Original subtitles

To play your message, press three.

WOMAN [ON ANSWERING Hey, Lily.

It's me.

Listen, I need you to proofread the press release I sent you.

And put Serena's ballet recital on my calendar.

Oh, and before I forget, Harry Styles

was coming by the Office today.

I'll be out but he's coming around 11 o'clock.

Oh, and before I forget, Harry Styles

was coming by the Office today.

I'll be-- Harry Styles is coming by the Office--

Harry Styles is coming by--

Harry Styles is coming by

I-- everyone, I have an important announcement to make.

Harry Styles from One Direction is on his way to this office,

right now.

Harry, with the voice of an angel, and the body

of a hot angel?

I freaking love One Direction.

For the love of Niall, what do we do?

We seduce him.

Thank God, I went to SoulCycle this morning.

I feel so collected.

Everyone, stay calm.

Be cool.

Be cool?

Be cool?

Have you seen my notebook?

Have you seen it?

This is by far the biggest celeb to come to this office.

This place is a mess.

We have to clean.

I don't even know, Victoria.

Lily, what are you doing?

I need a minute.

I have to collect my thoughts.

Hello, Lily.

Would you marry me, Lily?

Yes.

Do you guys think it's weird that I find him attractive?

I'm almost 30 and I want to stuff my duvet with his hair.

Oh, God. I know.

He has so many tattoos.

I find that sexy.

I want to pick him up like a baby, a baby that'll

grow up into my husband.

Victoria, are you primping?

Shut up. Leave me alone.

I'm busy.

Oh, he's beautiful.

Like a whole pint-size Mick Jagger.

Page, what is that?

An offering.

We must present him with a gift.

And a virgin one for Mr. styles, who's only 20.

I know this because I looked up his medical records online.

You guys, I just want to say that,

I think that this is destiny telling us that we

are meant to be together.

Destiny is literally knocking.

Places everyone.

Go. Go.

Go. - Harry.

Oh, my God.

It's so messy here.

Harry Styles is here.

Hi.

I'm Harry, from Harry Styles.

I'm here to fix the tiling in the bathroom.

Are you kidding?

Uhm, I'm sorry.

Is that a One Direction t-shirt?

Oh, yeah.

I love 1D.

I love Harry.

I love Zayed.

I love Niall.

I love Liam--

I did all those reps for the wrong Harry.

Louis.

He is Harry.

Really?

How could this happen?

May I have this dance?

I've been waiting for you, Lilly.

Whoa, you're an amazing dancer, Lily.

Lily?

Lily?

Yeah.

What's up?

I think, I just--

I just died.

I just died for a second.

In my professional opinion, all signs point to homicide.

We found a black key at both crime scenes.

It's a calling card.

These murders are connected.

May, I?

Yeah.

OK.

Victim appears to be about 32 years old.

Male, obviously worked hard on his chest and stomach.

Amazing shoulder definition, almost like a Chris Hemsworth

type, although even more ripped shoulders than Chris Hemsworth

OK. I'm sorry.

What are we looking for exactly here?

A connection.

May I?

I just said you could-- - Thank you so much.

so you don't have to keep--

Bruising on the neck and face.

Minor lacerations on the upper arm.

Triceps definition is in a word, enviable;

reminiscent of a Hemsworth brother,

the middle one probably, but hotter, more ripped.

This was a murder.

I just said it was a murder.

Homicide is murder.

It was a murder.

May I?

OK.

You don't have to keep asking me?

You could just--

Victim's body is tough to look at.

Obviously, he had just read a Men's Health article,

and that Men's Health had Chris Hemsworth on the cover.

In the article, Chris Hemsworth talked

about the importance of Squats.

The victim has Chris Hemsworth, thighs,

but they're even more ripped.

I need water or I'm going to throw up.

- And flip the body over. - OK.

Also, no.

You cannot flip him over.

You're going to flip them over and tell me

he has a Hemsworth ass.

OK?

That's all you're going to say.

His ass looks like Chris Hemsworth.

Doctor, a murderer is on the loose

and a handsome man is dead.

May I? - No.

May I?

Oh, boy.

Let's do it.

- Let's go. - All right.

- Lift up. - Here we go.

Here.

Flip him counterclockwise, maybe clockwise.

I don't know the difference,

I'm flipping him.

- Flip him one-- - I'm flipping him.

- Flip him one way and commit. - I'm flipping him.

What do we got?

She was right.

That's a Hemsworth ass.

I'm going to go ahead and call this one murder.

OK.

Seriously guys, who is Chris Hemsworth?

Oh, OK.

Who is Chris Hemsworth?

And this is what we're dealing with.

I don't even know what to start with.

You don't know Chris Hemsworth?

He's Thor from "Thor."

He was Black Hat in "Black Hat."

Did you not see "Black Hat?"

Everyone should've seen "Black Hat."

- Everyone saw a "Black Hat." - It was quite a movie.

Very-- - Huge hit.

Huge hit. He was Rush in "Rush."

- What? - Yeah.

You know, Rush from "Rush?"

Rush, that was Hemsworth.

Have you seen, Rush?

You know what, I don't see movies.

I don't see movies.

You don't see movies?

- What is that? - Who does that?

Who doesn't see movies? - Why don't you see movies?

I'm getting security.

Don't you move with your express clearance ties.

OK?

Like your men's warehouse coupon.

Come on, is that even leather, pleather?

Really?

I'm so angry.

Is this even the way out?

What the is this?

I think she did it.

Oh, yeah.

Can everybody say social media stalking.

Social Media stalking.

Today.

We're going to read "The Little Detective

and Her Magical Computer."

The little detective opened her magical computer

and went to Facebook.

Uh, oh-oh.

What's this?

A passport photo of the little detective's

yucky ex-roommate Claire?

She looks like a witch.

And she can't pull off bangs.

Okey-dokey.

But where is Claire going?

Who is she going with?

What about her job?

The little detective had her case.

Off to LinkedIn where no one has a career gap.

Oh, no.

Claire's LinkedIn was frozen in time.

Fear, not.

Nothing stops this little detective.

Away to Instagram.

What do you guys think Ms. Jessie

should put on her Instagram?

I think that you should put your photos on Instagram.

OK.

Same thing as her.

Thank you, will do.

Now, the little detective found something unusual on Instagram.

There's another witch.

Right.

And this was the biggest witch of all.

Uh, double trouble.

Claire and the little detective's other ex-roommate,

Deena were in matching travel backpacks.

Backpacks I got them three years ago for Christmas.

And you want to know what they got me?

What?

The cold shoulder for asking them to pack and smoke

their bowl on the terrace.

What if I asked you to pack and smoke your bowl on the terrace,

wouldn't you be like sure, Ms. Jessie.

Thank you, Ms. Jessie, for just letting

me pack and smoke my bowl?

Yeah.

I know you don't do it, but you're not weird.

Thank you.

A lot of people who don't do it are weird, and I'm not.

I just don't do it.

The little detective whipped out her trusty phone

and pressed on her secret weapon, Venmo.

Venmo is a money-sharing app.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

You don't have money.

I like money.

Shh.

Three emojis crack the case wide open;

A plane, a mountain, and a heart next to the word Peru.

She went to Peru.

The case was solved.

Claire and Deena are going to kill each other in Peru.

The end.

What?

So what's the takeaway?

What can we learn from this?

Maybe that we don't need ungrateful selfish stoners

in our life.

I'm sure of that.

Also, if I accidentally take your cashew milk,

it doesn't mean I hate you.

It doesn't mean I don't listen.

It doesn't mean we're not friends.

It doesn't mean that you should plan

a trip with our other roommate, and not tell me.

It's like crazy that you'd think,

oh, I'm not affected by that.

Like, oh, she'll be fine.

Or like oh, my God, she's going to check her Instagram.

Like, you, you almost know I'm going to check.

Like you almost post it and you know.

And you see it happen, you go, oh, it won't be me.

I'm not going to have that happen.

It's like, no, you are going to be stabbed in the back

by friends because you did--

Tomorrow in the reading nook, we're

reading "The Little Beggar and Her Failing

Kickstarter Campaign."

That one's a sad one.

That one's going to be sad.

My name is Jenessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach, who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

What-- how can I help you out?

First of all, the Madden brothers

- Yes. - Yeah.

Brothers--

Very-- that's your project right now.

And it's a very creative name.

I'm just wondering, where you came up with it?

The womb.

We're brothers and it's a band.

That's how long we've been working on this one.

Well, as much as, you know, I think that people are going

to listen to that name and be like, whoa,

these guys are creative and artistic.

I think that they're not going to think that.

Well, here's the thing.

I'll tell you, you have a very good point, but we're here.

We can't change the past.

I mean--

People say stuff like that to me a lot.

And I don't totally understand what they're saying.

So I see that you guys were coaches

on the Australian version of the "Voice."

So finally, that's some good marketing for the band.

I'm just wondering who are some of the great mentors Down

Under?

Are they like the bassist from fastball or like one

of the Spice Girls or?

One of the Spice Girls was on "The Voice" kids.

OK.

Mel B was.

People say that I look like her a lot.

You could be a Spice Girl.

- Oh, thank you. - You could be Smart Spice.

- I'll tell you what I want. - Yeah.

You don't have to sing Spice Girls.

We all know the song that you're referencing.

What I want is for my ex-husband, Darren, to like

stop calling me a stalker.

So one thing I like about you guys is that you're both kind

of with someone famous and that's a great way

to get into the hot papes.

Yeah.

You know, I was actually going to ask you

for some advice in this area.

About like the hot papes, or like getting in the Lloyds?

Just-- you know when you just want to say like, no comment.

Or like--

Pretend that I'm you, and ask me about any of that stuff.

- How is your relationship? - Nope.

OK.

I like that.

Was the holidays' good at home?

No.

Oh, your kids they--

No.

OK.

I'm going to read some of the lyrics from your song,

"We Are Done."

I want you to know, it's time to go.

Yeah, we are done.

Done, done done, done, done, done, done.

We are done.

Done, done, done, done, done.

Was that ghost written by my ex Darren?

I get where you're going with it

because it does sound like a breakup song,

and Darren broke up with you.

That's just a happy accident.

Follow me on this.

Do we call the song we are done probably, but there's a chance

that we aren't?

How about if we just change it between the three of us?

For example, like, we--

We could repress the album.

I would love that.

Or we could, it could be our little kind of code.

Like all of us have gotten notes today that

are really going to help us.

You know. - Yeah.

- For sure. - Keep that name.

Keep your lyrics.

Keep the stuff if you want to, but I hope I provided you

with some great alternatives if you want to go back in there

and kind of change some stuff.

It's just the Madden brothers, just because that's who we are.

So if we started another band,

Like if you started another band, it would be like,

Ben Jovi or something.

Like Bon Jovi?

But Ben Joe Vi.

- Ben Ji and Joe. - Ben Joe-Vi.

Ben and Joe. Ben Joe-Vi.

I get it. That's cool

I might start calling you guys that.

And then if people get confused, good, let them.

Welcome back to News 19.

I'm Jackie Brooks here with Ted Johnson.

Breaking news, a riot broke out

just moments ago in front of the downtown courthouse steps.

It is thought to be a reaction to the not guilty verdict

in the case against City Councilman Alex Wallach, who

was accused of embezzling hundreds of thousands

of dollars from the city's taxpayers.

We now go live on location with News

19's, Brandon Callahan.

Brandon,

Oh, thank you, Ted.

Thank you, Jackie.

I'm here live on location in my car

en route to the downtown courthouse.

I stopped at Target real quick because I

had some stuff to return.

I had it in the car, I thought, why not get this done.

You know, check that off the list.

It won't take too long.

Cut two, there's a line and some woman is trying to return

yogurt without a receipt.

Brandon, where are you?

Thank you, Jackie.

Right now, I'm in the vicinity of the downtown courthouse,

where tempers are flaring.

Traffic is a B-word, OK.

Pardon my use of the alphabet.

But--

real close. Dam it!

I missed my turn.

I missed my turn.

You know what, go.

Just go to another story, go to another story

and come back to me and then, wait, can I turn here?

I will find out.

It seems Brandon is having just

a little bit of difficulty.

We'll jump back to him right after this next story.

Alameda man, Ricardo Rivas, was

surprised late last night by a family

of raccoons in his kitchen.

Oh, yes.

I was telling you about my babysitter.

Donna, she would make me-- - What is that?

take showers with her.

And she would--

I think we're still hearing Brandon

Callahan's audio feedback.

Could someone in the control room

do something about that, please?

She called her breasts babies.

So weird.

And she would say soap up, my babies.

Brandon, soap up my babies.

I know. - Brandon you're on.

It's weird. - Brandon, you're on.

But you know, it wasn't traumatic.

We can hear you, Brandon.

It wasn't traumatic because she was

just like this big sad woman.

And-- are we on? I think we're on.

I see the light. It's a Ted?

Jackie? Thank you, Ted.

Thank you, Jackie.

I'm here at the downtown courthouse.

I'm just looking for parking.

I'm circling.

In the meantime, I found this tweet,

people are talking about the riot on Twitter.

Someone wrote, "dis riot, be cray-cray.

Ain't nobody got time for dat, Lolz."

with a z.

So the people are speaking out.

This not guilty verdict is not and will not be taken lightly.

Wait, there's a spot.

OK. Go.

Go.

Go-- jump to the next one. That's my spot.

Go.

Go.

While Brandon parks his car, we're going to catch

up with entertainment news.

Lady Gaga is in the news.

She paid a visit to one of the littlest

of her little monsters, six-year-old Kendall

Madigan of Huntington Beach.

Kendall underwent heart surgery recently.

discovered shortly after she was born.

Kendall wrote a letter to Lady Gaga saying--

You can tell.

she was nervous about the surgery.

And that she hoped she could be just like her when she grew up.

I'm hearing now that Brandon Callahan has finally

made his way to the courthouse.

Brandon, - Thank you, Ted.

Thank you, Jackie.

I'm here live on location at the downtown courthouse, where

things have just died down.

The riot is now over.

Oops.

But I think that's a good thing because I'm against violence.

Also, I'm wearing a pirate shirt.

This morning I was rushing around and what I thought

was a white button-down that I grabbed,

was actually this pirate shirt from two Halloweens ago,

when I was a pirate.

However, just moments ago behind me, citizens and protesters

were outraged at the not guilty verdict of City

Councilman Alex Wallach.

This outrage soon turned to violence before the police

could step in and break it up.

Now, it's all over.

But the energy is still here in the aftermath.

I feel tension.

I feel passion.

I can smell the permanent marker on the protest signs.

There's still a lot of energy here, it's palpable.

For News 19, I'm Brandon Callahan.

I felt like that went well.

Do you want to go get Korean barbecue?

I guess, it's all we have for you tonight.

You want to have Korean barbecue?

You haven't had Korean barbecue are you kidding me?

And I'm Jackie.

You go.

It's delicious.

It's like seasoned meats.

You go in, and you sit there.

And they just bring you meat.

You mean, it's like, what's this?

I don't know. And you just keep eating meat.

Throughout human history,

there have been legendary assholes.

Many will be remembered, Hitler, Stalin, my step-dad, Rick.

But today, we honor the forgotten assholes of history.

The Catholic Church is certainly

not a stranger to assholes.

And I'm not talking about altar boys, you filthy monsters.

Countless terrible atrocities have been done in its name,

from the Spanish Inquisition to Mel Gibson's,

"The Passion of the Christ."

But this story that I'm about to tell you really

blows all that other bullshit theory right out of the water,

just in terms of ballsiness and pure medieval psychopathy.

So gather round boys and girls, whilst I tell you

the story of Pope Benedict IX.

OK, so this all started in 1032 AD.

Benedict came from a powerful aristocratic family

and two of his uncles had been Pope before him.

So obviously when the previous Pope died,

his father just gave him the papacy because apparently

inheriting, in a sensibly elected position

was just a thing that you could do back then.

Unlike, today obviously.

Benedict was at this point, 20 years old.

But that doesn't really excuse his behavior,

which was bad, real bad.

Pretty much, as soon as he was anointed Pope,

Benedict IX set upon a fantastically extensive program

of debauchery.

He committed multiple rapes, adultery, and murder.

And he held regular orgies in the papal palace,

primarily with men.

Ahh! the scandal.

It really is astonishing that in just 1,000 years,

Christianity went from turn the other cheek to--

oh, turn the other cheek.

So anyway, this behavior continued for 12 years, when

he was kicked out of Rome and a new Pope

was elected in his place.

Now, I feel like, at this point, most

people would say to themselves, oh, you know what?

I'm 32 I've been living this crazy Pope life for a while.

Maybe it's time to settle down, see

what it's like to have an orgy in the comfort of my own home.

But our boy Benedict doesn't do this.

No.

Instead, he summons up an army and reclaims the papal palace.

I sort of have this image of him walking through,

going, oh I screwed on that chair.

I screwed on that couch.

I screwed up in that window sill.

Oh, look, a new chaise lounge somebody

bring me a nubile young buddy.

So he just carries on like this for another year,

until he decided to straight up sell

the papacy to his godfather.

That is crazy.

No other Pope has ever sold his office, even the Medici's.

and they for real had those rings with poison in them.

And not only that, a year later, Benedict changed his mind

and returned to Rome again.

Honest, who was even giving this kid an army?

Eventually, the German King stepped in

and replaced all three popes with Clement II,

who died almost immediately.

Benedict came back again and then

was finally excommunicated.

Now, obviously, there's a lot going on here,

and nobody comes out of it looking super great.

But for me, the real asshole in this story

is the father who gave him the papacy in the first place.

It's like that one awful rich kid at school

who got a brand new BMW as soon as he passes his driving test.

I mean, sure.

Technically he drove it drunk and then

crashed into the German's.

He's really to blame when we get down to it.

So peace be with you Benedict the 9th,

and may you never be forgotten as the Pope that made the Nazi

Pope look good in comparison.

Oh, his name was Benedict too.

That's so much fun.

I was fulfilling my dream of living

by myself in New York City.

Then, my sister moved in.

I left my stupid job and my short husband

to come move to New York City and teach my sister the ropes.

I'm Belle.

- And I'm Bernice. - And we're--

Living in the city.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm just trying to think.

Reception in New York is the worst.

I don't know who put the satellites up that are supposed

to beam voices to my phone, but they

did a stupid idiot job of it.

Ahh.

Can you call my phone?

It's broken.

Oh.

What makes you think it's not working?

Because I haven't received a call in a week.

Oh.

Are you sure anybody's calling you?

Please.

Yes, don't be naive.

Everybody's calling me.

My old work, my husband trying to get back with me.

Everybody wants a piece of this.

OK, calling you right now.

See, it's broken just like I thought.

Yay.

It works.

That doesn't make sense.

Do you want me to try calling it from the landline?

Yes, do.

That was a coincidence.

That was a fluke, fluke of nature.

The cell rays were probably just bouncing

off some silver in the clouds.

See, no--

The good news is you haven't been missing anything.

Don't hang up.

I want to take this.

Always wait three rings.

So they know you're important.

Yo, boo.

Hi, I'm calling from the moon.

What are you doing?

You're not on the moon.

Listen to me.

It's a coincidence that my phone started working right now.

My phone's been broken for a week,

and that's what we're going to tell everybody.

Understand?

I'll tell all my moon friends.

You don't have any moon friends.

There's no friends for you on the moon.

And even if there were, you'd alienate

them with your bullshit.

There's too much cheese here.

The moon is made of cheese.

Stop it. Stop it.

You're not on the moon.

Admit it.

Admit that you're not on the moon.

I could jump so high here.

Stop saying this.

People are probably trying to call me right now.

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

Come here, give me a hug.

OK, there we go.

Now I want you to text me and say I love you.

So I know my phone isn't blocking that phrase.