All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S04E02.No.Im.Serious.I.Think.We.Should.Stop.Seeing.Each.Other.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Six months ago, a virus
spread across the Earth turning

20% of humans into puppets.

My name's Matt, and
I'm one of them.

Every puppet faces
their own challenge.

Mine is high school.

I'm going to do it.

Are you serious?

I was a starting forward
in junior high, Bradley.

Why can't I play in high school?

Uh, well, maybe because
you're the size of the ball now.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm just being
realistic, Matt.

Look, you can try
out if you want.

But it's not like Coach Ellis
will ever let you on the team

anyway.

He hates puppets.

Coach Ellis, I was kind of--

Why?

Didn't you hear?

His human wife left him for one.

Just sign the divorce papers.

But I still love you, Pam.

But I don't love you.

I love Elrond.

Damn, baby.

Come on.

Red Lobster Happy Hour
ends in 20 minutes.

Red Lobster, Scott.

Uh, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Hey, why don't you sign
with me to be a towel boy?

Uh.

Hola, amigos.

Everything awesome a qui?

Hi, Mr. Peters.

Mr. Peters?

What?

Mattie, look, I know
I'm your Spanish teacher

but seriously call me RJ.

I'm closer to you guys in
age than most of the faculty,

you know.

Ah, cool.
All right.

So what's up?

You guys trying out for
the basketball team?

I was thinking maybe
if I was a human but--

Hey.

Matt, you can do
anything a human can.

You understand me?

You can fly a plane.

You can lasso a bull.

And you can play basketball.

OK.

Thanks, Mister-- uh, I mean, RJ.

Hey, uh, you guys
follow me on Twitter yet?

- Uh--
- Uh, not yet.

No.
- Twitter no.

Well, get on it.

Adios, Kobe Bryant.

Go!

All right!

Uh, can you seriously
not do the splits?

Not like that, Sarah.

Yeah, that's kinda weird.

Uh, well then, you suck.

Go, Comets!

Shut up.

I don't remember the
basket being that high.

Hey!

You two here to be towel boys?

I am.

Who needs a towel boy?

I do, coach.

All right, Paul.

Oh, OK.

We're starting already.

I'm just excited to be
involved with the team.

All right.

Uh, my name is Matt Summers.

I'm here to try
out for the team.

Really?

You come on to my court?

Wanna try out for my
team, kiss my wife?

Who the hell do you
think you are, Elrond?

My name's Matt.

Oh, right.

Shoot puppet.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Guys, we're
gonna make a movie.

Magic Eye Shark Movie.

And we are
agreeing to do this.

Yeah, tentatively committed.

Pfft.

Ch-ch-ch-- Mike Poulter.

He's writing the new "Air
Bud Sings the Blues" movie,

so he passed.

What was that one again?

Air Bud learns how to play
competitive blues guitar.

Is he good at it?

Very.

- That's good.
- OK.

So are the sharks
male or female?

Oh, they're both.

Are all of them Caucasian?

Well, we could
have an Asian shark.

Great.
That's perfect.

OK.

So all the sharks live
at the core of the Earth.

And they have to keep on
swimming around in circles

to keep the Earth rotated.

So there can be gravity?

Yes, exactly.

But then something
has to stop them.

There has to be an
outside force on Earth

that prevents them from
being able to do their job.

Oh, well, that
could be like "Fifty

Shades of Grey" becoming a
national best seller, right?

Or Honey Boo Boo
getting better ratings

than the Republican
National Convention.

It could be anything.
- Yeah.

I mean, the point is the sharks
are not having a good time.

No.

It's bogus down there.

And they're getting so POed.

And they're gonna
have to bail, bro.

Right.

And then they decide--

like, so hopping mad to jump
out of the core of the Earth

into the ocean.

Yeah.

The Chinese shark,
what if he deals weed?

Like on the side?

Just a side job, right?

Right.

Supplemental income.

So that when all of the sharks
busts through the sands,

they're chasing around
the beach people.

Beachgoers.

Right.

Beachgoers, whatever.

He's left behind because
it's too busy selling weed.

- Of course.
- Some kid.

Yeah.

All of a sudden,
lifeguard comes in nowhere,

shoots him in the fin--

for the sake of our script,
all lifeguards have guns.

All the guns like in
the Speed Racer movie.

Exactly.
Right.

OK.

Well, then, that's the perfect
opportunity for Lifeguard Rob

to come in.

Yes.

And then he's got the big
old boss shark in a net,

and he's gonna interrogate him.

And he's going to find out
about their plan to stop

the Earth from spinning.

What if he can't interrogate?

What?

'Cause he needs a translator.

Why would he
need a translator?

Because the shark
speaks Chinese.

Cream, no sugar.

Give me that.

I'm so close.

Cancel my meeting.

Wait.

The one the Dutch
investors flew in for?

Yes.

So there are only two
groups of sharks left, right?

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

One group gets
inside a helicopter,

and then the pilot
sharks salutes everybody.

And then the
helicopter immediately

crashes because sharks
can't fly helicopters.

So everyone knows.
- Everyone knows that.

All right.

OK, so then everyone who's
read Fifty Shades of Grey

has to apologize.

And then the Asian
shark who's now

a US double agent lures
all the other sharks back

into the core!

The core!

The core of the moon!

Hey, Marcia,
where's my meeting?

I miss you.

Girl, I miss you, too.

I hate that we live
in different places.

What if we move in together?

OK, you ended that
like a question.

So it seems like even you
know that's a bad idea.

Oh.
Hi.

So, so, so close.

OK.

Oh.

Some things in this world
aren't beautiful like being

homeless and deaf.

Donate your beautiful money.

That was really nice to read.

Yeah.

Here.

Oh, I wanna see.

I wanna see.
Oh, OK.

I get it.

You go to Cher first,
then you come to me

and keep it personal.

That was so nice.

Excuse me.

What?

What a garbage monster.

Shh.

Oh, that deaf old garbage
monster can't hear me.

What is a garbage monster?

And if anything, he's actually
a pretty savvy businessman.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Do not suggest that
we start doing that.

I won't.

Why didn't he
ask me for money?

What do I look like?

Do I look like a person
who doesn't have money?

Well, you never
actually have any money.

What?

Yes, that was so good.

I wanna give you like 20 bucks.

Uh, ooh.

Cher, can I borrow $20?

You're such a garbage
monster sometimes.

Garbage monster?

I'm gonna use that one day.

Thanks.

It's from her purse
but from my heart.

We could do that.

We should dance for money.

No.

What?

One time.

That was one time.

And regardless of the fact
that I am going to leave you

with that check, I want
you to know that that man

is indeed a garbage monster.

Ach!

What?

That's fake.

Uh, Jason Jones.
Hey.

- Rob.
- Yeah.

Hey!

I used to recognize
you from the--

Yeah, man.
I'm your biggest fan.

- Uh, what?
- Yeah.

'Cause I was-- that's
what I was gonna say.

While you're here, can I--

That's why I'm here, man.

Yeah, yeah.

You said that when it
comes to interviews--

Yeah.

you get more access
by being harder on people.

That is true.

If I ask you the
tough question,

do you think we could
be best friends?

That's not how best
friends work but yeah.

You know, yeah, ask
me a tough question.

Yeah.

Did you always know
you're gonna be famous?

That's not really a
tough question, man.

No, no.

I'm just like a poor kid from
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

They made a musical about
your town, so that's--

It's a different
Hamilton, but--

Right.

Um, the detour?

Yeah.

You guys take stuff
from your real lives

and put it into the show?

Yeah.

Is this gonna be on the show?

No.

Um, for season three, what
do you think about, um, if you

have like a long-lost brother?

Well, we've already
shot season three,

so I need a time machine
to go back and do it, so.

Are you an inventor
of a time machine?

Um, your character on
the show gets hurt a lot.

Yes, he does.
Yes.

I work with stuntmen.

Maybe I could be one of them?

Sure.

You gotta feel pain.

I don't feel much, but I
would do whatever you need.

You ready?

Yeah.

I know what's right--
and what's not right.

Right?
Um--

It hurts.

It hurt.

I'm kinda back to being
your best friend actually.

Full circle.

Do you want hit me again then?

I was hoping you'd say no.

You can hit me
back if you want.

I mean, I can take it.

Don't you at me.

I'm sorry.

No, you-- I thought you--

I have a stuntman
for that, OK?

I get another meeting here, so.

- Oh, OK.
- Get some ice on there.

Yeah, it hurts.

Yeah, it should.

I know how to punch.

Isn't it crazy
how next year we're

gonna be in seventh grade?

Yeah.

We're gonna be kissing
girls like tomorrow.

How do you know
I already haven't?

Shut up.

No, you haven't.

Hey.

My sister says that if you
practice kissing on your hand,

it makes you like way better.

Let's do it.

Are we doing it right?

Are you using tongue?

What if she wants to have sex?

We're gonna be pros at this.

Yeah, our first time,
she's gonna be like, wow.

You must have learned how to
do sex from Neve Campbell.

I think I wanna try anal.

They don't wanna
do that unless you

prove you're really committed.

I now pronounce
you man and hand.

Wait.

What if they wanna have kids?

Come on, honey.

Breathe, breathe.

Push, honey.
Push, honey.

Breathe.

You're doing great.

OK, one big push and--

It's a hand.

It's a beautiful baby hand.

Did you hear that, honey?

It's a hand.

Blake, I have some bad news.

Your hands lost a
lot of blood and--

I miss you, hand.

Sometimes I could still
hear you snapping.

Oh, you love to snap.

I met someone.

I think you'd like her.

Now we're ready for real girls

Or--

I think I still look
good if I do this.

Look at how much
worse mine is than yours.

I think if I went to
like a dance like this,

I'd make more friends.

I think if I try to
pick up a man like this,

I would get punched in the face.

You don't even
have a double chin.

This is like Trump's face.

Oh, shoot.

I have to get ready
for my audition.

For what?

Oh, yeah.

Good luck on that.
- Thank you.

Wait.

Will you run lines
with me, actually?

Um, sure.
Yeah, yeah.

OK.
Here.

I highlighted your parts.

What do I do?

Just--

Thank you.

OK.

Um, OK.

OK.

Uh, so how long do
you think you'll be gone?

I think we should break up.

What do you mean?

Oh, no.

It's um-- it's the first
line in the script.

Oh.

Right.
OK.

Sorry, I thought--

It's fine.
You can just--

Right.
OK, right.

Duh.

OK.

Break up?

Where is this coming out of?

No, I'm serious.

I think we should stop
seeing each other.

Wait.

Like for real?

OK, is this the thing?

Or is this like-- is this real
life, or is this fake life?

Or is it like second life?

Scott, this is fake life.

This is the scene.
- OK.

But you like took the
script out of my hands.

And it just felt like--

It's method acting.

Can we just continue please?
- Yes.

OK.
Sure.

Sorry.
Let's do it.

The unattractive
boyfriend picks his nose.

See?

Like how did you know that
I was just gonna do that?

Cut two.

Exterior house--
moments later, boyfriend

with a stupid look on his
face walks to his car confused

about how he got there.

How the f did I get here?

He puts
his only belongings

in the back of his car.

OK, it's like
I'm doing things,

and I don't mean
to be doing them.

He sneezes once--

twice--

three times.

Please.

- He stops.
- Thank you.

He gags.

Oh my gosh.

You're doing great, OK?

It's all in the script.

Like a Gypsy which.

A sports car turns onto
the street screeching.

Little does Scott know his
car will lose control--

I do know you just said it.

spearing his body
like a river tuna.

OK.

No, make it stop.

His skull will be crushed.

Babe, no.

What?

Blood will burst out of
every pore in his body.

Will you stop reading?

Hell will not be
kind to the boyfriend.

For the love of God,
stop reading this script.

Look, do you just want
to break up with me, OK?

What?

No.

Hey, come on.

I love you.

I love you, too,
but this whole thing

is like super weird.

I'm like moving and
all these weird ways.

If I get this part, we could--

we would be great
for both of us.

I can finally pay
the bent on-- rent--

rent on time.
- What are you talking about?

What are you looking at?

Oh, come on.

That's a cut.

Was that OK?

Where did all these
people come from?

Yeah, that
was great, babe.

Impressive.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, we've broken up, Scott.

That's a wrap everybody.

Thank you.

Whoo.

Sweetie, who's
that little guy?

Awesome.

I'm on my knees, OK?

I'm sorry about the time that
I've filled out the adoption

paper in your behalf, man.

You're a real
son of a ...

Why?

What kind of sick person
goes out of their way

to tell a kid he's adopted?

Huh?

That didn't happen, Sammy.

Your mom and I, we
wished upon a stork--

and look, there's a
Ninja Turtles in here.

Why would you say that?

Why would you say there
was a Ninja Turtle here?

He knows he's not your kid.

What do you--
what do you mean?

He's five years old.

He gets it.

I'm 11.

11.

And Woody Allens don't
make Michael Jordans.

Chinese people do, if
you know what I'm saying.

What the-- he doesn't
know what you're saying.

Sammy's my son.

Listen, man.

Take all that "I
don't see color"

stuff back to the
Salvation Army, all right?

What?

Maybe you're my dad.

No way.

I always wrap it up.

And besides, look,
your head is too small,

and you still believe
in Ninja Turtles.

Ain't no way you're my kid.

We're eating the same dinner.

Lots of people eat
hamburgers, little man.

That's coincidence.

You like samurai sports?
- No.

Me neither.
You ever been to Florida?

Never.

Once.

But that doesn't really count.

If you were on a desert
island and you had your iPod

and you could play one
song, what song would it be?

Anything by--

Bryan Adams!

Oh.

I want my son back

Oh, come on.

You think he's your son
just because you both like

terrible Canadian music?

Word association.

I'll say titties.
You say--

Paula Abdul?

That's my son.

God.

Everything's gonna
be different, son.

We're going to be inseparable
like mashed potatoes

and cheese, like Puerto Ricans
with loud muffler noises

and horns and say, .

I love you, son.

I love you, dad.

Never leave you.

Never.

Hello?

Oh.

Yeah?

She's hot?

She's doing everything?

Everybody?

I'm on my way.

Yeah.

So your grandma's
really sick, so I'm

going to have to go to
Canada and check her out, OK?

Can you take care
of my son for me?

His name is Sammy.

I know who he is.

- You forgive me, right?
- No.

- Peace.
- No.

OK.

Well, I guess that's
Canadian for some day.

Tony, I love you, man.

It's Sammy.

It's Sammy.

Hey, Thingstarter.

Like a lot of you, I enjoy
listening to audiobooks.

But they're just not
the same experience

as hearing books read in your
own internal reading voice.

That's why I want you to
help me find my new project,

audiobooks read by you.

We'll bring you into a
professional recording studio

to capture you reading
the entire book out loud.

Crime and
punishment, page 182.

Then after 9,
quick 12-hour sessions,

you'll have your very own
personalized audiobook

read by you.

It gives you an
authentic reading

experience with all the
time-saving benefits

of an audiobook.

Audiobooks read by you also
preserves the other things that

make reading unique to you.

We'll have you
mumble names so you

don't know how to pronounce.

"What do you think?"
shouted Razum--

Raz something, louder than ever.

And we'll preserve those
precious moments when

your mind begins to wander.

But in the second
m you're a bird.

I bet a duck is a bird.

A duck is definitely a bird.

Why is my dad
always on Facebook?

I think that guy at Home
Depot does have a crush on me.

Wait, who is this character?

I don't remember
any of these pages.

The joy of a good
book also comes

from letting others know that
you have good taste, which

is why each
audiobook read by you

comes with a dummy
book specially designed

for you to hold while listening.

The dummy book has
that real book smell

and thoughtful notes
scribbled in the margins.

But don't worry.

The printed text
is just gibberish,

so you won't accidentally
read anything.

The feedback has
been great, and we're

already starting to implement
some of your suggestions.

For those of you that don't like
the sound of your own voice,

now, there's audio books
read by you but not by you.

We'll have a
trained actor listen

to your recording then
rerecord it, keeping

your specific reading cadence.

You'll be amazed
how good you sound

when your words come from the
voice of a professional talker.

To go wrong in one's
own way is better than

to go right in someone else's.

For those of you that
have asked for an audiobook

in your own voice but
don't know how to read,

we also have audiobooks
repeated by you

after being read by
someone else, where you can

listen to an actor
read a book then

repeat it in your own voice.

And yes, we have a
solution for those

who can't read and don't like
the sound of their own voice.

audiobooks repeated by you
after being read by someone else

but not by you.

There is nothing in the world
more difficult than candor.

Oh.

There's nothing in the--

Am I--

No, I think--
no, I think it's--

But I'm--

Audiobooks read by you--

just like reading a
book without actually

reading a book by reading a book
and recording it in a studio.

John Hughes, thank you
so much for coming in.

We are huge fans of yours.

Oh, thanks.

I loved that Asian boy
character in "Sixty Candles."

Where did you find him?

Well, probably in Asia.

So "Home Alone."

This has all the makings
of a great Christmas movie.

A nice white family takes
place during Christmas.

Hard part's over.

OK, good to know.

But you lose me with
this opening scene.

There's a big family dinner,
and they're all yelling.

And they're fighting, and
they all hate each other.

I hate this
perverted fat teenager buzz.

And then at one point,
you've got a nasty bald uncle

telling a child he's a jerk.

Yeah,
I'm trying to depict

an average American Family
but without the sugarcoat.

Uh, we'll put a
little sugar on top for me

this time because I like sugar.

Cavities.

It's like sweet tooth.

So you need to make
the family nice and likable.

That way the mother and the boy
won't have that terrible fight.

And then she won't
accidentally leave

him at home the next morning.

Terry, problem solved.

Yeah, I don't know.

See, now we've
got a Christmas movie.

The family is on a
holiday vacation in Paris.

Oh, Christmas by
the Eiffel Tower.

Ooh, la, la, la, la.

And the family, they
could be confused by all

these weird smelly foreigners.
- Yeah.

I love that.

Oh my God, those
creepy Frenchmen.

I hate them.

Ooh, Gerard
Depardieu, we can get

him to play someone disgusting.
- Oh, yeah.

It's so much better already.

Those are big changes.

Now we're going to cut
out all those crappy miserable

family scenes in the airport.

Uh, who wants to see a family
be miserable on Christmas?

Oh, John Hughes does.
That's about it.

You separate
a mother from her son,

and then you force us to watch
her helpless and in pain?

Merry Christmas to
you, John Hughes.

OK.

I didn't see it that way.

And what
exactly is happening

with this boy in Chicago?

He's been abandoned
by his family,

so he starts shaving
his face and pretending

that he's an adult male.

It's very
disconcerting behavior.

He's slowly going
insane without his family,

and so he becomes obsessed
with protecting his house.

Am I reading this right?

See, Kevin
is forced to grow up.

There's no way we
would green-light a film, where

you got a child having a bloody
street feud with a couple

of deranged criminals.
Come on.

If we're being
serious, they would

shoot that dirty little rat
in the head on page two.

Bang!
Kevin's dead.

This movie's over.

OK, roll credits.

Look, this is meant
to be a family movie.

Oh, OK.

Somebody here didn't
grow up with a family.

Let me tell you because this
is not family movie material.

You think you know what a
family movie is, you idiot?

He's an idiot.

Is he an idiot?
- I think he's stupid.

He doesn't get what
a family movie is.

Yeah.
You know what?

Some of the details you have in
here are extremely disturbing.

This is more of a
Swedish torture film.

Look, we're
going to play up the violence

in, like, a fun cartoonish way.

OK.

So let me see.

A man getting his head
burnt with a blowtorch.

You think that's fun?

Allison, can you call the
police on John Hughes?

Whenever I see a nail
going through a man's foot,

I consider that a bad Christmas.

All right.

Imagine an actor like
Joe Pesci, tough guy,

fighting a seven-year-old kid.

It's so over-the-top.
It's funny.

Joe Pesci would
never agree to be

in this pile of caca-dodo.

You're not
getting the Pesc, OK?

No, no.

And people would
never laugh at him.

People are terrified of that
angry little man including me.

The only decent
person in this script

is the old man with
the shovel, and he

scares the crap out of me.
What is he?

Kill the kid at the end?

I didn't even get that far.

Yeah, we're not going to
make this insane street fight

house torture fetish movie.

You're making a mistake
because this movie

is going to be huge.

I think you made
a big mistake when you wrote

this and thought it was good.

Thank you so much
for coming in, John.

We really are huge
fans of yours.