Original subtitles

This is Judah Friedlander sitting in the back of a limo.

Is Bello in the front?

Bello's in the front.

There's a lot of hot couples coming into this vehicle today.

And we're going to have a good time with them.

We're going to get to know them.

And it's going to be sexy.

Hello, ladies. - Hi.

How's it going?

Good.

- My name's Judah, what's yours? - Alexis.

- I want to call you, Alexis. - OK.

- Good to see you. - I'm D.

What's your name? D?

Yeah.

That's a cool letter.

It's one of my favorite letters.

I think you two are cool.

I feel a good vibe.

How long have you two been going out?

- Two years. - 2 and 1/2 years.

2 and 1/2 years.

Almost three years.

It keeps getting longer.

Wow, that's so cool.

Do you want me to tell you how we met?

Yeah, how'd you meet? How'd you meet?

Yeah, how'd you meet?

So I was walking and I seen her.

And I was like, oh, she's cute.

And my friends, like, you're a lesbian.

Is this Diana's first girlfriend?

OK, so you've gone out with girls before?

You've gone out with girls before?

I've not gone out with girls.

OK.

I don't want to say I went out, it was just--

But you've had encounters with women before.

Yeah.

OK.

But this is your first? - Yeah, my first.

Yeah.

You've been with her for two years now, what is it?

What makes it so great?

She's really made me who I am.

How?

How did she do it?

I had the lowest self-esteem in the world, like--

Oh, really?

It was just--

I hated-- I didn't--

I'm not going to say I hated everything about me,

but I was--

So you saw this raw talent and you coached her--

Yeah.

into this confident person.

My family's conceited.

We're the most conceited people you ever meet.

You can stare at me and be like you're hideous.

We're like girl bye.

We're gorgeous.

So in her, she's so pretty to me.

I don't tolerate it.

Like, you're not going to sit here and say I'm ugly,

I don't like my body.

Like, I'm going to make sure that you love your body.

Like, the first day we was texting, I told her.

And she said I'll make sure you know you're pretty every day.

All right.

You know what?

A colleague of mine from the Love Institute

is actually going to join us now.

Oh, OK.

- Are you cool with that? - Yeah.

All right. Here he is.

Here he is. Slide over.

Yeah, come on in. Come on in.

All right.

This guy knows a lot of stuff like this.

I'm Alec.

I know who you are.

I trained him at the Institute.

Describe to me what is a stud female?

Is a female who dresses like prefers to dress masculine.

I would be a stud female.

Like how you dress, like, some stud dress like that.

But I had a friend, like, it was at a point

where she would actually wear, like, her strap on.

I wear my strap on sometimes.

I like--

I don't want there to be any doubt.

I like studs, though.

Life is short.

I get in bed with that woman, I wanted that job to get done.

Why do you think you dress that way?

Is this your style?

Because you're a beautiful girl. - Thank you.

And you're gorgeous.

I mean, you're really, really gorgeous.

- Thank you. - I'm just not--

I don't-- I wore dresses.

You just don't care about girly things.

Yeah.

I want to make a movie about you.

Like, a super hot, gay girl who plays basketball.

And you like hustle people for money.

Yeah.

You're like welcome to parks.

And you're like, do you want to go one-on-one with me?

These guys are like, yeah, sure.

And then boom, boom, boom.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

What do you say? - I'm down.

You're down? - Yeah.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby.

If Alexis is a stud female, what are you?

I'm a femme.

You're a femme?

What's a term for me?

What am I? - A handsome man.

If you say 50--

oh, thank you.

I was going to say white devil.

All right, write this down, don't show each other.

Ready? OK.

Five years from now, are you married?

Yes or no?

Do you have children?

And if yes, how many?

Are you still living in Pittsburgh?

And if not, where ideally would you be living?

And whenever you're ready and reveal.

You're married.

You have kids, three kids!

Living in New York.

Why do you want to live in New York?

I want to retire on ESPN someday.

That's Connecticut, actually.

Work for the Giants or something.

That's Jersey.

Giants are Jersey.

You live with your aunt?

Mm-hmm.

And your aunt doesn't prefer when she's around, correct?

No.

She doesn't accept you being gay?

Absolutely not.

This is your first gay relationship?

Yeah.

What area of Pittsburgh is the most

gay-friendly would you say?

Yeah, what's the gay scene like in Pittsburgh?

There is no gay scene in Pittsburgh.

There is--

There is no gay scene.

There's a gay bookstore like Lawrenceville

or something, right?

I would say the south side, maybe?

- Yeah. - The south side.

That's where everybody goes.

That's where all the clubs are.

Yeah.

But there isn't a gay scene here?

There's like a gay club, but it looks

like it was in my basement.

In New York, we have like a whole zip code that's gay.

- Really? - Really?

New York is like so gay, you're going to be great.

Amazing.

Gayer than San Francisco?

Uh, different.

OK.

Thank you both for doing this for us.

You're welcome. - You girls rock.

You girls are cool.

I'm telling you right now, seriously, this is me strapping

it on right now, big time.

I'm strapping it on.

And you already have a strap-on.

I'm strapping it on.

This is your second strap on.

I'm double-barrel strapped on now.

If you don't take her to New York or LA,

I'm taking her to New York to LA.

You want her? You can have her?

You can't handle her.

No, I know I can't handle her.

You'd be sending her back to me.

I'm going to be sending her--

I'm telling you

You're just going to give me up like that?

Girl.

Hi.

I'm Sugar Boy.

I'm a boy and I ate a lot of sugar.

Want to hear a story?

I want to tell you a story.

It's a real good detective story called Attack of the Sack.

It all started when a guy was killed in the face one day.

It was all over the newspapers.

Everyone was wondering who the killer was

and why he was killing people.

One day, someone saw the killer when he was doing the kill.

And they saw that he was running the sack on his face,

so newspapers nicknamed him Sack Face.

That caught the attention of a really cool

detective, who looked just like my mom's

new boyfriend named Dug.

His name was Matt Coolman.

He was named that because he was such a cool man.

And he wore a trench coat and flip-up sunglasses.

And he was tall enough to dunk in a full-size hoop!

One day, he went to a crime scene

where Sack Face had recently punched most of some guy's head

off.

A chunk of his nose was sitting on the ground

right next to a note that was written all in magazine.

And it said I do this, ha, ha, ha.

Sincerely, Sack Face.

Max was mad, so he grabbed the nose and jumped on the train,

so he gets to his lab and run some tests on it.

Meanwhile, Sack Face was across town,

ripping someone else's head off and throwing it in the garbage.

Max made it to the lab where we worked with a lady assistant

who was really pretty.

And Max would pinch her butt any chance he got.

Max ran some tests on the nose with some really

cool computer graphics and found one of the killer's eyelashes.

And it was brown!

So he did a search for brown-haired people

and found a guy named Jimmy with really brown hair.

But when he asked Jimmy, he said, I didn't do it.

OK, thanks.

Bye.

So Max decided to figure out another plan.

Meanwhile, Sack Face threw a guy off a building.

Max was tired, so he went home to chug a Hawaiian punch.

Just then the phone rang, and it was the killer!

Who was saying stuff like, I'm going to kill more

people unless you catch me.

Maybe I'll even kill you, too, so be careful.

The caller ID said he was around the corner!

That's when he got super freaked.

And he started tiptoeing like crazy.

But Sack Face popped out and then was like No!

Until they wrestled around for a while.

Max tried to tickle his armpits, but he

must not have been ticklish.

It was so rambunctious that Max's sunglasses got crushed.

And he was so mad that he ripped the sack off

of Sack Face's face!

When you look down, he saw that he looked just like him!

I thought, oh, man, I've been the killer this whole time.

But then he realized that it was just a mask

made out of pieces of his victims' faces.

So he pulled that thing off, and it

was Waldo from the "Where's Waldo" books, which explained

why he was so hard to find.

But that was just a mask, too!

So he pulled that off.

And he saw that he was the lady lab So he pinched her butt

and gave her a quick kiss.

But that was a mask too!

So he ripped that off.

And it was Principal Carter!

He looked like a big idiot like he always does.

So Max slapped him in the face for giving

him all those detentions.

He slapped so hard that he slapped his face clean off

and it was just blank.

Then Max looked up at a mirror, and his face was blank too!

Then the killer looked like him again.

He tried to scream, but all that came out was a muffled moan.

But then he woke up and realized it was all a dream.

And that he had already caught the killer.

And it was just some crazy hobo.

And was put in jail forever.

And that lady lab assistant was actually his steady girlfriend.

And they kissed.

But when he pulled back, she was Principal Carter!

Then he woke up from that dream.

But the real twist was that the whole story was just the dog

dream that my dog Ginger had.

Sometimes she farts in her sleep.

Sugar Boy!

That's the end.

Bye.

I want to apologize for all the ways

that I wronged you guys when I was drinking.

You did some horrible things so thank you.

Really bad, yeah, but we're ready to be

strong and move past it.

OK, horrible might be a little overstating it.

You, uh, you made fun of the way

that Fred was grilling steaks at his family reunion last summer.

I was giving him tips.

My aunt's a chef.

Come on.

Then you through the steaks in the pool when I refused to flip

them to the tune of "Gangnam Style"

played by the beat of your clapping hands.

I would have never made you clap for that song,

it's a wack beat.

Well, you did, right before you peed in the pool

so that the steaks would definitely not be salvageable.

Look, I didn't really bring you

guys here to do a "he did what to who, who did this to what."

That's not really what I need.

We didn't do anything.

You, on the other hand, actually did do the things

that we're bringing up.

In addition to swiping a blank check from our office

and cashing it for $5,000.

Your kitchen nook is not an office.

Well, it's an office space that is part of the kitchen.

And what does that have to do with anything?

Well, it tells me you have the tendency to blow

things out of proportion.

So all of these horrible things you said

might not really even be true.

Here's a bank statement.

Uh, we're not blowing anything out of proportion.

OK, let me ask you this.

Would you punish a little small kid with two broken

arms and two broken legs?

Are you saying you're that child?

Well, obviously, I'm bigger, but yes.

I was drunk.

Whether or not I did the things that you said I did,

I was at a disadvantage my entire life.

Oh, come on.

Still, I'm sorry about all the things, as you mentioned, even

though I'm not entirely sure that they

have been accurately described.

You want more accurate descriptions?

OK.

All right.

You spent an entire Thanksgiving calling me

Freddie Focaccia while force-feeding

me focaccia bread.

I don't even know how to pronounce focaccia.

That's it. You just did it.

You told me that Willem Dafoe whose

name was pronounced William, even though you knew better!

You called Experian and politely asked

them to lower my credit score.

You added lint to our dryer filter.

You gave us tickets to Epcot Center that we

later found out you made.

You depleted all of our DVR shows

and recorded 50 episodes of "Little People, Big World."

You made us listen to your "Shawshank

Redemption" fan fiction.

And then got mad at us when we pointed out inaccuracies.

You changed my Twitter handle to tiny titties

got attitude 443.

You don't even know my name.

You call me Gale Boetticher from "Breaking Bad."

You cracked my iPhone screen on purpose.

What is that?

What are you doing?

It's a-- it's a finger on my stash.

I'm trying to lighten up the situation.

Do you accept that you did all those things?

Yes, I do, if you accept this double mustache.

Double mustache.

I can't accept that.

This is the worst thing he's ever done.

So what?

The client is Pool Waves?

What the heck is this, like a room spray or eye tonic?

No, no.

You know those beach hair sprays that

give you your hair ocean curls?

This one gives you pool waves.

That's the thing?

Here's our idea for this brand.

Bethany Mota, Tyler Oakley, Zoella,

Arden Rose, Tammy What

do these people have in common?

They're all show dogs?

They're YouTube stars.

Our plan is to send Pool Waves to the coolest of the cool.

And then have them review it on their vlogs.

These YouTubers, let me get this straight,

they talk to the camera like it's their best friend,

they hold up clothes they recently bought, and millions

of people watch and love it.

Pretty much.

Ugh, it's the first time I ever felt old.

It's OK, it's for 16-year-olds anyways.

Oh, definitely. Yeah.

I mean, not women like me who went

to graduate school for psychology and urban studies--

It's OK.

selling Pool Waves.

OK, go make it happen.

Get in touch with all the Tanya Glamorizes

and the Tina Glitters and make them blog about Pool Waves.

Go, go, go, go.

How do you spell diseased?

D-I-S-E-A-S-E-D

- OK, got it. - Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was looking if a friend of mine has a disease.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Heather, what?

I was researching YouTubers, and look what I found.

Whoa, is that--

Lily's the full hawker!

Look how many subs she has.

Are you joking?

Hi.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

This is too good!

Thanks for all your comments on the messy bun tutorial.

As you can see, I did one today.

And it only took me 3 and 1/2 hours.

When I get down in the dumps, you know what I like to do?

Make goofy faces.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

So this is a work clothes haul.

When I shop for work clothes, I look for two things.

One, really cool prints.

And two, professional hemlines.

I love fall because sweaters, sweaters!

So today we're going to be reviewing fruit water.

It has zero calories, which is great.

And this flavor is watermelon punch.

I just-- it's cute.

I think watermelons are so cute.

That's how you do a really defined brow.

As you can see, the difference between this brow,

which is undefined, and this brow, which is defined.

Make sure you don't leave the house like this.

Do both of them.

She's the one.

We should have her review Pool Waves.

And then have Arden Rose and all our internet friends do it too.

Oh, my god, we watch that for three hours!

Hey, guys.

What have you been doing?

Hey, you, funny you should ask.

We were researching YouTubers, um, for our Pool Waves launch.

We saw your vlog.

We know you're popular on YouTube.

Very tactful approach, like a bird into a glass door.

Thank you.

It's just something I do in my spare time.

You guys weren't supposed to see that.

- We love it. - It's great.

Very you.

Super cute bubbly.

We just have one favor to ask.

We just need you to review Pool Waves

and get your YouTuber friends to do it too.

I would be honored.

I love the messy bun tutorial.

Thank you.

It took me a long time to make that video.

I had to go through so many messy buns.

Pool Waves.

Do you know I drowned once?

Yeah.

Here it is.

This will create organic buzz for Pool Waves.

Hi, guys. It's Lily

Thanks for checking

out my Pool Waves review.

Pool Waves!

Hey, guys.

What's up?

It's Arden Rose here again for another video.

And I'm going to be reviewing Pool Waves.

If you can't already tell, it's in my hair.

It really just recreates that chlorinated look

of what happens to your hair right

when you get out of the pool.

Almost like YMCA, poolside look.

Like there's stuff in the water.

You know, there's like a cigarette

butt left over in your hair.

The consistency of this after it's, you know,

dried and everything is kind of like road salt.

Mm.

I just used about--

I don't know, 17 to 18 pumps per square inch of hair.

It's about 45 to 50 minutes.

But in the meantime, while you're

pumping this on your hair, you can, you know,

make yourself breakfast, you can contemplate your life.

I did wash it four times and it still looks like this.

Which makes me slightly worried, but it'll be OK.

It's going to be OK.

It's going to be OK.

Pool Waves.

Funny thing is I can't swim.

Excellent!

This is really terrific!

It's young, it's smart, it's sexy.

One question, do you think Pool Waves really works?

Absolutely, not.

Who wants to look like they just got out of a pool?

Ba, da, da, da, 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with comedian Tracy Morgan.

What's up Tracy?

How are you?

What's up, bro.

How's it going?

Good.

Please talk about ways that you are

or are not similar to a horse.

I don't eat hay.

Yeah.

And my penis is bigger.

Right.

Please say yes or no to whether the following adjectives

apply to you.

All right.

Enthusiastic?

Hell, yeah.

Hard-working?

Smart-working.

Smart-working, OK.

Macho?

No.

Weird?

Yeah.

Scared of escalators?

No.

A fan of showers?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, I wondered if you do impressions

of any famous robots?

Yeah, danger Will Robinson.

R2-D2 .

And I do C-3PO.

Um, R2 has been known to make mistakes.

Do you respect Shakespeare?

What do you think of him? Did you have to study him?

- Who, Willy? - Yeah.

Uh, no.

Uh, please finish this sentence.

The one non-food item that I wish I could eat--

A Frisbee.

Yeah.

All right.

Your antics have gotten us stuck in a closet on another planet.

And I'm, like, your superior officer who's real mad at you,

but also I want to ask out your sister.

We're already on this other planet,

and now we're stuck in a closet?

This is the last time.

You got to pay attention when you're at the controls.

All right. OK.

Next time I won't get us stuck in the closet.

Eh, um, how's Stacy?

Who?

My sister?

She aight.

What she, um, what she into?

I don't know what she into, but, Captain, this was not

my fault being in this closet. - Right, right, right.

Yeah, yeah. I was mad earlier.

I just wanted you to know. Right.

I just wanted to let you know that, Cap.

Is she like a--

a Virgo?

What's her birthday?

She's a scorpion.

Why?

Would you be super pissed if I asked her out?

We're going to play a game called Tracy Morgan

gives my, um, mom advice.

So I'm going to see if we can get my mom on the phone.

She's got a car that she's just been driving too long.

I'll explain it with her.

Hello?

Hi, mom?

Yeah.

Hi, it's Michael.

I'm here with Tracy Morgan.

Oh!

OK.

How are you doing?

Hi, Tracy, how are you?

I'm OK.

Your son's worried about the car you're driving.

You ain't going to be satisfied till the muffler drop out--

drop off on you in the middle of the highway

late at night and the werewolf come and see you.

And I don't want that to happen to you.

Oh, thank you.

Because you sound like a nice lady.

I am a nice lady.

So get rid of that jeep, then.

What are you guys doing?

We're in the closet.

Oh, my gosh!

All right, I'll talk to you later, mom.

Bye, Mom.

I love that.

I know she loves that car, but we love her more.

- You were a huge help there. - Cos that's how--

- You were a huge help. - Thank you.

Well, she's my mother, too.

I know.

Well, I appreciate it.

I think a lot of people think of you as a wild card,

like you said.

But I think that's a wild card I like being around.

Thank you.

So I've had a really great time with 7 Minutes in Heaven

with Tracy.

The closet.

Peace.

And, um, yeah.

Come here. - OK.

Come here.

All right.

OK, OK. - OK?

Yes.

Oh.

Don't cry.

She's going to get rid of that car.

Oh, yeah!

Somebody come get us out this closet.

I'm getting claustrophobic.

Hi.

Yeah, I need the report on my desk by 5:00.

I-- I'm going to have to call you back.

We live our whole lives looking straight ahead.

But now something is coming.

And it's changing the angle at which we look at things.

This thing isn't at eye level.

It's not even a little above eye level, like a giraffe

or a Shaquille O'Neal.

It's way, way above eye level.

And before you ask, no, you can't

just use your eyes to look up.

You have to tilt your whole damn head

and do some serious looking up.

I'm telling you, if you're just looking straight ahead,

you're only going to see this thing's feet.

And you'll be confused like, what the heck

are those big feet doing here?

If you want to see what those feet are

connected to, oh, buddy, you are definitely

going to have to look up.

It's true.

If looking up were hot ham, we'd be eating ourselves sick.

I can't see, so someone tell me if you're all looking up.

I'm blind.

I stared at a laser pointer.

I tell you, if Oprah were here, she'd point at you

and say you're looking up and you're looking up,

you're all looking up.

Do you get it yet?

You got it.

I will be on my way then.