Original subtitles

Six months ago, a virus spread across the Earth turning

20% of humans into puppets.

My name's Matt, and I'm one of them.

Every puppet faces their own challenge.

Mine is high school.

I'm going to do it.

Are you serious?

I was a starting forward in junior high, Bradley.

Why can't I play in high school?

Uh, well, maybe because you're the size of the ball now.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm just being realistic, Matt.

Look, you can try out if you want.

But it's not like Coach Ellis will ever let you on the team

anyway.

He hates puppets.

Coach Ellis, I was kind of--

Why?

Didn't you hear?

His human wife left him for one.

Just sign the divorce papers.

But I still love you, Pam.

But I don't love you.

I love Elrond.

Damn, baby.

Come on.

Red Lobster Happy Hour ends in 20 minutes.

Red Lobster, Scott.

Uh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Hey, why don't you sign with me to be a towel boy?

Uh.

Hola, amigos.

Everything awesome a qui?

Hi, Mr. Peters.

Mr. Peters?

What?

Mattie, look, I know I'm your Spanish teacher

but seriously call me RJ.

I'm closer to you guys in age than most of the faculty,

you know.

Ah, cool. All right.

So what's up?

You guys trying out for the basketball team?

I was thinking maybe if I was a human but--

Hey.

Matt, you can do anything a human can.

You understand me?

You can fly a plane.

You can lasso a bull.

And you can play basketball.

OK.

Thanks, Mister-- uh, I mean, RJ.

Hey, uh, you guys follow me on Twitter yet?

- Uh-- - Uh, not yet.

No. - Twitter no.

Well, get on it.

Adios, Kobe Bryant.

Go!

All right!

Uh, can you seriously not do the splits?

Not like that, Sarah.

Yeah, that's kinda weird.

Uh, well then, you suck.

Go, Comets!

Shut up.

I don't remember the basket being that high.

Hey!

You two here to be towel boys?

I am.

Who needs a towel boy?

I do, coach.

All right, Paul.

Oh, OK.

We're starting already.

I'm just excited to be involved with the team.

All right.

Uh, my name is Matt Summers.

I'm here to try out for the team.

Really?

You come on to my court?

Wanna try out for my team, kiss my wife?

Who the hell do you think you are, Elrond?

My name's Matt.

Oh, right.

Shoot puppet.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Guys, we're gonna make a movie.

Magic Eye Shark Movie.

And we are agreeing to do this.

Yeah, tentatively committed.

Pfft.

Ch-ch-ch-- Mike Poulter.

He's writing the new "Air Bud Sings the Blues" movie,

so he passed.

What was that one again?

Air Bud learns how to play competitive blues guitar.

Is he good at it?

Very.

- That's good. - OK.

So are the sharks male or female?

Oh, they're both.

Are all of them Caucasian?

Well, we could have an Asian shark.

Great. That's perfect.

OK.

So all the sharks live at the core of the Earth.

And they have to keep on swimming around in circles

to keep the Earth rotated.

So there can be gravity?

Yes, exactly.

But then something has to stop them.

There has to be an outside force on Earth

that prevents them from being able to do their job.

Oh, well, that could be like "Fifty

Shades of Grey" becoming a national best seller, right?

Or Honey Boo Boo getting better ratings

than the Republican National Convention.

It could be anything. - Yeah.

I mean, the point is the sharks are not having a good time.

No.

It's bogus down there.

And they're getting so POed.

And they're gonna have to bail, bro.

Right.

And then they decide--

like, so hopping mad to jump out of the core of the Earth

into the ocean.

Yeah.

The Chinese shark, what if he deals weed?

Like on the side?

Just a side job, right?

Right.

Supplemental income.

So that when all of the sharks busts through the sands,

they're chasing around the beach people.

Beachgoers.

Right.

Beachgoers, whatever.

He's left behind because it's too busy selling weed.

- Of course. - Some kid.

Yeah.

All of a sudden, lifeguard comes in nowhere,

shoots him in the fin--

for the sake of our script, all lifeguards have guns.

All the guns like in the Speed Racer movie.

Exactly. Right.

OK.

Well, then, that's the perfect opportunity for Lifeguard Rob

to come in.

Yes.

And then he's got the big old boss shark in a net,

and he's gonna interrogate him.

And he's going to find out about their plan to stop

the Earth from spinning.

What if he can't interrogate?

What?

'Cause he needs a translator.

Why would he need a translator?

Because the shark speaks Chinese.

Cream, no sugar.

Give me that.

I'm so close.

Cancel my meeting.

Wait.

The one the Dutch investors flew in for?

Yes.

So there are only two groups of sharks left, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One group gets inside a helicopter,

and then the pilot sharks salutes everybody.

And then the helicopter immediately

crashes because sharks can't fly helicopters.

So everyone knows. - Everyone knows that.

All right.

OK, so then everyone who's read Fifty Shades of Grey

has to apologize.

And then the Asian shark who's now

a US double agent lures all the other sharks back

into the core!

The core!

The core of the moon!

Hey, Marcia, where's my meeting?

I miss you.

Girl, I miss you, too.

I hate that we live in different places.

What if we move in together?

OK, you ended that like a question.

So it seems like even you know that's a bad idea.

Oh. Hi.

So, so, so close.

OK.

Oh.

Some things in this world aren't beautiful like being

homeless and deaf.

Donate your beautiful money.

That was really nice to read.

Yeah.

Here.

Oh, I wanna see.

I wanna see. Oh, OK.

I get it.

You go to Cher first, then you come to me

and keep it personal.

That was so nice.

Excuse me.

What?

What a garbage monster.

Shh.

Oh, that deaf old garbage monster can't hear me.

What is a garbage monster?

And if anything, he's actually a pretty savvy businessman.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Do not suggest that we start doing that.

I won't.

Why didn't he ask me for money?

What do I look like?

Do I look like a person who doesn't have money?

Well, you never actually have any money.

What?

Yes, that was so good.

I wanna give you like 20 bucks.

Uh, ooh.

Cher, can I borrow $20?

You're such a garbage monster sometimes.

Garbage monster?

I'm gonna use that one day.

Thanks.

It's from her purse but from my heart.

We could do that.

We should dance for money.

No.

What?

One time.

That was one time.

And regardless of the fact that I am going to leave you

with that check, I want you to know that that man

is indeed a garbage monster.

Ach!

What?

That's fake.

Uh, Jason Jones. Hey.

- Rob. - Yeah.

Hey!

I used to recognize you from the--

Yeah, man. I'm your biggest fan.

- Uh, what? - Yeah.

'Cause I was-- that's what I was gonna say.

While you're here, can I--

That's why I'm here, man.

Yeah, yeah.

You said that when it comes to interviews--

Yeah.

you get more access by being harder on people.

That is true.

If I ask you the tough question,

do you think we could be best friends?

That's not how best friends work but yeah.

You know, yeah, ask me a tough question.

Yeah.

Did you always know you're gonna be famous?

That's not really a tough question, man.

No, no.

I'm just like a poor kid from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

They made a musical about your town, so that's--

It's a different Hamilton, but--

Right.

Um, the detour?

Yeah.

You guys take stuff from your real lives

and put it into the show?

Yeah.

Is this gonna be on the show?

No.

Um, for season three, what do you think about, um, if you

have like a long-lost brother?

Well, we've already shot season three,

so I need a time machine to go back and do it, so.

Are you an inventor of a time machine?

Um, your character on the show gets hurt a lot.

Yes, he does. Yes.

I work with stuntmen.

Maybe I could be one of them?

Sure.

You gotta feel pain.

I don't feel much, but I would do whatever you need.

You ready?

Yeah.

I know what's right-- and what's not right.

Right? Um--

It hurts.

It hurt.

I'm kinda back to being your best friend actually.

Full circle.

Do you want hit me again then?

I was hoping you'd say no.

You can hit me back if you want.

I mean, I can take it.

Don't you at me.

I'm sorry.

No, you-- I thought you--

I have a stuntman for that, OK?

I get another meeting here, so.

- Oh, OK. - Get some ice on there.

Yeah, it hurts.

Yeah, it should.

I know how to punch.

Isn't it crazy how next year we're

gonna be in seventh grade?

Yeah.

We're gonna be kissing girls like tomorrow.

How do you know I already haven't?

Shut up.

No, you haven't.

Hey.

My sister says that if you practice kissing on your hand,

it makes you like way better.

Let's do it.

Are we doing it right?

Are you using tongue?

What if she wants to have sex?

We're gonna be pros at this.

Yeah, our first time, she's gonna be like, wow.

You must have learned how to do sex from Neve Campbell.

I think I wanna try anal.

They don't wanna do that unless you

prove you're really committed.

I now pronounce you man and hand.

Wait.

What if they wanna have kids?

Come on, honey.

Breathe, breathe.

Push, honey. Push, honey.

Breathe.

You're doing great.

OK, one big push and--

It's a hand.

It's a beautiful baby hand.

Did you hear that, honey?

It's a hand.

Blake, I have some bad news.

Your hands lost a lot of blood and--

I miss you, hand.

Sometimes I could still hear you snapping.

Oh, you love to snap.

I met someone.

I think you'd like her.

Now we're ready for real girls

Or--

I think I still look good if I do this.

Look at how much worse mine is than yours.

I think if I went to like a dance like this,

I'd make more friends.

I think if I try to pick up a man like this,

I would get punched in the face.

You don't even have a double chin.

This is like Trump's face.

Oh, shoot.

I have to get ready for my audition.

For what?

Oh, yeah.

Good luck on that. - Thank you.

Wait.

Will you run lines with me, actually?

Um, sure. Yeah, yeah.

OK. Here.

I highlighted your parts.

What do I do?

Just--

Thank you.

OK.

Um, OK.

OK.

Uh, so how long do you think you'll be gone?

I think we should break up.

What do you mean?

Oh, no.

It's um-- it's the first line in the script.

Oh.

Right. OK.

Sorry, I thought--

It's fine. You can just--

Right. OK, right.

Duh.

OK.

Break up?

Where is this coming out of?

No, I'm serious.

I think we should stop seeing each other.

Wait.

Like for real?

OK, is this the thing?

Or is this like-- is this real life, or is this fake life?

Or is it like second life?

Scott, this is fake life.

This is the scene. - OK.

But you like took the script out of my hands.

And it just felt like--

It's method acting.

Can we just continue please? - Yes.

OK. Sure.

Sorry. Let's do it.

The unattractive boyfriend picks his nose.

See?

Like how did you know that I was just gonna do that?

Cut two.

Exterior house-- moments later, boyfriend

with a stupid look on his face walks to his car confused

about how he got there.

How the f did I get here?

He puts his only belongings

in the back of his car.

OK, it's like I'm doing things,

and I don't mean to be doing them.

He sneezes once--

twice--

three times.

Please.

- He stops. - Thank you.

He gags.

Oh my gosh.

You're doing great, OK?

It's all in the script.

Like a Gypsy which.

A sports car turns onto the street screeching.

Little does Scott know his car will lose control--

I do know you just said it.

spearing his body like a river tuna.

OK.

No, make it stop.

His skull will be crushed.

Babe, no.

What?

Blood will burst out of every pore in his body.

Will you stop reading?

Hell will not be kind to the boyfriend.

For the love of God, stop reading this script.

Look, do you just want to break up with me, OK?

What?

No.

Hey, come on.

I love you.

I love you, too, but this whole thing

is like super weird.

I'm like moving and all these weird ways.

If I get this part, we could--

we would be great for both of us.

I can finally pay the bent on-- rent--

rent on time. - What are you talking about?

What are you looking at?

Oh, come on.

That's a cut.

Was that OK?

Where did all these people come from?

Yeah, that was great, babe.

Impressive.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, we've broken up, Scott.

That's a wrap everybody.

Thank you.

Whoo.

Sweetie, who's that little guy?

Awesome.

I'm on my knees, OK?

I'm sorry about the time that I've filled out the adoption

paper in your behalf, man.

You're a real son of a ...

Why?

What kind of sick person goes out of their way

to tell a kid he's adopted?

Huh?

That didn't happen, Sammy.

Your mom and I, we wished upon a stork--

and look, there's a Ninja Turtles in here.

Why would you say that?

Why would you say there was a Ninja Turtle here?

He knows he's not your kid.

What do you-- what do you mean?

He's five years old.

He gets it.

I'm 11.

11.

And Woody Allens don't make Michael Jordans.

Chinese people do, if you know what I'm saying.

What the-- he doesn't know what you're saying.

Sammy's my son.

Listen, man.

Take all that "I don't see color"

stuff back to the Salvation Army, all right?

What?

Maybe you're my dad.

No way.

I always wrap it up.

And besides, look, your head is too small,

and you still believe in Ninja Turtles.

Ain't no way you're my kid.

We're eating the same dinner.

Lots of people eat hamburgers, little man.

That's coincidence.

You like samurai sports? - No.

Me neither. You ever been to Florida?

Never.

Once.

But that doesn't really count.

If you were on a desert island and you had your iPod

and you could play one song, what song would it be?

Anything by--

Bryan Adams!

Oh.

I want my son back

Oh, come on.

You think he's your son just because you both like

terrible Canadian music?

Word association.

I'll say titties. You say--

Paula Abdul?

That's my son.

God.

Everything's gonna be different, son.

We're going to be inseparable like mashed potatoes

and cheese, like Puerto Ricans with loud muffler noises

and horns and say, .

I love you, son.

I love you, dad.

Never leave you.

Never.

Hello?

Oh.

Yeah?

She's hot?

She's doing everything?

Everybody?

I'm on my way.

Yeah.

So your grandma's really sick, so I'm

going to have to go to Canada and check her out, OK?

Can you take care of my son for me?

His name is Sammy.

I know who he is.

- You forgive me, right? - No.

- Peace. - No.

OK.

Well, I guess that's Canadian for some day.

Tony, I love you, man.

It's Sammy.

It's Sammy.

Hey, Thingstarter.

Like a lot of you, I enjoy listening to audiobooks.

But they're just not the same experience

as hearing books read in your own internal reading voice.

That's why I want you to help me find my new project,

audiobooks read by you.

We'll bring you into a professional recording studio

to capture you reading the entire book out loud.

Crime and punishment, page 182.

Then after 9, quick 12-hour sessions,

you'll have your very own personalized audiobook

read by you.

It gives you an authentic reading

experience with all the time-saving benefits

of an audiobook.

Audiobooks read by you also preserves the other things that

make reading unique to you.

We'll have you mumble names so you

don't know how to pronounce.

"What do you think?" shouted Razum--

Raz something, louder than ever.

And we'll preserve those precious moments when

your mind begins to wander.

But in the second m you're a bird.

I bet a duck is a bird.

A duck is definitely a bird.

Why is my dad always on Facebook?

I think that guy at Home Depot does have a crush on me.

Wait, who is this character?

I don't remember any of these pages.

The joy of a good book also comes

from letting others know that you have good taste, which

is why each audiobook read by you

comes with a dummy book specially designed

for you to hold while listening.

The dummy book has that real book smell

and thoughtful notes scribbled in the margins.

But don't worry.

The printed text is just gibberish,

so you won't accidentally read anything.

The feedback has been great, and we're

already starting to implement some of your suggestions.

For those of you that don't like the sound of your own voice,

now, there's audio books read by you but not by you.

We'll have a trained actor listen

to your recording then rerecord it, keeping

your specific reading cadence.

You'll be amazed how good you sound

when your words come from the voice of a professional talker.

To go wrong in one's own way is better than

to go right in someone else's.

For those of you that have asked for an audiobook

in your own voice but don't know how to read,

we also have audiobooks repeated by you

after being read by someone else, where you can

listen to an actor read a book then

repeat it in your own voice.

And yes, we have a solution for those

who can't read and don't like the sound of their own voice.

audiobooks repeated by you after being read by someone else

but not by you.

There is nothing in the world more difficult than candor.

Oh.

There's nothing in the--

Am I--

No, I think-- no, I think it's--

But I'm--

Audiobooks read by you--

just like reading a book without actually

reading a book by reading a book and recording it in a studio.

John Hughes, thank you so much for coming in.

We are huge fans of yours.

Oh, thanks.

I loved that Asian boy character in "Sixty Candles."

Where did you find him?

Well, probably in Asia.

So "Home Alone."

This has all the makings of a great Christmas movie.

A nice white family takes place during Christmas.

Hard part's over.

OK, good to know.

But you lose me with this opening scene.

There's a big family dinner, and they're all yelling.

And they're fighting, and they all hate each other.

I hate this perverted fat teenager buzz.

And then at one point, you've got a nasty bald uncle

telling a child he's a jerk.

Yeah, I'm trying to depict

an average American Family but without the sugarcoat.

Uh, we'll put a little sugar on top for me

this time because I like sugar.

Cavities.

It's like sweet tooth.

So you need to make the family nice and likable.

That way the mother and the boy won't have that terrible fight.

And then she won't accidentally leave

him at home the next morning.

Terry, problem solved.

Yeah, I don't know.

See, now we've got a Christmas movie.

The family is on a holiday vacation in Paris.

Oh, Christmas by the Eiffel Tower.

Ooh, la, la, la, la.

And the family, they could be confused by all

these weird smelly foreigners. - Yeah.

I love that.

Oh my God, those creepy Frenchmen.

I hate them.

Ooh, Gerard Depardieu, we can get

him to play someone disgusting. - Oh, yeah.

It's so much better already.

Those are big changes.

Now we're going to cut out all those crappy miserable

family scenes in the airport.

Uh, who wants to see a family be miserable on Christmas?

Oh, John Hughes does. That's about it.

You separate a mother from her son,

and then you force us to watch her helpless and in pain?

Merry Christmas to you, John Hughes.

OK.

I didn't see it that way.

And what exactly is happening

with this boy in Chicago?

He's been abandoned by his family,

so he starts shaving his face and pretending

that he's an adult male.

It's very disconcerting behavior.

He's slowly going insane without his family,

and so he becomes obsessed with protecting his house.

Am I reading this right?

See, Kevin is forced to grow up.

There's no way we would green-light a film, where

you got a child having a bloody street feud with a couple

of deranged criminals. Come on.

If we're being serious, they would

shoot that dirty little rat in the head on page two.

Bang! Kevin's dead.

This movie's over.

OK, roll credits.

Look, this is meant to be a family movie.

Oh, OK.

Somebody here didn't grow up with a family.

Let me tell you because this is not family movie material.

You think you know what a family movie is, you idiot?

He's an idiot.

Is he an idiot? - I think he's stupid.

He doesn't get what a family movie is.

Yeah. You know what?

Some of the details you have in here are extremely disturbing.

This is more of a Swedish torture film.

Look, we're going to play up the violence

in, like, a fun cartoonish way.

OK.

So let me see.

A man getting his head burnt with a blowtorch.

You think that's fun?

Allison, can you call the police on John Hughes?

Whenever I see a nail going through a man's foot,

I consider that a bad Christmas.

All right.

Imagine an actor like Joe Pesci, tough guy,

fighting a seven-year-old kid.

It's so over-the-top. It's funny.

Joe Pesci would never agree to be

in this pile of caca-dodo.

You're not getting the Pesc, OK?

No, no.

And people would never laugh at him.

People are terrified of that angry little man including me.

The only decent person in this script

is the old man with the shovel, and he

scares the crap out of me. What is he?

Kill the kid at the end?

I didn't even get that far.

Yeah, we're not going to make this insane street fight

house torture fetish movie.

You're making a mistake because this movie

is going to be huge.

I think you made a big mistake when you wrote

this and thought it was good.

Thank you so much for coming in, John.

We really are huge fans of yours.