All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E12.Tim.Heidecker.also.drinks.water.Aparna.Nancherlas.New.York.moment.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

What do
we as women really

think about our appearance?

The answers might surprise you.

These three women are
about to take part

in Dove True Beauty experiment.

And they have no idea.

How do you feel
about your appearance?

Good.

Pretty good.

There's definitely
room for improvement.

Um, I feel OK about it.

You know, I have
good days, bad days.

Yeah, that bad?

OK.

Um--

Oh, I have a phone call
and I have to take this,

but I'll be right back.

Uh, there's a mirror
just right there.

OK.

The women think that
this is part of the interview

because we told them that it is.

Oh!

My god!

My god!

What the !

Wow, you must
hate what you see

when you look in the mirror.

What?

Is that supposed to be me?

Because I would never
believe that was me.

That's not a mirror.

It's not a mirror.

You look in the mirror.

And what you see is a
disgusting zoo animal.

I don't think that I
look like a zoo animal.

But is that the real you?

No!

Look at yourself
in the mirror.

Do you feel unattractive?

I bet you do.

No, I don't.

That's a man in a gorilla suit.

An--

animal in the room!

I want to leave, please.

I don't want the $25.

I'd like to go.

Is this the door?

Is this a panel?

Again, the women have no idea.

What would you say if I
told you that that was

not your face in the mirror?

That was a gorilla man in
the mirror and not your face.

I'd say, yeah.

You thought that was you
and you totally fell for it.

No.

No, I-- no.

What is wrong with everyone?

What is wrong with
everyone here?

I never thought that was
me in the mirror, not once.

Well, you can-- you
can thank Dove, OK?

Just thank-- thank
dove #truebeauty.

No.

Thank

No.

We showed you using science.

No!

Uh--

Dove.

You fell for our weird
psychology experiment.

And it showed you you're not
actually a hideous monster,

so where's our Nobel
Peace Prize or whatever?

Ba, da, da,
da, 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this is 7
Minutes in Heaven.

I'm Mike O'Brien.

I'm here with Elijah Wood.
Welcome.

Thank you.

Thanks for joining me.

It's my pleasure.

The new show "Wilfred"--

Yes.

is about you and a dog.

Was that costume getting pretty
fresh by the end of the day?

He-- you know what?

I actually never smelled it.

I knew the, um, the guy who
plays the bear for the Chicago

Bears, Staley the Bear.

Uh-huh.

And there's this whole, like,
mascot subculture that, like,

he'd slept with all the female
mascots from around the league

or whatever.
- No!

And they all hook up and
so, yeah, it's pretty great.

We talked about that
a lot making the show.

Oh, I bet.

That the show might
actually appeal to furries.

Because I always thought that
furries were specifically,

like, a sexual sect.

That that was their thing.

But it's not entirely
sexual for them.

It's also just about
like costume play

and being in the costume.

Oh, really?

Do they cut a hole in it?

Did this come up?

I've heard that.

I've heard that.

What would you
say is your kink

if you had to join some club?

Do you like feet?

Or you get tied up, I assume.

It's not really a kink,
but I'm a breast man.

Yeah.

That would--

That's super rare or obscure.

No, there's nothing really
surprising about that.

It's a classic, though.

It's just like I like Coke.

I like Budweiser.

Yeah, it's classic.

I'm always surprised how
many are not boob dudes.

Yeah, I'm not really.

No.

And it doesn't
really matter, right?

You're an ass guy or a leg guy.

I like-- I like
butts and legs.

I like stomachs a little bit.

A little bit of a
paunch I don't mind too.

I love it.

You got to-- you
got to love that.

Nice and soft.

- Is Frodo here today?
- Fall asleep on it.

What?

So Frodo--

Yeah.

you're going to do him
again in "The Hobbit," right?

Mm-hmm.

We got the screenplay.

And we have some lines
that are a little bit

of a spoiler, so spoiler alert.

But, um, if you can,
uh, read some of these.

As Frodo?

Um, yeah.

I found this ring that
makes you invisible.

Cripes, what a day!

Right, he's so surprised.

Yeah.

Everyone shut the up.

There's hobbits in that tree.

On the count of three, let's
blast them to hobbit hell!

And that's a--

yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So that's going to be
a super exciting scene.

That is.
Um, what does that?

Whelp?
- Yeah.

Whelp.

Whelp.

Bilbo's dead.

And the rebels
have been defeated.

This is the end of the
movie, "The Hobbit," OK?

So a huge spoiler.

That's the ending.

Oh, god, that's
the end of the film.

This is called Closet Theater.

Here's the premise
we're going to play

out for a couple of seconds.

OK.

Two guys find themselves
both hiding in a closet.

They're father and son.

And I'll be father
and you can be son.

They're both hiding from
their wives or girlfriend,

who want them to go shopping
into, like, a clothing store.

And we want to go
shopping at Home Depot.

It's-- also, it's a
commercial for Home Depot.

Ssh.

Ssh.

Look, dad, if we just stay in
here for another 15 minutes,

they'll leave.

Yeah.

Because they can't-- they
don't know we're in here.

No, then they'll go--

Then they'll go--

-clothing shopping.

And we can go to Home Depot.

Yeah.

I love Home Depot.

Yeah, it's really great.

It's great.

Um, how often does
your agent bring

up your eyes on a daily basis.

Like, you're down
about something

and he's like, come on,
your eyes are killing it.

No, don't get down.

Your eyes rule.

Your eyes are popping.

They're blowing up.

Looking great.

Um, well, I've had
a really good time.

So have I.

And, um, it is 7
Minutes in Heaven.

Yeah.

So--

I felt like that
was super smooth.

It was.

That was so smooth.

That didn't really
ease me into it at all.

No.
No.

I've never been easing
anyone into a kiss.

No--

But if you had big boobs--

one has ever been
happy or comfortable.

- I would have been in.
- I know.

Mine-- mine are tiny.

They're tiny little boobies.

I just spent seven minutes
in heaven with Elijah Wood.

Thank you.
- Thank you.

It was awesome.

Oh, yeah!

This Halloween, we'll show
you how to carve a human face

so it looks like a pumpkin.

Makeovers for serial killers?

Stick around to find out why.

We're here at the
Landline movieplex

for the premiere
of "Sex Vampires 2,

the Return of Blood ."

This film marks
the first-ever time

that has been used in
the title of a G-rated movie.

And I like how they
eat salmon and pull

that stuff out of the river.

Yeah.

I just don't see why
bears have to sleep so much.

Guys, down here.

- Goddamn--
- Oh, jeez!

it!

Come on.

Excuse us, sorry.

I'm right down here, guys.

Excuse us.

Just follow my voice.

We-- we know where you are.
Excuse us.

- It's me, Rocco.
- We hear you.

Pardon us, excuse me.
Sorry.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Hey, great seats, huh?

Yes, they're good.

They're good seats.

Shut up.

Let's watch this mother-
-- in' movie.

Jesus, it's a G-rated movie!

In Frankenstein news.

Fire still bad.

And up next, we'll talk to
a local pediatrician whose

real name is Dead Santa Claus.

Oh, Bloodcock, woo!

Oh, this is just great.

Oscar, don't start anything.

We got a couple of
dinosaurs in the front row.

Ugh, just ignore him.

Better turn off my cell phone.

Don't want any dinosaurs
listening in on my phone calls.

Is that a thing
we're known for?

You're supposed to turn your
phone off anyway in the movies.

Oh, better put away
this can of whiskey,

wouldn't want any
dinosaurs to tattle on me.

Pretty sure whiskey
doesn't come in a can.

Certainly not good whiskey.

Hey, everybody!

No loud talking
during this movie.

Dinosaurs are in here.

Well, I do hate loud
talking, that's true.

I want him to be
better at being racist.

Still no ID for
body found in river.

If you know of anyone
who meets the description

of bloated and full of water,
please contact local police.

A new type of dinner
that eats you!

Yeah, I mean, I hear
what you're saying,

but I don't think it was
supposed to make sense.

Why would it not make sense?

Oh, great.

It's those dinosaurs.

Now, Husker, stop it.

Guess I better
buckle up my seat belt

so I don't get
flung from the car

when I hit that tree
in the middle of--

I actually thought
Bloodcock was

a pretty sympathetic character.

Oh, totally.

Yeah, I related to him
all over the place.

Yeah, you know, I saw
a lot of you in him.

OK, so let's watch this
Alexander Hamilton documentary.

Not a documentary.

It is a very popular
Broadway musical.

It's called "Hamilton."

It's so good.

You've been
invited to the next

performance by the show's
composer Lin-Manuel Miranda.

- Manuel.
- Mm-hmm.

So he's a--

Puerto Rican-American.

Right, that's the word.

Uh, not that
we're hispandering,

but if we were, 60% of
Latino voters are Democrats.

Yeah.

60%?

Yeah.

Yay, right.

Yep,

Let's tweet this.

Let me tweet that immediately.

OK, so we have, uh,
the soundtrack here

for you to listen to,
so you can acquaint

yourself with the songs.

So here you go.

If you can just put those on.
Oh.

- She's going in breach.
- OK.

Just put them over your head.

Great.

It's just headphones.

Someone's got to push--

push these down because I--

Here we go.

She's grooving.

She's bopping.

This is a
great campaign back story.

We should start telling people
I'm an immigrant orphan.

We absolutely can't.

People know
she's not a orphan.

- Yeah.
- Ugh, I wish we could though.

Studies show that 96% of
orphans vote for other orphans.

How can that even
be true, Glenn?

Who did that orphan study?

The orphan lobby,
I think it was.

What?

Are they lobbying
for more orphans?

Rights of orph--
orphan rights.

You know,
we should get someone

to write a musical about me.

You know,
Hillary Clinton.

You know, my name
is Hillary Clinton.

Something like that.
- OK, yeah.

We're going to look into that.

Hillary [rapping badly]...

Hillary
And then we'll

have someone write the raps.

I'll
send some emails.

Good.

Who do we email about
writing the words in later?

- Duncan Sheik?
- Oh!

- He'd be good.
- He's very--

Maybe,
you know, [SINGING

LOUDLY] Hillary, Hillary, and
Hillary, the Hillary sisters.

Squirt!

- Did she say squirt?
- It's not squirt, is it?

Is that what she's hearing?

The words are workman.

Squirt.

I'm saying what you're saying.

No, work.

They're
looking for a little squirt,

squirt.
- Work, work.

Right,
they say it twice.

Squirt, squirt.

Double squirt.

How is she still
getting it wrong?

- OK.
- What did you think?

- It's good.
- What did you think?

Well, it's pretty good.

It's no Nixon in China.

- Fun show, just by the title.
- Yeah.

So, ma'am, we should
probably head over

to the Richard Rodgers Theater.

We have balcony seats, ah!

I'm not sitting
in the balcony.

That's where
presidents get shot.

Well, you're not
actually president--

yet.

You know what?

Honestly, the balcony is great.

Uh, tickets anywhere are going
for a minimum $1,000 each.

$1,000.

Oh, my god.

To most people,
that's a lot of money.

Maybe I'll have
to do 90 seconds

of a Goldman Sachs speech.

I was singing, still.

Were you under the assumption
that we're equal human beings?

You eat nuts for lunch.

You eat mashed-up
nuts for lunch,

like some kind of a baby bird.

I eat nuts for lunch like
some kind of baby bird.

We've all been there.

You see a problem in society,
post your thoughts on Facebook,

and the problem
instantly goes away.

But did you ever wonder how your
status update fixes the world?

Today, on Big Thick Ideas,
social media activism,

the process by which
sharing political commentary

with your friends creates
real, lasting change.

It's a multi-step process.

First, you post an
opinion, tweet a hashtag,

or share an article.

Can you feel it?

The changing of the
world has already begun.

Next, your post is
liked and shared

among the same 10 acquaintances
who already agree with you.

This generates a special
heat that triggers an alarm

in the president's bedroom.

The president calls a
meeting with the Joint

Chiefs, the Supreme Court,
Warren Buffett, and PEM-TEDs.

PEM what?

Don't worry, dudes,
I'll explain.

PEM-TEDs are politicians
elected in midterm elections

that you didn't vote in.

These leaders are important.

And they care about
what you think.

The PEM-TEDs work with
everyone to create

the perfect, no-drawback
solution to the problem

you posted about.

What about lobbyists
and filibusters?

Just change your avatar.

This makes political
foes have to go pee-pee.

Goodbye obstruction
and hello change.

To seal the deal, ask
your friends to sign

a non-binding, online petition.

And boom!

Congratulations, dude.

Your social media activism
is joining a long line

of past success stories, like
ending racism, eliminating

mass shootings, and getting the
Mindy Project back on the air.

Next time on Big Thick
Ideas, the science of lust.

I like that.

Why are we
unattracted to women

who won't wear silk nightgowns
like my ex-girlfriend did?

We need some
snacks in this car.

I got one.

What do you got?

I think we got it back--
You want some of these.

You want some of this.

Let me see what this is.

Kind Bars?

Here they come,
guys, here they come.

OK, here they come.

Hi, Alec.

Mr. Baldwin.

How are you?

- What a pleasure to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- You are a fine citizen.
- Am I?

You should run for mayor.

Funny you should say that.

This is Greg.
- Hi, Greg.

Who is our driver.

He'll chime in every now
and then, but not that much

because he's a complete disaster
in personal relationships.

A confirmed bachelor for
the rest of his life.

Breaks his mother's heart.

Sometimes it's
better that way.

How did they meet?

How did they meet?

How did you meet?

We've known each other for
some 38 or 39 years as friends.

For a very, very,
very long time.

Mm.

Eventually, her slate
cleared and my slate cleared,

we were already in our 50s.

Before your slates
cleared, did you have kind

of a feeling for each other?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, you did?

I always thought she
was just beautiful.

Aw!

He was a musician, a
really damn good one.

Did you perform for her?
Did you sing her a love song?

- Yeah!
- I wrote songs for her.

Did all that
wonderful silly stuff.

What would you like to see
change or get better in this?

You did say he's
not-- he doesn't

have the neat thing down.

I internalize it as a lack
of consideration for me.

That he doesn't care
that I'm the one

picking up after
him when he spills

chocolate syrup on the counter.

So he spills chocolate
syrup on the counter.

Guilty as charged.

What is it that he
would like changed?

When she retreats into media,
the bubble goes around her.

Oh, common problem.

I have this
illusion in my mind

that if the apartment burst into
flames and I came into the room

and she had the headphones
on and I said, Josie,

we have to go.

She would burn to death
watching Rachel Maddow.

Hold on.
Switch.

Oh!

OK, switch, OK.

What's going on?

We insulted him.

No, no, no, no.

Hi!

Hi!

I was in the other car.

I'm here to continue.

What advice does she have
for her daughter about love?

That's a good question.

- Oh, that's a great--
- Oh, my gosh.

question.

You got to feel like the
guy really treasures you.

You got to feel like
the guy really treas--

and you feel like that.
- Yeah.

Basically, right?

What advice would
you give to Olivia?

First off, she's
young and she should

be ready to make mistakes.

Don't take it too
seriously in the beginning.

That's true.
She's 23.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

Look at each other
and hold hands

and you're going to say
three things that you love.

Tell him to sing the three
things he likes about her.

I love the fact
that you fight for everything.

And you won't let
them bring you down.

I love the fact that
you're passionate,

and you get all around town.

He's even rhyming it.

I love the
fact that you forgive me.

Aw!

Even when
I don't deserve it.

Aw!

When I wipe
the Bosco off the counter.

-the
Bosco off the counter,

well before you serve it.

I love the fact that you're
going to change the world,

even if the world won't change.

I love the fact that
you care so much

and you're willing to let
go if it's not happening.

That was very sweet.

Would it upset you to
know that actually Waylon

Jennings wrote that song?

We're done, baby, thank you.

Hi, I'm Dawn.
And I'm Jim.

And this is
the commentary track for being

in love with a friend.
Cheers.

Cheers.

So me
and Dawn have been working

together for five years.

And
we've always been secretly

attracted to each other.

But we've also
been in other relationships,

so we've never hooked up.

Although,
a lot of people think that

we're dating.
That's true.

And I love it when
they think that.

Oh, me too.

Look at that guy.

Man, this
guy really loved his soda.

What was his deal?

You know it!

Wait,
hold on, hold on,

you're so cute right here.

Maybe if I just
open it a little bit,

I'll get that sweet
fructosey treat.

I need my sweet fructose
to warm my belly for the winter.

Mm.

Oh.

Oh, no!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my
god, I love your laugh.

Sometimes,
I over laugh at the office

just so you'll come over
to my desk and hang out.

I wouldn't
mind bending you over that desk.

Oh, in my dreams.

Our dreams.

Uh, where's Christie?

Uh--

I
definitely just asked

about your girlfriend because
I was picturing us together

and I felt guilty.

Just think how guilty

I feel when I'm having sex with
her and pretending it's you.

Jim, I do that too.

Really?

Yes!

Suck it, Roger.

How's Roger?

Good.

Oh.
- Sideline.

And I, like, went
back like this.

And as I'm up there,
boom, I'm on the floor.

We actually just booked a
trip to Chicago next weekend.

Roger.

Hey, Chicago's great.

It's a perfect place
for a Pescatarian

with a gluten allergy.

And did they make
salmon kielbasa?

Uh, I guess I'll just
stick with a no-dish pizza.

Oh, my god,
that was so quick and sexy.

I just want to spit
down your throat.

I don't even know what that
means, I just want to do it.

When
you smirk like that,

it makes me want to sit
on your face till you die,

in a good way.
Oh, I get it.

More beer?

Oh, yes, please.

Oh, wow, this feeling.

I could tell we both
want to kiss each other,

but neither of us is willing
to make that first move.

There
is an ancient Yagan

word for that feeling, it's
called

That's beautifully depressing.

God, you're so hot.

I want to eat your

Oh, well, make sure

you tuck your napkin
into your shirt

because it's coming your way.

Oh, mommy, feed me.

I hope you're
ready to tip your server.

I'm ready to
stick that tip in a little bit

more inside my server.

Oh,
that's more than 20%!

Oh, that's--
30%!

50%!

Oh, my god,
you're such a big tipper!

Oh,
I'm a huge tipper.

Well, I'm going to go.

Cool.

I'll talk to you later.

Yep.

Oh, yeah,
I got side lip there.

I'm going

to use that in my spank bank.

Hey.

Yeah?

Have you ever, um,
you know, at work?

Every what?

You know.

No!

What?

No!

Me neither.

It's crazy.

Have you ever thought about it?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

You jerked off in
here, didn't you?

Yeah, while you were on break.

You want to take another break?

No.

Oh, hi, sorry, um, just here
to change the toilet paper.

What?

Oh, that still doesn't
have any toilet paper in it.

You ever use
one of these things?

A toilet?

No, idiot, a pregnancy test.

Uh, no, I never have.

Um--

you know what?

I'm going to finish up
here real quickly, so--

Wait.

I think I'm supposed
to pee on this.

Uh, yeah.

I think so.

I'm just going to
close the door.

Wow, you're
peeing already, OK.

Guys have it so easy.

You can aim.

Right.

Ours just like
comes out everywhere.

It's like a like--

Like a sprinkler.

It's like an elephant trunk.

Wow, OK, that's an image.

It comes out like
it's like sh, aw.

Like, psh, ta, ch,
ch, ga, ga, ch, ga.

That's really gross.

All right, I
think that's enough.

Do you think that's enough?
- Peeing?

Probably.

And now we wait.

I don't have to.

You probably want this
moment to yourself.

So--

I really don't want
to be alone right now.

This is, like, huge.

This is my life.

Ugh.

Don't put
it near your face.

It doesn't smell good.

OK, I'm here if you need me.

Thank you.

So, uh, do you
have a husband or--

No.

Oh, a-- a boyfriend.

No.

You know, I'm getting
too personal, I'm sorry.

No, I met a guy here
at the club tonight.

And then we went and had
sex in the men's bathroom.

Wait, you had sex tonight?

Yeah.
Jealous?

How long ago?

I don't know,
like 10 minutes ago.

Wow.

He put his dick in--

Yip, I got that.

It's just, that's not
how pregnancy works.

It doesn't happen that fast.

OK, doctor bathroom.

Oh, my god!

What?

I can't believe it.

What is it?

I'm not pregnant, see?

I'm not pregnant.

Are you serious?

I am so happy
I'm not preggers.

You can still be pregnant.

You took the test way too soon.

Phew.

So am I going to
be a dad or what?

Not yet, whatever
your name is.

Phil.

You want to try again?

No.

I'm going to college.

Just the Tip

OK.

I'm not high-fiving you.