Original subtitles

World's largest ketchup bottle nears its expiration date.

Was Dracula the greatest movie monster of all time?

Lawmakers should have an answer by Friday.

The opera has come to town, but will it stay?

But with dust storms in record numbers this summer,

this new speedy wash is sure to make a splash.

With Channel Four Waco Valley, I'm Lon Johnson.

Oh, that was perfect.

All right, I'm just going to put a tape in,

and we can film it for real this time, OK?

So you didn't get any of that?

Of course not.

One shot.

We just did 12 takes.

Randy, please tell me you have a tape in that bag.

Of course I brought a tape.

I'm not an idiot.

No, Randy, you're a brilliant man.

You're like Ben Franklin's smarter brother.

Sven Franklin.

Nailed me. You just nailed me.

I'm not talking to you.

Just exactly how addictive is crystal meth?

We've put our Channel Six junior detectives on task to find out.

When we get back, we'll be talking shop with Shocky

Top and the Shop Talks.

Hello, Lonnie.

Cassandra Martinez.

Tell me you were just reporting

on the opening of some shitty suburban car wash.

That is too good.

Yeah, well maybe you're too good at making people puke,

I mean, with your face.

With--

There was a triple homicide inside the Speedy Wash

last night and we were first on the scene.

Just wrapped.

Have a nice day, dick face.

Wow.

That would have been such a great story.

Just don't-- just don't say it, thanks.

Three people. That's triple.

Yes, I know.

Up next, Waco Valley's new $6 billion Imaginarium.

The world's first aquarium without fish.

Valentine's Day has been canceled.

But try telling that to your girlfriend.

An all-fat cast of Grease?

Finally.

Inside the car wash, there was more blood than water.

And now, a word from the mayor of Waco Valley.

Dinner is like a nighttime version of breakfast.

Thank you, Mayor.

Blood now leaking.

Could we watch anything other than this, please?

Police are saying there's nothing they can do.

But with homicides in record numbers

this summer, this new Speedy Wash is sure to make a slash.

With Waco Valley News 10, I'm Cassandra Martinez.

Slash.

That's pretty good.

Goddamn it.

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is Seven Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with musician Joanna Newsom.

Hi, Joanna. - Hi.

How are you?

I'm very well, thanks.

So your--

Your debut full-length album, Milk-Eyed Mender,

sold 200,000 copies.

Did not chart.

More recently, your triple album, Have One On Me,

peaked at 75 on the Billboard 200

and sold 50,000 in its first year.

Better, but still.

What's the game plan for getting the numbers going?

Best guess, within 10, if you can get it,

how many cat buttholes do you think you've seen in your life?

You know how they raise their tail?

Right.

Maybe, like, two.

Just-- but for each two of those, just, like--

A million times.

Just an endless stream of buttholes,

do you know what I mean?

But two?

I don't know many cats.

I'm allergic.

You don't know a lot of cats?

I don't know a lot of cats.

This is the part of the show that's called--

I hate this.

I hate it so much.

What do you hate about it?

Just how bad it tastes?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

I think so.

I hope so.

All right.

Here we go.

Was this what you were thinking?

No.

Um, let's see.

Hey, kids.

Hey, kids.

Joanna and I are now going to show you

the evil clowns that will come, um, haunt your house

if you ever try drugs.

So Joanna, you know how to play piano.

So good.

So good.

You're so good at piano.

Will you play a little something for us?

Agree, I think we should just go with it.

OK, yeah.

Wait, can I play drums?

Yes.

I'd like it if--

The grossest thing in the world just happened.

The worst--

the worst piano fell on the grossest chicken.

Oh.

This just went in there.

They met.

Those are two people that never needed to meet.

Well, thank you so much for doing this.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you so much.

I'm a really big fan of all your albums.

Early ones where you sing like that, the more recent ones

where you sing like that.

The ones where you talk about the animals and the ones

where you talk about the cockles.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So.

Do you wanna--

Oh, yeah.

Just took over the food plan.

The caterers will set up at 4:00 PM.

We are doing the mini tacos, not the tostadas.

So now the tacos will be a taco bar, so people

have to make their own tacos.

And we found that people tend to--

What?

Does someone have a tostada allergy?

No one told us this. This is the first I'm hearing--

No.

Sorry, I-- I saw bug, and it freaked me out.

Keep going.

OK.

We found that people tend to gravitate towards this option.

Why are you muting?

You guys, James Franco, the actor, director, writer, poet,

cobbler, masseuse, Hibachi chef, birder,

potentially gay man, street performer, origami folder--

Paige, I know who James Franco is.

What is the point?

He just started following me on Instagram.

Really?

I followed him, and then he followed me right back.

Today is the greatest day of my young social media life.

Paige, I admire you so much.

You're like an approachable Gwyneth Paltrow.

Thank you.

And you are a human clementine.

You know, one of those tiny travel size oranges.

Thank you.

I feel like you live your life in the filter Rise.

You guys, we need to capitalize on this Franco

follow.

#FF.

Franco Follow.

I thought we weren't allowed to say

hashtag out loud anymore.

#BanLifted.

You guys can say hashtag again.

I give you permission.

You're welcome.

What about this call?

Guys, in PR triage, this clearly takes priority.

Samantha, hi.

It's Victoria here.

Could you just give us a rundown of the specialty cocktail menu,

the load in times, and any VIPs coming from your end?

Thank you.

OK, you guys, I'm a total Francophile, so we got this.

OK.

Yeah, we do.

Victoria, teach me your ways.

Lily, watch and learn.

OK, so the first thing we need to do

is make sure that your feed is Franco-friendly.

Should I delete all the photos that make me look basic?

Like all the photos where I'm drinking Rose

and the repost of Kristin Bell?

No, leave those.

Those are part of your charm.

Now we need to post a new photo.

OK, guys, Franco is an artist.

So what about something artsy?

We want something that says, hey, I'm Paige.

I'm a woman of means who's available for all

of your making out needs.

You have a boyfriend.

Do I?

Yeah.

Ooh, what if I'm doing art?

- Perfect. - Love it.

Cute. Cute.

I like that. Yeah.

It's great.

Wait a minute.

Who is that?

That's Tom Selleck.

Selleck.

The original Franco.

Or I should be appealing to his poetry sensibility.

I can post lyrics of Sam Smith.

Is that too emo?

A thoughtful selfie?

Yes.

Adorable.

Wait.

Is that Kardashian selfie good?

I mean, my butt's not in it, so no.

Whatever.

I'm just going to post a picture of my cat acting human.

And brilliant.

Great.

He liked it.

You guys, we did it.

We did it.

I'm going to like this.

Lily, I want you to like this, too.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Wait a minute, where is it?

I don't see his like here.

No.

Oh my god.

He unfollowed me.

Why me?

Is it me?

- Paige, look at me. - Is it my hair?

Look at me.

Is it my center part?

It's not your fault?

Disappearing without a trace, that is such a Franco move.

He's just like the Cheshire Cat.

You don't know if it's real or not.

What is she talking about?

Do you know what she's talking about?

What is that? Is that a DJ?

Good.

She's been distracted enough to move on.

OK, let's finish this call.

It's really hot in here.

Hi, Samantha.

Hi, Samantha.

Those are great VIPs.

Yes, absolutely.

Very excited about the guest list.

Very excited.

Thanksgiving has always been my least favorite holiday.

It's stressful and there's family tension.

I dread it every year.

So this year, I'm doing something new.

I'm celebrating Selfsgiving.

I'm just so thankful that none of you could be here today.

When you think about it, everything about Thanksgiving

should be awesome.

It's the people who make it terrible.

It's dry.

I need more sauce.

And there's none left in there.

Oh my god, was the sauce--

I don't want his sauce.

It's garbage sauce.

Robert ate the sauce.

I want my own sauce!

You could just go home and get your own sauce.

And while Friendsgiving fixes the people problem,

the food is always worse.

Last year, I made a turkey.

And my friends brought wine and chips, because they

are lazy alcoholics.

With Selfsgiving, I had to do exactly what I want to do--

just eat.

But haven't you had enough wine?

No, Mom.

I've never had enough wine.

Now we're going to say grace to whatever god

I would like to pray to.

Dear Whitney Houston.

Who here has a problem with gay people?

No one.

I'm so happy.

And then when I'm done, I roll up the tablecloth,

throw it all out, and watch Real Housewives until I fall asleep.

No, I don't hate my family.

I just don't like being around them or talking to them.

I have more reasons, too.

I have to have more reasons.

I don't know if hell is other people.

But right now, I'm in heaven.

Now, get the out of my house.

Go ahead.

Get the out.

Excuse me, handsome man.

What, did you walk out of a J.Crew catalog?

Do you want to be part of a dating game?

Excuse me, sir, would you like to play a dating game

and meet the love of your life today?

Sure, why not?

Are you single?

Are you single? Where are you guys from?

- From Belgium. - Belgium.

Belgium? I love your beer!

Excuse me, Miss, would you like to take

part in a dating game which is going

to happen, like, right now?

Sure.

All, right so we've just brought up

all of our contestants from the street.

The bachelorette has not yet seen any of the bachelors.

She's going to ask the men a series of questions.

And based on their answers, we'll pick her favorite.

Do you guys feel the romance in the room?

We do.

All right, let's get started.

Welcome to the game, everybody.

We're very happy to have you all here.

First off, we have our lovely bachelorette, Dani.

Right, is that your name?

That is, yes.

How do you spell Dani?

D-A-N-I.

Oh, wonderful. It sounds like you've an accent.

Where are you from?

I'm originally from South Africa.

Oh, can I play?

No.

Dani, we're going to introduce to you

our bachelors without giving away their names.

Dave, do you want to tell us who we have here?

Bachelor number one, just tell us where you're from.

I'm from Belgium.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Pistachio.

Oh, so mysterious.

Batch number two, where are you from?

Bronx, New York. I'm Italian.

Oh. Pizza.

- Hey, how are you doing? - All right.

Bachelor number three, where are you from?

- From Brussels. - What?

OK. - Dani, we've met the bachelors.

Are you ready to play the game?

Let's do it.

You see me in the park and want to ask me out.

What's your opening line?

We're going to start with bachelor number one.

Girl, I have a--

I have an apartment over here at Central Park.

Let me have a cup of coffee with you.

That was like a Belgian man trying

to impersonate an American man.

Bachelor number three, what would be your opening line?

I'll ask you, do you have Tinder?

And if you say yes, I'll swipe you to the right.

It's time for dinner, and you have absolutely no money.

How do you feed me?

How would you feed her?

You have no money.

If you go on a date with me, you'll-- you won't be hungry.

That might have been romantic or really sexual and creepy.

I don't know.

Bachelor number two.

Um, go punch the guy at McDonald's in the face.

You have no money, bachelor number one.

She's hungry.

How do you feed her?

Guess I'll take her to a restaurant, nice restaurant.

Not able to pay, so I guess in the end,

I'll need to clean the dishes.

Wow.

She won't know. She won't know.

We're in the bedroom making love.

And you can only make animal noises the whole time.

What would it be?

What would that sound like?

Bachelor number two, let's hear it.

What would be the animal noise that you would make?

Oh, I could see how that's functional, too.

Bachelor number one made that sound because he's indicating

something else about himself.

Oh.

He likes galloping.

That's not what I meant.

Dani, let me ask you, of these three gentlemen,

who is it that you would like to spend the rest of your life

with?

Do you think it would be bachelor

number one, bachelor number two, or bachelor number three?

Bachelor number one.

Give it up for Carl, everybody.

Dani, please rise and meet Carl in the center.

Say hello. - Nice to meet you.

Ooh, he kissed her on the cheek.

This is real.

I love it.

Guys, we like to share the first dance with every couple.

So if you guys would just assume the position.

Dave do you want to explain to Dani what she needs to do?

Dani, just interlock your fingers behind his head.

As the lady, you want to show your date

that he's not going anywhere.

That's a little close.

Leave a little bit more room for Jesus, maybe.

Just here.

Thank you.

And we're going to sway just like this.

This is really nice.

I know you can't hear the music,

but we hear it inside of our minds.

Well, guys, you can refrain from dancing.

I appreciate you indulging us.

Do you have any plans for this-this lovely date?

She's staying over here.

That's an important question.

I actually do have an apartment in the city.

Touche.

We'll see whether you get an invite.

I like it.

She's got sass.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us.

See you next time, guys.

Throughout human history,

there have been legendary assholes.

Many will be remembered.

Hitler, Stalin, Gargamel.

But today, we honor the forgotten assholes of history.

Now these days when you're asked to picture a witch,

it would probably be of a woman with mad hair

on a broomstick, or Melissa Joan Hart,

or maybe the exemplary performances of the best

movie of the 90s, The Craft.

But back in 17th century England,

they were seen as a grave threat.

And it was this guy, Matthew Hopkins,

who was sent to look for them.

But here's the thing.

Before he came along, nobody was really

that worried about witches.

Because Hopkins did what all great entrepreneurs do.

He created a market and then reaped the bountiful rewards.

Matthew Hopkins was witchfinder general for three years

from 1644 to '47, during which time

he ordered more than 300 women to be hanged for witchcraft.

More than were executed for the same crime

in the previous hundred years.

Because clearly, being a woman in the 17th century

wasn't hard enough.

He traveled the length and breadth of the country,

going from town to town to root out their witches

and only stopped when he died of tuberculosis at the ripe old

age of 28, a disease he contracted

after he was cursed to live in a time

with no antibiotics and poor preventative medicine.

Now, just a reminder here that the 1640s

really wasn't that long ago, intellectually speaking.

Shakespeare was dead.

Galileo's works had all been published.

And Hugh Hefner was on his third marriage.

In fact, many of Hopkins' techniques for finding witches

were technically illegal because they were essentially

torture, which had recently been banned for being too medieval.

Techniques such as sleep deprivation,

dousing, and being made to eat turkey legs

while two overweight men joust.

Oh, what's that?

That's just medieval times?

So it's not historically accurate.

Now I have to cancel my birthday party.

Great.

To add to this, Hopkins just straight up

changed the rules as to what made you a witch.

Previously, witches were punished for specific crimes

that they had committed.

So like, if they were accused of, say,

turning a cow inside out, they were

charged with killing the cow.

But, like the last round of a limbo dancing competition

at a Cirque Du Soleil afterparty,

Hopkins' bar was dramatically lower.

He only needed proof that they had made a covenant

with the devil, which normally meant having some kind

of devil's mark on their body.

So bad luck if you had literally any moles-- basically, i.e.,

were British.

Look, we're a very pale people.

He also, and here's the thing that really makes him

a rancid boil on the putrid face of history,

got paid a bunch of money to search out these witches.

And he basically did it on commission,

meaning the more witches he found, the more money he got.

Yeah, he was kind of like the no win/no fee injury attorney

of his day.

Hear ye, hear ye.

If I do not catch thine witches a day, your day in court

is free.

And let's just take a moment here to acknowledge the fact

that witches do not exist.

There is no such thing as witchcraft.

It's a lie.

I'm sorry, sad teens.

OK, just open your curtains, put down the eyeliner,

and step away from the pentagram.

It's going to be OK.

Matthew Hopkins is a great example

of how one dipshit can influence the course of history.

What he was peddling was essentially bunk science,

exploiting a fear that people didn't know that they

had for fun and profit.

Sort of like if Jenny McCarthy got to hang out with people

who disagreed with her.

Her name tastes bad on my mouth.

So Matthew Hopkins, may your name

forever live on in ignominy, you cheating,

lying, woman murdering .

Yeah, no, he died.

Yeah.

Sidecar.

Yep.

Um, hold on, let me check.

Hey, did you guys see a guy in a red, white, and blue cape

with an eagle biting through a chain on his chest?

He talks to birds.

No?

Hello?

Yeah, no.

Yeah, he's not here.

All we got is a guy who can fracture

your bones with his mind.

Hey-o.

And then we got another guy who can fly,

but only when he's invisible.

Yeah.

Hey, you don't talk to birds, do you?

What the fuck is a bird?

I'm not even going to bother.

There's no way that's him.

No, he's not here.

Me?

I shit bricks.

Yeah.

I shit bricks.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, it's super weird.

OK.

Oh, he's a superhero?

OK, then he is definitely not here.

This is a sidekick bar.

Yeah, sidekicks only.

OK.

What?

No, I think that's pretty much all you need to know.

OK.

All right now.

Bye-bye.

I think that was Lou Diamond Phillips.

Saving-- I'm not saving anyone.

I can't even save myself.

Oh, man.

Some hero, huh?

He's sloppy.

That guy's sloppy.

Like, he's like-- he's like second Olsen twin level sloppy.

Kind of like Robin Williams in The Fisher King.

Mercedes rule.

Rule number two-- do me a favor and make me a drink.

And if you can, don't use those weird hands of yours.

All right.

You're cut off, buddy.

We shouldn't even be serving your type anyway, hero.

Ain't that right Blu-ray?

My name is Bluejay.

I've told you so many times that it is.

But yes, my friend has a point.

You need to relax.

All right, Lady Jay.

Let's do this.

It's not Lady Jay, it is Bluejay.

And I don't like confrontation.

So Fracture, maybe you'd like to handle this.

Why don't you calm down, Lady Jay?

It's Bluejay.

OK.

Calm down.

Hey.

You take your perfect little curl,

and you get the hell out of our bar.

Perfect little curl.

Sloppy like it all sent to.

And you know what you guys are? - Don't say it.

Do not-- don't say the word.

Don't say that word.

You guys are tiny.

We asked you nicely.

You don't have any physical prowess.

Listen up, homie.

Dumb powers.

We asked you not to, but you're still going to say it?

Stupid costumes.

Don't say it.

Yo, don't say the word I think you're going to say, OK?

You're sidekicks.

There she goes.

Oops.

Oh.

That just happened.

Whoa.

Now that happened.

Welcome to the Sidecar.