Original subtitles

I got in a fight recently with a stranger on the streets

of New York City and it was actually one of the better

experiences that I've had.

And that's astounding, because normally,

when you're in that situation in New York,

it means there's like a crazy person

grabbing you and being like--

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

And you're like, hey, man, I'm just trying

to go to the biggest store.

I got in a fight that was the opposite of that.

I was driving in Manhattan and I had this whole row

of green lights in front of me, so I had some speed

build up, some momentum.

And there was this guy in my lane

just stopped at a green light.

Come on, man.

Move.

He's not moving at all.

Now, there's cars passing them on both sides

so I can't shift lanes to go around this guy.

My only option is to come up behind him, hit the brakes,

and lean on the horn a little bit.

Here's the horn.

He moves on.

And that should be the end of this story.

Instead, eventually, I hit a red light and the guy

pulls up next to me.

He motions for me to roll down the window.

And he goes--

What's the matter, man?

You have some kind of big rush?

And I went, no, I wasn't honking at you to be aggressive.

I was honking at you because you were creating like a--

like a really dangerous situation.

And then he got even angrier and he goes--

What do you mean by that?

And I was like, well, I feel like this one's

pretty self explanatory, man.

And he goes--

Oh, we were talking to each other.

And I hadn't noticed that the light turned green.

And I go, I feel like we might actually be on the same page

about this one.

I can see that you're still very upset with me.

I get that.

But If you think about it, we actually came

together and like had a moment.

And he tried to brush me off.

He was like--

All right, man.

Whatever, we're cool.

And I could have just let the fight end there.

But instead, I got all emo about it.

And I was like, actually, we're not cool.

Because now, you hurt my feelings.

And he's like--

What do you mean I hurt your feelings?

And I'm like, well, you've got out of town license plates.

You're in-- you're in New York.

You want to have a nice drive with these two lovely ladies.

And now you've made me the villain in your mind, like I'm

an impatient cliche New Yorker, who's only worried about where

he needs to go.

When really, all I'm worried about is all of our safety.

And he thinks about it.

He's like--

You're right, man.

I'm being an idiot.

I don't-- don't know what I'm mad about.

And right then, the light turned green

and I started to pull away.

And he goes-- - One more thing.

And I thought he was going to do that jerk move, where he

like yells one last thing and then gets out of there

to win the fight like--

Your forehead is too big.

And then peel out. So he goes--

One more thing.

And I go, what's up?

My mother-in-law says you're cute.

It's the best fight I've ever been in.

All right.

"Stranger Things" Season 2.

Oh, my God.

You really has wrecked these kids.

I'm not scared.

No way.

These kids are like 12 and they're not scared, so ah.

OK, I love seeing more of the upside down,

but do we have to keep cutting to Barb's dead body?

All right.

Just one more episode and I'm going to bed.

It's a lie.

That's never been true.

Oh, yes, 11.

Wait am I cool the 12-year-old murdering people?

Yes, it's definitely different than season 1, but it's good.

No, it's good.

It's totally good.

No, go back to the lab.

I don't care about Nancy and Steve.

Steve sucks.

Oh, they're really laying on this '80s nostalgia.

Oh, "Ghostbusters."

Winona Ryder, pull yourself together.

You are a mess.

Oh, my God.

Listen to the kids.

Why won't you listen to the kids?

No, you stupid kids.

Get out of there.

No, sorry, man.

Can't make it out tonight.

Winona needs me.

We can do this.

So that's what the monster looks like.

It's not that scary.

It's over?

God, why didn't I space it out?

Now, I have to wait a whole other year.

I've still got some time before work.

OK, why am I scared again?

Hey.

Hey.

Did you hear about this crazy new thing Beyonce did where

she invented body heat, and then she provided shelter

for the ambiguously homeless, and then she won the Nobel

Prize for attending life?

She really do all that?

She did all that.

How does she manage all of that?

I don't know.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

She comes from a planet Beyonce in the galaxy

of Destiny's Child.

Her body is made up of alien diamonds

and her day has 36 hours.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

It's strange that she didn't win "Star Search" because she

comes from the stars.

Her hair is cosmotronic and her favorite candy

bars are Mars bars.

Her waist to hip ratio is extraterrestrial.

Her body, face, and arms and legs are super celestial.

Beyonce is not a human.

No way.

No way.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce, Beyonce alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

Beyonce is an alien.

She's got us looking so spacey in love.

You know what?

That-- that make a lot of sense.

Yeah, definitely.

Definitely, it-- it explains a lot.

They were cute. They were fun.

They were hip.

They were amusing.

I'd give them money.

You didn't, though, right?

She's Katie, a lady, a lady named Katie.

Hi.

Just a manicure, please.

Pick a color.

Pick a color.

Pick a color.

Pick a color.

Katie.

Katie.

Katie.

Katie.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

This is the best day of my life.

Will you be my best friend?

No, thanks.

Hey, good morning.

What did you say?

I-- I--

I said, good morning.

It's not a great morning.

It's just good.

Like a B on a report card or daytime TV.

Because I thought I was better than good.

You are.

You're much better than good.

You're-- you're really good.

Thank you.

You should really think about the language you

use before you say it, silly.

Oh, I'm trying to say is I had an amazing time last night.

You did?

Yeah.

I had an amazing time.

So it's all about you.

I guess, my feelings don't matter.

I guess, I'm invisible.

No, not.

What am I?

Like a ghost who helps you make pottery?

No, no, no.

None-- none of that.

I never said that-- it's not-- not about just me.

I meant, we-- you-- you and I. We--

I-- I thought, we had fun together.

We had fun together?

What am I?

Like an Xbox game?

Some lame small-town carnival--

I didn't say that

with shitty rides.

Oh, let's just get drunk and go to the lame carnival.

That's fun. - No, no, no.

I-- I didn't mean--

I mean, I didn't mean that at all.

I mean-- I mean, you're great.

I'm great?

Yeah, great.

You know, because it's not-- it's not good,

which you didn't like.

OK, I guess, the word stupendous

is only reserved for really special people in your life.

I don't say stupendous.

And stupendous is not a word that I use in everyday life.

Really? Because you just used it twice.

You just said it Twice

OK, right.

This is not how I intended this morning to go.

You're taking everything I'm saying-- you're taking

everything that I'm saying and you're spinning

it to make it negative.

Tell me what you want me to say, I'll say it.

Tell me I'm prettier than Beyonce.

You're prettier than Beyonce.

Fuck you.

No one's prettier than Beyonce.

You told me to tell you that you're prettier than Beyonce.

I'd said it. - Take it back.

Say Beyonce is prettier than me.

Beyonce is prettier than you.

It's was a trap.

You think Beyonce's prettier than me?

OK.

Well, I'm just telling you what you told me to say.

No, that's not how it works.

I want you to say what you want to say,

but I want what you want to say to be what I want you to say.

You're asking me to be psychic.

No.

I'm not asking you to like have superpowers like Wolverine.

Well, Jean Gray.

She's-- she's the one who reads mind, just real quick.

Sorry. - What?

She did that X-Men that Wolverine

killing powers. - Oh, my God.

I don't want you to be psychic.

I just want you to know what I'm thinking and then say it.

OK, I will see you later.

Oh, later.

That makes sense because you can't be specific with me

because you don't think I can keep a calendar.

I don't care about your calendar.

I'm just trying to be nice.

Trying to be nice.

I get it.

Because if you let the truth come out,

then you would tell me, what you really think,

which is that you think my back is too muscular.

OK, I just want you to shut up and just listen

to what I'm going to say, OK?

Just take this with zero subtext.

I had a great time with you last night.

And I think you are beautiful.

And you're obviously horrible taking

compliments, that's fine.

I'm going to say this anyway and put myself out there.

You give me butterflies.

And I haven't felt that in a while.

And I really want to see you again.

No bullshit.

No games.

Like I-- I like you.

Can't believe what I'm hearing.

I mean it.

I like you.

I give you butterflies?

Yeah.

I mean, who gets butterflies?

Special needs children when they go on a field trip

to the bubble factory.

They get butterflies.

Did you know that a butterfly is actually an insect

that was previously a worm.

That's what I give you.

I give you worms.

And you like me.

You know, I like vanilla ice cream.

I like when my friends call me shell, shell.

But I like, like you and you only like me?

You don't even like, like me.

What the fuck?

OK.

You are clearly bad shit crazy, so I

hope you use the rest of today to just go fuck yourself.

Goodbye forever.

That's like the sweetest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

Oh, God.

Do you want to have more sex?

OK.

OK?

OK?

So just two letters, O and K. I mean,

you get to have sex with this and it's just, OK?

I can't even play that at words with friends.

The front desk.

We'll send that right up.

OK, bye, bye.

Hello.

I'd like to check in.

I'm a physicist.

I'm with the convention.

Oh, yes.

The physicists convention.

Well I got your welcome bag right here.

So you got some beakers, goggles.

Got them.

- Black and white cookie. - Hey, that's new.

- Yeah. - Thank you very much.

You know, Interesting thing, this hotel

is on a very unique point in the time space continuum.

I don't want to scare you, but this hotel

rests on what we, physicists, call a corner in time.

Oh, I never heard of that.

Well, it's very theoretical, but there is a chance,

one on a billion, that you and I could

get caught in a time loop.

You should put that in a "Frommer's Guide,"

get some more people in the hotel.

That's funny.

Now, I don't want to scare you, but there

is a one in a billion chance that you and I could

get caught in a time loop.

Sure.

This hotel is on what we call a corner in time.

Right.

And I don't want to scare you, but there

is a one in a billion chance that you and I could

get caught in a time loop.

Right.

And I don't want to scare you, but A, this hotel

is on a corner in time, And B, this hotel

is on a corner in time.

You just said that.

And B, we could get caught in a time loop.

- You went back to the-- - I'm a physicist--

- Yeah, I know-- - here for the convention.

I know.

You said that.

We, physicists, call it a corner in time.

Right. I know all this.

Christopher.

Yes.

You and Christopher could be caught in a time corner.

I'm a physicist. - Yes, I know.

Here for the hotel.

I gave you your gift bag.

And I'd like to check in.

Oh, you already did.

I'm a physicist and for the convention.

There is a theory that theoretically, we

could theorize ourselves into a loop in time.

I'm sorry.

I can't keep this up.

What's happening?

I'm just messing with you.

Oh.

That's a physicist joke.

So that mean, we weren't in a time loop.

You would never be aware of it.

Oh, well I feel like a boob.

That's hilarious.

I'm sorry.

No, that's OK.

I didn't want to scare you.

No, no.

Oh, OK.

Well, yeah.

We don't have anything like that in the hotel business.

Our biggest prank is leaving the phone off the hook.

So here's your key.

Great.

And, you know, if you and your buddies

are hanging out tonight, I'm free.

I'd love to hang.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, enjoy your time at the convention.

And I'll have a good time at the front desk.

The front desk.

Hi, I'm Charles.

I'll be your hangover today.

Clearly, David Foster Wallace is using the palm

tree motif to symbolize the protagonists quest

for tranquility.

Really?

Now, see, I assumed it was more about contrasting nature

with the lifeless of the entertainment.

We must be reading different novels

here because to me, I think the palm tree was representing--

All right, nerds.

It's time to skip ahead to Chapter four.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah.

It makes me Grisham novels.

Grisham.

Grisham.

Yeah.

And then this is the ...

You can still party like the night never ended.

It was pulling out for the homies.

And members support Public Radio.

NPR.

Oh.

How's that feel?

Wait a second.

Honey?

Where are you?

I think I'm in an alley behind the liquor store on Fifth.

I'll be there in 10.

Don't move.

Yeah.

Giddy up, good buddy.

Right.

Beautiful day, huh?

Honey.

Oh, Jesus.

I'll give it back.

Honey.

Oh, God.

You like classical music, right?

Is that bronze?

I am never drinking again.

That's what they all say.

Can everybody say catfish?

Catfish.

Good job.

Class dismissed.

I'm going to .

Just kidding.

That was deception, which is the theme of today's puppet show.

Oh.

Hello, boys and girls.

My name is princess Esmeralda.

And today, I meet my prince.

I've been talking to him online for five months.

And his name is Prince Ralph.

He is tall with a full head of hair and teeth

as white as a picket fence.

I am so excited.

We're meeting at a magical place, my local panara.

Esmeralda?

Excuse me, monster, I'm waiting for my prince.

I am your prince.

Ha ha ha.

I'm bored with my life and wanted

an adventure at your expense, miss dinner for one.

There's nothing wrong with a lean cuisine.

Children, what just happened to princess Esmeralda?

Yeah.

Well, she catfished.

She was, yes.

And what do we know about princess Esmeralda?

It's you.

- Duh. - Wow.

OK.

I was going to say that she is kind and seems fun to hang out

with, but also yeah, it's me.

It was me.

This was a version of me.

Let's not-- and it's not over.

What happened next?

Well, princess Esmeralda had just

ordered her broccoli cheddar soup

in a caldron made of bread.

Wow.

And since she ordered it to stay,

she decided to confront the evil prince Ralph.

You lied about everything.

So did you.

You said you were a hot teacher, and you look like a lunch lady.

I would never refer to myself as hot.

OK, cute, yes.

Lovable, absolutely.

But hot is the word I reserved for my broccoli cheddar bread

bowl.

And to make matters worse, prince Ralph said he was going

to the bathroom and then just never came back,

which was what I was going to do.

And then I got a call from Mrs. Ralph,

someone I didn't even was still in the picture

and she was screaming.

You dirty slush.

You home wrecker.

This is all your fault. And I was like, excuse me,

I support women that is one of my platforms.

Also, he said he was separate.

And she was like, well, separate is a divorce.

And I was like, well, it isn't together either.

Also, why are we fighting?

Women should be supporting women.

And then this bitch hung up on me.

We'll put these down and we'll just--

I think that.

And then-- so that-- that'll be that with the puppets.

Also, my soup was cold.

Time for recess.