Original subtitles

Oh, Matt Bomer. Hey, how are you doing?

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, Rob King, your biggest fan.

Oh, hey, Rob.

I-- I just watched the pilot for "The Last Tycoon"

and it's--

Oh, oh, cool.

Old Hollywood, old Hollywood, it's gl-- it's fan-- glamorous.

Good. Thanks, man.

- Yeah. - It's good to meet you.

Wait! Actually, hey, wait.

While you're here, um, and you're--

gosh, uh, can I ask you some questions?

Sure, yeah.

I-- yeah. - Yeah, cool.

OK, cool.

Uh, your new show, "The Last Tycoon,"

is based on an unfinished F. Scott Fitzgerald novel.

To be a tycoon of something, do you have to have

a jawline that can cut glass?

You tell me?

I mean, you've got--

got a pretty strong jawline yourself, man.

It's only accentuated by that beautiful facial hair

you got going on, so--

I'm so nervous.

Why? Don't be nervous.

No, I mean--

Your skin is, like, man, you have beautiful skin.

Oh, god.

Do you want to do like a face-off situation?

That's awkward, I should-- but if you do, it's--

It's not awkward at all.

We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it.

Oh, yeah.

Let's-- let's keep going.

You did the "Magic Mike" movies.

Yeah.

I use-- I used to be a stripper like you.

- Really? - Yeah.

I kind of-- I just--

I lost my confidence.

That's terrible.

Is there something that you say to yourself to, like,

help you be confident? Do you just--

Like a mantra?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you have a-- yeah.

Yeah.

Am a beacon of light.

Yes, you are.

Here to bring nuggets of joy, knowledge,

and inspiration to every human being I encounter.

Mm. - Mm.

Let it sink in.

Um,

how much of success is being genetically perfect?

I-- I wouldn't know.

Do you not own yours?

I see you as perfect.

Wow.

Here, let me get this for you.

It's in the right order.

Did we just have a meet-cute?

I think we did.

I should go.

Yeah, I should too.

We'll always have the water cooler.

And our mantra.

I'm a beacon of light.

It all starts with our philosophy.

We are 100% focused on quality and flavor.

And that means that we're never going to make as much beer

as the big guys.

We believe smaller is better.

And that's why I started my nanobrewery.

Microbrewers can focus on making each bottle taste good,

but we can focus on making each sip taste great.

Because that's all you need, is just one sip.

So, uh, come with me right this way and I

will give you a tour of the facilities.

So this is where it all happens.

This is a thimble of barley, this is half a hops.

The big tanks just came with the building.

We just use them for water.

I drink it.

We also have a truck for distribution

to over a dozen local bars.

In our tap room, most of our customers

order a flight so they can sample

all of our unique flavors.

This is a pine cone pilsner.

This one is bourbon coffee Belgian chocolate oatmeal

stout.

And this one is Brewer's choice, which

is just a beer that tastes bad, but it's my favorite.

It's possible to get another one, is it?

Yeah, uh, that's going to be another $7.

And we find that everything is better when it's smaller,

so we pair our beers with handcrafted micro pizzas

and little chicken wings from the littlest chickens.

We actually only use one million yeast.

That one's just for the brew heads.

Will nanobreweries ever be as big as microbreweries?

No.

And, uh, that's exactly how I want it.

So, yeah, you know, uh, cloth diapers are making a comeback.

No way!

Yeah, I mean, I'm just a step-dad, but, you know,

it's interesting--

all the stuff they have to think about.

Greetings, my friend.

Hey, welcome to the Sidecar, where dreams go to die.

What can I get for you?

Aw, the glass of Chardonnay.

Weird.

What is your deal?

They call me Slapback.

Did you make your costume yourself?

No, I had the same people who worked on the "Matrix"

make this. - No way, really?

Oh, dick!

Aw, I'm getting my hair done.

What's your power?

Well, I can make you see any moment in your life

past, present, or future.

That's amazing.

By slapping you in the face.

That's awesome.

Slap me back to my proudest moment.

Will I ever be a hero?

Yeah, you already are, son.

You-- you want to go practice flying or something?

Oh, my god!

Go play with your dolls or something

and leave me alone!

I got shit to do!

Boom!

You just got slapbacked!

You want to see your proudest moment?

Wow!

You just got slapbacked.

He didn't know who threw the peanut.

You're a big, fat zero.

Ooh, my turn, please?

Looks like I can finally start having protected sex.

you.

You just got slapbacked.

Did everybody get to see that, or was that just for me?

Sorry if it was weird.

If you didn't see it, it was weird.

I got to take this.

Hi, yeah, it's Blujay, yes.

Yeah, I called about the hero position, yes.

Oh, help me.

I need a hero so bad.

It's Brick, you idiot.

Oh.

Well, I have only myself to blame.

Hi, I'm Amanda.

And I'm Lauren.

And this is the commentary track for meeting

your friend's new boyfriend.

Sweetie, this is Lauren.

Hey, I'm Tyler.

It's good to finally meet you.

OK, first reaction,

I want to bang your boyfriend.

Thank you.

When he came in,

I was like, who's this model?

Oh, my god!

Why is he touching you?

So Amanda tells me that you're a bartender?

Libation mixologist.

Which means bartender.

Yep.

I don't even pour cocktails just like Miller Lites.

So what do you do?

Oh, I'm a doctor.

Oh, tell her what kind.

I'm a baby animal veterinarian.

That's so cool, right?

OK, made-up job, made-up boyfriend.

Very funny. - What?

We're dating.

What was your deal?

Just that he's

way too hot and cool for you.

I should be dating him.

It's not fair.

Hang on, hang on.

First denial, then anger, watch.

This party sucks.

Dude, you are going

through the five stages of grief because I'm

dating an awesome guy.

Was not.

Yes, you were.

Have you ever thought about dating two women at once?

Because we have kissed, so it wouldn't be weird.

Lauren?

Just joking.

She's always like blah.

Classic stage

three bargaining right there.

I just wish we

could have taken him to Paris. What?

You know, the two of us

could show him the Eiffel Tower.

Ew, dude? No!

That's for guys.

No, that's for everyone.

I don't know why we even dated anyone anyway.

What's the point, you know?

You just get old.

And then you die alone.

It's just like ashes, dirt, nothing.

Ugh, gross, depression.

Stage four. Get it together.

Depression is gross.

Hey, I have a friend I want you to meet, all right?

I'll, uh, be right back.

OK.

And, finally,

stage five, acceptance.

So what do you think of him?

Meh.

All I've ever

wanted is for someone to want to have sex with my boyfriend.

Yeah, because I've never wanted

to anyone you've dated.

Me neither.

Kiss me, I'm drunk.

Kiss me, I'm-- kiss me, I'm drunk.

Malcolm Gladwell.

It's crazy how I keep running into him.

I imagine he'd be thrilled to have a quick hang

with a fellow thinking man.

Is this seat taken?

Go ahead.

Ha, Gotcha.

MALCOLM GLADWELL Oh, no,

It's me, Dave.

Dave Hill.

But I said is this seat taken in a creepy voice

so you'd think I was some sort of weirdo.

Hi, Dave.

MALCOLM GLADWELL You

don't need to do a creepy voice for me to think that.

What are you working on?

Oh, just some a little thing for the "New Yorker."

"New Yorker," that's cool.

I've actually written a lot of pieces for the "New Yorker"

over the years.

Oh, you have?

Yeah, I mean, they haven't printed any of them.

I think they're too ahead of their time, controversial.

You get it.

Yeah.

I'm guessing really ahead of your time.

MALCOLM GLADWELL Dear God,

please, let an ice cream truck drive by

or something so he'll leave me alone?

Wh-- what's the piece you're working on now?

Oh, it's, um, uh, something on Freudian theory

and the farm-to-table movement.

Just, uh, like a column.

Wow, I have

absolutely no idea what he just said, but it sounded awesome.

That is so weird.

Weird, yeah, to a moron.

Oh, why's that weird?

Because I literally just wrote a big piece

on that exact same subject that you just said.

Yeah.

What did you conclude?

This ought to be good.

Just that basically the parallels

between the two things you are saying are nuts basically.

Nuts, how are they nuts?

Uh, eh, I don't want to tell you my findings

because I don't want to influence

what you're trying to do there.

MALCOLM GLADWELL Oh, right.

Like that's ever going to happen.

I'm-- I'm all ears over here, Dave.

Goddamn it!

Gladwell, let it go.

OK.

If you really want me to elaborate.

Uh--

MALCOLM GLADWELL I can't

believe he's still talking.

So what was the first thing?

Ice cream!

Thank you god of ice creams.

Victoria!

Come quick!

What is wrong?

It's Paige.

Her boyfriend, he cheated, and her employer

review is in half an hour.

An office scandal?

Does that mean--

Yes!

We need your Olivia Pope.

It's time to put on my white hat.

Lilly let's do a Shonda walk-and-talk.

I need two compresses.

One hot, one cold.

A box of tissues, a bag of gummy worms from Paige's desk drawer.

Sparkling water, eye drops, concealer.

And Lilly, order a pizza, I'm starving.

He--

he-- he cheated on me by sexting.

Where did you get this text?

I took a screengrab of his phone and texted it to myself.

Delete this.

But--

Paige, Mark is a cheater.

The sooner you accept that the better off you're going to be.

You are a hot, smart, strong woman.

And Mark is an infected skin tag that we are going to remove

from your beautiful body.

I am a social dermatologist.

I will fix this.

Delete the text.

Deleting it.

Lilly, how far away is JD?

She'll be here any minute.

You're going to need to stall her.

Call her, pretend you're her daughter's school,

say Serena needs to talk to her.

Heather, alternate those compresses.

And feed Paige these gummies.

Paige, hydrate.

Dan, I need you to get on Paige's social needs

and delete all evidence of Mark.

What social needs?

Social media.

OK, cool.

Do you want me to start with Twitter or Instagram?

It's going to take a while.

Paige, are you on Ello?

You're a crappy huck!

What is huck?

Hello?

Hi, Mrs. LeGrand?

This is, uh, Carol--

Carol Counter, from your daughter's school.

Carol Counter from your daughter's school?

- Is everything OK? - No.

No, I'm afraid not.

Not-- no.

Um, Serena is missing.

What?

I mean, she's missing you.

She wants to sing you a song.

Please hold. - Hold?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

OK.

Just look up, look up.

Uh-oh, um, Mark the ex is calling?

Well, I don't know what to do.

I don't want to talk to him.

Mark, you probably thought you were talking to Paige.

Well, guess what, you don't get to talk to Paige.

Because Paige is a privilege that you earn.

She is a diploma from an Ivy League.

She is the A-list level in Kim Kardashian--

Hollywood!

Serena, baby, it's mommy!

Listen, are you feeling OK?

I'm going to be there after 3 o'clock to pick you up,

all right?

Yes, mommy.

Who is this?

I know my daughter's voice.

This isn't Serena!

Oh, it's ridiculous!

It's handled.

I couldn't stall any longer.

She's coming up.

OK, um--

Well, aren't we looking relaxed.

Paige, are you ready for your review?

Yes, I am.

The feelz.

They're real, they're intense, and this kitten

will give you that.

But did you know that the feelz are part of a complex process

in your brain?

Today, on Big Thick Ideas, meet the limbic system, a series

of cortical structures near the cerebral hemispheres

and a key reservoir of feelz.

Seeing something nostalgic or cute, like a baby otter video,

sends neural signals that trigger

this system to release squee.

Squee are units of feelz.

These squee travel through neural pathways

to feelz receptors.

The size of your receptors determines whether you

feel all the feelz, or merely experience

a quick hit right in the feelz.

An especially powerful trigger can create excess feelz.

This surplus of feelz is a condition called ermahgerd.

Someone with this condition can't even.

Can feelz to be dangerous?

Sometimes, dude.

Usually, feelz activate the anterior cingulate cortex

to release proteins called "smiling cat

face with heart-shaped eyes."

But sometimes these proteins derp, which can make you vom.

Or, in the worst cases, remove all the

you have to give.

This activity all takes place in the medulla-Ob-Lame-Gata,

the region of the brain that makes you reuse other

people's jokes and catchphrases months

after they stop being cool.

Now that the feelz are understood,

scientists use them in a variety of applications.

From an antidepressant for people with too much--

to an ED stimulant for those with too little--

And now you understand them too.

So just remember, the next time you're bae internets

you use seriously glompable GIF, you can't stop the feelz.

And this is because science.

Next time on Big Thick Ideas.

Albums, songs, mp3s.

Nobody needs to pay for them, but why?

OK.

It says to enter the cheat code right after the credits screen,

ready?

- Ready. - Ready.

Godspeed, boys.

Welcome to "Monster Peninsula."

Go!

A, B, A, B, X, Y. Up, down, up, down, left, right, up, down.

L, R, L, L. Left, right, start, select.

Up, down.

A, B, B, A, Y. Left, right, L, L, R, R. Now press and hold A.

Hold it.

Keep holding.

Hold it.

Hold!

And rub it on the carpet.

Swing it like a lasso.

Charm it like a snake.

Romance the controller.

You're from Japan.

How interesting.

Love your buttons.

More juice?

Wash it, gentle cycle, no bleach!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Start, select, X, Y, up, down, left, right.

Bathe the controller in the blood of a virgin.

Prick your finger fast.

I'm not a virgin.

Yeah, me neither.

I've had sex like 1,000 times. - Shut up!

We're all virgins.

Whatever, I'll do it.

Jerks.

OK, now shoot the controller. Fast!

Kill it!

And that's it.

You've unlocked boner mode.

Hi, I'm Charles.

I'll be your hangover today.

Keep it down.

It's good, huh?

Hey, man, what are you having, scotch or whiskey?

Is that all you have?

All I serve.

Come on, dude.

Dance like nobody's watching, guys!

Come on.

Pew, pew.

Remember when we were all kids?

All single guys.

All single guys.

All single guys.

There's nothing more than I love drinking.

You can't fit me in a cell.

Where are you going?

I cut you.

Now I'm going to take your horns out and you like a cow!

Hey, girl, you want your babies to have eyes like these?

You got to tell me because I'm going to die tonight.

Up and at 'em, Dane.

We have a super, great day planned for us.

- Oh, no. - Yeah!

Hey, uh, buddy, how many fingers am I holding up?

I don't give a flying fig.

Oh.

Careful there, big fella.

Find your feet.

You got it.

Yeah, I'm perfectly capable of walking myself.

You're doing great, bud.

Doing great.

I'll kill you.

OK, Charlie, do your worst.

Just a little bellyache, OK.

I need booze.

What are you doing, Dane?

Hair of the dog, man.

The best cure for a hangover.

Are you sure you want to do that?

Yeah.

All righty, then.

You're definitely not going to regret this one, Dane.

No, no, no.

Don't do this.

Don't do this, huh?

I'm just a guy.

I'm just a guy.

No!

Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!

No, we saw that movie on the sci-fi channel, so we

decided to go to Aruba instead.

We were too scared about getting sucked

into the Bermuda Triangle.

So smart.

So many people and things disappear from there.

It's like the world's freakiest unsolvable mystery.

Yeah, like, what's going on with that triangle?

What is it?

What happens there?

I have nightmares about that place.

According to science,

it's probably weather, like crazy rip

tides or tropical cyclones.

Or magnetic variations that f-up your compass.

Or methane hydrates.

Those are ocean farts.

Some people say that we'll never know for certain,

but we figured it out.

We're positive.

Oh, Bermuda Triangle, hey, mystery solved.

It's a doorway that takes you to another dimension.

Or UFOs/aliens.

Or else it's ghosts and vampires and witches and warlocks.

Or the Loch Monster and Moby Dick.

Or it's a magical island with Elvis and Tupac.

And JFK is there.

And everything's cool.

Since no one will go there to find out for sure,

let's just assume we're right.

No, it's none of that stuff.

It's God's butthole.

And it's sucking people straight to heaven.

No, wait.

Heaven's up.

Oh, so it's Satan's butthole.

And it's sucking all the bad people straight down to hell.

Yup.

Let's just assume we're right.

That's exactly what I thought it was.

Mm-hmm.