All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E05.Dinner.Is.Like.a.Nighttime.Version.of.Breakfast.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

World's largest ketchup bottle
nears its expiration date.

Was Dracula the greatest
movie monster of all time?

Lawmakers should have
an answer by Friday.

The opera has come to
town, but will it stay?

But with dust storms in
record numbers this summer,

this new speedy wash is
sure to make a splash.

With Channel Four Waco
Valley, I'm Lon Johnson.

Oh, that was perfect.

All right, I'm just
going to put a tape in,

and we can film it for
real this time, OK?

So you didn't get any of that?

Of course not.

One shot.

We just did 12 takes.

Randy, please tell me you
have a tape in that bag.

Of course I brought a tape.

I'm not an idiot.

No, Randy, you're
a brilliant man.

You're like Ben Franklin's
smarter brother.

Sven Franklin.

Nailed me.
You just nailed me.

I'm not talking to you.

Just exactly how
addictive is crystal meth?

We've put our Channel Six junior
detectives on task to find out.

When we get back, we'll
be talking shop with Shocky

Top and the Shop Talks.

Hello, Lonnie.

Cassandra Martinez.

Tell me you were
just reporting

on the opening of some
shitty suburban car wash.

That is too good.

Yeah, well maybe you're too
good at making people puke,

I mean, with your face.

With--

There was a triple homicide
inside the Speedy Wash

last night and we were
first on the scene.

Just wrapped.

Have a nice day, dick face.

Wow.

That would have been
such a great story.

Just don't-- just
don't say it, thanks.

Three people.
That's triple.

Yes, I know.

Up next, Waco Valley's
new $6 billion Imaginarium.

The world's first
aquarium without fish.

Valentine's Day
has been canceled.

But try telling that
to your girlfriend.

An all-fat cast of Grease?

Finally.

Inside the car wash, there
was more blood than water.

And now, a word from the
mayor of Waco Valley.

Dinner is like a nighttime
version of breakfast.

Thank you, Mayor.

Blood now leaking.

Could we watch anything
other than this, please?

Police are saying there's
nothing they can do.

But with homicides
in record numbers

this summer, this new Speedy
Wash is sure to make a slash.

With Waco Valley News 10,
I'm Cassandra Martinez.

Slash.

That's pretty good.

Goddamn it.

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is Seven Minutes
in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with
musician Joanna Newsom.

Hi, Joanna.
- Hi.

How are you?

I'm very well, thanks.

So your--

Your debut full-length
album, Milk-Eyed Mender,

sold 200,000 copies.

Did not chart.

More recently, your triple
album, Have One On Me,

peaked at 75 on
the Billboard 200

and sold 50,000
in its first year.

Better, but still.

What's the game plan for
getting the numbers going?

Best guess, within
10, if you can get it,

how many cat buttholes do you
think you've seen in your life?

You know how they
raise their tail?

Right.

Maybe, like, two.

Just-- but for each two
of those, just, like--

A million times.

Just an endless
stream of buttholes,

do you know what I mean?

But two?

I don't know many cats.

I'm allergic.

You don't know a lot of cats?

I don't know a lot of cats.

This is the part of
the show that's called--

I hate this.

I hate it so much.

What do you hate about it?

Just how bad it tastes?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

I think so.

I hope so.

All right.

Here we go.

Was this what you were thinking?

No.

Um, let's see.

Hey, kids.

Hey, kids.

Joanna and I are
now going to show you

the evil clowns that will
come, um, haunt your house

if you ever try drugs.

So Joanna, you know
how to play piano.

So good.

So good.

You're so good at piano.

Will you play a little
something for us?

Agree, I think we
should just go with it.

OK, yeah.

Wait, can I play drums?

Yes.

I'd like it if--

The grossest thing in
the world just happened.

The worst--

the worst piano fell on
the grossest chicken.

Oh.

This just went in there.

They met.

Those are two people
that never needed to meet.

Well, thank you so
much for doing this.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you so much.

I'm a really big fan
of all your albums.

Early ones where you sing like
that, the more recent ones

where you sing like that.

The ones where you talk about
the animals and the ones

where you talk
about the cockles.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So.

Do you wanna--

Oh, yeah.

Just took
over the food plan.

The caterers will
set up at 4:00 PM.

We are doing the mini
tacos, not the tostadas.

So now the tacos will
be a taco bar, so people

have to make their own tacos.

And we found that
people tend to--

What?

Does someone have
a tostada allergy?

No one told us this.
This is the first I'm hearing--

No.

Sorry, I-- I saw bug,
and it freaked me out.

Keep going.

OK.

We found that people tend to
gravitate towards this option.

Why are you muting?

You guys, James Franco, the
actor, director, writer, poet,

cobbler, masseuse,
Hibachi chef, birder,

potentially gay man, street
performer, origami folder--

Paige, I
know who James Franco is.

What is the point?

He just started
following me on Instagram.

Really?

I followed him, and then
he followed me right back.

Today is the greatest day of
my young social media life.

Paige, I admire you so much.

You're like an approachable
Gwyneth Paltrow.

Thank you.

And you are a human clementine.

You know, one of those
tiny travel size oranges.

Thank you.

I feel like you live your
life in the filter Rise.

You guys, we need to
capitalize on this Franco

follow.

#FF.

Franco Follow.

I thought we
weren't allowed to say

hashtag out loud anymore.

#BanLifted.

You guys can say hashtag again.

I give you permission.

You're welcome.

What about this call?

Guys, in PR triage, this
clearly takes priority.

Samantha, hi.

It's Victoria here.

Could you just give us a rundown
of the specialty cocktail menu,

the load in times, and any
VIPs coming from your end?

Thank you.

OK, you guys, I'm a total
Francophile, so we got this.

OK.

Yeah, we do.

Victoria, teach me your ways.

Lily, watch and learn.

OK, so the first
thing we need to do

is make sure that your
feed is Franco-friendly.

Should I delete all the
photos that make me look basic?

Like all the photos
where I'm drinking Rose

and the repost of Kristin Bell?

No, leave those.

Those are part of your charm.

Now we need to post a new photo.

OK, guys, Franco is an artist.

So what about something artsy?

We want something that
says, hey, I'm Paige.

I'm a woman of means
who's available for all

of your making out needs.

You have a boyfriend.

Do I?

Yeah.

Ooh, what if I'm doing art?

- Perfect.
- Love it.

Cute.
Cute.

I like that.
Yeah.

It's great.

Wait a minute.

Who is that?

That's Tom Selleck.

Selleck.

The original Franco.

Or I should be appealing
to his poetry sensibility.

I can post lyrics of Sam Smith.

Is that too emo?

A thoughtful selfie?

Yes.

Adorable.

Wait.

Is that Kardashian selfie good?

I mean, my butt's
not in it, so no.

Whatever.

I'm just going to post a
picture of my cat acting human.

And brilliant.

Great.

He liked it.

You guys, we did it.

We did it.

I'm going to like this.

Lily, I want you
to like this, too.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Wait a
minute, where is it?

I don't see his like here.

No.

Oh my god.

He unfollowed me.

Why me?

Is it me?

- Paige, look at me.
- Is it my hair?

Look at me.

Is it my center part?

It's not your fault?

Disappearing without a trace,
that is such a Franco move.

He's just like
the Cheshire Cat.

You don't know if
it's real or not.

What is she talking about?

Do you know what
she's talking about?

What is that?
Is that a DJ?

Good.

She's been distracted
enough to move on.

OK, let's finish this call.

It's really hot in here.

Hi, Samantha.

Hi, Samantha.

Those are great VIPs.

Yes, absolutely.

Very excited about
the guest list.

Very excited.

Thanksgiving has always been
my least favorite holiday.

It's stressful and
there's family tension.

I dread it every year.

So this year, I'm
doing something new.

I'm celebrating Selfsgiving.

I'm just so thankful that none
of you could be here today.

When you think about it,
everything about Thanksgiving

should be awesome.

It's the people who
make it terrible.

It's dry.

I need more sauce.

And there's none left in there.

Oh my god, was the sauce--

I don't
want his sauce.

It's garbage sauce.

Robert ate the sauce.

I want my own sauce!

You could just go home
and get your own sauce.

And while Friendsgiving
fixes the people problem,

the food is always worse.

Last year, I made a turkey.

And my friends brought wine
and chips, because they

are lazy alcoholics.

With Selfsgiving, I had to do
exactly what I want to do--

just eat.

But haven't you had enough wine?

No, Mom.

I've never had enough wine.

Now we're going to say
grace to whatever god

I would like to pray to.

Dear Whitney Houston.

Who here has a problem
with gay people?

No one.

I'm so happy.

And then when I'm done,
I roll up the tablecloth,

throw it all out, and watch Real
Housewives until I fall asleep.

No, I don't hate my family.

I just don't like being around
them or talking to them.

I have more reasons, too.

I have to have more reasons.

I don't know if hell
is other people.

But right now, I'm in heaven.

Now, get the
out of my house.

Go ahead.

Get the out.

Excuse me, handsome man.

What, did you walk out
of a J.Crew catalog?

Do you want to be
part of a dating game?

Excuse me, sir, would you
like to play a dating game

and meet the love
of your life today?

Sure, why not?

Are you single?

Are you single?
Where are you guys from?

- From Belgium.
- Belgium.

Belgium?
I love your beer!

Excuse me, Miss,
would you like to take

part in a dating
game which is going

to happen, like, right now?

Sure.

All, right so
we've just brought up

all of our contestants
from the street.

The bachelorette has not yet
seen any of the bachelors.

She's going to ask the
men a series of questions.

And based on their answers,
we'll pick her favorite.

Do you guys feel
the romance in the room?

We do.

All right, let's get started.

Welcome to the
game, everybody.

We're very happy to
have you all here.

First off, we have our
lovely bachelorette, Dani.

Right, is that your name?

That is, yes.

How do you spell Dani?

D-A-N-I.

Oh, wonderful.
It sounds like you've an accent.

Where are you from?

I'm originally
from South Africa.

Oh, can I play?

No.

Dani, we're going
to introduce to you

our bachelors without
giving away their names.

Dave, do you want to
tell us who we have here?

Bachelor number one, just
tell us where you're from.

I'm from Belgium.

What's your favorite
ice cream flavor?

Pistachio.

Oh, so mysterious.

Batch number two,
where are you from?

Bronx, New York.
I'm Italian.

Oh. Pizza.

- Hey, how are you doing?
- All right.

Bachelor number three,
where are you from?

- From Brussels.
- What?

OK.
- Dani, we've met the bachelors.

Are you ready to play the game?

Let's do it.

You see me in the park
and want to ask me out.

What's your opening line?

We're going to start
with bachelor number one.

Girl, I have a--

I have an apartment over
here at Central Park.

Let me have a cup
of coffee with you.

That was like a
Belgian man trying

to impersonate an American man.

Bachelor number three, what
would be your opening line?

I'll ask you, do
you have Tinder?

And if you say yes, I'll
swipe you to the right.

It's time for dinner, and
you have absolutely no money.

How do you feed me?

How would you feed her?

You have no money.

If you go on a date with me,
you'll-- you won't be hungry.

That might have been romantic
or really sexual and creepy.

I don't know.

Bachelor number two.

Um, go punch the guy at
McDonald's in the face.

You have no money,
bachelor number one.

She's hungry.

How do you feed her?

Guess I'll take her to a
restaurant, nice restaurant.

Not able to pay, so
I guess in the end,

I'll need to clean the dishes.

Wow.

She won't know.
She won't know.

We're in the
bedroom making love.

And you can only make animal
noises the whole time.

What would it be?

What would that sound like?

Bachelor number
two, let's hear it.

What would be the animal
noise that you would make?

Oh, I could see how
that's functional, too.

Bachelor number one made that
sound because he's indicating

something else about himself.

Oh.

He likes galloping.

That's not what I meant.

Dani, let me ask you, of
these three gentlemen,

who is it that you would like
to spend the rest of your life

with?

Do you think it
would be bachelor

number one, bachelor number
two, or bachelor number three?

Bachelor number one.

Give it up for
Carl, everybody.

Dani, please rise and
meet Carl in the center.

Say hello.
- Nice to meet you.

Ooh, he kissed
her on the cheek.

This is real.

I love it.

Guys, we like to share the
first dance with every couple.

So if you guys would
just assume the position.

Dave do you want to explain
to Dani what she needs to do?

Dani, just interlock your
fingers behind his head.

As the lady, you want
to show your date

that he's not going anywhere.

That's a little close.

Leave a little bit more
room for Jesus, maybe.

Just here.

Thank you.

And we're going to
sway just like this.

This is really nice.

I know you can't
hear the music,

but we hear it
inside of our minds.

Well, guys, you can
refrain from dancing.

I appreciate you indulging us.

Do you have any plans for
this-this lovely date?

She's staying over here.

That's an important question.

I actually do have an
apartment in the city.

Touche.

We'll see whether
you get an invite.

I like it.

She's got sass.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for joining us.

See you next time, guys.

Throughout
human history,

there have been
legendary assholes.

Many will be remembered.

Hitler, Stalin, Gargamel.

But today, we honor the
forgotten assholes of history.

Now these days when you're
asked to picture a witch,

it would probably be of
a woman with mad hair

on a broomstick, or
Melissa Joan Hart,

or maybe the exemplary
performances of the best

movie of the 90s, The Craft.

But back in 17th
century England,

they were seen as
a grave threat.

And it was this guy,
Matthew Hopkins,

who was sent to look for them.

But here's the thing.

Before he came along,
nobody was really

that worried about witches.

Because Hopkins did what
all great entrepreneurs do.

He created a market and then
reaped the bountiful rewards.

Matthew Hopkins was witchfinder
general for three years

from 1644 to '47,
during which time

he ordered more than 300 women
to be hanged for witchcraft.

More than were executed
for the same crime

in the previous hundred years.

Because clearly, being a
woman in the 17th century

wasn't hard enough.

He traveled the length and
breadth of the country,

going from town to town
to root out their witches

and only stopped when he died
of tuberculosis at the ripe old

age of 28, a disease
he contracted

after he was cursed
to live in a time

with no antibiotics and
poor preventative medicine.

Now, just a reminder
here that the 1640s

really wasn't that long ago,
intellectually speaking.

Shakespeare was dead.

Galileo's works had
all been published.

And Hugh Hefner was
on his third marriage.

In fact, many of Hopkins'
techniques for finding witches

were technically illegal
because they were essentially

torture, which had recently been
banned for being too medieval.

Techniques such as
sleep deprivation,

dousing, and being
made to eat turkey legs

while two overweight men joust.

Oh, what's that?

That's just medieval times?

So it's not
historically accurate.

Now I have to cancel
my birthday party.

Great.

To add to this, Hopkins
just straight up

changed the rules as to
what made you a witch.

Previously, witches were
punished for specific crimes

that they had committed.

So like, if they
were accused of, say,

turning a cow inside
out, they were

charged with killing the cow.

But, like the last round of
a limbo dancing competition

at a Cirque Du
Soleil afterparty,

Hopkins' bar was
dramatically lower.

He only needed proof that
they had made a covenant

with the devil, which normally
meant having some kind

of devil's mark on their body.

So bad luck if you had literally
any moles-- basically, i.e.,

were British.

Look, we're a very pale people.

He also, and here's the
thing that really makes him

a rancid boil on the
putrid face of history,

got paid a bunch of money
to search out these witches.

And he basically did
it on commission,

meaning the more witches he
found, the more money he got.

Yeah, he was kind of like the
no win/no fee injury attorney

of his day.

Hear ye, hear ye.

If I do not catch thine witches
a day, your day in court

is free.

And let's just take a moment
here to acknowledge the fact

that witches do not exist.

There is no such
thing as witchcraft.

It's a lie.

I'm sorry, sad teens.

OK, just open your curtains,
put down the eyeliner,

and step away from
the pentagram.

It's going to be OK.

Matthew Hopkins
is a great example

of how one dipshit can
influence the course of history.

What he was peddling was
essentially bunk science,

exploiting a fear that
people didn't know that they

had for fun and profit.

Sort of like if Jenny McCarthy
got to hang out with people

who disagreed with her.

Her name tastes bad on my mouth.

So Matthew Hopkins,
may your name

forever live on in
ignominy, you cheating,

lying, woman murdering .

Yeah, no, he died.

Yeah.

Sidecar.

Yep.

Um, hold on, let me check.

Hey, did you guys see a guy
in a red, white, and blue cape

with an eagle biting through
a chain on his chest?

He talks to birds.

No?

Hello?

Yeah, no.

Yeah, he's not here.

All we got is a guy
who can fracture

your bones with his mind.

Hey-o.

And then we got
another guy who can fly,

but only when he's invisible.

Yeah.

Hey, you don't talk
to birds, do you?

What the fuck is a bird?

I'm not even going to bother.

There's no way that's him.

No, he's not here.

Me?

I shit bricks.

Yeah.

I shit bricks.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, it's super weird.

OK.

Oh, he's a superhero?

OK, then he is
definitely not here.

This is a sidekick bar.

Yeah, sidekicks only.

OK.

What?

No, I think that's pretty
much all you need to know.

OK.

All right now.

Bye-bye.

I think that was Lou
Diamond Phillips.

Saving-- I'm
not saving anyone.

I can't even save myself.

Oh, man.

Some hero, huh?

He's sloppy.

That guy's sloppy.

Like, he's like-- he's like
second Olsen twin level sloppy.

Kind of like Robin
Williams in The Fisher King.

Mercedes rule.

Rule number two-- do me a
favor and make me a drink.

And if you can, don't use those
weird hands of yours.

All right.

You're cut off, buddy.

We shouldn't even be serving
your type anyway, hero.

Ain't that right Blu-ray?

My name is Bluejay.

I've told you so many
times that it is.

But yes, my friend has a point.

You need to relax.

All right, Lady Jay.

Let's do this.

It's not Lady
Jay, it is Bluejay.

And I don't like confrontation.

So Fracture, maybe you'd
like to handle this.

Why don't you
calm down, Lady Jay?

It's Bluejay.

OK.

Calm down.

Hey.

You take your
perfect little curl,

and you get the
hell out of our bar.

Perfect little curl.

Sloppy like it all sent to.

And you know what you guys are?
- Don't say it.

Do not-- don't say the word.

Don't say that word.

You guys are tiny.

We asked you nicely.

You don't have any
physical prowess.

Listen up, homie.

Dumb powers.

We asked you not to, but
you're still going to say it?

Stupid costumes.

Don't say it.

Yo, don't say the word I
think you're going to say, OK?

You're sidekicks.

There she goes.

Oops.

Oh.

That just happened.

Whoa.

Now that happened.

Welcome to the Sidecar.