All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E10.You.Added.Lint.to.Our.Dryer.Filter.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

This is Judah Friedlander
sitting in the back of a limo.

Is Bello in the front?

Bello's in the front.

There's a lot of hot couples
coming into this vehicle today.

And we're going to have
a good time with them.

We're going to get to know them.

And it's going to be sexy.

Hello, ladies.
- Hi.

How's it going?

Good.

- My name's Judah, what's yours?
- Alexis.

- I want to call you, Alexis.
- OK.

- Good to see you.
- I'm D.

What's your name?
D?

Yeah.

That's a cool letter.

It's one of my favorite letters.

I think you two are cool.

I feel a good vibe.

How long have you
two been going out?

- Two years.
- 2 and 1/2 years.

2 and 1/2 years.

Almost three years.

It keeps getting longer.

Wow, that's so cool.

Do you want me to
tell you how we met?

Yeah, how'd you meet?
How'd you meet?

Yeah, how'd you meet?

So I was walking
and I seen her.

And I was like, oh, she's cute.

And my friends, like,
you're a lesbian.

Is this Diana's
first girlfriend?

OK, so you've gone
out with girls before?

You've gone out
with girls before?

I've not gone out with girls.

OK.

I don't want to say I
went out, it was just--

But you've had encounters
with women before.

Yeah.

OK.

But this is your first?
- Yeah, my first.

Yeah.

You've been with her for
two years now, what is it?

What makes it so great?

She's really made me who I am.

How?

How did she do it?

I had the lowest self-esteem
in the world, like--

Oh, really?

It was just--

I hated-- I didn't--

I'm not going to say I
hated everything about me,

but I was--

So you saw this raw
talent and you coached her--

Yeah.

into this confident person.

My family's conceited.

We're the most conceited
people you ever meet.

You can stare at me and
be like you're hideous.

We're like girl bye.

We're gorgeous.

So in her, she's
so pretty to me.

I don't tolerate it.

Like, you're not going to
sit here and say I'm ugly,

I don't like my body.

Like, I'm going to make sure
that you love your body.

Like, the first day we
was texting, I told her.

And she said I'll make sure you
know you're pretty every day.

All right.

You know what?

A colleague of mine
from the Love Institute

is actually going
to join us now.

Oh, OK.

- Are you cool with that?
- Yeah.

All right.
Here he is.

Here he is.
Slide over.

Yeah, come on in.
Come on in.

All right.

This guy knows a lot
of stuff like this.

I'm Alec.

I know who you are.

I trained
him at the Institute.

Describe to me what
is a stud female?

Is a female who dresses like
prefers to dress masculine.

I would be a stud female.

Like how you dress, like,
some stud dress like that.

But I had a friend,
like, it was at a point

where she would actually
wear, like, her strap on.

I wear my strap on sometimes.

I like--

I don't want there
to be any doubt.

I like studs, though.

Life is short.

I get in bed with that woman,
I wanted that job to get done.

Why do you think
you dress that way?

Is this your style?

Because you're a beautiful girl.
- Thank you.

And you're gorgeous.

I mean, you're really,
really gorgeous.

- Thank you.
- I'm just not--

I don't-- I wore dresses.

You just don't care
about girly things.

Yeah.

I want to make
a movie about you.

Like, a super hot, gay
girl who plays basketball.

And you like hustle
people for money.

Yeah.

You're like welcome to parks.

And you're like, do you want
to go one-on-one with me?

These guys are like, yeah, sure.

And then boom, boom, boom.

Bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang.

What do you say?
- I'm down.

You're down?
- Yeah.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby.

If Alexis is a stud
female, what are you?

I'm a femme.

You're a femme?

What's a term for me?

What am I?
- A handsome man.

If you say 50--

oh, thank you.

I was going to
say white devil.

All right, write this
down, don't show each other.

Ready?
OK.

Five years from
now, are you married?

Yes or no?

Do you have children?

And if yes, how many?

Are you still living
in Pittsburgh?

And if not, where ideally
would you be living?

And whenever you're
ready and reveal.

You're married.

You have kids, three kids!

Living in New York.

Why do you want to
live in New York?

I want to retire
on ESPN someday.

That's Connecticut, actually.

Work for the
Giants or something.

That's Jersey.

Giants are Jersey.

You
live with your aunt?

Mm-hmm.

And your aunt doesn't prefer
when she's around, correct?

No.

She doesn't
accept you being gay?

Absolutely not.

This is your
first gay relationship?

Yeah.

What area of
Pittsburgh is the most

gay-friendly would you say?

Yeah, what's the gay
scene like in Pittsburgh?

There is no gay
scene in Pittsburgh.

There is--

There
is no gay scene.

There's a gay bookstore
like Lawrenceville

or something, right?

I would say the
south side, maybe?

- Yeah.
- The south side.

That's where everybody goes.

That's where
all the clubs are.

Yeah.

But there isn't
a gay scene here?

There's like a gay
club, but it looks

like it was in my basement.

In New York, we have like
a whole zip code that's gay.

- Really?
- Really?

New York is like so gay,
you're going to be great.

Amazing.

Gayer than San Francisco?

Uh, different.

OK.

Thank you both for
doing this for us.

You're welcome.
- You girls rock.

You girls are cool.

I'm telling you right now,
seriously, this is me strapping

it on right now, big time.

I'm strapping it on.

And you
already have a strap-on.

I'm strapping it on.

This is your second strap on.

I'm double-barrel
strapped on now.

If you don't take her
to New York or LA,

I'm taking her to
New York to LA.

You want her?
You can have her?

You can't handle her.

No, I know I can't handle her.

You'd be sending
her back to me.

I'm going to be sending her--

I'm telling you

You're just going to
give me up like that?

Girl.

Hi.

I'm Sugar Boy.

I'm a boy and I
ate a lot of sugar.

Want to hear a story?

I want to tell you a story.

It's a real good detective
story called Attack of the Sack.

It all started when a guy was
killed in the face one day.

It was all over the newspapers.

Everyone was wondering
who the killer was

and why he was killing people.

One day, someone saw the killer
when he was doing the kill.

And they saw that he was
running the sack on his face,

so newspapers nicknamed
him Sack Face.

That caught the attention
of a really cool

detective, who looked
just like my mom's

new boyfriend named Dug.

His name was Matt Coolman.

He was named that because
he was such a cool man.

And he wore a trench coat
and flip-up sunglasses.

And he was tall enough to
dunk in a full-size hoop!

One day, he went
to a crime scene

where Sack Face had recently
punched most of some guy's head

off.

A chunk of his nose was
sitting on the ground

right next to a note that
was written all in magazine.

And it said I do
this, ha, ha, ha.

Sincerely, Sack Face.

Max was mad, so he grabbed the
nose and jumped on the train,

so he gets to his lab
and run some tests on it.

Meanwhile, Sack Face
was across town,

ripping someone else's head off
and throwing it in the garbage.

Max made it to the lab where
we worked with a lady assistant

who was really pretty.

And Max would pinch her
butt any chance he got.

Max ran some tests on
the nose with some really

cool computer graphics and found
one of the killer's eyelashes.

And it was brown!

So he did a search for
brown-haired people

and found a guy named Jimmy
with really brown hair.

But when he asked Jimmy,
he said, I didn't do it.

OK, thanks.

Bye.

So Max decided to
figure out another plan.

Meanwhile, Sack Face threw
a guy off a building.

Max was tired, so he went
home to chug a Hawaiian punch.

Just then the phone rang,
and it was the killer!

Who was saying stuff like,
I'm going to kill more

people unless you catch me.

Maybe I'll even kill
you, too, so be careful.

The caller ID said he
was around the corner!

That's when he
got super freaked.

And he started
tiptoeing like crazy.

But Sack Face popped out and
then was like No!

Until they wrestled
around for a while.

Max tried to tickle
his armpits, but he

must not have been ticklish.

It was so rambunctious that
Max's sunglasses got crushed.

And he was so mad that
he ripped the sack off

of Sack Face's face!

When you look down, he saw
that he looked just like him!

I thought, oh, man, I've been
the killer this whole time.

But then he realized
that it was just a mask

made out of pieces of
his victims' faces.

So he pulled that
thing off, and it

was Waldo from the "Where's
Waldo" books, which explained

why he was so hard to find.

But that was just a mask, too!

So he pulled that off.

And he saw that he was the
lady lab So he pinched her butt

and gave her a quick kiss.

But that was a mask too!

So he ripped that off.

And it was Principal Carter!

He looked like a big
idiot like he always does.

So Max slapped him in
the face for giving

him all those detentions.

He slapped so hard that he
slapped his face clean off

and it was just blank.

Then Max looked up at a mirror,
and his face was blank too!

Then the killer
looked like him again.

He tried to scream, but all that
came out was a muffled moan.

But then he woke up and
realized it was all a dream.

And that he had already
caught the killer.

And it was just some crazy hobo.

And was put in jail forever.

And that lady lab assistant was
actually his steady girlfriend.

And they kissed.

But when he pulled back,
she was Principal Carter!

Then he woke up from that dream.

But the real twist was that the
whole story was just the dog

dream that my dog Ginger had.

Sometimes she
farts in her sleep.

Sugar Boy!

That's the end.

Bye.

I want to apologize
for all the ways

that I wronged you guys
when I was drinking.

You did some horrible
things so thank you.

Really bad, yeah,
but we're ready to be

strong and move past it.

OK, horrible might be
a little overstating it.

You, uh, you
made fun of the way

that Fred was grilling steaks at
his family reunion last summer.

I was giving him tips.

My aunt's a chef.

Come on.

Then you through the steaks in
the pool when I refused to flip

them to the tune
of "Gangnam Style"

played by the beat of
your clapping hands.

I would have never made
you clap for that song,

it's a wack beat.

Well, you did, right
before you peed in the pool

so that the steaks would
definitely not be salvageable.

Look, I didn't
really bring you

guys here to do a "he did what
to who, who did this to what."

That's not really what I need.

We didn't do anything.

You, on the other hand,
actually did do the things

that we're bringing up.

In addition to swiping a
blank check from our office

and cashing it for $5,000.

Your kitchen nook
is not an office.

Well, it's an office space
that is part of the kitchen.

And what does that have
to do with anything?

Well, it tells me you
have the tendency to blow

things out of proportion.

So all of these
horrible things you said

might not really even be true.

Here's a bank statement.

Uh, we're not blowing
anything out of proportion.

OK, let me ask you this.

Would you punish a little
small kid with two broken

arms and two broken legs?

Are you saying
you're that child?

Well, obviously,
I'm bigger, but yes.

I was drunk.

Whether or not I did the
things that you said I did,

I was at a disadvantage
my entire life.

Oh, come on.

Still, I'm sorry about all the
things, as you mentioned, even

though I'm not
entirely sure that they

have been accurately described.

You want more
accurate descriptions?

OK.

All right.

You spent an entire
Thanksgiving calling me

Freddie Focaccia
while force-feeding

me focaccia bread.

I don't even know how
to pronounce focaccia.

That's it.
You just did it.

You told me that
Willem Dafoe whose

name was pronounced William,
even though you knew better!

You called Experian
and politely asked

them to lower my credit score.

You added lint to
our dryer filter.

You gave us tickets
to Epcot Center that we

later found out you made.

You depleted all
of our DVR shows

and recorded 50 episodes of
"Little People, Big World."

You made us listen
to your "Shawshank

Redemption" fan fiction.

And then got mad at us when
we pointed out inaccuracies.

You changed my Twitter
handle to tiny titties

got attitude 443.

You don't even know my name.

You call me Gale Boetticher
from "Breaking Bad."

You cracked my iPhone
screen on purpose.

What is that?

What are you doing?

It's a-- it's a
finger on my stash.

I'm trying to lighten
up the situation.

Do you accept that you
did all those things?

Yes, I do, if you accept
this double mustache.

Double mustache.

I can't accept that.

This is the worst
thing he's ever done.

So what?

The client is Pool Waves?

What the heck is this, like
a room spray or eye tonic?

No, no.

You know those beach
hair sprays that

give you your hair ocean curls?

This one gives you pool waves.

That's the thing?

Here's our idea
for this brand.

Bethany Mota,
Tyler Oakley, Zoella,

Arden Rose, Tammy
What

do these people have in common?

They're all show dogs?

They're YouTube stars.

Our plan is to send Pool Waves
to the coolest of the cool.

And then have them
review it on their vlogs.

These YouTubers,
let me get this straight,

they talk to the camera
like it's their best friend,

they hold up clothes they
recently bought, and millions

of people watch and love it.

Pretty much.

Ugh, it's the first
time I ever felt old.

It's OK, it's for
16-year-olds anyways.

Oh, definitely.
Yeah.

I mean, not women
like me who went

to graduate school for
psychology and urban studies--

It's OK.

selling Pool Waves.

OK, go make it happen.

Get in touch with all
the Tanya Glamorizes

and the Tina Glitters and make
them blog about Pool Waves.

Go, go, go, go.

How do you
spell diseased?

D-I-S-E-A-S-E-D

- OK, got it.
- Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was looking if a friend
of mine has a disease.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Heather, what?

I was researching YouTubers,
and look what I found.

Whoa, is that--

Lily's the full hawker!

Look how many subs she has.

Are you joking?

Hi.

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

This is too good!

Thanks for all your comments
on the messy bun tutorial.

As you can see, I did one today.

And it only took
me 3 and 1/2 hours.

When I get down in the dumps,
you know what I like to do?

Make goofy faces.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

So this is a work clothes haul.

When I shop for work clothes,
I look for two things.

One, really cool prints.

And two, professional hemlines.

I love fall because
sweaters, sweaters!

So today we're going to
be reviewing fruit water.

It has zero calories,
which is great.

And this flavor is
watermelon punch.

I just-- it's cute.

I think watermelons are so cute.

That's how you do a
really defined brow.

As you can see, the
difference between this brow,

which is undefined, and
this brow, which is defined.

Make sure you don't leave
the house like this.

Do both of them.

She's the one.

We should have her
review Pool Waves.

And then have Arden Rose and all
our internet friends do it too.

Oh, my god, we watch
that for three hours!

Hey, guys.

What have you been doing?

Hey, you, funny
you should ask.

We were researching YouTubers,
um, for our Pool Waves launch.

We saw your vlog.

We know you're
popular on YouTube.

Very tactful approach, like
a bird into a glass door.

Thank you.

It's just something
I do in my spare time.

You guys weren't
supposed to see that.

- We love it.
- It's great.

Very you.

Super cute bubbly.

We just have one favor to ask.

We just need you to
review Pool Waves

and get your YouTuber
friends to do it too.

I would be honored.

I love the messy bun tutorial.

Thank you.

It took me a long time
to make that video.

I had to go through
so many messy buns.

Pool Waves.

Do you know I drowned once?

Yeah.

Here it is.

This will create organic
buzz for Pool Waves.

Hi, guys.
It's Lily

Thanks for checking

out my Pool Waves review.

Pool Waves!

Hey, guys.

What's up?

It's Arden Rose here
again for another video.

And I'm going to be
reviewing Pool Waves.

If you can't already
tell, it's in my hair.

It really just recreates
that chlorinated look

of what happens
to your hair right

when you get out of the pool.

Almost like YMCA,
poolside look.

Like there's
stuff in the water.

You know, there's
like a cigarette

butt left over in your hair.

The consistency of this
after it's, you know,

dried and everything is
kind of like road salt.

Mm.

I just used about--

I don't know, 17 to 18 pumps
per square inch of hair.

It's about 45 to 50 minutes.

But in the meantime,
while you're

pumping this on your
hair, you can, you know,

make yourself breakfast, you
can contemplate your life.

I did wash it four times and
it still looks like this.

Which makes me slightly
worried, but it'll be OK.

It's going to be OK.

It's going to be OK.

Pool Waves.

Funny thing is I can't swim.

Excellent!

This is really terrific!

It's young, it's
smart, it's sexy.

One question, do you think
Pool Waves really works?

Absolutely, not.

Who wants to look like
they just got out of a pool?

Ba, da, da,
da, 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in
Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with
comedian Tracy Morgan.

What's up Tracy?

How are you?

What's up, bro.

How's it going?

Good.

Please talk about
ways that you are

or are not similar to a horse.

I don't eat hay.

Yeah.

And my penis is bigger.

Right.

Please say yes or no to whether
the following adjectives

apply to you.

All right.

Enthusiastic?

Hell, yeah.

Hard-working?

Smart-working.

Smart-working, OK.

Macho?

No.

Weird?

Yeah.

Scared of escalators?

No.

A fan of showers?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, I wondered if
you do impressions

of any famous robots?

Yeah, danger Will Robinson.

R2-D2 .

And I do C-3PO.

Um, R2 has been known
to make mistakes.

Do you respect Shakespeare?

What do you think of him?
Did you have to study him?

- Who, Willy?
- Yeah.

Uh, no.

Uh, please finish
this sentence.

The one non-food item
that I wish I could eat--

A Frisbee.

Yeah.

All right.

Your antics have gotten us stuck
in a closet on another planet.

And I'm, like, your superior
officer who's real mad at you,

but also I want to
ask out your sister.

We're already on
this other planet,

and now we're stuck in a closet?

This is the last time.

You got to pay attention
when you're at the controls.

All right.
OK.

Next time I won't get
us stuck in the closet.

Eh, um, how's Stacy?

Who?

My sister?

She aight.

What she, um, what she into?

I don't know what she into,
but, Captain, this was not

my fault being in this closet.
- Right, right, right.

Yeah, yeah.
I was mad earlier.

I just wanted you to know.
Right.

I just wanted to let
you know that, Cap.

Is she like a--

a Virgo?

What's her birthday?

She's a scorpion.

Why?

Would you be super
pissed if I asked her out?

We're going to play a
game called Tracy Morgan

gives my, um, mom advice.

So I'm going to see if we
can get my mom on the phone.

She's got a car that she's
just been driving too long.

I'll explain it with her.

Hello?

Hi, mom?

Yeah.

Hi, it's Michael.

I'm here with Tracy Morgan.

Oh!

OK.

How are you doing?

Hi, Tracy, how are you?

I'm OK.

Your son's worried about
the car you're driving.

You ain't going to be satisfied
till the muffler drop out--

drop off on you in the
middle of the highway

late at night and the
werewolf come and see you.

And I don't want that
to happen to you.

Oh, thank you.

Because you sound
like a nice lady.

I am a nice lady.

So get rid of that jeep, then.

What are you guys doing?

We're in the closet.

Oh, my gosh!

All right, I'll talk
to you later, mom.

Bye, Mom.

I love that.

I know she loves that
car, but we love her more.

- You were a huge help there.
- Cos that's how--

- You were a huge help.
- Thank you.

Well, she's my mother, too.

I know.

Well, I appreciate it.

I think a lot of people
think of you as a wild card,

like you said.

But I think that's a wild
card I like being around.

Thank you.

So I've had a really great
time with 7 Minutes in Heaven

with Tracy.

The closet.

Peace.

And, um, yeah.

Come here.
- OK.

Come here.

All right.

OK, OK.
- OK?

Yes.

Oh.

Don't cry.

She's going to get
rid of that car.

Oh, yeah!

Somebody come get
us out this closet.

I'm getting claustrophobic.

Hi.

Yeah, I need the report
on my desk by 5:00.

I-- I'm going to have
to call you back.

We live our whole
lives looking straight ahead.

But now something is coming.

And it's changing the angle
at which we look at things.

This thing isn't at eye level.

It's not even a little above
eye level, like a giraffe

or a Shaquille O'Neal.

It's way, way above eye level.

And before you
ask, no, you can't

just use your eyes to look up.

You have to tilt
your whole damn head

and do some serious looking up.

I'm telling you, if you're
just looking straight ahead,

you're only going to
see this thing's feet.

And you'll be confused
like, what the heck

are those big feet doing here?

If you want to see
what those feet are

connected to, oh, buddy,
you are definitely

going to have to look up.

It's true.

If looking up were hot ham,
we'd be eating ourselves sick.

I can't see, so someone tell
me if you're all looking up.

I'm blind.

I stared at a laser pointer.

I tell you, if Oprah were
here, she'd point at you

and say you're looking
up and you're looking up,

you're all looking up.

Do you get it yet?

You got it.

I will be on my way then.