All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E07.That.Is.Not.How.You.Start.Any.Meal.Ever.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Yeah, he got the--

Well me, you see me-- y'all--
y'all not familiar with me.

I'm usually known as
the, to Black folks,

pardon my language, the
who does the voices.

OK.

That's what they call me.

We-- we got to-- we can't--

I can't say that shit.

I'm sorry.

The-- the n-word is very--
you don't like that?

OK, cool.

Who says that?

If you want to use the n-word,
brother, you use the n-word.

Oh, thank you.
All right.

You met on okcupid.com.

What was she looking for?

What
was she looking for?

Uh, well, from the first few
conversations that we had--

yeah, thanks.

Um, it seemed that she
wanted a man who was strong,

intellectual, capable.

Is he strong?

I am, actually.

- Yeah you look--
- I'm not trying to get--

Yeah,
you look strong.

I'm not trying
to get ...

They
should have had

your ass in "Django Unchained."

Yeah, so--

Strong like, opening a bottle
of wine or open the ketchup.

- In the heart.
- In the heart.

- And it's life.
- You got a strong heart?

I could love--

You an intense guy.

What is your sign?
- Sign?

Uh, Virgo.

Oh, I was about to say, man.

Because you're almost on
some Libra stuff cause

that's how we are.
- I'm a Libra.

- You a Libra?
- Yeah.

Oh, snap.

Hell, yeah.

Tip the scales and
balance it, baby.

OK.

They're about to become
long-distance partners,

correct?
- Oh, my gosh.

Yes.

Y'all are about to become
long-distance partners,

correct?
- We are.

Oh, you talking to us?

Yeah, now I'm talking to you.

I wasn't talking-- I wasn't
talking to you at first.

Look, when I'm staring
at you in your eyes

like this, that's when
I'm talking to your ass.

If I'm looking up
here like this,

then I'm talking to voice.

Do they want some
free financial advice?

Our financial
advisor is from from London.

He's going to help you all out.

Who do we got here?

What's up my man?
- What's up?

This is Max Keiser, people.

Financial advisor
extraordinaire.

I understand you're
looking for a little advice

of the finances.

Yeah.

I'm here.
OK.

I can help.

So you
say you got some debt.

Would you say it's
this big or this big?

More like this.

Let's get into
some nitty gritty.

Saving, rainy day.

Saving money.

Think of me as your doctor.

Income coming in.

You got to pay it down quick.

Look at the precious metals.

Gold, silver because the
financial apocalypse is coming.

All right.

We're going to pull over
and I'm going to get in.

The next expert's coming in.
Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, boy.
Here we go.

Next guest stop.

All right, baby.

Here we go.

Oh.

I wish I would have
got that reaction.

Here we go.

I was like I'm not known
in the Black community.

It's so up.

Alec.

You look so beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

You're staying here?

Yeah.

You're
not going anywhere?

- No.
- She's going.

Where are you going?

Two hours north of Syracuse.

What's the goal?

What do you hope
is going to happen?

He wants to
finish his masters.

And you're
going to do long distance?

Yeah.

I know what you're
going to be doing.

You're going to be flying up to
Canton all the time, you chump.

I am.

You're go
to be flying to Syracuse

and driving two hours to Canton.
- No but, she's worth it.

She's that amazing.

So I'm definitely
going to be doing that.

- He's so sweet like sugar.
- Yeah.

Black love.

What are you guys--
what's the plan?

So probably like--

Did you say Black love?

That was the deeper love.

It is.

You're
up there for how long?

Three years.

Up
there for three years?

Yeah.

He has to get his masters too.

Yeah.

What has to be more
important right now?

Career or relationship?

That's a good question
because both are important.

I take both very serious.

I mean, I feel like we're
on the same page with that.

Yeah.

I do feel like my career
is very important to me,

but he's also very
important to me.

But again, we're
taking strides to kind

of accomplish both of them.

Yeah.

Look at each other.

Don't take your
eyes off each other.

OK.

Tell him three things
you love about him.

Let's go all in here.

I love your humor.

I love looking at you, and
I love your chocolate skin.

I love your smile.

Humor, chocolate skin, smile.

- Mm-hmm.
- What about you?

Look at her.
Look at each other.

I love your intelligence.

I love your confidence.

I love your spirit.

His answers are
better than mine.

- They were actually.
- He's so real.

He's so genuine.

You're the only person we're
going to give a do over.

Go.

I love your kindness.

OK.
That's good.

Keep going.

I love your compassion.

Oh, man.

It's
so good, so good.

You're walking, you're walking.

Oh, I love your style.

This ain't a
Salt-N-Pepa video.

all these
qualities in a man.

Let's welcome to
stage right now,

Phoebe Robinson, everybody.

Hi.

How are you, guys?

I'm-- I'm doing-- I'm doing OK.

I'm, uh, newly single.

I broke up with my
ex-boyfriend of four years.

So I wouldn't say nice.

Thank-- thank you, I
think, which is fine.

We just, like, weren't
compatible anymore, you know?

But we also-- like,
I learned a lot

about myself being in a
relationship for that long.

And I learned that I get
super lazy the longer I'm

with someone, which is awful.

Like, everything about me
just goes down the toilet.

Like, my sex game was
total trash by the end.

Basically, my sex game
was like, have you

guys ever seen those workout
videos where there's always

that chick in the background
who does, like, the modified

version of every exercise?

Like, that was me
in the bedroom,

like, all day every day.

I was terrible, you know?

Like, I didn't give blowjobs
on my knees anymore, OK?

I just kind of, like,
laid on my side.

And it's like, just
dock it in, babe.

Slowly dock it in.

I'll part my lips.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

So I am single is what
we learned from that.

And I have been
working out a lot.

I've been working out because
I'm back on these streets

and so I got to look good again.

And I put on 30 pounds when I
was with my ex, which is fine,

you know.

Like, that's what
you're supposed to do

in a relationship, you know?

You're supposed to like,
eat, watch Netflix,

stop growing as a person so you
can stay in that relationship.

So I was fucking
nailing that last part.

I'm just killing it.

And so then I was
like, oh, my God.

I got to get in shape.

And I didn't--

I've-- So I've been
working out a lot.

And I've lost 20 pounds so
far, which is very exciting.

Thank you.

My God, thank you.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

But yeah, no, it's cool.

I liked being bigger.

I just didn't like how you
don't do it in a-- like,

I was just mainlining
carbs to my face.

Like, there was no rhyme or
reason to what I was doing.

And so when you do
that, just weight just,

you wake up one day
and you're like,

oh that's a new
thing that's here.

And I noticed in the
course of my relationship,

I want to get really
personal with you guys,

I noticed that like my--

um, like, front, like,
vagina cover area got fat.

That's a thing that
happens to women.

I didn't know that.

So I just woke up one day.

And I was like, did I get stung
with bees while I was sleeping?

Did someone have an EpiPen?

Like, I didn't
know what happens.

But this just-- this
just gets bigger.

And no one tells you this
information as a woman.

And it's really irritating
because basically,

what was happening down
here during the course

of my relationship--

Have you guys ever seen like,
a time lapse video of, like,

a souffle rising in the oven?

That's what happened down here.

I was just walking around
with the Food Network recipe.

So that was not cool.

I'm glad we all worked
through the vagina stuff.

I know it's hard for men
to hear about vaginas,

but they can talk about
their gross disgusting dicks

all the time.

So thank you, guys,
for being so brave.

You guys are so--

White men are so brave.

They're the bravest.

They've been through so much.

It's hard to just have
so much privilege.

Um, cool.

Just it's so hard to get
carbs whenever you want.

No, I'm kidding.

It's fine.

I date white guys, so it's fine.

So it's called "Glee."

And they sing?

And they sing.

And Jane Lynch is the villain.

Oh, my God.

Oh, not again.

Eww, Is that your parents?

Do they think that
just because I'm

their only son that I have
to answer all their calls?

I mean, I've already talked
to them once this year.

So they fucked and made you.

Congrats.

I've fucked six times.

That's a good number.

Thank you so much
for saying that.

So my mom gave up her
career as a trial lawyer

so she could stay at home.

And all they ask is that I
move my phone from my pocket

to my ear and press
one button, as if.

She should be happy.

Jobs suck.

If I could have no job,
like I do, I would.

So my parents moved from the
city they love to the suburbs

so I could be in a
good school system.

Does that mean I need to
waste all five of my fingers

holding this thing?

You could use your fingers
for other stuff like--

like pointing or giving the
thumbs up to stuff you like.

You can't do that.
You're not allowed to do that.

Excuse me, sir.

We're not in school.
Thank you.

Are you paying for that?

Be chill for once.

Get out.

Fine.

So OK, she's carried
you around for years

never complaining once.

Does that allow her
to interrupt you

with her very nice sportsnails
while you're getting

turnt at Terry's day rave?

During Terry's day rave?

Hi, Carey.

How could you.

Bye.

Have a great day.

Seeing that baby stressed
the living F out of me.

So they spend every
moment of their lives

worrying about my well-being.

And all I do is actively bash
them in my one-man show, which

they paid for me to put on.

They should.

And that means
that my dad can't

retire for another five years.

But what--

Gross.

I'm still supposed
to say hello and goodbye?

Hi.

So sorry to interrupt.

Your credit card was declined.

Oh, my fucking God.

This always happens.

It's like they never trust me.

It's like I can't--

Hi, dad.

Yeah, hi.

I'm glad I'm calling too.

Dad, I think you forgot to
refill my prepaid Amex card.

So-- No, I can't
talk right now, dad.

Yeah, I'm at the hospital
now, could be serious.

Bye.

Oh, my God.

Fuck them.

My parents can be
pretty difficult too.

Yeah, never speak to us.

You're just hands to us.

Go back to being hands.

Oh, parents are the worst.

Aren't yours dead?

Yeah, it's amazing.

I got all their
money when they died.

Wow.

Hi, I'm Bob Ross.

I'm certainly glad
you could join us.

Today, we're going
to be painting

a tranquil little
mountain scene here.

And oh, it looks like
we have some trappers

walking through our landscape.

I-- You know what,
to heck with it.

I'm going to go ahead
and put them in there.

That's the thing about painting,
you just want to paint whatever

nature puts in front of you.

Happy little trappers.

Let's add some beautiful
evergreens, calm little trees.

Oh, it looks like this little
guy is going to join us now.

Put a fuzzy-looking-- oh.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Let's, uh, load up
our brush with dark red

because I guess now
we're going to paint

this angry little bear attack.

Just stuff that
happens in nature.

Well, I guess we're going to
have to smother this little boy

and paint a happy little
hand over this child's mouth.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Not going to interfere.

Just going to paint.

And this guy's
getting buried alive.

So just load up your
brush with brown

and just cover him up with dirt.

Just make sure that he's alive
underneath all that cozy dirt.

Oh, no.

Let's put a happy little
arrow through this guy's throat.

And add a little
bit more blood here,

here, here, here, here, here.

And I guess we're
murdering a horse now.

So load up your brush and cover
the entire canvas in black

because everyone's dead.

And there we go.

Thanks for spending
time with me today.

And remember, there's an artist
in every single one of you.

That was so violent.

I actually know a
lot about bananas.

They're yellow.

You peel them.

I'm excited to eat it.

Here we go.

Yep.

That's what a
banana tastes like.

I liked the banana, but I didn't
like that it's my last banana.

Could I have another banana?

Oh.

Because of the
title of the video?

OK.

Well, that makes sense.

That was my last banana.

I'm out of here.

I was home--

I go home to visit my family
because I have a niece,

and she's really cool.

I really like her.

She's about to turn two.

She's like, a rock star.

Very smart, very funny,
great personality.

She's a hybrid.

She's half Black, half white.

I call her my
little Toyota Prius.

She is so dope and so cute.

So while I was home hanging out
with my niece, I got to, like,

watch a bunch of
HBO, which is great.

So I was watching like
a bunch of movies.

And I watched this movie
"Kingsman" with Colin Firth.

And I didn't know
anything about the movie.

I just wanted to watch it
because Colin Firth is hot.

And I was like,
sure, I'm into this.

And it's a really good movie.

Like, the action,
it's funny, it's sick.

But then the end gets
weird for no reason at all.

And so our young hero's
like, riding down

this long, like, hallway, like,
full of, like, prison cells,

right?

And he's running
past one of them.

And this chick from Sweden,
she was like, help me, help me.

Please, help me.

So he, like, runs back.

And she's like, please,
help me, help me.

And he's like, OK.

Well, if I help you, are
you going to kiss me?

Which kill yourself.

Don't be that guy.

That's disgusting.

That's so gross.

Just save a life, you animal.

So I thought she was kind
of, badass in the movie.

So I figured she was going
to shut him down, right?

And she did not, OK?

Instead, she goes, if you
save me, I'll let you do anal.

What?

What?

Are you serious-- what?

You guys, that has to be the
weirdest way to let someone

know you went to Catholic
school, number one.

Just because you're going
to share information.

And number two, when she
said that, all I could think

was I was like, how many times
has she lost a negotiation,

you know what I mean?

Like, how many
times does she not

get to choose the restaurant?

That she's coming in
hot with some butt sex.

That is crazy.

You've graduated
from high school.

You have other skills,
you know what I mean?

And so our hero's
like, this is cool.

And so he, like, runs
away, saves the day.

He comes back with, like,
a bottle of champagne.

He goes up to her prison cell.

He, like, knocks on it like
it's her apartment door.

He's a fucking idiot, OK?

And then they go
inside her prison cell.

And they, like, walk over to
like her dingy ass mattress.

And then she just bends over
and sticks her butt out.

Like, butt sex is going to
be the first thing they do?

What?

Are you kidding me?

What?

That is insane, you guys.

Butt sex is not an amuse-bouche.

Like, that is not how
you start any meal ever.

You work your way up to that.

But it's a great movie.

If you haven't
seen it, I really--

I highly recommend it.

Just ignore that last scene.

All right, you guys
have been fantastic.

Thank you guys so much.

So another lateral move.

Yeah.

And we're like, Murray Hill.

To Bay.

I mean, power to them.

Morning, ladies.

Oh, good morning.

Hey, Bebe.

So are those bags designer?

Talking about your
under-eye sitch?

Oh, yeah.
No, I get it.

That was good.

You should do an open mic.
That was good.

You OK, Bebe?

Yeah, I've been up all
night working on this pitch.

Oh, nice.

How's it going?

It's a hot mess
because I am a hot mess.

Let me help you.

I'll be the chair to your tie.

Really?

And I'll be a
more helpful Amber.

We don't need that.

Oh.

Are you kidding me?

My phone.

Should I put this in my rice?

Should have asked Amber.

So sustainable nails green.

Well--

That bad?

You're starting over.

Oh, no

Are you not the top publicist
in a small, but growing,

PR firm?
- I am.

Do you want to nail this
campaign to get promoted?

I do.

Why'd you slap me?

I'm already on board.

Too bad.

It's my way or
the highway, baby.

Then I take the highway, baby.

I have a headache.
I can't--

Me too.

Let's just work together.

Where's Victoria?

She needed a break.

She told me to stand in for her.

Do you think I can stop?

No.

And that is why you
should go with Le Grand PR.

Thank you.

That was great.
Thanks.

So when's the pitch?

Oh, uh, 2 days ago.

How long have we
been doing this?

We started, the day
before the pitch so--

So yeah, three days.

I wonder how it went.