Original subtitles

You thought you could parachute away from me,

didn't you, Mr. Stone?

You know, you're a lot like a worm wriggling in the mud.

I can't seem to maintain my grasp on you.

The thing I find so fascinating about the worms

is that they're blind.

They have no need for eyes.

You see, they rely on a series of sensory receptors

in your skin.

Good God, Richter, what are you talking about?

Since you insist on acting like a worm,

you must have no need for your eyes.

Uh, Hans?

Well, what now?

Just shut up.

Now what? - I don't know.

Hans usually ran the whole show.

I know.

But we gotta step up, gotta break this guy,

gotta really get in his head.

I got it.

Let's touch his penis with a knife.

OK.

All right.

You son of a--

oh.

He spit right in my face.

Oh, what?

Oh, it's in my eye.

Hey, hey, stop wiggling around.

Oh.

Why would you do that to somebody?

Ew.

Hans is getting up.

He's gonna make you pay for that one.

You're in trouble now, mister.

You're a worm.

All right.

Come on, guys. Let me go.

You're not going anywhere.

We are perfectly capable of finishing this ourselves.

You won't kill me.

Oh, .

I'm not ready for this.

Don't tell him that.

Oh yeah.

Damn it.

Look, fellas, how about you let me

go and then we can all go home?

You know, he might not be ready to kill you,

but I'm definitely ready.

Ugh.

What is with you and that?

Ah, you're a grown man. So gross.

The spitting is working really well.

Yeah, it's-- he's doing a good job.

I'm just saying, it's working.

Stop gagging.

It's gonna take more than that to get rid of me, Mr. Stone.

You're nothing but a worm, min min.

Got nothing to say, huh?

That's what I thought.

He's gone, isn't he?

Yep.

He snuck out when you were talking.

Then take me to the hospital.

You got it.

Ow.

Strap .

Damn her eyes.

it.

Hey.

Guys, thank you so much for the signatures.

It's fantastic.

I'm very excited.

It's true what they says about you guys,

you really are the best.

Nah, I means it.

Stop it.

No, you seven.

You guys make me feel like a million dollars.

You made my day Thanks, everybody.

And you, Oz.

I'll see you guys tomorrow night.

Oh, fun, hi, diseases.

Well, well, well, our bitter rival, Erin Oatmeal,

sitting notary at the County Clerk's Office.

Our nemesis, bitch.

What brings you down from your ivory tower?

Oh. I don't know.

I guess I just need something notarized

I'm adopting 53 orphans.

Won't you sign them?

Anything for the orphans.

Two forms of identification, please.

Oh, oops.

I only have my driver's license.

Erin!

You know we can't notarize without two

forms of identification.

Oh, please, you little tightwad.

You know me.

You know me from your nightmares.

Oh, and let's see.

You also know me from the cover of La Notarie magazine.

Go ahead.

Erin, what will happen to the orphans if we don't sign?

They get chopped up and thrown in little garbage bags.

But I never notarized one before.

Don't, Gina.

Don't, Gina, don't.

Gotcha!

- What? - That's right.

Jordash.

Whoa, OK.

This is my minion, Jordash.

You know, I wonder what the notary general is gonna

do when he sees this footage of you

guys signing that form with only one form of identification.

I don't know.

What do you think?

Is he gonna to kick you out or is he gonna

kick me in to film school?

Something I've always wanted to do, very good at it.

I think I got an eye.

Hang on.

News flash, little baby bitches, there never were any orphans.

What's up?

I'm Ashlaheigh Braun-Samuels.

I play Gina Fra Diavolo.

And I'm Kulie Bishop and I play Teresa Fra Diavolo.

Now, tonight's episode dealt with a very

special topic, orphans.

Orphans have no parents.

We did research.

We went to an actual orphanage, but when we got there,

the orphans were all on a field trip.

Good for them, but I was kind of pissed because we

had driven four hours.

Right.

I had to pee in a 7-Eleven.

Not the bathroom, by the way.

Right.

Missed the bathroom.

This has been an exclusive behind the scenes

look at "Notary Publix."

I'm Lauren Green for Fox News, and this is spirited debate.

Ryan Aslan holds the world record for shish kebab eating.

Later this week, he's going for the record in hot dogs.

Ryan joins me now from Los Angeles.

Ryan.

Thank you for having me.

So I wanna clarify, you're a shish kebab eater.

So why would you try to eat hot dogs?

Well, to be clear, I am a competitive eater with 18 world

records, including one in jalapeno poppers

and one in pigs in blankets who has been eating food

for over two decades, who also just happens to be

going for the hot dog record.

I'm not just some shish kebab eater who thinks he

can eat hot dogs really fast.

I'm an expert with world records in eating food really fast.

It still begs the question-- it still begs the question,

though.

Why would you be interested in eating hot dogs?

I don't understand.

Because it's my job as a competitive eater.

I eat foods professionally, including encased meats.

That's what I do for a living.

I've been obsessed with hot dogs for over 20 years.

I've been eating them on a professional level

and on a personal level for almost two decades.

My mother eats hot dogs.

My wife eats hot dogs.

My brother-in-law who's an evangelical pastor

eats hot dogs.

And anyone who thinks that my attempt at the record

is an attack on hot dogs has obviously

never seen me eat a hot dog.

Let me read you a quote from.

Dr. Lane Craig.

He is a hot dog philosopher and he's eaten

many hot dogs in his life.

He said, "Ryan Aslan merely eats hot dogs in a bygone way

that has since been abandoned."

Well, I would disagree.

I have over 100 hot dogs here and a glass of water

to dunk them in to eat them really fast.

Of course, in hot dog eating competitions,

dunking hot dogs in water is the new preferred style.

And I don't disagree with that.

Let me show you.

Wait.

But we're not talking about people who disagree with you.

We're talking about competitive eaters, Ryan.

It's not the same.

Now don't assume that--

may I just finish my sentence for one moment here?

I think that the fundamental problem here

is that you're assuming that I have some sort of food based

bias in the foods that I eat.

Listen, I eat matzo balls.

I eat pork.

I eat Romaine.

I eat shish kabobs.

My job as a competitive eater who eats food really

fast is to eat food really, really fast.

But you've been on several programs

and never once did you disclose that you were

a champion shish kebab eater.

I think that's an issue of full disclosure, Ryan.

Ma'am, the second thing they announce me on stage

to eat hot dogs they say I'm the world

champion in shish kabob eating.

In fact, on every TV program that I've ever been on,

I wear a t-shirt that says that I eat shish kabobs.

So I think that it's false and incorrect to say

that the media isn't saying that I eat shish kabobs.

In fact, I'm eating a shish kabob right now.

All right, Ryan.

I wanna thank you for coming on.

Ryan is going for the hot dog eating title.

And I think I speak for all of Fox News

when I say at least he's not a Muslim.

Charles!

Oh.

Hi, Sunny.

Hi.

I'll be your hangover today.

Yes, you will.

Yes, you will.

This is for you, Charles.

Yes, baby.

No no's for me.

No.

No.

I knew you were coming when I could

feel my pulse inside my face.

I've got so many great things planned for us today.

Oh boy.

Classic Charles.

So how do you like your eggs?

To go.

Oh, I'm getting dizzy, and not the good kind of dizzy.

Like I'm on a tire swing.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Oh no.

Now we're not gonna eat, so we're

not gonna get to feel better.

Oh, Chuckie.

Maybe you should just drink a little water?

That could feel good, huh?

Oh.

Right.

No, sir, Mr. Hangover, sir.

Good move, Charles.

King me.

King me.

King myself.

Oh, perfect.

OK.

You have to pick a hand.

In one I have "Lost" season 5, and in the other,

"Arnold Palmer's Secrets to a Better Short Game."

Come on, pick a hand.

Pick it, pick it, pick it.

This is weird confusing.

When is he gonna explain how he does his lemonade and iced tea

drink?

I don't know.

Hmm.

Medicine!

Adios, Sunny.

Till next time, old friend.

Hello, YouTube.

We are the Kings of PowerPoint.

We're so freaking good at PowerPoint

that we can prove anything is true, even the craziest things.

Yeah.

Today's topic--

1 is bigger than 2.

It absolutely is.

First off, 1 just sounds bigger.

Don, what's the first thing you think of when you think of 1?

One million.

And what's the first thing you think

of when you hear the number 2?

Just 2.

- 1 is bigger than 2. - Yeah, OK.

Let's take a look at this, all right?

Over here this number is all 1s.

OK?

But over here this number has got a 2 in it.

Yeah.

We added a 2 and it got smaller.

Well, let's see what happens when we add another 2.

It gets smaller.

- OK. - What?

I guess we'll just keep going.

Let's add two more 2s.

With the more 2s we add, the smaller the number gets.

I mean, that's exactly-- we just proved it mathematically, OK?

What the hell is that?

If you had this much money, you would be dead.

You know what?

Add another 2.

They can't.

You broke the goddamn computer.

It's too small.

Because 1 is bigger than 2.

And this happened-- you can show this in the real world,

all right? Take a look at this, right.

One sun is way bigger than two peas.

And the sun, it's not even to scale.

These are the peas.

Look how big those peas are.

Those are huge peas.

And one carrot is bigger than two smaller carrots.

Not even arguable.

That's like the size of my freaking arm.

Have you ever seen a man with the carrot arms like that?

I haven't?

Put your hand down. Come on.

Oh.

And Drew, uh, what do they call the firstborn son?

Oh, the bigger brother.

OK.

The bigger brother.

And not only are they older, they're also always way bigger.

Look how big that guy is.

He's huge.

This guy is huge.

He was the first born and now he's huge.

What are you guys, stupid?

You can't see that?

Look, we can even see it in this chart.

OK? - Yeah.

- Look at the 1. - Mhm.

Look at the 2.

That's a small 2.

This is just a standard chart from the chart store.

You can get this chart anywhere.

OK?

I personally shop at Magna Charta.

Mhm.

I only shop at the Charty Boys.

But there are plenty of chart stores

that you could buy this chart at everywhere.

OK?

So we proved it.

We did it.

1 is bigger than 2, all right?

And your teachers, they're not gonna tell you this.

No.

Kids, go to your teachers, tell them that they're wrong

and they're bad people.

PowerPoint.

- PowerPoint. - Rebel kids.

Attack the teacher. - PowerPoint.

PowerPoint. PowerPoint.

PowerPoint. Kids--

PowerPoint.

- use your little hands. - PowerPoint.

PowerPoint. PowerPoint.

All the kids, get up. All the kids, get up.

Come on. Get up, rebel.

- Sit down, Joey. - Rebel.

Punch a teacher in the face.

Punch your teacher in the face.

- PowerPoint. - PowerPoint, kids.

You can prove anything if you'll make

a good enough presentation.

You can do whatever you want, kids.

Live your one dream.

It's better than two dreams.

Welcome to our Above Average music video.

11:00 PM, my typical day, cab ride to a club

to hear some sweet jazz music play; pick out a musician,

buy him a gin, then I take him home

for a delicious, not a sin.

Now, I got a sore down in my drawers.

I'm nauseous and I'm feeling kinda hot.

A sore throat that lingers and rashes on my fingers;

my mother once warned me of this illness I got,

I got jazz fever.

It's the fever that you get from too much jazz.

Jazz fever, it's the fever that you get from too much jazz.

I go to the doctor, say how bad I feel.

He looks me up and down and says jazz fever isn't real.

You have syphilis.

Guess they don't teach jazz in medical school.

He tells me take this medicine, but I ain't a fool.

Instead I take more jaaaa-zz.

The only cure for jazz fever is more jazz; Charleston.

Jazz fever buzz off penicillin.

Inject me with jazz.

Now I've gone deaf from the trumpets.

I can't feel my feet; from the dance;

having seizures and my back skin looks like raw meat.

Can't explain that.

The doctor keeps calling, but I've

sealed my fate because jazz has an 80% mortality rate.

Jazz fever, it's the fever that you get

from too much jazz; Charleston.

Jazz fever, it's the fever that you get from too much jazz.

If only she'd listened to me.

Doctors always know better.

Doc, can you help me?

I'm having the worst morning sickness.

Sure.

Try some cocaine.

Thank you.

My baby loves the white stuff.

Who doesn't?

Ba-da-da-da.

"Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Oh yeah.

Hi. this is "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Ty Burrell.

Welcome.

Thanks for coming.

Thank you for having me in your closet.

So you're on "Modern Family."

I am.

It's a-- a sitcom about unconventional families.

Mhm.

And so you're playing a--

a-- a white dad married to a white woman.

Um, so how'd you prepare for that sort of jump?

You know, how like some actors will follow cops?

- Yeah. - You know.

You followed a dad.

Yeah, I followed a white dad.

All right.

Let's-- uh, let's do a little closet theater.

I thought we could be two guys who laugh

at everything each other says.

Like, we're brothers and, um, but the very sound

of our laughter once we get into that

reminds us of our dad who's a-- a professional clown that

passed away.

Um--

Hey, man.

What are you, getting shorter every time I see you?

Oh man.

Oh, god.

Hey, you're one to talk.

I mean, that waistline is expanding.

Well, I guess, uh, I'll see you

later, not if I see you first.

First.

What's the edgiest part of the adoption process?

Um, I think it's when you have to battle a motorcycle gang.

You have to battle your way through a motorcycle gang.

That's part of it?

They put a baby on a pedestal and then

there's like a bunch of like Hell's Angels they're like--

Yeah.

and they have chains and they--

Gosh. No one knows about this.

bats and stuff.

And you're like ooh, and you're like oh no,

and then you're all umph, and then you're like ugh, boom,

and then you get your baby.

That's so edgy.

Please say which of the following adjectives

applies to you.

A thunderstorm in the bedroom.

No.

No.

Turned on when you get shampoo at a hair salon.

- Yes. - It's the best.

Wow.

They're digging in there with their stubble fingers.

Well-manicured.

Stubby little fingers. I'm going to a different--

Four stubby-- different fetish, yeah.

going to a different place.

Yeah.

Um, curious about your prostate.

Uh, no.

No.

You don't care either way about that dumb ass

part of your body.

I don't know why it can be large or small or anything.

Right.

Nothing else-- like my shoulder

doesn't get bigger or smaller.

Right. Right.

- You know what I mean? - Well, I'm 55 now.

So my shoulder's real big.

I really probably should just go check it.

Yeah.

It's probably time to go check that shoulder.

But the doctor still gotta put his finger in your butt

to check your shit.

Yep.

You're good.

Uh, when's the last time you saw "A Few Good Men?"

Was it--

It was-- it's been a long time, so I

don't really know any of the--

- Me too. - Yeah.

This closet theater we're gonna

try to do that courtroom scene.

I'll be Tom Cruise and you can be Jack Nicholson.

Wait. Have you seen it in a while?

No.

Colonel Jessup, were you--

You, go ahead, boy.

Why would Santiago have packed his bag but not packed his--

You need me on that wall.

Did you order the code red?

You want the truth?

I want the truth.

You want the truth?

Yeah, man.

You can't handle the truth.

"Few Good Men."

Well, I'm super glad you were able to come,

um, hang out in the closet.

And uh, I love "Modern Family," and I think--

Oh, that's awesome.

you're the best character on it by like a mile.

Wow.

By a mile.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

I hate when people do that.

So thanks for-- - Thanks.

joining me.

Thank you.

Thanks, man.

For "Seven Minutes in Heaven," this has been

Mike O'Brien with Ty Burrell.

Oh yeah.