Original subtitles

Today, we're gonna be learning about acids and bases.

Here, we have some vinegar.

That's an acid.

Here we have some baking soda.

That's a base.

And here we have Henry, just some kid.

You ready for this, Henry?

Yeah.

I'm allergic to peanuts.

What?

Why did you say that?

I can't do anything with peanuts,

because I'm really allergic.

Did I say "peanut?"

Did you think this vinegar was a peanut?

No.

The first thing we're gonna do is

we're gonna add this vinegar to the cabbage juice.

Then, we're gonna add the baking soda to the cabbage juice.

Do you know what's gonna happen then, Henry?

It's gonna turn into a peanut.

- It does? - No.

Of course not.

You told me you're allergic.

And that's not how peanuts are made anyway.

My mom told me I had to tell you, because I could die.

I'm allergic To peanuts

Why did you say that again?

What do you think-- what kind of experiment

could we do with a peanut?

Pour vinegar on a peanut.

Right.

The famed scientific experiment of pouring

vinegar on top of a peanut.

- I'm allergic to peanuts. - OK.

We get it, Henry.

Dude, give me a break.

Now, it's silly.

Let's pour the vinegar into the cabbage juice.

It turned red.

Yep.

Don't be too proud of yourself.

Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

Even just spitting this on you would kill you.

Henry, I won't finish.

Sir Isaac Newton, discovered gravity, invented calculus.

But did you know he was also an idiot?

Chump thought he could turn iron into gold.

Nice try, Einstein.

The same man who invented the laws of motion

also sat alone in his room playing

with magic, hoping to turn a worthless piece of metal

into gold.

That is called alchemy.

And it is insane.

Isaac Newton thought if he wished

hard enough that he could turn this into this

and use it to buy--

I don't know.

This?

If I handed the dumbest asshole on Earth this hunk of metal,

the worst he would do is put it in his mouth.

But Isaac Newton said, hey, look, I'm rich.

Give me a break.

Nice try, Einstein.

This little powerful box is turning moms across the country

into magicians.

Available at any home supply store or modern gadget,

if you prefer the high tech version, like I do.

It allows you to heat up food items more quickly.

But today, I'm gonna be using its radioactive properties

to turn milk into plastic.

Neat.

It is neat.

You see, milk has a protein in it, called casein, which--

hey, man, you pretty much look like that guy.

Is your name Matt?

No.

My name's Louis.

I can tell you're lying

by the look in your eyes, man.

No.

OK.

Let's start the experiment.

Louis, do you wanna pour a tablespoon of that vinegar

into the milk?

Sure.

This experiment is neat, because the milk starts out

as one thing and then lives its life as a completely

different thing.

Why did you say that?

I was just filling the air.

That's a very poignant thing for a nine-year-old to say.

He's a missing kid, everybody.

I just saw his picture.

And it looks like his face.

His name's Matthew Evaton.

And he was last seen at the Morgan County State Fair.

Now, you did it.

Did what?

What are they gonna do to you?

Let's welcome to the stage right

now Brandon Wardell, everybody.

Yes.

Hey, what's up?

What's up, everybody?

So this is, like, the first year of my life

where I've made, like, an adult amount of money,

like-- like, an actual like grownup amount.

And, like, the thing about comedy is it, like,

up your perception of like what amount of money is OK.

Right?

So I, like, didn't realize I was,

like, living in squalor before.

Right?

Because, like, somebody's-- like,

a sad thing online they posted, "Hey, did you know teachers

only make $35,000 a year?"

And I saw that and was--

what?

I don't-- I didn't know teachers are rich as ...

What?

That's a real number?

I started doing this thing where I--

I sext all of my Uber drivers.

Like-- like, they'll text me, like, hey--

hey, I'm here.

And then, I'll be like, what would you be

doing if I was there right now?

I did this-- this weird show recently where--

I did this show in LA, where, like, my name

wasn't listed on the poster.

And then, the person running the show

hit me up, like, last minute to be, like, hey,

there's not a lot of people at the show.

Do you still wanna come I was like, yeah.

Sure.

I'll-- you know, I'll come through.

And then, I come and there's one person in the crowd.

And the one person in the crowd is an ex of mine

that I haven't talked to in a year.

And so I did not do a set, but I really wish I did a set.

I really wish I did a set that night that was

just exclusively crowd work.

Like, I wish I just did a set that was just 10 minutes of me,

like, hey, so how-- how's everybody in the crowd

doing since last year?

Anybody in the crowd seeing anybody new?

So I just finished this--

this like, talk show pilot called "Rap Nerd,"

where it's-- it's these--

it's this show where I interview a bunch

of, like, different rappers.

And, like, one of the first guys I talked to

was this guy, Fredo Santana.

And he's this, like, very scary Chicago rapper with, like,

a lot of face tattoos.

And he's definitely, like, murdered someone

and, like, looks like it.

And I look like an anime character.

Like, I look like a Japanese person's

drawing of a white person.

Like that's-- that's the look I'm working with.

And, like, the two of us are talking

and he starts pouring Sprite into codeine cough syrup.

Right?

He's making Lean, for the unfamiliar.

And he goes, man, this shit's been making

me gain so much weight lately.

And I was like, oh, you should try it with Sprite Zero.

And he responded by not laughing at all.

But, like, the thing is I don't think he knew

I was making a joke, right?

Because, like, I said that.

And then, he was like, nah, man.

I had this shit with Diet Mountain Dew once.

It was nasty.

Which, like, I love that he has no problem

with, like, essentially, liquid heroin, but, like,

a huge problem with artificial sugar.

"Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Hi.

This is "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with comedian Eva Longoria.

I'm a comedian?

You are.

Actress, comedian, philanthropist.

That's a big word.

I'm not dumb.

No.

Nobody's pregnant on our show.

Oh, is that what that says?

As people may know, there's, like, a "Saturday Night

Live Tokyo," "SNL Madrid."

There's also-- that's also true of this series.

Eva is actually the host of the Paris, France version.

And we've got a quick clip of that we're

gonna show you right now.

So Eva, you've been awarded the most beautiful,

most pretty, top 10, a lot of those types of lists and stuff

for "Maxim" and stuff, all except one, until right now.

I wanted to officially tell you that

you're one of "Seven Minutes in Heaven's" Top

25 Flat-Out Hottest--

Smoking Hottest Gals.

And yeah.

What goes with that is, of course,

the Plate of Appreciation.

Oh my God.

Thank you--

That's yours to take home. Yeah.

Your face is on it. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Flat-Out Smoking Hottest Gals of the Closet.

My "Maxim" cover was the only one seen from space.

They painted it on a football field.

So aliens passing by would go "what?"

And they would take a left turn.

They're all from, like, a 1940s comedy.

Yeah.

Your seventh great-grandpa got some land

from Spain by the Rio Grande.

It inspired me to look up my seventh great-grandpa

was on the Dingle Peninsula in Ireland.

And the government actually gave him

what's known as a sex sheep.

And that's essentially just like a sheep that--

well, it's what it-- and so, for a few generations,

they-- that was in my family.

And it still is in my family.

Taxidermy.

It's now a taxidermied, like-- - No.

sex sheep.

Are you guys-- do you still have that same land?

- Yeah. - Really?

Today.

You should date a Mexican.

God, yeah.

You would have a lot of sex.

Doy.

Doy.

What do you think I'm gonna do, just feel her boobs?

No, man.

We're going all the way.

This is called "Prank my Parents."

We're gonna call my parents on a phone number

they don't recognize and see if they pick up

or leave a voicemail for them saying that they're

in trouble with the city--

- With the law. - With the law.

With the law.

Are they sleeping? Where are they?

No. They're in Michigan.

But they-- they're gonna go to bed in a half hour.

Please, state your name

And no we will get back to you as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello?

Mr. And Mrs. O'Brian--

O'Brian?

This is Janet from the Planning Enforcement Council.

I am contacting you due to a breach of planning control.

Apparently, the furnace recently installed in your basement

was not permitted development.

And I'm afraid that you're each gonna have to be spanked by me

and that you will have to call me "mommy" while I do that.

Please, let us a good time when I can come back and do this.

Also, please be aware the spankings

will be filmed and posted on our sister website

michiganslutsgetpunished.com.

Thank you so much.

And we'll see you soon.

At the risk of your Mexican husband--

I don't know why this is so funny.

I like-- I like at the end that I had

to shove to even just get here.

Thank you, Eva.

"Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Um, hi.

I don't do relationships.

I like sex.

You're stupid.

Kiss me.

Aw. What's his name?

What does it matter?

It'll be dead before you go to college.

You're mean.

I write poetry about cigarettes.

I love the way you see the world.

I don't make plans.

And I don't make breakfast.

Isn't that a line from a movie?

Isn't that a line from a movie?

Hey, Megan.

Did you get some of those chicken seitan?

They're pretty sick.

Oh, my god.

That's OK.

Thanks.

Yo, Kevin, why do you even like this girl?

She is so mean to you.

Because she hates stuff.

That means she's smart.

And she's way hotter than me.

Like, it doesn't even make sense that we're a couple.

It doesn't make any sense. OK?

She's so out of your league.

I mean, look.

I'm wearing Clarks as dress shoes.

And you're always wearing that stupid messenger bag.

It looks like you got a seat belt on.

I guess I'll--

I'll just--

We need to break up. - Ugh.

I don't do breakups.

Why don't you go clean your vagina?

Yeah, see, I don't even think you really like me.

OK? Why are you so dark?

Because it's cool to do bad stuff.

I don't care about jack.

Oh my God.

I am rock hard.

And also, like, I really idolize my dad.

And then, he died, like, a--

Shut up.

All right?

You help me grow.

OK?

God.

OK.

I'm a big Drake fan.

I like Drake a lot.

But he ha-- he has that-- he had that album

come out last year with Future.

And it's a weird album, because Future is-- you know,

he's, like, a guy from, like, the Atlanta hood.

He's lived, like, a much harder life than Drake.

And it's a weird album, because the whole album

is just Future being like, yeah, I used to sleep on the floor.

I'm really sad.

Drugs are my only escape.

I wanna die.

And then, Drake being like, yeah, there's,

like, a couple girls I miss here and there.

But for the most part, my life's pretty in order.

I don't know.

I'm on "Ellen" next week.

Like, it's-- they have like--

it's such as-- it's such a weird dynamic, because the, like--

like I can just, like, imagine, like, the two of them,

like, hanging out and, like, Future being, like, oh, Drake,

do you-- do you want some Lean?

And then, Drake being like, oh, yeah, Lean.

Mmm.

Yummy.

Then, just, like, pouring it into a houseplant,

saying, oh, yum.

"The Front Desk."

- Hi. - Hello.

Yes.

I'm in room 217 and someone messed up my room.

Oh, OK.

I came home from dinner and someone

had definitely been in there fussing around.

You know what?

That was probably our turndown service.

Well, my sheets on the bed were folded over.

OK.

A clock radio was playing classical music.

Uh huh.

And someone took a shit in one of my shoes.

OK.

That's a problem.

And then, they left mints on my pillow.

Not as bad.

Why don't we go back a second--

To the human shit in my loafer?

Yes.

It filled the entire shoe.

Oh, no.

Yeah, the other one of these.

Good Lord.

Yeah.

Ma'am, I have to ask this.

You're not the kinda person who would

do this yourself to get some money out

of the hotel or something?

Are you kidding me?

- I am not kidding you. - That's offensive.

I'm sorry.

Of course I wouldn't do that.

Well, ma'am, settle down.

You settle down.

I would if I could, but no one's marrying me.

OK.

Let's look up your room.

217.

Wait a tick.

Aren't you the lady you checked in with a big Great Dane?

Yes, but it's not Tabitha.

I walked her twice today.

OK.

We just have to be very clear about this.

It's a very serious accusation.

Was there anything else amiss in the room?

Yes.

The carpet near the shoe was absolutely soaked in dog piss.

Well, ma'am, I think housekeeping came in there

and cleaned up your room and Tabitha

might've gotten nervous.

Does she get nervous around strangers?

Well, yes.

She gets nervous and instantly poops when she sees strangers.

Yes, especially certain ethnicities,

but that is a rescue issue that I'm working on with her.

Look, I have a bag right here.

Why don't you put the shoe with the fecal matter into it,

hang it on the doorknob, and then

we'll have someone from housekeeping take it

out for you and dispose of it?

I appreciate that.

It means a lot to me.

You're welcome.

Can I ask you something?

And please don't think too forward.

You can ask me anything.

Do you know of any bars or sort of--

I'm sorry?

a pub-- pub--

I can't hear you.

type thing and-- lesbian specific--

You were talking very loud earlier

and I cannot hear you now.

like a dog-friendly browhouse

that has any sort of lesbian element to it, like a--

You want a lesbian bar that's--

that's friendly to dog sure.

Hag and the Hound, right across the street.

You get a two for one.

You get a beer and a bone.

No need for the bone.

Well, it's for the dogs.

She's a lesbian too.

- Oh. - No.

It's for eating.

It's not for having sex with.

You don't know what we do.

Front desk.

I went to a Justin Bieber show recently.

And the thing about this show is it was not advertised

as a Justin Bieber concert.

It was advertised as a Justin Bieber Q&A

at the Staples Center.

He sold out the Staples Center three times

in one night for a Q&A. And my friend, he hit me up about it.

He was like, hey, man, I have two

free VIP tickets to a Justin Bieber Q&A. Do you wanna go?

I was like, yes, absolutely.

I've never wanted to hear anything more in my life.

Yes.

Let's go right now.

And so we go.

And it was the day of, like, that huge tragedy in Paris.

And so Justin Bieber's manager, Scooter Braun, comes on stage.

He's an adult man named Scooter.

This adult man named Scooter comes on stage.

And he's like, guys, as you know, there was a--

there was a huge tragedy in Paris today.

So Justin Bieber is going to lead us all in prayer.

And then, Justin Bieber proceeds to skateboard on stage,

tries to land a kick flip, doesn't land a kick flip,

everybody goes insane anyway, and then we all bow our heads.

And he's, like, "Dear God--

Dear God, I'm sure things must be so hard for you right now.

But we trust you.

Amen."

And, like, that was the whole prayer.

Which, like, yeah, I don't know.

You sold out an arena Q&A, you models,

God gave you pretty good cards.

I'm sure you trust him.

And then, like, the first question

was somebody in the crowd that was

like, "Hey, Justin, what was it like working

with Travis Scott?"

And that was for sure just, like,

Travis Scott wearing a wig.

And then, like, more dumb questions, more dumb answers.

Somebody-- then, somebody's like, hey,

Justin, what was your day like?

And then, Justin's like, man, nobody really asks me that.

And then, the whole crowd's like, oh my God.

He's so rich, but he's so sad.

And then, like, eventually, there's

a plant in the crowd that's, like, hey, Justin, how

about you play us some music?

And he's like, OK.

And, like, a guy with a guitar comes out.

And the whole time, everybody in the crowd's

being like, oh my God, wait.

Do you think this song's about Selena?

Wait.

Oh my god, wait.

Do you think this song's about Selena?

And it's, like, no.

None of those songs are about Selena.

You know, like, all of those songs

are just some 50-year-old songwriter being like,

"I miss my ex-wife Linda."

Like that's it.

My name's Brandon Wardell. Thanks so much.

Bye.

My parents think I'm at a school play right now.

They still don't know that I do stand-up.

They're just like, yeah.

I don't know.

He's doing a bunch of school plays in New York.

I don't know.

He's 23, but he's still--

he just keeps doing school plays.