Original subtitles

Yeah, he got the--

Well me, you see me-- y'all-- y'all not familiar with me.

I'm usually known as the, to Black folks,

pardon my language, the who does the voices.

OK.

That's what they call me.

We-- we got to-- we can't--

I can't say that shit.

I'm sorry.

The-- the n-word is very-- you don't like that?

OK, cool.

Who says that?

If you want to use the n-word, brother, you use the n-word.

Oh, thank you. All right.

You met on okcupid.com.

What was she looking for?

What was she looking for?

Uh, well, from the first few conversations that we had--

yeah, thanks.

Um, it seemed that she wanted a man who was strong,

intellectual, capable.

Is he strong?

I am, actually.

- Yeah you look-- - I'm not trying to get--

Yeah, you look strong.

I'm not trying to get ...

They should have had

your ass in "Django Unchained."

Yeah, so--

Strong like, opening a bottle of wine or open the ketchup.

- In the heart. - In the heart.

- And it's life. - You got a strong heart?

I could love--

You an intense guy.

What is your sign? - Sign?

Uh, Virgo.

Oh, I was about to say, man.

Because you're almost on some Libra stuff cause

that's how we are. - I'm a Libra.

- You a Libra? - Yeah.

Oh, snap.

Hell, yeah.

Tip the scales and balance it, baby.

OK.

They're about to become long-distance partners,

correct? - Oh, my gosh.

Yes.

Y'all are about to become long-distance partners,

correct? - We are.

Oh, you talking to us?

Yeah, now I'm talking to you.

I wasn't talking-- I wasn't talking to you at first.

Look, when I'm staring at you in your eyes

like this, that's when I'm talking to your ass.

If I'm looking up here like this,

then I'm talking to voice.

Do they want some free financial advice?

Our financial advisor is from from London.

He's going to help you all out.

Who do we got here?

What's up my man? - What's up?

This is Max Keiser, people.

Financial advisor extraordinaire.

I understand you're looking for a little advice

of the finances.

Yeah.

I'm here. OK.

I can help.

So you say you got some debt.

Would you say it's this big or this big?

More like this.

Let's get into some nitty gritty.

Saving, rainy day.

Saving money.

Think of me as your doctor.

Income coming in.

You got to pay it down quick.

Look at the precious metals.

Gold, silver because the financial apocalypse is coming.

All right.

We're going to pull over and I'm going to get in.

The next expert's coming in. Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Next guest stop.

All right, baby.

Here we go.

Oh.

I wish I would have got that reaction.

Here we go.

I was like I'm not known in the Black community.

It's so up.

Alec.

You look so beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

You're staying here?

Yeah.

You're not going anywhere?

- No. - She's going.

Where are you going?

Two hours north of Syracuse.

What's the goal?

What do you hope is going to happen?

He wants to finish his masters.

And you're going to do long distance?

Yeah.

I know what you're going to be doing.

You're going to be flying up to Canton all the time, you chump.

I am.

You're go to be flying to Syracuse

and driving two hours to Canton. - No but, she's worth it.

She's that amazing.

So I'm definitely going to be doing that.

- He's so sweet like sugar. - Yeah.

Black love.

What are you guys-- what's the plan?

So probably like--

Did you say Black love?

That was the deeper love.

It is.

You're up there for how long?

Three years.

Up there for three years?

Yeah.

He has to get his masters too.

Yeah.

What has to be more important right now?

Career or relationship?

That's a good question because both are important.

I take both very serious.

I mean, I feel like we're on the same page with that.

Yeah.

I do feel like my career is very important to me,

but he's also very important to me.

But again, we're taking strides to kind

of accomplish both of them.

Yeah.

Look at each other.

Don't take your eyes off each other.

OK.

Tell him three things you love about him.

Let's go all in here.

I love your humor.

I love looking at you, and I love your chocolate skin.

I love your smile.

Humor, chocolate skin, smile.

- Mm-hmm. - What about you?

Look at her. Look at each other.

I love your intelligence.

I love your confidence.

I love your spirit.

His answers are better than mine.

- They were actually. - He's so real.

He's so genuine.

You're the only person we're going to give a do over.

Go.

I love your kindness.

OK. That's good.

Keep going.

I love your compassion.

Oh, man.

It's so good, so good.

You're walking, you're walking.

Oh, I love your style.

This ain't a Salt-N-Pepa video.

all these qualities in a man.

Let's welcome to stage right now,

Phoebe Robinson, everybody.

Hi.

How are you, guys?

I'm-- I'm doing-- I'm doing OK.

I'm, uh, newly single.

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of four years.

So I wouldn't say nice.

Thank-- thank you, I think, which is fine.

We just, like, weren't compatible anymore, you know?

But we also-- like, I learned a lot

about myself being in a relationship for that long.

And I learned that I get super lazy the longer I'm

with someone, which is awful.

Like, everything about me just goes down the toilet.

Like, my sex game was total trash by the end.

Basically, my sex game was like, have you

guys ever seen those workout videos where there's always

that chick in the background who does, like, the modified

version of every exercise?

Like, that was me in the bedroom,

like, all day every day.

I was terrible, you know?

Like, I didn't give blowjobs on my knees anymore, OK?

I just kind of, like, laid on my side.

And it's like, just dock it in, babe.

Slowly dock it in.

I'll part my lips.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

So I am single is what we learned from that.

And I have been working out a lot.

I've been working out because I'm back on these streets

and so I got to look good again.

And I put on 30 pounds when I was with my ex, which is fine,

you know.

Like, that's what you're supposed to do

in a relationship, you know?

You're supposed to like, eat, watch Netflix,

stop growing as a person so you can stay in that relationship.

So I was fucking nailing that last part.

I'm just killing it.

And so then I was like, oh, my God.

I got to get in shape.

And I didn't--

I've-- So I've been working out a lot.

And I've lost 20 pounds so far, which is very exciting.

Thank you.

My God, thank you.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

But yeah, no, it's cool.

I liked being bigger.

I just didn't like how you don't do it in a-- like,

I was just mainlining carbs to my face.

Like, there was no rhyme or reason to what I was doing.

And so when you do that, just weight just,

you wake up one day and you're like,

oh that's a new thing that's here.

And I noticed in the course of my relationship,

I want to get really personal with you guys,

I noticed that like my--

um, like, front, like, vagina cover area got fat.

That's a thing that happens to women.

I didn't know that.

So I just woke up one day.

And I was like, did I get stung with bees while I was sleeping?

Did someone have an EpiPen?

Like, I didn't know what happens.

But this just-- this just gets bigger.

And no one tells you this information as a woman.

And it's really irritating because basically,

what was happening down here during the course

of my relationship--

Have you guys ever seen like, a time lapse video of, like,

a souffle rising in the oven?

That's what happened down here.

I was just walking around with the Food Network recipe.

So that was not cool.

I'm glad we all worked through the vagina stuff.

I know it's hard for men to hear about vaginas,

but they can talk about their gross disgusting dicks

all the time.

So thank you, guys, for being so brave.

You guys are so--

White men are so brave.

They're the bravest.

They've been through so much.

It's hard to just have so much privilege.

Um, cool.

Just it's so hard to get carbs whenever you want.

No, I'm kidding.

It's fine.

I date white guys, so it's fine.

So it's called "Glee."

And they sing?

And they sing.

And Jane Lynch is the villain.

Oh, my God.

Oh, not again.

Eww, Is that your parents?

Do they think that just because I'm

their only son that I have to answer all their calls?

I mean, I've already talked to them once this year.

So they fucked and made you.

Congrats.

I've fucked six times.

That's a good number.

Thank you so much for saying that.

So my mom gave up her career as a trial lawyer

so she could stay at home.

And all they ask is that I move my phone from my pocket

to my ear and press one button, as if.

She should be happy.

Jobs suck.

If I could have no job, like I do, I would.

So my parents moved from the city they love to the suburbs

so I could be in a good school system.

Does that mean I need to waste all five of my fingers

holding this thing?

You could use your fingers for other stuff like--

like pointing or giving the thumbs up to stuff you like.

You can't do that. You're not allowed to do that.

Excuse me, sir.

We're not in school. Thank you.

Are you paying for that?

Be chill for once.

Get out.

Fine.

So OK, she's carried you around for years

never complaining once.

Does that allow her to interrupt you

with her very nice sportsnails while you're getting

turnt at Terry's day rave?

During Terry's day rave?

Hi, Carey.

How could you.

Bye.

Have a great day.

Seeing that baby stressed the living F out of me.

So they spend every moment of their lives

worrying about my well-being.

And all I do is actively bash them in my one-man show, which

they paid for me to put on.

They should.

And that means that my dad can't

retire for another five years.

But what--

Gross.

I'm still supposed to say hello and goodbye?

Hi.

So sorry to interrupt.

Your credit card was declined.

Oh, my fucking God.

This always happens.

It's like they never trust me.

It's like I can't--

Hi, dad.

Yeah, hi.

I'm glad I'm calling too.

Dad, I think you forgot to refill my prepaid Amex card.

So-- No, I can't talk right now, dad.

Yeah, I'm at the hospital now, could be serious.

Bye.

Oh, my God.

Fuck them.

My parents can be pretty difficult too.

Yeah, never speak to us.

You're just hands to us.

Go back to being hands.

Oh, parents are the worst.

Aren't yours dead?

Yeah, it's amazing.

I got all their money when they died.

Wow.

Hi, I'm Bob Ross.

I'm certainly glad you could join us.

Today, we're going to be painting

a tranquil little mountain scene here.

And oh, it looks like we have some trappers

walking through our landscape.

I-- You know what, to heck with it.

I'm going to go ahead and put them in there.

That's the thing about painting, you just want to paint whatever

nature puts in front of you.

Happy little trappers.

Let's add some beautiful evergreens, calm little trees.

Oh, it looks like this little guy is going to join us now.

Put a fuzzy-looking-- oh.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Let's, uh, load up our brush with dark red

because I guess now we're going to paint

this angry little bear attack.

Just stuff that happens in nature.

Well, I guess we're going to have to smother this little boy

and paint a happy little hand over this child's mouth.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Not going to interfere.

Just going to paint.

And this guy's getting buried alive.

So just load up your brush with brown

and just cover him up with dirt.

Just make sure that he's alive underneath all that cozy dirt.

Oh, no.

Let's put a happy little arrow through this guy's throat.

And add a little bit more blood here,

here, here, here, here, here.

And I guess we're murdering a horse now.

So load up your brush and cover the entire canvas in black

because everyone's dead.

And there we go.

Thanks for spending time with me today.

And remember, there's an artist in every single one of you.

That was so violent.

I actually know a lot about bananas.

They're yellow.

You peel them.

I'm excited to eat it.

Here we go.

Yep.

That's what a banana tastes like.

I liked the banana, but I didn't like that it's my last banana.

Could I have another banana?

Oh.

Because of the title of the video?

OK.

Well, that makes sense.

That was my last banana.

I'm out of here.

I was home--

I go home to visit my family because I have a niece,

and she's really cool.

I really like her.

She's about to turn two.

She's like, a rock star.

Very smart, very funny, great personality.

She's a hybrid.

She's half Black, half white.

I call her my little Toyota Prius.

She is so dope and so cute.

So while I was home hanging out with my niece, I got to, like,

watch a bunch of HBO, which is great.

So I was watching like a bunch of movies.

And I watched this movie "Kingsman" with Colin Firth.

And I didn't know anything about the movie.

I just wanted to watch it because Colin Firth is hot.

And I was like, sure, I'm into this.

And it's a really good movie.

Like, the action, it's funny, it's sick.

But then the end gets weird for no reason at all.

And so our young hero's like, riding down

this long, like, hallway, like, full of, like, prison cells,

right?

And he's running past one of them.

And this chick from Sweden, she was like, help me, help me.

Please, help me.

So he, like, runs back.

And she's like, please, help me, help me.

And he's like, OK.

Well, if I help you, are you going to kiss me?

Which kill yourself.

Don't be that guy.

That's disgusting.

That's so gross.

Just save a life, you animal.

So I thought she was kind of, badass in the movie.

So I figured she was going to shut him down, right?

And she did not, OK?

Instead, she goes, if you save me, I'll let you do anal.

What?

What?

Are you serious-- what?

You guys, that has to be the weirdest way to let someone

know you went to Catholic school, number one.

Just because you're going to share information.

And number two, when she said that, all I could think

was I was like, how many times has she lost a negotiation,

you know what I mean?

Like, how many times does she not

get to choose the restaurant?

That she's coming in hot with some butt sex.

That is crazy.

You've graduated from high school.

You have other skills, you know what I mean?

And so our hero's like, this is cool.

And so he, like, runs away, saves the day.

He comes back with, like, a bottle of champagne.

He goes up to her prison cell.

He, like, knocks on it like it's her apartment door.

He's a fucking idiot, OK?

And then they go inside her prison cell.

And they, like, walk over to like her dingy ass mattress.

And then she just bends over and sticks her butt out.

Like, butt sex is going to be the first thing they do?

What?

Are you kidding me?

What?

That is insane, you guys.

Butt sex is not an amuse-bouche.

Like, that is not how you start any meal ever.

You work your way up to that.

But it's a great movie.

If you haven't seen it, I really--

I highly recommend it.

Just ignore that last scene.

All right, you guys have been fantastic.

Thank you guys so much.

So another lateral move.

Yeah.

And we're like, Murray Hill.

To Bay.

I mean, power to them.

Morning, ladies.

Oh, good morning.

Hey, Bebe.

So are those bags designer?

Talking about your under-eye sitch?

Oh, yeah. No, I get it.

That was good.

You should do an open mic. That was good.

You OK, Bebe?

Yeah, I've been up all night working on this pitch.

Oh, nice.

How's it going?

It's a hot mess because I am a hot mess.

Let me help you.

I'll be the chair to your tie.

Really?

And I'll be a more helpful Amber.

We don't need that.

Oh.

Are you kidding me?

My phone.

Should I put this in my rice?

Should have asked Amber.

So sustainable nails green.

Well--

That bad?

You're starting over.

Oh, no

Are you not the top publicist in a small, but growing,

PR firm? - I am.

Do you want to nail this campaign to get promoted?

I do.

Why'd you slap me?

I'm already on board.

Too bad.

It's my way or the highway, baby.

Then I take the highway, baby.

I have a headache. I can't--

Me too.

Let's just work together.

Where's Victoria?

She needed a break.

She told me to stand in for her.

Do you think I can stop?

No.

And that is why you should go with Le Grand PR.

Thank you.

That was great. Thanks.

So when's the pitch?

Oh, uh, 2 days ago.

How long have we been doing this?

We started, the day before the pitch so--

So yeah, three days.

I wonder how it went.