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WOMAN [ON ANSWERING
Hey, Lily.

It's me.

Listen, I need you to proofread
the press release I sent you.

And put Serena's ballet
recital on my calendar.

Oh, and before I
forget, Harry Styles

was coming by the Office today.

I'll be out but he's
coming around 11 o'clock.

Oh, and before I
forget, Harry Styles

was coming by the Office today.

I'll be-- Harry Styles
is coming by the Office--

Harry Styles
is coming by--

Harry Styles
is coming by

I-- everyone, I have an
important announcement to make.

Harry Styles from One Direction
is on his way to this office,

right now.

Harry, with the voice
of an angel, and the body

of a hot angel?

I freaking love One Direction.

For the love of
Niall, what do we do?

We seduce him.

Thank God, I went to
SoulCycle this morning.

I feel so collected.

Everyone, stay calm.

Be cool.

Be cool?

Be cool?

Have you seen my notebook?

Have you seen it?

This is by far the biggest
celeb to come to this office.

This place is a mess.

We have to clean.

I don't even know, Victoria.

Lily, what are you doing?

I need a minute.

I have to collect my thoughts.

Hello, Lily.

Would you marry me, Lily?

Yes.

Do you guys think it's weird
that I find him attractive?

I'm almost 30 and I want to
stuff my duvet with his hair.

Oh, God.
I know.

He has so many tattoos.

I find that sexy.

I want to pick him up
like a baby, a baby that'll

grow up into my husband.

Victoria, are you primping?

Shut up.
Leave me alone.

I'm busy.

Oh, he's beautiful.

Like a whole
pint-size Mick Jagger.

Page, what is that?

An offering.

We must present him with a gift.

And a virgin one for Mr.
styles, who's only 20.

I know this because I looked
up his medical records online.

You guys, I just
want to say that,

I think that this is
destiny telling us that we

are meant to be together.

Destiny is literally knocking.

Places everyone.

Go.
Go.

Go.
- Harry.

Oh, my God.

It's so messy here.

Harry Styles is here.

Hi.

I'm Harry, from Harry Styles.

I'm here to fix the
tiling in the bathroom.

Are you kidding?

Uhm, I'm sorry.

Is that a One Direction t-shirt?

Oh, yeah.

I love 1D.

I love Harry.

I love Zayed.

I love Niall.

I love Liam--

I did all those reps
for the wrong Harry.

Louis.

He is Harry.

Really?

How could this happen?

May I have this dance?

I've been waiting
for you, Lilly.

Whoa, you're an
amazing dancer, Lily.

Lily?

Lily?

Yeah.

What's up?

I think, I just--

I just died.

I just
died for a second.

In my professional opinion,
all signs point to homicide.

We found a black key
at both crime scenes.

It's a calling card.

These murders are connected.

May, I?

Yeah.

OK.

Victim appears
to be about 32 years old.

Male, obviously worked hard
on his chest and stomach.

Amazing shoulder definition,
almost like a Chris Hemsworth

type, although even more ripped
shoulders than Chris Hemsworth

OK.
I'm sorry.

What are we looking
for exactly here?

A connection.

May I?

I just said you could--
- Thank you so much.

so you don't have to keep--

Bruising on the neck and face.

Minor lacerations
on the upper arm.

Triceps definition is
in a word, enviable;

reminiscent of a
Hemsworth brother,

the middle one probably,
but hotter, more ripped.

This was a murder.

I just said it was a murder.

Homicide is murder.

It was a murder.

May I?

OK.

You don't have to
keep asking me?

You could just--

Victim's body is
tough to look at.

Obviously, he had just read
a Men's Health article,

and that Men's Health had
Chris Hemsworth on the cover.

In the article, Chris
Hemsworth talked

about the importance of Squats.

The victim has Chris
Hemsworth, thighs,

but they're
even more ripped.

I need water or I'm
going to throw up.

- And flip the body over.
- OK.

Also, no.

You cannot flip him over.

You're going to flip
them over and tell me

he has a Hemsworth ass.

OK?

That's all you're going to say.

His ass looks like
Chris Hemsworth.

Doctor, a murderer
is on the loose

and a handsome man is dead.

May I?
- No.

May I?

Oh, boy.

Let's do it.

- Let's go.
- All right.

- Lift up.
- Here we go.

Here.

Flip him counterclockwise,
maybe clockwise.

I don't know the difference,

I'm flipping him.

- Flip him one--
- I'm flipping him.

- Flip him one way and commit.
- I'm flipping him.

What do we got?

She was right.

That's a Hemsworth ass.

I'm going to go ahead
and call this one murder.

OK.

Seriously guys, who
is Chris Hemsworth?

Oh, OK.

Who is Chris Hemsworth?

And this is what
we're dealing with.

I don't even know
what to start with.

You don't know
Chris Hemsworth?

He's Thor from "Thor."

He was Black Hat
in "Black Hat."

Did you not see "Black Hat?"

Everyone should've
seen "Black Hat."

- Everyone saw a "Black Hat."
- It was quite a movie.

Very--
- Huge hit.

Huge hit.
He was Rush in "Rush."

- What?
- Yeah.

You know, Rush from "Rush?"

Rush, that was Hemsworth.

Have you seen, Rush?

You know what, I
don't see movies.

I don't see movies.

You
don't see movies?

- What is that?
- Who does that?

Who doesn't see movies?
- Why don't you see movies?

I'm getting security.

Don't you move with your
express clearance ties.

OK?

Like your men's
warehouse coupon.

Come on, is that even
leather, pleather?

Really?

I'm so angry.

Is this even the way out?

What the is this?

I think she did it.

Oh, yeah.

Can everybody say
social media stalking.

Social Media stalking.

Today.

We're going to read
"The Little Detective

and Her Magical Computer."

The little detective
opened her magical computer

and went to Facebook.

Uh, oh-oh.

What's this?

A passport photo of
the little detective's

yucky ex-roommate Claire?

She looks like a witch.

And she can't pull off bangs.

Okey-dokey.

But where is Claire going?

Who is she going with?

What about her job?

The little detective
had her case.

Off to LinkedIn where
no one has a career gap.

Oh, no.

Claire's LinkedIn
was frozen in time.

Fear, not.

Nothing stops this
little detective.

Away to Instagram.

What do you guys
think Ms. Jessie

should put on her Instagram?

I think that you should
put your photos on Instagram.

OK.

Same thing as her.

Thank you, will do.

Now, the little detective found
something unusual on Instagram.

There's another witch.

Right.

And this was the
biggest witch of all.

Uh, double trouble.

Claire and the little
detective's other ex-roommate,

Deena were in matching
travel backpacks.

Backpacks I got them three
years ago for Christmas.

And you want to know
what they got me?

What?

The cold shoulder for
asking them to pack and smoke

their bowl on the terrace.

What if I asked you to pack and
smoke your bowl on the terrace,

wouldn't you be like
sure, Ms. Jessie.

Thank you, Ms. Jessie,
for just letting

me pack and smoke my bowl?

Yeah.

I know you don't do
it, but you're not weird.

Thank you.

A lot of people who don't do
it are weird, and I'm not.

I just don't do it.

The little detective
whipped out her trusty phone

and pressed on her
secret weapon, Venmo.

Venmo is a money-sharing app.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

You don't have money.

I like money.

Shh.

Three emojis crack
the case wide open;

A plane, a mountain, and a
heart next to the word Peru.

She went to Peru.

The case was solved.

Claire and Deena are going
to kill each other in Peru.

The end.

What?

So what's the takeaway?

What can we learn from this?

Maybe that we don't need
ungrateful selfish stoners

in our life.

I'm sure of that.

Also, if I accidentally
take your cashew milk,

it doesn't mean I hate you.

It doesn't mean I don't listen.

It doesn't mean
we're not friends.

It doesn't mean
that you should plan

a trip with our other
roommate, and not tell me.

It's like crazy
that you'd think,

oh, I'm not affected by that.

Like, oh, she'll be fine.

Or like oh, my God, she's
going to check her Instagram.

Like, you, you almost know
I'm going to check.

Like you almost post
it and you know.

And you see it happen, you
go, oh, it won't be me.

I'm not going to
have that happen.

It's like, no, you are going
to be stabbed in the back

by friends because you did--

Tomorrow in the
reading nook, we're

reading "The Little
Beggar and Her Failing

Kickstarter Campaign."

That one's a sad one.

That one's going to be sad.

My name is Jenessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach, who's
helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

What-- how can I help you out?

First of all, the
Madden brothers

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Brothers--

Very-- that's your
project right now.

And it's a very creative name.

I'm just wondering, where
you came up with it?

The womb.

We're brothers
and it's a band.

That's how long we've
been working on this one.

Well, as much as, you know,
I think that people are going

to listen to that name
and be like, whoa,

these guys are
creative and artistic.

I think that they're
not going to think that.

Well, here's the thing.

I'll tell you, you have a very
good point, but we're here.

We can't change the past.

I mean--

People say stuff
like that to me a lot.

And I don't totally understand
what they're saying.

So I see that you
guys were coaches

on the Australian
version of the "Voice."

So finally, that's some
good marketing for the band.

I'm just wondering who are
some of the great mentors Down

Under?

Are they like the bassist
from fastball or like one

of the Spice Girls or?

One of the Spice Girls
was on "The Voice" kids.

OK.

Mel B was.

People say that I
look like her a lot.

You could be a Spice Girl.

- Oh, thank you.
- You could be Smart Spice.

- I'll tell you what I want.
- Yeah.

You don't have to
sing Spice Girls.

We all know the song
that you're referencing.

What I want is for my
ex-husband, Darren, to like

stop calling me a stalker.

So one thing I like about you
guys is that you're both kind

of with someone famous
and that's a great way

to get into the hot papes.

Yeah.

You know, I was actually
going to ask you

for some advice in this area.

About like the hot papes,
or like getting in the Lloyds?

Just-- you know when you just
want to say like, no comment.

Or like--

Pretend that I'm you, and
ask me about any of that stuff.

- How is your relationship?
- Nope.

OK.

I like that.

Was the holidays' good at home?

No.

Oh, your kids they--

No.

OK.

I'm going to read some of
the lyrics from your song,

"We Are Done."

I want you to know,
it's time to go.

Yeah, we are done.

Done, done done, done,
done, done, done.

We are done.

Done, done, done, done, done.

Was that ghost written
by my ex Darren?

I get where
you're going with it

because it does sound
like a breakup song,

and Darren broke up with you.

That's just a happy accident.

Follow me on this.

Do we call the song we are done
probably, but there's a chance

that we aren't?

How about if we just change
it between the three of us?

For example, like, we--

We could repress the album.

I would love that.

Or we could, it could be
our little kind of code.

Like all of us have
gotten notes today that

are really going to help us.

You know.
- Yeah.

- For sure.
- Keep that name.

Keep your lyrics.

Keep the stuff if you want
to, but I hope I provided you

with some great alternatives
if you want to go back in there

and kind of change some stuff.

It's just the Madden brothers,
just because that's who we are.

So if we started another band,

Like if you started another
band, it would be like,

Ben Jovi or something.

Like Bon Jovi?

But Ben Joe Vi.

- Ben Ji and Joe.
- Ben Joe-Vi.

Ben and Joe.
Ben Joe-Vi.

I get it.
That's cool

I might start
calling you guys that.

And then if people get
confused, good, let them.

Welcome back to News 19.

I'm Jackie Brooks
here with Ted Johnson.

Breaking news,
a riot broke out

just moments ago in front of
the downtown courthouse steps.

It is thought to be a reaction
to the not guilty verdict

in the case against City
Councilman Alex Wallach, who

was accused of embezzling
hundreds of thousands

of dollars from the
city's taxpayers.

We now go live on
location with News

19's, Brandon Callahan.

Brandon,

Oh, thank you, Ted.

Thank you, Jackie.

I'm here live on
location in my car

en route to the
downtown courthouse.

I stopped at Target
real quick because I

had some stuff to return.

I had it in the car, I
thought, why not get this done.

You know, check
that off the list.

It won't take too long.

Cut two, there's a line and
some woman is trying to return

yogurt without a receipt.

Brandon, where are you?

Thank you, Jackie.

Right now, I'm in the vicinity
of the downtown courthouse,

where tempers are flaring.

Traffic is a B-word, OK.

Pardon my use of the alphabet.

But--

real close.
Dam it!

I missed my turn.

I missed my turn.

You know what, go.

Just go to another story,
go to another story

and come back to me and
then, wait, can I turn here?

I will find out.

It seems Brandon
is having just

a little bit of difficulty.

We'll jump back to him
right after this next story.

Alameda man,
Ricardo Rivas, was

surprised late last
night by a family

of raccoons in his kitchen.

Oh, yes.

I was telling you
about my babysitter.

Donna, she would make me--
- What is that?

take showers with her.

And she would--

I think we're
still hearing Brandon

Callahan's audio feedback.

Could someone in
the control room

do something about that, please?

She
called her breasts babies.

So weird.

And she would say
soap up, my babies.

Brandon, soap up my babies.

I know.
- Brandon you're on.

It's weird.
- Brandon, you're on.

But you
know, it wasn't traumatic.

We can hear you, Brandon.

It wasn't traumatic
because she was

just like this big sad woman.

And-- are we on?
I think we're on.

I see the light.
It's a Ted?

Jackie?
Thank you, Ted.

Thank you, Jackie.

I'm here at the
downtown courthouse.

I'm just looking for parking.

I'm circling.

In the meantime, I
found this tweet,

people are talking about
the riot on Twitter.

Someone wrote, "dis
riot, be cray-cray.

Ain't nobody got
time for dat, Lolz."

with a z.

So the people are speaking out.

This not guilty verdict is not
and will not be taken lightly.

Wait, there's a spot.

OK.
Go.

Go.

Go-- jump to the next one.
That's my spot.

Go.

Go.

While Brandon parks his
car, we're going to catch

up with entertainment news.

Lady Gaga is in the news.

She paid a visit to
one of the littlest

of her little monsters,
six-year-old Kendall

Madigan of Huntington Beach.

Kendall underwent
heart surgery recently.

discovered shortly
after she was born.

Kendall wrote a letter
to Lady Gaga saying--

You can tell.

she was nervous
about the surgery.

And that she hoped she could be
just like her when she grew up.

I'm hearing now that
Brandon Callahan has finally

made his way to the courthouse.

Brandon,
- Thank you, Ted.

Thank you, Jackie.

I'm here live on location at
the downtown courthouse, where

things have just died down.

The riot is now over.

Oops.

But I think that's a good thing
because I'm against violence.

Also, I'm wearing
a pirate shirt.

This morning I was rushing
around and what I thought

was a white button-down
that I grabbed,

was actually this pirate
shirt from two Halloweens ago,

when I was a pirate.

However, just moments ago behind
me, citizens and protesters

were outraged at the not
guilty verdict of City

Councilman Alex Wallach.

This outrage soon turned to
violence before the police

could step in and break it up.

Now, it's all over.

But the energy is still
here in the aftermath.

I feel tension.

I feel passion.

I can smell the permanent
marker on the protest signs.

There's still a lot of
energy here, it's palpable.

For News 19, I'm
Brandon Callahan.

I felt
like that went well.

Do you want to go
get Korean barbecue?

I guess, it's all we
have for you tonight.

You want
to have Korean barbecue?

You haven't had Korean
barbecue are you kidding me?

And I'm Jackie.

You go.

It's delicious.

It's like seasoned meats.

You go in, and you sit there.

And they just bring you meat.

You mean, it's
like, what's this?

I don't know.
And you just keep eating meat.

Throughout
human history,

there have been
legendary assholes.

Many will be remembered, Hitler,
Stalin, my step-dad, Rick.

But today, we honor the
forgotten assholes of history.

The Catholic
Church is certainly

not a stranger to assholes.

And I'm not talking about altar
boys, you filthy monsters.

Countless terrible atrocities
have been done in its name,

from the Spanish
Inquisition to Mel Gibson's,

"The Passion of the Christ."

But this story that I'm
about to tell you really

blows all that other bullshit
theory right out of the water,

just in terms of ballsiness
and pure medieval psychopathy.

So gather round boys and
girls, whilst I tell you

the story of Pope Benedict IX.

OK, so this all
started in 1032 AD.

Benedict came from a
powerful aristocratic family

and two of his uncles
had been Pope before him.

So obviously when the
previous Pope died,

his father just gave him the
papacy because apparently

inheriting, in a
sensibly elected position

was just a thing that
you could do back then.

Unlike, today obviously.

Benedict was at this
point, 20 years old.

But that doesn't really
excuse his behavior,

which was bad, real bad.

Pretty much, as soon as
he was anointed Pope,

Benedict IX set upon a
fantastically extensive program

of debauchery.

He committed multiple
rapes, adultery, and murder.

And he held regular orgies
in the papal palace,

primarily with men.

Ahh! the scandal.

It really is astonishing
that in just 1,000 years,

Christianity went from turn the
other cheek to--

oh, turn the other cheek.

So anyway, this behavior
continued for 12 years, when

he was kicked out of
Rome and a new Pope

was elected in his place.

Now, I feel like,
at this point, most

people would say to
themselves, oh, you know what?

I'm 32 I've been living this
crazy Pope life for a while.

Maybe it's time to
settle down, see

what it's like to have an orgy
in the comfort of my own home.

But our boy Benedict
doesn't do this.

No.

Instead, he summons up an army
and reclaims the papal palace.

I sort of have this image
of him walking through,

going, oh I screwed
on that chair.

I screwed on that couch.

I screwed up in
that window sill.

Oh, look, a new chaise
lounge somebody

bring me a nubile young buddy.

So he just carries on like
this for another year,

until he decided
to straight up sell

the papacy to his godfather.

That is crazy.

No other Pope has ever sold
his office, even the Medici's.

and they for real had those
rings with poison in them.

And not only that, a year
later, Benedict changed his mind

and returned to Rome again.

Honest, who was even
giving this kid an army?

Eventually, the
German King stepped in

and replaced all three
popes with Clement II,

who died almost immediately.

Benedict came back
again and then

was finally excommunicated.

Now, obviously, there's
a lot going on here,

and nobody comes out of
it looking super great.

But for me, the real
asshole in this story

is the father who gave him
the papacy in the first place.

It's like that one
awful rich kid at school

who got a brand new BMW as soon
as he passes his driving test.

I mean, sure.

Technically he drove
it drunk and then

crashed into the German's.

He's really to blame
when we get down to it.

So peace be with you
Benedict the 9th,

and may you never be forgotten
as the Pope that made the Nazi

Pope look good in comparison.

Oh, his name was Benedict too.

That's so much fun.

I was fulfilling
my dream of living

by myself in New York City.

Then, my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job
and my short husband

to come move to New York City
and teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

- And I'm Bernice.
- And we're--

Living in the city.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

Reception in New
York is the worst.

I don't know who put the
satellites up that are supposed

to beam voices to
my phone, but they

did a stupid idiot job of it.

Ahh.

Can you call my phone?

It's broken.

Oh.

What makes you think
it's not working?

Because I haven't
received a call in a week.

Oh.

Are you sure
anybody's calling you?

Please.

Yes, don't be naive.

Everybody's calling me.

My old work, my husband
trying to get back with me.

Everybody wants a piece of this.

OK, calling you right now.

See, it's broken
just like I thought.

Yay.

It works.

That doesn't make sense.

Do you want me to try
calling it from the landline?

Yes, do.

That was a coincidence.

That was a fluke,
fluke of nature.

The cell rays were
probably just bouncing

off some silver in the clouds.

See, no--

The good news is you
haven't been missing anything.

Don't hang up.

I want to take this.

Always wait three rings.

So they know you're important.

Yo, boo.

Hi, I'm calling from the moon.

What are you doing?

You're not on the moon.

Listen to me.

It's a coincidence that my
phone started working right now.

My phone's been
broken for a week,

and that's what we're
going to tell everybody.

Understand?

I'll tell all my moon friends.

You don't have
any moon friends.

There's no friends
for you on the moon.

And even if there
were, you'd alienate

them with your bullshit.

There's too much cheese here.

The moon is made of cheese.

Stop it.
Stop it.

You're not on the moon.

Admit it.

Admit that you're
not on the moon.

I could jump so high here.

Stop saying this.

People are probably trying
to call me right now.

Ah.
Ah.

Ah.

Come here, give me a hug.

OK, there we go.

Now I want you to text
me and say I love you.

So I know my phone isn't
blocking that phrase.