Original subtitles

In a city of millions,

is it possible to find true love if you

aren't being true to yourself?

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to Manhattan afternoon speed dating.

So when you guys are ready to switch partners,

hit that bell.

And happy hunting!

Haha.

I used to run from who I am, but no more.

Now I'm going to be the real me no matter what

other people think.

Hi, I'm Sarah Lloyd.

I'm Eugene Hitler.

I'm Eugene Hitler.

Adolf Hitler was my grandfather.

When you come from a family like mine,

some people can be really quick to Judge.

Julie Bennett.

Eugene Hitler.

I'm Eugene Hitler.

Eugene Hitler.

Eugene Hitler.

Well.

Eugene is a nice name.

It's short for eugenics.

Surviving today's dating scene takes

a certain strength of will.

Look, I'm Eugene Hitler, grandson of Adolf Hitler.

Well, you can't choose your family, right?

No, you can't.

So what do you do.

I work for Chap's Sporting Goods.

Grandson of Adolf Hitler, and I work at Chap's Sporting Goods.

Manager?

Assistant manager.

People ask me, why don't you just change your name?

But would a Eugene Hitler by any other name still

smell as sweet?

It's a shoe that would be really good for you.

So it's got the breathable mesh upper here.

If I judge myself purely on my heritage,

would I be any better than my grandfather?

Ruth Finestein.

Eugene

What was that?

It's so low that I can't hear.

I still can't hear.

Hitler!

You guys!

I guess if there's

one thing I have in common with my grandfather,

it's stick-to-itedness.

So you've got a big race coming up, right?

Yeah.

Maybe you need a training partner.

I kind of--

Excuse me.

I--

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you mean--

What's in a name?

What's in a name?

I'm Eugene Hitler.

Adolf Hitler was my grandfather.

Wow, really?

I am such a big fan.

He was a visionary.

He was-- and you-- and you look like him.

Oh, my god.

What an honor to be in the presence.

You have no idea--

You rang the bell by accident.

By the way.

He killed 6 million people.

I know, that was way too many.

Women don't always get me.

I guess the best way to put it is, Eugene

Hitler is just misunderstood.

Eugene Hitler, grandson of Adolf Hitler,

assistant manager at Chap's Sports.

The one in Soho?

Times Square.

I guess that's just my struggle.

My name's Eugene Hitler, and I don't care

if everybody knows about it.

I'm Eugene Hiller!

And you're going to have to live with it!

I'm Eugene Hitler, and I'm not going to change it!

I know deep down that I'm a special person.

Someday I'll find the perfect girl.

But for now, I have found the perfect egg salad sandwich.

Hats off to you, Cafe Olo.

I give you my highest rating.

Five Hitlers.

Nom.

Nom.

Nom.

Hitler, Hitler.

What have you gone and done?

Hitler, Hitler.

How many sins have you committed.

Six months ago, a virus spread across the Earth,

turning 20% of humans into puppets.

My name's Matt, and I'm one of them.

Every puppet faces their own challenge.

Mine is high school.

Oh, there he is.

First day of high school, buddy.

You excited?

I think I might vomit.

Just first day nerves.

Hey, check it out.

Your mom arranged your breakfast in the shape of a skateboard.

I'm not really hungry.

Are you OK, sweetie?

I guess.

I just haven't been to school since, you know.

You are still the same Matt that you

have always been, only softer.

Shotgun.

Eew, gross!

A fraction of her nipple is showing!

Sarah, why are you dressed like that?

Because I want to give guys boners.

Sarah, don't say boners in the kitchen.

Change, now!

You would just ruin everything I stand for!

Ugh!

Will be in the car.

Bye, mom.

See you later, sweetie.

Hey.

What kind of kiss was that?

Put some heat on it, mister.

Do not act like you know me.

Understand?

If you or any of your weird friends try to talk to me,

I will scream and run away.

Why would you do that?

Hey, Matt.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Bradley, hey.

There's so many people here.

It's like a city in a school.

You excited to see Claire?

Why would I be?

Because you've been crushing on her since you were 10.

Hey!

Rip's coming down the hall.

Hey, nice jean, Sanchez.

Yo, Rosie didn't get boobs over the summer.

Flat screen!

Oh, no! It's Rip.

Hide!

What's up, freshman?

I'm a bully.

So give me your shoes.

Um, uh, no.

No?

Nice stomach, but I think it needs more head butt.

Hey!

Who are you?

Leave him alone or I'll throw you on the roof.

Only reason I'm not going to punch your ass out

is because I want to wear your boobies as a hat someday.

FYI, freshman, I plan on being a constant thorn in your side.

We're going to be watching you.

Whoa.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at that ass.

I said god damn!

Bye.

Matt, how are you?

Oh, I'm good.

Your hair looks different.

Oh, yeah.

I colored it.

Your hair looks different too.

Oh, yeah.

It's yarn.

Hey, Claire.

Well, it was good seeing you.

We have to hang out soon.

Oh, yeah.

Most deffers.

Most deffers?

Who's that dude?

That's her boyfriend Ethan.

He's awesome.

He volunteers for Habitat for Humanity

and built a library in Mexico all by himself.

How do you not know this?

I think he's cool.

Hey, isn't that your sister?

Hey, Sarah!

Bada-bada-da seven minutes in heaven.

Oh yeah.

Hi.

This is 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with comedian Will Forte.

Hi, Will. - Hello.

How are you doing? - Good.

Thanks for coming.

Thank you for having me.

I would argue Will Forte that you have the best

quiet characters on "SNL."

I want to hear an argument between Tim

Calhoun and Hamilton.

Because if they were yelling about, like, one of them

stole the other one's taxi, it would still be

a very subdued fight, I think.

Why did you take my taxi, you son of a bitch.

Uh, this taxi was very obviously free of commission.

I did step to it at the same time as you.

And driving down the street, there

are several taxis that you could find, if you were looking.

But this one was mine.

And I don't-- yeah, I was clearly here first.

You go yourself.

Who do you think has a stronger

"SNL" legacy, you or me?

Oh, flat-out me.

Just 100%.

Not even a question.

Do you think your far output is high for a man of your age

and height and weight?

It's-- I just--

I've heard a lot. - Yeah.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know if it's my diet.

I think it might just be my family

makeup, the genes I was given.

Yeah.

You know, Einstein just, somehow

with his parents, developed this brain that just

was able to figure shit out.

And I developed a intestinal system that's able to push

out mass quantities of gas.

Got it, yeah.

So Will and I--

I'm polite about it.

I do it-- I do it in the proper, you know.

Yeah.

That's-- I think that's 90% the problem

with farting is the sneaks.

Yeah.

Will and I each brought a gift from our actual homes

and a couple of real objects laying

around that we are going to exchange with each other now.

So I've got a bumper sticker that's pretty funny.

We're comedians, so I thought--

"Dogs have owners.

Cats have staff."

I don't fully get it, but I like it.

I'm going to put this on my car when we leave,

and that's a promise.

That's a promise.

And then one time I got a photo

of my family blown up too big.

I didn't understand what I was ordering.

And so now you can have a photo of what

my immediate family and their kids

look like maybe five years ago.

I'm getting really sweaty.

It's warm.

Temperate here.

Blow on my face a little bit.

That's not helping.

I would like you to read or sing this poem

I wrote in the style of AC/DC.

I could do-- you know what?

I could try Joni Mitchell on this.

Your lovely lashes, and saddent tooshies.

Their noses wiggle as fairies frolic.

This is a play I wrote called "Insane Shirtless Men Covered

In Ketchup Screaming."

It's a three-second long play, if you'd be up for doing that.

All right.

What else?

Oh, this is a word association.

Just the first word, or thought, or phrase that

comes into your mind when I say these words.

Cute.

Puppy.

Great.

You were always one of the nicest guys in when I

was brand new writer at "SNL."

So thank you for that.

And I think MacGruber is one of the funniest movies

of all time.

Thank you.

And I really appreciate you doing the interview.

Well, I appreciate it.

It's nice.

Yep.

Oh.

Thanks.

Got some on your nipple there.

Oh, yeah.

And that's when the mad man chopped

up the bodies with a chainsaw!

Weak sauce, dude.

Yeah, Blake.

That wouldn't scare me.

Well, you guys are totally scared.

No way.

Give me the flashlight.

I got a way scarier story.

It all started on a dark and stormy night just like this.

I was in my room playing Monster Peninsula when all of a sudden,

I heard a noise.

Dum.

I heard it again.

Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

My door burst open.

It was my parents come in to have a talk with me.

They sat me down and said, Fanning, no matter

what, we will always love you.

But your father and I are getting a divorce!

There's no way that's true.

It's true.

I saw it with my own two eyes.

She was fed up with my dad being unfaithful to her.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Maybe they'll get back together.

Oh, no.

Divorces last forever!

You know it's final when your dad starts introducing you

to his new lady friend who spends the night

and makes you breakfast in the morning.

Someone who's not your mom?

Yeah.

And she has a different way of making French toast.

She uses wheat bread.

Eww!

Whenever the wind blows, you can hear my father say, hey,

what do you think of Tiffany?

They're always named Tiffany!

The end

That wasn't scary.

Yeah, it was like super lame.

Let's play Monster Peninsula.

Yeah, yeah, let's play--

What was that?

It's my dad.

He's going to have the divorce talk with you.

Oh.

Oh, thank God.

Woo!

Hi, and congratulations.

If you're watching this video, you

are officially dating seven-time iHeartRadio Music

Award winner Taylor Swift.

You're joining impressive ranks populated by musicians,

DJs with abs, a good actor, and the most

vulnerable male Kennedy.

Over the next six hours, you'll hear a lot of information,

like which Haim sister is which?

It can be overwhelming.

But just remember, all you need to do

is SWIFT, Sustain, White-boy, Intimate Feelings for Taylor.

As long as you come into the office every day

prepared to SWIFT, we won't have any bad blood.

Dating Taylor Swift comes with a wide variety of benefits,

including 24/7 access to boats, 24/7 access to Ryan Seacrest's

safe house, underpants from rag & bone, dental, ample rest

time for your penis, an Apple Music subscription,

a fresh lunch bag daily by Kelsea Ballerini,

and plenty of outdoor kissing.

Here are some helpful Do's and don'ts.

Do attend a Taylor Swift concert and smile.

Don't expect Taylor's palms to feel warm to the touch.

Do publicly comment on Taylor's natural girl next doorness.

Don't feel for a pulse of Taylor face.

Find an outlet and consult the manual.

Do wear a wide brimmed hat.

Don't ever be caught in the presence of another female

without Taylor present as well.

Remember, you answer to the Squat.

And if you cheat on Taylor, they will make it look like you

were in a car accident.

Now, you might be wondering what Taylor Swift is like sexually.

She likes-- we want to welcome you with arms

and eyes open to Swift Court.

Enjoy the next three to 16 months.

Just kidding.

This is a business opportunity, OK?

It is up to you what you make of this.

If you play this thing right, you

could go from a Louis Tomlinson to a Harry Styles

in a matter of weeks.

Happy Swifting.

Screw Peter Jackson.

Eric.

He knew taking Space Smurfs was

going to sideline the technology he was developing for us.

Traditional movies do not sell.

What was going to be better than "Avatar?"

What's better than 48 frames per second?

Our movie.

We've got to beat those mother bleepers at their own game.

Eric?

If you can't move forward with technology,

you have to go back, back in time with technology.

You have to go back in time.

Eric, I'll be back in my desk.

You have to go back to the future.

That's a good title.

Marcia!

Set up a conference call with the heads of marketing.

They're on the line.

Guys, we're going to make a movie.

OK.

What about a movie about a taco?

What?

No, no.

I'm still working on it.

Yeah. Yeah.

How about this.

All right, so there's like a team

of zombie baseball players.

Uh-huh.

And then, I don't know.

Maybe one day, like a line drive hits a zombie in the head.

And he's like, aw!

And then the audience realizes, Oh my God,

we've been rooting for the zombie baseball team

this entire time.

This taste salty to you?

It tastes a bit like an egg roll.

You know what, yup, about Pringles juice again.

But I like that.

So as I was saying, the artist just did it,

and they want a goddamn Golden Globe right?

What's old is new again.

I went home the other day, and I thought to myself, what is

my idiot son Jeff always doing?

Watching Shark marathons and doing Magic Eyes.

Saying that out loud made me realize my son smokes pot.

But the point is, that Doobie brother has picked the last six

of my top grossing films.

So we're going to shoot this movie

using technology that we're developing for the Magic Eye.

And that will put our foot right where it needs to be.

A Peter Jackson's butt.

And I want you two.

You two are the best.

They're the best ?

Yeah.

That were available.

So many people passed.

I'm going to say four words to you.

And if you don't sign on right now,

you will never work in show business again.

Magic Eye Shark Movie.

- Like the-- - Books?

The books?

You want like a live action?

- Based on the books? - Narrative?

We'll do it.

I mean, we'll do it.

Well, we have to talk it over.

We are agreeing to do this.

I'm tentatively committed.

Wait, what'd you say?

They're the best.

So many people passed.

OK, what about a sketch about a mall cop?

Kevin James already made a movie about a mall cop twice,

and he's got a third one in production.

We'll go forward with that.

You guys talking P. Blart?

I love those movies.

Who is that?

Ah, Beth.

I don't know.

I'm just going to give it a minute.

What are you, playing hard to get with your girlfriend?

Yeah.

Well, hard to keep.

Hard to keep is amazing.

My parents have been playing hard to keep for 30 years,

and they are still together, like my mom

honestly is killing it.

So hard to keep is like playing hard to get,

except you already have the person.

And so you're just letting him know that you have options.

Do you want options?

No, I love Beth.

I'm just keeping the relationship fun, you know.

Um-hmm.

What's the point of being in a relationship if you're

just going to play games?

Because games are essential.

And like what you just want to be with someone,

and tell them that you like them,

and then spend the rest of your life together.

Yeah, kind of.

They don't--

Sorry, I was just wondering what your relationship

is like with your dad.

Do you not play games?

How do you know who's winning?

OK, there's no winning.

Somebody's he's always winning.

I play impossible to get.

That way, I always win.

But you've never dated anybody.

Exactly.

Yeah, she's still winning, though.

Yup.

See, I play hard to contact.

OK.

It's like a step before hard to get.

Um-hmm.

I've basically always got 20 unopened DMs from random girls

on Instagram.

What do they say?

I don't know.

You can't read the whole message.

So usually, it's just like, hey, Ben, you're so cute.

Would you ever want to--

cryptic stuff like that.

Oh, I got another one.

Ben is playing the long game.

Hayley's playing the very long game.

Respect.

I'm playing the, like is this going to last that long game.

You just got figure out what your game is.

OK, yeah.

OK.

This guy like, he texted me last night, right.

And he was like, how was your weekend?

Um-hmm.

So then I texted him back.

And then he never--

No, no, no, no, no.

You just lost.

Yeah.

OK, I'm a grown ass woman.

OK?

I'm cute.

I have a good job.

I'm pretty funny, I think.

OK.

I shouldn't have to trick-- don't film me, Hayley.

I shouldn't have to trick somebody into wanting

to sleep with me or date me.

If I'm getting love through playing games,

then it's not real in the first place,

and I don't even want it.

So--

Two minutes up.

I 100% agree.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes.

When was the last time you had sex?

Am I losing?

Yeah.

You're getting killed out there.

Hey, Zack, do you and your wife still play games?

Sometimes I don't say goodnight.

See, that's a win.

That's actually is very good.

I'm writing that down.

So I asked her five times what was wrong,

and she kept saying, nothing.

And then finally, she goes, if I have to tell you why I'm mad,

then that defeats the whole purpose.

So I still have no idea what she's mad about.

Women are so frustrating.

I'll never understand.

I hear you, bro.

What the--

Women are kind of crazy.

They're so hard to understand.

Saying one thing, doing another, one of the greatest mysteries

across this man's land.

We want to help you to understand

that we really wish we could.

The bottom line is there ain't no rhyme or reason,

but you do get to touch a boobs.

Oh, women are crazy, but men can be the worst sometimes.

Wait, what?

Women are crazy, but not as bad as men.

Those aren't the lyrics.

And your guy brains don't work as well as ours do.

Boobs, boobs, boobs.

Boobs, boobs, boobs.

Boobs, boobs, boobs.

Boobs.

So that didn't explain anything.

But boobs, right?

Hey, you guys got this in a medium?

Oh, absolutely.

Pretty sure somewhere.

Yeah.