Original subtitles

A sweet Midwestern lady arrived last night.

Her name's Gingie.

Did you just say Gingie?

Oh, something smells real scrumptious.

Hi

H-- hi.

James, that is Gingie from Gingie's list.

The lazy porno?

No.

There's a website that rates things, and she could ruin us.

She seems sweet.

Good morning.

Good morning.

We got an egg.

You want--

Want part of an egg?

Runs for 30 years.

We've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What.

What?

And then the school nurse had to get

the firecracker out of me.

We got back in the limo and laughed.

Oh, my God.

I love any story about prom.

Oh, God.

And this breakfast, let me tell you,

if I were going to the electric chair,

I would want this for my last meal.

Well, thank you, Gingie.

We aim to please.

Now, I hate to leave the hoopla,

but I got to go work a little.

Do you mind if I snitch one of these muffins?

They are delicious!

Sure.

Please do.

You've already touched it.

Enjoy.

Bye.

She is loving this place.

We're killing it.

Let's see what she says.

"The breakfast was the worst thing

I've eaten since I was in the hospital for my bladder sling.

The eggs were an insult to chickens,

and the coffee was bong water."

What does she know about bong water?

"The muffins were more stale than an inmate's kiss.

Check out the picture.

It came in handy when I needed to de-callus my heels.

Hashtag #exfoliate."

She's so mean.

She's not Midwestern.

She doesn't mean western.

You know what, James?

We're going to win her over.

Who's ready for some lunch?

What's these doings?

I thought you guys only did breakfast.

Well, we're a B and B and L and D and NS.

NS is for Night Snacks.

And how?

Is this cioppino?

Yeah, it is.

How do you know?

That's my favorite.

Well, we just had a feeling.

Enjoy.

Mhm!

That's real good.

Boy, that clam.

Oh, good.

Good.

"Cioppino?

More like Gordon's Fish Sticks in V-8 juice.

Too bad the bowl didn't have a flusher on it.

I wouldn't force-feed there to a bunch of old hags in jail."

I mean, Gingie has done some time.

She knows her way around the clink.

We need to up the wow factor.

I'd like to up her wow factor,

You know, James, we've done over 70 years of therapy

together.

None of it took.

I think it's time for some head game.

To head games, Yeah.

Head games.

Really stay with me.

I'm there.

Chase in the car?

Huh?

Oh, I love games in that and stuff in that.

So do we.

Yeah, we fucking love games.

Did you guys stay up all night because it's breakfast time?

We're good.

You know, we don't want any.

OK, Gotcha.

Goodbye.

Should we make a breakfast?

No.

She's used to people kissing her butt like a fat baby.

I'd love to fat her baby.

Oh, James, triple diamonds.

Wow, oh, I did it to me again.

What fun.

Those are cat ashes.

So your powdering your pussy with pussy.

A little redundant.

She's getting flustered.

She was powdering her crevices with cat ashes.

The way I snorted a line of Mr. Fuzzy foot.

James, we'll talk about that later.

You know what we should do?

We should make her like s'mores with unsweetened Baker's

chocolate.

That would freak her out.

Or we go to the store, and we buy donuts,

then we let them get stale for about a month

and then give them to her.

I didn't listen to that.

We'll go with the first one.

W-- What's going on here?

Bam, bam!

You two have been smooching my rump, and now it's your turn.

I haven't made lunch for anybody in a real long time.

Oh, that's very nice, Gingie.

Let me see.

Looks very thought ahead.

Definitely.

It's lunchy.

It's food.

It's for sure lunchy.

It's got corn.

Each thing has corn.

Yeah, I can taste that.

There's a lot of corn.

I see corn everywhere.

It's a corn theme.

It all goes together.

I made a huge loaf.

Mm-hmm.

And then I got the idea to cook.

It's really good.

Here we go.

"If you're some hotshot and want to get your can kiss go

to the dang Four Seasons or go to the Hudson Valley and check

out this little gem run by two big gems.

You'll find nothing you're looking for except yourself."

What the hell!

What is this!

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.

There's so many of them.

That so many Lexus.

Uh-oh.

The ShowBiz found us, James.

We tried to run from it, and it found us.

Ola, I think we're trending.

I can't breathe in.

I think we're trending.

Holy shit, what have we done?

Oh, Holy shit.

Why do we do?

What do we do?

Ah, Mr. Stone.

Top MI6 agent.

It's so very good to see you.

Hans Richter.

I should have known.

You finally walked into one of my traps

like a hungry bear lured by the sugary taste of the honeycomb.

Your capture is a very sweet moment.

Let us savor it.

Han, how long do we have to savor--

Silence!

I say when we're done savoring things.

Beating you didn't work.

Beating your balls even didn't work.

But I'm going to need those passwords.

So instead of hurting you, we're going to punish those you love.

Please don't hurt me.

Didn't think we'd find her, did you, Mr. Stone?

Who-- who is that?

It's your girlfriend, Mr. Stone.

That's not my girlfriend.

Don't-- don't play dumb with me.

Seriously, that is not my girlfriend.

I'm not his girlfriend.

I mean, we went on a date like two years ago.

That's right.

We did.

You work in marketing.

Yeah.

So random that you remember.

Of course, I remember.

Do you know my name?

Quiet!

Shut up!

Doesn't matter.

She is only an appetizer.

The main course, however, is someone

much dearer to your heart.

Mary, are you OK?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'm OK.

I did-- I did wet myself.

Why did you have to hurt her?

The passwords, Mr. Stone.

Or I'll be more than happy to put your best

friend out of her misery.

I don't want them to.

Well, she's not my best friend.

I'm-- I'm his next-door neighbor.

I get his mail when he's away. - Right.

Oh, you serious? That's it?

I have been watching your Netflix.

- Oh, that's fine. - Yeah.

I have so many animals at home.

Aw.

I have a cockatiel who is lying injured because we were

in the middle of a wrestling match

as you took me and beat me in the mouth.

Why were you wrestling with it?

It was trying to get away.

It has a death wish.

Is this the best we can do?

He really doesn't keep anyone close.

It's kind of sad.

Don't empathize with him.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Mr. Stone?

Mhm?

You wouldn't mind if I killed her then, would you?

I'd mind I just wouldn't nuclear strike codes mind.

I get that.

OK, all right.

Then bring out our last guest.

This one's going to be good.

My mentor, Agent Winston.

Have we finally cracked your hard shell?

How did you find him?

I--

Love him?

I want him dead more than any other man in the world.

I deserve it, too.

I betrayed the agency. - Good for you.

Please kill me. Give me a gun.

I'll do it myself. - No!

Don't give him the gun.

You hand a man a gun. - I have my own gun.

- He's got his own gun. - Don't!

OK.

Can I go?

No.

Nobody can go.

Can I go?

No.

I got nothing here.

Yes.

I finally have Stone in my grasp.

And I can't do anything.

This is all about psychological leverage,

and I have none of that here.

Do you know how infuriating that is?

Do you?

- Can I say something? - What?

He's gone.

Well, OK, I guess just kill

those two and let this guy go.

What?

No.

Hey, I'm going to kill you.

The past, the present, the future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm celebrity psychic Emily Heller.

And today, I'm reading for actress Olivia Wilde.

Olivia, thank you for being here.

Um.

So we have one minute.

So we're going to do this.

Oh, I think I paid for an hour, though.

Well, the hour starts when I get here,

and I've been here for a while.

I took a nap.

So we're going to do this lightning round style.

Just shout out something you want to know about,

and then I'll pull a card.

Psychic lightning round.

Family.

OK.

Four of Wands.

Four of Wands.

Wands means love.

You'll have four kids.

You'll name them all Wanda.

- Wow, OK. - That's good.

It's good.

It's great.

Uh, finances.

Ten of pentacles.

The ten of pentacles.

Pentacle is money. 10 is a lot.

That's good.

How are pentacles money?

We don't have time for me to explain to you a pentacle is,

OK?

30 seconds.

OK, um, hobbies.

Eight of swords.

Oh, do you like to do that?

No.

Like the swords and the blindfold?

Bondage? I didn't--

Just stay away from that, I think.

Stick to macrame or acting thing that you do.

Actually, it's not really a hobby.

It's, I mean, it's my career.

So that's not really a hobby.

That's what I do.

It's cute.

It's gone pretty well.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, we're out of time.

Lightning round over.

Now, you may receive a customer

satisfaction survey call in the next 24 to 48 hours.

I would really appreciate if you could give high marks.

Yeah, sure.

Great.

Are you going to?

Oh.

- Hello. - Yes, Hello.

My name is Samantha.

And I'm calling about your recent visit

to celebrity psychic Emily Heller.

Yeah, I'm-- I'm actually still here.

Fantastic.

I'm glad I got you.

Emily, I can--

I can see you.

I'm on the phone.

Now, on a scale from 1 to 10, how satisfied were you

with your reading on Tuesday.

Today, just now.

Uh, 10.

Could you give nine?

10s just get thrown out.

Yeah, OK.

On a scale from 1 to 10, did you

feel as though you received a reading

you could make manifest?

A nine.

Not a 10?

You just--

And finally, how close did the reading

come to accurately representing your spiritual core?

D have no idea how to answer that question.

That's-- I don't know.

Pass.

You're not allowed to pass.

I'm sorry, you're not allowed to pass.

OK, I was not satisfied, and it was actually

a really terrible reading, and I didn't feel like I was listened

to and I felt pretty rushed considering I had

about 50 seconds of her time.

So on a scale of 1 to 10, probably give it a negative 10.

So that's it.

Bye.

Hi.

We received the results of your customer satisfaction survey,

and congratulations, your outrage has qualified you

for a free raffle.

Oh, that's--

I may have overreacted a little bit.

That's nice of you.

Thanks.

Yeah, so just reach into the bag

and find out what your prize is going to be.

OK.

It's a complimentary reading with Emily Heller.

Fantastic.

We should probably start that now because that

expires in about 30 seconds.

OK.

I'm actually going to go.

Are you sure?

This one's free.

Thanks.

Thank you for coming in.

Please give us a good Yelp review.

Badadadada, 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

This 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Jeff Goldblum.

Hi, Jeff.

Hello, Mike.

Thanks for coming.

It's my great pleasure.

It's the best.

Well.

The best already.

You're the best already.

But you know who you look like?

Who do people tell you you look like?

I was thinking that you're a young handsome Jeffry

Jones possibly.

I got to.

You know Jeffrey Jones?

You know he was in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

You know that guy?

Uh, you play jazz piano.

Yes, I do.

Would play a little bit for us today?

OK, how would-- how would that happen?

Oh, uh, "Jurassic Park."

Yes, sir.

When-- when you saw the water cup shaking.

Oh, yes.

Like, did you your pants?

Did I?

Not-- not literally.

This is called Jeff Goldblum talks

my mom about Hollywood people and some of their choices.

She gets worried about some of the choices young people make.

Is that true?

Hi, mom.

Hi, Hun.

Hi.

You're on with Michael and Jeff Goldblum.

Hi.

Oh, my gosh.

Hi, Jeff.

Hi.

Conn-- Can I call you Connie?

You sure can.

I wanted to get you guys talking for a minute.

I feel like, mom, you got a lot of strong opinions

about what some of the choices young Hollywood makes.

Yes, I do.

I do.

What are some of your concerns there?

Well, for one thing,

I don't like adult language.

For instance, there's a certain word

that is used as a substitute for any other word

English language.

Which word?

Is it ?

Is it ?

I'm going to wash his mouth out with soap, I swear.

You could just think about it

and not say it out loud.

In "Powder," the movie "Powder,"

when you found out that little dude was like electric,

then did you like your pants or?

This your pants business.

And I didn't do it there.

- You didn't do it there either. - No, no.

That's honest. That's honest.

We're going to do a little scene where,

yeah, we're arguing over who pays for the bill at lunch.

All right.

And then, at any point during it,

there's a sudden moment where you realize that you left

like the gas stove running at an orphanage

you were volunteering at.

I should be getting this, please.

No, no, no, no.

You mustn't.

I'm telling you, and this isn't just because I'll--

I'll-- I would be unhappy if you paid for it.

- Oh, come on. - So this is not new.

I'm telling you not.

I'll let you pay next weekend when we go out--

Oh, no.

Oh, I just had a horrible thought.

I'm-- sorry.

Let me-- get out my phone.

I got to go.

I'm doing stuff at this orphanage I'm going--

I may have left the stove on. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

How'd you like that moment where I remember it?

- So good. - Wasn't it good?

Can you do a cold read of this,

and then I've got a different--

a different take I want you to try with it.

Hello.

I'll take the chicken selects premium breast

strips, a Biggie fries, and Biggie Coke.

Great.

And now, if you could, I'd like you to do it

that a little more flirtatious.

You fallen in love with the woman behind the counter.

Watch this.

Hello.

I'll take the chicken selects premium breast strips, uh,

Biggie fries, and a Biggie Coke.

Thank you.

"Independence Day" when you went up to implant the virus.

Yeah.

What?

You then, right?

I mean, come on.

It's aliens.

Maybe I did.

A gentleman has his secrets.

So it's 7 Minutes in Heaven.

- Yes, I know. - Well.

- OK. - Thank you.

Thank you.

OK.

OK.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, no.

Tell me when you're ready.

I can feel the warmth of your mouth as you get close.

Walk me through each.

What a sweet little pack.

Oh yeah.

Paulilu mixtape.

Sketch comedy.

I'm Jasper Cooch, and you're watching "Big Trucks,"

the show all the big trucks, big tires,

big titties, and rusted nuts.

So buckle up and get ready for the ride.

I'm Jasper Cooch, and this is big trucks!

Big Trucks with Jasper Cooch.

Today we're here in Las Vegas, Nevada,

for the Monster Jam World Finals.

Let's head to the pit party now before the show.

Little trucks or big trucks?

Big trucks.

Big trucks!

Little trucks or big trucks? - Big trucks.

Big trucks!

Little trucks or big trucks?

Oh, big trucks.

Big trucks!

Right, you're getting a rare look at the undercarriage

of a truck right now.

The engine here is like the the other truck.

It's hot, it's steaming, and it's always working.

You don't get to see it often, but when you do, want a sight.

Tire one, tire two.

It's like two titties.

The trucks titties.

It's got two on the other side, so they

basically got four titties.

Jasper Cooch in monster truck heaven right now.

You get into this business for the poon?

No.

All right, could you ever love a man my height, 5' 4"?

Big trucks!

Big trucks! Big trucks!

Big truck.

Took a quick nap before it was time to head into the stadium

and warm up the crowd.

When I say big, you say trucks.

Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

- Big! - Trucks!

Big!

Trucks!

Big trucks!

I filled up my tank with some beer and Nacho cheese then

it was time for the show.

First up is freestyle round, where trucks do tricks, flips,

and all kind of good stuff.

It's kind of like figure skating but without Katarina Witt.

Too bad.

That's one sexy German.

Finally, it's the racing tournament.

Whoever crosses that line first, whether they

smash their truck or their pants, is the winner.

Big trucks!

I've been in big truck heaven here at the Monster Jam World

Finals.

Time to go get my autographs tattooed on my arm

and find a stripper to put cocaine on my ...

Don't forget there's only one thing

better than little trucks.

Big trucks!