie thought of some new

dating app jingles.

- Are you ready? - Yes

Yes.

Here we go.

This is an app where you go fast.

Chatting and profiles, not time for that.

Looks, look, looks.

Wanting love can hinder.

This is a shallow app called Tinder.

Tinder.

Good job.

Maxine, I saw your dad on Tinder.

Very cute, but inappropriate.

So I swiped left.

My daddy is sad.

That is literally my type.

This is an app for missed connections.

Spontaneous meet cute?

You'll need protection.

I know we crossed paths nine times because this app Happn is

actually a tracking device, OK?

It's living inside your phone.

This is the NSA, CIA, FBI, OK?

This is stranger danger.

I would delete it, but you never know.

Mama's got to eat, you know?

Mama's hungry. Mommy hungry.

Huh?

Guys, which one should be my main pic?

Neither.

You don't like either of them?

Um, I think that the smile is the best.

Thank you.

I think so too.

I love it.

OK, who wants this one?

Let's see a show of hands.

Right, and who wants this one?

OK.

Well, majority rules.

This will be the one.

And if I do not find my husband, I know who to blame.

I think--

Mackenzie.

that you should not put it on your profile.

Wow, that's OK.

Forget it.

Forget I ever said anything, OK?

To life, to love, a dreidel?

Is .

Mazel.

Yes.

As you guys know, Miss Jessie is Jewish.

And what did we learn about Jews?

Marry whoever, but the kids--

Must be Jewish.

Well, the classroom next door

knows what we're doing.

This one's filled with cocky dudes you won't find humble.

Miss Jessie's afraid of an app called Bumble.

Bumble.

Yes.

Like a bee.

And it stings like one too.

I'm waiting for them to message me, OK?

I'm a prize to be won.

But--

Time flies when you're talking about dating.

Am I wrong?

Many a night lost, OK?

And lucky for you, this answers your favorite question.

Miss Jessie, why do you look so tired?

Dating is exhausting.

Also, Maxine, I really like your dad.

Six months ago, a virus spread across the Earth turning

20% of humans into puppets.

My name's Matt, and I'm one of them.

Every puppet faces their own challenge.

Mine is high school.

Vocab.

El mucho means the tree.

La casa.

La casa.

That means cat.

OK, bueno, bueno.

For "manana," Chapter 4, memorize the words

for five musical instruments.

Uno dos, tres, cinco.

Five musical instruments.

All right, guys?

Hasta "nu-e-do".

Hey, Matt.

Can I borrow $5 for lunch?

Uh, don't you have your own lunch money?

Yeah, but I want the $10 burger.

Hola .

That means in Spanish.

Oh, hola, muchacha.

Can I put my burrito in your taco?

Suck a D, Rip.

Your balls.

I'm fine.

He's fine.

I'm fine.

get out of here.

Get out.

Except you, freshman.

I'm going home.

Bye.

Oh, hi, Rip.

You going to the--

Out, Peters.

OK.

What does that say?

"Hang in there, baby."

OK, that's enough.

We've established that you can read

because that sentence seems congruent

with the image of the kitten.

Yeah, so?

Well, guess what?

I can't read.

So you are going to teach me.

Why me?

Because you are a perfect combination

of someone smart, weak, and easily exploitable.

Exploitable.

Wait, you're in 11th grade.

Why can't you read?

When I was little, before the virus,

my dad, the best man on Earth, abandoned me.

They've always been big, right?

No.

Yeah, she has tiny boobs.

She had big boobs yesterday and now they're gone.

They didn't disappear yesterday.

They were always gone.

Boobs can't disappear.

Later, kid.

The truth is she has no boobs.

Why would you say that?

So I had to raise myself, freshman.

Try-- try to teach yourself to read

when you don't read yourself.

That doesn't make any sense.

Teach me to read or I will initiate a new program

called beat the shit out of you every day.

It's a terrific program where I beat

the shit out of you every day.

Toby, can you read?

I only read in pictures.

It's your call, freshman.

Beatings or readings.

Um, I guess I'll do it, but I don't think that--

Oh, captain, my captain, let's hit that shit.

B.

Q.

Together.

We're working together to achieve a goal.

Working together.

Hotdog.

You can do it if you put your mind to it.

Cooperation.

Time machine.

Cat board.

Working and cooperating.

Working together is the key.

Buttered popcorn?

Cooperation Is the key to sky's the limit.

For your goals.

So reach for the sky.

This is hard.

My cat is in the box.

I did it.

I can read.

Huh?

I achieved a goal.

You should feel good, Rip.

Just think of all the great adventures

awaiting you in books.

Shut up.

I just wanted to learn so I could read this.

It's a letter from my dad.

Finally, an explanation and apology.

The answers I've been waiting for my whole life.

"Dear son, you suck.

Love, dad."

I should probably get home for dinner.

Why'd you teach me how to read, freshman?

Hey, guys.

What's up?

I'm Matteo Lane.

We are here with pop up stand up Please, no more applause.

I can't barely date me.

We are at bar Mile 17 having a great time,

staring at everybody running for the New York City Marathon.

Please give it up for Giulia Rozzi, everybody.

What a dream come true.

There's nothing like doing comedy at 11:00 AM for people

who weren't expecting comedy.

Thank you all so much for stopping here on your way

to watch people exercise.

I've been actually jogging a lot lately

to my drug dealer's house.

I jog there and then I do a bunch of drugs

and then I run home even faster because I

think I'm being chased.

So that has been working very well.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God.

More encouragement than I've ever gotten from my parents.

Thank you so much.

Sometimes late at night when I'm stoned, I will go to the deli

to get some ice cream.

And whenever I do, I always make sure to also buy condoms

so that nobody thinks that I'm lonely

and so I can have sex with my ice cream.

So that is--

I just like to feel something cold in my body.

You guys are young.

I also want to be safe because I am lactose intolerant.

So the condoms--

All right, thank you guys so much.

Bye.

OK.

This better be funny.

Hey, welcome to Groundr.

What can I get you?

Just a medium americano black, please.

Sure thing.

Coming right up.

Might you also be interested in a scone or natural soda?

No, no. That's OK.

Cool.

Hey, do you have a Groundr loyalty card?

10 stamps and you get a free drink under $4 before 12:00 PM.

Uh, no.

No, thanks.

Or bakery item.

Uh, no, I don't have the card.

Oh, OK.

Well, sweet.

Would you be interested in our email newsletter

full of discounts and deals as well as fun

news items about our baristas?

Uh, you know what, that's fine.

I'm not actually from around here.

Two of them are Suicide Girls.

That doesn't change--

OK.

Yeah.

Well do you visit often?

You might be interested in our premium membership.

You get points on every purchase and free shipping

on bags of our House blend.

Uh, I'm actually good.

Has anyone started making the coffee, or is it--

Well, if you were a premium member,

you would get top order priority as well as a free

Groundr t-shirt on signing.

I really just want my americano.

It's a really fun shirt.

How is this shirt fun?

Well, it's just got, like, a cool drawing on it

from a local artist.

OK.

But a premium membership is only $20 a month.

Are you a medium for the shirt?

Listen, I don't--

I have not even had your coffee yet.

How do I know I want to pay more to get it quicker

and wear a shirt that advertises you?

- It's plus free shipping-- - No.

so that's not the only thing.

I do not want that. Thank you.

OK. Well, almost done.

Before we proceed to checkout, do you have any coupons?

What do you think my answer is going to be right now?

I don't know.

That's why I asked if you do you have any coupons.

No, I don't.

OK, and do you want your americano gift wrapped?

And also, would you be interested in a free single

from Lenny Kravitz? It's new.

It's free on iTunes.

I don't want the single, and why would I

want a coffee gift wrapped?

Maybe you're buying it for a friend or a loved one

and who might also like Lenny Kravitz.

Can I just get my coffee?

No Lenny Kravitz.

Of course, sir.

Do you want that now, or in three to five business days?

Now. Obviously, now.

Are you talking about the coffee or the Lenny Kravitz?

Just the coffee.

Forget about the Lenny Kravitz, please.

All righty.

That'll be $40, please.

$40?

Mm-hmm.

$2.50 for the coffee, $5 for the packaging,

$20 to be enrolled in Groundr premium

to get instant access to your coffee

purchases and $6.50 in tax.

No.

I don't want the premium service.

Cut that. - All right.

Not a problem.

That'll be $7.50, plus $93.75 in handling

and administration fees and also $0.99

for the Lenny Kravitz single.

I don't want Lenny--

Listen, no thanks.

Just cancel the whole thing.

I don't want any of it. - All right.

Well, it's already in the system.

Here's what we can do.

Once you receive your order, just return it

in its original package and the charge

should be refunded in the next two to three business weeks,

depending on your bank.

There will also be a slight restocking fee of $75.

And is that debit or credit? - Neither.

Goodbye.

But you can actually keep the Lenny Kravitz, though.

I don't want the Lenny Kravitz.

Goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you want to download our Groundr app for iPhone,

Android, Zune or Rio device?

No.

No tip?

Timber!

ton.

Can I have cookie?

It's curtains for us.

Curtains for us.

We the illest.

What? We the illest.

What?

Everybody grab your drinks.

She's here.

Who?

My ex.

Oh, no.

Go on, man. You got this.

Be strong.

Whatever you do, don't let her make you feel small.

I think I'll be OK.

As long as you guys are here--

Come on. - Hi.

- Hey. - How are you?

I'm good.

I haven't seen you since--

We broke up after graduation.

Actually, you broke up with me.

Oh, my God.

Did I?

I totally forgot about that.

What have you been up to?

I live in New York.

New York.

Oh, I am there every two weeks for work.

I have a work pied-a-terre in Soho.

Where do you live in the city?

Brooklyn.

Oh, you must save a lot of money.

Not really.

OK.

Have you met my husband?

Hey, bud.

Oh.

He's like an Aryan Superman.

I know, right?

Oh, it does not look like it's going well.

He'll be OK as long as he avoids

talking about his podcast.

You'll never truly understand the Titanic until your face

to face with it in a billion-dollar submersible that

you co-own with Mr. Cameron.

Wow, you're so cool.

He barely gets to see our baby.

He's actually a baby supermodel.

Mm-hmm.

He's doing a Calvin Klein campaign in Milan.

Yeah, he just hopped a PJ to Milan.

So what do you do, Nanza?

I have a podcast.

How fun.

I'm thinking about starting a podcast.

Right now, it's more of an idea.

I'm really a Jack of all trades, you know?

I clean the espresso machine, I work on the cash register.

Really whatever the coffee shop really needs me to do,

I'm there.

Where did he go?

Do you want to go have sex in the Tesla?

OK.

Hey, there, there, buddy.

We're going home.

I think that went well.

I'm so glad we never have to see

these people again, except for every day on Facebook.

Off the hook, but the phone never rang.

Beast On the beats.

No claws, no fangs.

Imma do my thing.