All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E14.Puberty.Has.Wrecked.These.Kids.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

I got in a fight recently
with a stranger on the streets

of New York City and it was
actually one of the better

experiences that I've had.

And that's astounding,
because normally,

when you're in that
situation in New York,

it means there's
like a crazy person

grabbing you and being like--

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

And you're like, hey,
man, I'm just trying

to go to the biggest store.

I got in a fight that
was the opposite of that.

I was driving in Manhattan
and I had this whole row

of green lights in front
of me, so I had some speed

build up, some momentum.

And there was this
guy in my lane

just stopped at a green light.

Come on, man.

Move.

He's not moving at all.

Now, there's cars passing
them on both sides

so I can't shift lanes
to go around this guy.

My only option is to come up
behind him, hit the brakes,

and lean on the
horn a little bit.

Here's the horn.

He moves on.

And that should be
the end of this story.

Instead, eventually, I hit
a red light and the guy

pulls up next to me.

He motions for me to
roll down the window.

And he goes--

What's the matter, man?

You have some kind of big rush?

And I went, no, I wasn't
honking at you to be aggressive.

I was honking at you because
you were creating like a--

like a really
dangerous situation.

And then he got even
angrier and he goes--

What do you mean by that?

And I was like, well,
I feel like this one's

pretty self explanatory, man.

And he goes--

Oh, we were talking
to each other.

And I hadn't noticed that
the light turned green.

And I go, I feel like we might
actually be on the same page

about this one.

I can see that you're
still very upset with me.

I get that.

But If you think about
it, we actually came

together and like had a moment.

And he tried to brush me off.

He was like--

All right, man.

Whatever, we're cool.

And I could have just
let the fight end there.

But instead, I got
all emo about it.

And I was like,
actually, we're not cool.

Because now, you
hurt my feelings.

And he's like--

What do you mean I
hurt your feelings?

And I'm like, well, you've
got out of town license plates.

You're in-- you're in New York.

You want to have a nice drive
with these two lovely ladies.

And now you've made me the
villain in your mind, like I'm

an impatient cliche New Yorker,
who's only worried about where

he needs to go.

When really, all I'm worried
about is all of our safety.

And he thinks about it.

He's like--

You're right, man.

I'm being an idiot.

I don't-- don't know
what I'm mad about.

And right then, the
light turned green

and I started to pull away.

And he goes--
- One more thing.

And I thought he was going
to do that jerk move, where he

like yells one last thing
and then gets out of there

to win the fight like--

Your forehead is too big.

And then peel out.
So he goes--

One more thing.

And I go, what's up?

My mother-in-law
says you're cute.

It's the best fight
I've ever been in.

All right.

"Stranger Things" Season 2.

Oh, my God.

You really has
wrecked these kids.

I'm not scared.

No way.

These kids are like 12 and
they're not scared, so ah.

OK, I love seeing more
of the upside down,

but do we have to keep
cutting to Barb's dead body?

All right.

Just one more episode
and I'm going to bed.

It's a lie.

That's never been true.

Oh, yes, 11.

Wait am I cool the
12-year-old murdering people?

Yes, it's definitely different
than season 1, but it's good.

No, it's good.

It's totally good.

No, go back to the lab.

I don't care about
Nancy and Steve.

Steve sucks.

Oh, they're really laying
on this '80s nostalgia.

Oh, "Ghostbusters."

Winona Ryder, pull
yourself together.

You are a mess.

Oh, my God.

Listen to the kids.

Why won't you
listen to the kids?

No, you stupid kids.

Get out of there.

No, sorry, man.

Can't make it out tonight.

Winona needs me.

We can do this.

So that's what the
monster looks like.

It's not that scary.

It's over?

God, why didn't I space it out?

Now, I have to wait
a whole other year.

I've still got some
time before work.

OK, why am I scared again?

Hey.

Hey.

Did you hear about this crazy
new thing Beyonce did where

she invented body heat, and
then she provided shelter

for the ambiguously homeless,
and then she won the Nobel

Prize for attending life?

She really do all that?

She did all that.

How does she
manage all of that?

I don't know.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

She comes from a planet
Beyonce in the galaxy

of Destiny's Child.

Her body is made up
of alien diamonds

and her day has 36 hours.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

It's strange that she didn't
win "Star Search" because she

comes from the stars.

Her hair is cosmotronic
and her favorite candy

bars are Mars bars.

Her waist to hip ratio
is extraterrestrial.

Her body, face, and arms and
legs are super celestial.

Beyonce is not a human.

No way.

No way.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

She's got us looking
so spacey in love.

You know what?

That-- that make a lot of sense.

Yeah, definitely.

Definitely, it--
it explains a lot.

They were cute.
They were fun.

They were hip.

They were amusing.

I'd give them money.

You didn't, though, right?

She's Katie, a lady,
a lady named Katie.

Hi.

Just a manicure, please.

Pick a color.

Pick a color.

Pick a color.

Pick a color.

Katie.

Katie.

Katie.

Katie.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

This is the best day of my life.

Will you be my best friend?

No, thanks.

Hey, good morning.

What did you say?

I-- I--

I said, good morning.

It's not a great morning.

It's just good.

Like a B on a report
card or daytime TV.

Because I thought I
was better than good.

You are.

You're much better than good.

You're-- you're really good.

Thank you.

You should really think
about the language you

use before you say it, silly.

Oh, I'm trying to say is I
had an amazing time last night.

You did?

Yeah.

I had an amazing time.

So it's all about you.

I guess, my feelings
don't matter.

I guess, I'm invisible.

No, not.

What am I?

Like a ghost who helps
you make pottery?

No, no, no.

None-- none of that.

I never said that-- it's
not-- not about just me.

I meant, we-- you--
you and I. We--

I-- I thought, we
had fun together.

We had fun together?

What am I?

Like an Xbox game?

Some lame small-town carnival--

I didn't say that

with shitty rides.

Oh, let's just get drunk
and go to the lame carnival.

That's fun.
- No, no, no.

I-- I didn't mean--

I mean, I didn't
mean that at all.

I mean-- I mean, you're great.

I'm great?

Yeah, great.

You know, because it's
not-- it's not good,

which you didn't like.

OK, I guess, the
word stupendous

is only reserved for really
special people in your life.

I don't say stupendous.

And stupendous is not a word
that I use in everyday life.

Really?
Because you just used it twice.

You just said it Twice

OK, right.

This is not how I intended
this morning to go.

You're taking everything
I'm saying-- you're taking

everything that I'm
saying and you're spinning

it to make it negative.

Tell me what you want
me to say, I'll say it.

Tell me I'm
prettier than Beyonce.

You're prettier than Beyonce.

Fuck you.

No one's prettier than Beyonce.

You told me to tell you that
you're prettier than Beyonce.

I'd said it.
- Take it back.

Say Beyonce is prettier than me.

Beyonce is prettier than you.

It's was a trap.

You think Beyonce's
prettier than me?

OK.

Well, I'm just telling you
what you told me to say.

No, that's not how it works.

I want you to say
what you want to say,

but I want what you want to say
to be what I want you to say.

You're asking
me to be psychic.

No.

I'm not asking you to like have
superpowers like Wolverine.

Well, Jean Gray.

She's-- she's the one who
reads mind, just real quick.

Sorry.
- What?

She did that
X-Men that Wolverine

killing powers.
- Oh, my God.

I don't want you to be psychic.

I just want you to know what
I'm thinking and then say it.

OK, I will see you later.

Oh, later.

That makes sense because you
can't be specific with me

because you don't think
I can keep a calendar.

I don't care
about your calendar.

I'm just trying to be nice.

Trying to be nice.

I get it.

Because if you let
the truth come out,

then you would tell me,
what you really think,

which is that you think
my back is too muscular.

OK, I just want you to
shut up and just listen

to what I'm going to say, OK?

Just take this
with zero subtext.

I had a great time
with you last night.

And I think you are beautiful.

And you're obviously
horrible taking

compliments, that's fine.

I'm going to say this anyway
and put myself out there.

You give me butterflies.

And I haven't felt
that in a while.

And I really want
to see you again.

No bullshit.

No games.

Like I-- I like you.

Can't believe
what I'm hearing.

I mean it.

I like you.

I give you butterflies?

Yeah.

I mean, who gets butterflies?

Special needs children when
they go on a field trip

to the bubble factory.

They get butterflies.

Did you know that a butterfly
is actually an insect

that was previously a worm.

That's what I give you.

I give you worms.

And you like me.

You know, I like
vanilla ice cream.

I like when my friends
call me shell, shell.

But I like, like you
and you only like me?

You don't even like, like me.

What the fuck?

OK.

You are clearly bad
shit crazy, so I

hope you use the rest of today
to just go fuck yourself.

Goodbye forever.

That's like the sweetest thing
that anyone's ever said to me.

Oh, God.

Do you want to have more sex?

OK.

OK?

OK?

So just two letters,
O and K. I mean,

you get to have sex with
this and it's just, OK?

I can't even play that
at words with friends.

The front desk.

We'll send that right up.

OK, bye, bye.

Hello.

I'd like to check in.

I'm a physicist.

I'm with the convention.

Oh, yes.

The physicists convention.

Well I got your
welcome bag right here.

So you got some
beakers, goggles.

Got them.

- Black and white cookie.
- Hey, that's new.

- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.

You know, Interesting
thing, this hotel

is on a very unique point
in the time space continuum.

I don't want to scare
you, but this hotel

rests on what we, physicists,
call a corner in time.

Oh, I never heard of that.

Well, it's very theoretical,
but there is a chance,

one on a billion,
that you and I could

get caught in a time loop.

You should put that
in a "Frommer's Guide,"

get some more
people in the hotel.

That's funny.

Now, I don't want to
scare you, but there

is a one in a billion
chance that you and I could

get caught in a time loop.

Sure.

This hotel is on what
we call a corner in time.

Right.

And I don't want to
scare you, but there

is a one in a billion
chance that you and I could

get caught in a time loop.

Right.

And I don't want to scare
you, but A, this hotel

is on a corner in
time, And B, this hotel

is on a corner in time.

You just said that.

And B, we could get
caught in a time loop.

- You went back to the--
- I'm a physicist--

- Yeah, I know--
- here for the convention.

I know.

You said that.

We, physicists, call
it a corner in time.

Right.
I know all this.

Christopher.

Yes.

You and Christopher could
be caught in a time corner.

I'm a physicist.
- Yes, I know.

Here for the hotel.

I gave you your gift bag.

And I'd like to check in.

Oh, you already did.

I'm a physicist and
for the convention.

There is a theory
that theoretically, we

could theorize ourselves
into a loop in time.

I'm sorry.

I can't keep this up.

What's happening?

I'm just messing with you.

Oh.

That's a physicist joke.

So that mean, we
weren't in a time loop.

You would never
be aware of it.

Oh, well I feel like a boob.

That's hilarious.

I'm sorry.

No, that's OK.

I didn't want to scare you.

No, no.

Oh, OK.

Well, yeah.

We don't have anything like
that in the hotel business.

Our biggest prank is leaving
the phone off the hook.

So here's your key.

Great.

And, you know, if
you and your buddies

are hanging out
tonight, I'm free.

I'd love to hang.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, enjoy your
time at the convention.

And I'll have a good
time at the front desk.

The front desk.

Hi, I'm Charles.

I'll be your hangover today.

Clearly, David Foster
Wallace is using the palm

tree motif to symbolize
the protagonists quest

for tranquility.

Really?

Now, see, I assumed it was
more about contrasting nature

with the lifeless of
the entertainment.

We must be reading
different novels

here because to me, I think the
palm tree was representing--

All right, nerds.

It's time to skip
ahead to Chapter four.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah.

It makes me
Grisham novels.

Grisham.

Grisham.

Yeah.

And then this is
the ...

You can still party like
the night never ended.

It was pulling
out for the homies.

And members
support Public Radio.

NPR.

Oh.

How's that feel?

Wait a second.

Honey?

Where are you?

I think I'm in an alley behind
the liquor store on Fifth.

I'll be there in 10.

Don't move.

Yeah.

Giddy up, good buddy.

Right.

Beautiful day, huh?

Honey.

Oh, Jesus.

I'll give it back.

Honey.

Oh, God.

You like classical
music, right?

Is that bronze?

I am never drinking again.

That's what they all say.

Can everybody say catfish?

Catfish.

Good job.

Class dismissed.

I'm going to .

Just kidding.

That was deception, which is the
theme of today's puppet show.

Oh.

Hello, boys and girls.

My name is princess Esmeralda.

And today, I meet my prince.

I've been talking to him
online for five months.

And his name is Prince Ralph.

He is tall with a full
head of hair and teeth

as white as a picket fence.

I am so excited.

We're meeting at a magical
place, my local panara.

Esmeralda?

Excuse me, monster, I'm
waiting for my prince.

I am your prince.

Ha ha ha.

I'm bored with my
life and wanted

an adventure at your
expense, miss dinner for one.

There's nothing wrong
with a lean cuisine.

Children, what just happened
to princess Esmeralda?

Yeah.

Well, she catfished.

She was, yes.

And what do we know
about princess Esmeralda?

It's you.

- Duh.
- Wow.

OK.

I was going to say that she is
kind and seems fun to hang out

with, but also yeah, it's me.

It was me.

This was a version of me.

Let's not-- and it's not over.

What happened next?

Well, princess
Esmeralda had just

ordered her broccoli
cheddar soup

in a caldron made of bread.

Wow.

And since she
ordered it to stay,

she decided to confront
the evil prince Ralph.

You lied about everything.

So did you.

You said you were a hot teacher,
and you look like a lunch lady.

I would never refer
to myself as hot.

OK, cute, yes.

Lovable, absolutely.

But hot is the word I reserved
for my broccoli cheddar bread

bowl.

And to make matters worse,
prince Ralph said he was going

to the bathroom and then
just never came back,

which was what I
was going to do.

And then I got a
call from Mrs. Ralph,

someone I didn't even
was still in the picture

and she was screaming.

You dirty slush.

You home wrecker.

This is all your fault.
And I was like, excuse me,

I support women that
is one of my platforms.

Also, he said he was separate.

And she was like, well,
separate is a divorce.

And I was like, well, it
isn't together either.

Also, why are we fighting?

Women should be
supporting women.

And then this bitch
hung up on me.

We'll put these down
and we'll just--

I think that.

And then-- so that-- that'll
be that with the puppets.

Also, my soup was cold.

Time for recess.