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1
00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:21,369
In
a city of millions,
2
00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:23,849
is it possible to
find true love if you
3
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,764
aren't being true to yourself?
4
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:27,157
Hey, everybody.
5
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:30,247
Welcome to Manhattan
afternoon speed dating.
6
00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:33,337
So when you guys are ready to
switch partners,
7
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:34,512
hit that bell.
8
00:00:34,643 --> 00:00:35,687
And happy hunting!
9
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:37,428
Haha.
10
00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:39,387
I used to run
from who I am, but no more.
11
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,519
Now I'm going to be the
real me no matter what
12
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,652
other people think.
13
00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:44,870
Hi, I'm Sarah Lloyd.
14
00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:46,307
I'm Eugene Hitler.
15
00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:48,831
I'm Eugene Hitler.
16
00:00:48,961 --> 00:00:51,007
Adolf Hitler was my grandfather.
17
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:53,009
When you come from
a family like mine,
18
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:56,839
some people can be
really quick to Judge.
19
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:57,753
Julie Bennett.
20
00:00:57,883 --> 00:00:58,841
Eugene Hitler.
21
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:00,712
I'm Eugene Hitler.
22
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,280
Eugene Hitler.
23
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:04,281
Eugene Hitler.
24
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:08,590
Well.
25
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,505
Eugene is a nice name.
26
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:11,984
It's short for eugenics.
27
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:15,379
Surviving today's
dating scene takes
28
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:17,425
a certain strength of will.
29
00:01:17,555 --> 00:01:22,517
Look, I'm Eugene Hitler,
grandson of Adolf Hitler.
30
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:24,519
Well, you can't choose
your family, right?
31
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:25,520
No, you can't.
32
00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:26,782
So what do you do.
33
00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:28,697
I work for Chap's
Sporting Goods.
34
00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:32,353
Grandson of Adolf Hitler, and I
work at Chap's Sporting Goods.
35
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:33,267
Manager?
36
00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:34,224
Assistant manager.
37
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:38,402
People ask me, why don't
you just change your name?
38
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:41,884
But would a Eugene Hitler
by any other name still
39
00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:43,320
smell as sweet?
40
00:01:43,451 --> 00:01:47,107
It's a shoe that would
be really good for you.
41
00:01:47,237 --> 00:01:50,588
So it's got the breathable
mesh upper here.
42
00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:53,374
If I judge myself
purely on my heritage,
43
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,985
would I be any better
than my grandfather?
44
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,291
Ruth Finestein.
45
00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:59,293
Eugene
46
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:00,163
What was that?
47
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:02,731
It's so low that I can't hear.
48
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:03,993
I still can't hear.
49
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:04,907
Hitler!
50
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,344
You guys!
51
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:08,824
I
guess if there's
52
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:10,869
one thing I have in common
with my grandfather,
53
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,697
it's stick-to-itedness.
54
00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:14,830
So you've got a big
race coming up, right?
55
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,136
Yeah.
56
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:17,354
Maybe you need a
training partner.
57
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:18,268
I kind of--
58
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:19,139
Excuse me.
59
00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:20,749
I--
60
00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:21,663
Oh, yeah.
61
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:22,838
Oh, you mean--
62
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:26,189
What's in a name?
63
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,669
What's in a name?
64
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,410
I'm Eugene Hitler.
65
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:32,674
Adolf Hitler was my grandfather.
66
00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:35,111
Wow, really?
67
00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:36,765
I am such a big fan.
68
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,201
He was a visionary.
69
00:02:38,332 --> 00:02:40,247
He was-- and you--
and you look like him.
70
00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:41,465
Oh, my god.
71
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:43,380
What an honor to
be in the presence.
72
00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:44,729
You have no idea--
73
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:45,948
You rang the bell by accident.
74
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:46,949
By the way.
75
00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:50,474
He killed 6 million people.
76
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:52,911
I know, that was way too many.
77
00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:55,218
Women don't always get me.
78
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,655
I guess the best way
to put it is, Eugene
79
00:02:57,786 --> 00:02:59,527
Hitler is just misunderstood.
80
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,833
Eugene Hitler, grandson
of Adolf Hitler,
81
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:04,271
assistant manager
at Chap's Sports.
82
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,272
The one in Soho?
83
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,186
Times Square.
84
00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:09,189
I guess
that's just my struggle.
85
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:11,800
My name's Eugene
Hitler, and I don't care
86
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,715
if everybody knows about it.
87
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:15,238
I'm Eugene Hiller!
88
00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:16,892
And you're going to
have to live with it!
89
00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:20,287
I'm Eugene Hitler, and I'm
not going to change it!
90
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,637
I know deep down that
I'm a special person.
91
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,900
Someday I'll find
the perfect girl.
92
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:30,122
But for now, I have found the
perfect egg salad sandwich.
93
00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,560
Hats off to you, Cafe Olo.
94
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,649
I give you my highest rating.
95
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,781
Five Hitlers.
96
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,305
Nom.
97
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:39,393
Nom.
98
00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:40,394
Nom.
99
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:46,400
Hitler, Hitler.
100
00:03:46,530 --> 00:03:49,751
What have you gone and done?
101
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:52,754
Hitler, Hitler.
102
00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:56,018
How many sins have
you committed.
103
00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:58,586
Six months ago, a virus
spread across the Earth,
104
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:01,110
turning 20% of
humans into puppets.
105
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,634
My name's Matt, and
I'm one of them.
106
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:06,376
Every puppet faces
their own challenge.
107
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,248
Mine is high school.
108
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:16,212
Oh, there he is.
109
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,735
First day of high school, buddy.
110
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:18,649
You excited?
111
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,042
I think I might vomit.
112
00:04:20,172 --> 00:04:21,348
Just first day nerves.
113
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,132
Hey, check it out.
114
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,613
Your mom arranged your breakfast
in the shape of a skateboard.
115
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:26,831
I'm not really hungry.
116
00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:28,616
Are you OK, sweetie?
117
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,052
I guess.
118
00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:34,622
I just haven't been to
school since, you know.
119
00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:37,277
You are still the
same Matt that you
120
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:42,151
have always been, only softer.
121
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,674
Shotgun.
122
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:44,980
Eew, gross!
123
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,851
A fraction of her
nipple is showing!
124
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:48,766
Sarah, why are you
dressed like that?
125
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,507
Because I want to
give guys boners.
126
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,944
Sarah, don't say
boners in the kitchen.
127
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:54,511
Change, now!
128
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,731
You would just ruin
everything I stand for!
129
00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:57,688
Ugh!
130
00:04:57,819 --> 00:04:59,124
Will be in the car.
131
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:00,169
Bye, mom.
132
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,823
See you later, sweetie.
133
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:03,303
Hey.
134
00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:05,087
What kind of kiss was that?
135
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:08,046
Put some heat on it, mister.
136
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,018
Do not act like you know me.
137
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:24,715
Understand?
138
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,674
If you or any of your weird
friends try to talk to me,
139
00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:28,676
I will scream
and run away.
140
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:29,590
Why would you do that?
141
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,462
Hey, Matt.
142
00:05:32,593 --> 00:05:34,334
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
143
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:35,900
Bradley, hey.
144
00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,380
There's so many people here.
145
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:39,339
It's like a city in a school.
146
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,079
You excited to see Claire?
147
00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:42,777
Why would I be?
148
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,866
Because you've been crushing
on her since you were 10.
149
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:45,867
Hey!
150
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:48,086
Rip's coming down the hall.
151
00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:50,915
Hey, nice jean, Sanchez.
152
00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:53,048
Yo, Rosie didn't get
boobs over the summer.
153
00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:54,658
Flat screen!
154
00:05:54,789 --> 00:05:55,833
Oh, no!
It's Rip.
155
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:56,878
Hide!
156
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:00,795
What's up, freshman?
157
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:01,752
I'm a bully.
158
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,319
So give me your shoes.
159
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,365
Um, uh, no.
160
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:06,888
No?
161
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:10,065
Nice stomach, but I think
it needs more head butt.
162
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:14,330
Hey!
163
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:15,766
Who are you?
164
00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:17,812
Leave him alone or I'll
throw you on the roof.
165
00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:19,727
Only reason I'm not
going to punch your ass out
166
00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:22,860
is because I want to wear
your boobies as a hat someday.
167
00:06:22,991 --> 00:06:26,995
FYI, freshman, I plan on being
a constant thorn in your side.
168
00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:30,041
We're going to
be watching you.
169
00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:30,955
Whoa.
170
00:06:31,086 --> 00:06:31,913
Oh, my gosh.
171
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:33,175
Look at that ass.
172
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:37,397
I said god damn!
173
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,181
Bye.
174
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,313
Matt, how are you?
175
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:42,750
Oh, I'm good.
176
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,188
Your hair looks different.
177
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:47,102
Oh, yeah.
178
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:48,320
I colored it.
179
00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,496
Your hair looks different too.
180
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:50,758
Oh, yeah.
181
00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:53,674
It's yarn.
182
00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,066
Hey, Claire.
183
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:56,720
Well, it was good seeing you.
184
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,243
We have to hang out soon.
185
00:06:58,374 --> 00:06:59,244
Oh, yeah.
186
00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:01,072
Most deffers.
187
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,944
Most deffers?
188
00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:04,249
Who's that dude?
189
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:05,686
That's her boyfriend Ethan.
190
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:07,296
He's awesome.
191
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,603
He volunteers for
Habitat for Humanity
192
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:12,170
and built a library in
Mexico all by himself.
193
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,345
How do you not know this?
194
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:17,741
I think he's cool.
195
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,830
Hey, isn't that your sister?
196
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,397
Hey, Sarah!
197
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:27,838
Bada-bada-da
seven minutes in heaven.
198
00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,144
Oh yeah.
199
00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:30,667
Hi.
200
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:31,973
This is 7 Minutes in
Heaven with Mike O'Brien.
201
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,801
I'm here today with
comedian Will Forte.
202
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:34,758
Hi, Will.
- Hello.
203
00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:35,977
How are you doing?
- Good.
204
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:36,978
Thanks for coming.
205
00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:38,501
Thank you for having me.
206
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,503
I would argue Will Forte
that you have the best
207
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:44,072
quiet characters on "SNL."
208
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:47,292
I want to hear an
argument between Tim
209
00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:48,859
Calhoun and Hamilton.
210
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,948
Because if they were yelling
about, like, one of them
211
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,777
stole the other one's
taxi, it would still be
212
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:57,868
a very subdued fight, I think.
213
00:07:57,999 --> 00:08:05,354
Why did you take
my taxi, you son of a bitch.
214
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:11,012
Uh, this taxi was very
obviously free of commission.
215
00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:13,841
I did step to it at
the same time as you.
216
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:17,105
And driving down
the street, there
217
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:23,241
are several taxis that you
could find, if you were looking.
218
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,766
But this one was mine.
219
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:31,075
And I don't-- yeah, I
was clearly here first.
220
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:34,557
You go yourself.
221
00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:35,689
Who do you think
has a stronger
222
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:38,692
"SNL" legacy, you or me?
223
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:39,606
Oh, flat-out me.
224
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:40,955
Just 100%.
225
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,739
Not even a question.
226
00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:46,134
Do you think your far output
is high for a man of your age
227
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,179
and height and weight?
228
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:49,790
It's-- I just--
229
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,313
I've heard a lot.
- Yeah.
230
00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:52,357
I don't know what it is.
231
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:53,533
I don't know if it's my diet.
232
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:55,491
I think it might
just be my family
233
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,188
makeup, the genes I was given.
234
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:58,450
Yeah.
235
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:00,801
You know, Einstein
just, somehow
236
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:04,239
with his parents, developed
this brain that just
237
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:05,893
was able to figure shit out.
238
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:09,244
And I developed a intestinal
system that's able to push
239
00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:11,551
out mass quantities of gas.
240
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:13,596
Got it, yeah.
241
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:14,815
So Will and I--
242
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,207
I'm polite about it.
243
00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,121
I do it-- I do it in
the proper, you know.
244
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:18,427
Yeah.
245
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,081
That's-- I think
that's 90% the problem
246
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:24,172
with farting is the sneaks.
247
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:25,826
Yeah.
248
00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:28,916
Will and I each brought a
gift from our actual homes
249
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:31,396
and a couple of
real objects laying
250
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,399
around that we are going to
exchange with each other now.
251
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:40,144
So I've got a bumper
sticker that's pretty funny.
252
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,624
We're comedians, so I thought--
253
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:42,712
"Dogs have owners.
254
00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:45,019
Cats have staff."
255
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:48,544
I don't fully get
it, but I like it.
256
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:52,809
I'm going to put this
on my car when we leave,
257
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:53,854
and that's a promise.
258
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:55,943
That's a promise.
259
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,945
And then one
time I got a photo
260
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,424
of my family blown up too big.
261
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:00,861
I didn't understand
what I was ordering.
262
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:03,167
And so now you can
have a photo of what
263
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,692
my immediate family
and their kids
264
00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:08,999
look like maybe five years ago.
265
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,348
I'm getting really sweaty.
266
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:12,612
It's warm.
267
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:15,397
Temperate here.
268
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:20,576
Blow on my face a little bit.
269
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:21,969
That's not helping.
270
00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:24,536
I would like you to
read or sing this poem
271
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:29,106
I wrote in the style of AC/DC.
272
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:30,281
I could do-- you know what?
273
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,806
I could try Joni
Mitchell on this.
274
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:37,201
Your lovely
lashes, and saddent tooshies.
275
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:41,423
Their noses wiggle
as fairies frolic.
276
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:46,341
This is a play I wrote called
"Insane Shirtless Men Covered
277
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:49,126
In Ketchup Screaming."
278
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:53,783
It's a three-second long play,
if you'd be up for doing that.
279
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,529
All right.
280
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,573
What else?
281
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,140
Oh, this is a word association.
282
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:05,447
Just the first word, or
thought, or phrase that
283
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:08,798
comes into your mind
when I say these words.
284
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,408
Cute.
285
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:11,322
Puppy.
286
00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:12,889
Great.
287
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,804
You were always one of
the nicest guys in when I
288
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:16,284
was brand new writer at "SNL."
289
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:17,807
So thank you for that.
290
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,504
And I think MacGruber is
one of the funniest movies
291
00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:20,418
of all time.
292
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:21,855
Thank you.
293
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,117
And I really appreciate
you doing the interview.
294
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:24,074
Well, I appreciate it.
295
00:11:30,037 --> 00:11:30,820
It's nice.
296
00:11:30,951 --> 00:11:31,734
Yep.
297
00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,649
Oh.
298
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:34,694
Thanks.
299
00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:35,738
Got some on your nipple there.
300
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:36,696
Oh, yeah.
301
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:45,617
And that's when
the mad man chopped
302
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:49,056
up the bodies with a chainsaw!
303
00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:50,884
Weak sauce, dude.
304
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:51,798
Yeah, Blake.
305
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:53,016
That wouldn't scare me.
306
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:53,974
Well, you guys
are totally scared.
307
00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:54,888
No way.
308
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:57,412
Give me the flashlight.
309
00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,588
I got a way scarier story.
310
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:04,245
It all started on a dark and
stormy night just like this.
311
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:09,511
I was in my room playing Monster
Peninsula when all of a sudden,
312
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:12,035
I heard a noise.
313
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,254
Dum.
314
00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:15,430
I heard it again.
315
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,954
Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.
316
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:20,000
My door burst open.
317
00:12:20,130 --> 00:12:23,612
It was my parents come in
to have a talk with me.
318
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,615
They sat me down and
said, Fanning, no matter
319
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,052
what, we will always love you.
320
00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:32,316
But your father and I
are getting a divorce!
321
00:12:34,405 --> 00:12:35,319
There's no way that's true.
322
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:36,712
It's true.
323
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:39,106
I saw it with my own two eyes.
324
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:43,632
She was fed up with my dad
being unfaithful to her.
325
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,807
What does that mean?
326
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:47,157
I don't know.
327
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:48,506
Maybe they'll
get back together.
328
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:50,247
Oh, no.
329
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:53,511
Divorces last forever!
330
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:59,648
You know it's final when your
dad starts introducing you
331
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:04,392
to his new lady friend
who spends the night
332
00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:07,656
and makes you breakfast
in the morning.
333
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,005
Someone who's not your mom?
334
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,572
Yeah.
335
00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:14,271
And she has a different
way of making French toast.
336
00:13:14,402 --> 00:13:15,925
She uses wheat bread.
337
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:17,666
Eww!
338
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:22,714
Whenever the wind blows, you
can hear my father say, hey,
339
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,847
what do you think of Tiffany?
340
00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:26,544
They're always named Tiffany!
341
00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:29,939
The end
342
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,462
That wasn't scary.
343
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:33,116
Yeah, it was like super lame.
344
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:34,422
Let's play Monster Peninsula.
345
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,292
Yeah, yeah, let's play--
346
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,252
What was that?
347
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:39,688
It's my dad.
348
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,342
He's going to have the
divorce talk with you.
349
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:45,607
Oh.
350
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:46,521
Oh, thank God.
351
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:48,218
Woo!
352
00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:54,137
Hi, and congratulations.
353
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:55,704
If you're watching
this video, you
354
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,141
are officially dating
seven-time iHeartRadio Music
355
00:13:58,272 --> 00:13:59,839
Award winner Taylor Swift.
356
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:02,798
You're joining impressive
ranks populated by musicians,
357
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,018
DJs with abs, a good
actor, and the most
358
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:06,715
vulnerable male Kennedy.
359
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,370
Over the next six hours, you'll
hear a lot of information,
360
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,981
like which Haim sister is which?
361
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:13,200
It can be overwhelming.
362
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:14,984
But just remember,
all you need to do
363
00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:19,119
is SWIFT, Sustain, White-boy,
Intimate Feelings for Taylor.
364
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:20,772
As long as you come into
the office every day
365
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:24,124
prepared to SWIFT, we
won't have any bad blood.
366
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:30,217
Dating Taylor Swift comes with
a wide variety of benefits,
367
00:14:30,347 --> 00:14:34,612
including 24/7 access to boats,
24/7 access to Ryan Seacrest's
368
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:38,094
safe house, underpants from
rag & bone, dental, ample rest
369
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,618
time for your penis, an
Apple Music subscription,
370
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:43,056
a fresh lunch bag daily
by Kelsea Ballerini,
371
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:47,103
and plenty of outdoor kissing.
372
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:49,627
Here are some helpful
Do's and don'ts.
373
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:53,066
Do attend a Taylor
Swift concert and smile.
374
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:56,634
Don't expect Taylor's palms
to feel warm to the touch.
375
00:14:56,765 --> 00:15:00,856
Do publicly comment on Taylor's
natural girl next doorness.
376
00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:03,380
Don't feel for a
pulse of Taylor face.
377
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:05,730
Find an outlet and
consult the manual.
378
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,081
Do wear a wide brimmed hat.
379
00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:10,518
Don't ever be caught in the
presence of another female
380
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,999
without Taylor present as well.
381
00:15:13,129 --> 00:15:15,088
Remember, you
answer to the Squat.
382
00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:17,612
And if you cheat on Taylor,
they will make it look like you
383
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:18,656
were in a car accident.
384
00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:24,967
Now, you might be wondering what
Taylor Swift is like sexually.
385
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:27,274
She likes-- we want to
welcome you with arms
386
00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:30,146
and eyes open to Swift Court.
387
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:32,583
Enjoy the next
three to 16 months.
388
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:33,802
Just kidding.
389
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,412
This is a business
opportunity, OK?
390
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:36,979
It is up to you what
you make of this.
391
00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:39,025
If you play this
thing right, you
392
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:41,027
could go from a Louis
Tomlinson to a Harry Styles
393
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,985
in a matter of weeks.
394
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:44,117
Happy Swifting.
395
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:04,224
Screw Peter Jackson.
396
00:16:04,354 --> 00:16:05,355
Eric.
397
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:07,053
He knew taking
Space Smurfs was
398
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:08,489
going to sideline the technology
he was developing for us.
399
00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:10,360
Traditional movies do not sell.
400
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,014
What was going to be
better than "Avatar?"
401
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:13,885
What's better than
48 frames per second?
402
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,626
Our movie.
403
00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:17,019
We've got to beat those mother
bleepers at their own game.
404
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:18,368
Eric?
405
00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,544
If you can't move
forward with technology,
406
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:23,417
you have to go back, back
in time with technology.
407
00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:24,461
You have to go back in time.
408
00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:25,680
Eric, I'll be back in my desk.
409
00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:26,724
You have to go
back to the future.
410
00:16:26,855 --> 00:16:27,899
That's a good title.
411
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:29,466
Marcia!
412
00:16:29,597 --> 00:16:30,990
Set up a conference call
with the heads of marketing.
413
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,905
They're on the line.
414
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:36,604
Guys, we're going
to make a movie.
415
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:45,917
OK.
416
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,879
What about a movie about a taco?
417
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:51,749
What?
418
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:52,663
No, no.
419
00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:54,013
I'm still working on it.
420
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:55,449
Yeah.
Yeah.
421
00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:56,711
How about this.
422
00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:57,755
All right, so
there's like a team
423
00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,105
of zombie baseball players.
424
00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:00,019
Uh-huh.
425
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:01,716
And then, I don't know.
426
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,805
Maybe one day, like a line
drive hits a zombie in the head.
427
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:05,198
And he's like, aw!
428
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,504
And then the audience
realizes, Oh my God,
429
00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:09,680
we've been rooting for
the zombie baseball team
430
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:11,595
this entire time.
431
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:12,770
This taste salty to you?
432
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,598
It tastes a bit
like an egg roll.
433
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:18,515
You know what, yup,
about Pringles juice again.
434
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:19,777
But I like that.
435
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,262
So as I was saying,
the artist just did it,
436
00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:27,959
and they want a goddamn
Golden Globe right?
437
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:30,527
What's old is new again.
438
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:33,356
I went home the other day, and
I thought to myself, what is
439
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,706
my idiot son Jeff always doing?
440
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:40,146
Watching Shark marathons
and doing Magic Eyes.
441
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:43,584
Saying that out loud made me
realize my son smokes pot.
442
00:17:43,714 --> 00:17:46,587
But the point is, that Doobie
brother has picked the last six
443
00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:47,936
of my top grossing films.
444
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,633
So we're going to
shoot this movie
445
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:52,071
using technology that we're
developing for the Magic Eye.
446
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:55,161
And that will put our foot
right where it needs to be.
447
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,727
A Peter Jackson's butt.
448
00:17:58,773 --> 00:17:59,600
And I want you two.
449
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:01,341
You two are the best.
450
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:02,211
They're the best ?
451
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:03,169
Yeah.
452
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:04,518
That were available.
453
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:05,780
So many people passed.
454
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:08,087
I'm going to say
four words to you.
455
00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:09,653
And if you don't
sign on right now,
456
00:18:09,784 --> 00:18:12,743
you will never work in
show business again.
457
00:18:12,874 --> 00:18:16,791
Magic Eye Shark Movie.
458
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:17,922
- Like the--
- Books?
459
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:18,967
The books?
460
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,403
You want like a live action?
461
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:21,535
- Based on the books?
- Narrative?
462
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:22,623
We'll do it.
463
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:23,667
I mean, we'll do it.
464
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:24,668
Well, we have to talk it over.
465
00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:26,192
We are agreeing to do this.
466
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:28,585
I'm tentatively committed.
467
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,065
Wait, what'd you say?
468
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:32,546
They're the best.
469
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:33,677
So many people passed.
470
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:48,431
OK, what about a
sketch about a mall cop?
471
00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:51,130
Kevin James already made a
movie about a mall cop twice,
472
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,609
and he's got a third
one in production.
473
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:53,958
We'll go forward with that.
474
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:55,090
You guys talking P. Blart?
475
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:56,135
I love those movies.
476
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:00,922
Who is that?
477
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:02,228
Ah, Beth.
478
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:03,490
I don't know.
479
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:05,666
I'm just going to
give it a minute.
480
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:08,756
What are you, playing hard
to get with your girlfriend?
481
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,105
Yeah.
482
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,628
Well, hard to keep.
483
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:13,717
Hard to keep is amazing.
484
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:16,720
My parents have been playing
hard to keep for 30 years,
485
00:19:16,851 --> 00:19:18,635
and they are still
together, like my mom
486
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:20,159
honestly is killing it.
487
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:21,812
So hard to keep is
like playing hard to get,
488
00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:23,814
except you already
have the person.
489
00:19:23,945 --> 00:19:26,774
And so you're just letting him
know that you have options.
490
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:28,341
Do you want options?
491
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:29,864
No, I love Beth.
492
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,213
I'm just keeping the
relationship fun, you know.
493
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:32,867
Um-hmm.
494
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:33,824
What's the point of being
in a relationship if you're
495
00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:34,869
just going to play games?
496
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:36,871
Because games are essential.
497
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:38,742
And like what you just
want to be with someone,
498
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,179
and tell them that
you like them,
499
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:43,530
and then spend the rest
of your life together.
500
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,314
Yeah, kind of.
501
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:48,099
They don't--
502
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,189
Sorry, I was just wondering
what your relationship
503
00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:51,494
is like with your dad.
504
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,017
Do you not play games?
505
00:19:53,148 --> 00:19:54,280
How do you know who's winning?
506
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,499
OK, there's no winning.
507
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:57,631
Somebody's he's
always winning.
508
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:59,763
I play impossible to get.
509
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,635
That way, I always win.
510
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,158
But you've never
dated anybody.
511
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,333
Exactly.
512
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:05,726
Yeah, she's still
winning, though.
513
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:06,814
Yup.
514
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:07,858
See, I play hard to contact.
515
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:09,208
OK.
516
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:10,426
It's like a step
before hard to get.
517
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:12,211
Um-hmm.
518
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,387
I've basically always got 20
unopened DMs from random girls
519
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:15,301
on Instagram.
520
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:16,258
What do they say?
521
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:17,433
I don't know.
522
00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:19,087
You can't read
the whole message.
523
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,698
So usually, it's just like,
hey, Ben, you're so cute.
524
00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:24,353
Would you ever want to--
525
00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:25,789
cryptic stuff like that.
526
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:26,834
Oh, I got another one.
527
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:29,053
Ben is playing the long game.
528
00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:30,446
Hayley's playing
the very long game.
529
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:32,231
Respect.
530
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,841
I'm playing the, like is this
going to last that long game.
531
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,190
You just got figure
out what your game is.
532
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:36,104
OK, yeah.
533
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,540
OK.
534
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,020
This guy like, he texted
me last night, right.
535
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:40,239
And he was like, how
was your weekend?
536
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:41,240
Um-hmm.
537
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:42,545
So then I texted him back.
538
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:43,459
And then he never--
539
00:20:43,590 --> 00:20:44,939
No, no, no, no, no.
540
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:46,245
You just lost.
541
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:47,246
Yeah.
542
00:20:47,376 --> 00:20:48,638
OK, I'm a grown ass woman.
543
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:49,596
OK?
544
00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:50,988
I'm cute.
545
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:52,338
I have a good job.
546
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:53,904
I'm pretty funny, I think.
547
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,515
OK.
548
00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:56,994
I shouldn't have to trick--
don't film me, Hayley.
549
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,387
I shouldn't have to trick
somebody into wanting
550
00:20:58,518 --> 00:21:00,389
to sleep with me or date me.
551
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,913
If I'm getting love
through playing games,
552
00:21:03,044 --> 00:21:05,046
then it's not real
in the first place,
553
00:21:05,176 --> 00:21:07,309
and I don't even want it.
554
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:08,223
So--
555
00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:09,311
Two minutes up.
556
00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:11,008
I 100% agree.
557
00:21:11,139 --> 00:21:12,009
Can I ask you a question?
558
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:13,272
Yes.
559
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:14,925
When was the last
time you had sex?
560
00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:16,100
Am I losing?
561
00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:17,276
Yeah.
562
00:21:17,406 --> 00:21:19,756
You're getting
killed out there.
563
00:21:19,887 --> 00:21:23,847
Hey, Zack, do you and
your wife still play games?
564
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:25,849
Sometimes I don't
say goodnight.
565
00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:26,894
See, that's a win.
566
00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:28,156
That's actually is very good.
567
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,854
I'm writing that down.
568
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:32,900
So I asked her five
times what was wrong,
569
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:34,684
and she kept saying, nothing.
570
00:21:34,815 --> 00:21:37,687
And then finally, she goes, if
I have to tell you why I'm mad,
571
00:21:37,818 --> 00:21:39,515
then that defeats
the whole purpose.
572
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,604
So I still have no idea
what she's mad about.
573
00:21:41,735 --> 00:21:43,780
Women are so frustrating.
574
00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:45,173
I'll never understand.
575
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,957
I hear you, bro.
576
00:21:47,088 --> 00:21:48,611
What the--
577
00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:51,266
Women are kind of crazy.
578
00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:54,443
They're so hard to understand.
579
00:21:54,574 --> 00:21:58,665
Saying one thing, doing another,
one of the greatest mysteries
580
00:21:58,795 --> 00:21:59,970
across this man's land.
581
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:03,104
We want to help
you to understand
582
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:06,281
that we really wish we could.
583
00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:09,110
The bottom line is there
ain't no rhyme or reason,
584
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,069
but you do get to touch a boobs.
585
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:17,336
Oh, women are crazy, but men
can be the worst sometimes.
586
00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:18,859
Wait, what?
587
00:22:18,989 --> 00:22:21,992
Women are crazy,
but not as bad as men.
588
00:22:22,123 --> 00:22:23,951
Those aren't the lyrics.
589
00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:27,171
And your guy brains
don't work as well as ours do.
590
00:22:27,302 --> 00:22:30,087
Boobs, boobs, boobs.
591
00:22:30,218 --> 00:22:33,003
Boobs, boobs, boobs.
592
00:22:33,134 --> 00:22:34,701
Boobs, boobs, boobs.
593
00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:38,052
Boobs.
594
00:22:43,013 --> 00:22:45,712
So that didn't
explain anything.
595
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,195
But boobs, right?
596
00:22:51,326 --> 00:22:53,110
Hey, you guys got
this in a medium?
597
00:22:53,241 --> 00:22:54,024
Oh, absolutely.
598
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:55,286
Pretty sure somewhere.
599
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:56,200
Yeah.
40656
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