Original subtitles

Where are you from?

Blackwood, New Jersey.

That sounds like a gun-slinging town.

Blackwood, New Jersey.

We live in the township, so it's the eighth-largest

municipality in New Jersey. - What do you?

Like a census taker?

You're 17?

Yes, I'm 17.

And you're 18.

Yes.

How did they meet?

Where do people your age meet now?

My backyard.

Yeah, his backyard.

She was trying to break into your house?

No, I--

I had a bonfire with a lot of the friends

I made working at Boy Scout Camp.

And then she showed up.

And it was the first time I ever saw her.

Yeah.

Just thought she was the prettiest girl in the world,

so--

How long have you been together?

- Uh-- - Since then.

Uh, a year and--

almost five months.

1 year and 5 months.

Yes.

So you've been together since you were 15.

Yeah.

It's like a lifetime in high school years.

Would it surprise you if I told you that the people I was

friendly with in high school, I never

have anything to do with them.

I don't even know them.

I mean, I just shed them like a skin.

How does that make you feel about the chances

for your future?

Oof.

I'm going to be very careful what I

say because you are very young. You're 18.

- I'm 18. - So you're of age.

Yes.

Is she taking advantage of a minor?

His parents make fun of me for that all the time.

OK, first off, no, from a legal standpoint

because we were together before she turned 18,

it is not illegal in the least bit.

Of course, he knows the code.

Of course, you've got the statute written on the lining

of your underpants.

All he does is look stuff up.

Of your joke boxers.

You're going to college? - Yes.

- And you're leaving him behind. - Yes, I am.

You're leaving him in Glendora.

I am.

The eighth-largest municipality of New Jersey.

Gloucester Township.

Yes.

Are you going to try to stay relatively

local when you go to college? Or are you--

Oh, no, I'm out of here.

You're out-- you're out of here.

What does he think of that?

It's just if it's what she wants to do,

it's what she wants to do. I mean, I'm--

What are you going to do?

I don't know yet.

Are you going to date other women?

No. No.

Do they know what an open relationship is?

You know what an open relationship is, don't you?

- Yeah. - Yes.

Yeah. She knew.

She was quick to-- - I know what that is.

What are you going to do when you go to college?

You're 18 years old and some guy with a name

like Chad Worthington comes down and--

- Wait. - Yeah.

And he's like completely

ripped and muscled up.

It's crazy that you said that.

Don't go stalking.

We were on a college tour one day

and the night before, he had a dream.

But I met a guy named Chad and I broke up with him for that guy.

Chad Worthington.

I've seen-- I had the dream too.

That wasn't a dream, that was a premonition.

What the hell do you think we're doing in this car for?

It's really freaking weird!

I'm a relationship expert, which

is based on a clairvoyant.

Right.

So I'm not allowed to talk about sex

explicitly with you because you're an underage or a child.

Talk to her, then.

So we're going to refer to sex as like taking a nap.

- OK. - Oh, my god.

We want to take a nap.

So when he wants to take a nap, how does he let

you know that he wants to take a nap.

Have you guys taken a nap together?

Oh, my!

Are we allowed to talk about this?

Do you Snapchat?

Not like that, no.

Usually just stupid stuff.

You don't Snapchat pictures of yourself to each other?

No, because it's illegal. It's illegal?

On both of our sides.

Are you going to law school or what the hell is going on?

It's an option. I want to be a park ranger.

You're very good.

You want to be a park ranger?

I want to be a park ranger, yeah.

Do you think you're in love?

- Yes. - Yes.

You are? - Yes.

How do you know?

What tells you you're in love?

When I'm mad at him and the only person

I want to complain to is him.

You want to confide in him about how much you hate him.

I love that.

It's like she is my best friend in the entire world.

It's just-- it's-- it's great.

Like, she's the first person I want to tell

if something bad happens.

The first person I want to tell if something good happens.

She's like-- she's my best friend.

Aw, that's cute.

Thank you both for doing this.

Thank you.

When you go to college, text him every now and then.

I will.

Stay in touch because he's a good guy.

I can't believe you're quitting.

You love being out in the field or the street or the sidewalk

or wherever the dog likes to go.

You know, things change.

People change.

I hate Dianne.

Hm.

Diane, I quit.

Is it because of me?

Yes.

I knew it!

I hate myself!

I hate myself!

- Oh, god. - What?

What is it?

- Let's go a different way. - Stop it, C.

I said we're going a different way.

You're hurting me!

Well, if it isn't Diane's dog walkers.

I thought I smelled stupid.

Hi, I'm John.

Hey.

This is John.

He's replacing me.

I quit.

He's probably quitting because we

keep taking all their clients.

We get new clients all the time.

Mm.

We just got five new clients.

Wait, shut up, make that seven new clients.

Wha-oh!

10 new clients.

Hup!

My brother is innocent. - Aw!

Aw!

He hit a kid.

That's a load off.

Let me tell you something, kid.

If you want to walk the walk, you got to walk the dogs.

For instance, we would dog walk 500 miles,

and we would dog walk 500 more.

Because these dogs were made for walking, and that's just what

we were hired to do.

You have a lot of confidence.

You've got to be confident.

If you got confidence, anyone would let you walk their dogs.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, um, I know she's not much, but do you think

you might want to walk her?

- Sure. - Amazing.

Thank you.

Thanks!

Mom, they said yes!

They said yes!

I don't know, I didn't ask.

Let us know if you want to run with the big dogs.

And by that, I mean walk dogs of any sizes.

Here's my card.

I think I'll use it.

John?

I forgot my plastic bags.

Bruce, poke him.

You shouldn't forget bags ever again.

I know, I'm sorry.

Just for once.

Hey, look, I'm George Washington Carver.

No?

What if we put seat's up there?

I've got a great idea

that I think will solve a lot of the issues

we've all been having.

You know, the botanist who made

practical uses for peanuts.

Will the counselors please approach the bench?

All right, so just tell me now, did she kill him or not?

No.

We're not going to spoil it, you have to wait till the end.

It won't spoil it.

I'd like to know.

Your Honor, it isn't very fun if we tell you before--

It isn't very fun if I don't know what's happening

because I get very tense and then I can't

appreciate what's happening.

And I have to focus on the trial.

And I need to know now.

OK, so you know how the housemaid--

Do not tell him.

No, I really want to know.

He's asking.

I am, I am.

He doesn't really want to know.

- Yes, I do. - You don't really want to know.

- I do. - It'll ruin it.

I don't know.

I think that he knows what he wants.

I do.

He doesn't know what he wants.

Remember the last time you asked for a spoiler?

- Tell me. - No.

I want to know. Tell me.

- No. - Tell me.

Fine.

He stole the money.

You ruined it.

How did I ruin it?

You-- you spoiled it.

You spoiled it.

Wait a minute, that wasn't us.

Yeah, that wasn't us.

Yeah, who am I thinking about?

I just want to know, did she kill him or not?

No.

The sister did it.

You ruined it.

Why did you tell me?

Why?

I just--

Why did you tell me?

There--

Oh, !

Every morning at this time, Dad

puts one of those great Eggo waffles in the toaster.

And I'm always the last to get one, until today.

Hey, let go of my Eggo!

I can almost taste it.

2, 1, brilliant!

Eggo waffles, part of this complete breakfast.

A flawless execution.

Uh, almost.

Oh, hey, dad.

Where's the Eggo, Tyler?

Duh, I don't know.

Why are you so mad, Dad?

That Eggo is the one bright spot in my day.

And you sit up here for hours making some shitty Rube

Goldberg machine just to take my Eggo away from me

for the ninth time this week.

Oh, hey, Pops, check the lingua.

Ha, ha, whoop!

Uh, major buzz kill, Daddy-o.

Do you have any idea what my life is like, Tyler?

What?

I wake up in the morning.

My 48-year-old putt is half hard--

But--

then I think great, this morning, today, I

might actually my wife.

Mom?

Then I realized she's already gone on her morning run.

What's Mommy running from, Tyler?

Man, I don't know.

Hey, you want to see me pogo?

Look.

Next, I shower and get dressed,

while constantly scanning my body for lumps and moles.

All the time thinking how I'm now

indisputably in the latter half of my life.

Yeah, showers bite.

Look, I'm Shaq, wee!

Then I sit in my car for six hours in a wide parking lot

because Daddy got fired last month.

Whish, check this out, look.

Please stop being mean to me.

I need you to listen to me.

Whoa, watch out.

Look, ah, pew, neh, imagine your dick getting burned off.

Let go of my Eggo, Tyler!

Let go of my Eggo!

Let go of my Eggo!

What is all this noise?

Just telling our son to respect me

and to give me my food back?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Fine.

I'm going to book club.

It's 8:00 AM on a Tuesday, Anne.

Dang, Dad.

I didn't realize your life was so sad.

Here.

And you can have the waffle back.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I got so mad.

Just don't make the same mistakes I did.

Don't get stuck.

I won't.

Meet you in the car in 15.

Yeah, you got it, Dad.

All right.

See you in the car in 15.

Hm.

Decoy waffle.

Prank of the year.

Sayonara!

You ready to go, babe?

Yeah.

Ah!

Hey, I'm Rob Huebel, and this is Caption

This with "Above Average."

This first one is called Hollywood douchebags,

especially this guy right here.

This is Paul Scheer.

Paul and I, when we talk to each other,

it's more important that we call each other

just to give the impression of importance in doing deals.

Because they're important.

And they're pretty cool Hollywood guys.

This one's called someone tried to kiss me on the mouth

and I tried to not accept that kiss on the mouth.

This is Bradley Whitford, who is a great dude, and I love him.

But I wasn't prepared at that moment

to be kissed on the mouth. #SurpriseKiss #NoThankYou

#WhoTookThisPicture.

This little picture is called Casual Wetsuit,

or it's also called Look at my Wiener.

If you look very closely, this guy over here

is using a lifeguard buoy as a wiener.

This is a photo I like to call a terrible boss.

This was my boss for a long time.

I used to do a show called "Children's

Hospital" with this guy.

His name is Rob Corddry.

And he looks similar to Paul Scheer.

Sometimes it's hard to tell them apart.

The worst thing he did was he didn't

want to do "Children's Hospital" anymore

because he wanted to do a bigger TV show with The Rock

on HBO, so great.

Look at this piece of .

Robert Frost.

No, he's a great guy.

He's a good friend of mine.

We belong to the same country club.

I haven't seen him in a while.

Civil War Suckers, that's what I call this.

Civil War, we don't need no civil war.

#GunsNRoses.

This guy was also not cool.

In fact, they're taking down statues of him right now.

Sorry, bro.

Best looking man in the universe.

So this is Rob Lowe working out some issues from his childhood.

I had my picture taken one time on Instagram.

Not to brag, but I have an Instagram.

And I was standing next to Rob Lowe.

And then I looked at the picture and I thought,

that was a terrible idea.

I hope you enjoy this edition of Caption

This for "Above Average."

I'm Rob Huebel.

I'm swimming.

My muscles moving to the rhythm of the lapping swells.

I can't come up for air, but I can still breathe.

And I stop.

There's Goldy.

He looks at me and he smiles.

I smile back.

And that's when I realized, he was dead.

Everyone can see you.

Everyone can hear you through the thin white walls.

It was three years ago.

I was working as the operator at a carnival

of the bottle toss booth, and I was cleaning up for the night.

I was putting all the goldfish away,

and I noticed that one of the bags was empty,

and I started to look for the fish, but it wasn't in the bag.

It was on the ground.

I learned CPR in high school.

So I started performing compressions on the fish,

and he started moving one fin.

He was waving at me.

From that moment on, Goldie and I were inseparable.

I learned everything there was to know about goldfish.

Did you know that goldfish can't close their eyes?

They've been domesticated for 1,500 years.

Goldfish see more color than humans,

and yet, they do not know racism.

Five of the 44 US presidents have been goldfish.

They are not actually made of gold.

Some scientists believe our world is a giant goldfish.

And then Goldie started to change.

He was listless.

He was not interested in food.

It was like he didn't even recognize me.

That was when I took him to the vet.

He said that he--

he had the fish diabetes, and he was going blind.

Probably only had another year--

year to live.

Sup, bro.

So at that point, I knew he had to have a huge--

hey, are you guys filming in here?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're very clearly filming.

Did you know that goldfish can't close their eyes.

Yeah.

Goldfish see more color than humans.

Um.

Five of the 44 US presidents have been goldfish.

I don't remember.

Some scientists believe our world is a giant goldfish.

OK, yeah, I did it.

I killed Goldie.

I gave him all that cocaine.

That little guy was just sucking it up.

Goldie.

Uh, yeah.

I killed Goldie.

I came home one day, and I saw him in his tank

doing massive amounts of blow.

Um.

And you know, Goldie was a nice fish.

So he offered me something.

I was like, great. It's Goldie.

Hey, I need you to do something.

So we were just sitting there doing rail

after rail after rail, and things

got real personal real quick.

Goldie looks at me, and he's like--

OK, yeah, I did it.

Put me in your asshole. I killed Goldie.

And look, I'll be real with you.

I've watched a ton of Japanese eel porn, like a ton.

So I was like, cool, man, yeah.

Great.

Let's do it, and then it--

It went wrong.

I took him out.

I tried to give him CPR, but he was gone.

Goldie.

I ran for it.

s Sometimes I think, maybe this is what Goldie wanted.

He knew he was sick, and he wanted to go out with a bang.

Yeah, I just--

I just miss putting fish in my ass.

We now take you live to Capitol Hill

where a congressional hearing on exercise trends is underway.

Mr. Flintz, why do you feel the need

to post so many pictures of your crossfit workouts online?

I put a lot of work into this body.

I'm not ashamed to show it off.

Sir, can you try to explain to us--

Did you bring your own weights in?

Bicep curls.

Hey, can you get a better angle of this for me?

So this one is for the 5K zombie run.

This one is for the naked Santa run.

OK, ma'am.

And, oh, this one's from the color run that I just did.

I'm covered in rainbow dust.

Ma'am, that's enough.

We did not ask you about your medals.

Oh, are you asking about my medals?

No.

No one asked about your medals.

Did you?

I did not.

Sir, why do you feel the need to make

your exercising so public?

Everyone posts photos of themselves working out.

Not everyone, sir.

I did 20 minutes of Kegel exercises in my office

this morning and did not post a single photo.

You got to keep your back straight.

Form is the most important thing.

Sir, can you get off the chair?

Actually, could you face this way a little bit?

The composition is much better.

Oh, yeah.

This one was for the Cinnabon fun run,

and this one was for the Philly quarter marathon.

A quarter marathon?

Which I'm raising money for.

Miss Flats, no one's going to donate money to someone

running a quarter marathon.

We can give you a quarter for a quarter marathon.

Listen, I push myself to the limit in these races, OK?

I crawl through the mud.

I scale huge walls, and I run long distances.

Physical accomplishments like that

deserve to be documented and shared.

I just think there's something bigger at play

here causing you to post over 130 photos of yourself

in these extreme races in the past year.

What aren't you telling us?

Samantha.

Sir?

My ex-girlfriend Samantha.

I purposefully do races with people

that she knows so that I'm tagged in photos

that show up in her news feed.

I need her to know that I'm in the best

goddamn shape of my life.

That's really smart.

Samantha!

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why do you still have that phone?

There it is.

We'll be back in a few minutes

with this continuing investigation

and join us tomorrow for the Congressional hearing

on people who record videos of concerts on their phones.

Proud of me now, dad?

Huh, papa?

Oh.

OK.

I'm going to throw up.

Uh, 26th and 8th please.

Step on it.

Sure thing.

By the way, you're on Taxi Cash, the game show taxi.

What?

All right, I'm going to ask you a few questions on the way,

and if you answer correctly, you win cash.

OK, first question.

What is the-- oh, sweet Jesus!

Oh, god.

Oh, god, what happened?

You ran a red light and hit a school bus.

$50.

All right.

Oh, my legs.

My legs.

Why can't I feel my legs?

Uh, because they're on the sidewalk.

More money.

I love New York!

Oh, god, grandpa.

Grandpa, is that you?

Uh, uh, no.

It's just your brain giving you comforting images as you die.

Woo!

Yeah. Good job.

Yeah.

All right, everyone, stay calm.

I'm a paramedic.

The driver looks pretty injured, but are you two in the back OK,

or do you have any injuries yourself?

Um, are we OK?

Well, we just got into a car crash.

We are definitely not OK.

I'm hurting.

We must count as injured, I guess.

Quickly, quickly.

Are you hurt in any way?

I say we go with OK.

OK. OK, you're right, honey.

I trust you.

Sir, we are OK.

Yeah!

Oh, my god, the Taxi Cash taxi.

I love this show.

Hey, driver, give me an autograph for my wife, huh?

I think he's dead.

Ah!

Woo!

Yeah!