Original subtitles

Hi and welcome to "Cocktails with Little Esther."

I'm your host, Little Esther.

And my guest today is the beautiful and talented Alison

Becker.

Hi.

Hi, welcome.

Thanks for having me.

The safe word for today's episode is poached eggs.

That's a good one.

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

I'd probably want to tell myself

that small boobs are dope, and I should

be really happy with them.

When you're in your late 30s, they're still up nice and high.

Small boobs are fashionable right now.

Yes.

But there was an era where it was unacceptable.

But now it's like-- it's, like, also big thighs.

I feel like it used to be bad, and now

they're-- it's all about that.

Yeah.

Rock those big thighs.

Yeah, that would be mine, is your big thighs

will come in handy later.

Yeah.

You know, rappers and basketball players.

You'd wink to yourself?

Yeah.

What's your favorite role-playing scenario?

I like to dominate.

- You like to dominate? - Yeah.

Are you surprised?

Kind of.

Some people I was with just thought I was, like, wow, you

have a lot of, like, demands.

But then I'm, like, oh, what if I just own this?

Right.

You go from being, like, a needy bitch to like--

- Exactly! - a hot fetish.

Exactly.

I just was whipped for the first time.

Have you ever done that? - Whipped?

Yeah.

By who, like, your dad?

No, no.

Like as a punishment for, like, eating the cookie

that you shouldn't have had?

Well, see, you want it.

I once heard a hot girl say that she

goes on 14 dates with a guy before they have sex.

Great.

I have never gone 0.5 dates without it.

But whatever your thing is, that's cool.

0.5.

0.5 days.

Maybe wait one whole date.

Yeah, well, like a half a date is just

like when he comes over after work because his job

is in your neighborhood.

He can't sleep over because he can't find good parking, that's

a half date.

That's not a date at all.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

One time I was having sex with a guy

and I told him how hot he was.

And then he'd never responded.

What?

That guy's a jerk.

Yeah.

I'm never dating guys over 5' 11" again.

Now it's time to play Turn On, Turn Off.

I'll list a few different qualities.

And you tell me whether they turn you on or off.

Great.

Binge-watching "Gilmore Girls."

Off.

The smell of a library.

- Turn on. - Yeah.

One time a guy told me my mouth smelled

like an antique bookstore, but I don't think it turned him on.

Ironed T-shirts.

It's a bit much. Off.

Yeah.

I don't even own an iron.

And get a steamer.

It's 2016.

Big feet.

On because it usually means they have large hands.

Can play "Free Falling" on an acoustic guitar.

On.

Sea--

Sea's too much for you?

Once they, like, need to play the acoustic guitar for me,

I'm just, like, checked out.

No, I like it.

Oh, weird.

If that's the only song they're going to play, then no.

But if they can play the acoustic guitar in general,

it's a turn-on.

It's a time suck, I'm telling you.

Know sign language.

Oh, on, definitely.

I know a little bit of sign language.

Whoa!

Somebody has a college degree.

I'm going to try to guess the name

of your first sexual partner in 10 seconds.

Ready?

- Wait, I have a question. - What?

What does that mean?

Do you mean, the first time I had vaginal intercourse--

- Yeah. - or the f--

OK.

That's such a Catholic girl question, it's--

- Yeah. - it's vagina.

OK.

Go. - Bill.

- No. - Robert.

Yes.

Whoa!

That's crazy!

Have you ever done cosplay?

I've wanted to.

Should we do it right now?

Yeah.

- Is it going to be sexy? - Yeah.

Ooh, let's do it.

I was picturing something different.

Same.

I look like feline Elvis, don't I?

Alison, thank you so much for coming on my show.

I made you this gift.

Thank you so much!

Should I open it?

Yeah.

Wow!

It's edible underwear.

Pasta.

Mm-hmm, pasta.

And there's some pepperoni.

I don't eat pork, but I could give that to someone.

Or you can let someone eat it off you.

And then this is the bottom.

Yeah, that's a thong made of pizza bagels.

When I get hungry, I can just reach into my pants.

Exactly.

Thank you.

Are you that dialed into your partner sexually?

Like, if she were to rub your ass or I would rub your ass,

would you know which one of us was rubbing your ass?

Want to bet?

How much you want to bet?

Put this diving helmet on.

Hello, hi!

- How are you? - Nice to see you.

Great. - How are you doing?

You're Justina? - Yes.

- You're Luke. - Luke.

- I'm Alec. - Alec.

- How are you? - Good.

How are you? - Nice to meet you.

Do you guys know who I am?

Do you even know who I am, by the way?

Of course, I do. You do?

That's why I'm, like, nervous. I'm like, oh, my god!

But he doesn't know who I am.

I-- I know-- I knew-- I had a feeling.

- Are you kidding me? - But I'm not--

You know me from those credit card commercials?

There you go.

There you go.

That's awesome.

How are you doing today? - I'm doing pretty good.

Yeah? - A little tired.

Been up--

like 4:00. You have?

- I was working. - You're working today?

- Yup. - Were you cheffing today?

Yes.

Where do you chef?

Bouchon Bakery at Rock Center.

You do? Yes.

Right there on 49th Street. Ah-huh.

I go there all the time.

How long you been with them, with Bouchon Bakery?

A year and a half.

I got the job-- we moved up here a year and a half ago.

Yup.

Moved up from where?

- South Carolina. - Where?

Myrtle Beach.

From Myrtle Beach.

You left Myrtle Beach to come to New York?

Why? I hated Myrtle Beach.

I know. I can't believe we left there.

- Why? - It's boring.

Wait, you said what?

I can't believe we left for this.

Oh, shut up.

So what would you like to see

change in this relationship?

Like, how's it going?

We were just talking about this.

Pretend I'm your priest.

OK.

Father, um--

Father Al.

Father, Al?

Yeah, Father Al.

Father Al, I would like Luke to be a little more adventurous

in our relationship.

Um, I feel that he sometimes holds me back when

I get excited about things.

Like, I want to go salsa dancing.

Does she think he'd be a sexy dancer?

You think he'd make a good salsa dancer?

Who? Luke?

Yeah. Does he have any rhythm?

I think we see the answer to that, don't we.

Yeah, not really.

He can't even jump rope.

You're what I call TWM.

You know what that is? - Nope.

Typical white man. - Basically.

Do you have a sense of humor about yourself?

Yeah, sure. Kind of.

You don't seem like you do.

Where are you from, by the way? Luke, you're from down there?

I'm from Virginia.

Low, like, uh-- The real Virginia.

Yeah.

The part of Virginia where they don't dance.

Guys, I have a crazy idea for a game.

You don't have to play the game if you don't want to.

OK. - Don't freak out.

OK.

Because this game, which we thought of,

is a crazy game.

And you're like the last guy in the world--

when you got in the car, I thought to myself,

oh, we're because you're never

going to want to play the game. You're so Marlboro man.

And you're so kind of Clint Eastwood.

You're Luke Eastwood.

There you go.

But the game would be that we would put a-- we

would put what we call the cone of silence

over you, where you couldn't see or hear anything.

Like, a hood over you.

And you turn around.

You'd stick your ass in the air.

And one of us would rub your ass.

Would you be able to tell which one of us it was?

I'm definitely not doing this game with you, but look at him.

Luke was like, hmm.

We're definitely not doing the game.

Because people-- would you be able to tell which one of us

was rubbing your ass?

Uh, I have no idea.

You have no idea.

You're completely freaked out by that, aren't you?

- Yup. - He is.

You're like, how do I get back now?

Not my kind of game.

This is like a scene from "Midnight Cowboy"--

where you're like here in the big city and like

take me back to Carolina. - Yeah.

We don't do this back home.

This would never happen to me.

We don't put hoods over our heads

and guess who's fondling my ass.

He would have to drink a little bit.

And he'll be like, yeah, let's do it!

No.

I had a feeling about that.

Mm-hmm.

You have a very--

as you can tell, you have a very practiced, very stoic,

you're very quiet.

Does that work for you?

Um, yes and no.

Do you think if you'd turn around and all of a sudden

your boyfriend was like Nathan Lane.

You know, like vivacious.

He was Alan Cumming, like, a heterosexual Alan Cumming.

He was like a really vivacious, singing, loud, crazy,

you know, colorful, witty.

Would you like that?

I think so.

Does he know who Nathan Lane is?

- Do you who Nathan Lane is? - No.

Do you know who Allen Cumming is?

Nope.

So what do you want to see things-- how do

you want to see things change?

Just be more adventurous, more-- like,

take it to the next level.

Luke's always like, aw--

Be more adventurous.

Yeah.

Put the dot-- put the helmet on and stick

his ass up in the air and let one of us rub his ass?

Yes, exactly.

You would so--

be so glad you did it.

Luke, tell her three things you love about her.

Her eyes, her hair, and her heart.

Her eyes, her hair-- you are a ma-- you're like a haiku.

Her eyes, her hair, and her heart.

Tell him three things you love about him.

His passion.

Posture?

- Passion. - Oh.

Posture.

His passion.

What else?

His passion, his patience--

And his-- his p--

p--

P-- p-- p--

Pee-- pee-- peen--

peen--

pretty eyes.

No!

Hello and thank you for choosing Citi Bike.

This video is for your safety and information.

Bikes are available for a flat rate

during the first 15 seconds.

If your station is full--

Blah!

-just head to one of our nearby locations.

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Checking in is simple.

Just insert gently, and make sure the green light

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Insert gently.

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If you can't check in, there are technicians who can assist you.

Citi Bikes do not come with helmets,

which is fine because it's only your entire life at stake.

So, please, be cautious of pedestrians.

Remember, while riding your Citi Bike, cars will try to hit you.

There's nothing we can do about this.

If any unexpected problems occur,

just push the repair button.

A trained technician will not be with you shortly or ever.

Keep waiting.

Go ahead and wait, you rat bastard.

I can wait for as long as you can, except in my house,

where it's warm.

Because I'm an adult with a bike of my own.

We hope you enjoy your Citi Bike experience.

And if you don't, remember, we've already got your money.

Bye-bye.

Citi Bike.

We're in the bike business now?

Katie Jensen, model, and aspiring actress.

Hot girl in two Justin Bieber videos.

Did a CW pilot.

Remind me again why we're taking this meeting?

Katie was my little in my sorority.

I have a hard time saying no to her.

Oh, she's one of those girls.

Totally.

But she can be fun.

Really?

Because I heard she is a white-hot nightmare.

No, I think she's biracial.

Here--

Oh!

Babe the Rage!

Hi!

Hi, baby!

Oh!

Hi.

You're so cute right now!

Oh, my god, these earrings are e-- vry--

thing.

Can I have them? - Oh, these?

Yeah, sure.

They're so cute!

Oh, My god, I would never in a million years

make you give me something that's off of your body--

yeah, unless you wanted to.

Please, I insist.

Oh, I can't believe it.

You're so sweet.

This is my colleague, Victoria.

Hi, it's so nice to finally meet you.

Hey.

I love that you're Jack Nicholson-ing right now.

Who's that?

Jack Nicholson?

The sunglasses indoors.

Never mind.

You're so cute.

Super-old reference.

Yeah!

You know, old people, don't know who they are, right?

So tell me all about LeGrand PR and what you can do for me.

We are a boutique agency.

And we give each of our client's individual attention.

We will tailor a strategy for each of our--

Great.

I want to scent.

What?

What's that?

Nicki Minaj has Minajesty.

Taylor Swift has Wonderstruck.

I want one.

I-- I want it to-- to be called Eau de Engenue.

The smell of an engenue.

Brilliant, right?

She wants a scent.

- Let's schedule a meeting. - Oh!

Great, great.

I love it!

Oh, I have so many ideas for my career.

Great.

Let's--

OK.

I want to go to the Met Ball and sit next to Anna Wintour.

Oh! Next to her.

That's-- that's--

e--

Easy-ish to do.

I want to host the White House Correspondents Dinner.

I'm going to be the first DEGOT.

Daytime, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, boom.

I like, like-like acting, but I want to love acting.

Yeah.

You know, like Meryl Streep style, you know?

I want to star in the Whitney Houston biopic.

Oh!

You know you're not Black, right?

Are you saying I don't have range?

No.

Ssh.

'Cos I got [SINGING BADLY] range.

You know?

She has a beautiful voice. Yes.

Acappella? Any pella.

Great.

Any pella.

I'm the first celebrity bachelorette.

Yeah, we can do that one.

Yeah, it can happen, right?

25 guys.

So tell me what LeGrand PR can do for me?

Have you thought of designing your own line of toothbrushes?

I love that.

Would you like to DJ for the royal baby?

Everything.

I want to be BFFs with Jennifer Lawrence.

Samesies.

Me too.

Oh, my god!

I think she is just, like, so freaking

cute and off-the-cuff funny.

I swear.

I think we would be, like, honestly BFFs fo' life.

Do you have her number?

Yes.

No.

OK.

I like you guys, you know?

I just-- I really want my publicist

to go with me everywhere.

And you guys are medium hot, which totally works.

You know what?

I'm sorry.

This is not going to work.

We're going to have to pass.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously.

Lilly's ordering you an Uber.

OK.

You're dumping me.

You're dumping me.

OK.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's not how it works.

I never get dumped.

In fact, I'm--

I dump you.

I dump you!

So sayonara, adios, don't need ya, goodbye!

Bye.

Are you still going to help me with that scent?

No. - Maybe.

She totally stole my earrings.

Yeah.

Too bad they matched your ring.

Can you give this to her?

Paige.

So you're the guy that made those "let's

fly to the future" movies.

I heard those were very fun.

Oh, you should have pitched those to us.

We would have loved to make money off those movies.

Um, I-- I did, actually.

No, you didn't.

Ssh-- t!

Anyway.

"Forrest Gump."

We love this script.

It's got a little bit of everything.

Yeah, it does.

And that's actually a huge problem.

Oh.

Luckily, we're here to help.

So we open up on a feather floating in the wind.

And already I am bored and angry.

What the hell is this feather doing?

That feather doesn't talk or dance or sing or do anything

goofy, so let's just cut it.

It's a metaphor for--

No, it's not.

It's just a feather.

Is it a character in a movie, or is it

garbage floating in the wind? I mean--

Is it duck garbage?

And then we meet our main character, Forrest Gump.

Some doof with dirty shoes, who hands out chocolates at a bus

stop. Yikes!

What is this weirdo even doing?

He's waiting for children to walk up so he can

take them somewhere far away?

What a creep!

Let's make him a cool, suave, handsome man, who

is regaling beautiful women with stories

in a Manhattan discotheque.

Ding! Ding!

Ding!

Barbs turned on.

Now I can think.

Then we can change his name to something sexy and sensual

and South American, like Ronaldo.

Oh, now Darry's turned on.

Ronaldo Gump, the sexy storyteller.

I-- I really, I'd really like to stick with

the story that I brought in.

Oh, my god!

Why?

Forrest is a little off, yes, but that's

what makes him so likable.

He's also very kind and loyal.

Yeah, loyal.

The guy falls in love with this Jenny girl when they're five

and keeps following her around until she's dead from AIDS.

Hey, Rob.

Don't end your movie by killing a nice lady with AIDS.

I guess I could lighten it up a little bit.

Fix the whole thing while you're at it, OK?

Forrest Gump is some big dork who

happens to get lucky a bunch of times,

only talks about himself, and literally runs away

from his problems the whole movie.

He's a dirt bag, idiot, narcissist,

and I don't like him.

Plus, I looked up Forrest Gump in a big, dusty book.

And you know what?

It turns out that none of these stories are even true.

What! It's not true?

Why are you wasting my time?

What did you make up?

What didn't you make up?

It's unclear!

No, no, no, no, he's not making up this story.

They're from his life.

So this is non-fiction?

Well, we don't do documentaries, so can leave.

No, the movie is fictional.

Oh, right.

Forrest Gump's a dirty liar.

Well, he's a fictional character telling stories

in a non-fiction context.

So his stories are made up?

Yes.

But he's not making them up?

No.

But he's made up.

- Yes. - So who's making them up?

The writer.

So then the writer is a dirty liar, case closed.

Glad we solved that.

I think we're done here.

W-- wait, Robert, let's compromise.

Let's compromise.

OK, we cannot save anything from this script.

It is-- it's horrible, it's garbage, but--

Why did Robert Zemeckis just walk out of here cursing?

Who are you?

- I'm Alison. - Oh!

That's our assistant.

Oh!

That's what she looks like?

Little Alison!

Why hello, Alison.

I'm not your assistant.

OK?

I'm your boss.

You don't have an assistant.

I'm Alison, Allison duBois.

You haven't greenlit a movie in over 80 years.

And so you're fired!

But--

You're fired!

You're a bunch of weenies, little fat weenies.

You're garbage!

Don't shake like cats.

You're a bunch of sick freaks and you're fired.

You don't have an assistant.

You don't have an assistant.

But-- but--

Oh, shut the hell up!

But I'm Barb!

You're nothing, Barb.

I'm a businesswoman.

No, I'm a businesswoman.

You need to drop the wig at the door.

What are you talking about? I'm blonde!

I've always been blonde.

Let Darry be blonde.

You're fired!

Alison, could you help us?

We're scared.

There's nobody there.

You're fired!

Morning.

Got you some water.

Thank you.

That's very, um, gentlemanly of you, Bra--

- Seaton. - Seaton.

Thank you.

I remember that.

- I had a lot of fun last night. - Mm.

Maybe I can maybe get your number?

We can hang out again. - Oh, my gosh!

Yeah, totally.

Um, could you just give me $20?

For what?

For my taxi home.

We're-- we're at your apartment.

Right, but if we had gone to your apartment,

I would have had to take a taxi home,

so you should just give me the money that you

would have given me anyway.

It's a sunk cost.

I'm--

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this.

So I need to give you money for a cab ride that never happened?

Well, it's what a gentleman would do.

I don't-- that doesn't make sense.

So you're saying chivalry doesn't make sense?

I don't think you know what chivalry is.

Yeah, I do.

It's something to do with like horses or queens or something.

I don't know. - OK.

Uh, you have money.

You bought $12 drinks last night.

I don't need to give you money for a cab.

Yes, you do because you're the boy.

Wow!

That's pretty sexist.

You think I'm pretty?

No, I said pretty sexist.

Oh, you think I'm pretty sexy.

Pretty sexist.

Oh, I can't be sexist, I'm a girl.

It's like when you can make fun of Jewish people

if you saw one on TV once.

OK. OK, listen--

I need to go home, OK?

But you're at home right now. We're here.

You're at your house right now!

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I was mistaken.

OK, thank you.

Good.

It'll be $30 for the cab because I'm a good tipper

because I'm a lady.

No way!

It's like $15 at most from the village,

but which is hypothetical, which is

not the point because I'm not-- - Oh, the village!

My favorite coffee shop is down there.

OK, so after I leave your place, I

would definitely pop in there to get a little mocha frappuccino.

So that would be another $7.

Oh, because you're a good tipper.

Exactly. Lady.

You know, while you're even at it, it's a nice day.

Why don't you get brunch? - Oh!

I'm so happy you understand.

That's a great idea.

It was so awkward before when you didn't quite get it,

but brunch would be great!

And also my friend Trish lives down there.

She's going through a really rough time now.

So I'd love to treat her to brunch as well.

And then maybe we could pop by Magnolia Bakery.

Get one of each, but there's always a line there.

So I'm going to need something to do while I'm waiting.

And so maybe you could get me a Kindle.

A Kindle, of course.

Plus the cupcakes, brunch for me and Trish, then the coffee,

so we're at like fr--

a hundred and-- oh, you should get me a calculator, too.

How much is a calculator now?

Like $80?

Let's just add that on. - OK, listen.

Right, all right.

This is all hypothetical. It's not going to happen.

You didn't get a cab ride home.

You didn't get coffee. You didn't get brunch.

You didn't meet up with Trish. There's no Kindle.

You know why?

Because you're at your apartment right now!

Wah!

All this yelling is giving me a headache,

so after I get brunch, I'm going I have to go and get

some medicine for the headache.

And that'll be another $15 because I only do non-generic.

OK, OK, OK.

So you need real medicine for this argument

we're having about a hypothetical situation where

you hypothetically took a cab ride home.

But in this hypothetical situation, you'd be in a cab,

and you would pick up this real medicine for this real--

enough, OK!

I feel like I'm getting stuck in some kind of bitch inception.

I'm going to give you the $20.

But know if you take this money, you're a prostitute.

No, because prostitutes take money for sex.

And I'm taking money for a cab after sex.

There's no cab!

Is there?

Really?

Do you want to PayPal me the rest?

There she is.