Original subtitles

The past, the present, the future with Emily Heller.

Hi, I'm celebrity psychic Emily Heller,

and I'm here with actor, comedian,

and American gem Tim Meadows.

Oh, thank you.

Tim, thank you so much for being here.

Now what question did you want to ask the universe today?

I wanted to ask universe about maybe making a career change.

Well, we'll see what the cards have to say about that.

All right, I'm excited.

Where are the cards?

Uh, I think I might have left them on top of my car again.

Wow.

I am so sorry about that, but we are going to make do.

We are going to do what's called an object reading.

Object reading.

Yes.

I'd rather do tarot cards if we could.

Uh, that's actually not an option right now.

OK.

OK, so let's just get everything on out here.

That's a lot of junk.

The debit card.

The debit card-- so this card represents,

you know, limitations, financial limitations.

So--

Are you making this up?

I have a vocal disorder that makes it

sound like I'm making stuff up.

Right.

This is expired, by the way.

Yeah, um-- yeah, that is.

That is expired.

The stick of gum.

Stick of gum.

What does that mean?

That means you're flexible.

You are chewy.

You bounce back.

You're fresh.

You're ready to be just plunged into the mouth of your next--

Ugh.

career.

Like, a mouth as a metaphor for, like, any other orifice.

You know.

OK, look, it's obvious that this is not making any sense.

I can come back later when you get your tarot cards

or whatever-- - No, no, no.

This is working. - Oh, OK.

Come on. Look--

Emily, we found you some cards.

Oh, we got some cards.

This is great.

And these are playing cards, um, which is fine.

You can tell my future with regular playing cards.

Yes, playing cards actually developed

from the original tarot deck.

It's kind of like English and Spanish. it's--

All right.

you know, you kind of just add the letter O to English

words, and then it's Spanish.

OK, I'm going to trust you on this.

Thank you.

Because you're an expert in Spanish.

Merci.

The nine of spades.

Right, nine of spades.

That's great. - Is it really?

Yeah, the spades-- you're going to be

a really successful gardener

I don't want to be some stupid gardener.

Um, OK, we have a lot of gardeners watching right now.

Look, come on.

What-- what am I doing, nine of spades?

Could be a metaphor.

Like, its bounty.

It's-- you have a lot to harvest, you know?

All of the things that we have looked at.

Whatever your new career is, you are going to be amazing at it.

That's great.

I think it's a great idea.

All right, well, I'm going to do it, then.

Out of curiosity, what were you planning on doing?

Well, I've been hiding this from a lot of people,

but I'm an artist.

Really?

Yeah, and I've been doing a lot of watercolors

and a lot of paint.

You want to see some of the stuff I've done?

Sure.

This is a dog underwater.

Uh-huh.

Because I always wondered, like,

Aquaman should have a friend.

Yeah, that's really beautiful.

This is called mad giraffe.

See the giraffe?

He's really mad because his ancestors' heads have been

chopped off and put in trees.

So he's storming around there just fuming.

Yeah. Who did that?

That's what he's wondering.

He's going, who did this?

You know what?

I actually-- um, I think I might have read the stick of gum

wrong.

The cards are saying, no, uh, don't ever show anyone those.

OK.

Because they're juvenile and terrible.

But I love them.

But the cards are saying that.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Since you love it, I'm going to let you have one of my pieces.

Thank you.

I love the definition on the butt of the giraffe.

That was-- - Thanks.

-a nice touch.

Yeah, my eight-year-old taught me that.

- Wow. - OK.

Cool.

Well, thank you for coming in. - Bye.

Bye. Great to meet you.

Yeah.

This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

It's Alec.

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

You can hear me, wave your left arm.

Not that way, Sasheer.

We're not at a pageant.

OK.

Where'd you guys meet?

We met on Facebook, actually--

Yeah.

arguing with the same moron.

But--

Wait, who-- what were you arguing with?

Some guy that going on and on about how this girl

put him in the friend zone.

Is he that guy?

So there's one person who is your friend,

and your guys are, like, putting him in check.

Acquaintance.

And then you-- in the comment section, you're like, hey.

- Yeah. - I like your opinions.

That is exactly correct.

- So you're a feminist. - Oh yeah.

- Oh good. - Sure.

A little more feminist than me.

Really?

Yeah, a lot of the time, actually.

Yeah.

So what's the state of your relationship right now?

- Very stable. - I'd say stable.

Very stable. - Mm-hm.

Yeah, and cooperative, and--

At the beginning of the year, there was some hardship.

What was that?

Caught her in a couple lies.

But we're really working past that now.

We're rebuilding the foundation, and--

Well, we never had a foundation to, like,

start with.

Were the term that not clear?

They weren't clear, and they were very wishy-washy.

We're going to pull over around the corner.

I'm going to jump in.

OK, I want to dig into this more,

but I need to bring an expert into here.

Hello. Hi.

Hi. - Hi.

I'm Alex. How are you?

Let me get the door closed here. - Oh my goodness.

- And I'll get this adjusted. - Hi.

So when you get honest about what you done,

you were afraid he'd leave.

Mm-hm yeah, about some of my old past things.

What she done was just like flirt with a lot of people.

No.

How open do you want to be here?

Yeah, so my cat was going to die,

and I went into a strip club to make the money

to pay for her $6,000 bills.

I remember you now.

It is-- in the club.

When you did stripping, did you enjoy that?

Of course. I'm a performance artist.

Right.

I love the attention. Yeah.

It's a powerful thing for you.

I was like, she's more feminist than you have.

When you found out she was a stripper,

did that freak you out?

She was doing some nude modeling as well.

Was the issue more that she was doing these things or more

that she didn't tell you?

If she hadn't lied about it, I feel

I could have worked at becoming comfortable with it.

If she did it again, would you be out of there?

You'd be gone. - Honestly telling me about it?

I'd be here. - You would?

Yeah.

Through this relationship, I've grown a lot.

Are you stripping now?

I should.

Actually--

OK, so the first question is--

This person wears the pants in the relationship.

Me.

Me

Oh.

You don't really wear them for very long.

Well, maybe a skirt.

This person initiates sex the most.

Me.

Me.

Oh.

Interesting.

What is John's favorite pretentious big word?

Horny.

That's not a-- what?

I don't know.

- Pretentious big word. - What did you say?

Potty? - She said horny.

Horny. - I don't know.

Like, is this a pretentious--

We couldn't have scripted this any better.

I know. This is great.

John, what's your favorite pretentious word?

Egalitarian.

Egalitarian-- OK.

A useless word as far as ...

I like horny better.

Aneya is a flirt or just a loving person?

A loving person.

Kind of a flirt.

What do you like about her?

She's-- and you know what?

You are loving, and you bring that part of humanity

to my attention more because I'm very cynical.

Do you feel like you would want somebody

who's more open already?

I like that he is at least willing to open up.

He has been closed, and now he's just blossoming.

And that's beautiful for me to watch that

and to kind of be like, hey, let's do a poll class.

And he's like, OK. - Yeah.

Am I going to be good?

But who cares?

Let's do it.

Figure it out.

Well, I think you guys have been

through a lot of tough times.

Yeah.

In an area that many people don't conquer with the trust

issue, you guys stuck it out.

So it's a good thing for you to consider, perhaps.

I did think it's funny, though, that she's like, you know,

and I love you because you let me show you new things.

I mean, it's like, is she coming through the door

in a bear suit?

Is she going to throw you on the ground and--

I did wear a panda head.

We went to a couple interesting parties.

This is great.

She did wear a panda head.

We can do a whole hour on ...

Hey, there's a lot of money in the naked body.

Yeah.

You're not going to tell me, baby.

You seen my calendars?

We'll be right back, guys.

We're just going to talk about aqueducts,

and then we'll do a full lap.

Oh my God.

Thank you so much for coming because this event is

like a lot more than I thought it was going to be.

I want to say, like, the atmosphere in there is,

like, not relaxing?

I got the invitation.

They said it was a bacchanal.

I thought that meant party.

No, there are no good snacks in there.

Nobody's saying anything funny.

Everyone's here to like, bang and bleed and that's it.

And that's sad.

Ugh.

How are you, though?

OK, I'm in exile.

OK, I heard about this, and wait.

Just start from the beginning because I'm

not in a rush to have sex.

Oh yeah, me neither.

OK, so you know who I married my brother?

Like you do.

Yeah, right.

Cleopatra, Caesar!

There you are!

Hi, Mark Antony.

How are you?

So there's a bacchanal happening,

and you too are in here talking amongst yourselves.

Yeah.

We haven't seen each other in a long time,

so we're catching up with.

A long shared history here.

OK, but we are going to have group

sex to welcome the harvest. Right

OK? fun!

- Ugh. - OK.

Oh, haven't seen you in a while.

It turns out now I rule half the world?

Um, what?

So that's happening.

Congrats to me.

OK, tell me how you did htat.

OK, so all those people that we know?

Yeah.

I killed most of them.

Got it.

And so that allowed me to really start my career.

And--

You guys, no fun!

We're going to be out there in a second.

Maybe I should just stay in here with y'all.

Unless that's, like, not cool or whatever.

I was kind of talking about something, like, really super,

like, personal.

Like, what?

Uh, um, I just got my pyramid.

It's just like-- oh, I'm sorry.

I don't feel comfortable talking about this.

Is that OK?

It's like a me thing, like, not a you thing.

OK, but I am going to get you guys out here because we just

put together the human table, and the vomitorium is open,

people!

put her down.

I just got my pyramid?

I said period.

I'm 12 I haven't got my period yet.

Um, I guess this is the moment.

All right, OK.

I have to talk to you about something.

Don't freak out and scream.

Don't.

I promise.

Do you want to co-rule the world with me?

Are you serious?

I said don't scream.

Woo!

Be my friend!

Be my friend!

Yes!

Cry.

Honestly, I didn't even want to come in,

but Steve was like, where are they?

So-- - Oh my God, she can't breathe!

There's too many people in the room!

Some people need to leave!

Oh my God--

And it can't be me!

It can't be me that leaves.

It has to be other people.

OK!

Who was the guy with the horse's head on his own head?

What is this?

I'm just going to put this out there.

Do it.

Do we kill him?

No, because I feel like my friends wouldn't do that to me.

- But they would, though. - Would they?

- Bruti? - Did I tell you?

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I'm so happy you said Brutus.

Ba da da da da, seven minutes in heaven.

Oh yeah.

Hi, this is seven minutes in heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with comedian Reggie Watts.

What's up, Reggie? - Hey.

How are you? - Welcome.

Thanks for coming. - Thank you.

Everybody on Twitter has been asking, which

celebs are you crushing on?

Oh boy.

Well, who couldn't crush on Elizabeth Banks, right?

Yeah, me too.

She's a-- you can Banks on that.

Yeah, thank you.

She's still alive and everything?

She-- yeah, when I left her.

On set. Professional.

Got it. Got it.

- As a professional. - Got it.

When I left her.

I thought we finally got his scoop.

What face would your feet make if they could make a face?

Probably this.

Just the mouth, though. Not the guys.

I'm just like concentrating my eyes.

But just focus on the mouth.

It's just with the mouth.

And your lower intestines?

My lower intestines would be like--

like that.

A little over it?

Yeah, just like, ugh, ugh.

And your nutsies?

Oh yeah?

My noots?

They'd probably be like ...

At South by Southwest, you did a score to the movie "Legend."

I did.

Original.

Well, I wondered if we could get a 30 second score from you

and something Reggie has never seen,

but it's a series of still drawings that I've made.

Oh great.

OK, all right.

So here's a improvised score from Reggie

Watts to a story I've drawn called

"The Monster and the Princess."

OK, here we go.

Hey, uh.

The monster and the princess, the princess and the monster.

Girl inside the forest with a cupcake blue dress.

Monster is hiding against the little tree, and he's purple,

and he's angry.

He's got all the traits that give him the monster look.

Monster comes chasing, and the cupcake blond haired girl

becomes slightly aware of the monster rushing towards her,

towards her.

And suddenly, the monster starts to take a bite of her hand.

But then I appear in cartoon form and try, try to save her.

Oh, I want to teach that monster a lesson.

He's small, so he's reasonable to deal with.

And the princess is excited, but then

she sees that I'm handling the monster a little bit too rough.

So she starts to feel bad for the monster.

And then the monster, he's real small.

And you realize that he wasn't so bad after all.

And I start to stomp on him because it's the thing

that you do to monsters.

And then after that, the monster grows larger and starts

to resent what happened then.

And five years later, woo, oh, woo hoo hoo, monster.

And he's dead still.

And we go there every year to commemorate the time

that we met in the forest.

And we've got a little cupcake kid with cupcake hats

and cupcake tits.

It's really fun.

We got a lot of fun going on in this kingdom.

Oh, monster and the princess.

Whoa, the monster and the princess.

Whoa, the monster and the princess.

Whoa, the monster and the princess.

Reggie, thank you so much for doing this.

My pleasure.

- I had such a good time - Thank you.

It was-- I had a great, super time.

Thank you.

Here we go.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, I saw this big dick floating out in the water,

and it started gobbling up these birds.

Made me drop my keys.

There's still a lot we don't know about the dangling fish

because frankly, every time we try to study it,

we get too intimidated by it.

So--

OK, everyone listen up.

Tomorrow is the Chipotle trip.

We're doing a casual drop in.

So we need to work out every single detail because nothing

can go wrong this time.

Let's talk about this burrito.

OK, first up, protein.

I like steak.

Hm, I like that.

Middle America, beef.

It's approachable. - No, no, no.

Red meat is way too conservative, OK?

I can see it now.

Hillary goes red. No.

Barbacoa. What's barbacoa?

Let's talk baracoa. Nobody knows.

Literally what is it?

I don't know-- - No one.

Who is she? OK.

What? - Who is this Barbara Coa?

I don't want to have to say barbacoa.

What about fajitas? I feel like--

Vegetables?

looks too much like vagina in print.

I'm not going to order a vagina filled with vegetables.

No, no, of course not.

No, no, no.

Nate Silver says that chicken is the most popular.

OK, let's do chicken.

OK there we go.

OK, great.

So what kind of vessel am I eating this in?

We actually brought a burrito in for a test run.

OK.

This one.

OK OK.

There you go.

Try it on the end.

Maybe less tongue? More teeth?

Less tongue.

Less tongue.

Split the teeth in the tongue, somewhere in the middle.

If I use my tongue to sort of soften

whatever this casing is--

That's a tortilla.

That's edible.

It's hard for me to get my whole mouth around it.

Try fork and knife.

Sure.

No problem ther.

Get the chip.

We've got it, and we're getting it in the corn here.

Getting just a corn on corn, which is maybe

something I can say-- oh, corn on corn--

and then give a big smile.

OK, you know what?

Let's just go with a burrito bowl.

Burrito bowl. Number two.

Great.

OK, great.

We are behind schedule.

We got to go. - OK, great.

Just one more thing.

I'm going to need guac. - What?

Absolutely not.

That is going to put us way over $10.

Yes, and we have to keep it under $10

for the average American. - I'm sorry.

That wasn't a question.

I'm getting guac.

Oh.

Um, you should know the guac is $3 extra.

Oh, hell no.

This is my set!

I'm Anne Geddes!

I own you!

I made you, and I can run you!

My name is Anne Geddes.

I'm the most famous baby photographer in the world,

and I hate babies.

I started out as a fashion photographer in 1983,

but I could never find the perfect subject--

someone under 90 pounds who didn't have a cocaine problem.

Then I thought, oh, I know--

babies.

Put your chin down a centimeter, baby.

A little to the right.

There is your good side.

Beautiful!

Beautiful.

Shooting babies is not all and giggles.

It's mostly all over the floor.

All right, put the baby in the stocking.

You know, I don't--

I don't think it's going to hold.

Do you have an MFA from the University of Colorado Boulder?

No.

Then don't question me.

Let's go.

Stuff this baby like a sausage.

There we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go. Fine!

It's not going to work. This baby--

Don't even talk.

Tonight is the opening of a retrospective

of my work at the Celine Dion gallery

here in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Celine is an old friend of mine.

We once did a book together where she held

babies from all over the world.

Nobody loves holding random babies quite like Celine

Dion, especially Black babies.

This is the one that got it all started--

"Baby in a Dirty Old Boot."

The baby got tetanus while I got the Pulitzer Prize.

So sue me.

The parents did. You know what I said?

Call my lawyer.

It's Erin Brockovich.

I'll never forget this day.

This baby kept falling off the pumpkin.

Eventually, we just had to tie it down.

It looks OK.

Eggnog-- I love eggnog.

Some of my best work has come from me having the munchies.

I can't help but think, hey, this food's delicious.

I should put a baby in this food.

Everyone says, Anne, how do you get such cute photos?

And I tell them, you got to get the parents to trust you.

So what we're going to do today is we're going

to put her in a trash can.

Oh, OK.

Yeah, you and your wife are going to love it.

You're going to cream yourselves when you see it.

Well, we are big fans of your work.

Ah, who isn't?

All right, let's do this.

Cheech?

Cheech.

OK, thanks, Cheech.

I mean, it's an incredible honor

to have your baby photographed by the great Anne Geddes.

Here's your inspiration.

You're trash.

You're garbage.

You've run away from your pimp, and you have nowhere to sleep

until you find this trash can.

Now show me trash.

Show me that.

I didn't realize she would be so casual on set.

All right, let's make some magic people.

One more right to me.

Where's your pimp?

You can't find your pimp.

Oh, what, is that milk expired?

Yes, that milk is expired.

Don't drink that milk, baby.

Why do I do it?

Do I do it for the money?

For the fame?

For the opportunity to be best friends with Celine Dion?

Of course.

Celine is the best.

But there's something really magical about a newborn baby's

life that I try to capture, you know?

Plus, in six months, they look like hairy holes.

I'm Anne Geddes.