Original subtitles

Tim Heidecker.

Oh.

Hey, Rob King, your biggest fan.

- Hey. - I heard you were here.

I just wanted to come say hello.

- OK, hello. - Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you as well.

Um, I also--

I prepared some questions for you.

Um.

For--

Yeah, I kind of had them in my head.

I knew you were here, and I just figured--

I mean-- - OK.

Yeah, uh-- yeah. OK.

So--

Are we--

Decker.

Yeah.

How much-- how much Decker is based

on your personal experiences?

What?

Uh, Decker.

Yeah.

Your show.

How much of Decker is based on your personal experiences?

Probably none.

Yeah, very creative.

Decker, your show, has a lot of classified files.

What kind of-- what kind of-- that's fine.

It's fine.

I know it's fine. It's not a big deal.

They should fix this thing.

It's not something I worry about.

I'm sorry.

Do you-- do you ever need other Deckers on your show,

like, people that maybe aren't on the radar, you know?

I don't know what you mean.

Like, people you just met that are super enthusiastic

and know a lot about the show and, like,

might be awesome at the show if they were just given

a chance to be on the show.

I mean me. I mean me.

I don't know. OK, well, no.

Then no.

Oh.

Between your anti-Trump song--

songs, and your TV show Decker, do you ever get

tired of putting America first?

No.

Is it fair to say that you're the Woody Guthrie

or Joan Baez of our generation?

Yes.

Yeah, that's why I put a yes there.

Do you want to do a--

Do you want me to fill up your water?

No, I can do it.

Yeah, I'm just going to wait till you're done.

Water, huh?

I mean, we all have it.

Uh-- um.

Yup, you got it.

Got a little bit.

Uh, is this a sketch?

Yes.

One of my best.

Ever since I moved to New York,

people are always asking me if I've

ever had a New York moment.

Like, they'll say, oh, my God, Roberta, have you ever had,

um, like, a New York moment.

Well, one time, I saw a Black guy with a mohawk

walk by a white guy with a mohawk,

and they both high-fived.

So I made a wish because I know how miracles work,

but apparently, that's not a real enough New York moment,

because everyone's all like, no ,,

I mean like a New York moment.

So I stopped and I thought about it, and I was like, well,

one time, I saw a fresh pile of dog poop with a used condom

on top of it.

I know.

I was there, and that's when I came up with a game called too

much information or not enough.

You're right.

There are no winners in that game.

You just start an Instagram account,

and you keep it moving.

So then I started thinking, maybe I never

have a real New York moment.

And then, one day, I'm walking down the street.

We're not that different, you and I,

and I see a delivery truck rolling down the hill

with no driver in it, and at first I

didn't pick up on it right away, you know,

because it wasn't about me, but then I

saw a UPS driver running after the truck,

and I was like, I went to college.

I know what's going on here, and the UPS truck

was headed straight for this guy on a bicycle,

and it's like, game on.

And then, as if in a movie, the UPS driver power jogs up

to the truck, does a lazy triple axle into the driver's seat,

pulls the brake like an old-timey train conductor,

and the truck stops just short of the guy on the bike.

The guy on the bike looks up at the guy in the truck.

They share this long moment, and then I swear to you,

they both just shrugged as if to go, New York, what are you

gonna do.

And I was like, seriously, that's it?

But then this stranger walking by out of nowhere

hands me this giant slice of pizza, piping hot,

and I was like, New York.

I get the hype.

I get the hype.

Gosh, I'm so nerdy, yet noble of spirit.

Oh, wow, Jenny Jane Jackson, the coolest girl in school.

I'm a fully-realized female character.

My personal wants are--

She would never fall for a guy like me.

That's right she wouldn't.

This is for being noble of spirit.

Oh.

Gosh, I wish I could stand up for myself.

Young man, violence is never the answer.

Oh, wow, famed scientist Dr. Brainstein.

Ha, I read all of your science.

I'm going to do an experiment now.

You want to come?

Sure.

Welcome to my laboratory.

This here is my radioactive gamma

serum dead parrot machine.

Can I take a picture for the school newspaper?

Teenagers love science photography.

Sure.

Just don't get too close to it.

I won't.

System malfunctioning.

Inciting incident approaching.

I'm sure it's fine.

Whoa.

Oh, man, I feel strange.

I'm just going to steady myself with this solid metal beam.

I have super strength?

Help.

Someone's robbing the bank.

And superhearing too.

Hmm, I should use these to become a hero

and then punch those bank robbers,

but I'm only going to punch them kind of hard,

because violence is never the answer.

Away!

Oh, good.

I can fly too.

Hault, fiends.

Hero man is here.

This money ain't mine.

Ooh

These diamonds ain't mine.

Oh.

I came from a broken home.

Ah.

Hero man.

Jenny Jane.

I mean, who are you?

We've never met before.

I'm Jenny Jane Jackson, High School student/reporter

for the Metropolitan/--

She doesn't recognize me because I'm

wearing different clothes.

Hero man, there's a new bad guy,

and he's worse than these bad guys.

He's built a robot, and it's destroying the city.

Beep, boop, et cetera.

The robot has also kidnapped Jenny Jane.

What?

I feel no remorse.

And he shot me.

Dr. Brainstein, no.

I've always thought of you as a father figure.

In a weird twist, I was your actual father.

What?

That's confusing.

The robot's dropping Jenny Jane.

Oh.

I've got you.

I feel like I'm being used as a prop to further the story.

It's like--

He did it.

God bless you, Hero Man.

God bless-- ah.

You're safe now, but stand back.

I'm going to use my laser eyes.

Since when do you have laser eyes?

Don't worry about it.

Laser!

Not laser eyes.

No!

Oh.

What an amazing explosion.

Everything's going to be fine.

Not so fast, Hero Man.

I'm the bad guy who built that robot,

and I'm going to keep building robots,

and there's nothing you can do to stop me,

because you're strong moral code won't allow you to kill me.

Violence is never the answer.

I feel like I didn't really do that much in this movie.

Aw.

Hmm.

Hey.

Sup.

And that is why I don't fuck around with pug dogs

anymore. - Makes sense to me.

They're crazy.

Yeah, they're nuts.

Whoa.

That's quite the scar you got there.

Yeah.

Got it in a fight with the Barker.

He was this old timey villain.

His power was to entertain people into submission.

He infiltrated a traveling circus

that had set up in Nevada.

When our fight started, he used a trained bear on a unicycle

as some sort of human shield.

Well, I broke his clavicle, but he barely even noticed.

The show must go on, he said.

So I went out to the parking lot, commandeered a Hummer,

which I ran him over with.

I cut my wrist on the cup holder in the Hummer.

They're dangerous vehicles.

I mean, it kind of just sounds like you

killed a circus fellow.

You might have murdered a man who did nothing.

Yeah, you might have just murdered him.

You also stole a car.

You can't just steal a Hummer.

Why are you guys crawling up my ass?

Evening, fellas.

Normal man.

You call that a scar?

Check that cool shit out, son.

Check that out.

Got that fighting Six Pack.

You fought Six Pack?

I find that hard to believe.

2007, Christmas morning.

Six Pack decides to rob a Crunch Tim.

That's faulty logic.

Crunch Tim's, not really a lot of money lying around.

People don't even have their wallets on them.

Plus, anybody there, that's a sad sack.

That's a desperate person.

That's someone whose family doesn't care about them, who's

doing something public, hoping someone will ask

them if they're OK, you know?

Anyway, Six Pack freaked out when

he realized there was no cash to get,

dragged in hostages off the street.

Total mess. - Wait.

So how did you know he was there?

I was working out on Christmas.

Don't work out on Christmas.

He didn't realize anybody else with powers was there.

So I go into super stealth mode.

I go invisible, sneak up behind him.

Of course, to be invisible, I need to be flying.

So he heard my wings flapping.

He caught me.

He gave me that atomic elbow drop

thing that he's famous for right into my eye, knocked me out.

Woke up on my mother's couch.

Don't know how I got there.

He might have given me a ride home, spirit of Christmas,

but, you know, that's cool of him.

You know, anyway, my mother hadn't really gotten me a gift.

I could really use help.

I could really use someone to talk to.

Good for you.

Yeah.

You must have more scars beyond, like, the pug

induced scars, right?

Scars.

My scars come from the inside.

My scars scream out to me at night while I'm sleeping.

My scars have eyes, lifeless eyes,

black eyes like a doll's eyes.

My scars come at you.

Looks like they're not living until they bite you.

Their eyes roll over white, and you hear the high

pitched hooting and hollering.

The ocean turns red.

If you cut my scars open, the little Kintner boy will

spill out all over the dock.

- That's "Jaws". - That's "Jaws"

- Yeah, that's-- - It's from "Jaws".

That is from the movie "Jaws".

Yeah, no, I don't get scars because my skin's

made of brick.

God, I hate working the woman's room.

What the hell is this stuff?

Ma'am.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Um, no.

Do you like to watch?

Watch what?

Come with me.

Oh, no, people need me to give them towels.

Shh!

Yeah, I can do that.

You ready?

Yeah.

Yes.

I am ready.

Oh, my God.

Look at me.

Ah.

That is not what I thought.

Shh.

Ew, ew.

But you didn't flush.

A lady never does.

You didn't wipe either.

Will counselors please approach the bench.

Is that Danny Aiello?

I think it is.

I was just thinking that. - What?

No. It's him.

Definitely. - I think it's him.

It is. It's him.

Why would he be here?

He lives in LA.

Yes, but do we really know that?

I guess I don't, but don't celebrities live in LA?

What was he in?

He was in "The Godfather", right?

I think that was Abe Vigoda.

They were both in it, right?

I think you're thinking Abe Vigoda is Danny Aiello, right?

I don't know.

Danny.

Danny.

Did he look? - I didn't see.

Say it again. - Danny.

Don't. Stop.

Now everybody's looking at me.

You guys should have figured this out in jury selection.

Well, I didn't think Danny Aiello

might be in the jury pool.

No, I thought it.

That's on me.

I just didn't really think it would be him.

It's just-- do you think he'd take a picture with us?

You know what, I changed my mind.

I don't think that's him. It's him.

It's him. - I don't.

It's definitely him.

The more I look, the more I can see it's him.

- Danny. - Danny.

Danny.

- Danny. - Danny!

- Danny. - Danny.

Danny!

Yeah.

Yeah!

- Oh, my God. - Yah-hoo!

I can't believe it.

Oh, man.

Whoa.

We did it.

Nailed it.

- I didn't think at first, but. - Oh, man, that guy.

That guy. You called it.

You called it.

Unbelievable.

Oh, boy.

How about that?

Do that right thing.

That was him, right?

I don't know if it was him.

I was fulfilling my dream of living

by myself in New York City.

Then my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job and my short husband

to come move to New York City, teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

And I'm Bernice.

And we're--

Living in the city.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

My apartment was supposed to be just for me,

and now I'm living here with my sister, and it's hard.

Uh, hey, Bernice, are you going

to sit there during the movie?

We were about to watch "Sister Act 2" on demand.

You know, we could just make out instead.

I'm not sure if I'm in the mood.

It's OK.

I'll do all the work.

We could just reschedule.

I'm serious.

I practice at home all the time.

I'm very good.

I got a roommate who'd pull shit like this all the time.

I'm used to it.

I met him on the subway.

He was picking up coins from the floor

but then offering them to everybody.

And then he offered me a quarter,

and then said, call me, and I was like,

I don't think phone calls are a quarter anymore,

and then he just said, well, why don't I come over some time.

Bernice, I know you live here too, but when you moved in,

you said we'd share the common space.

Yeah, share it, not monopolize it.

I could even just start up north,

and if you don't want me to go south at all, that's fine.

That can be date two.

You're in the driver's seat.

We could just go out.

I mean, right now, I've just got, like, horny blinders.

So I can block all that out.

Excuse me, Romeo, mama needs a little more popcorn.

She's running low.

Maybe even do a thing where we try

to see how much square footage of flesh

we can get pushed up against each other.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Please.

More popcorn please.

Just block it out.

I'll make you more popcorn.

New bowl, please.

There's still sucking kernels in this one.

I can see your vagina.

I can't quite tell what's going on with it,

but I think I like it.

A little turd bird told me that somebody likes making out.

You've got a lot of attitude.

Shut your mouth!

You're so much flirtier when she's not around.

Are you coming over here, or am I going over there?

You can come over here, but it's got to be quick.

A girl never kisses and tells.

I was married once, you know.

Now I just fuck strangers.

Hi, and welcome to Cocktails with Little Esther.

I'm your host, Little Esther, and my guest today

is the wonderful Eliza Skinner.

- Hey. - Welcome.

Thank you.

These are tiny drinks.

Very small.

Today's safe word is Bill Cosby.

Oh, no.

Is there a safe word about the safe word?

What advice would you give your teenage self?

To wash my hair more frequently.

I was pretty lazy about that.

I would be like, but I've got to finish this book.

Showers.

Anyway.

What were some of your embarrassing adolescent

misconceptions about sex?

That nobody wanted to have it with me.

Oh, you didn't think anyone--

Yeah, I was like, huh, not this weirdo,

but I was like a teenage girl with boobs.

Definitely somebody wanted to have sex with me.

That is a horrible misconception you had.

Yeah.

What is the most memorable penis you've ever seen and why?

My dad's.

Oh.

Same.

OK, now it's time to play turn on, turn off.

Jumps rope.

Turn off.

I'm assuming that that means that he's a child.

So-- I'm mostly into adults.

Mostly.

Mostly.

Pays for dinner with a Groupon.

Whoa, turn off.

If you're my boyfriend, and it's like, this is fun.

I got a Groupon, and we can have a laugh

and then get that discount. Yeah.

- Speaks German. - Oh, turn on.

- Only in bed. - Turn off.

That became a turnoff at the end.

If there was a sex move called the Eliza Skinner,

what would it be?

Oh, it would be climbing off and getting some eggs.

I'm really into brunch.

Like, I find myself halfway through,

pretty frequently being like, oh, I get brunch after this.

That would really turn me on.

I have to say. - See.

OK.

So if you could have sex with any fictional character,

who would it be?

Well I keep trying to think of somebody good,

but Tigger from "Winnie the Pooh"

keeps jumping into my head.

Oh, that's very odd.

I know.

You could have said, like, Jack from "Titanic".

Oh, God, that's so much better.

Oh.

Now it's time to have a dirty talk contest.

Whoever laughs first is the loser.

- OK. - Do you want to go first?

No.

Your legs make my heart feel wet.

I could jam my hand up you and then open

and close it a whole bunch.

All right, one more.

OK.

You go first.

OK.

I want to bury you in the ground.

I'm bad at this.

Girl, I want to bury you in the ground.

I'm going to forget the spot and move on.

Your family won't know where you are.

So I want to tell you a little bit

about my first sexual experience,

and then I would like to challenge you

to do a freestyle rap about it.

OK.

Oh, shit.

It was after a Britney Spears concert,

and I was with my boyfriend of one month,

and I barely remember it.

OK.

Do I get a beat?

Yeah.

After a Britney concert,

you know that she rocks it, and then you rocked me,

and it was really toxic.

Uh-huh.

My virginity, I couldn't save, but then I became your slave,

because we went back into my bedroom,

and then you and I, we got to boom,

and then it was over so fast.

You me, but anyway, I was still lucky.

Yeah.

Eliza, thank you so much for being on my show.

Thanks for having me.

As a parting gift, I made you this.

It's an oral sex light.

Thank you.

Thanks so much for watching.