All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E02.Hag.n.the.Hound.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Today, we're gonna be
learning about acids and bases.

Here, we have some vinegar.

That's an acid.

Here we have some baking soda.

That's a base.

And here we have
Henry, just some kid.

You ready for this, Henry?

Yeah.

I'm allergic to peanuts.

What?

Why did you say that?

I can't do anything
with peanuts,

because I'm really allergic.

Did I say "peanut?"

Did you think this
vinegar was a peanut?

No.

The first thing
we're gonna do is

we're gonna add this vinegar
to the cabbage juice.

Then, we're gonna add the baking
soda to the cabbage juice.

Do you know what's gonna
happen then, Henry?

It's gonna turn into a peanut.

- It does?
- No.

Of course not.

You told me you're allergic.

And that's not how
peanuts are made anyway.

My mom told me I had to
tell you, because I could die.

I'm allergic To peanuts

Why did you say that again?

What do you think--
what kind of experiment

could we do with a peanut?

Pour vinegar on a peanut.

Right.

The famed scientific
experiment of pouring

vinegar on top of a peanut.

- I'm allergic to peanuts.
- OK.

We get it, Henry.

Dude, give me a break.

Now, it's silly.

Let's pour the vinegar
into the cabbage juice.

It turned red.

Yep.

Don't be too proud of yourself.

Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

Even just spitting this
on you would kill you.

Henry, I won't finish.

Sir Isaac Newton, discovered
gravity, invented calculus.

But did you know he
was also an idiot?

Chump thought he could
turn iron into gold.

Nice try, Einstein.

The same man who invented
the laws of motion

also sat alone in
his room playing

with magic, hoping to turn
a worthless piece of metal

into gold.

That is called alchemy.

And it is insane.

Isaac Newton
thought if he wished

hard enough that he
could turn this into this

and use it to buy--

I don't know.

This?

If I handed the dumbest asshole
on Earth this hunk of metal,

the worst he would do
is put it in his mouth.

But Isaac Newton said,
hey, look, I'm rich.

Give me a break.

Nice try, Einstein.

This little powerful box is
turning moms across the country

into magicians.

Available at any home supply
store or modern gadget,

if you prefer the high
tech version, like I do.

It allows you to heat up
food items more quickly.

But today, I'm gonna be using
its radioactive properties

to turn milk into plastic.

Neat.

It is neat.

You see, milk has a protein
in it, called casein, which--

hey, man, you pretty
much look like that guy.

Is your name Matt?

No.

My name's Louis.

I can
tell you're lying

by the look in your eyes, man.

No.

OK.

Let's start the experiment.

Louis, do you wanna pour a
tablespoon of that vinegar

into the milk?

Sure.

This experiment is neat,
because the milk starts out

as one thing and then lives
its life as a completely

different thing.

Why did you say that?

I was just filling the air.

That's a very poignant thing
for a nine-year-old to say.

He's a missing kid, everybody.

I just saw his picture.

And it looks like his face.

His name's Matthew Evaton.

And he was last seen at the
Morgan County State Fair.

Now, you did it.

Did what?

What are they gonna do to you?

Let's welcome
to the stage right

now Brandon Wardell, everybody.

Yes.

Hey, what's up?

What's up, everybody?

So this is, like, the
first year of my life

where I've made, like,
an adult amount of money,

like-- like, an actual
like grownup amount.

And, like, the thing about
comedy is it, like,

up your perception of like
what amount of money is OK.

Right?

So I, like, didn't
realize I was,

like, living in squalor before.

Right?

Because, like,
somebody's-- like,

a sad thing online they posted,
"Hey, did you know teachers

only make $35,000 a year?"

And I saw that and was--

what?

I don't-- I didn't know
teachers are rich as ...

What?

That's a real number?

I started doing
this thing where I--

I sext all of my Uber drivers.

Like-- like, they'll
text me, like, hey--

hey, I'm here.

And then, I'll be
like, what would you be

doing if I was there right now?

I did this-- this weird
show recently where--

I did this show in LA,
where, like, my name

wasn't listed on the poster.

And then, the person
running the show

hit me up, like, last
minute to be, like, hey,

there's not a lot of
people at the show.

Do you still wanna
come I was like, yeah.

Sure.

I'll-- you know,
I'll come through.

And then, I come and there's
one person in the crowd.

And the one person in the
crowd is an ex of mine

that I haven't
talked to in a year.

And so I did not do a set,
but I really wish I did a set.

I really wish I did a
set that night that was

just exclusively crowd work.

Like, I wish I just did a set
that was just 10 minutes of me,

like, hey, so how-- how's
everybody in the crowd

doing since last year?

Anybody in the crowd
seeing anybody new?

So I just finished this--

this like, talk show
pilot called "Rap Nerd,"

where it's-- it's these--

it's this show where
I interview a bunch

of, like, different rappers.

And, like, one of the
first guys I talked to

was this guy, Fredo Santana.

And he's this, like, very scary
Chicago rapper with, like,

a lot of face tattoos.

And he's definitely,
like, murdered someone

and, like, looks like it.

And I look like an
anime character.

Like, I look like
a Japanese person's

drawing of a white person.

Like that's-- that's the
look I'm working with.

And, like, the two
of us are talking

and he starts pouring Sprite
into codeine cough syrup.

Right?

He's making Lean,
for the unfamiliar.

And he goes, man, this
shit's been making

me gain so much weight lately.

And I was like, oh, you should
try it with Sprite Zero.

And he responded by
not laughing at all.

But, like, the thing is
I don't think he knew

I was making a joke, right?

Because, like, I said that.

And then, he was like, nah, man.

I had this shit with
Diet Mountain Dew once.

It was nasty.

Which, like, I love
that he has no problem

with, like, essentially,
liquid heroin, but, like,

a huge problem with
artificial sugar.

"Seven
Minutes in Heaven."

Hi.

This is "Seven Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with
comedian Eva Longoria.

I'm a comedian?

You are.

Actress, comedian, philanthropist.

That's a big word.

I'm not dumb.

No.

Nobody's pregnant on our show.

Oh, is that what that says?

As people may know, there's,
like, a "Saturday Night

Live Tokyo," "SNL Madrid."

There's also-- that's
also true of this series.

Eva is actually the host of
the Paris, France version.

And we've got a quick
clip of that we're

gonna show you right now.

So Eva, you've been
awarded the most beautiful,

most pretty, top 10, a lot of
those types of lists and stuff

for "Maxim" and stuff, all
except one, until right now.

I wanted to officially
tell you that

you're one of "Seven
Minutes in Heaven's" Top

25 Flat-Out Hottest--

Smoking Hottest Gals.

And yeah.

What goes with
that is, of course,

the Plate of Appreciation.

Oh my God.

Thank you--

That's yours to take home.
Yeah.

Your face is on it.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Flat-Out Smoking
Hottest Gals of the Closet.

My "Maxim" cover was the
only one seen from space.

They painted it on
a football field.

So aliens passing
by would go "what?"

And they would take a left turn.

They're all from,
like, a 1940s comedy.

Yeah.

Your seventh great-grandpa
got some land

from Spain by the Rio Grande.

It inspired me to look up
my seventh great-grandpa

was on the Dingle
Peninsula in Ireland.

And the government
actually gave him

what's known as a sex sheep.

And that's essentially
just like a sheep that--

well, it's what it-- and
so, for a few generations,

they-- that was in my family.

And it still is in my family.

Taxidermy.

It's now a taxidermied, like--
- No.

sex sheep.

Are you guys-- do you
still have that same land?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Today.

You should date a Mexican.

God, yeah.

You would have a lot of sex.

Doy.

Doy.

What do you think I'm gonna
do, just feel her boobs?

No, man.

We're going all the way.

This is called
"Prank my Parents."

We're gonna call my
parents on a phone number

they don't recognize
and see if they pick up

or leave a voicemail for
them saying that they're

in trouble with the city--

- With the law.
- With the law.

With the law.

Are they sleeping?
Where are they?

No.
They're in Michigan.

But they-- they're gonna
go to bed in a half hour.

Please, state your name

And no we will get back to
you as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello?

Mr. And Mrs. O'Brian--

O'Brian?

This is Janet from the
Planning Enforcement Council.

I am contacting you due to a
breach of planning control.

Apparently, the furnace recently
installed in your basement

was not permitted development.

And I'm afraid that you're each
gonna have to be spanked by me

and that you will have to call
me "mommy" while I do that.

Please, let us a good time when
I can come back and do this.

Also, please be
aware the spankings

will be filmed and posted
on our sister website

michiganslutsgetpunished.com.

Thank you so much.

And we'll see you soon.

At the risk of your
Mexican husband--

I don't know why
this is so funny.

I like-- I like at
the end that I had

to shove to even just get here.

Thank you, Eva.

"Seven
Minutes in Heaven."

Um, hi.

I don't do relationships.

I like sex.

You're stupid.

Kiss me.

Aw.
What's his name?

What does it matter?

It'll be dead before
you go to college.

You're mean.

I write poetry
about cigarettes.

I love the way
you see the world.

I don't make plans.

And I don't make breakfast.

Isn't that a
line from a movie?

Isn't that
a line from a movie?

Hey, Megan.

Did you get some of
those chicken seitan?

They're pretty sick.

Oh, my god.

That's OK.

Thanks.

Yo, Kevin, why do you
even like this girl?

She is so mean to you.

Because she hates stuff.

That means she's smart.

And she's way hotter than me.

Like, it doesn't even make
sense that we're a couple.

It doesn't make any sense.
OK?

She's so out of your league.

I mean, look.

I'm wearing Clarks
as dress shoes.

And you're always wearing
that stupid messenger bag.

It looks like you
got a seat belt on.

I guess I'll--

I'll just--

We need to break up.
- Ugh.

I don't do breakups.

Why don't you go
clean your vagina?

Yeah, see, I don't even
think you really like me.

OK?
Why are you so dark?

Because it's cool
to do bad stuff.

I don't care about jack.

Oh my God.

I am rock hard.

And also, like, I
really idolize my dad.

And then, he died, like, a--

Shut up.

All right?

You help me grow.

OK?

God.

OK.

I'm a big Drake fan.

I like Drake a lot.

But he ha-- he has
that-- he had that album

come out last year with Future.

And it's a weird album,
because Future is-- you know,

he's, like, a guy from,
like, the Atlanta hood.

He's lived, like, a much
harder life than Drake.

And it's a weird album,
because the whole album

is just Future being like, yeah,
I used to sleep on the floor.

I'm really sad.

Drugs are my only escape.

I wanna die.

And then, Drake being
like, yeah, there's,

like, a couple girls
I miss here and there.

But for the most part, my
life's pretty in order.

I don't know.

I'm on "Ellen" next week.

Like, it's-- they have like--

it's such as-- it's such a weird
dynamic, because the, like--

like I can just, like,
imagine, like, the two of them,

like, hanging out and, like,
Future being, like, oh, Drake,

do you-- do you want some Lean?

And then, Drake being
like, oh, yeah, Lean.

Mmm.

Yummy.

Then, just, like, pouring
it into a houseplant,

saying, oh, yum.

"The Front Desk."

- Hi.
- Hello.

Yes.

I'm in room 217 and
someone messed up my room.

Oh, OK.

I came home from
dinner and someone

had definitely been in
there fussing around.

You know what?

That was probably
our turndown service.

Well, my sheets on the
bed were folded over.

OK.

A clock radio was
playing classical music.

Uh huh.

And someone took a
shit in one of my shoes.

OK.

That's a problem.

And then, they left
mints on my pillow.

Not as bad.

Why don't we go back a second--

To the human
shit in my loafer?

Yes.

It filled the entire shoe.

Oh, no.

Yeah, the other one of these.

Good Lord.

Yeah.

Ma'am, I have to ask this.

You're not the kinda
person who would

do this yourself to
get some money out

of the hotel or something?

Are you kidding me?

- I am not kidding you.
- That's offensive.

I'm sorry.

Of course I wouldn't do that.

Well, ma'am, settle down.

You settle down.

I would if I could,
but no one's marrying me.

OK.

Let's look up your room.

217.

Wait a tick.

Aren't you the lady you checked
in with a big Great Dane?

Yes, but it's not Tabitha.

I walked her twice today.

OK.

We just have to be
very clear about this.

It's a very serious accusation.

Was there anything
else amiss in the room?

Yes.

The carpet near the shoe was
absolutely soaked in dog piss.

Well, ma'am, I think
housekeeping came in there

and cleaned up your
room and Tabitha

might've gotten nervous.

Does she get nervous
around strangers?

Well, yes.

She gets nervous and instantly
poops when she sees strangers.

Yes, especially
certain ethnicities,

but that is a rescue issue
that I'm working on with her.

Look, I have a bag right here.

Why don't you put the shoe
with the fecal matter into it,

hang it on the
doorknob, and then

we'll have someone from
housekeeping take it

out for you and dispose of it?

I appreciate that.

It means a lot to me.

You're welcome.

Can I ask you something?

And please don't
think too forward.

You can ask me anything.

Do you know of any
bars or sort of--

I'm sorry?

a pub-- pub--

I can't hear you.

type thing and--
lesbian specific--

You were talking
very loud earlier

and I cannot hear you now.

like a
dog-friendly browhouse

that has any sort of lesbian
element to it, like a--

You want a
lesbian bar that's--

that's friendly to dog sure.

Hag and the Hound,
right across the street.

You get a two for one.

You get a beer and a bone.

No need for the bone.

Well, it's for the dogs.

She's a lesbian too.

- Oh.
- No.

It's for eating.

It's not for having sex with.

You don't know what we do.

Front desk.

I went to a Justin
Bieber show recently.

And the thing about this
show is it was not advertised

as a Justin Bieber concert.

It was advertised as
a Justin Bieber Q&A

at the Staples Center.

He sold out the Staples
Center three times

in one night for a Q&A. And my
friend, he hit me up about it.

He was like, hey,
man, I have two

free VIP tickets to a Justin
Bieber Q&A. Do you wanna go?

I was like, yes, absolutely.

I've never wanted to hear
anything more in my life.

Yes.

Let's go right now.

And so we go.

And it was the day of, like,
that huge tragedy in Paris.

And so Justin Bieber's manager,
Scooter Braun, comes on stage.

He's an adult man named Scooter.

This adult man named
Scooter comes on stage.

And he's like, guys, as
you know, there was a--

there was a huge
tragedy in Paris today.

So Justin Bieber is going
to lead us all in prayer.

And then, Justin Bieber
proceeds to skateboard on stage,

tries to land a kick flip,
doesn't land a kick flip,

everybody goes insane anyway,
and then we all bow our heads.

And he's, like, "Dear God--

Dear God, I'm sure things must
be so hard for you right now.

But we trust you.

Amen."

And, like, that was
the whole prayer.

Which, like, yeah, I don't know.

You sold out an arena
Q&A, you models,

God gave you pretty good cards.

I'm sure you trust him.

And then, like,
the first question

was somebody in
the crowd that was

like, "Hey, Justin,
what was it like working

with Travis Scott?"

And that was for
sure just, like,

Travis Scott wearing a wig.

And then, like, more dumb
questions, more dumb answers.

Somebody-- then,
somebody's like, hey,

Justin, what was your day like?

And then, Justin's like, man,
nobody really asks me that.

And then, the whole
crowd's like, oh my God.

He's so rich, but he's so sad.

And then, like,
eventually, there's

a plant in the crowd that's,
like, hey, Justin, how

about you play us some music?

And he's like, OK.

And, like, a guy with
a guitar comes out.

And the whole time,
everybody in the crowd's

being like, oh my God, wait.

Do you think this
song's about Selena?

Wait.

Oh my god, wait.

Do you think this
song's about Selena?

And it's, like, no.

None of those songs
are about Selena.

You know, like,
all of those songs

are just some 50-year-old
songwriter being like,

"I miss my ex-wife Linda."

Like that's it.

My name's Brandon Wardell.
Thanks so much.

Bye.

My parents think I'm at
a school play right now.

They still don't know
that I do stand-up.

They're just like, yeah.

I don't know.

He's doing a bunch of
school plays in New York.

I don't know.

He's 23, but he's still--

he just keeps
doing school plays.