Original subtitles

You the new dog walker?

Yes sir, John.

All right, let's go.

It's not called dog standing.

Good, this will work.

Now, I know everything there is to know about the dogs I walk.

This is Thad Paisley, I've been walking him for two weeks.

He loves long grains, he wears bandannas

around his neck in the winter.

In the summer, he wears sandals for dogs.

Any questions?

What kind of grains does he like?

Mostly barley.

My dog!

Oh my god, it's my Butter Nuts!

No, no, no, this isn't your dog.

This belongs to one of our clients.

Yeah, he loves grains and in the summer

he wears sandals for dogs.

Yes, I know.

How do you know that?

It's my dog.

I raised him since he was a little puppy,

he only helps to drop my anxiety.

I'm still shaking.

All right, everyone calm down.

This is what we're going to do, we'll call the client

and we'll find out what's going on.

You do it, John.

It can be part of training.

We're back together.

Oh my goodness.

Miss Rochelle?

Phone call for you, it's your dog walker.

Oh, thanks Amanda.

Oh and Amanda, well you can go ahead and clear out

your desk because you're fired.

Go.

This is Rochelle.

Hi, this is your dog walker.

I'm dog walking your dog right now

and there's a man here that says that it's his dog

and that it was kidnapped from him.

OK, I need you to listen to me very carefully.

Mm-hmm.

Run!

Run.

Um, Steve, can I talk to you for a moment?

Yeah.

She says to run.

Well, have to do what the client says, otherwise

it's illegal.

Let's run. Go.

Come on!

Let's go!

Stop them!

Stop them!

Oh my God, they got my dog!

Somebody-- Somebody stop them.

We have to do something!

No, we can't!

Our concern is walking Thad Paisley,

that's what we've got to do.

You want to dig around and help people, join an army.

You want to really save lives, walk a dog.

Now, what's it going to be John?

What's it going to be?

Hand me that leash.

So I guess this tooth is dead now?

Well, I guess if you love it, you got to let it go.

Yeah, I guess so--

Oh, where are you going?

Hi, I'm Stephen, I'm an accountant.

And I love man-made lakes.

What is happening?

So I guess my best asset is my sense of exploration.

Oh, what kind of wine is that?

Oh, it's a Pinot.

Oh, my thing.

Oh, I guess--

Oh.

I'm sorry, is there like a speed

dating thing happening here?

I didn't realize this was going on tonight.

Well, do you feel like a love connection?

I don't.

OK, your loss.

I'm nasty rich.

Nasty rich?

That's really, really rich.

Some say my best asset is exploring stuff.

What's that?

It's a Cabernet.

Oh, my fave.

May I?

Oh.

Hi. - Hi.

So what are some of your likes and dislikes?

I dislike that this is happening right now.

I'm not doing this dating thing.

No, I know it can be scary to get back in there.

No, no, no, no, you misunderstood.

I lost my best friend.

Aw, my ex was my best friend too.

Can you go?

Oh, I don't think the bell rang though.

Ding.

Oh, well you're loss, I'm a professional Chef.

Oh no, I like when people cook for me.

Well, I guess my best asset is what's that.

Oh, it's a--

Oh, yes, it's mine.

No, no, no, how do I make it so people

stop coming to this table?

I don't want to do this.

Do I need to put a sign up or something?

Well, I'm hoping that's a sign that you're interested in me?

I'm not.

Your loss, I have a huge penis.

And I usually stop calling after a few weeks.

Oh no, oh you could be the one.

My best asset is-- oh--

please, give it to me.

Come on, give it.

Give it.

DVDs?

No, wait what do you have?

Ghost Dad, Ghost Ship--

A lot of ghost ones.

Ghosts.

Bring me wine and then he rubs my belly and tells me it's OK.

And then he comes to sing--

Oh, there you are.

You're my best asset.

Oh, you're my best ass.

Oh no.

I'm too drunk.

You're too drunk?

I'm too drunk.

Well, maybe you shouldn't drink so much.

Hey, who are you, my mom?

Oh, Jimmy, this is such a wonderful date

we're so young and in love and we

have so much life ahead of us.

We sure do, Mary.

Look at the stars.

There's the Big Dipper, and the Little Dipper and an asteroid

headed straight for Earth.

Wait, what?

Quick, there's a telescope back at school.

Here it is.

I've got to call my dad, the Sheriff.

Dad, there's an asteroid headed straight for Earth.

Yikes, I've got to tell the president.

Mr. President, there is an asteroid coming

right for Earth.

My God, I've got to-- wait, I have another call.

Hello, are you interested in cutting your cable bill by 15%?

I am, but not now.

Now, I've got to warn the public about this asteroid.

My fellow Americans, we detected an asteroid

the size of the state of Hawaii headed straight for Earth.

It's looting time.

But we have a plan, please don't panic.

it is not looting time.

Oh OK, my bad.

I've called in the world's top scientists

the world's top demolition expert,

that small town Sheriff because he's a main character and also

a cat.

Son, I'm not going to fail.

I'm going to save planet Earth for the two of you.

No Dad, the three of us.

I'm pregnant apparently.

Houston, we are approaching the asteroid, operation to blow up

the asteroid is a go.

All right, the bomb is set.

Let's go home boys.

Oh no, there's something wrong with the remote.

Someone's going to have to stay behind and sacrifice

themselves to set off the bomb.

Who's going to do that?

Fluffy, are you sure?

God bless you, Fluffy.

They did it!

They sort of did it.

The bomb only destroyed part of the asteroid,

it's no longer the size of the state of Hawaii.

Now, it's the size of the island of Hawaii,

which is part of the island chain

that makes up the state of Hawaii.

We've got to get to the underground bunkers,

especially now that you're nine months pregnant.

But they're closing in one minute.

We made it!

The asteroid's hitting.

Now, the tsunami's hitting.

Now, the giant cat is hitting.

So many people are dead.

Yes, but life goes on.

We survive for the future and for you Jim and for you Mary

and for your son who's already somehow fully grown.

I graduated college.

Everything's going to be fine.

Will counsel please approach the bench?

Your honor what is the problem?

I am about to nail this guy's client to the wall.

Oh, please.

The way you cross-examine, this jury

is going to find you guilty. - Oh my God.

When you're my opponent, the only thing I'm guilty of

is unfair competition.

Stop it.

The sexual tension in this courtroom

is becoming unbearable.

What, her?

Why not just date a mongoose, your honor?

It'd be more peaceful.

Yes, but the only thing you'd be big enough to satisfy.

Will you stop with the witty repartee

and get together already?

But I'm already engaged to my musician boyfriend.

Babe, are you done yet?

Need a ride to band practice.

Get out of my courtroom.

Hey, whatever man.

Laws are just mini Hitler's.

Get out of my courtroom.

And I'm still haunted by the ghost of my dead wife.

You have to let go.

But how?

I don't know, just get me out of here.

I'm done.

I love you.

Oh come on, honey.

Who are you talking to?

No one.

You know, he's right.

Goddamn it, he's right.

Wait, what about my boyfriend?

He's fine.

Oh.

He's fine.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Next case.

You've watched them love, fight,

and sacrifice for two seasons on the explosive showtime

drama, Homeland.

But now the magical world of Homeland Security

has found new life on Broadway, it's Homeland The Musical.

I got the guy right here, his name's Abu Nazir.

And if the bomb goes off, we're all commandeered.

I got the guy right here.

His name's Abu Nazir and if the bomb goes off,

we're all commandeered.

I got the guy right here.

His name's Abu Nazir and if the bomb goes off,

we're all commandeered.

I got the guy right here.

His name's Abu Nazir and if the bomb goes off,

we're all commandeered.

Kaboom.

Critics are calling it OK and entertaining

if not mildly insensitive.

It's Homeland The Musical.

Well, his wife may be smoking hot

but he's a fan of what I got, B, R, O, D, Y. Why can't I

have Brody all to myself.

B, R, O, D, to myself.

From Kerry to Brodie, Saul to Abu Nazir,

the gang's all here, including pouty teenager Dana.

Won't you please smile for me, Dana?

Absolutely not.

Turn that frown upside down.

Absolutely not.

I may be a decorated jarhead, still you look

like you're eating a warhead.

Won't you smile for me, Dana?

Absolutely not.

What about me, Dad?

Who the are you?

I'm your son, Chris, remember?

Featuring the unstoppable Mandy Patinkin,

originating the stage version of his Emmy nominated turn

as Saul.

I may look like a rabbi, but beware of my stink eye,

because you don't want to get Saul Berenson mad.

When I speak, it's a whisper.

Don't get lost in my whiskers.

But you don't want to get Saul Berenson mad.

No, you don't want to get Saul Berenson mad.

Entertainment Weekly gives it a C-plus.

Rosie O'Donnell tweeted, it ain't so Seussical the Musical,

but it'll do.

Larry King fell asleep.

Playbill.com: said, what's happening?

Even though you tried to jail me for life,

you are always in my heart.

And even though you said I was cuckoo berserk,

you are always in my heart.

It's star crossed lovers, ships in the night.

We're both kind of nuts, that's what makes it so right.

I'm alone in the woods.

But your secrets are good.

You are always in my heart.

Homeland The Musical, now

and forever at the Winter Garden Theater

or until the finale or whatever.

I was fulfilling my dream of living by myself in New York

City, then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job and my short husband

to come move to New York City to teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're-- living in the city.

Shut up, shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

There's so many fun things to do in New York City.

But my sister doesn't do any of them,

she stays home all the time.

Hey, Bernice.

I'm going to a new restaurant opening tonight.

It's called the Fisherman's Pants,

it's got a bunch of like local and interesting fish dishes.

Did you want to come with me?

No thanks.

I my own plans tonight big plans, huge plans,

really fun plans.

I'm excited about them.

Oh, that's great!

It's good for you to get out.

What are you doing?

I'm going to the MoMA museum of Modern Art

with the Prince, Prince Philip.

Wow, that's really exciting.

I'm glad you won't feel left out.

I guess I can tell you now that some

of the trainers from The Biggest Loser

are expected to be at this opening.

Did you want to come with me?

No, I'm booked.

I'm fully booked.

I'm totally getting laid tonight too,

it's going to stink in here when you get back.

Oh wow, that's plenty of information.

Just be prepared for how bad it's going

to stink when you get home.

You're going to have to get new couch cushions,

get some Yankee candles.

I'm going to make sure the stink gets in everything.

I'm going to flip the cushions, get stinky, be in and out,

all around roundabouts.

Me and two princes, imagine.

Yeah, you probably wouldn't want to come to this restaurant

opening anyway.

The dog from Downton Abbey is going to be there.

Oh.

Do you want to come with me?

I guess I could brush off the Princes just this once,

keeps them wanting more.

Hi, I'm Kaitlyn.

And I'm Katie.

And we're the Katydids!

And when we're not on stage performing--

Are you going to do that over again?

Yes, I do!

Hi, I'm Kaitlyn!

And I'm Katie.

And we're the Katydids!

With us today, we have a very special guest.

We have comedian, actress--

And fellow just for laughs performer, Michelle Buteau.

Hi, you guys are adorable.

You're adorable.

I want to breastfeed both of you, you're just so cute.

You are on Best Week Ever.

I am!

And, OK, so I've watched your bet that you do your panties on

or panties off bet.

Oh, yeah.

We thought maybe like we'd play

our own version of that today at our hotdog stand.

Oh, yes.

It's hot dog in, hot dog out.

So like if you want the hot dog in--

Yeah.

It's like a good thing, right?

Like put it in.

We're going to feature some of the Just For Laughs comedians.

So can you tell us like why you would put

your hot dog in or out, right?

- Oh! - OK.

It's going to be so mean.

- You can be honest, it's cool. - Yeah.

- OK, no I'm going to do it. - OK, so first of all--

OK-- - David Cross.

Oh, hot dog in.

Oh nice.

David Cross, all right.

What about-- just the tip, just the tip.

Just the tip Cross.

Oh, that's a third option, just the tip.

What about Bob Newhart?

Bob Newhart, I mean come on who is not trying to lay

a wiener down for that one.

The fact that he still even has feeling in his wiener--

let's put that wiener between my buns!

Wiener between the buns!

Hot dog in--

But actually, I think if I were

going to have it, of course, with Bob Newhart,

I would say no condom.

I want to have his baby.

Good for you.

It's good to have goals, absolutely.

But then in the end, the kid was just a dream.

Oh, yeah.

It never actually happened.

Russell Brand, hotdog in, hotdog out?

Hotdog out, no Wiener for that Wiener.

No, exactly.

Yes, toss that, because it's dirty.

It's a dirty, wiener.

Yeah.

You do the spit, they said from the waist down?

I do.

It's like your punch--

Everything is just nasty, everything I say is just nasty.

Would you consider yourself an expert on things

from the waist down?

Well, I wouldn't say I'm an expert, like I'm no Dr. Oz.

But I do like to keep it sassy and classy.

Could you diagnose?

Yeah, sure.

Like you?

I like what's happening here, I like

the skinny pant with a jean.

Like what does this say about me?

Is that like a gray cheetah underwear?

It was Black, at one point.

Oh, no girl.

I'm going to call you're from the waist down Octavia Spencer,

because it needs help.

Is that OK? - Of course.

You are special, you's important.

OK, sure.

I'm a public school teacher.

She teaches public school, so--

You've been-- your underwear is basically the time

Obama's been in office is when your underwear has also

been working for the country.

It's time for change, girls.

It's true, it's true.

A change I can believe in.

Bring it in, bitch.

Bring it in.

Oh, yeah girl.

Oh.

I always wanted skinny white girlfriends.

I'm going to put you in front a club and get in faster.

OK, this is good.

So, what's so fun?

My name is Janessa Slater and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

So you guys have kind of a hipster vibe.

If I was walking down the street,

let's say in Williamsburg, how would I be able to distinguish

you from every other hobo?

You know us, like we're having this conversation right now.

Conversation more like intervention,

I do joke sometimes.

That's funny.

I do jokes.

You want to hear a joke?

I don't want to hear your joke, thank you.

OK, so you guys have a hit song and it's called We Are Young.

Young compared to who, Minnie Driver?

I actually don't think that Minnie Driver's that old.

Can we get an age check on Minnie Driver?

OK, so Jack I read somewhere that you're dating a girl.

Mm-hmm.

Does that mean you're not gay?

I date Lena who makes the show girls.

You didn't write the line about the guy

carrying you home?

No one did, there's no line about carrying a guy home.

There's the line, I'll carry you home.

What if they don't want to be carried home?

Nobody's threatening to carry anyone home.

It's a genderless offer.

A genderless gesture.

I'll carry you home if that seems like it's something you'd

be comfortable with tonight.

We'll just give the Grammy back while we're at it, OK?

Can you fit that in?

That's not a bad idea.

So you guys were all in other bands before making Fun.

Can you tell me the names of some of those bands?

I was in a band called The Format.

Mine was Steel Train.

Mine was Anathallo.

What's she doing?

Looks like a bit where she pretends to sleep.

Oh, I'm sorry it was just so boring.

Were you pretending to sleep?

You asked us the question, by the way.

Sometimes I fell asleep to prove a point.

What's the point?

Let's talk about your names for a second,

Andrew, Nate, and Jack.

Mm-hmm.

My preschool called and they want

all their kids' names back.

You know what I mean?

No.

I mean like, yes but no.

I guess I'm wondering, and this is my job,

if you guys have ever thought about maybe

changing your individual name, so they're

a little bit more mature.

Hey, Jack?

Yeah, sorry.

My name, for example, is Janessa.

And that's like, in your opinion--

Sophisticated.

It seems like you just changed one letter of a real name.

I don't know why you would think that.

OK guys, so I'm going to read the lyrics to one

of your songs, Some Nights.

And then I'm going to give you some feedback, OK?

So this is it, I sold my soul for this,

washed my hands of that for this,

I miss my mom and dad for this.

Guys, that's way too many pronouns, OK?

I listen to that and I have no idea what the you're

talking about, all right?

Also, Dr. Seuss called and he wants

his most boring book back.

That's like your third like so and so-called joke.

What were you saying Andrew?

I was saying that we use some pronouns

to connect with people.

It's like a little more universal

to use some ambiguous pronouns sometimes.

Maybe I'll try that on my distant father.

Hey, Dad us, then, it, there, we.

That would be the opposite.

You're talking to one person so you'd want to connect directly.

Andrew was saying when you talk

to a lot of people like an audience,

it's good to be broad.

So you might be missing--

Guys, all I want to do is help you, OK?

But if you don't listen to me, instead of being Fun period,

I worry that you might be done period.

Done period.

You guys, that's-- Andrew?

It's your best of the day.

All right, yeah.

OK, a little bit.

Andrew, he's my guy.