All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E04.It.Was.a.Freudian.Swipe.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

So which one of you is
Tegan and which one is Sara?

I'm Tegan.

And I'm Sara.

OK.

Um, maybe switch?

Like seats?

Like seats?

No, like names?

My name's Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach who's
helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

You could just remember that
that's Tegan and this is Sara.

We could just swap seats.

OK, maybe try that.

Crazy person.
There.

All right.

- Tegan, Sara.
- Mm.

I don't think so.

Sara, Tegan.

OK, whatever, I
mean, it's your show.

OK, you know what?

Switch back, maybe?

Let me just--

No, that didn't help.

So I saw that you guys
just lent your voices

to an Oreos commercial.

Mm-hmm.

Um, are there
any other projects

that I should know about?

Oh, well, we just did
a song with Lonely Island

for the "LEGO Movie" called
"Everything Is Awesome."

OK.
Yeah.

- OK.
- Pretty cool.

So you have a new song for
Oreos and a new song for LEGOs.

I'm just wondering,
when did you have time

to write all that new stuff?

Was it during extra recess?

So do you
guys ever switch places

on dates like in '90 sitcoms?

No.

No.

No.

That's not--

It would be weird,
I think, probably.

I don't know.

OK, well, maybe
you should tell

that to the producers
of a little sitcom

called "Sister, Sister."
- "Sister, Sister"?

I would never--
I've never seen it.

Really?

Sister, sister, never
knew how much I missed ya.

Living in a family tree
and [mumbling words]...

Sister sister!

Hey, would you guys
like any coffee?

Yes, please.

Yeah, I would love a coffee.

OK, great.

Hey, intern, can you get us
two coffees, while we're young?

Jack!

Jack.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

Intern, what?

Do you--

I don't need it--

I need you to carry on
and get out of here.

OK?

Carry on out of here.

Because we've got
everything we need.

And one of those
things isn't you.

Bye!

So let's get into your
music a little bit.

Some of the song titles
on your newest album,

"Heartthrob," include, "I Was a
Fool" and "I'm Not Your Hero."

OK.

Do you guys have some
kind of like self-esteem

issues or something?

And if you do, do you
think maybe you could just,

like, keep them to yourself?

Because, I don't know,
it's kind of a buzzkill.

A lot of our
audience is really young,

so, I mean, we try to be
really forthcoming and open

about our emotions, you know.

We feel like it's--

they're universal themes.

Everyone's had a
bad day, everyone's

felt bad about themselves.

I never have.

Um, I'm going to read
some lyrics to one

of your newest songs,
"Closer," and give

you, um, some feedback, OK?

"All I want to get is
a little bit closer.

All I want to know is, can
you come a little closer?"

That's really all you guys want?

How about, like, a slightly more
age-appropriate wardrobe, OK?

How about, like, appealing
to an audience that isn't

just angsty girls, all right?

Because all I want right now
is for you guys to make my job

a little bit easier, you know?

And for my dad to treat me
like a person he's related to.

You know, what's
happening right now

is sort of what
music is all about.

We challenge you to ask yourself
questions about what you want.

OK, so, a functioning family,
easier job, and maybe a latte.

Intern!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Who is the fairest of them all?

You, your majesty.

You are the fairest.

Really, mirror?

You don't think I look old?

What?

No.

I think you look young.

I think you look good.

Is that a new cape?

I wear this exact
same outfit every day.

Look, for once, just
be honest with me.

Show me my reflection.

Very well.

OK, that's Charlize Theron.

That's Charlize
Theron playing you.

And to be honest with you,
she looks really tired.

OK.

I love you, but you need to
stop blowing smoke up my ass.

Show me, me.

As you wish.

Puppies!

Don't be dumb!

Young!

No!

Fertilization.

Let me tell you something,
that's as young as it gets,

bitch.
- You know what?

you.

OK, girl, you know what?

You got to be real
with right now.

Like, what's going on?

Because I have very little
energy for this today.

Today is my birthday, mirror.

Today, I am--

22.

6,000 years old.

You're a young 6,000.

It's time to face facts.

I am no longer the fairest.

You know what?

It's a state of mind.

And also, to me,
you are the fairest.

To me, you are an icon.

Look at this.

Look at my flab.

I-- I don't see anything.

You don't see it.

The flab!

All I see is nothing.

Friends need to
be honest with each other.

Remember, Dopey?

I was the only one that told
you he was sleeping with Sleepy.

It's like, are they brothers?

Is he awake when
they're doing it?

You're a mirror.

You're bolted to the wall.

Where did you think
he was getting it?

You're right.

I know you're right.

The other day I was in
the square, I saw this girl.

Name's Coliapia.

Ugh!

I know, but get this, she
is the exact hair I want,

and she smells like bread!

OK, you little shrew,
I know what you're doing.

And I won't say it,
she's not the fairest.

Come here!

Clock the bod.

She's snatched.

Girl, how do you
smell like bread?

I'm the
baker's daughter.

Go!

OK, that's the girl
I met freshman year.

I want to acknowledge the
truth that I'm a little older

and move on.

OK, fine, you're old, but
you're like Cher old, you know?

Fine.

I'll take it.

So what's your day?

I'm going to go to the
forest and feed some girl

some regular apples,
you know, just

to with their heads.

You?

I'm going to hang
out here, I think.

Let's never die!

If I
could turn back time.

Was I off-key?

Time.

Better.

Oh.

T-- T.J. Miller.

Mm-hmm.

R-- Robert King,
your biggest fan.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

I don't know, you
haven't met my mom.

I'm with you.

No, that's good.

No, she's not a big fan.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We won't-- I won't--

That's OK.

I just-- I just
watch your special.

- Really?
- Yeah, really funny.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah, good stuff.

While you're here, can I
ask you a few questions?

- Sure, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Shoot.
- OK, great.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- Shoot the shit.
- Yeah.

We can say that
on the internet.

it, we'll
do it Facebook Live!

Yeah.

Did you know
that I coined that?

You know how that guy goes,
it, we'll do it live?

Yeah, yeah.

I was the first comedian
to say, it,

we'll do it Facebook Live.

That's genius.

Isn't that cool?

That's the coolest.

What a life, huh?

It's a good time to be alive.

It's fine.

You got a-- are you OK?

OK.

All right.
Yeah.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no.

You seem fine.

I'm fine.

OK, it, we'll
do a Facebook Live.

Yeah.

So you're special, "Meticulously
Ridiculous," how much, um,

how much of your
life is meticulous

and how much is r-- ridiculous?

Hm, no one's
ever asked me that.

Yeah.

Maybe like 70-30,
ridiculous to meticulous.

That's a good-- that's
a good percentage.

You have to be
meticulous if you want

to be a comedian on Corner.

OK.

Otherwise, I'd have
it all be ridiculous.

Yeah, no, but that's--

I mean, look at
how I'm dressed.

I don't know how
to answer that.

It wasn't a question.

I just told you to look
at how I'm dressed.

Is this your first conversation?

No, uh, no.

I've had--
- OK.

I've had a ton.

I would assume
throughout your life,

but you're really--
you're barely

making your way through it.

Thanks, man.

You, um, talk about
nightmares in your special.

W-- what's-- what's the--

This would be an example.

Of a special?

No, of a very special
kind of nightmare.

A living, walking,
breathing nightmare--

Right.

would be this conversation.

You just--

Well, it's been
great talking to you.

Oh, I-- I just have a few
more, if you don't mind?

What, um, what is,
uh, "Silicon Valley"?

How-- how will they survive
without you in their lives?

Do you ever worry about that?

No, in fact, I'm sure that
actually a couple of them

are happy with me not around.

I'm sort of, um--

I'm a less funny version
of that character.

Don't-- don't do that.

Don't what?

Don't you insult
yourself, please?

Why?

I'm me.

I can say whatever
I want to myself.

I know--

I'm a little sack of shit.

Don't you do that.

I'm an old dog.

T.J., no.

I got two left feet
and a third right foot.

I'm as big as a pig and
happy as a hog in shit.

Um, you--
you said,

um, you make creative
decisions because it

was an unexpected move.

Is it always smart to
do unexpected things?

Not always.

Like that wasn't very smart.

It hurt and it
wasn't very funny.

I loved it.

But you didn't expect it.

I didn't.

L-- last question.

Oh, wait, I know what
you're going to ask.

What?

Yes.

Yes, I will be
your father figure.

it.

We'll do it Facebook Live.

We'll do a Facebook Live.

Every week, we'll do a
Facebook Live with one another

and watch the other one.

And I'll mentor you.

I'll-- I'll look to
become your father.

We'll have a father-son
relationship on the internet.

Can I call you Papa Miller?

Yeah.

Papa Bear.

Papa--

Papa, baby bear.

Should we do maybe
a quick hug, Papa?

No.

See you soon.

I hope so.

Hey, man, you're one
of the weirdest creeps

I've ever known.

Thanks, Papa.

I think we should try
and make it more sexy,

like, um, to get
more hits going on.

No, thank you.

Like, I'll go do
something like this

and I'll bend over by
accident, and then my nipple--

- Oh, that's vulgar.
- will come out like that.

We're rolling, hun!

It's like that.

Sweetie, I'm making a show!

Please be quiet!

Do not come in
here, we're naked.

And then we'll edit that.

And then it'll go viral.

Craig.

Welcome back to Chit Chat.

Also known as
My Drunken Aunts.

Well, we don't
like to call it that.

I'm Tish.

Let the kids call it that.

They don't care.

Welcome back to Chit Chat.

I'm Tish.

I'm Lizzie.

Mm.

Today's episode is brought
to you by our gorgeous friends

at Russian River Estate,
located in Mission Viejo.

Your wine tastes a very acidic.

It has a bite to it that I
haven't felt in a long time.

Since you had the
crabs in '93, right?

I don't know.

She was on all fours.

I don't know.

And I had a
flashlight and tweezers.

Crabs don't really bite.
They're just really small.

- And I was pulling them.
- Oh, no.

Look, we have Albert here.

You were like
silkwood in the shower.

She was covered.

You know what,
let's look at Albert.

I'm attracted to older women
because they're hot, like you

two, and I'd like to get
down, in quotes, with one,

but I'm sort of nervous
and scared about it,

because it might be gross,
but I think it might

be good, more good than bad.

So I don't know.

Other than the Indian
casinos, where should I go?

Older woman, huh, Albie.

Wow.

Let me tell you something.

"Driving Miss Daisy".

Albert.

Well, that was a race film.

That's not what this is about.

Albert, if you want
a piece of advice,

you've got to chop the hair.

You've got to get
yourself a smart chop.

Got to chop it off, and
got to shave that face.

Nobody likes a scraggly face.

I mean, I feel like I could
connect with the audience

right now, maybe.
- Go for it.

If it helps someone
out there with divorce.

Now I'm living with my sister.

I was cleaning one day.

Who loves her
very much, and I was

very happy to offer her
solace and support and a home.

One day, you're
happily married.

The next day, you're
cleaning, and you find

a poopy condom under your bed.

And then you're living with
your sister and her husband

for a long time now,
and, you know, you've

got to keep your chin up.

Wine is good.

No.

And life is good,
and friends and family,

and there's not a poopy condom
in the world that's going

to take that away from me.

Britney's acting
like such a slut again today.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's
like she's always

wearing, like, that shirt.

It's like, get over yourself.

Oh, my God, Crsitin
Milioti, that, like,

uber theater dork
is coming over here.

Oh, my gosh.

She thinks she's such
hot shit after getting

nominated for a Tony.

Yeah, like, how hard is it?

Oh, my God, so easy.

- I know.
- Cristin.

Hi, Cristin.

Hi, Cristin.

Hey, ladies.

That's so great they
got nominated for a Tony.

- Yeah, congrats.
- Thank you.

So thrilling.

We'd love to hear
about the Tony Awards.

What was your
musical called again?

Twice?

"Once".
- Oh.

Yeah, I'm not familiar.

Yeah, we didn't get to
see the "Once", because we

have a really busy social life.

The Tonys are great for you
guys because at least you get

invited to one party a year.

It's like Cinderella.

Hey, so listen, let me ask you,
what is it about drama people?

Like, why are you so weird?

- Do you know what I mean?
- Why

No.

Theatre people are cool.

We're really cool.

You guys are freaks.

Freaks.

We're freaks.

We're are all freaks, and we
want to be part of our society,

but we can't because
we're freaks.

Oh, man.

We're not freaks.

I was just kidding.

That was a character
I've been working on.

Um, also, we are funny.

We're so funny.

We're always-- we're always
quoting Monty Python, you know,

and we'll say things like,
your mother was a hamster,

and your father smells like
elderberries, nudge, nudge,

wink, wink, know what I mean?

That's insane.

OK, but we also have
great big parties,

and they're cast parties,
and we play charades,

and we do karaoke,
and then, sometimes--

OMG, charades.

I know, and we go to the diner
at night, at night, important,

and we order pancakes at night.

That's fattening.

That's a day food.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But, um, Andrew
Garfield, nominated for a Tony.

Spider-Man was at the Tonys?

- He's so hot.
- Yeah.

- He's so hot.
- Yeah.

That's getting a little gay.

It's still really hot.

No, he was nominated
for "Death of a Salesman".

So was Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Ooh.

And Kelli O'Hara was nominated.

Kelli O'Hara.
I know her.

You do?

She's the one that works
at the Hollister at the mall.

No.

She's the one
who's sort of cute,

but she's a little bit
chubby, and she shouldn't

probably be wearing crop tops.

You know what, she
has really good hair,

but she's kind of a butter face.
- She was in a musical.

A little bit.
Yeah.

- A little butter.
- A little butter.

See, you guys love theater.

Soon, you're going
to be walking around,

and you're all going to be like,
I am the very model

of a modern major general.
- Cristin.

I've information

Get it together.

Vegetables.

It's actually vegetables.

Everyone is watching us.
Cristin.

OK.

Bye, Cristin.

It's time for you to go.

OK.

All right.

Um, I was going to play
invisible ball later,

and I didn't know if
you guys wanted to join.

Oh, my God.

But it will be fun.

- No, Cristin.
- No.

No.
OK.

Absolutely never.

Well, that's your loss.

Just take my ball, and
I'll go play with it alone.

Call me.

What?

And Topshop is going to
design her dress for the VMAs.

JD, what's going on?

I just joined Tinder,
and I'm obsessed.

Oh, I love Tinder.

Well, here's my
profile pic so far.

Uh, oh.

I suppose it says, I am super
cash and hang out easily.

I was hoping it
would say I like carrots.

Hey, can you girls
come look at my matches

and help find a good
step daddy for Serena?

He's got to be on
here someplace, right?

- Whoa.
- Hmm.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

OK, you certainly have a type.

I like them big and strong.

I want my man to know his
way around a GNC and my body,

and then there's this guy.

Cute, right?

Hey, are you sure he doesn't
look familiar to you at all?

No.

He's, you know, a little
pudgy and a little pale.

He probably doesn't eat meat.

He probably needs a steak and a
vitamin, but he's not that bad.

He likes Springsteen, cheese
fries, and letting the wind

carry him wherever it may be.

He's kind of a poet.

Can you trust a poet?

Aren't poets just fancy liars?

Yeah, and in that one,
he's doing a duck face.

Just don't.

No.

All right, well, listen,
here's my message so far.

Hey, babe, loved your profile.

Ask a question?

Oh, good idea.

OK, let's see.

Oh, do you want to
have kids someday?

Maybe not
something so intense.

How about loved your profile.

Where do you live?

How many credit
cards do you have?

Which ones are they?

What are the numbers on them?

What's your social?

Why don't you just try, sup.

That's what I do.

Does that work for you, Leigh?

Chicks love it.

Hmm, minimal.

I like it.

Hey, babe, loved your profile.

Sup.

Send.

Oh.

OK, did he?
No.

Not yet.
Give it--

Oh, I heard it.
What?

Huh?
- Oh, no.

He didn't.

False alarm.

Dan.

Dan, it has come
to our attention

that you have
matched JD on Tinder.

Are you trying to destroy
this PR firm inside out?

I didn't mean to.

It was-- it was a
subconscious boss fantasy.

It was like a Freudian swipe.
No.

Ah, no!

Dan, no!

She sent me a
really weird message.

We never approved
that many emojis.

Is that a smiley poop face?

Do I have to ask her out now?

I mean, is she going
to fire me if I don't?

Is she going to fire me if I do?

Girls!

Get in here!

Just stick your own kind!

God!

Ah!

I'm watching you, Dan.

I'm watching you.

Is that a threat?

As my deputies at this
PR firm, I put a lot of trust

into the three of you.
- JD, we need to explain.

I'm just going
to say something.

I'm not finished.

I require your honesty.

The guy from Tinder hasn't
messaged me back yet.

What does it mean?

Is the internet not back up yet?

I asked the IT guy to stop by.

OK,
here's my message so far.

Read it.

Hey, just thinking
about you like Frank Ocean.

Do you know him?

He is music.

.

No, I meant musician.

No, I accidentally sent it.

No!

Now I have to redo it.

I meant musician.

My bad.

God, I can't get
enough of his picture.

I think he's kind
of beautiful now.

He looks smart and sexy.

He likes pancakes.

He has a goat.

He's perfect for me.
Serena, someone's got a daddy.

Oh, is the
internet not back up yet?

OK, it's back up.

Uh.

You're the poet.

Oh, no.

Boop.

Oh, did you know this is
going on the whole time

it was going on?

Oh.

I trusted you.

Oh.

So do you want
to go on a date?

Don't talk to me.

OK, it's time to go, Dan.

It was a Freudian swipe.

Please.

Oh.

Don't ever discuss this
when you leave this office.

Do you understand me?

Not a peep.

I am humiliated.

Oh, please just go.

Go to lunch.

I wanted his baby.

Oh.

Should I bring him back?

No.

I don't know what to do.

Let's kill him.

This is our annual science
fair episode where we invite

our best and brightest local
middle schoolers to come

perform their experiments.

Let's see if the
assholes at Modern Gadget

think they can sell any of it.

Spoiler alert.

Nothing will satisfy them.

Who are you?

I'm Jane.

I made this miniature car.

No one's going to buy that.

Oh, wow.

Who's the child that made this?

Oh, I know.

Me.

It's a robot.

It's not just a robot.

It's Breakfast Brady.

You tell Breakfast Brady
what you want for breakfast,

and then he tells you
other foods that you

might also like for breakfast.

It's kind of groundbreaking.

You want to give it a shot?

OK.

Um, pancakes.

Pancake.

You don't know how
robots work, huh?

They can't hear you.

You got to use the keyboard.

Type it in.

Just type it in.

God!

You like pancakes.

You might also like waffles.

Wow, huh?

Do you like waffles?

Yeah.

Yeah!

Does it tell you
how to make them?

No.

Does a waitress tell
you how to make waffles?

Does a doctor tell you
how your heart works?

Sometimes, I guess,
if you ask him.

Don't ask doctors questions.

Think about it.

That's something that Modern
Gadget's going to buy.

Modern Gadget?

You hear that, Modern Gadget?

The youth don't know
who you are because you

don't even have new technology.

Do you want to try
it again, Jane?

Um, peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

No.

Oh, Breakfast Brady.

That's a lunch.

OK, what's another
breakfast food?

Cereal.

Type it in.

You like cereal.

You might also
like other cereal.

Yeah!

I don't like the robot.

Take your stupid car
and go live in a hole.

Are you OK?

Nope.

What's this?

A volcano.

Cool.

Fake volcano.

How original.

Should we both just wait here
until we can't breathe anymore,

or do you want to
tell us how it works?

OK.
Well--

What do you like
for breakfast?

Type it into my robot.

You like French toast.

You might also like waffles.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Woo!

How's that, Modern Gadget?
- No.

Actually, I only like--

That's fine.

We can't change our answer.
You said waffles.

So that's what we're
going to do, OK?

Let's just do your
stupid volcano.

Whoa.

Wow.

That's really good.

It's getting everywhere.

- You like waffles.
- No.

You might like--

You can't get it wet.

banana bread, coffee cake.

That is all.

Well, we made it this far.

Let's punch each
other's projects

and see which one lasts.

Punch him!

No!

You better punch him!

Mom!

You like crying!

You might also like waffles!

I found you in the trash!

I made you into a king!

I know!

You a little bucket of trash!