Original subtitles

My name's Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach, who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So Carrie, my hair person recognized

you because she said you're on a show called "Portlandia."

Now, did you all meet because you were all in low-budget TV

shows that I've never seen?

Corin and I met in college.

That's when we started this band.

And so was one of the original members Susan B. Anthony?

I think she was deceased by then.

And that is sad for all women that she's no longer with us.

But we carry her message--

be a girl, get dressed up, look pretty, you know?

Guys are running this place.

But we can do stuff too.

And for every monster truck and every Lamborghini or whatever,

there's also a flower shop.

At heart, we're all just little riot grrrls you know?

I feel like your understanding of riot grrrl is vague,

at best. - And what is it?

So it was a movement of activists

who did events, played music, made art to talk

about violence against women.

And how men need to, like, treat women nicely, right?

Treat them to dinners, you know.

That could be part of it, yeah.

I'm gonna get you the lobster dinner,

and I don't expect anything back,

you know, except maybe a little smooch and an extra long hug.

I'm a feminist.

OK.

So now I'm going to read some lyrics from the title track

of your new album, "No Cities to Love,"

and give you some feedback.

"Atomic tourist, a life in search of power.

I found my test site.

I made a ritual of emptiness."

I'm sorry.

I must have accidentally grabbed the diary

of an angsty pre-teen girl because there's

no way an adult could write this garbage, right?

Mm-hmm.

Did you write it when you were smoking

behind the shopping center?

Did you guys get that assignment for English?

They want us to write a three-page paper

about that book.

The book sucks.

That's you guys.

Definitely.

So as an all-girl band, how many mysteries have you solved?

?

This seems like a Nancy Drew kind of team.

We did actually set up a sting at one of our concerts.

Really?

Oh, that's right.

We caught, like, a real bad guy, a flasher.

Mm-hmm.

He flashed riot grrls.

Now, along the same lines, do you feel like if a woman

were to flash, like--

I don't know-- her ex-husband when

he's at dinner with his new girlfriend, like,

is that also a crime?

It's not, right?

I think indecent exposure is a crime.

But, like, what if it's, like, not

indecent because it's, like, he's seen me that way before.

But I think if you're in public,

then it's considered indecent.

And if it was at his house, then it was harassment.

OK.

Well, I thought this is Sleater-Kinney.

But it's Judge Judy.

If I were you, I'd get out of the court

right now.

And two months in prison.

And you're an idiot.

Is that your ex-husband?

That's Judge Judy.

I mean, one of my favorite bands of all time

is an all-girl band.

Usually we don't put the modifier

in front of the word band.

You wouldn't call them, like, an--

a male band.

Like, if you were interviewing U2.

Ugh, I wish I was interviewing U2.

They are, like, my favorite man band.

I love "The Joseph Tree."

It's "The Joshua Tree." Joshua.

It's "Joseph Tree."

I'm pretty sure.

I just feel, like, if you want to sell tickets,

don't you want to play good music?

Play good music that's done by, like, you know, hot chicks.

And if Susan B. Anthony was here right now,

I think she would say, you know, use it or lose it.

But she's not.

And we miss you, SBA.

Take that, misogynists everywhere.

Can you believe that shit pig from the last episode?

Yeah, some balls.

A guy comes in here, drops the S bomb in a sidekick bar?

Comes in, and he calls us sidekicks?

Well, we could call ourselves sidekicks

because that's what we are. - Shut up.

We're not sidekicks. That's what we do.

It's not who we are. - Me shut up?

You shut up.

Ow!

Man, don't fracture my bones.

It's annoying

Stop!

You got a dumb power man.

Dumb?

I mean, you just fracture bones.

I do it with my mind.

I can fracture a bone with a wet loaf of bread

if I swung it hard enough. - Ugh.

Ow!

Ow!

What did-- what did I do?

Oh!

Ow!

"Ee-wow!"

Oh!

Aw, right in my doctor reflector.

Being able to shit bricks?

I manifest bricks.

I mean, you manifest them out of your butthole, man.

It's a lame power.

Evening, fellas.

Norm!

Old man.

I'm just saying there's got would be

a better word for what we do.

Well, what, would you rather be somebody ward?

You know what that means, right?

It's getting stuck to you.

I've always been fine with partner.

Hell no.

Partner sounds weird, man.

It sounds like you hold hands while you fight crime, which

would be impossible, by the way, because how

would you punch criminals?

Why can't we just share the moniker hero?

Try telling that to a hero.

Oh, sorry.

That'll heal.

You know what we are?

We're helpers.

We're just like the fish, like, the weird fish in the aquarium

that's got no friends and just sucks goo off the glass, like.

And that's its whole thing.

I'm hammered and confused right now.

We all are, Blue Jay.

We all are.

We all are.

We all are.

- We all are. - We all are.

We all are.

Can we help you?

I most certainly hope so.

Could you get that flyer, man?

He's not even allowed to put up flyers in here.

I don't know what the hell he's thinking.

We're all a bunch of glass-sucking goo fish.

What's it say?

It says fellow heroes wanted.

Not looking for sidekicks.

Looking for partners.

Looking for a friend to fight crime with.

Let's do this together.

And then there's like a long web address.

But I'm not reading that out loud.

If you want that, you can copy it down your damn self.

I'll say it right now.

You ever see me working for a guy like that,

you have permission to kill me.

Nice.

I will.

It's just demeaning.

What person in his right mind would take a job like that?

You know what kind of job I think you'd give him?

What do you mean?

You know what kind of job I think you'd give him.

I'd give somebody a job?

I don't understand.

One of these.

He's not asking for a job.

He's offering a job.

How are you not getting this?

What does it look like I'm doing?

What do people do with this motion?

A hand job.

I was-- that's what I was getting at.

Yeah, I'd think about it.

It wasn't worth it.

But we got there.

Hey, we saw you take the flyer.

We saw you take it.

Oh.

Caitlin.

Oh, my-- what's wrong?

OK.

I was-- I was just having drinks with my friend.

And out of nowhere she tells me that her boyfriend dumped her.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

And you know, it's hard for her

because she's going through a breakup.

But it's even harder for me because I have to listen

to her talk about her breakup.

Sweetie, come here.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I can't believe that she would do that to you.

I don't understand what happened.

You know, I thought that they were really happy.

I mean, I never said anything before.

But I thought she was an asshole.

This breakup is bumming me out.

Mm-hmm.

And it sucks because, like, my life is amazing, you know?

I have a boyfriend.

Do you know what, though, Caitlin?

There are so many women out there

with boyfriends who would-- look at me-- women who would love,

love to be your friend, who would kill, OK?

Ugh.

She says she wants to do a girls weekend.

Mm-hmm.

I don't have time to plan that.

I have a great job.

My life is amazing right now.

Like, it's like I can't stop getting promotions.

No, no, do not--

do not answer that.

No, Caitlin--

Maybe it's her telling me they got back together.

- Caitlin, no! - Maybe.

Give it to me.

Do you want to get hurt again?

OK?

If you go back to her, she is going to act like everything

is nice and normal.

And then, boom, she is going to steer every conversation back

to her ex-boyfriend.

This is what she does. - Yeah.

I know.

This couple is bad for you.

Yeah.

Wait.

He's bad for-- he's bad for your friend, and that affects--

your friend's boyfriend broke up with her.

And that's not healthy.

I don't know.

The logic is confusing.

I'm 31, and I have a single friend.

Hey.

My mom was 35 and had a single friend.

OK.

Well, that is just something that sad women

say to other sad women.

- Stop it! - It is.

Don't even put that out in the universe.

It's out there!

No, stop it.

All you can do is focus on you.

You have a boyfriend.

Yeah, I know.

And, like, honestly he's, like, so hot and makes so much money.

Like, it's literally insane how, like, amazing my life is.

There you go.

OK?

That's enough.

Do you want to open a bottle of wine

and jerk off to "Mythbusters" together?

Yes.

- OK. - It's perfect.

There you go.

Hey, Mom?

Not great.

I have a friend who has a friend who's going through a breakup.

I know.

It's just so annoying.

Hey, Victoria!

Cool Goth look.

What got into you?

Eleanor Hickox.

I've had to go out with her every night this week.

Oh, no.

She DJed this Fashion Week party.

The sun was up when we got out.

like a vampire.

And here I thought you were so freaking excited.

Yeah, I am so friggin' excited!

I'll pick you up in an Uber at 6:00 PM.

Guys, guess who is going to Cara Delevingne's launch party

tonight?

I hate you.

And I just signed the DJ for the event, Eleanor Hickox.

Whoa! - What?

You are kidding!

No, I don't kid.

She has the best Instagram.

Plus, she's so pretty.

And she's British.

And she's my new BFF.

BRB, you guys.

I got to take a "Victoria" lap.

Ha.

"Ka-kow."

BRB-- you really need to stop doing that

every time you sign someone.

I love gloating via light cardio.

Pew! Pew!

Pew!

That's my air horn.

- Beep, beep, beep, beep! - That's a car.

That's my air horn.

Do you have a cold?

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Yeah.

This is good.

I'm just gonna--

Delivery!

Eleanor sent you breakfast and these flowers.

Really cute.

Aw!

Hey.

No. - Yes.

No.

No.

This is how she gets me, you guys.

She dangles cool stuff in front of me.

You are living the dream.

Listen to this text.

Hey, V, it's L. Hope

you had a smash night last night.

The guy in the fedora was asking about you.

So funny. Hee-hee-hee.

Ciao.

Oh, she says ciao?

Oh, my gosh.

She just tagged me in this Insta.

Unreal.

Oh!

That's a really good picture of you.

I am asleep.

Uh, FaceTime.

FaceTime-- new client.

- No. - You have to.

No.

You have to-- new client.

You guys are no help.

ELEANOR HICKOX [ON Hi, lovely.

Hi!

Ignore my last message.

We've got a charity cocktail hour tonight.

So I'll need you to pick up my dress, OK?

OK.

And, oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

I forgot. I'm being brain dead.

We've also got a new club opener tonight.

So I'll text you the addy.

Kisses.

Bye.

Bye.

I just-- I said bye too.

Oh, no! Why?

Why?

No.

Mm.

I'll go with you tonight.

Really?

Oh, heck, yeah.

I would go, but I have to go to Whole Foods.

I'm taking a class on aloe.

Why?

At 4:00 AM, she made me do espresso shots.

And then we had to go dancing again.

Oh.

I have so much glitter inside of my underwear.

Ooh.

So much glitter.

She texts me constantly.

She wants to be on the list for every cool party.

It's crazy.

Look, clients always want their publicist

to be one of three things--

a mother, a brother, and a whore in the kitchen.

It's hardest when they want all three.

For real.

Hmm.

Now, I mean, back in the day-- and I'm sorry to repeat myself.

But I had to go to all Jared Leto's band's gigs

and pretend to like it.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

The man is gorgeous.

He looks like a pony boy, like Jesus.

Yum, yum juicy fruit.

But jeez, "30 Seconds to Mars?"

What does that even mean?

What does it mean?

How do you do this every night?

I don't. I have a daughter.

That's why I hire a young publicist such as yourself

to do all the work for me-- easy breezy, taco peasy.

Hey, could you call her and tell

her I'm on another job tonight?

Victoria, does that look like something I would do for you?

- It was worth a shot. - Mm.

My advice?

Learn to deal with her and learn to get solid REM

sleep in any five-minute cab ride.

And bring a change of panties.

You don't want that glitter gumming it up.

Oh, how do you spell uterus?

U-T-E-R-U-S.

Ah.

Ooh.

Images.

I'll go get that panty tube.

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, thanks so much for coming in person.

I-- - No problem.

didn't want to do this over text.

Oh, man, I just--

I want to say, girl, this

is kind of difficult for me because the time

we have spent these past few days has been amazing.

It's just some of the most fun I've ever had.

Like, seriously--

Before I forget.

Yeah?

I've got a prezzie for you.

What is it?

Just tickets to Tom Ford's birthday party in Mallorca.

Are you kidding me?

His team sent them over.

Oh, my-- wait a minute, how am I going to get to Mallorca?

We leave Tuesday by private jet.

You can thank my dad.

Thank you!

What?

Thank you!

Thank you!

Wah!

This is so cool.

This is, like, the coolest--

I love to hook up my team for their hard work and dedication.

- And I am dedicated. - Mm.

Yes.

So what was it you wanted to talk about?

I-- cool DJ stuff.

Yes, perfect.

I've got a big gig coming up in Morocco.

Mm-hmm.

And I want to make a statement.

OK.

I was thinking about showing up nude.

OK.

OK?

But it's not going to be my body, right?

Not your body. - Not my body.

- OK. - We'll have a stand in.

And I'm thinking it's going to be a projection.

Your head, like, on someone else's body.

Yes. What do you think?

I think that I want to get you all of the things

that you want.

Oh, I'm so happy because there's so many other things

that I want.

Today we're going to be making water.

And for your slow minds out there,

I'm sure that sounds pretty boring.

That's because I haven't told you

that there's an explosion yet.

Helping me today is Billy--

he's just a kid-- and Tony.

Tony.

What's up?

Just being cool here too.

I was a cold kid--

nice leather jacket, Tony.

Where'd you get it?

I don't know-- a store.

That's where--

that's where people get all kinds of jackets,

from different stores.

What?

Right.

Water.

Tony, do you know what molecules are in water?

I do! Hydrogen--

Quiet!

Did I ask you anything?

I just wondered if you knew what molecules

were in water because--

Ah, I'm not a chump.

What?

So the molecules in water--

Two hydrogens and one oxygen.

Thank you, nerd.

Right?

Look, hey, I'm only here to score

enough cash to fix my Harley.

Oh, yeah, man, hogs.

I love hogs too-- cruising or just leaning on them

or going to some sort of, like, show with it.

Mr. Browning, can you do the experiment?

I can't even remember what I was saying!

God!

So let's go ahead and put on our protective eyeglasses here.

And you can-- maybe I won't put them on because I'm

not scared of it.

Danger is like watching TV for me.

Hey, Tony, let's get out of here.

Yeah, all right.

Well, but you're gonna miss the coolest part.

I'm the coolest part.

Well, I guess it's just you and me.

OK.

I'm watching them leave.

So you just stay totally quiet.

Carbon monoxide, the silent killer.

One faulty gas heater or stove, and that's all she wrote.

It happened to little Sally Rogers,

my friend and junior high--

killed her whole family.

They gave us two days off for that--

two whole days.

To test the effects of carbon "mono-oxide" on the human body,

my producer's leaking the gas into this

closed set as I speak.

OK.

I'm starting to experience headache

and light nausea, which is consistent with exposure

to 50 to 110 PPN.

Yep.

It's confirmed-- unsafe.

Time to get out of here.

I know.

We're here.

Doors are locked from the outside?

Unsafe.

Not a panicking time.

Where's the janitor?

Janitors that have an hour-and-a-half lunch break--

unsafe.

Unsafe. Unsafe.

Unsafe.

It's not real.

Big studio windows-- unsafe.

God! Oh!

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

Is someone trying to kill me?

Oh.

Is this your house?

Bye, y'all.

Enjoy Disney World, y'all.

Thanks for coming to the Mickey Mouse Club.

Enjoy EPCOT too, so you can also learn.

M-I-C-K-E-- Y did you bring me here, Justin?

Don't play the full, Britney.

They're obviously pairing us together I'd.

Rather have control.

I trust you received the contract?

I had my mother, Lynn, fax it over this morning.

Yes, my mother, also named Lynn, gave it to me.

But I read it myself.

Impressive.

Let's begin.

Let's just state facts right off the top.

I don't like you.

You don't like me.

But if we're smart, we can milk this for all

it's worth until we're dead--

25 by industry standards.

It's true.

Together we're unstoppable.

We can both sing, dance, and act.

And I can rap.

Mm-hmm.

But what really sets us apart?

Our ambition.

I'm not afraid to be slutty.

Let's just get into the parameters, shall we?

Article 1, I propose we delay our official relationship

until we've both completed our respective puberties.

Yes, all 14-year-olds are oily little pigs, even us.

We'll take two years off from the spotlight.

I'll become a better singer.

And I'll get worse.

Article 2, subsection B, when we re-emerge,

it will be as sexual teens.

I will be a solo artist.

And you, we'll put you in a group.

Why do I have to be in a group?

What about Michael Jackson?

Girl.

All right.

Article 3, when we're 18, we'll announce

that we're officially a couple.

Can we--

Where matching denim outfits?

Yes.

Cool.

Great.

Same page.

Let's talk the breakup.

I think it should be long and messy.

I absolutely agree.

Article 3, subsection C, I retain

the rights to use the breakup of my first solo single.

Why do you get the breakup song?

I'm the girl.

Cry me a river.

Ooh, that's good.

Write that down. - Really?

Yeah.

OK.

There is, of course, the topic of our competition

and how we dispose of them.

Yes.

Christina Aguilera, she's almost as good of a singer as me.

Mm-hmm.

We can only defeat her if we unite

in our power just like Germany and Japan during World War II.

Are we the Nazis in this scenario?

I don't know, Mr. I Went to a Regular School

Not on the Studio Lot.

I got 45 minutes a day.

And I can read, can't I?

Isn't that enough?

Lower your voice, you animal.

I don't know if I can do this, Justin.

I feel, like, well, I'm not a girl.

I'm not yet a woman.

Ooh, write that down.

Really?

Yeah.

Girl-- G--

U?

So close.

G-I-- G-I-R-R-L, girl.

All right.

Sign here, initial here, and then have your Lynn sign here.

What about your competition, Justin?

What about JC Chasez?

Oh, my god, imagine.

No.

We should kill him.

No.