All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E13.Its.Going.to.Stink.in.Here.When.You.Get.Back.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

You the new dog walker?

Yes sir, John.

All right, let's go.

It's not called dog standing.

Good, this will work.

Now, I know everything there is
to know about the dogs I walk.

This is Thad Paisley, I've
been walking him for two weeks.

He loves long grains,
he wears bandannas

around his neck in the winter.

In the summer, he
wears sandals for dogs.

Any questions?

What kind
of grains does he like?

Mostly barley.

My dog!

Oh my god, it's my Butter Nuts!

No, no, no, this
isn't your dog.

This belongs to
one of our clients.

Yeah, he loves grains
and in the summer

he wears sandals for dogs.

Yes, I know.

How do you know that?

It's my dog.

I raised him since he
was a little puppy,

he only helps to
drop my anxiety.

I'm still shaking.

All right, everyone calm down.

This is what we're going to
do, we'll call the client

and we'll find out
what's going on.

You do it, John.

It can be part of training.

We're back together.

Oh my goodness.

Miss Rochelle?

Phone call for you,
it's your dog walker.

Oh, thanks Amanda.

Oh and Amanda, well you
can go ahead and clear out

your desk because you're fired.

Go.

This is Rochelle.

Hi, this is your dog walker.

I'm dog walking
your dog right now

and there's a man here
that says that it's his dog

and that it was
kidnapped from him.

OK, I need you to listen
to me very carefully.

Mm-hmm.

Run!

Run.

Um, Steve, can I talk
to you for a moment?

Yeah.

She says to run.

Well, have to do what
the client says, otherwise

it's illegal.

Let's run.
Go.

Come on!

Let's go!

Stop them!

Stop them!

Oh my God, they got my dog!

Somebody-- Somebody stop them.

We have to do something!

No, we can't!

Our concern is
walking Thad Paisley,

that's what we've got to do.

You want to dig around and
help people, join an army.

You want to really
save lives, walk a dog.

Now, what's it going to be John?

What's it going to be?

Hand me that leash.

So I guess this
tooth is dead now?

Well, I guess if you love
it, you got to let it go.

Yeah, I guess so--

Oh, where are you going?

Hi, I'm Stephen,
I'm an accountant.

And I love man-made lakes.

What is happening?

So I guess my best asset
is my sense of exploration.

Oh, what kind of wine is that?

Oh, it's a Pinot.

Oh, my thing.

Oh, I guess--

Oh.

I'm sorry, is
there like a speed

dating thing happening here?

I didn't realize this
was going on tonight.

Well, do you feel
like a love connection?

I don't.

OK, your loss.

I'm nasty rich.

Nasty rich?

That's really, really rich.

Some say my best asset
is exploring stuff.

What's that?

It's a Cabernet.

Oh, my fave.

May I?

Oh.

Hi.
- Hi.

So what are some of
your likes and dislikes?

I dislike that this
is happening right now.

I'm not doing this dating thing.

No, I know it can be
scary to get back in there.

No, no, no, no,
you misunderstood.

I lost my best friend.

Aw, my ex was my
best friend too.

Can you go?

Oh, I don't think
the bell rang though.

Ding.

Oh, well you're loss,
I'm a professional Chef.

Oh no, I like when
people cook for me.

Well, I guess my best
asset is what's that.

Oh, it's a--

Oh, yes, it's mine.

No, no, no, how do
I make it so people

stop coming to this table?

I don't want to do this.

Do I need to put a
sign up or something?

Well, I'm hoping that's a sign
that you're interested in me?

I'm not.

Your loss, I
have a huge penis.

And I usually stop
calling after a few weeks.

Oh no, oh you
could be the one.

My best asset is-- oh--

please, give it to me.

Come on, give it.

Give it.

DVDs?

No,
wait what do you have?

Ghost Dad, Ghost Ship--

A lot of ghost ones.

Ghosts.

Bring me wine and then he rubs
my belly and tells me it's OK.

And then he comes to sing--

Oh, there you are.

You're my best asset.

Oh, you're my best ass.

Oh no.

I'm too drunk.

You're too drunk?

I'm too drunk.

Well, maybe you
shouldn't drink so much.

Hey, who are you, my mom?

Oh, Jimmy, this is
such a wonderful date

we're so young
and in love and we

have so much life ahead of us.

We sure do, Mary.

Look at the stars.

There's the Big Dipper, and the
Little Dipper and an asteroid

headed straight for Earth.

Wait, what?

Quick, there's a
telescope back at school.

Here it is.

I've got to call my
dad, the Sheriff.

Dad, there's an asteroid
headed straight for Earth.

Yikes, I've got to
tell the president.

Mr. President, there
is an asteroid coming

right for Earth.

My God, I've got to--
wait, I have another call.

Hello, are you interested in
cutting your cable bill by 15%?

I am, but not now.

Now, I've got to warn the
public about this asteroid.

My fellow Americans,
we detected an asteroid

the size of the state of Hawaii
headed straight for Earth.

It's looting time.

But we have a plan,
please don't panic.

it is not looting time.

Oh OK, my bad.

I've called in the
world's top scientists

the world's top
demolition expert,

that small town Sheriff because
he's a main character and also

a cat.

Son, I'm not going to fail.

I'm going to save planet
Earth for the two of you.

No Dad, the three of us.

I'm pregnant apparently.

Houston, we are approaching the
asteroid, operation to blow up

the asteroid is a go.

All right, the bomb is set.

Let's go home boys.

Oh no, there's something
wrong with the remote.

Someone's going to have to
stay behind and sacrifice

themselves to set off the bomb.

Who's going to do that?

Fluffy, are you sure?

God bless you, Fluffy.

They did it!

They sort of did it.

The bomb only destroyed
part of the asteroid,

it's no longer the size
of the state of Hawaii.

Now, it's the size of
the island of Hawaii,

which is part of
the island chain

that makes up the
state of Hawaii.

We've got to get to
the underground bunkers,

especially now that you're
nine months pregnant.

But they're closing
in one minute.

We made it!

The asteroid's hitting.

Now, the
tsunami's hitting.

Now, the
giant cat is hitting.

So many people are dead.

Yes, but life goes on.

We survive for the future and
for you Jim and for you Mary

and for your son who's
already somehow fully grown.

I graduated college.

Everything's going to be fine.

Will counsel
please approach the bench?

Your honor what
is the problem?

I am about to nail this
guy's client to the wall.

Oh, please.

The way you
cross-examine, this jury

is going to find you guilty.
- Oh my God.

When you're my opponent,
the only thing I'm guilty of

is unfair competition.

Stop it.

The sexual tension
in this courtroom

is becoming unbearable.

What, her?

Why not just date a
mongoose, your honor?

It'd be more peaceful.

Yes, but the only thing
you'd be big enough to satisfy.

Will you stop with
the witty repartee

and get together already?

But I'm already engaged
to my musician boyfriend.

Babe, are you done yet?

Need a ride to band practice.

Get out of my courtroom.

Hey, whatever man.

Laws are just mini Hitler's.

Get out of my courtroom.

And I'm still haunted by
the ghost of my dead wife.

You have to let go.

But how?

I don't know, just
get me out of here.

I'm done.

I love you.

Oh come on, honey.

Who are you talking to?

No one.

You know, he's right.

Goddamn it, he's right.

Wait, what about my boyfriend?

He's fine.

Oh.

He's fine.

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

Next case.

You've watched
them love, fight,

and sacrifice for two seasons
on the explosive showtime

drama, Homeland.

But now the magical world
of Homeland Security

has found new life on Broadway,
it's Homeland The Musical.

I got the guy right
here, his name's Abu Nazir.

And if the bomb goes off,
we're all commandeered.

I got the guy right here.

His name's Abu Nazir and
if the bomb goes off,

we're all commandeered.

I got the guy right here.

His name's Abu Nazir and
if the bomb goes off,

we're all commandeered.

I got the guy right here.

His name's Abu Nazir and
if the bomb goes off,

we're all commandeered.

Kaboom.

Critics are calling
it OK and entertaining

if not mildly insensitive.

It's Homeland The Musical.

Well, his wife
may be smoking hot

but he's a fan of what I got,
B, R, O, D, Y. Why can't I

have Brody all to myself.

B, R, O, D, to myself.

From Kerry to
Brodie, Saul to Abu Nazir,

the gang's all here,
including pouty teenager Dana.

Won't you please
smile for me, Dana?

Absolutely not.

Turn that frown upside down.

Absolutely not.

I may be a decorated
jarhead, still you look

like you're eating a warhead.

Won't you smile for me, Dana?

Absolutely not.

What about me, Dad?

Who the are you?

I'm your son, Chris, remember?

Featuring the
unstoppable Mandy Patinkin,

originating the stage version
of his Emmy nominated turn

as Saul.

I may look like a rabbi,
but beware of my stink eye,

because you don't want
to get Saul Berenson mad.

When I speak, it's a whisper.

Don't get lost in my whiskers.

But you don't want to
get Saul Berenson mad.

No, you don't want to
get Saul Berenson mad.

Entertainment
Weekly gives it a C-plus.

Rosie O'Donnell tweeted, it
ain't so Seussical the Musical,

but it'll do.

Larry King fell asleep.

Playbill.com: said,
what's happening?

Even though you tried
to jail me for life,

you are always in my heart.

And even though you
said I was cuckoo berserk,

you are always in my heart.

It's star crossed lovers,
ships in the night.

We're both kind of nuts,
that's what makes it so right.

I'm alone in the woods.

But your secrets are good.

You are always in my heart.

Homeland
The Musical, now

and forever at the
Winter Garden Theater

or until the finale or whatever.

I was fulfilling my dream of
living by myself in New York

City, then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job
and my short husband

to come move to New York City
to teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're--
living in the city.

Shut up, shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

There's so many fun things
to do in New York City.

But my sister doesn't
do any of them,

she stays home all the time.

Hey, Bernice.

I'm going to a new
restaurant opening tonight.

It's called the
Fisherman's Pants,

it's got a bunch of like local
and interesting fish dishes.

Did you want to come with me?

No thanks.

I my own plans tonight
big plans, huge plans,

really fun plans.

I'm excited about them.

Oh, that's great!

It's good for you to get out.

What are you doing?

I'm going to the MoMA
museum of Modern Art

with the Prince, Prince Philip.

Wow, that's really exciting.

I'm glad you won't
feel left out.

I guess I can tell
you now that some

of the trainers from
The Biggest Loser

are expected to be
at this opening.

Did you want to come with me?

No, I'm booked.

I'm fully booked.

I'm totally getting
laid tonight too,

it's going to stink in
here when you get back.

Oh wow, that's
plenty of information.

Just be prepared
for how bad it's going

to stink when you get home.

You're going to have to
get new couch cushions,

get some Yankee candles.

I'm going to make sure the
stink gets in everything.

I'm going to flip the cushions,
get stinky, be in and out,

all around roundabouts.

Me and two princes, imagine.

Yeah, you probably wouldn't
want to come to this restaurant

opening anyway.

The dog from Downton Abbey
is going to be there.

Oh.

Do you want to come with me?

I guess I could brush off
the Princes just this once,

keeps them wanting more.

Hi, I'm Kaitlyn.

And I'm Katie.

And we're the Katydids!

And when we're not
on stage performing--

Are you going to
do that over again?

Yes, I do!

Hi, I'm Kaitlyn!

And I'm Katie.

And we're the Katydids!

With us today, we have
a very special guest.

We have comedian, actress--

And fellow just for laughs
performer, Michelle Buteau.

Hi, you guys are adorable.

You're adorable.

I want to breastfeed both
of you, you're just so cute.

You are on Best Week Ever.

I am!

And, OK, so I've watched your
bet that you do your panties on

or panties off bet.

Oh, yeah.

We thought maybe
like we'd play

our own version of that
today at our hotdog stand.

Oh, yes.

It's hot dog in, hot dog out.

So like if you want
the hot dog in--

Yeah.

It's like a good thing, right?

Like put it in.

We're going to feature some of
the Just For Laughs comedians.

So can you tell us
like why you would put

your hot dog in or out, right?

- Oh!
- OK.

It's going to be so mean.

- You can be honest, it's cool.
- Yeah.

- OK, no I'm going to do it.
- OK, so first of all--

OK--
- David Cross.

Oh, hot dog in.

Oh nice.

David Cross, all right.

What about-- just the
tip, just the tip.

Just the tip Cross.

Oh, that's a third
option, just the tip.

What about Bob Newhart?

Bob Newhart, I mean come
on who is not trying to lay

a wiener down for that one.

The fact that he still even
has feeling in his wiener--

let's put that wiener
between my buns!

Wiener between the buns!

Hot dog in--

But actually,
I think if I were

going to have it, of
course, with Bob Newhart,

I would say no condom.

I want to have his baby.

Good for you.

It's good to have
goals, absolutely.

But then in the end,
the kid was just a dream.

Oh, yeah.

It never actually happened.

Russell Brand,
hotdog in, hotdog out?

Hotdog out, no
Wiener for that Wiener.

No, exactly.

Yes, toss that,
because it's dirty.

It's a dirty,
wiener.

Yeah.

You do the spit, they
said from the waist down?

I do.

It's like your punch--

Everything is just nasty,
everything I say is just nasty.

Would you consider
yourself an expert on things

from the waist down?

Well, I wouldn't say I'm an
expert, like I'm no Dr. Oz.

But I do like to keep
it sassy and classy.

Could you diagnose?

Yeah, sure.

Like you?

I like what's
happening here, I like

the skinny pant with a jean.

Like what does
this say about me?

Is that like a gray
cheetah underwear?

It was Black, at one point.

Oh, no girl.

I'm going to call you're from
the waist down Octavia Spencer,

because it needs help.

Is that OK?
- Of course.

You are special,
you's important.

OK, sure.

I'm a public school teacher.

She teaches
public school, so--

You've been-- your underwear
is basically the time

Obama's been in office is
when your underwear has also

been working for the country.

It's time for change, girls.

It's true, it's true.

A change I can believe in.

Bring it in, bitch.

Bring it in.

Oh, yeah girl.

Oh.

I always wanted skinny
white girlfriends.

I'm going to put you in
front a club and get in faster.

OK, this is good.

So, what's so fun?

My name is Janessa Slater
and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

So you guys have kind
of a hipster vibe.

If I was walking
down the street,

let's say in Williamsburg, how
would I be able to distinguish

you from every other hobo?

You know us, like we're having
this conversation right now.

Conversation more
like intervention,

I do joke sometimes.

That's funny.

I do jokes.

You want to hear a joke?

I don't want to hear
your joke, thank you.

OK, so you guys have a hit song
and it's called We Are Young.

Young compared to
who, Minnie Driver?

I actually don't think that
Minnie Driver's that old.

Can we get an age
check on Minnie Driver?

OK, so Jack I read somewhere
that you're dating a girl.

Mm-hmm.

Does that mean you're not gay?

I date Lena who
makes the show girls.

You didn't write
the line about the guy

carrying you home?

No one did, there's no line
about carrying a guy home.

There's the line,
I'll carry you home.

What if they don't
want to be carried home?

Nobody's threatening
to carry anyone home.

It's a genderless offer.

A genderless gesture.

I'll carry you home if that
seems like it's something you'd

be comfortable with tonight.

We'll just give the Grammy
back while we're at it, OK?

Can you fit that in?

That's not a bad idea.

So you guys were all in
other bands before making Fun.

Can you tell me the names
of some of those bands?

I was in a band
called The Format.

Mine was Steel Train.

Mine was Anathallo.

What's she doing?

Looks like a bit where
she pretends to sleep.

Oh, I'm sorry it
was just so boring.

Were you pretending to sleep?

You asked us the
question, by the way.

Sometimes I fell
asleep to prove a point.

What's the point?

Let's talk about your
names for a second,

Andrew, Nate, and Jack.

Mm-hmm.

My preschool
called and they want

all their kids' names back.

You know what I mean?

No.

I mean like, yes but no.

I guess I'm wondering,
and this is my job,

if you guys have ever
thought about maybe

changing your individual
name, so they're

a little bit more mature.

Hey, Jack?

Yeah, sorry.

My name, for
example, is Janessa.

And that's like,
in your opinion--

Sophisticated.

It seems like you just changed
one letter of a real name.

I don't know why
you would think that.

OK guys, so I'm going to
read the lyrics to one

of your songs, Some Nights.

And then I'm going to give
you some feedback, OK?

So this is it, I sold
my soul for this,

washed my hands
of that for this,

I miss my mom and dad for this.

Guys, that's way too
many pronouns, OK?

I listen to that and I have no
idea what the you're

talking about, all right?

Also, Dr. Seuss
called and he wants

his most boring book back.

That's like your third
like so and so-called joke.

What were you saying Andrew?

I was saying that
we use some pronouns

to connect with people.

It's like a little
more universal

to use some ambiguous
pronouns sometimes.

Maybe I'll try that
on my distant father.

Hey, Dad us, then,
it, there, we.

That would be the opposite.

You're talking to one person so
you'd want to connect directly.

Andrew was saying
when you talk

to a lot of people
like an audience,

it's good to be broad.

So you might be missing--

Guys, all I want to
do is help you, OK?

But if you don't listen to me,
instead of being Fun period,

I worry that you
might be done period.

Done period.

You guys, that's-- Andrew?

It's your best of the day.

All right, yeah.

OK, a little bit.

Andrew, he's my guy.