Original subtitles

Ba da da da seven minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with WWE superstar, John Cena.

That's me.

And it was very official of you, WWE superstar.

That's right.

You work out?

No, I was going to start tomorrow.

But everyone says, I should.

- You should, yeah. - Why?

Do I look feeble to you?

Do I look like I can't handle myself?

It seems like it's been going OK without it.

So I should not?

Yeah, it's fine.

I do 20 push-ups every couple of days.

You might at least do that.

Just for effect?

Yeah, and to win the Wrestle.

To win the Wrestle?

OK.

In the new movie "Sisters", you play a tattooed bad boy.

- Drug dealer. - Drug dealer?

Yeah.

Were you ever that guy growing up?

Not drug dealer, specifically.

But what's the worst crime you committed?

Uh, I was into the usual haberdashery

as a teenager just trying to--

Hatmaking?

Yes, actually, hatmaking.

Well, that's legal.

Yeah.

So WWE SmackDown is moving to USA Network.

It is.

Starting January 7.

Yes.

Do you know who you've got on January 7?

I do not.

I'll show up ready to fight, ready to SmackDown

as they would say.

Yeah, you have to.

You have to either raw or you have to smack someone down.

You used to drive a limo?

I did.

That was a career short-lived.

It was awful.

Always lost with it?

Always lost, always lost, always late.

People would call me everything on the way to the airport.

Because literally, I'd be an hour late for them

to miss their flights.

And now as a traveler, I would just--

And it'd be your fault.

Oh, definitely, no other reason.

You've wrestled Big Show a lot.

Yes.

A rival, if you will.

- Heavy Man. - Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, which leads me--

Smells like a chicken processing plant.

I-- my question is, genuinely, going to be multiple choice.

What is Big Show smell like?

Just chicken processing.

Yep.

My options were an encyclopedia that's

been in a swamp for a week.

OK.

Like a dog toy that's been soaked in dog saliva.

That's not it.

That is not it.

And also fell in a swamp.

That's not it.

Like a freshly open stick of Right Guard Antiperspirant

and Deodorant Cool Blast.

No, that's also not it.

That the stick of deodorant was in a swamp for a week?

No.

I will go this far.

I will go as far as to say, an encyclopedia wrapped up

in a beach towel of farts.

OK.

Big Show, that's how Big Show is.

That's his musk.

That's-- that--

he sells that scent.

Beach towel.

Big Show.

Let's do a little role play scenario where we're tag team

partners who are in couples therapy

because you turned your back on me in the last match.

OK, cool.

As you did to Billy Kidman.

All right.

You don't do anything!

You see, when you yell, then do know that puts--

Do something out there!

You just stand there!

And I just have to stand there while you don't do anything!

This is our whole relationship.

This is happening all the time.

Smoking gun!

What are the most serious, actual injuries you've

suffered from over a decade?

Every single time I go out there, my feelings are hurt.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Broken hearts? - Yeah, man.

They--

Because you're like, I can't believe

this guy dislikes me so much.

Yeah, and they sing along to my music.

Like John Cena sucks.

And they're like, hey, man, you need to quit.

And like, hey, man--

The fans hurt your feelings.

We hate you, bro.

I have to be honest.

I felt that a little bit when you said you

wanted to punch me in the face.

No, but that's just what I was thinking.

I didn't mean it.

But I totally did.

So I've had a good time.

I-- I think--

I think that probably is going to get me

in so much trouble with my gal.

But it was-- it was what you felt you needed to do.

Yeah, I mean, sorry to your gal.

It was a one time thing.

And it has not been going on on the side for months.

I'll tell you what.

We'll keep it European.

All right. Perfect.

Perfect.

Oh, yeah.

Paulilu Mixtape.

Sketch comedy.

USA's Thursday night lineup is heating up.

At 8:00, Mark Hooker and Karen Lawyer are a legal team

with some real chemistry.

I'm worried we don't have a tight body of evidence.

There's no body of evidence tighter than yours.

I'm talking about your .

Your Honor, as you can see from my briefs--

You mean these?

It's "Hooker Lawyer."

Then at 9:00, Rider Strong is playboy attorney, Sam Paxton--

This says, guilty.

But this, not guilty.

-who defends women who've turned

to a life of prostitution.

You know prostitution is the oldest profession in the world.

That means one of your ancestors, probably a hooker.

Maybe your grandmother.

Maybe your great-grandmother.

Definitely, your father.

After all, aren't we all hookers deep down where it counts?

At 9:00, "Hooker Lawyer."

Then at 10:00, it's the series premiere of "Hooker lawyer."

I might be a hooker.

But I'm also a lawyer.

Oh, coming through.

That was free, folks.

Marla Patch was a hooker who passed the bar.

Sure, some people might try to discredit me because my office

is on a street corner.

But this I know to be true.

Handjobs are $20.

Blowies are $50.

And that man is guilty.

Oh, justice.

It's the series premiere of "Hooker Lawyer."

"Hooker Lawyer," followed by "Hooker Lawyer," and

the premier of "Hooker lawyer."

USA, characters welcome.

Preferably hookers or lawyers.

Hi, starter.

Hi, starter.

We're parents of two kids in their 20s

who, unfortunately, are pursuing unrealistic, creative dreams.

So our project is a new crowdfunding

website that will raise thousands

of dollars for young artists.

On the condition they give up those

dreams and get a job.

We call it Real Life Starter.

On Real Life Starter, you raise money

to pressure your children into finally

starting their adult lives.

Each annoying creative person will be given their own page

but set up by a responsible individual, like their parents

or loved ones. - Oh.

That's encouraging.

All of the money goes to the creative person,

but only if they spend it like an adult.

Make a down payment on a house, buy a minivan, something

normal that serves a purpose.

And they have to get a real job.

Real jobs include accounting, engineering,

working in a cubicle, anything you get paid

to do that you don't enjoy.

Your Real Life Starter donation also

pays for trained counselors to show

your children that they're not as special

as you told them they were.

I want you to listen to this tape

of another patient of mine.

You don't understand.

I have so much to say.

Wow, what an asshole.

That was you five seconds ago.

Kids these days just don't seem to realize that there are

plenty of ways that you can express yourself

like funny refrigerator magnets, those poems that you

can magnetize to your fridge.

Or take on one of your favorite pics.

Put it in a frame that has a magnet on the back.

Put that on your fridge.

Let's face it, your son is not going

to become the next the Beatles.

Your kids, they are deluded.

In order to keep them on track,

each participant will receive mandatory check-ins

from certified life guardians.

Sir, step away from the guitar.

Oh, my god.

Sir, you need to own at least one suit.

You are 29-years-old.

Look, I get it.

I gave up my dream of being in a Kiss cover band.

But I made the right decision.

And I know that.

I know that.

I know it.

And we have a great reward for donating to our project.

You get your kid back!

Take a look at our son, Gabriel, a recovering loser.

I was in pretty deep.

I was writing the word mustache in the shape

of a mustache on the upper lips of people in subway ads

and calling it art.

But now I'm a banker.

And thanks to my parents, I get to help rich people

become slightly richer.

So please, donate to Real Life Starter

where your kids' stupid dreams go to die.

We're running late.

Everybody's waiting.

The chauffeur is waiting.

The pilot's waiting.

Tim Burton's waiting.

Johnny Depp is terrified.

He's shaking in the corner.

And he's screaming at me, don't put it around me!

It's too powerful!

I'm scared!

I have to do my job.

I go up to him.

I put it around his neck.

Easy, nice and soft.

I say, it's OK.

Open your eyes.

Look in the mirror.

He opens his eyes.

He look in the mirror.

And he goes, wow.

This is pretty cool.

I say this, right there, and this is why I do what I do.

This is why I am a scarf wrangler.

My work takes me all over the world.

India, South Africa, Ann Taylor.

Johnny has quite a taste for the exotic.

A scarf is so much more than just an accessory.

It's a wild thing.

It's a dangerous thing.

And only an artist like Johnny Depp understands this.

Hats are fine.

They're not for me.

But they're fine.

Bracelets?

PU.

The wrist is merely just the throat of the arm.

Right?

But the throat, that is the throat of the body.

Hmm?

The human body is 60% water.

So is a scarf.

Do you understand?

This is where we decorate.

No?

Look at that, beautiful.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's feeding time.

Here scarfy, scarfy!

Here scarfy!

My name is Gerard Rocher.

And I am Johnny Depp's scarf wrangler.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

Oh, come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

All right.

Now, really work that D. Let's see some strong D now.

Come on. - All right.

Let's move it around a little. Let's move it around little.

Come on. Let's hustle.

Oh, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Come on!

Come on!

Pick it up!

Mmm. OK.

All right. Line it up.

Line it up.

Right in the middle.

Let's see some hustle!

Let's see some hustle!

Hit it.

Hit it.

Hit it.

Ramirez is playing rough.

And the ref calls.

It looks like it's a yellow card.

Oh, that should have been a red.

This is a golden opportunity, exactly what they

need at this point in the game.

She just needs to make contact and put it in.

Donohue is clearly wide open.

She's been a strong power for it all season.

Ramirez sets up the shot.

I hope he can put it in.

You know what they say, one ball at a time.

Ramirez is in the danger area.

He's going in for a header.

Oh, and he misses off the crossbar.

,, that looks like it hurts.

He's grabbing his knee.

Donohue comes in and ricochets off of him.

You know, I really hate watching sex like this.

This is not the sort of faking

we expected to see here today.

She moves towards the goal and--

and the ref calls it.

Clearly offsides.

She just can't get a break.

Let's see the playback here.

Yep, I think she was lining up for a reach around.

They're practically limping to the finish.

He needs to get both heads in the game, maybe a finger, too.

He goes for the shot.

Oh, it's a goal! Goal!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Unbelievable!

A final score and out of time, no less.

And that's the relief Ramirez coach was hoping for.

A satisfying finish for both parties.

You know, this was a great day for sex.

We're in added time.

And the coach is calling in his first sub.

It's McElrath coming in for Ramirez.

You know, he's young but energetic,

real eager hands.

We keep finding each other this way,

don't we, Agent Stone?

That's because you and I share similar minds like ants

bred in the same dirt.

We've experienced the same smells,

the same predators, the same--

Are we expecting company?

Someone's parked outside.

So go take care of it.

It's a man.

He's dancing, dancing like no one's watching.

Now, he's drinking a big beer.

Oh, Peter is coming.

He took care of it.

Good.

Where was I?

Ah, yes, when an ant colony is threatened,

it's every ant for--

Now, they're both dancing.

It's infectious.

Why would he be dancing with him?

Corey said I'll keep the music real low.

Corey?

Is that his name?

Keep the music low?

Well, tell Corey to turn the music off.

Oh, Corey is not going to like that.

I'll take care of it.

Hey, tell him I said, hi.

He's on it.

He's good.

Yes, delicious silence.

Where was I?

Ants, the thing about ants.

Oh, that's right.

Yes, ants.

When ants are faced with catastrophe, the ants will--

Holy .

Just really cool guy.

Shut up.

It is impossible for me to gain any momentum

when you two can't seem to handle a simple problem.

Sir, he's on the level.

He's a really great guy, super down to Earth.

I let him shoot my gun.

We had a great time. here, He gave me this flyer

to a club he's promoting.

We should go.

The Porcelain A--

Sounds really good.

Jesus Christ.

- Did he let you sit in his car? - So nice.

It's a nice car.

Really nice.

Gentleman, can we please forget about the loser

in the parking lot?

Yes.

Listen, he may have a really sweet car

and really great dance moves, but I

think he goes home every night.

And he feels lost and alone because he's never

done anything with his life.

With all due respect, sir, I don't think

Corey cares what you think.

Everybody say, Corey!

- What's up, Corey? - Hey, Corey.

What's up, guys?

I drained my car battery.

I was just wondering if I could trade

you some brews for a jump?

Yeah, totally.

There, problem solved.

Now, can we please get back to the task at hand?

Yo, that was hella close.

Good thing my heart was covered by this fat stack

of club flyers.

Corey, get back in your sweet car.

And stop filling my henchmen's heads with silly dreams

of dancing and drinking beers.

Just leave so I can finally kill my archrival, Agent Stone.

Who?

So if you want to get to the club, you want to take--

I know where it is.

It's really cool.

The past, the present, "The Future" with Emily Heller.

Hello.

I'm psychic Emily Heller.

And I'm sitting here with actor, marijuana

user, and bureaucrat, Kal Penn.

How are you feeling about this reading?

I mean, you know, I agreed to do it.

Right?

So I guess I'm feeling consensual.

Oh, it's going to be very sensual.

No, no, no.

I said consensual.

Have you thought about a question you want to ask?

So I want to know whether I should move to Brooklyn.

I have a very important question.

Yeah.

Are you looking for a roommate?

I am not.

Because your search is over right here.

I don't have a lot of stuff, just

two boxes of Maroon Velvet, one box of candles, one hookah.

That's it.

No.

First card, the hermit.

The hermit.

The hermit?

The hermit.

Can I ask, how often do you masturbate?

I'm sorry, do you masturbate?

Next card, the emperor.

So this card represents a strong male figure

in your life.

Are there any strong, powerful men in your life?

I just got done working for the president.

He's the leader of--

There's no one else?

What's Barack like?

This is part of the reading?

Yes.

Oh.

Yeah, he's an incredible guy, of course.

It's just weird that you're having a problem with him.

I don't have a problem with him.

Don't worry.

Your secret's safe with me.

Go ahead.

What's next?

Strength.

Oh, this is the cohabitation card.

We were just talking about that.

I know you were closed off to it before.

But sometimes these readings can bring up things

that people weren't open to.

I understand that.

But I'm not-- I don't want to live with you.

Well, me just interpret this card for you.

So the strength, it's about the lion and the lady.

The lion is strong and fierce.

The woman can tame him.

You maybe pay the rent.

I wash some of the dishes.

It's like a symbio--

You wouldn't even want to pay the rent?

Not initially.

Why am I asking that question?

This is so weird.

I don't want to live with you.

Well, because we need to--

Next card, the sun.

So I'm getting the sense that you have children.

Is that true?

No, I don't have children.

Oh, but you want them someday?

Yeah, sure.

I wouldn't mind having some children.

OK.

Let's start that over.

So I'm getting the sense that you don't have children.

But you'd like them someday.

getting the sense of that.

I just told you that.

So it's not part of the--

We're just going to edit that out.

So could you just say, how did you know that?

No, I know how you know it.

You just asked me.

You're repeating--

Just say, how did you know that?

How did you know that?

Next card, 10 of swords.

What's your biggest fear?

That we're never going to be done.

Last card, death.

The death card doesn't mean death.

It just means the end of something like your job,

or maybe a relationship, or your life.

How is that not my death?

Well, you know how when people have funerals they say, like,

let's not mourn his death.

Let's celebrate his life.

Sure.

It's more of a positive spin.

OK.

We can redraw this one.

Sudden death.

OK.

We'll redo it.

The devil.

Oh, come on.

There's just no winning.

The tower.

I'll leave it with that one.

Those people are dying

Yeah, you only get three do overs.

So--

Is that a rule?

Yeah.

Final card, judgment.

Who does that look like to you?

Michelle Williams.

Nailed it.

Michelle Williams, that's correct.

What do you mean? That is Michelle Williams?

That's who it looks like.

In "My Week With Marilyn" she's got the bob.

You got it.

You won.

I won what?

You're moving to Brooklyn.

Because the last card looks like Michelle Williams?

Tarot is very mysterious.

Do you know what you're doing?

Yes, yes.

Well, we've reached the end of our reading.

And it looks like you're definitely moving to Brooklyn.

- Al right. - How do you feel?

I feel great. I'm excited to move to Brooklyn.

Great.

Thank you for your help.

Su casa es mi casa.

I used the formal usted.

I understand what you did.

Yeah.

Next.

99 bottles of beer on the wall.

96 bottles of beer.

42 down, pass them to--

take your friend home.

He's got a bottle.

And that's 95.

Bonjour, Gaston.

Bon "jower" to you, Street Peter.

Great.

You know, I did want to mention we have a strict no food

or drink policy.

So if you could maybe put--

- Nope. - I'm barefoot.

Don't care.

Could we hurry this up?

I've got to get back to the gym and roughhouse with some guys

who wish they were me?

Do you blame them?

Yeah, I'll be quick.

No problem.

I'm not going to let you into Heaven, Gaston.

No one says no to Gaston!

Oh, I said no to Gaston.

Do you think you're a better man than me?

Did you say man?

No, I'm actually a saint.

I haven't been a man--

Shut up.

No one hunts like Gaston.

OK.

No one shaves their chest better than Gaston.

And no one dances better than Gaston.

You feeling it?

I-- I'm impressed.

Turn down for what?

I'm the greatest man that ever lived

in my one little English-speaking French village

where I come from.

Sadly, that doesn't change the facts, Gaston.

You falsely imprisoned a young woman

and her father, defamed her character, attacked her lover.

I was self-defending my fiance from a monster.

She wasn't your fiancee.

Well, she would have been if my extortion

plan had worked out.

Oh, that's right.

Extortion.

Oh, come on, bro.

No, bro.

No.

Plus, you sexually harassed every woman

in your village in addition to most of the men in the village.

Look, I'd have sex with myself if I could.

I tried.

It doesn't reach.

It's like parking too far away from a gas pump.

You know, there's only one way to settle this.

Kissing contest, go.

No.

I meant arm wrestling.

I won't arm wrestling you. Thank you.

Oh, are you a sissy?

Oh.

Pardon me?

You're a sissy.

You can't even spell that word.

S-S-E.

I'm not a sissy.

I'm a saint.

Well, prove it.

I have in me the holy powers of--

You owe me heaven.